What to do if a child steals: reasons, recommendations of a psychologist

2 3316 June 14, 2020 at 00:49 Author of the publication: Nadezhda Kozlova, administrator of the management company

Sometimes our children's behavior defies explanation. It is difficult to understand why a child has a desire to steal if his upbringing is based on the concepts of honesty and decency.

It seems that he has everything: a clean, comfortable house, good quality things, good books. We are ready to support his desire to learn by paying for additional classes. We try not to refuse any requests that are important to him, so that he does not feel deprived compared to his peers. In general, we are doing everything possible to raise him to be a decent person.

And he, ungrateful, steals. And he continues to steal, despite the punishment, and even lies that he didn’t take anything. At first it’s hard to believe that this is happening in our family. It's a shame that by paying so much attention to the moral education of our child, we get such a result.

While he only steals from his parents' house, you can somehow try to stop the thefts. What if he starts stealing from a kindergarten, school, or store? This is a disgrace to the family, a tarnished reputation for life! It’s scary to imagine how all this could end when he grows up and his parents are no longer around.

Child theft is a problem today

This problem is not as uncommon as it may seem. We don't hear about this often because when faced with a situation like this, parents usually try to resolve it on their own. They try not to introduce other people to it, simply because they avoid judgment from them. It is difficult to ask for help with such a question without feeling inside yourself a feeling of guilt and shame for raising a shameless, dishonest person.

Sometimes there is even a feeling that now the moral principles on which we grew up are devalued. And our own children do not attach any importance to this, despite the fact that we try to raise them the same way our parents raised us.

If you are caught stealing, you will be punished! What do we do when we catch our child stealing? Of course we'll spank him. That's the minimum. After all, this is not some minor offense. This is THEFT! And sometimes it’s very difficult for parents to restrain themselves. Out of indignation, “I want to just grab him and rip his hands out so that I can’t even think about this again.”

And after the execution, a conversation begins, and we try to explain to him that if he continues to do this, he will grow up to be a criminal, a thief, a scum of society. We tell him that no one will respect him, that he will end his life on the street or in prison.

Almost immediately after punishment we begin to feel guilty. Because they were too strict and could not restrain themselves. Again we begin to delve into ourselves, trying to understand where we made a mistake.

Stealing is like a drug

Faced with the romanticization of criminals in popular culture, the teenager believes that there is nothing wrong with easily achieving his goals. If you can’t get an iPhone honestly, that means you can take it from someone else. If for the first time everything works out and he gets away with theft, he begins to feel euphoric and feels permissive.

Nowadays there are many people who, in order to tickle their nerves and feel a surge of adrenaline, jump with a parachute, climb steep cliffs, and engage in extreme sports. Theft is akin to all of this. Gradually it becomes a kind of addiction, a disease. A professional thief can be a very wealthy person who has no need to steal, but he still goes and steals - not because he needs money, but to feel the danger, to tickle his nerves. It's like a drug for him, he can't live without it. A child, if not stopped in time, may also become dependent. On the one hand, he asserts himself, shows how cool he is, on the other hand, he feels euphoria from the surge of adrenaline he experienced. This is why it is so dangerous if a child steals with impunity. In such situations, all the bells must be rung, because the person disappears.

Why are our children different from us?

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan claims that we are all different precisely in our internal content. Our child may be different from us, and this is completely normal, because people are born with different mental qualities. This is explained by the presence of different vectors.

A vector is a group of innate desires and mental properties of a person. There are eight vectors in total, each of which determines a person’s life values, his thoughts and actions.

Nowadays, people generally have from 3 to 5 vectors. Even in the appearance of people we can observe the distinctive features of each vector.

It is innate desires that determine the characteristics of a child’s development. And we look at children through ourselves and our properties. For example, we were obedient children, studied hard, and respected our elders. We didn’t have to be taught to share everything equally, not to lie, not to take what belongs to others. It’s as if we were born honest and decent. Of course, we were not perfect, but we always tried to become better. Therefore, we sincerely do not understand how one can not feel the desire to be an honest and decent person.

This is how we evaluate the behavior of our children, comparing them with ourselves - this is my child, my blood, my genes. Having become parents, we try to raise our children the same way our mothers and fathers raised us. After all, thanks to them, we have grown into worthy members of society. But it turns out that we are built differently inside. We have different unconscious desires. This is the root of all problems and misunderstandings between children and parents.

Without changes in the family, experts will not help

If parents find out that their child is stealing in order to take a certain place in the teenage community, they can seek help from a psychologist. I don’t see anything wrong with this, because if a person has a toothache, he goes to the dentist, if his leg hurts, he goes to the traumatologist. Behavioral problems require professional help, this is normal. In more severe cases, you may need to see a psychotherapist.

