10 Wrong Expectations That Are Ruining Relationships

Partners must understand each other perfectly

The idea that in a harmonious relationship one always knows what the other is thinking extends beyond romantic relationships.
For example, parents often believe that they see right through their children, and then are very surprised when it turns out that they did not know them at all. In love unions, the belief that partners should understand each other perfectly is very harmful to both participants. Firstly, it gives rise to resentment. Yes, you didn’t say anything to your partner, but he could have guessed what you meant. And if he or she can't read your mind, he or she might not love you that much.

Secondly, this stereotype prevents you from asking again when you don’t understand something. You must see right through your partner, and therefore it is better to guess what he meant than to show your failure in telepathy.

Of course, couples who have been dating for some time begin to understand each other better and sometimes even guess each other's thoughts. But it’s better not to neglect the gift that nature gave only to man - speech. In any controversial situation, explain or ask. This will help make life easier and eliminate many reasons for quarrels.

Your partner will fit into your family model

Our understanding of relationships is not formed on its own. This is influenced by the model of the parental family, environment, and popular culture. As a result, for example, a guy whose mother “carried out” the entire life on herself expects the same from his girlfriend. Or, on the contrary, he grew up in a family of partner parents and now hears with bewilderment how his beloved demands that he get a third job so that she can cook borscht at home.

It would seem that the idea that all people are different lies on the surface. But many ignore it when it comes to things familiar from childhood. Moreover, a familiar form of relationship may be uncomfortable for the person himself. However, instead of looking at what happens outside of it, he tries to fit both himself and his partner into this Procrustean bed of habit. Finally, the situation itself does not look very fair, in which only one person has to adapt.

Of course, you can always find a lover with similar cockroaches in his head, and then the relationship will be simple and understandable. But it is much better to focus not on the usual framework, but on your feelings with your partner, gradually building a model of interaction that both will like.

Sustained Intent

The last letter is the letter “l”
Answer to the question “Sustained intention”, 7 letters: thought

Alternative questions in crossword puzzles for the word thought

Thought, intention, design

Definition of the word thought in dictionaries

Explanatory dictionary of the Russian language. D.N. Ushakov The meaning of the word in the dictionary Explanatory Dictionary of the Russian Language. D.N. Ushakov and (church-book. outdated) THOUGHT, providence, m. (book). Thought intention. And for a long time your good thoughts slept in a shameful sleep. Nekrasov. Idle passion and painful egoism focus on unclean thoughts and triple vices. Herzen.

Explanatory dictionary of the Russian language. S.I.Ozhegov, N.Yu.Shvedova. The meaning of the word in the dictionary Explanatory Dictionary of the Russian Language. S.I.Ozhegov, N.Yu.Shvedova. -sla, m, (book). Thought, intention, design. Good intentions. There was nothing in my thoughts. (and didn’t think, didn’t assume). With all my thoughts to be somewhere, with someone. (with all my soul, constantly think, remember).

Examples of the use of the word thought in literature.

This means that the composition of me is an accident in which emptiness and space slowed down by one wingbeat before returning to completely different thoughts.

And assimilation cannot be natural and normal in that environment, which, more than anything else in the world, with all its thoughts, laws and instructions, does not want this assimilation and will not allow it.

We kindle passion, envy, lust in our thoughts, oxidize them in our souls, and all this comes out of our eyes, from our lips, from our hands, like from antennas that work, I don’t know, on long or short waves. But the owners of the booth freaks know, they have long learned to accept these signals and will not fail to snatch theirs here. Carnival is in no hurry, he knows that at any crossroads he will find those willing to feed him a pint of lustful passion or a quart of fierce hatred. This is what Carnival lives on: the poison of the sins we commit towards each other, with the ferments of our terrible thoughts!

I answered the Benedictine that the ruins in which he proposed to conduct the search were located outside the secular cemetery, and, being on the most friendly terms with the cemetery guard, I was confident that I could help the guest bring his pious thoughts into execution.

In front of me, if I’m being cynical, sits a complete unmercenary and idealist, who has devoted absolutely all his thoughts to the good of the state.

