Non-stop games: What to do if children constantly ask to play with them

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“My child started first grade this year, and the problem of sneaking has gone beyond all reasonable boundaries. I am an anxious mother, I know that with my anxiety I provoke the child to tell lies, but in the first couple of months I calmed down and realized that even those situations that the child presented to me as very dangerous, in fact, are not so. And the child continues! I'm already tired of constantly running to school.

I decided to take the advice of a psychologist, which is described in the article. It was very difficult not to rush into battle, as I was used to doing. At first, my son was very surprised, tried to explain to me again and again that everything was very bad and scary (the situation was that his neighbor was cheating on him), and burst into tears. Then we agreed that he would try to do something about it tomorrow. And then he will tell me. Everything worked out! He still sometimes loses the line between sneaking and reporting something important, but much less often. And most importantly, it seems to me that for him this has already become some kind of experiment, the goal is not to tell lies, but to resolve some philosophical question about what is good and what is bad.”

Whistleblowing, informing - the words themselves already evoke extremely unpleasant associations in any adult. Therefore, many parents complain that their child is constantly telling lies and ask for advice on how to stop their child from telling lies. At the same time, adults try to draw a clear line between sneaking and reporting dangerous or potentially dangerous behavior of other children. This is correct, but it confuses children a lot. How can I make things easier for them?

Is it age related?

This picture is very familiar to me. I would say that this parental “harassment” is an age-related phenomenon, but if you religiously follow all the smart parenting tips, it can get worse and last longer than necessary. The fact is that you try to participate in the activities of children, offer them games, develop them, and so on. That is, it is not your fault as a parent that children want to play with you - you are damn interesting! But if you give children your full attention, then what's the problem? Why do they need you so much? Parents are usually advised to meet their children's needs. But how can you satisfy your children’s need for your constant presence in their games if you don’t understand why the need takes on such proportions? Ask yourself about the quality of your relationship with your children. Do children take the initiative in games and activities? Are your children the first to invite you to join in activities? Do children constantly compete for your attention during games? And do they require the attention of your other half?

The child requires a lot of attention: the psychologist told how to cope with such a problem

Children require a lot of attention: they ask their parents to play with them, read a book, or just sit together. “Don’t go!”, “Play with me!” – these requests are familiar to almost every mother. Parents are not always able to stay with their child due to the large number of things to do. What to do if the baby requires attention, but the mother does not have time for this, said practicing psychologist Natalya Prusakova.

The expert noted that parents should not feel guilty for not fulfilling the child’s request.
– Research states that quality time spent with children should be at least 20 minutes a day. This is enough for the normal development of babies. If you spent this time with your child without distractions, then, we can say, you completed your program for at least a day

, - said Natalya Prusakova.

The psychologist emphasized that this indicator is average and is not suitable for all children. For example, the time a child needs to communicate with his parents is influenced by his age, degree of independence, and characteristics of the educational process.

– In the first year, you need to try to be close to the baby, creating a healthy attachment. Later, the child explores the world around him and comes to his mother to “recharge”

,” added Natalya Prusakova.

According to the expert, you should spend a lot of time with your child at times when he urgently needs it. For example, during the adaptation period, in case of problems in the garden or at school, illnesses and stressful situations. In such cases, parents should be with the child as much as he needs, since the attention of loved ones will help him return to a normal resource state.

And yet, the psychologist advises teaching children to be independent from birth.

– And the most important thing here: do not allow “mom to be used” for entertainment or service. Don't fall for this provocation. A child needs to be bored, come up with something to do, and learn skills. This is the basis of his intellectual and psychological development

,” added Natalya Prusakova.

Many parents suffer when they have to forcefully play with their child. The expert recommends letting the child go and observing, rather than serving and entertaining.

– After three years, the child needs play, not you. And the older the child, the greater the need for play. And one more thing: children are more interested in playing with other children, not with you. Help your child find play partners

,” summarized Natalya Prusakova.

Photo: prusakova.psychologist

Who is the presenter?

I have two thoughts about this. First: if this is your time that you spend with your children, then why are they the ones who control the dynamics of this time? It’s a paradox, but this causes uncertainty to grow in children. How so? Children, especially those around 3 years of age, are generally not considered in any way to be leaders in relationships with adults. Responsibility for this lies entirely with adults. When your child follows you around the house, his need for your presence and his insecurity grow. So ask yourself: who is the boss in the family? Who is the leader in the family? And if it is children who command your life, then the cup of their needs will never be filled. You need to take the lead in your relationship with them. You have to decide what to play, with whom and for how long. If your child loves Lego, you should say: “I decided to play Lego with you all day!” Do you understand what happens? You got ahead of the child’s demand and tore these words from his lips. But it was not he who decided what you should do, but you yourself. And, of course, since you yourself “decided” to play with him, then be so kind as to enjoy the game. A smile, eye contact and kind words are essential for your new strategy to work.
—

Why does the child demand money?

