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“They don’t like me”, “What should I do if my parents don’t care about me”, “If I leave, no one will notice.”
Do you think these are the thoughts of just another depressed teenager? Unfortunately no. These and similar questions are asked by children, turning to the experts of the “I am a Parent” website for help, several times a week. Most likely, visitors to a site for responsible moms and dads will be surprised if they recognize their own child among the children who have asked such questions. How? You give him all the best! Give expensive gifts, help with studies.
A revelation for a parent may be that the child needs more conversations about how the parent feels about him and about the reciprocity of these feelings.
A child is not a flower under a hood
Parents have a strong love for their babies, especially when they obey. A young woman hugs her daughter, and she clings tightly to her mother. The father drops off his little son, and the boy then hugs and kisses him. But for parents, as a rule, the vital needs of their children come first. Children must be fed, clothed, shod, sleep in a warm bed, have the necessary toys, and live in safety. But for some reason many parents forget about the need for emotions and love.
Instead of warm feelings, adults show overprotection, which interferes with the normal development of a little person.
The child stops listening to his own feelings. He thinks that nothing depends on his actions and desires anyway. Psychologists say that in this case the little person can either rebel or resign himself. The first option is the most acceptable, but humility is the worst thing that can happen. Adults take care of their son or daughter and do not allow them to show responsibility. Boys and girls grow up infantile, unable to make their own decisions. At the same time, parents overload themselves with responsibilities and expect gratitude from their children. And this continues throughout life, regardless of whether the child is a small child or has long since become an adult.
Toddlers are much easier to control, but time flies and parents begin to realize that teenage children are out of control. To maintain authority, adults constantly criticize the teenager, impose their own opinions, and introduce new prohibitions. When a boy or girl needs the support and help of mom and dad, they in every possible way hinder the development and formation of children as individuals. As a result, a person grows up without realizing his capabilities, without the skills to make his own decisions. He is not responsible for his life, because the entire burden lies on the shoulders of his parents.
What awaits such children in the future?
Svetlana, mother of 26-year-old Yegor and 30-year-old Elena:
“We have always tried to make children's lives the best they can be. They forgot about themselves so that their daughter and son had everything they wanted. Sometimes I had to deny myself the most basic things in order to buy fashionable clothes for my children or pay for a trip to the sea. Then I studied at the university, and I needed even more money. I was proud that my children were receiving a higher education, and with any conflict or problem I ran to the dean’s office to sort it out. We tried to resolve all issues for the children so that they would not be distracted from their studies. It’s very painful to realize this now, but my husband and I made a big mistake. The son and daughter never learned to be independent. My husband and I don’t hear any gratitude from them. Only demands for help, but they do nothing for us.”
If something in life comes too easily, it loses value and significance. The person for whom the parents solve all the problems will never tell them: “Thank you.” Moms and dads must understand that responsibility must be taught from early childhood. Of course, parents up to a certain age are responsible for the life and health of their children, but there is no need to control children until old age. Many adults consider their son or daughter to be their continuation, a part of themselves. They do not want to understand that a child is a person with his own individual characteristics, character, and needs.
What can total control on the part of parents lead to? If adults do not respect the child as an individual, serious generational conflicts will inevitably arise. A person grows up, becomes an adult, but mom and dad invade his personal life without asking, give advice, indicate what and how to do. Parents try to do everything so that their son or daughter lives according to their guidelines and rules.
Tatyana, 37 years old:
“My mother taught me all my life how to live. She didn't want to listen to what I was telling her. Only her opinion was considered correct. My mother probably wanted the best for me, but in her opinion, I could live happily only if I completely obeyed her. In adolescence, constant criticism began: I dressed wrong, did my hair wrong, read the wrong books... As a result, I still suffer from a huge number of complexes.”
What can parents' vanity lead to?
The vanity of adults can help children realize themselves in life. But at the same time, parental vanity can ruin the lives of children. The scenarios may be different, but all of them, as a rule, do not make a person happy.
