Second mother? Relationships with mother-in-law. Mother in law and daughter in law

Relationships with mother-in-law - I don’t think any of the women were spared this topic. Although there are such lucky women who either had no problems at all, or whose mother-in-law is on the other side of the globe. However, what should others do who have not won such a super prize? That's right, you have to try to find a common language with your husband's relatives, in particular with his mother. I want to say that not everyone manages to establish a relationship with their mother-in-law, and it is very rare to win her over from the moment they meet, even before the wedding.

According to statistics, the majority of quarrels, about 90%, occur between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The main reason for quarrels is competition.

How does conflict begin?

Of course, not a single young daughter-in-law, entering her new family, is going to conflict with her husband’s mother. But it often happens that claims and mutual misunderstanding arise out of the blue and almost in the first days of living together. Both sides are to blame for the escalating conflict.

When mothers-in-law come to see a psychotherapist and the specialist asks them if she is ready to let her son go into an independent family life, they answer in the affirmative. But as practice shows, on a subconscious level this is not the case. The reason for this can be empty nest syndrome, jealousy of the young daughter-in-law, and fear of loneliness.

In fact, the essence of the conflict is ridiculously simple - two women cannot share one man. Therefore, the slightest reason is enough for a full-scale showdown to begin. This is especially true for situations where the newly-made spouse is the only child in the family and the meaning of life for his aging mother, fear of loneliness, which gives rise to unreasonable aggression towards the young daughter-in-law. On a subconscious level, she is trying to get her son back, which has a destructive effect on both of them. The mother lives with the illusion that she is still the main thing in his life, and the young man, due to excessive guardianship and care, becomes infantile and indecisive. This situation needs immediate correction. A specialist will help you put everything in its place.

As a rule, mothers who overprotect their sons do not like their daughters-in-law. And this is not surprising, because it is impossible to please them, since they see them as dangerous rivals who can move them from the place of the main woman in the life of their now husband. As a result, the mother shows excessive jealousy, constantly interfering in the life of the young family, and the daughter-in-law tries in every way to become the main one, relegating the mother-in-law to the background.

Some men are able to adequately assess the situation in their family and do everything possible to reconcile their mother and wife with each other. They understand how difficult it is for his beloved women, and they try in every possible way to please both one and the other. The peculiarities of upbringing create an unshakable axiom in the subconscious of some men: “The mother is always right, because she is the mother,” which significantly spoils the relationship between him and his young wife. Receiving the tacit approval of her son, the mother-in-law can cross all available boundaries and standards of decency. She can, on her own initiative, rearrange things in the matrimonial closet, spend the entire family budget on a major purchase, or throw out the dinner prepared by her daughter-in-law. The young wife's reaction to this will be appropriate.

Causes of conflict between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.

It’s rare that a mother-in-law approves of her son’s decision in choosing a life partner. And the reason for this is female jealousy, which occurs on an unconscious level. A woman who raised her son and considers him her support simply cannot come to terms with the fact that she is no longer the main one in his life. Now he devotes much less time to her, rarely calls, and comes even less often. Now she doesn’t need to cook him lunch, iron his shirts or give him practical advice. From now on, another woman will do all this. It’s hard to believe, but a mother-in-law set up in this way will subconsciously do everything to destroy her son’s marriage. And then, having achieved her goal, she will offer her boy options for girls suitable in her opinion, who are the daughters of friends, neighbors or work colleagues. They, it seems to her, will obey her in everything and not claim the main role in her son’s life. Although there is no guarantee that everything will be like this.

The young daughter-in-law sees this situation in her own way. Surprisingly, the state of “second role” and the need to give up the main role to someone comes from childhood. After all, we often receive something that we do not accept. And if in childhood we are accustomed to the fact that someone controls us and forces us to obey, then sooner or later we will return to this in adulthood. For some, this situation will arise with an authoritarian husband, for others with a mother-in-law. And there are actually two reasons for this:

You yourself subconsciously chose as your life partner a man for whom you will never come first;
This situation is not only acceptable and understandable to you, but also quite beneficial for you.

The fact is that you cannot share one man with an older woman who is not the object of his passion, so this situation can be survived. Many young wives agree that their husband rushes between her and his mother, thereby getting himself a mistress who will also be young, beautiful and sexy. After all, if it is still possible to somehow come to an agreement with the mother-in-law, the husband’s new passion can take him away from the family forever.