Source: Maxim Moshkov library

Source

The partner is obliged to provide sex upon request

This expectation even has a name - marital duty. And it is often used without any irony: if one of the couple wants sex, the other is supposedly obliged to provide intimacy. This topic has been discussed a lot lately, and it seems that many have realized that sex without consent is abuse, even if the participants are in a relationship.

However, the problem here is not only on the “customer” side. He may not know that his partner does not want sex, because the other party may have the same misconceptions in his head that prevent him from refusing.

Moreover, contrary to popular belief, this is not only a women's problem. The approved masculine image is the kind of male who thinks about sex 24/7 and simply cannot say no. Therefore, it is difficult to refuse a man, because otherwise he will cease to correspond to this image. Although in reality he may get tired, feel bad, and prefer more interesting things.

As a result, due to their own delusions, a person of any gender agrees to sex, heroically endures it, and then gets angry with his partner, although he has no idea what he did wrong. There is only one solution here - talk and see each other as people, and not objects to satisfy needs.

Partners spend all their time together

A famous joke says that the family replaces everything, so you need to decide what is more important: everything or the family. And in life, some people in serious relationships want their partners to spend all their time with them.

And it doesn’t look like this: “You’re into sword fighting and macrame weaving. I’ll try to get involved in this too, so that we can go to classes together.” Usually it happens the other way around: “I’m not interested in sword fighting or macramé, so you won’t do that anymore.” As a result, the partners sit on the sofa in front of the TV, and the only common activity they have is food. They lost their personal interests, but did not acquire common ones.

Relationships should become a part of life, not replace it. So nothing criminal will happen if you don’t spend all your free time together. Quality is more important than quantity here.

The partner will definitely change

Thanks to your efforts, after the wedding or after the birth of a child - in any case, this is one of the most dangerous misconceptions that forces you not only to get involved in an initially failed relationship, but also to develop it without receiving any return.

Usually in the position of a person who is trying to change a partner, but in the meantime suffers and tolerates his shortcomings, there is a lot of sacrifice. It is common to feel sorry for such a person. But let's look at it from the other side: it turns out that he fell in love with the image in his head and is now trying to fit another one into it. Moreover, he believes that he has every right to do so. Doesn't sound very nice, does it?

The idea that to love means to accept a person with all their flaws is utopian. If something about it irritates you, you will periodically experience negative emotions about it. But already at the start, it is better to understand whether you can continue the relationship if your partner never changes.

It's not even that people don't change - that's what happens. But a person does this when he wants, and not always in the direction in which you expected.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

The manifestations of dysfunctional relationships are usually clearly visible to outsiders. Let us dwell in more detail on the main features of such relationships.

Fear

You are constantly afraid. In relationships, we are all afraid that it will end. And that's okay. But if you're afraid of your partner's reaction to you being late, burning dinner, telling your girlfriends about your relationship, or anything else, that's downright toxic. You should never be afraid of your partner for any reason.

Of course, we all get nervous for one reason or another. But fear and nerves are not the same thing. You should feel secure in a healthy relationship. If you don't feel safe with your partner mentally, emotionally, or physically, then your relationship is toxic.

Guilt

One of the main signs of a toxic relationship. You constantly feel guilty, no matter if you did something wrong. This feeling does not leave you even when your partner is away.

To avoid possible criticism, yelling or scolding, you are afraid to do many things, even those that you consider necessary. When starting a conversation with your partner, you subconsciously expect rejection and criticism of your words and actions. It is this formed feeling of constant guilt that allows your partner to successfully manipulate any of your actions, and at the same time feel at the top of the situation.

At the same time, the obligation to constantly ask permission gives you a feeling of limitation and lack of freedom, as if you were in prison

Loss of trust

Toxic relationships lack sincerity. If there is a loss of trust between a man and a woman, in the future it becomes difficult to make decisions together, to act together, based on certain needs. Normally, people who decide to link their destinies try to help each other in many ways. When there is no trust, many things lose meaning. Gradually people become distant and do not know what connects them with each other.

Low self-esteem

The inability to value yourself, sooner or later, will definitely lead to the fact that along the path of life you will meet a person who will use you. Often this happens completely unconsciously, which is why many people don’t notice.