Parents, through their children, try to realize their own ambitions and goals. For example, in his youth, dad dreamed of becoming an artist. He takes his son to art school, forces him to draw, but the boy’s soul is not in this activity. Or the family of teachers does not see their daughter anywhere except in teaching. Although, the girl likes journalism, she wants to write articles and shoot reports. But under parental pressure, she has to enter a pedagogical university and spend her entire life doing something she doesn’t like.
If children stubbornly oppose their parents and try to make their own lives, they will have to listen to how much they disappointed mom and dad. Feeling guilty that you have disappointed your loved ones is a very serious, in some cases, even an unbearable burden for every person.
The child still achieved success in life, despite the fact that his parents did not approve of his attitudes and aspirations. But mom and dad are not proud of their son/daughter’s achievements; on the contrary, they mock and criticize his life in every possible way. In such cases, relationships between generations deteriorate or cease altogether.
Good parents do not impose their point of view and do not come up with a future life scenario for their children.
They teach their sons and daughters to make decisions on their own, while children should know that their parents will always support them in any endeavor. Mom and dad should see the child as a person, not property, with whom they can do whatever they want.
Resentment towards parents: who is to blame? (+VIDEO)
The commandment to honor our parents was given to us in the Old Testament. It’s worth thinking: why did the need for it arise? Isn't it natural to love and honor those who gave you life? Does a Christian have the right to be offended by his parents? Why is the problem of lonely old age so pressing today? Are children of bad parents free from debt to them? How can parents and children learn to treat each other correctly? Abbot Nektary (Morozov) reflects on this.
Comes from childhood
Today, unfortunately, there are a lot of lonely old people. Moreover, there are quite frequent cases when, with living children, even outwardly quite prosperous ones, their parents eke out a miserable existence - forgotten, completely alone, left alone with their illnesses, adversities, and financial difficulties. But does it happen that a morally healthy person raises a child who later abandons him? After all, not only for a believer, but also for any full-fledged person, it is completely natural to take care of those people who need care, and even more natural to take care of their parents. However, if a person grows up who is absolutely indifferent to the fate of his parents, then it is quite obvious that no one is to blame for this except them, no matter how cruel these words may sound.
A child is born as a small, helpless creature, having nothing and not being able to do anything, and he is formed in the family. And, on the one hand, of course, there are genes, and on the other hand, upbringing that makes a person one way or another.
You can harm a child if you indulge him in everything. This is how people grow up indifferent to anyone
A common mistake is to believe that you can traumatize a child and raise him to be morally defective only if you beat him, mock him, ignore him, do not participate in his life, if mom brings home strange men, if dad drinks or injects drugs, or terrorizes family members... But in the same way you can harm a child if you pamper him and indulge him in everything. This is how 100% egoists grow up, absolutely indifferent to anyone.
Raising a child so that he becomes a real, good person, I won’t even say a real Christian, is a much more difficult task than many people think. A child is not a cat or a dog, who need to be fed enough, bathed, caressed, taken for walks, and that will be enough. In order to raise a person who knows what is good and what is evil, and who loves good and turns away from evil, much deeper and much more serious work is needed. And here the point is not in parental gentleness or severity, but in whether we ourselves have some kind of deep internal basis of being that allows us to be real people in the full sense of the word, and whether we can pass it on to our children.
It is necessary to teach a child to love, to have compassion, to feel the pain of others, to be responsible, courageous, and strong. And the most important thing is that the child always sees all this in you, so that he can really rely on you, so that he does not feel fear, does not feel abandoned and understands: there is what mom and dad do, and there is what he should do I - simply because otherwise I cannot become a person.
There is an opinion that sometimes a mature child shifts responsibility for his failures in life to his parents, although there is no real fault on their part. In fact, there is, and it lies precisely in the fact that the child was not taught not to shift his own guilt onto others. And this is also a very important pedagogical point. The main teachers in a child’s life are his parents, and raising children is the most serious process there is. But can we say that most dads and moms feel this way? After all, people’s care for their children is often completely formal. How many parents read and talk with their children? How many parents really know their children, know what is going on in their souls? And it turns out: there is a family, but the people in it are completely strangers to each other.