There are several reasons for this behavior among teenagers:

• Doesn't know the value of money. This problem arises in families where the child has absolutely no responsibilities at home. Every whim is instantly fulfilled, and he does not have to make efforts to achieve the goal. In this case, when puberty sets in, it is quite difficult to force a teenager to work for the benefit of the family, because he is used to getting everything for nothing.
• Not used to calm dialogue. The younger generation may have the wrong belief that they can achieve their goals only by speaking in a raised voice. Including adult family members. This happens because from an early age they were not taught to have constructive dialogue, they were not required to talk calmly and without ultimatums.
• I decided to try my friend's method. A friend or classmate could share a working method of “extorting” funds from intractable relatives. And your child decided: “I’ll try, maybe it will work out for me,” and went to demand money.
• This tactic once worked. Perhaps you or your family members lacked the patience and nerves to properly respond to child extortion. Therefore, in order to avoid scandals, you followed the child’s lead when he demanded money from you.

Time for you personally

The last thing I want to say is that working parents absolutely need some personal time for themselves. To play sports, meet friends or be alone. I know that guilt can gnaw at you: you haven’t seen your children all week, and now you want to not devote all your time to them on the weekend? But believe me, two hours on Saturday are worth their weight in gold for you personally. Your mood will be lighter and more positive, you will be able to cope with impatience, and your children will benefit from it. Self-care is money in your parent's bank.

So take your relationship with your children into your own hands, don’t be afraid of tears and take care of yourself.

Source: washingtonpost.com

Why does a child need to beg for money?

With age, our children become more demanding and need some material resources.

1. To buy unnecessary but important things for him. For example, a fashionable pen or stickers, which he recently began collecting, for games with peers. The child considers it necessary to keep a certain amount in his pocket for his own expenses in order to be able to immediately pay for his purchase, and not have to contact his parents every time.
2. To maintain status. Teenagers care about their own authority among their peers. Therefore, it is important for them to make it clear to their friends that he does not need funds and is ready to spend money on an equal basis with others.
3. To feel more confident. Funds in our wallet add to our self-confidence. This works with adults, let alone teenage children. With the money begged from his parents, he can easily buy breakfast during recess, go to the movies with someone of the opposite sex, or save up for an expensive gadget.

Why does the child tell lies? Main reasons:

• Low self-esteem of a child . In particular, it can be caused by authoritarianism in the family and inadequate upbringing. Snitching in this case can be a way of self-affirmation at someone else's expense. In this case, teachers need to encourage productive self-affirmation and the child’s work on himself.
• Power . A child, knowing about another’s misdeed, can threaten and blackmail him: “If you don’t give me the candy, I’ll tell my mom what word you said on the street today.” In this case, the only way would be to “escape” the snitching: don’t listen, don’t take action in relation to the second child.
• Not knowing how to solve the problem . Sometimes a child turns to adults because he does not know what to do correctly and seeks their advice. Adults need to teach the child to solve problems on his own.
• Help for adults . The child may report the activities of their classmates or siblings to help adults discipline them. Here it is important to teach the child to correctly evaluate the complaint: is this really help?

Solving a Problem in the Classroom

Snitching is especially at its peak in the first and second grades of primary school, so teachers need to immediately begin active work to eradicate this bad habit. In addition to following other tips in this article, it is important for the teacher to direct children’s activities towards developing friendship and the ability to cooperate with other children to achieve a common goal, when the child can take responsibility for himself and limit his desires for the sake of a common cause.

The forms of work can be very different: classroom hours, trainings, literary reading lessons where books about friendship are studied, joint mini-projects, lessons from the outside world about what dangers there are at school and who you can turn to for help, and, of course, personal conversations with children. It is worth holding a parent meeting with the topic of sneaking, where you can agree with the parents on a single rule: “No sneaking,” so that the demands from the family and the school are the same.

Solve or intervene?

When thinking about whether or not to intervene in some situation after the child’s story, parents forget that they can also intervene in different ways. By sneaking around, the child implicitly demands that the adult solve the problem for him: restore justice, punish the guilty, reward the honest. Of course, this is exactly what needs to be done where there is a question of physical threat, bullying, cruelty. But in most cases this is not the issue, which means you need to intervene, but not solve it. In fact, this means approximately following the following steps:

1. Listen carefully to the gossip. For one reason or another, it is important for him to tell you what he says. Sometimes, the child does not need your active actions at all; without listening to your answer, he will again run off to communicate with those whom he just complained about.
2. React calmly, but honestly: “yes, you often have to deal with such injustice”, “everyone sometimes makes mistakes/breaks the rules”, “it happens, what can you do”, “the situation is really not the best.”
3. Explain to your child why you are not running to save him and transfer responsibility to him: “I hear that it’s unpleasant for you, but I think that you can cope with this situation yourself. What do you think you can do?”
4. Support the child and offer your help: “if it doesn’t work out, come and let’s think about what else you can do. And if it works, be sure to tell me later, I’ll be glad to hear.”

So, by helping your child resolve these situations, you are helping him become more competent, which actually solves the problem of snitching. Why report if you can solve the problem yourself faster and more efficiently?

