What are feelings?
Not all adults can explain what emotions are, and it is even more difficult for children to understand the world of feelings and experiences. Let's give an example from life. A junior school student is constantly distracted in class, does not listen to the teacher, and sometimes behaves aggressively with classmates. Inattentive, minds his own business in class, does not learn new information well. Mom sounds the alarm and turns to a child psychologist. After talking with the mother and the boy, the specialist invites the father to a conversation. The man gives the impression of a block of stone: imperturbable, lacking any emotions, absolutely restrained. One gets the impression that he is little concerned about his son’s academic problems.
And what does the student’s behavior have to do with dad’s peace of mind? In fact, the son subconsciously copies his father's behavior. He really wants to communicate with his dad, but is afraid to approach him, because it is not clear what mood he is in, what he feels, whether he will talk or scold him. Close contact does not work, because the father is constantly closed and is not open to communication with his son.
Meanwhile, it is through communication that parents share life wisdom and pass on family norms to their children. The boy does not know how to manage his emotions and feelings, because his dad did not teach this and does not set an example. But adults (teachers, relatives) demand something from him: listen carefully in class, talk about school life, do his homework. The boy doesn’t know how to express his emotions. The child’s psyche is tense and needs release from time to time. This is why the student experiences outbursts of aggression, anger, hysteria, and reluctance to comply with the demands of adults.
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Learning to recognize feelings
A father must explain to his son from early childhood what feelings are and at what moments they are experienced:
“Now you’re angry because I didn’t buy you another car,” “You’re sad because it’s raining outside and we can’t go for a walk in the park.”
Be sure to talk through all the emotions you experience and ask your baby what he is feeling at the moment. In many, the Soviet attitudes that adults taught us still exist:
“Men should not cry, they must keep all emotions within themselves.”
Even if it’s difficult, try to describe in words what you feel now. When a child learns to recognize emotions, it will be easier for him to behave appropriately. For example, I was scared, but I know that in this situation you can run to your dad or mom, hide, and ask adults for help.
If the emotions are positive, the boy will be able to share them with others. If the feelings are negative, you need to work together to try to find a way out of the situation. The main thing is that the boy knows that dad is nearby and will always help, and he will not pretend that nothing is happening.
Father's influence on son
If you want your son to grow up to be a worthy man, show him what to do by your own example. From an early age, the boy notices how his father addresses his mother, communicates with his sister, and solves family problems. If a father yells at his mother, does not respect his grandmother, and suppresses all family members with his authority, the son will most likely grow up the same way.
Common interests
A father may love fishing or football, and a son may be interested in computers and reading. Under no circumstances should you force a boy into nature or a stadium. Find a common hobby, such as car repair.
Ivan, 24 years old:
“My father and I have completely different hobbies. He loves to sit at home with friends, tinker in the garden, and go fishing. On the contrary, I prefer active recreation. However, we have good, friendly relations. Since childhood, my dad suggested that I do something together: go to the grocery store, buy spare parts for the car, go to a cafe and eat ice cream. We discussed spending time together. It was always interesting with dad, because he knows so many fascinating stories! Now I live separately from my parents, but on weekends we often gather in the garden, cook barbecue, and chat near the fireplace. Then I can go to a nightclub to dance, but spending a few hours with my family is happiness.”
Wake up the little boy inside of you
It’s not for nothing that they say that in every man there lives a boy who loves to play active games, shoot with toy weapons, build huts, and make fires. The son will fondly remember all his life how he played Indians with his father or built a large sand castle on the shore of the lake. Time spent playing with your son is priceless for a child.
Listen son
Many men do not know how to hear what they are told. A good relationship between father and son is built on mutual respect and listening skills. Try to listen carefully to a child who has come to you to tell you something very important. You may feel like the problem isn't worth talking about for a few minutes. But there is no need to be distracted, pretend to listen, interrupt or give unsolicited advice. The boy needs to speak out, and he wants to tell his father about the painful problem. If you don’t listen now, then your son may not come to you again.
Praise your son
Kind words from your father are an incentive to move on, achieve results, and move forward. Do not focus on the bad; on the contrary, praise every good deed, every success of the child. If you constantly criticize, a boy may develop an inferiority complex and low self-esteem, which will certainly have a negative impact in adulthood. You want your son to grow up to be a successful person, to realize himself as a professional, and to achieve everything he wants? Then don’t skimp on praise to make it easier for the boy to overcome daily obstacles and move towards his goals.