I won’t say that you need to see a doctor right away. Sometimes parents need to start devoting more time to their child, and even if they missed it in some way, there is a chance to restore this connection. There is no need to scold and immediately grab the belt - this will not help build a trusting relationship. Many of our children are simply neglected due to parental busyness. Most dads and moms give them the opportunity to sit on gadgets as long as they want or go for walks with anyone, as long as they don’t disturb them, as long as they let them rest. This leads to a loss of communication between them. No matter how confidentially such parents talk to a teenager who has committed a crime, conversations will not change anything. It is necessary to change the forms of communication, often it is even necessary to change the place of residence - because if the child communicates in the same company that led him to the crime, there will be little sense in admonishing him. If nothing changes at all in the family, then even specialists will not help, no matter how good they are.

Allow him to be different

It often happens that our child is not at all like us. It’s like our nose and eyes, but it’s as if someone else is sitting inside. So the restless baby is growing up. He's always running somewhere, spinning around all the time. Reluctant to share toys. All you hear is: “Give me, give me, mine!”

He wants to do everything at the same time, gives up what he started, and grabs onto something new. Praise means little to such children; material reward motivates better. If you give him candy, he’ll go and put it in a bag, next to the others. His father has already made a box for him, so he says: “The bag is more convenient: you take it and go, and it will fit more.”

This behavior is caused by the presence of a skin vector. In childhood, until the end of puberty (about 16 years of age), we develop our innate qualities, which we realize as adults.

Provide employment

Crimes are often committed by teenagers who have a lot of free time. Previously, we were all busy all day: school, extra classes or training, then we still had to do homework. Now everything is paid, parents do not always have the opportunity to place their children somewhere, but this needs to be done. Even if teenagers do not go to sections or clubs, we need to provide them with something to do during the day. This could be some kind of household chores, helping neighbors or acquaintances. The main thing is to prevent idleness and teach the child to work. Without this it is difficult to raise a true Christian. After all, a real Christian is not one who lies on the couch all day and says: “Lord, have mercy and give me something to eat!”, but one who works hard all day. What was Adam called to do? - to cultivate and maintain the Garden of Eden. Our task now is to cultivate what surrounds us.

Who grows up from restless children

Owners of the skin vector are natural earners. Their basic innate desire is to obtain and preserve. They have a slender, flexible body, which, in turn, is a reflection of their flexible psyche.

People with the skin vector are organized and have a logical mind. Their leadership qualities are manifested in the desire to limit both themselves and other people, so they are disciplined and are able to demand this from others. It is to them that we should be grateful for the incredible engineering achievements of civilization, for sporting victories and for the creation of laws.

The desire for savings, including saving time and space, forces them to invent new technologies. From a bridge connecting two banks of a river to a spaceship traveling tens of thousands of kilometers in a matter of seconds. Not to mention the TV remote control, which gave us all the opportunity once again not to get up from a cozy, warm sofa. Skin inventions certainly save time and effort for millions of people.

For people with the skin vector, the highest reward is material encouragement and recognition of their leadership and excellence. All their qualities are aimed at making a profit and achieving a successful result. They become excellent financiers, lawyers, engineers, athletes, and businessmen.

How does a child develop?

But our child is not born an inventor and a businessman right away. Mental properties still need to be developed in childhood. During this period, a sense of security, which, first of all, is given to the child by the mother, is very important. He is not yet independent and needs the protection and support of his parents.

In addition to basic but vital food and sleep, it is important to take into account the psychological characteristics of such a child when raising him. Then it will develop harmoniously. But it seems to us that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and we are sincerely indignant and don’t understand why the child suddenly starts stealing. We didn’t teach him this!

A little earner, or where does “theft” begin?

Since by nature a child with the skin vector is a breadwinner, even when he is still small, he has “haptic” hands. Such children pull everyone towards themselves and do not like to share toys and candy. It’s better to put it aside or hide it somewhere in a secret place.

While the child is very small, parents look at his actions with tenderness: what can you do - an unreasonable child. But when the child starts playing with other children, it suddenly turns out that he “took” someone else’s toy from the sandbox. And he did it so quietly that her mother only discovered her at home. There is no limit to the outrage. The first educational conversation about THEFT begins.

Although the child does not even have such concepts - he got the toy, it is his trophy. But in the eyes of the mother, who “has never taken strangers”, this is a terrible act, and she begins to punish the child, first with words, and then with spankings. After all, how many times have they told him that he can’t do this, but he doesn’t understand. Maybe it will come to him - the parents are justifying themselves.

Why do children who have everything steal?

Thefts are often committed by children from wealthy families who do not need anything. Why is this happening? The child wants to take a special place in the hierarchy of life, wants to stand out from the crowd, to show that he is significant, that he can be a leader. If the theft is a success and the thief is not found, the child feels powerful, “cool” - he has deceived everyone, he is smarter than everyone.