The conflict between mother and wife forces a man to rush between two fires. And while there is discord in the family, the last thing he wants is to look for love pleasures on the side, which suits his wife quite well. It turns out that she continues to “add fuel to the fire” by supporting a sluggish war with her mother-in-law only in order to protect herself from possible betrayals. And without noticing it, she forces her husband’s mother to actively participate in the life of the young family.

The son does not want to communicate with his mother

As soon as the son had a girlfriend, he immediately began to move away from his mother, since his friend was turning Seryozha against her. Tatyana, respecting her son’s choice, never told him anything bad about her future daughter-in-law. After the wedding, she wanted to improve relations with her young family, but it was no use. Even the son began to dislike his mother.

After the birth of her grandchildren, her son and daughter-in-law moved in with her parents. At the same time, their marriage began to crack at the seams. However, Sergei, since he loves children very much, is not going to get a divorce yet. And therefore he suffers attacks from his wife, and takes it out on his mother, refusing to communicate with her. The psychologist advised Tatyana how she could contact her son.

What is the risk of conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

The most severe family conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law flare up in those families who live together. Everyone suffers:

The mother-in-law, who thinks that her daughter-in-law is doing everything wrong, and her dear son devotes too much time to her, forgetting about his aging mother;
A daughter-in-law who wants to spend more time alone with her husband and be a full-fledged mistress of the house;
A son and husband who is forced to live between two fires, supporting first one side or the other of the conflict.

Everyone can be understood. For any mother, the marriage of her only son is a huge trauma. It seems to her that her daughter-in-law is bad and does not fit into their family at all. A young wife wants her husband to support her in everything, taking her side in their conflict with his mother. And the man ends up in an ambiguous situation. He cannot betray his mother by openly defending his wife and vice versa. A wise woman will not involve her man in such a conflict.

The scale of domestic wars between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law depends on their temperament and general psychological state. The dispute usually begins with everyday trifles and sometimes goes very far. Only one side can stop the war. And this will be done by the woman who will be the first to understand that the man she loves is next to her, he surrounds her with love and care, so further hostilities are pointless.

But the painful jealousy of the mother-in-law and the wounded pride of the daughter-in-law are not always the cause of the conflict that arises between them. The cause of the war may be the young wife’s rejection of the traditions established in her husband’s family, her unstable emotional state, which may be aggravated by pregnancy, and psychological immaturity, which prevents her from becoming a full-fledged mistress of the home.

It is not uncommon for the mother-in-law to be the instigator of the conflict. This is especially typical for those women who have completely decided to devote themselves to their son’s family. She voluntarily takes on the role of victim and expects gratitude from the young spouses for this. It is sometimes impossible to explain to her that they don’t need this, since she has already decided everything for herself. Resolving such a conflict is very difficult, one might even say impossible. It will inevitably lead to a breakdown in relations either between spouses or between the family and the husband’s mother.

And finally, the most banal situation - the daughter-in-law, for a number of reasons, simply does not like her mother-in-law. Only time or the appearance of grandchildren can help here. But sooner or later, the young woman will still be accepted into the family, although she will have to spend a lot of nerves fighting with her husband’s mother.

You and her

In our everyday life, the topic of conflicts between son-in-law and mother-in-law, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is heard constantly. How many anecdotes, sayings, and sayings exist about this! Often behind the question “Are you married?” The question follows: “What about your mother-in-law?” There is a stereotype that this area of relationships is potentially (and more often, actually) conflicting. So why is this happening?

The first (and main) condition is the psychological mechanisms that guide the mother-in-law’s behavior. The second is the tension that the daughter-in-law experiences in advance, not expecting anything good from her husband’s mother (she heard from her friends how this happens).

What directs the mother-in-law’s behavior into the sphere of confrontation with her daughter-in-law?

Fear that her son’s love for her will become less, that now she will become unnecessary and will be “forgotten.” Before your marriage, she was the only main woman in her son’s life, but after the wedding, she understands that the “main” female place can be taken.
The position of defeated power. One way or another, the mother greatly influenced her son’s behavior (or believed that she did). Now, when her son comes into the “possession” of her daughter-in-law, this is perceived very painfully.
Increased emotionality. A woman lives more with her heart and emotions, so it is difficult for her mother-in-law to accept that part of her “most precious thing” was “taken away” from her.
For a woman, due to her biological, historical, social role, the family always represents the greatest meaning and significance. Therefore, any changes or “losses” in the family are extremely sensitive for a woman.