We must love with a love that gives what is necessary, and asks for what is necessary, and punishes, and encourages.
There should be closeness and love in a family, because love is a normal form of relationships between people. And if it happens that children leave their parents, then it means there was no love, there was no internal contact between family members, which means they simply lived together. You need to love your children, but not with the kind of love that showers you with gifts and indulges them in everything, because this is the parents’ own idea of a good dad and mom. This is not love, but the cultivation of selfishness. We must love with a love that gives what is necessary, and asks for what is necessary, and punishes, and encourages, and encourages to work, and supports. And experience testifies: such real, such comprehensive love evokes reciprocal love from the child, gives rise to trust and intimacy.
It's not the parents' fault, but it's a disaster
Is there really no responsibility for the child for the fact that the relationship with the parents does not work out? In fact, these are two sides of a single whole. Any adult is responsible for everything he does, including his attitude towards his parents. If parents abused a child or turned him into a toy, trying to give everything, but depriving him of the main thing - freedom - and trying to control his entire life, then it is natural that often such children ultimately do not want to maintain a relationship and build a wall between themselves and their parents. We, priests, constantly have to talk to grown-up children who leave their parents, and we convince them that they need to dismantle this wall down to the brick, that they need to overcome the fear and pain in themselves.
How to overcome the fear of parents that led to alienation? – Stop feeling like a child, grow up
And there is only one way: to stop feeling like a child, grow up and understand that you are no longer a weak creature who needed help or in a certain way and did not receive it, and begin to feel your parents as children. They have made mistakes, but they are parents, they are getting old and now they themselves need help. And not only they need this, but also you yourself. Because this childhood breakdown will deform and disfigure your entire future life. This definitely needs to be dealt with. Actually, this applies to any pain, any trauma that a person has experienced.
Where to find the strength for this and what to rely on? Firstly, one must firmly know that man is so amazingly created by God that he can overcome anything - he potentially has the strength for this from birth. What is the source of these forces? In addition to God’s gift for overcoming, of course, there is the grace of God, which is capable of healing absolutely everything. And not only to heal, not only to make the disease seem not to have existed, but in fact to transform, change and make a person completely different. We can see this in the lives of not only saints, but also the most ordinary people who come to church. How do they achieve this? They simply approach Christian life informally, understanding that it consists not only in reading morning and evening prayers, the Holy Scriptures, not in visiting church, and not even in participating in the Sacraments. Everything changes when the truth of the Gospel truly enters a person and he begins to understand what is truly valuable in this life. And only the Lord and what connects us with Him are valuable. And when this revaluation occurs, a person really has absolutely colossal powers. And then a person begins to see his parents through the prism of the Gospel and realizes: what your parents did wrong to you is their problem, not yours. And you cannot abandon them in this trouble, but you try to help them. This may or may not work out, but, nevertheless, such a desire should be born in a completely natural way. This is a matter of internal development and a huge victory over oneself, a victory of love. After all, it happens that parents did everything wrong, but children overcome it, forgive, and meet halfway.
Duty or natural obligation?
Returning to the topic of lonely old age... You can often hear: it is important to look after your parents. In my opinion, this is not important , but natural . Because in principle there should be no other way. Yes, it was once the custom among some semi-savage peoples to take their elderly parents somewhere outside the villages, thus dooming them to a quick death. But for our modern society, there is still a traditional understanding: if you do not take care of your parents, then you are an inferior person, that is, not fully human. And there is no need to move away from this understanding.
For a Christian, this question, in principle, cannot arise, because we are called, even about people who are completely strangers to us, to show some kind of concern that is possible and accessible to us. And taking care of parents is also a duty. Even if they were not close people to us, even if they lived with us in such a way that we doubted whether we were family. Nevertheless, taking care of them is completely natural: after all, the Lord has somehow connected us, and He wants us not to abandon them. This is where the commandment to honor parents comes into full force.