We must also take into account that our criminal world is now very romanticized in popular culture. Although, if you look at the past, you can also find an attitude towards crimes as something valiant. Let's remember the same Robin Hood - he is an ordinary robber, for whom it is normal to come and take away someone else's property. It’s convenient to give it away later and be known as generous! But he didn’t earn all this with sweat and blood, didn’t put in any work - so what right did he have to dispose of?

Hitting children means stopping their development.

It is children with delicate and sensitive skin who have a low pain threshold and perceive physical punishment more severely than others. If parents beat their child (namely, they are his support and protection), then, by doing so, they seem to be telling him: “We are no longer protecting you, now you are on your own.” In this state, the child no longer receives a feeling of protection from his parents, and his archetypal behavior program is activated.

Now, in order to survive, he is forced to take care of himself. But the child is not yet ready to become an adult, his psyche is not yet developed. Therefore, he begins to act like a primitive skin man, obtaining everything that comes into his field of attention (toys, candies, money) by any means, that is, stealing. Or fulfill their archetypal species role, the successful fulfillment of which ensured the skin person’s safety in the primitive pack. So the child, acting unconsciously, tries to gain a lost sense of security. And adults see it as theft.

React and find out the reasons

What should Christian parents do if they are faced with the fact that their growing child is stealing? First of all, under no circumstances turn a blind eye to what happened and find out why it happened. In general, I would recommend that you definitely respond to child theft, no matter what age it happens. Even if a child simply took a toy without asking in kindergarten, you need to talk to him and explain that they don’t do that. We need to have conversations with children before they do something bad.

Second: we need to find the reason why the teenager steals. After all, children now see from their peers a lot of things that, for some reason, are inaccessible to them. Therefore, it is important not to lead children to theft. There is no need to demand that your Orthodox children humble themselves and wear something worse. There is no need to dress girls in skirts that reach to their toes, and dress boys in black and old-fashioned trousers. The child should not feel inferior. If theft was a reaction to this, then parents need to pay attention to his clothes and belongings.

Perhaps the child lacks attention in his company, he wants to impress or take the place of a cool guy. Often, such a desire also has roots in the family: he lacked praise there, a sense of self-worth - so he began to look for them outside his home, in the circle of friends.

The child may not understand the significance of what he has and may not realize the value of money. I recently had a case: a boy stole money from his parents. It turned out he needed pocket money. My parents came to me with this problem, and I offered to let him earn money at my temple. We have a construction project going on, and we came up with a job for him to do - move the bricks. The boy worked for a long time, was very tired, and at the end of the job he received his first salary from me. We talked, and since then the problem went away: he realized that money is not given for nothing, that making real money is not at all like receiving money from your parents.

Why punishments don't help

Every person tries to avoid suffering. With the same zeal he seeks pleasure. Someone gets it from gratitude for their work, from recognition and respect. A person with a skin vector needs recognition of his leadership, primacy, and the achievement of social and property superiority.

When we, parents, scold our skinny child for stealing, saying that he will grow up to be a worthless person, a scum of society, we hurt his dignity. This is the same pain as physical punishment.

Since it is difficult to endure pain and humiliation, the mental flexibility and high ability to adapt in a child with the skin vector help him learn to enjoy punishment.

At the physical level, this occurs due to the release of opiates and endorphins, which is a protective reaction and acts like a pain reliever. And as is often the case, painkillers are addictive.

So the desire for pleasure and the need for a feeling of security drives this little man into a trap. He continues to steal in order to feel protected at least for a little while. Then he gets his dose of endorphins - the pleasure of punishment. This is repeated again and again, and a lasting habit is developed. In the future, this may also become the reason for the formation of a scenario for failure.

Everyone needs an individual approach

What to do if you can’t punish a child? We were punished, and we grew up to be honest, decent, respected people. We tend to follow the example of our parents, losing sight of the fact that we are all born different.

What for one child is a punishment that makes you think about your behavior and improve, for another it can cause stress and stop development.

All children, and any adult, react equally poorly to physical punishment and yelling. And individual methods of education must be applied to representatives of each vector.

How to raise a child with skin vector

Every child will benefit from strict adherence to a daily routine. A specific list of responsibilities with the designation of the reward due for their fulfillment. The “you give me, I give you” scheme works well with them. Sports, discipline and a clear daily routine are the best helpers in raising a skin child.

A skin child understands prohibitions and restrictions better than other children. If for every “no and you can’t” you give a clear and logical explanation “why you can’t”, then this contributes to the development of a child with a skin vector.

In case of disobedience, restrictions in time and space can be applied. For example, send him to bed half an hour earlier, limit the walking area - not a step further than the sandbox. And standing quietly for 5 minutes in a corner will be even more of a challenge for an active child. It’s better to clean your room, as my mother asked, than such torment.