All these moments are consciously or unconsciously present in any mother-in-law. But we all know examples where the relationship with the daughter-in-law is, if not ideal, then quite good. Favorable relationships are more likely where the mother-in-law takes her son’s separation (even psychological, not territorial) for granted, where it is possible for a young family to live separately, and they also depend on the character of the mother-in-law herself (emotional stability, tactfulness, optimism and other qualities ).

But don’t forget about another important person - your daughter-in-law. The second condition for an unfulfilling relationship is precisely her position. Young women are frightened in advance by stories about “terrible” mothers-in-law, and therefore simply expect something similar in their family, even if the mother-in-law does not do anything “terrible”, the daughter-in-law is suspicious of any of her actions. Any neutral phrase can be perceived as an insult, an innocent question as a hint. And now the daughter-in-law meticulously examines the views and actions of her mother-in-law, finding “compromising evidence” in them. And the husband’s mother, initially inclined to have an even, if not trusting, attitude towards her daughter-in-law, begins to defend herself. And the best defense is attack. And so again the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law come to the situation of “found a scythe on a stone.”

When a child appears in a young family, this becomes a new “bone of contention” for the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Even in those families where there is an even relationship, tension can arise with the birth of a child. Young mothers complain about numerous unnecessary advice on caring for the baby that their mother-in-law gives, about the fact that she wants to devote too little (too much) time to the child, about the fact that she cannot influence her son in the “right” direction, about gifts that the mother-in-law gives to the baby. Jealousy, reluctance to place the child in the arms of the mother-in-law, and preference for one’s own mother as the “main” grandmother often manifest themselves. If the relationship was already not very good, then the daughter-in-law may have a desire to completely exclude the mother-in-law from the baby’s life. Of course, this situation is bad for the young woman, and for her husband, and for his mother, and for the child himself. Therefore, it is necessary to improve relations with your mother-in-law. This is the very situation when a bad peace is better than a good quarrel.

So what should you do to reduce tension and improve relationships?

Situation one: “Mother-in-law and her advice.”

Masha gave birth to Sonechka six months ago. Masha remembers the first month of her daughter’s life with a shudder. My mother-in-law was sent from another city to help the young mother. Agreeing to this, Masha did not imagine the extent of the disaster: their communication with her mother-in-law had previously been rare and completely civilized. Masha hoped that Faina Anatolyevna would be able to sometimes walk with her granddaughter, help prepare food for the whole family, and sometimes clean up the place. Indeed, my mother-in-law helped with all this. But this was accompanied by an avalanche of “well-meaning” advice. “Why, baby, don’t you separate the sheets from the pillowcases and put them in one pile?” “Why are you putting the baby in a onesie? She’s bothering herself with her hands, it’s better to swaddle her!” “When will you start giving apple juice?” “Feed for up to six months, and then switch to formula, the milk is no longer healthy.” From morning to evening, Masha listened to endless advice. Perhaps she was still a novice mother, but she consulted with doctors, read books and magazines, and asked for advice from “experienced” mothers. She had developed her own concept, and many of her mother-in-law’s advice seemed outdated. And Masha sighed with relief, left without her “help”...

Indeed, many young women complain that their mothers-in-law give a lot of advice. And the number of these tips increases like an avalanche with the advent of a baby. Grandmothers (both mother-in-law and, indeed, their own mother) believe that the new mother “knows nothing” and she simply needs their rich experience. And there is no irony in the word “rich”: they have indeed already gone through this path of motherhood (and some more than once), and from their height they see many things a little differently.

Daughters-in-law tend to consider many tips outdated, because the mother-in-law herself was a young mother 20-30 years ago, and during this time the principles of child care and parenting strategies have changed. Feeding “by the hour”, limiting frequent carrying, early complementary feeding are almost a thing of the past, but in the minds of older women these principles are alive. As a rule, grandmothers rarely pick up magazines for young parents, as well as popular pediatric and psychological literature on child development. Daughters-in-law, on the contrary, are actively interested in these issues, which creates an obvious dissonance between the opinions of grandmothers and young mothers.

Is it possible to protect yourself from intrusive advice? There are several basic strategies for this.