Of course, caring for parents with whom we had a difficult relationship will most likely become difficult work, perhaps they will even interfere with us in this work, hinder us from taking care of ourselves - we must overcome all this and do our job. Sometimes people have to place their parents in institutions, and this is not always the result of unwillingness to care for them, selfishness or cruelty. For example, an elderly mother or father, while their children are at work, regularly opens the gas or turns on the iron in the apartment and poses a threat not only to their own life, but also to the lives of other residents of the house. Not everyone has the opportunity to hire a caregiver, not everyone has relatives to organize duty. And to avoid trouble, some have to resort to this extreme measure. And of course, it can only be justified when there is a completely clear justification. In all other cases, of course, these burdens and labors must be borne by the person himself, remembering, perhaps in a Christian way, those who took strangers into their homes, looked after them, treated them and escorted them to another world, and being inspired these examples. Although there is nothing selfless in caring for elderly and infirm parents, it is our natural duty.
Being human
It would seem that it is completely natural for a person to love and honor his parents. Nevertheless, the Lord at Sinai specifically gives such a commandment to the Jewish people. Why? We must remember that the world at that time was quite cruel and savage, in which people treated each other in a completely barbaric way and killed each other. The Ten Commandments are a kind of foundation on which it was possible to gradually grow a society of people living more or less... I won’t even say piously, but humanly. You don’t gouge out someone else’s eye so that they don’t gouge out your eye, but this does not mean at all that if your eye is gouged out, you must necessarily respond in kind. If someone forgives someone, that's even better. Therefore, it is quite obvious that the commandment to honor their parents was given to those who did not honor their parents, otherwise there would be no need for it.
Unfortunately, this is becoming just as true in our time because people are losing their sense of what it means to be human. And to be human means, in particular, to love your own kind and love those who gave you life.
Loving parents like... enemies
In general, almost everyone knows the commandment to honor parents, but the phrase of the Apostle Paul: “Parents, do not irritate your children” is known to few people. What is its meaning?
A person can not only accept the commandment about the need to honor one’s parents formally, but even reject it in one’s heart, because if your parents did not instill in you respect for themselves, then on what will your respect and honor for them be based? When parents do not irritate their children, but love and care for them, then it is quite natural that the children will have reasons to love them in return and why they should be respected. You can approach a plot of land and demand that it grow something. But only weeds can grow just like that, and in order to harvest the crop, you need to dig up the ground, plant something on it, water it, and take care of it. Here the Apostle Paul speaks about the first part - about the need to do everything that is necessary for the harvest to appear. And respect and veneration are already a harvest. And what parents sow, they later reap. This is true.
On the other hand, for a Christian, love and respect for man as the image and likeness of God are the law of life. Therefore, it is impossible to take parents out of the total number of people whom it is natural for a Christian to love and respect. Of course, sometimes others did not have time to do to you what your parents did to you - sometimes they are simply enemies. But then this requires from you a real feat of love for your enemies, and, indeed, this love has its own certain outlines and a certain character. After all, when we love an enemy, our love consists in the fact that we forgive him, do good to him, overcome feelings of rancor and hatred, but this does not imply that we introduce him deeply into our lives and allow him to destroy our home and cause harm to our health. And here, too, common sense and reason are required in relation to such parent-enemies, and the manifestation of love for them must be in accordance with the circumstances.
If the Lord gave you to be born from these people, then there is something that connects you. And we must accept this from God
But there can be respect for a person as the image and likeness of God, regardless of what that person is like. For a grown child who has become a Christian, which means he perceives life through the Gospel, such respect again becomes natural. And then, if the Lord brought you to be born from these people, it means that there is something that binds and unites you in some completely inseparable and indissoluble way. And we must accept this from God.
If a child lives “wrong”
Very often, churching, unfortunately, becomes just an irritant for children and another stumbling block in relationships. Often parents do not behave quite correctly with their children, forcing them to go to church, begin the sacraments, condemning them for unbelief and non-Christian views. The question arises: how to behave if your child, as they say, does not live as he should?