The role of a father in his son's life cannot be overestimated.
Spend more time with the boy, take an interest in his life, support him and be there. Show by your example what a real man should be, and the son will try to be like his dad. leave a comment
Dad is important: how your relationship with your father affects your career and relationships
What does a child get in a relationship with his father? How are career failures and choice of partner related to a father figure? Dissatisfaction with your husband... or dissatisfaction with your dad? How to come to forgiveness if dad caused a lot of pain? Today’s conversation with psychologist Maria Letucheva is about the main thing in the relationship between fathers and children.
Maria Letucheva
Maria Letucheva is a consulting psychologist, teacher, trainer, co-author of the book “It’s All About Dad” and the training course of the same name at Moscow Psychological Laboratory 12.
Maria, today in articles and books on psychology they often write about the influence of mothers and relationships with her on our lives, while almost nothing is heard about fathers. Why does this happen and what role does a father play in a person’s life?
Indeed, the figure of the pope is a silent figure, and there are many different reasons for this. The simplest one: we know mom while still in the womb, and we recognize dad during life. We are connected physiologically with mom, and dad’s role is mainly social. From here come the roots of the feeling of either his optionality, or his secondary importance (“dad is the one who comes to the mother’s aid and takes care of the child on a residual basis”), or a completely absent character who can be invented.
If mother and child are in close symbiosis, and we gradually move away from mom, then dad is the one to whom we come when we “turned around” from mom to the big world, who meets us there. The father's figure is an external figure; it personifies the very society into which the child enters. This is how dad can help in separation from mom, because leaving in general is very difficult: the world is still incomprehensible to the child, it seems alarming and unpredictable. Especially if I have not yet been nourished, not filled, if there is no one there to meet me. And when dad is nearby, it becomes safer, there is confidence, support, stability, and the feeling that I have a place in this world.
Is it true that it is the father who is “responsible” for the formation of psychological boundaries in the child?
Yes, dad has a huge role in this matter. What is it? Psychological boundaries begin with awareness: what I am and what is not me, what is mine and what is not mine, what is possible and what is not, how you can do with me and how you can’t do with me. If mom is the person who fills and nourishes us, then dad helps draw boundaries: he treats mom and child differently, he is fundamentally different from mom, he is a man. This difference begins to be perceived as the ability to discriminate.
Psychologists also have a common phrase that mom is love, and dad is the law. What does it mean?
Any rules, any boundaries that dad introduces are much easier for the child to perceive. When a mother introduces rules and, moreover, when she and her child conflict about these rules, the child may perceive this as a loss of love. Because the mother is the one on whom the child depends, without whom he cannot live. And when dad introduces rules, the experience of loss of love is much less connected with this. So if a mother needs her child to obey, it’s very good to lean on dad. Just don’t need to scare for this: “Dad will come and punish”, because of this, not boundaries, but fear may arise. And without intimidation, dad has quite strong authority in the eyes of the child. True, if the mother supports this authority.
This is an important amendment. And if a child doesn’t listen to dad, does that mean there is some kind of imbalance in the parents’ relationship?
The child learns about who dad is through his mother, as well as about many other things in this life. Mom is the first filter at the child’s entrance into the world, which dictates who is who. And if mom and dad have disagreements, the child reads it. And he finds himself in a very difficult situation, which psychologists call a conflict of loyalty. The child loves mom and dad equally, but, relatively speaking, he is given a choice: which side will you be on? At this moment, the child’s level of anxiety rises very strongly, and when the child is anxious, he has no time for obedience, he can signal his parents about his anxiety by disobedience.
Another answer to the question “why doesn’t he obey” would be if the child is three years old. During this period, he, as it were, tests his parents’ strength, tries his strength, masters his “I”: I am different, I have my own desires, I can do everything myself. This is a normative situation, and here it is easier for the child to try his strength with his dad, because destroying the relationship with his mother and somehow harming her is much more worrying.
Is dad a safer “trainer”?
Yes, he is perceived as a more durable, stronger person, and breaking ties with him is not so scary. Dads play with children much more intensely than mothers. The mother perceives the child on a very deep level, as a part of herself, and her concern for the child is higher, the desire to protect him from everything dangerous is much stronger, purely biologically. And for dad, the more important direction is “let’s learn something new.” You can often hear the phrase from a father: “I was so waiting for my child to grow up so that he and I could do something together.”