Active resistance - “don’t tell me what I need to do, and I won’t answer you rudely.” Of course, active resistance, which often borders on rudeness, is not the most winning strategy. Perhaps your mother-in-law will stop giving you advice, but the relationship will be damaged. Without the opportunity to speak openly, the mother-in-law may begin to express complaints against you to your husband, and this is a difficult situation for both the “transmitter” and the “addressee”.
Ignoring - “it went into one ear...”. This, in fact, is the devaluation of the mother-in-law’s advice either immediately after they are received or over time. It’s good if the daughter-in-law manages to “save face” by nodding and saying “thank you” for the advice, internally understanding that she will not carry it out. This strategy is slightly better than the previous one, but it also has disadvantages. It is difficult to use if you live with your mother-in-law. Failure to use “valuable recommendations” will immediately become obvious and can give rise to misunderstanding (“Didn’t you say “thank you” for the advice?!”). Also, complete ignorance will not allow you to isolate from the entire mass of advice the “golden grain” that they certainly contain.
Diplomatic relations. Using this strategy, you learn to listen to what your mother-in-law is actually saying, and also enter into dialogue. Undoubtedly, not all mothers-in-law are ready for this, especially those who have authoritarian traits. But it's still worth trying. At least you will be sure that you did everything you could on your part. Your task is not only to listen, but also to hear what she says. If some advice seems completely outdated and unacceptable to you, don’t say it. It is better to firmly say that your pediatrician or psychologist has given different recommendations, and you are going to adhere to them. You can also tell what these recommendations are so that your mother-in-law can feel that you consider her an equal partner since you are bringing her up to date. And this is a cooperation strategy.

It is not possible that all advice without exception is inappropriate or outdated. Many of them are quite suitable for today. There are many quite wise grandmothers who, without studying modern approaches, do everything correctly intuitively. And even in the mass of outdated advice, you can always find a rational grain. It’s good if you can consider this, putting aside the prejudices about “mother-in-law’s advice.”

Situation two: “Mother-in-law and her principles of education.”

Lada adhered to strict principles regarding the nutrition of her daughter, 4-year-old Katyusha. The girl was supposed to eat only in the kitchen, and not in the rooms near the TV and toys. Lada did not allow any songs, dances, or persuasion: if Katyusha wanted to eat, then she ate everything anyway, and if she didn’t want to, she could leave the table. Healthy snacks were allowed. But also - only at the dinner table. In the summer, the kindergarten was not open, and therefore Lada’s mother-in-law offered to look after the girl. Lada agreed, warning that there are certain rules regarding nutrition that should be followed. The mother-in-law agreed. But one day Lada had to return home for the forgotten keys, and imagine her surprise when she found her daughter in a chair in front of the TV with cartoons on and her grandmother spoon-feeding her! Lada’s indignation knew no bounds, although she restrained herself and did not express it right away, protecting her grandmother’s authority.

This situation leads in conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. The grandmother does not listen to how the mother raises the baby, what principles she follows in nutrition, daily routine, and even in the games that need to be played with the child! Some of the daughters-in-law's demands are quite legal, because... often associated with following doctor's orders, for example, in the case of certain diseases. How not to get angry if a grandmother gives a child suffering from allergies a strictly prohibited lollipop, which will make him itch for several days? Or again, once again, ignoring requests, she fed fatty pancakes to a child with chronic pancreatitis?

Show special persistence only in matters of principle.

However, principles of communication with a child that are alien to a young mother also become a “bone of discord” and are equated to “psychological trauma.” The mother is used to telling the truth and expects the same from the child, and the grandmother “takes the blame,” saying with a laugh and a wink that she painted the wallpaper. Or the mother prefers not to “babble” with the baby, even if he falls, and the grandmother will “sorry” for any scratch. My mother would like my grandmother to play some educational games, and my mother-in-law loves games like “the horned goat is coming.” The conflict is gaining momentum.

This is how the heroine of our story, Lada, described her feelings: “I am a mother, and if she sometimes agrees to sit with my child, she must behave with him the way I discuss it with her. If she’s not ready, then don’t. A child should not have two upbringings, he should not have something that is not allowed with his mother, but something that is allowed with his grandmother and vice versa. I talk through all the questions, and if I take her by surprise for violating things that are fundamental to me, I have only one desire - to never leave her with the child again.” Almost all daughters-in-law experience similar feelings. Is there a way out?