“God will punish you” are generally the most terrible words; parents simply do not have the right to say them to their children
One of the ancient fathers has the following teaching: “No matter what happens, always reproach yourself for everything.” Firstly, any problem that arises is necessarily your fault - either direct or indirect, because your mistakes or sins create the spiritual atmosphere in which all this happens. Therefore, it is completely natural not to blame the child for this and try to somehow influence him - but first look at yourself, understand that what is happening is the result of your activity, and not demand from him that he change right now. If you were an unbeliever and at some point turned to Christ, this does not mean that this should immediately happen to your child. The Lord has been waiting for you for years, and you should also wait for some time. If you can't help, then at least don't interfere. When parents begin to drag their child to church literally by force, when they say that otherwise he will not receive this and that or God will punish him, this does not attract, but, on the contrary, repels. “God will punish you” are generally the most terrible words, parents simply do not have the right to say them to their children, because then they turn God into some kind of punisher, into some kind of terrible image that gives birth not to love, but to an endless feeling of guilt. all life.
A church-going father or mother should try to understand what brought them to God and pass this on to their child, so that the light, the love, the joy that they saw, at least to some extent, is also seen by him. And if he can't see that in you, he won't believe you. If your child formally goes to church with you, attends Sunday school, what will change from this? Christianity will not be revealed to him, but it will appear to him as a certain form, which at some point may become boring, may lose its meaning, its significance, because the child did not understand either the meaning or the meaning. We all know what a vaccination is: it is when a person has had some disease in a mild form, and then he no longer suffers from it seriously. So there is such a terrible thing as vaccination against Christianity. This is when a person is not offered Christianity as such, which penetrates to the very depths of the human being and changes everything in a person, but instead is given Christianity in some kind of wrapper. And then a person begins to think: faith means morning and evening prayers, regular visits to church, reading the Gospel and confession and Communion. No, this is not Christianity. These are integral parts of our church life. And Christianity is hearing Christ, understanding what He tells us in the Gospel, and accepting it with all your heart and following Him. This requires a deep, fundamental change in a person’s entire life, in his entire internal structure.
But a person cannot be satisfied with the shell, he becomes bored, insipid, and in the end he rejects this kind of Christianity. And when later in life he hears about Christ, he says: “Eh, no! This has already happened in my life, this stage has already been passed.”
Therefore, the child must either try to give Christianity as it is, if you yourself understand, or not use any violence, but give the opportunity to choose, which you also had.
The problem here is broader, because often parents, in principle, do not know how to accept the otherness of their children. How to overcome this? If there is love, then the ability to accept and understand will come. If there is no love, then everything is much more complicated. Again, the answer to this question lies in the Gospel: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Treat your child as yourself, give him the opportunity to choose for himself. You can make this choice easier for him by telling him, showing him what you didn’t know at the time. But don't force it. After all, a child perceives many things directly. He respects beauty, strength, what is interesting, bright, deep. Show him what is bright, strong, deep, beautiful, and he will follow it. Why do children today try to imitate some spider-men, supermen, some completely ridiculous, ridiculous images? Yes, because in life they do not find the examples that they would like to follow. So who should be these examples? Of course, parents. Do you want your child to become a full-fledged person? Be a complete person yourself. And the child will see this in you, and he will be drawn to you, and no bad company will draw him away from you, because at home there is something that is much more important to him than there. And, accordingly, when you come to Church, the child will come with you, because he knows: what you are doing is right and good.
The stupidest and most terrible mistake parents make is raising a child without raising themselves.
The stupidest and most terrible mistake of parents is to raise a child without raising themselves. First of all, you need to be a teacher in relation to yourself and not stop this process of creative change in your own personality. And then quite naturally the child will be involved in this process.
***
I have heard the phrase: parental love seems to roll down a mountain, and children's love goes uphill - they say, it is easier for parents to love than for children. To be honest, I don’t understand why they say this. Love either exists or it doesn’t. Today, many parents are burdened by their children and want to live independently and free from them.