It turns out that it is easier for a father and son to get along than with a daughter?
Yes, traditionally they say that dads want more sons. But if you ask why, fathers may answer like this: “With a boy, I know how to play and what to do, but a girl is different.” In fact, behind this I hear: “I want to do something together with you, but I don’t know if I can do it, because you’re a girl.” He can pass something on to his son, because he is the same boy, but what to do with his daughter, how to contact her, whether it will be possible to do something together - that’s the question. And for men it is important to do something together. At a certain age, it is very important for both boys and girls to do something together with their dad, even repair a car in the garage.
Fishing, hammering nails...
Yes, any man’s business, and it makes no difference whether it is a son or a daughter, because at that moment the child comes to his father’s territory, to male territory. The boy who came with his dad to male territory learns here how to be a man. And the girl - how can she be in a man's world?
There is a phrase in your book: “Mom gives life, and dad gives the strength to live.” What does it mean?
When a child has both a mother and a father, it means that he has a lot of resources. Mom’s resource is the nest: here you are loved, cared for, fed, wrapped up. Dad's resource protects mom, thanks to which mom becomes less anxious, mom has more peace of mind and support, and the child feels more peace and support. When a child has a dad behind him, this, as we have already said, is an additional source of strength and confidence in the outside world.
If, for example, a person has career failures and is unable to achieve success in his profession, could there be reasons for this in a not very good, broken relationship with his father?
Yes, that’s absolutely right: either I’m afraid of dad, or my relationship with dad is broken, or dad was so ideal that I still can’t get to him. The last point is more likely for boys, while relationships are more important for girls.
Tell us how your relationship with your father influences your choice of partner?
Dad is the first man in a girl’s life; he is the ruler by which she initially measures all other relationships. It is clear that then she gains some experience of her own, and everything can change. But it will still be the basis.
Do they choose either someone like dad or his complete opposite (but not like dad)?
Yes, that's absolutely right. If a woman tries with all her might to abandon the image of her father, she still has this image, she has something to build on. Also, if dad wasn’t very good, a “all men are like that” situation may arise. And through this filter it is difficult to see anyone who is different from this sample.
For example?
For example, something like this happens: “I want to see a strong man next to me, but I always come across weak ones.” You begin to find out what dad was like, in the woman’s words: “weak,” but in reality he was just soft and warm, loving. Mom assessed this as weakness, and the girl subsequently assessed it as weakness. And it turns out to be a dead end: “I know what kind, safe, reliable men there are, but since these men are weak, and I need a strong man, I am looking for a strong one. But when I see such a man, he seems cold or even dangerous to me, and in general I don’t know how to deal with him.” This is how the conflict turns out. Who do I need? In the end, I choose someone like dad, calling him weak, and I think that I am married to a weak man, although in fact I’m just used to looking at the main man in my life as weak, “and if he’s weak, then you - even more so.”
Is it true that the constant dissatisfaction and complaints of women towards their partner are more likely associated with the father?
Yes, many strong feelings can accumulate towards a father, which, moreover, may be unexpressed. And when a partner appears, also close, also a man, consciously or unconsciously chosen as something similar to his father, all these experiences and conflicts that originated from there, from the relationship with dad, begin to intensify. And often a lot of projections associated with the father figure are hung on the husband: “you should be like him” or “you should not be like him.”
And in general, you must satisfy all my needs, which, by and large, cannot be satisfied by one person.
Yes. You see, one person satisfies the needs of another in a single period of life - in childhood. And then we somehow take care of our own needs. We seem to forget that we need to negotiate with our partner, and we want him to understand by default what we need. And this request is no longer even to dad, but to mom.
It turns out to be a “funny” story: first the mother hangs on the male partner - “be my own mother”, then the father on top - “and also protect me, like my dad did or, on the contrary, he never did.” Of course, this is difficult for a man, because it is a substitution and the imposition of several roles at once. In addition, the parent is the one who occupies a position from above, and interaction with the partner is still on equal terms. Unlike child-parent relationships, relationships with a spouse are a choice, a collaboration, and finally a sexual relationship.
What to do in such cases? We do the following exercise at seminars: we separate the figures of the father and the partner, literally placing them in space in two different places. That is, symbolically, as if the daddy was put on the partner, and then the daddy was taken and removed from the partner. This is the metaphor that came to me at the consultation today: “Let’s take off daddy’s coat from a man.” And when we take off this coat, very interesting reactions often arise. For example, a woman looks and says: “I don’t even know what to do with him. How can I build a relationship with him now?” A lot of surprise and a lot of curiosity and desire to finally find out what you are like can arise here. Or disappointment may arise...