Make sure you really discuss with her certain principles in parenting and care. Sometimes you can hear: “But my husband told her that we visited an allergist and Petya was forbidden to eat eggs. So why did she give him kurabye?” The mother-in-law simply might not have realized that the product contained something forbidden. She might even have forgotten this information or really not given it much importance. You didn't talk to her about it in person, that's what's important. And when it comes to the fact that the grandmother is obliged to follow a certain strategy of a certain developmental system, then it is completely difficult to find understanding. First of all, she doesn't know the system the way you do. Secondly, during her life she heard about a lot of different systems, many of which did not take root and were considered not at all useful. Thirdly, she has her own views on all this. And it is imperative to discuss everything, removing the commanding and directive tone. Talk to your mother-in-law as you would talk to an interested friend, listen to objections.
Show special persistence only in matters of principle, especially if the actions of the mother-in-law pose a real threat to the physical or psychological health of the child. Psychological harm can be caused if the mother-in-law is harsh with the baby, can “reward” him with an offensive epithet, communicates with him dismissively, often raises her voice, and experiences severe irritation when communicating with him. There should be very few such fundamental points, then, most likely, you will be able to agree. Otherwise, you’ll end up in a situation where you’re the one throwing down a barrage of advice. Think about how you yourself would feel about this.
Remember that she is a grandmother, a very important person in the baby’s life
. Many mothers say: I am the main thing in the child’s life, and therefore everyone should do as I see fit.” In other cases, the “offenders” are punished by restricting communication with the child. This manipulative position, like any manipulation, brings discord into relationships. Yes, mom is definitely a key figure. It is through communication with the mother that the child’s emotional sphere develops. But dad and grandparents are also very important people. And therefore, try not to concentrate on the little things, even if you don’t like something too much. The main indicator is whether the child enjoys communication, whether he looks forward to it, and whether he makes contact with joy. And if so, then encourage this communication.

Situation three: “Mother-in-law and her visits.”

Lyudmila, Sergei and 5-year-old Kira live in their own apartment. Of course, this makes life much easier, but visits from her mother-in-law become a test for Lyuda. “I would like my mother-in-law to behave the same way as at the very beginning of our acquaintance,” says Luda. “Then I was like a stranger to her, in the sense of an outsider. She could come to visit such a person ONLY when she was invited (and not declare that she would come), she could give advice ONLY if she was asked (and not whenever she wanted), she could not criticize at all, only praise or be neutral. In my house, she behaved as if she were a guest, and not like she was at home - that is, she never took charge, did not rearrange things the way she liked, did not bring her things there and did not store them there, did not tell me how to wash the floor, and like dishes, she did not express dissatisfaction with the “mess” in children’s toys.”

Try to arrange for your mother-in-law to notify you or your husband about visits in advance.

Often daughters-in-law are dissatisfied with their mother-in-law's visits to their home. One of the important points is the time when the mother-in-law arrives, or in other words, the “surprise effect” of her arrival. It is clear that the house is not always in perfect order; dishes are sometimes waiting in the sink, and dust is on the shelves. Often both spouses work, leaving very little time for housework. As they say, you are so tired “that you barely have enough strength to watch TV.” A bored child, returning from kindergarten, also requires communication with his parents. Spouses living separately from their parents perceive their visit as a visit from guests (especially the daughter-in-law), and it is customary to prepare for a guest’s visit. The daughter-in-law assumes that the “second mother’s” view is critical, and not at all benevolently justifying. And he really is like that, because... daughters-in-law often receive a portion of moralizing or pursed lips. Some mothers-in-law immediately rush for a rag and start cleaning as if they are disgusted to stand on this floor until they wipe it with their own hands. Of course, this is humiliating for the daughter-in-law, so can it be considered strange that she does not like unexpected visits? Let's think about how to solve this problem.

Recognize her right to visit you. Most likely, she still comes to visit not to count specks of dust, but to communicate with her son and grandchildren. And she must have this opportunity.
Use humor to help. He will help you gently hint that your mother-in-law's visit is unexpected for you. If she has a sense of humor, then you can joke, for example, about the unexpected landing of mothers-in-law in your neighborhood. If you don’t have it, joke to yourself, this also helps maintain a good mood.
Try to arrange for her to notify you or your husband of visits in advance. You don’t have to demand this directly, but talk about what a wonderful pie recipe you were given at work, and you would like to prepare it for your mother-in-law, but you need to know when she comes. In general, subtle diplomacy, which suggests the need to warn about the visit, is very useful here.
If the visit was unexpected and not very pleasant, do not concentrate on the negative. Don't make excuses by explaining why something is wrong with you. Everyone has the right to live and organize their life as they see fit. Gently stop any attempts to clean up or rearrange things by taking your mother-in-law out to drink tea.