Love is what fills a person's life with meaning. Therefore, a person needs to learn to love not just his parents, he needs to learn to love in general. Love is not only the basis of life, the basis of happiness, love is life. And life without love is incomplete, it is some kind of rudiment of it. But if you learn to love, then it is natural that you learn to love those people who are closest to you by blood, that is, your parents. So it’s easier for those who learn.
What to do if children do not respect their parents?
Whatever the reason for the disrespectful attitude, it is important for parents to recognize their own mistakes and try to correct them. To do this, you need, first of all, to talk frankly with your son/daughter. Let each side calmly talk about their expectations, desires, and grievances. After all, parents and children love each other, but mutual misunderstanding prevents them from splashing out emotions and feelings. Parents who respect their children’s choices, support them, and rejoice in their successes will certainly be respected by their sons and daughters.
The conflict of generations is inevitable, because at all times children and parents had different points of view on many things. But in a relationship, mutual respect is of great importance. Respect your children's opinions, even if you think they are absurd.
Lilia, 29 years old:
“I am grateful to my mom and dad for always loving me and giving me complete freedom of choice. At the same time, I knew for sure that they trusted me. In our family, everything was built on love and trust. There were times when we could not buy groceries, but I understood that my parents had financial difficulties and did not demand new things or gadgets. During the period when dad began to earn well, I also did not ask for expensive gifts, but I was always grateful if they bought me something. Material values are not the most important thing; it is much more important to feel that there are loving and understanding people nearby. When I said that I wanted to become a surgeon, my parents did not dissuade me. At the family council it was decided that I would go to medical university, and then I would decide on the direction of my professional activity. Now I work as an obstetrician-gynecologist, but I changed my mind about being a surgeon. I have my own family, but with my mom and dad we maintain the kindest and warmest relationships.”
To maintain respect between parents and children, it is important to give thanks rather than demand.
Take a step towards each other so that in the future your relationship will be warm, friendly and sincere. leave a comment
Why do parents become like this?
The interaction between a toxic parent and his “victim” is nothing more than a codependent relationship. This is discussed in detail in Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents. The popular American psychologist raised the urgent problem of emotional and physical abuse of children in 1989, revealing all its aspects in her publication. On its pages, Forword not only described in detail the reasons for the formation of a toxic personality, but also proposed a number of effective techniques for dealing with a “difficult” parent.
As psychologists' studies show, parents often harm their own children unintentionally. With the exception of advanced cases, almost none of them set out to break the fate of their child. They cultivate complexes and incorrect psychological attitudes in their descendants because they once received them themselves as a life scenario.
We all come from a terrible childhood. Psychotherapist S.V. Kovalev
The mechanism for the formation of an abuser (moral sadist) starts in the early years of his life, when the attitudes of close relatives are not subject to analysis and are perceived as an infallible truth.
Here are the main reasons why a person becomes a bad parent:
- The abuser grew up as a spoiled child. In the future, such parents become irresponsible, infantile and helpless, especially in difficult situations.
- An abuser from a dysfunctional family. He has no idea about the principles of morality, an example of a normal lifestyle and healthy interaction with others. Often such parents drink, take illegal drugs, do not disdain casual relationships and physically abuse their children.
- The abuser experienced severe mental trauma as a child associated with his parents. It worked like a shield and caused a complete emotional detachment from the children’s experiences. Such people prefer an authoritarian method of education, bordering on despoticism.
- The abuser grew up in poverty, other extreme conditions, or, on the contrary, was overly cared for by his parents.
- The abuser suffers from some mental disorder of varying severity.
From the above, the conclusion follows: toxic relationships in the family have strong and deep roots. It is useless to fight a parent’s character, especially if the person is already old. After 40-50 years, deep attitudes firmly grow into the psyche and can even get worse. What can the children do? Determine the type of toxic personality and develop an interaction strategy that will smooth out rough edges and protect against further development of the conflict.