This doesn't mean that "separating" dad and partner will eliminate all the fights and conflicts in the relationship, because that's impossible, but it can relieve some of the tension that is actually directed at the father figure. As a result, your partner may feel better.
It also happens the other way around: a father is an ideal that no mere mortal can reach...
Absolutely right: if my father is wonderful, I don’t see any shortcomings in him, he is my friend and support, then the place of the closest and most beloved man next to me is occupied. Who can compare with him, who can take his place? If you remember the fairy tale “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”, all the men around are dwarfs.
There are women who had complete families and good relationships as children. And there are those who did not have a father, he died or left, or spent his whole life lying on the couch in front of the TV. If at some point a woman realizes that this has affected her, where should she begin to unravel this tangle?
The first step is recognizing that there is still a dad in life. Sometimes people say “I didn’t have a father,” but as we say, so we feel, and then there is emptiness in the place where the father figure should be. Therefore, we, psychologists, immediately correct that the fact of paternity cannot be canceled in any way, and it does not matter that dad left, dad died, dad never knew you, and so on. Now children conceived through donation will grow up, but even there there is a father who gave consent for the child to be born. “There is a dad” is the point that changes your outlook on your life. There is already support for this. How the father then disposed of his life and how he disposed of his fatherhood is another story. The very fact that he participated in your birth is important, and you always have him. Nothing can cancel this fact, not even death.
If there was some kind of traumatic situation with dad, how to come to forgiveness? And how to do this if you simply cannot persuade yourself to forgive?
Forgiveness cannot be achieved through “shoulds.” We can pretend to “sweep it under the rug,” but this is unlikely to be forgiveness. Most likely, this will be repressing and burying some difficult feelings. True forgiveness comes through recognizing these most difficult feelings, including anger, resentment, pain, and a sense of harm. And only after you have managed to cry, get angry, and grieve, is that stage of peace possible in which forgiveness comes. And accepting the fact that this man is my father, he gave me life, yes, in this life a lot of hard things were associated with him, but it ended, I stood up and became who I am. He is just a man with his own weaknesses, but still I am internally grateful that he gave me this life.
I repeat: you cannot come to this, guided by a sense of duty, you do not need to demand from yourself “I must forgive.” You need to acknowledge your feelings and live them.
For forgiveness, as I understand it, it is important to separate my mother’s judgments from my feelings...
Yes, this is an important thing, because the child often joins his mother simply because he is forced to choose who to be for, as I already said. The child begins to look through her eyes, and he has to give up a large part of the experience where he had contact with his father. This is one option.
There is another option when the father was not very involved in the upbringing. It seems that there was a dad in life, but the functions that a father should fulfill - boundaries, strength, self-confidence - turned out to be unfulfilled, the child did not receive enough experience to rely on this. Then it would be good to nourish and replenish this dysfunctional figure. How? Remembering those situations when dad was in a good fatherly role, when we did something together, when dad said “you’re doing great.” Or, for example, imagine a situation where you are doing something well, and dad is watching from the sidelines and praising you. This can also provide support and support that the child lacked. Or find a male mentor who is not an equal, not a partner, not a new spouse, but a person whom you can look at as an authority, and from him you can receive additional support, get more support.
There are serious cases when a father beats a child or commits violence against a mother. Here it is very important to separate the figure of the father-aggressor and just the father. Note that when a person does this, it is as if he ceases to be in his father’s place for this time. He is in a state of passion at this moment and becomes an aggressor.
Even if these were some difficult situations, for example, physical or sexual violence?
With incest, this is especially difficult: the closest person you love uses you, does the unacceptable. Here, of course, the boundaries of what is possible and what is not are very confusing. If a father beats or rapes, or uses emotional abuse, then for the child it means “I deserve it.” And this “I’m bad, this is how it is with me, this is possible with me” carries into adulthood. Even if a grown child says that his father is terrible, he did unacceptable things, then the feeling of his badness still remains with him.
It is very important to work with the fact that the person is not to blame for what happened. Separate “dad is terrible” and “dad was still good.” In those moments when my father committed violence, he was terrible, it was as if he was not a dad. But there were also moments when he was a dad. An adult can share this. This is an impossible task for a child.
