Relationships with a married man, advice from a psychologist

Date of publication: 05.13.17

Everything happens someday, and if a year ago you couldn’t imagine that you could fall in love with a married man, now you’re already in the clouds of love.

Every minute you wait for an SMS from him with news of when he can come to you again, and every time you are left alone on weekends or holidays, remorse begins to torment you. What to do if you fall in love with a married man? After all, as you know, not all men are in a hurry to get a divorce if they have an affair on the side. They value family, children, and are simply looking for entertainment or an outlet from everyday life with their mistress.

However, in life you can also find happy marriages, after the first failed one, when the husband left his wife for his mistress.

What should a girl do who fell in love with a married man? To leave on your own, to remain in the role of a mistress for an unknown period, or to demand a divorce and the beloved man will get divorced, we asked the readers of our women’s online magazine “Being a Woman” about this; perhaps these answers will help someone solve such a difficult everyday issue.

Relationships with a married man: are they true?

Every second mistress is convinced that the married man she is dating loves her, not his wife.
The other half of women will argue that the legal spouse is somehow worse than the mistress, which is why the husband is cheating. This is what the “infidels” themselves can say, because how else will they start relationships on the side? Roughly speaking, usually a man simply lies to assert himself or to diversify his personal life with good sex. The desire to find new love very rarely pushes a married man into extramarital affairs. Even if he becomes attached to his mistress, he is unlikely to be ready to leave his wife, with whom he is connected by common property and years of marriage. It can take quite a long time to make a responsible decision. A man has a lot of reasons not to leave his family - the age of the children, the common business, the opinion of relatives.

Such a relationship may well suit a man who has decided to sit on two chairs. But for a woman, such a situation will become more and more dramatic, especially if she has feelings.

There is no point in making claims against a married man, but in order to understand his true attitude towards his mistress, she needs to clarify several questions:

What is the reason for his betrayal? Is he really unhappy with his wife and is trying to compensate for this on the side?
Does she need such a relationship and can it replace her real family?
Will a woman be satisfied with a supporting role, is she ready to be content with what is left after her family?
Does she agree to wait until the man “ripes” and decides to divorce?
Will she be able to calmly accept the fact that the romance has exhausted itself?

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1. Determine accurately that a man is married. A man can wear a ring on his finger in memory of his wife who broke his heart - or he can not wear it at all, while being happily married. If you do not know the marital status of a man, do not rush to get carried away with him, but first understand whether your chosen one is married or single.

2. Understand yourself. If it has become clear that you absolutely love a married man, you should clarify your feelings, no matter how difficult this may seem. You need to not just engage in soul-searching, but try to analyze the situation with all composure. What are the future prospects? Are you ready to be on the sidelines? Fight for your happiness at the cost of someone else's family? Step aside and let your man stay with his legal wife? How high are your chances of success? Asking the right questions will help bring clarity and slightly unravel the complex situation of a love triangle.

3. Find out about the plans of the chosen one. An important role is played by how the man himself treats you. If two people have found each other, and the marriage of one of them has been cracking at the seams for a long time, perhaps the game is worth the candle. Then your decision to fight for love will be correct. But don’t expect the man to reveal all his cards to you. If your married chosen one perceives you as a small affair that gets the blood pumping, things are bad. You can take life-changing steps to strengthen your feelings every day, but love is a matter of two people. It’s simply not fair to carry such a difficult situation on your shoulders to a bright future.

4. Determine your waiting period. An affair with a married man is fraught with long and meaningless waiting. Not all men are in a hurry to divorce their wives, break up the established way of life over the years of marriage, or have a long and difficult time dividing their children. You can wait for years for weather by the sea, remaining on the sidelines, celebrating holidays alone and waiting until there is time for you. Determine for yourself how long you are willing to wait for your lover’s fateful decision. And if he is in no hurry to be with you, then you don’t have to sacrifice yourself and share him with another woman.

5. Give up illusions. If a man is not very interested in you, it may be easier to give up on your intentions. Do not grow a gestalt from scratch: you have decided that you are not on the same path with your beloved but married person, and therefore try to end this relationship as less traumaticly as possible.

How to stop loving a married man

It is not so easy to erase a person from your heart and from your life. But sometimes you need to do this for your own well-being. If an affair with a married man has no prospects, the best solution is a decent exit into a new relationship. Rushing to build them right away may not work. But endlessly experiencing the loss is also not the best strategy. What to do?

1. Diversify your own leisure time as much as possible. Even if you think that you are in vain drowning out the melancholy in your heart with communication, and in the evenings you cannot find a place for yourself. Over time, it will become easier to cope with the breakup, and one day you will realize that you are ready to turn this page of life.