Situation four: “mother-in-law and her gifts”

What kind of gifts do some mothers-in-law give! Daughters-in-law, some with laughter and some with indignation, talk about...

...a Chinese train that crumbles in your hands and was given to a six-month-old baby;

...a started bottle of shampoo;

...a set of floor rags in a gift box;

...a cream for aging skin, given to my 23-year-old daughter-in-law;

...an absurdly huge Mickey Mouse that took up the entire sofa and scared a 3-year-old child;

...a set of chocolate eggs for a child with allergies.

The list goes on and on, and if young women are ready to give up on an unsuccessful gift for themselves (or the absence of one at all), then the attitude towards gifts for a child is completely different. It’s a shame when you can’t give a gift to a child, especially when he already understands that this is a gift and it was brought to him. We can talk about products that cause allergies, which are often “on duty” gifts: chocolates, chemical-colored candies, nuts.

But there is another aspect to this problem. It occurs when the mother is overly passionate about developmental techniques. Such mothers will definitely choose something “developing” from the entire mass of toys in the store: a logic constructor, insert frames, lacing, etc. But mother-in-law gifts in the form of doll dishes or a doll bath are criticized as “giving nothing.” In this case, you can speak out in defense of your mother-in-law (or other relatives). For the development of a child, especially after 3 years, toys are needed that can stimulate story-based play, where the baby can feel like a doctor, a cook, a carpenter, an astronaut, or a soldier. And for this you need the simplest items: dishes, sets for role-playing games, for example, as a doctor, tools that grandmothers often bring as gifts. Of course, it’s great when a child has well-developed fine motor skills and logical thinking, but this should go hand in hand with a well-developed imagination and playful fantasy.

If there is dissatisfaction with gifts, then...

Try to be more tolerant. After all, a gift is not something obligatory. You will buy the necessary thing yourself. But you still need to remember that the grandmother may have carefully chosen her gift and dreamed about how happy the baby would be. Therefore, even if the gift was not very successful from your point of view, be more tolerant.
If a gift is dangerous or unhealthy, try not to show it to your child. You can tactfully but confidently say that, for example, chocolate is contraindicated for your child and therefore you cannot give it to your child. Of course, this may cause offense, but it may also make you think, especially if you give reasons.
Remember that not all gifts have to be “developmental”. Perhaps you constantly tell your mother-in-law that these are the kinds of gifts that should be given, but she has a different opinion. The baby needs different toys.
Try to negotiate a “money gift.” Or, for example, invite your mother-in-law to go to the toy store together and help her make a choice. You can also choose a toy yourself for the allocated amount and give it to your mother-in-law so that she herself can give it to the child.

How can this situation be changed?

First, you need to try to understand for yourself that the root of the problem is in yourself. After all, you yourself provoked this situation due to low self-esteem and distrust of your chosen one. You have convinced yourself that your husband can easily cheat on you, that you are not beautiful, smart and economical enough for him to remain faithful to you. In other words, you voluntarily accepted the position of a victim and, due to your own fear of betrayal, decided to wage war with your mother-in-law, considering her a weaker rival than the other woman.

Second, you should start raising your grade immediately. You need to rise above conflicts with your mother-in-law and try not to stoop to the level of scandals, swearing and mutual reproaches. Practical psychiatry can help with this, which will allow you to raise your own importance, grow and develop. You need to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are. This will help you immediately understand that you are worthy of your husband and it is he who should be afraid of losing you, and not vice versa.

Third, give up an undefined role in the family. This applies primarily to housewives. If your husband earns his own money, this does not mean that he makes all the decisions himself. You should not be in his shadow and every new event in your family should take place by mutual consent. If you voluntarily entrusted your husband with the role of commander, and you yourself are content with the role of a subordinate, then you will be haunted by the fear that sooner or later your spouse may decide to leave the family, and you will only have to obey him unquestioningly. This fundamentally incorrect perception of oneself must be urgently avoided. This may require the help of a specialist.