The problem becomes pronounced, especially long after people start living together. Low self-esteem contributes to the fact that a person withdraws into himself and is inferior to his partner in everything. There is a kind of substitution of reality. This is a situation where there is no understanding of one’s self. The individual does not realize that he may have separate desires and aspirations.

The need to obey in everything and always does not strengthen the marriage union. The feeling of insignificance does not happen by chance. Probably, in childhood, parents did not give the opportunity to open up and suppressed any expectations in every possible way.

Emptyness and lack of interest in life

Do you do everything possible to make your partner happy and satisfied, strive to receive approval and praise from him, but do not receive any positive feelings and emotions in return? This means that the moment is approaching when you will feel emptiness and hopelessness around you.

If a feeling of emptiness and lack of interest in life has become your constant companion, then this is a sign that it’s time to sound the alarm. After all, there is only one step left to sustainable depression, fraught with the decision to commit suicide.

This condition is very dangerous, and it is necessary to try to break out of this vicious circle. Even the painful way of breaking up a relationship.

The partner must stop communicating with the opposite sex

Sometimes partners are strongly required to stop any contact with people of the opposite sex. Sometimes demands reach the point of absurdity, for example, remove all women or men from friends on social networks or move to another job where the team is gender homogeneous. The logic here is: “You have already found your match, then why do you need to communicate with the opposite sex? And if you still want this, then you are looking for a replacement.”

Fortunately or unfortunately, unlike genders, of which there are several more, there are only two genders on Earth: male and female. And from childhood, a person builds relationships with representatives of both. It is quite strange to assume that he communicates with all people of the opposite sex solely out of intimate interest. There are, after all, family ties and job descriptions that make this necessary, and friendship has not been canceled.

If jealousy eats you up, then you need to fight it, and not with your partner’s environment.

FEELING AS A SUSTAINABLE EMOTIONAL ATTITUDE TO A SIGNIFICANT OBJECT (EMOTIONAL ATTITUDE)

According to a number of scientists, the strictly scientific use of the term “feeling” should be limited only to cases of a person expressing his positive or negative, i.e., evaluative attitude towards any objects. Many authors write about this. According to P. V. Simonov (1962), feeling is “a person’s established attitude towards the phenomena of reality” (p. 17); G. A. Fortunatov (1970) defines feelings as “a reflection in the human brain of his real relationships, that is, the attitude of the subject of needs to objects that are significant to him” (p. 336); According to A. N. Leontiev, a feeling is a stable emotional attitude. In the “Psychological Dictionary” (1983), feelings are defined as “stable emotional attitudes of a person to the phenomena of reality, reflecting the meaning of these phenomena in connection with his needs and motives.” A. V. Petrovsky (1986) writes that “feelings are a person’s internal relationships experienced in various forms to what is happening in his life, what he knows or does” (p. 366).

Attitude as a philosophical category has received a slightly different content in psychology. In addition to objective relationships that characterize the quantitative or qualitative manifestation of relationships between something or someone, the relationship of one with another, psychologists also identify subjective relationships, i.e., how a person relates to certain events, people, etc. If objective relations reflect the interaction of two objects (for example, business relations in a sports team - who should pass the ball to whom, etc.), then subjective relations express a person’s partiality towards someone or something, his preference for one thing over another, his biased assessment phenomenon, process, another person (B.F. Lomov).

The problem of subjective personality relations in Russian psychology was first posed by A.F. Lazursky and formulated in the form of a theory by V.N. Myasishchev in 1957. In Western psychology, close to the concept of “attitude” is

11.2. Feeling as a stable emotional attitude towards a significant object is defined by the concept of “attitude” (a person’s social attitude towards the perception of something or someone).

Subjective relationships, according to V.N. Myasishchev, have two sides: attractiveness-unattractiveness and meaning. Therefore, relationships connect a person not only with the external aspects of things, but also with their essence, meaning (necessary - not necessary, useful - harmful, reasonable - unreasonable, etc.).

Sides of subjective relations. Subjective relationships have three sides that make up their content or structure: evaluative, expressive (emotional) and incentive.