2. Limit communication with the object of your love. Ideally, reduce it to zero. Even if you work together, even if you have many mutual friends and if you really want to remain at least friends. You can become them later, but now it’s better to take more care of your life and yourself.

3. Switch your attention to another man. Remember that there are many other men around, and you are quite capable of finding a worthy partner who is not married to another woman. Start going on dates, try flirting or chatting on social networks. Don’t get hung up on the idea that a married man is the One and Only.

4. Don't compare yourself to his wife. This is the easiest way to get stuck in a hopeless relationship for a long time, and at the same time lower your self-esteem. There is no need to look for what you are worse at, or, conversely, to look for weaknesses and shortcomings in your rival. The best thing you can do is not to go on social networks and spend more time on yourself.

We wish you a mutual and happy relationship. There are so many interesting things in life that it is simply pointless to spend it waiting for happiness. Start being happy now, value yourself

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03.02.2017 15:17

How to maintain a relationship with a married man?

If a woman decides to maintain such a union, despite all the negative aspects, psychologists recommend the following
:

Keep this relationship a secret from everyone. If the wife finds out about the husband’s affair, she may demand to separate from her mistress.
Do not say anything bad about his wife, even if the man himself complains about her. There is an invisible connection between spouses, and a man can be hurt by offensive words addressed to his wife.
Do not put pressure on a man and do not demand anything from him.
Constantly convince a man how important and loved he is.
Be skillful and relaxed in bed.

A lover must always be prepared for the fact that this relationship could end at any moment. Keeping a married man is both simple and difficult. Many husbands are not against having an interesting time with a pretty girl, but not everyone will do this to the detriment of the family. A man has to sneak away from his wife, find reasons to come home later, and hide money for gifts for his mistress. She is forced to adapt to his schedule, and is never sure when the next meeting will take place.

I love a married man - leave on my own and forget about him

Felicia, 18 years old:

I am absolutely against such situations, since my family broke up because of another woman. Love - please. Nobody forbids it. But demanding a divorce from a man is not right. He already has a family, which means he has some obligations to his family. He swore an oath to love in sorrow and joy, in sickness and in health. And this woman who fell in love has no rights to this man. I don’t want to say at all that a wife has a man, no, we are all individuals and only we decide everything ourselves.

“Rejoice at being a mistress?” And you put yourself in the place of his wife. Would you be happy if your husband cheated on you? I think no. So this is the conclusion. I think in such situations it is best to just say goodbye and forget. Why torture both yourself and the man in vain, because he is bound by an oath. Of course, nowadays people easily get divorced without thinking about the consequences, but that is another matter. Have you noticed that you are always more drawn to “someone else’s”? Well, of course, because forbidden fruit is always sweet. But I believe that family is sacred, and to break it up because of love, which can pass... And who will give the chance that he will not do the same to you (if he still listened to you and divorced)? Forgetting such relationships is the best option!

Olga, 23 years old:

They say that you can't order your heart. This was the case in my case. When I was 18 years old, I fell in love with a married man. He had an unloved wife and a daughter who had recently turned 2 months old. On the one hand, I understood that this was a family and I couldn’t interfere there, but on the other hand, I justified myself by saying that he didn’t love her. 7 years later I realize how wrong I was. I blamed his wife for getting fat and not taking care of herself. How is this possible, she’s a woman, she has such a handsome husband, next to whom you always need to look 100%. I couldn’t even imagine that I could one day find myself in her position.

Our relationship was short-lived, however, our consciences did not allow both of us to continue dating. We broke up on my initiative. Mom read the lectures that this is bad, that this is impossible, imagine yourself in her place. I cried, but I had to make this decision.

Now I’m married, I’m scared to imagine that my husband, having gained weight after giving birth, can easily and simply exchange me for a young, beautiful girl. This gives me an incentive to remember that I should take care of myself and look good, although in fact, it does not provide any guarantee that you will not be betrayed.

Diana, 22 years old:

“I love a married man” - with this realization my dark streak in life began. It often happens that having “beaten off” a man from his legal wife and children, a young and, it turns out, still stupid woman does not understand the seriousness of the situation. No, there will be no divorce, there will be no happiness for the homewrecker, there will be a broken family and the damaged psyche of the children. I realized this from my own experience...

Glory to the Almighty that having fallen in love with a married man, I did not have time to either destroy the family, or take him away, or make his wife cry.