Write letters

The psychologist advised me to write letters to my son, even if at first he doesn’t answer them at all. At the same time, you should not talk about how lonely you are without him. This may push him away even more. You should focus on your grandchildren and ask questions about them. Over time, Sergey will probably send photos of them. It is necessary to use modern means of communication, such as email, Skype, instant messengers. In any case, it is better to make attempts to establish contact and give your son chances than to simply remain depressed, not seeing any prospects.

How can you help yourself?

Complete self-confidence will help the young daughter-in-law rise above conflicts with her mother-in-law. If you find yourself in such an unpleasant situation and voluntarily choose to play the role of a victim in your new family, then you can also change it yourself. The simplest thing you can do right now is to increase your importance in this life. To do this, you will have to get a profession or start building a career, engage in public affairs or creativity to your liking.

You must be active and in demand, and always be in the center of events. As soon as your family sees that in this life you know and can do something, other people need your services, they will understand how much you mean to them. Your husband and other close people will respect you, and you yourself will become a confident person who has his own opinion and the right to vote. You will stop fighting with your mother-in-law, you will no longer have time for this. And you will no longer be so afraid of losing your husband, because you will become a comprehensively developed and self-sufficient person.

Start an Instagram

You can open Instagram and talk about your hobbies there. And also post photos of something interesting and important that is related to the development of children. For example, crafts, pictures, arrangement of children's rooms. This will bring them closer to their grandchildren in a certain way, and when they start using gadgets and start their own pages, they will be able to find their grandmother’s.

Among other things, Instagram will also provide psychological relief and allow you to express yourself. It’s worth subscribing to the accounts of other grandmothers and mothers on social networks and studying them, gaining experience. And if you use the Internet and learn how to sew or knit with the help of video tutorials, you can send gifts to your children, delighting both them and yourself.

How to properly build relationships in a new family?

In order for a young wife to properly build relationships in a new family in general and with her mother-in-law in particular, she needs to adhere to some simple rules:

Don't sit idle. Work, study, engage in social activities, in a word, be useful in society.
You need to treat your husband’s mother with respect, but you shouldn’t play the role of a “good girl” forever. You should always remain yourself, be well-mannered and friendly.
Always remember that a mother-in-law, whatever she may be, can seriously affect, if not your relationship with your husband, then the general climate in the family. Therefore, you need to try to make your spouse feel good, cozy and comfortable next to you. So that he wants to devote all his free time to you.
If you cannot avoid the conflict, try to understand its essence. Any conflict situation can be resolved only by eliminating the cause of its occurrence.
Under no circumstances should you involve your husband in the conflict. You and your mother-in-law will have to resolve it yourself.

The above rules will help you improve relationships in your new family and try to avoid conflict with your husband’s mother, regardless of whether she lives with you or you live separately. After all, you are, after all, family people who, as you know, should stick to each other.

Resolving the conflict between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is quite possible. But only if the young wife behaves correctly. Any mother is very pleased to see that her son is loved, respected and cared for. And also to know that he is married to a worthy woman and everything is in order in their family. Of course, this will take time. But even the most severe conflict between close people is completely solvable. This is what we should strive for.

Specifics of maternal jealousy

Maternal jealousy is the norm as long as it does not exceed acceptable limits. Under normal conditions, from the moment of birth until marriage, a man is part of his parents’ family, where he plays the role of a son. Mom has been the main woman in his life for many years. She raises her boy, takes care of him, and most importantly, loves him with maternal love.

After marriage, life changes, and the circle of close people is supplemented by a new woman. She occupies a central place in a man's life. And not all mothers are ready for such changes. Often, many of them cannot accept the loss of their usual role in their son’s life; they are not able to come to terms with the fact of the need to share a dear person with another woman. A feeling of jealousy arises.

Mothers in such situations experience classic jealousy, which can be characterized as a complex emotional state that arises in a woman in a situation of threat of loss of emotional connection with her son. Another woman, the daughter-in-law, is claiming this connection.

Psychology indicates that one should not confuse a mother-in-law’s feeling of jealousy with situations where a mother is simply not satisfied with her son’s wife, and because of this, tension arises in the relationship.

Such confrontation is similar in its manifestations to situations with jealousy, but has nothing in common with it. It’s just that the girl’s character, appearance, behavior, social status or status were not suitable for the mother.