The evaluative side of relationships is associated with comparing oneself and others with certain patterns, standards of behavior, and determining the level of achievement. Depending on the assessment given (good-bad, pleasant-unpleasant, beautiful-ugly, honest-dishonest, etc.), a person develops a certain attitude towards the subject of the relationship (respectful or contemptuous - towards the person, responsible or irresponsible - towards his business , studies, etc.).

The expressive side of relationships is associated with a person’s experience of his relationship to the object of the relationship, with the emotions that arise in him regarding the assessment. For example, a person’s assessment of himself as incapable causes not only a negative attitude towards himself, but also a painful experience of this attitude.

The motivating side of relationships, expressed, for example, in drives and interests, manifests itself in the desire to take possession of an object one likes, to come into contact with an adored person, and to engage in an activity one likes.

These three aspects of relationships are not divorced from each other, although they can be expressed to varying degrees in different types of relationships. The question arises: are all types of subjective relations feelings (i.e., emotional relations) or do feelings constitute a special class of them? The answer would seem obvious: by definition, subjective attitudes are biased and include an emotional component, therefore, they are all feelings. However, the boss may treat the subordinate well as a specialist, value him, taking into account his importance for the efficiency of the production managed by the boss, but at the same time he may not experience any emotional feelings about this subordinate. He is personally indifferent to him. Consequently, subjective relationships are possible in which the emotional component is absent. Hence, only those attitudes towards someone or something in which a person’s indifference is manifested can be considered feelings.

True, a person’s biased (not indifferent) attitude also manifests itself in emotions. For example, a boss may be angry at a subordinate's accidental misbehavior, but this does not mean that he harbors hostile feelings towards him. Therefore, the presence of a sign of biased attitude is clearly not enough to separate feelings from emotions. There must be some other differentiating characteristics, and they, from my point of view, are:

- attitude towards an object, and not a situation, moreover, an object that is personally significant;

- stability of this relationship;

- behavior corresponding to the relationship (courtship of a lover, manifestation of cordiality (stroking, kissing), aggression in case of hatred, manifestation of respect and veneration in case of favor, manifestation of arrogance in case of charity, caring and protection in case of love, etc.).

It is also important to emphasize the fact that the object of a feeling does not determine its modality. You can be proud of yourself, your loved ones, your Motherland, or you can harbor hostility both towards an individual person, and towards the people as a whole, towards the entire environment.

Feeling as an emotional attitude. Unlike emotions associated with specific situations and manifested “here and now,” feelings highlight objects in the perceived and imagined reality that have stable motivational significance for a person. This means that unlike emotions, which reflect short-term experiences, feelings are long-term and can sometimes last a lifetime.

For example, you can get pleasure (satisfaction) from a completed task, i.e., experience a positive emotion, or you can be satisfied with your profession, have a positive attitude towards it, i.e., experience a feeling of satisfaction. A. N. Leontiev calls stable emotional relationships “emotional constants.”

It is also important that feelings as stable formations can be both in a manifest and in a potential, hidden state (Kovalev, 1970). Duration and secrecy are characteristics of psychological attitudes. Hence, a long-term and hidden positive or negative attitude towards someone or something is essentially an emotional attitude, a program of emotional response to a certain object when it is perceived and presented in certain life situations.

Feelings are not continuously expressed in emotions and may not currently manifest themselves in any specific experience. Therefore, the relationship between emotion and feeling is the same as the relationship between motives (manifested “here and now”) and motivational attitudes that persist for a long time and are updated many times when appropriate situations arise.

The formation of emotional attitudes occurs under the influence of personal and socio-historical experience. The first is acquired in the process of life independently, sometimes spontaneously, the second is passed on to the child by parents and educators. For example, a child is taught which objects and phenomena are dangerous or non-dangerous for him. The created attitude towards the dangerous and safe forms known relationships (negative or positive), taking into account that, if possible, a collision with these objects and situations, the child will be afraid or not afraid, and not afraid or not afraid. As a result, he will do everything to avoid getting into a truly dangerous situation, which can cause him to experience fear and apprehension.

The differences between feelings and emotions are presented in table. 11.1.