Inability to achieve goals

Correctly setting goals and the ability to achieve them is a useful skill in adult life. People who do not possess it often dream in vain, do not know what they want, or do not make any effort to get what they want.

A person acquires this knowledge and skills in elementary school. It all starts with simple things: getting a good grade in a quarter, saving up money for a toy, or winning a competition. The child learns to calculate his strength, divide large goals into small ones and, most importantly, achieve what he wants.

An adult without such skills will not be able to succeed in his career, increase his income, or buy his dream home or car. Moreover, he will not even be able to understand which desires are important to him and which are just a fleeting whim.

Therefore, it is important to help your child learn to set goals correctly and understand how to achieve them.

Denunciation or message?

You need to understand the difference between sneaking, when a child wants to annoy another child and make him feel bad, and important reporting, when a child reports situations that could lead to tragedy. And this difference needs to be explained to the child : children should tell adults that someone is in danger, injured, etc. Moreover, when sending a child to school or a club, you need to say the names of adults to whom he can contact with such messages.

When a child wants to tell you something about another child, ask him: is this useful, important information? If not, then just cut it off and don't listen any further. The child, realizing that it is impossible to influence an adult in this way, will gradually stop complaining. The main thing is to always be consistent: if they say that you don’t listen to sneaks, don’t listen—introduce the rule in the classroom and family: “No complaints or sneaks!”

Teach your child to solve his own problems. When a child sees a problem, he should ask himself: Is this my problem? What can I do to solve it? Is anyone in danger?

Problems communicating with peers

Children often have problems communicating with classmates. Some are too modest, some are cowardly, some are conflicting. And the child will have to overcome his complexes in order to learn basic interaction with others.

Of course, there are specialties that require almost no communication. You might be a remote worker, a lab worker, or a mechanic who doesn't interact much with people. But you will still have to use at least minimal communication skills. For any job, you need to go through an interview, get to know your superiors and establish, if not friendly, then neutral relationships with colleagues.

All this cannot be done if communication skills are minimal. This does not mean that in the workplace you should strive to be the life of the party and a fun person. But being able to talk about yourself and keep the conversation going at least sometimes is necessary.

What to do if a child persistently demands money?

Try to apply the following actions to a teenager extorting money from his parents:

1. Stop disrespectful behavior. Any incorrect attitude towards adults on the part of a teenager is a sure sign that the parents once made a pedagogical mistake. The child should not demand, he can only ask or try to negotiate with adults to allocate him an additional amount for the purchase.
2. Discuss the possibility of increasing the amount of pocket money. Perhaps you don't give your child enough pocket money. Over dinner, discuss whether your family can increase the amount given to your teen.
3. Look for compromises. Find out why your child needs money. Invite your teenager to earn money on his own to buy something important to him. Or promise to give it as a gift for the next holiday. Teach your child to handle money wisely.

Lack of creativity

Many parents try to develop not only the rational side of their child, but also the creative side. To do this, they send him to a music school or theater group, buy appropriate toys, and encourage self-expression through appearance.

But some parents feel that creativity is important only for certain professions, such as musicians, artists or writers. Therefore, they do not attach due importance to the development of this side of the personality, considering this a whim or stupidity.

Although the creative approach is used not only in art, but also in science, technology, and production. Any new idea is a manifestation of creativity and imagination. Moreover, a developed creative attitude to business allows you to find a way out of emergency situations and make quick and non-standard decisions, which is useful in any activity.

That’s why it’s so important not to restrain your child’s creative impulses. This does not mean that you need to give it to all circles at once. But if he wants to wear a weird T-shirt, build a DIY scooter, or cook dinner, let him do it. This is how his creative potential is revealed.

Causes

Children tell lies (that is, they report minor misdeeds of others, most often in secret) for a number of main reasons:

• Because of envy or jealousy, not only material, but also “emotional”, if they notice that someone is receiving more attention or love.
• Because of the desire for revenge, one still emerges victorious, albeit dishonestly.
• The desire to get the attention of an adult or other children, albeit through “negativity”. Often it is the outcasts in classes who snitch for this reason. Otherwise, they will remain in a complete social vacuum.
• Sincerely trying to restore the rules that make you feel safe. Often these are children of extremely strict parents who have been taught strict rules, the violation of which causes great anxiety and a desire to immediately return everything to the “correct” track.
• Just like that, without noticing that they are doing something bad. Most often this is done by children under 7 years of age because they do not understand the negative consequences of such behavior.
• As a form of passive aggression, manipulation of others. The logic here is “I can’t be stronger or smarter than everyone else, so I’ll be more cunning than everyone else.”

It is important to distinguish these reasons from situations in which the child actually finds himself in a situation that he cannot cope with, in which he needs your help and support. In this case, the child does not gossip, but asks for help. For example, the message “Peter took my pen!” in a completely socially competent, accepted, authoritative child - denunciation. Exactly the same message from a child who does not know how to stand up for himself and who is often offended - a request for help.