The mother-in-law will strive to eliminate the negligent daughter-in-law. If she succeeds, then there will be no problems with another girl who is more suitable in her mother’s opinion. The mother is not afraid of losing intimacy with her son, she simply interferes in his choice.

Often a crisis in a relationship is aggravated by a girl. With her selfishness and possessive attitude, she provokes her mother-in-law into confrontation.

Probable Causes

The reasons for a mother-in-law's jealousy of her daughter-in-law must be sought in the life of her son before marriage.

Fear. The mother-in-law is afraid of losing the usual emotional connection with her son. The feeling intensifies when a woman raised a child without a husband. There is no longer a man in her life; no one will take her son’s place. This wreaks havoc on the mother’s psychological state. She is not ready to face such fears. To avoid the described consequences, a defense mechanism is activated - jealousy. The woman has nothing to fill the free time that she devoted to a close relationship with her son. The mother-in-law thinks with fear that in marriage her boy will move away, there will no longer be the same closeness.
There was one child in the family. Mom gave all her love to her beloved son. After the “boy”’s wedding, the parent’s need for love remains, but there are no more opportunities to express it as before. Attempts to maintain familiar relationships collide with the daughter-in-law’s desire to create her own full-fledged family relationship.
The son grew up in conditions of complete subordination to his mother; he has no opinion of his own. In a situation where a parent interferes in his life with his wife, such a man cannot resist his mother and protect his wife.
Mother-in-law is characterized by selfishness. All his life, the child was perceived only as an element of the environment, a familiar and necessary attribute of a good woman and mother. Such a mother-in-law will not be able to give up her status; she raised the baby for herself, and not for some girls. The situation may be aggravated when the son finds an equally selfish wife.

A common reason for the development of mother-in-law jealousy is living together. It is impossible for two housewives to get along in one house.

If the daughter-in-law is skillful, then a clash of two characters is inevitable. Here the mother-in-law will be jealous due to the threat of losing her status as the best, sole housewife. And in a situation where the young wife does not have the necessary skills and experience, the mother-in-law will reproach her for this, demonstrating her superiority.

Mother's jealousy is not always overt. Often a disturbing condition manifests itself in a hidden form, veiled from the daughter-in-law. The spouse’s mother is friendly and courteous in the presence of the girl, but when communicating with other people she speaks negatively about her.

Warning signs in mother-in-law behavior

Signs confirming jealousy on the part of the mother-in-law:

during quarrels between young spouses, the mother is always on her son’s side, even if he is wrong,
in everyday life, a woman clings to her daughter-in-law over every little thing - dissatisfaction with the taste of dishes, the level of order in the apartment,
finds shortcomings in a girl - she dresses wrong, her appearance does not correspond to a married woman, etc.,
at every opportunity he reminds everyone how bad his son’s life is - he has lost weight, gained weight, gone bald, become silent, sad, etc.,
discusses his daughter-in-law behind her back with mutual friends,
uses any excuse for his son to be nearby - to make repairs, help with rearrangements, etc.,
puts pressure on his son with reproaches in the presence of his daughter-in-law, so that she feels guilty - you forgot me, you spend little time, you don’t love me at all,
nagging, comparing the daughter-in-law with other people, demonstrating her shortcomings.

Jealousy is clearly manifested at the everyday level. The mother doesn’t like the way her daughter-in-law organizes life in her new family - she cooks poorly, doesn’t know how to clean, is lazy, does not iron and wash well enough. The mother believes that she is better in everything and thinks: “Can this girl take care of her son better than me?”

The hidden meaning of such quibbles is that the mother-in-law is used to providing for her son’s life. She cannot accept the loss of this status; she is afraid that refusal to provide everyday care for her son will lead to a severance of close emotional and sensory ties.

Options for the development of the conflict

The mother-in-law takes the most irreconcilable position when jealousy is mixed with antipathy. In situations of acute confrontation between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, there are only three options. Two are destructive:

a complete severance of ties between the young family and the mother-in-law,
divorce to please the mother.

Such scenarios have an extremely negative impact on all participants, so it is worth considering a third option - finding a compromise.

When two women collide, the man also finds himself in a difficult situation. He loves both, but feelings for each have their own specifics. A man should not choose between his wife and mother. Never.

Due to the impossibility of taking someone’s side in a conflict, a man more often takes a neutral position; he tries to distance himself and not interfere. But the women do their best to persuade him to their side.