Correctional institutions do not correct

A child can now go to a juvenile colony from the age of fourteen. Criminals who have turned eighteen end up in a colony for adults. We need to tell children about what actions lead to such sad consequences. You can watch films with them - feature films and documentaries - that honestly talk about the zone, life behind bars, and the fate of prisoners. For example, I always liked the movie “The Boys” - I recommend watching it with your child. There is no need to intimidate, we need to discuss.

Unfortunately, not knowing the real state of things, imagining life in colonies from movies and TV series, teenagers tend to be mistaken about what awaits them there. They think they will be like some hero who ended up in prison due to a misunderstanding and gained authority there thanks to his special character traits. But prisons have their own laws, and so do juvenile colonies. There are their own authorities who demand strict obedience, who will achieve this obedience by any means, the most cruel, perverted and disgusting - those that I don’t even want to talk about. Yes, there will be very young criminals, almost children, but we must not forget that very often children are much more cruel than adults. They don’t yet know how to live, and therefore it seems to them that violence is the best and most effective way to achieve what they want.

Violence will surround a teenager in a colony day and night. He is unlikely to be able to come out of there as a normal person. Not a single human colony has corrected it. There they only break and maim. Our entire system is designed in such a way that correctional institutions do not correct people. If a person has an inner core, his own credo, which he does not agree to cross, then perhaps he has a chance. In the end, not everyone ends up in a colony because of intentional crimes; you can, for example, hit a person with a car and end up there.

If a person does not want to take the path of crime, he has a chance, but if he chose the path of a criminal, he will no longer return to the path of an honest person, because he has his own rules, his own honor, his own ways of establishing himself. If a teenager is attracted by all this romance, he will go further, to an adult prison, where he will be taught how to live “correctly” and how to earn money. Of course, this is a dead end path. If they say that there is nothing wrong with going to a colony, don’t believe it, it’s not true. It's very scary there. I remember our visit to the guys who, after the trial, were waiting for distribution to the colonies. I can’t forget the look of one guy who realized how scary the place he was in was. It was very difficult to see.

“Gingerbread” for a skin baby

Encouragement is also important in education. For boys it can be material. Another coin for the piggy bank. A bicycle for a good end to the school year. With girls, it is better to avoid direct material rewards. This may be a short journey - after all, a skinny person loves change so much. Or the opportunity to participate in a competition.

The greatest pleasure and main “carrot” for a skin baby is gentle stroking of the skin or “massages” from the mother. From such actions, a child, even a very active one, calms down and feels protected and safe. He receives great pleasure through his delicate skin.

Movement is always a pleasure for a skin child. Therefore, dancing, outdoor games and competitions can also be a good tool for reward and punishment. You've done everything - you go play. Failure to comply with the requirements means the games are cancelled.

Children with the skin vector immediately calculate their “benefit” and, if the demand is fair and they understand their benefit from its implementation, they easily accept restrictions. True, sometimes parents need to show “perseverance,” because a skinny child can “bargain” and promise to do someday later what he must do now. This is also how the desire to get a prize manifests itself, putting in a minimum of effort.

Pocket money and the opportunity to earn money

Children, especially teenagers, should have pocket money. It is important for them to be able to buy something, treat friends - this is the custom among them. Not everyone can ask their parents for them; many are simply embarrassed. Lack of pocket money can encourage theft. How to avoid this? Either give the child a small amount, or figure out how he can earn this money. At all times, those who wanted to find a job found one. My family lived modestly, and I started working as a loader at the market to have my own money. Now there is an opportunity to earn money using the Internet.

Parents can also help you find a part-time job. An acquaintance of mine entrusted his daughter, for a fee, with sending out job advertisements on the Internet to a large circle of people. She did this with pleasure, and in the end she helped her father and earned money. This practice seems very true to me: the child gets used to the idea that before he gets something, he has to work hard. If a teenager receives money from his parents just like that, it will seem to him that it is worth nothing - and this attitude will develop not only in relation to his own money, but also in relation to other people’s.

We are responsible for our children

We are responsible for the proper upbringing of our children. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan accurately shows that the state of the mother directly affects the state of the child. Children subtly sense all changes, fluctuations in the psychological atmosphere in the family and immediately respond to them.

After undergoing training in system-vector psychology, many mothers begin to notice changes in the behavior of their children. And miraculously, the problem of theft disappears. You can see the following results after the training:

The key to understanding our children

By better understanding our child, we will be able to give him exactly what he needs most for the harmonious development of his mental properties. This will help him in his further implementation in society, which is directly related to the quality of life of each person.

If you want to get acquainted in more detail with the features of the skin vector, learn how to grow an engineer, businessman or legislator respected in society from a little thief-earner, come to free online lectures on Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Author of the publication: Nadezhda Kozlova, administrator of the management company
The article was written based on materials from the training “System-vector psychology”