Our common work brought us together with a former lover, shrouded in family ties. Almost immediately we drew attention to each other, instantly I realized that my heart skipped a beat, and just as quickly I noticed the ring on my finger. After a week of dating, he expressed his feelings to me and began to look after me very beautifully. There was no limit to conversations and dates, which is why I thought that he was married, but living separately, because what kind of married man could have so much free and simple-minded time? It turned out that everything was simpler - his wife was relaxing with the children at sea, and he, in turn, was not bored either. The wife arrived, and what every woman experiences when she is in love with an unfree man began. Rare calls, communication only at certain times: when he is in the bathroom - a short conversation on the phone, when at work and when supposedly “at Vovan’s” - only here I was awarded a personal audience. Valentine's Day - for him and his wife (which is logical!), New Year - celebrated in the family (which is more than true!), weekends with the child (naturally!). And I? Not even in the background... But somewhere there, in the excavations. Then it got even worse: I started having dreams that I was an evil homewrecker who would burn in hell. But that's how it is. It turns out that I am sinning, but in return I do not and will not have happiness. Why then am I breaking my family? Why am I lying to myself that there will be a future with him? Why am I taking the father away from the children? What is all this for? I made the decision very quickly. I left work, changed my phone number, writing from an old SMS that it’s THE END, the end of something that never began.

Dear women, respect yourself, do not waste your time and beauty on married men who will never be yours to the full extent of this understanding!

And most importantly... PUT YOURSELF IN HIS WIFE'S PLACE. Would you like this? Here’s the conclusion: you can’t love married people, you can’t!

How to break off a relationship with a married man?

If the mistress understands that a man will never leave his family, and such a relationship has no future, she should get rid of them as soon as possible.
Of course, if a woman is satisfied with a relationship without commitment, she can continue to have a forbidden affair. But if she sincerely loves her chosen one, it is better to refuse such love so as not to ruin her life. To make it easier to leave a married lover, it is recommended to write down all his shortcomings on paper and re-read them before each date. A woman also needs to ask herself what it is about this man that inspires her admiration or respect, and look around. Are there really no more men with the same qualities?

To break up with a married man for sure, you need to break off the relationship sharply and decisively. The mistress should directly tell her chosen one about this and ask him never to seek a meeting with her again. There is no need to answer his calls and SMS, or call yourself. If you still have to communicate, for example, at work, you need to talk only about business, and at first you can generally ask for a business trip or vacation.

No married man can be considered happy if he is forced to drink a worse grade of gin than before his marriage. Henry Louis Mencken

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“People meet, people fall in love, get married...” What if you happen to fall in love with an already married man? Of course, families are different. And perhaps you are lucky if your lover is in the process of divorce or is in a fictitious marriage - then nothing will interfere with your happiness. But this is rather an exception to the rule, and usually a married man has a wife and children waiting at home. So what to do with that bright feeling that suddenly arose for an unfree man? And what should you do if you fall in love with a married man? As you know, love is evil... But is it love?

In fact, it is in your interests that this feeling turns out to be anything but love. Understand yourself, remember when you realized that you fell in love with a married man? Why did the choice fall on this person, what is special about him? Love is often confused with other feelings, such as gratitude

. Perhaps this is the case: a man once helped, supported, provided assistance... It is for this reason that girls and women often fall in love with their doctors and even driving instructors. Well, here it is: find a way to thank this person (a box of chocolates or expensive alcohol is quite appropriate as a “payment” for help). And call it a day. In a couple of months you will understand that there was no love at all - just a heightened sense of gratitude.

Or maybe he looks like the man of your dreams, the man from the picture... Admiration for such a character can also be mistaken for love. But it’s very easy to say goodbye to illusions - just take a step forward and get to know the person better. In everyday life, the man in the picture quickly loses his magazine gloss and sometimes turns into a completely unattractive subject.

Another all-consuming feeling that is often mistaken for love is passion. Think about it, you're experiencing

Do you have anything other than sexual attraction for this man? Is he interesting to you as a person, and in general - do you know anything else about him other than the fact that you are physically attracted to him? Falling in love with a married man can seem like a place where it’s boring. Perhaps you are simply drawn to adventure because your personal life is not satisfactory. And here he is on the horizon, so handsome and charming, and it seems that, even if just a little, I will touch this “happiness”. How is this treated? Believe me, an affair with a married man is not such an exciting adventure. We'll tell you why further.

If you are still sure that you love this person, and you even managed to have an affair with him, it is too early to rejoice. Such relationships will never become full-fledged, only in the most rare cases if the man leaves the family. Think for yourself, what are your prospects?