If we give a comparative assessment of the relationships between the three main components of the emotional sphere - the emotional tone of sensations, emotions and feelings, then we can say that the emotional tone of sensations is not yet an emotion, but

feeling is no longer an emotion.

Thus, unlike emotions, which are a short-term response to a situation, a feeling expresses a person’s long-term attitude towards a particular object.

Table 11.1 Comparative characteristics of emotions and feelings

Emotions	Feelings
Arose in the process of evolution	Arose in the process of evolution
earlier.	Later.
Inherent in animals and humans.	Mainly inherent in humans.
Attached to situations and events.	Attached to objects.
Situational and short-term.	Stable and long lasting.
Phenomena that have significant	There are phenomena that have a stable
reading “here and now”.	new motivational significance.
The same emotion is shown	The same feeling manifests itself
in different feelings.	in different emotions.

to feel through different emotions depending on the situation in which the object towards which feelings are experienced finds itself. In addition, the same emotion can “serve” different feelings. For example, you can rejoice at the success of a loved one and the failure of a person you hate.

The above, however, does not mean the exclusion of feelings from the emotional sphere. The emergence of a feeling means the establishment of a close emotional connection between the subject and the object. A person becomes, as it were, charged with an emotional response to this object. A feeling as a persistent subjective attitude towards something is an emotional attitude, which, being actualized by a meeting with the object of feeling or a memory of it, is accompanied by an emotional response of one force or another. This means that when a person remembers or talks about a loved one, he experiences some excitement, a “warm feeling” may revive (shifts in physiological functions appear that accompany the revival of certain positive emotions in memory) or appear, more often - in rudimentary form, the emotion of anger, annoyance, if a person is jealous. The specificity of a feeling as an emotional attitude is that it is a long-term emotiogenic factor that causes an emotional response at the moment when the object of this feeling appears in the field of consciousness. The appearance of a feeling “obliges” a person to react emotionally to this object, even at the level of the emotional tone of impressions (for example, it is pleasant or unpleasant to remember this person).

S. L. Rubinstein says essentially the same thing: “So, a feeling of love for another person is a feeling of joy from communicating with him, admiration for the image of humanity that is revealed during such communication with him, associated tenderness for him, care about him, as soon as something begins to threaten him, grief when he fails or is exposed to suffering, indignation when injustice is done to him, pride when in difficult conditions he rises to the occasion..." (1957, p. 262) , however, he is twice inaccurate, saying, firstly, that the feeling of love is a feeling of joy, grief, etc. (in fact, these are emotions), and secondly, even if he said that the feeling of love is an emotion of joy, grief, etc., then even this would not be accurate, since a feeling is not an emotion.

292 Chapter 11. General idea of feelings

>> Source:
E. P. Ilyin.
Emotions and feelings. 2001 January 24, 2020 General psychology, personality psychology, history of psychology

Your partner will never let you down

Trust is an important thing in a relationship. And it’s completely normal to hope that your partner always acts in the common interests and you can always count on him. But sometimes he will make mistakes. This does not happen because he is bad or does not love you. He's just not a robot, but an ordinary person. Sometimes he will put himself first, show weakness, experience stress, and hesitate in making decisions. And you too, by the way.

Errors vary in scale. Some of them suggest that you need to remember your partner's human nature and support him. Regarding others, you will have to make a decision: to forgive or not. But in any case, you shouldn’t demand that your chosen one be perfect.

Why women stay in toxic relationships

Toxic relationships sometimes last for many years, and there are thousands of reasons for this.

Fear of loneliness

You think that he is the best thing in your life and you can’t imagine yourself being lonely. . Fear of the unknown forces you to move past your discomfort in a relationship and pushes you to stay in it.

This is a common mistake in relationships because being single can be the best time of your life. This is the time when you can finally try to understand what you really are and what you really want in life? And the main thing is to enjoy freedom, because toxic relationships are always mental bondage. And no relationship is worth staying with someone who causes pain or trauma.

Unwillingness to face the truth

When we are in a toxic relationship, we convince ourselves that it is temporary. We convince ourselves that everything will be fine again. And we even convince ourselves that it is our fault, which means that if we leave, we will fail. There is so much manipulation and negative energy that builds up in toxic relationships simply because we fail to admit it to ourselves.