In the book, you write that in the healthy version, the father admires the girl and is proud of the boy, and vice versa: the mother admires the boy and is proud of the girl - and this is an important moment in growing up. What to do if fatherly love is not enough? Is it possible to give this to yourself as an adult?
It’s possible, because as adults we have already taken away their parental functions from mom and dad and are now ourselves a good mom and a good dad. Mom and dad are figures that we seem to carry inside our psyche. We don’t bring our father by the hand to the therapist and say: “Fix dad, he didn’t love me.” The figure is a cast from our memories. Very often we look at ourselves and even at our real parents through the prism of this figure. Therefore, sometimes we react inadequately to some simple things. Mom said, “Put on your hat,” and we already flared up as if she was running after us with this hat and forcefully putting it on our heads. This suggests that at this moment we are looking at mother through the prism of our childhood perception of this grandiose figure. Exactly the same with dad.
And that is why we, with the figure that is inside our psyche, can do something. The psyche is symbolic, for it it makes no difference whether it really happened or we invented it for ourselves. And a psychotherapist is the same person who, in contact with us, can help us nourish ourselves from this parental point. And we can put it somewhere, in our secluded place in the heart, to complement these parental figures.
You can try without a psychotherapist - for example, imagining my dad looking at me and admiring me, or remembering situations when I, a beautiful 5-year-old, in a smart dress at a matinee, and my dad couldn’t hold back his tears from tenderness and delight. Even when we simply remember, imagine, describe, immerse ourselves in these situations, this part of the father figure in us becomes larger and stronger, and we have something to rely on in our adult life.
We often use this practice in group therapy: we invite people to remember various good moments from their contact with their father. Dad carried him on his shoulders, pushed him on the swing, and allowed extra ice cream. Often people say: “I didn’t have anything good, I can’t remember anything,” but, listening to others, they join in emotionally. And then miracles begin for them: they remember some of their stories that they have long forgotten. The very atmosphere and the desire to go to a good dad helps to remember and rely on this memory.
It is often said that now in our country everything is very bad with the topic of fatherhood. On the other hand, on the contrary, we are seeing a tendency for dads to be more involved in family life: they walk with strollers, go with their children to clinics and parent-teacher meetings, and so on. What do you, as a specialist, observe, what picture?
It is difficult to talk about society as a whole, since I more often see those with whom I am in contact who come for consultations to make their lives better, this is one circle of people. As a rule, they all care about their children. Of course, some crises and difficult stories may occur in marital relationships, but even in the event of a divorce, these fathers want to continue to have a relationship with their children. Fathers want to be fathers.
And there is another circle of people who will not come to a psychologist, although in their families one can observe many more financial problems, problems with alcohol, problems with work, problems with upbringing and relationships.
But I want to say that there have always been those fathers who, even despite their absence from the family, remained in the eyes of their family a model, a support they could count on. A very good example, which is found in many books of memoirs about fathers, is that “the child was raised by a ray of light from his father’s office” when he was working. And it was clear, in general, about values, and about meaning, and about guidelines.
There are many dads who believe that it is enough just to provide for their family, earn money...
We need to look at what's behind it. Often it’s the same “I don’t know what else I can do.” That is, either the father does not know how, because he did not have his own example, or he had an example of such a ray of light from his office. Or he had a very bad example, and then he is generally afraid of the topic of fatherhood in a relationship. Either they put pressure on him and tell him what he should be, but as soon as they start teaching him, he becomes a little boy in front of a strict mother who teaches him from above. And no one likes this position, you want to be on an equal footing, you want to be respected, and not someone who has been poked with a finger, and then told that you did everything wrong. They scolded him like a little boy: “In general, get out of here, you don’t know how, let me do it.” Our husbands and fathers often find themselves in this position. And, really, no one wants to be in it.
If a relationship with the father is impossible, can the priest be such a figure in the child’s life?
It may well be, and moreover, a priest is a “conductor” to God, one who helps in spiritual formation. Who is God? Heavenly Father. Sometimes this can be the light that will lead you. True, it is very important here not to fall into the charm of idealization. And for the priest to be such a wise mentor who will not use any abuse, because we are very sensitive in such relationships.
Can a relationship with a father be projected onto a relationship with both a priest and God?
Yes, we look at God based on our global ideas, including about fatherhood. It also depends on them how we see this Divine power: indifferent, punishing, loving and merciful... This, of course, also leaves its mark.
Interviewed by Anastasia Khramuticheva