You will never be in first place. The wife can call at any moment, and he will always answer the call, moreover, he will rush home, no matter what you are doing
at that moment;
Loneliness will become your normal state, because he will spend all weekends and holidays with his family;
At night you will also warm yourself under the blanket alone. The evenings will be yours, but not all of them;
You will not be allowed to share your experiences with anyone except close friends and girlfriends (and even those, in a fit of honesty, can tell the whole story to your lover’s wife). You'll have to hide, especially from mutual friends. No happy selfies together on Instagram, no walking together where you can be seen;
He will not introduce you to his parents
, he will hide you from everyone;
You will only have today. There will be no common plans and dreams.

Continuing the theme of “boring life” - if unmarried girls have a craving for forbidden fruit when there is no more suitable partner nearby, then in this case the culprit is satiety with the existing partner. Between you and your husband there are several years of quarrels and troubles, which, although not so frequent, tend to accumulate in the memory as a painful burden. It seems that not everything is rosy between your lover and his wife, and you know (or guess) about it. Of course, the temptation to escape from family life into the ideal world of a new relationship is great. But you shouldn't give in to him.

Each of you has responsibilities to your families. You both accepted these responsibilities when you got married. If you have children, it means you are responsible for their future. If not, this does not relieve you of responsibility to your husband. The same is true for the man you like.

What to do if you are married but fall in love with a married man? Firstly, you definitely shouldn’t start a relationship with him in secret from your families. How many people are in your family? Your husband, his parents, your parents, your children... Every day while you are dating another man, you will deceive all these people. A pleasant prospect? It doesn't seem like much.

However, there is another side to the issue. Sometimes you understand

that your marriage has simply outlived its usefulness. Sometimes it is very important to isolate yourself as quickly as possible from a man who has become hateful (after all, in addition to personal grievances, there are also emergency cases - assault or alcoholism, for example). In this case, be honest with yourself.

But it will be better if your feelings for another person remain aside from the bickering with your husband. His family situation may be completely different. And if he is not ready to leave his family and be with you, there is no need to reproach him. If you fell in love with a married man while you were married, it means that you are both adults capable of making informed decisions.

In fact, you are not alone. Oh, how many “girlfriends in misfortune” you actually have! Attraction to an older man is, in principle, characteristic of young girls (although, of course, not absolutely all). This is inherent in European culture: a man, they say, should be older, wiser, stronger, and so on. a statement for you

fair enough - well, no big deal. But it is within your power to find another man - one not burdened by family ties.

If you fall in love with a married man older than yourself, then you can fully expect

to reciprocal feelings. Of course, if your wife is his age, you will look very advantageous against her background. But how clear will your conscience be if you enter into a relationship with him? Won't you repent a few years later when this affair ends? And it will end, believe me - after all, your lover can always meet another girl, even younger, even prettier.

It's time to take stock. You fell in love with a married man and don't know what to do next. tried above

analyze the most common situations associated with this. And now - a guide to action.

This advice may sound trivial, but it should not be underestimated. What to do if you fall in love with a married man? Put yourself in the shoes of his wife. Imagine her, because she exists, she gave him her youth, gave birth to a child or even several, she loves, waits, creates comfort in their common home. Children are bored and waiting for dad to return from work and bring something tasty... Imagine this picture as often and clearly as possible, and the desire to destroy someone’s family will gradually fade away. As you know, you can’t build happiness on someone else’s misfortune.
Even if it seems to you (or you are sure) that his family life has not worked out, this does not mean that everything would be different with you. Try to get to know your lover better without getting intimate. It is very likely that you will understand why his relationship with his wife is far from ideal. And the sooner this happens, the better.
Live your life, drive away thoughts about him. Walk more, meet friends, expand your horizons, make new acquaintances with men (this is important!). It sounds very simple and you won’t believe it! - just as easy to do. And don’t even think about putting off this advice until tomorrow. Text your best friend right now and invite her to go to the bar next Friday.
Do not impose yourself on your lover and try to be as far away from him as possible. If his company is difficult to avoid (for example, you work together), then at least minimize communication. And if it’s completely unbearable, then ask your boss to change your work schedule so that you meet less often. Believe it or not, the saying “out of sight, out of mind” works perfectly.
Loving a married man is usually a bitter experience. Do you need him? If you can’t pull yourself out of the swamp of obsessive feelings, ask for help. Whether it is a bosom friend (or friend), mother, sister, or even a qualified psychologist, there is nothing reprehensible in this. It's much worse if you allow your feelings to control you or eat you up from the inside.