It is very difficult to face the truth and diagnose an existing relationship. And it’s even more difficult to make the right decision and break off such a relationship. Escape, preserving yourself, your psyche and attitude towards life.

Lack of willpower

Being in a toxic relationship destroys the emotional and volitional qualities of a woman as a more emotionally malleable partner. Constant stress, guilt, and fear suppress the will. And the woman simply begins to “go with the flow” without noticing that she is being increasingly drawn into the funnel of hopelessness and depression.

Love

This is often the main bandage covering a woman's eyes. Sometimes love is so blind that it is very difficult for a woman to admit that she is in a toxic relationship with her husband or partner.

The woman is sure that a man can change, and everything that happens to her is temporary. And since they love each other, sooner or later his behavior will improve. Thus, an “idealized” vision of a partner is created that does not correspond to reality.

Relationships will solve all problems

In movies, love is a magic pill for everything. You get to know your significant other and not only improve your personal life: work issues are resolved, all illnesses go away, and the sun shines for at least 12 hours a day. Therefore, when people are not going well in their lives, they sometimes desperately seek love instead of dealing with the problems they already have.

Relationships can greatly improve your life, but you shouldn't expect anything extraordinary from them. Responsibility for other areas of existence is still yours.

The relationship will never end

Let's take a marriage contract. People often do not sign it for superstitious reasons: “If we talk about divorce now, we will soon separate.” Often, for similar reasons, a will is not written. However, no one has ever managed to live forever, and without the appropriate document there are only more problems.

It's nice to think that you will never be apart. If you're lucky, it will be so, and no prenuptial agreement will change that. But to completely deny the possibility that you may one day separate is naive and even dangerous, primarily from an economic point of view. A broken heart hurts, but an empty stomach won't ease the pain.

Therefore, it is good to agree on some issues before your relationship begins to deteriorate and you hate each other. For example, how will you divide the property and who will the cat stay with? If these agreements are never useful, so be it. But if you split up, at least you will have a plan of action for the near future.

Toxic relationships between partners

You can often hear people say that a person is “toxic.” This relatively new term describes a person whose relationship inevitably brings negative emotions into your life. If you constantly feel empty or unhappy after spending time with your partner, then this means you are involved in a toxic relationship. It would be more correct to talk about the toxicity of relationships in a couple, since the person himself in relationships with other people may well be in completely or relatively healthy relationships.

Why do relationships become toxic?

In a normal, healthy relationship, even when inevitable problems arise, you usually make decisions together, openly discuss any problems that arise, and genuinely enjoy each other's company.

Why can relationships become painful? One of the reasons is the presence of an “underwater mine” in the psyche of a person whose relationship has become a burden. Such a person probably once (in childhood, adolescence or as an adult) suffered a psychological trauma that his psyche was unable to process. Such a traumatized person subconsciously looks for a “therapist”, “vest” or “victim” who could help him cope with the burden of trauma. Most often, such a person has difficulty taking responsibility for his life, his feelings and needs, and has not been able to learn to effectively solve problems that arise in life - in all cases, he requires external support, participation and stimulation. At the same time, a person creates a real “drama” in his life, involving in it those participants who, due to love or sympathy for him, an uncritical attitude, soft personal boundaries and codependency, are not able to stop playing in a life play according to someone else’s script.

Often a manipulative and controlling person has elevated scores on the 4th MMPI scale (SMPI) - a scale of psychopathic deviations or impulsivity.

How else does a person prone to forming toxic relationships manifest themselves:

Trying to manipulate or control others
Depicts a sufferer and a victim of circumstances (the machinations of enemies),
Uses others to satisfy his needs
Extremely critical of yourself and others
Jealous and envious of the success of others,
Mourns his unfortunate fate,
Abuses alcohol and drugs (psychoactive substances),
Often suffers from injuries, incidents and other “adventures”,
Does not want to seek help from psychologists and doctors.

In the worst case, with severe psychological trauma, the personality of the person creating the toxic relationship has undergone a process of dissociation (separation into parts or subpersonalities). This mechanism is a pathological type of psychological defense against severe and unprocessed psychotrauma. Such a person can present to people in different situations completely different aspects of his personality, or rather, subpersonalities or stable roles (behavior models).

In interactions at work or study, such a person represents a fully mature adult, and when he comes home, he turns into a capricious child, an unrecognized genius, or a domestic tyrant. All this is an attempt to compensate for the consequences of the trauma, or to try to process it over and over again, transferring the suffering he experienced onto you. This mechanism is especially evident in the case of domestic physical, emotional or psychological violence, sadism, sexual perversion, drug, alcohol and other types of addictions: most often people repeat what someone did to them, as if trying to reduce the burden of psychological trauma hanging on them . Naturally, this is an extremely unhealthy way to solve their problems at your expense. Such a person requires professional psychological and sometimes psychiatric help.

Of course, toxic relationships can occur not only between a man and a woman, but also between friends, or between parents and their adult children. Control in these relationships is most often exercised by inducing guilt in the “victim.” The guilt inducer controls you by making you feel guilty whenever you do something he or she doesn't like. For example, your father calls to tell you how disappointed your mother is that you could not visit her on Sunday, or, for example, not going to church service.

What is your role in a toxic relationship?

Both individuals play a role in toxic interactions. Therefore, it is important to consider your personal role. The hallmark of dysfunctional interactions between people is that both people have created a conscious or unconscious history of judgment, fear, or blame about the other person. Both parties violated personal boundaries, or failed to establish them, or one of them grossly violates the boundaries of the other.

You are not an innocent victim at all - relationships are not formed without the participation of the other person! You are an equal co-author, architect and builder of the relationships you have now. Ask yourself simple questions:

Do you understand the need to set personal boundaries?
Do you respect your own and others' personal boundaries?
Do you lash out at your partner because you feel misunderstood or not listened to at all?
Are you slamming the door because that's how you're used to reacting to criticism?

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

Depending on the nature of the relationship, signs of toxicity may be subtle or completely obvious. If you're in a difficult relationship, you may recognize some of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself:

You are emotionally involved in your partner's life drama,
Are you afraid or avoid being around him?
You feel tired, exhausted, empty, or angry after interacting with a person
You feel betrayed or used
You seem to have distanced yourself from ordinary life, your emotions have become dull and flat,
You feel bad or ashamed of yourself because of your relationship with your partner,
You are stuck in a cycle of trying to save, help, fix, or take care of the person,
The other person doesn't respect your boundaries and doesn't understand the word "no"
You are overly flexible
You ignore your own values and desires,
You feel controlled or overly controlling.

Characteristics of a Toxic Relationship

Lack of support

Your time together is no longer positive and resourceful. Instead of restoring and gaining strength, you waste it. Instead of mutual support, you are drawn into competition: which of you is better, more correct, more decent, etc. Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to help your partner succeed.

Emotional negativity

Instead of treating each other with kindness and warmth, you fill your conversations with sarcasm, criticism, and hidden or overt hostility. You may even start avoiding talking to each other.

Behavioral control

Constantly asking questions about who is where and what they are doing are signs of controlling behavior that can add toxicity to a relationship.

Dishonesty

You find yourself constantly lying about your whereabouts or who you're dating when you're not spending time with your partner.

Resentment

You constantly remember past grievances and cling to them. Gradually, disappointment or resentment builds up and leads to increased negativity and toxicity.

Passive aggression in the form of disrespect

Chronic tardiness, forgetting about meetings, events and dates are a manifestation of hidden aggression towards a partner.

Deviant financial behavior

Your partner, without consulting you, buys expensive things or spends significant amounts, “forgetting” to tell about it.

Constant stress

Constant tension, anxiety and restlessness, “strained nerves,” panic attacks, chronic headaches, poor sleep, sleeping pills, antidepressants or vodka are an indicator that something is going wrong. Constant stress can also take a toll on your physical health.

Ignoring your needs

Constant sacrifice of your interests and needs to please your partner. Agreeing with what your partner wants to do, even if it goes against your wishes or comfort level.

Lost relationships

You stopped spending time with friends and family to avoid conflict with your partner. All your free time has become associated exclusively with your partner. You begin to give up hobbies you once loved, neglect your health, and sacrifice your free time.

Walking on fragile ice

You have begun to avoid conflicts with your partner and keep all problems to yourself so as not to aggravate tensions or provoke conflicts.

What to do with toxic relationships?

Many people assume that toxic relationships are doomed to fail, but this is not always the case. The decisive factor in maintaining a relationship is the mutual desire of the partners to change. If only one of the partners invests in creating healthy relationship models, and the other ignores the required changes and work on himself, it is unlikely that positive changes in the relationship will be able to occur. Often one of the toxic partners is a covert or overt narcissist.

Signs of a possible positive prognosis for maintaining a relationship

Both partners openly discuss existing problems in the relationship and are ready to voluntarily and actively invest their time and energy in improving them.
Accepting responsibility for their mistakes: Both partners recognize the destructiveness of the previous manner of mutual behavior that was damaging to the relationship.
Moving from Blame to Understanding: Both partners are able to move conversations away from blame and criticism to understanding the issues and learning about healthy relationships.
Openness to outside help: Sometimes partners may need help to get the relationship back on track, either through individual counseling or couples counseling.

If the person's toxic behavior does not change, or the relationship has become too difficult to maintain, make the decision to end the relationship and release the person with love and compassion, and then move on with your life. Ending a relationship can be painful, especially if you have a long history with the person. But the thing to remember is that you will ultimately create space for healthier, more resourceful relationships in your life.

This is my first experience in a toxic relationship!

If you are encountering a toxic partner for the first time in your life, you must understand that he will never change his behavior patterns on his own, but will only continue to increase control over you as he learns about your weak points. There is only one approach in which you can seriously try to improve a toxic relationship: your psychological readiness to leave it.

If you want to continue your relationship with him, set your personal boundaries by calmly and firmly communicating to the person your requests for a healthy relationship, detailing how you feel, why, and what you want to change in the relationship.
If your partner refuses to change, consider breaking off the relationship temporarily for one month. You should then talk to him again, repeat your requests and let him know that you will not stay in the relationship if he continues his toxic manner of communication.
If he refuses to change again, then you need to end the relationship because his nature will never change.
If your partner promises to change but fails, repeat the cycle again. In the event of a repeated breakdown, you need to get out of such a relationship - there are no prospects for a favorable outcome.

What can you do to restore a healthy relationship?

Fixing a toxic relationship will take time, patience, and dedication. The most difficult relationships often arise as a result of long-standing problems in the current relationship or as a result of unresolved problems in a previous relationship.

Tell your partner about existing relationship problems when you feel able to do so. For example, you can use the following cheat sheet, which will allow you to convey your feelings and needs without emotion, criticism or blame:
“When you do/say _1.2.3________, I feel 1.2.3_____. What I need is _1.2.3______. I share my feelings and needs with you because I love you and want to build a healthy, mutual relationship with you.”
Acknowledge your personal responsibility for the destruction of the relationship and the mistakes you made.
Set and maintain personal boundaries.
The more specific and simpler you convey information to your partner, the better your boundaries will be respected: “Darling, I love you, but I just feel sick when you drink.”
Focus on taking care of yourself.
Learn to use the words I and No.
Instead of saying, “You should always...” or “You must...”, use phrases like, “I would appreciate it if you...” or “I would like it if you...”
Think about how you got into an unhealthy relationship cycle with a person.
Don't dwell on the past.
Resist the temptation to constantly return to negative scenarios.
Look at your partner from the outside - the way a disinterested person would look at him.
Avoid sarcasm, criticism, accusations, ignoring - this only destroys relationships.
When communicating your requests to your partner, use the sandwich technique: compliment-request-compliment: “Darling, I like having sex with you, you’re just a god in bed! I'm usually in the mood in the morning before work, and at night I just want to sleep. Can we have sex in the morning, which will give us more pleasure?
Practice healthy communication. Be gentle with each other (as if you had just met).
Seek help from a psychologist, go to joint therapy.
Give time to change your relationship, partner and your condition. Don't expect quick progress, but believe in success and do everything to achieve it.

If it may be difficult for you to cope with existing problems on your own, you can always seek professional psychological help.

Andrey Demkin