I often come across loud slogans: “a woman shouldn’t work”, “men are rednecks or losers if they don’t provide for a woman” or, conversely, “be strong and independent”, “a woman doesn’t need a man, she should earn money herself” and so on . Society loves to attach labels and now several “camps” stand out clearly - men and their infantile women, who need to be fully provided for, and then they can supposedly show all their femininity. And “women with balls” who earn more than men and claim that they don’t need anyone.
Today I want to talk about how not to go to extremes and build healthy relationships, taking into account such an important aspect of our lives as money.
Should a man provide for a woman?
Let's start with the basis - any relationship can include two elements. The first is when the relationship is personal - we choose a person for the qualities that he possesses. The second principle is when the relationship is functional. Here, men and women are only together when they can satisfy some need of each other, when the relationship performs a certain function. In reality, in a relationship there is both, the only question is which is more priority.
When the thesis “A man must provide for a woman” is heard, then people bring functionality to the forefront in relationships. Such relationships have a right to exist; they can be strong and reliable. But there is one very important point here - if such a function disappears and a man cannot generate enough income to provide for a woman and make her feel comfortable with him, the relationship falls apart, or a crisis occurs and the relationship is still rebuilt in some way.
When the main thing in a relationship is the choice of the person as a whole, for the qualities that he has, for those characteristics, for some things that are important to us, then such relationships are not functional. Then they are stronger and more durable, because there we are in closeness with the person himself, and not with the function that he can provide us.
Who is the breadwinner?
The second point is, of course, it’s nice when a man pays for a girl. This makes a man feel good, because he feels like a breadwinner, he feels strong. This is also pleasant for the girl, because she feels and accepts male attention and, to some extent, male superiority. The origins of such satisfaction go back to ancient times, when we lived in caves, and men, because they were stronger and more resilient, obtained food. They could have killed the mammoth and dragged it into the cave, where the woman was already handling this food.
Much time has passed since then; there is no longer any need to kill the mammoth. We get food in a completely different way - we work, communicate with other people, build relationships with them. And it must be said that in this field women have exactly the same opportunities as men, and, accordingly, their responsibilities are exactly the same as men. Namely, to provide for yourself. This is the equality that our modern society has strived for and which the “strong and independent” so zealously declare. Don’t think, I’m not against it, but I’m very much in favor of it - the main thing is to know when to stop and not to forget that you are a woman, not a horse.
Show your material requests
The proverb “there’s heaven in a hut”, of course, is beautiful, but only in the case of a camping site or if you’ve spent your whole life in a conventional “hut” and don’t want to change the type of property. Otherwise, it’s worth talking about your habits and preferences. This is especially important at the beginning of a relationship, when there is no understanding of the partner’s real income. Don't be afraid to ask about something in a gentle form, for example, about what kind of vacation you can afford, what country. You can make it clear what you would really like - but not in the form of a demand. For example, like this: “I have always dreamed of visiting Venice, do you think we can afford it?” Although, if the financial situation in the family is difficult, the partner may react quite harshly. Especially if he is used to doing everything so that his loved ones do not need anything. Again, here you need to understand whether it will be within the family’s means. In this case, it is important to support your loved one.
“What if I can do it myself, but I don’t want to, that’s why I’m looking for a sponsor?”
In such a situation, there are two options for the development of events. The first is that you are an infantile woman, because not only do you choose to depend on someone, but you also deceive yourself. You need to receive care, guardianship, because you are “inferior”, like a child. In this case, you find yourself in a dependent relationship, and do not forget that your “sponsor” may change his opinion about the function that you or he performs for you.
Option two - if you really can earn money and provide for yourself, but choose to manipulate a man, then you are calculating, selfish, lazy and build relationships not of trust, but of functional ones, and behave dishonestly towards the man. If you weren’t one, why would you then deprive yourself of the opportunity to be free?
The only healthy option is honest conversation and complete trust in the relationship. If you can earn the required amount only by doing a job that you really don’t like, talk to the man and decide whether you can trust him enough in this situation to be completely dependent, but at the same time do what you love.
So how do you discuss money issues with your loved one?
You need to learn to talk about money without unnecessary coquetry, but also without “pitying” your husband. It's best to say it directly. For example: “This month we will need to close the loan, let’s buy fewer things”, “My salary is being delayed - can you pay the rent now, and I’ll pay for the children’s mugs from my salary?”, “I would like to buy a down jacket for the winter, I like this one , costs so much.”
Unfortunately, a man is not always ready to share his income with the lady of his heart.
There is no need to try to beg for something with the intonations of a coquette. Like: “Am I really beautiful to you? And with a new dress I will be even more beautiful...” Also, there is no need to put pressure on a man’s romantic feelings (“You love me, buy me!”).
Your relationships and feelings should not become an argument in “bargaining” - there is no need to hint to a man in such a way that he is supposedly “paying” for the opportunity to be with such a luxurious woman.
You can ask, but only argue with the importance of the purchase for you. You can honestly say, “I saw a thing and I want it, but I can’t!”, You can admit with humor that you will regret it or you won’t be able to financially buy this thing. But here, of course, have the wisdom to give the man the right to refuse the request.
If you live together and he is the main earner, you don’t need to ask for small amounts for each current expense (such as one trip to the grocery store or a new bra).
Agree how much your husband or boyfriend can contribute to the budget once a month or another period, and take this amount in the conventional “bedside table”.
There is also no need to account for small expenses - this is everyday life, in which you should not feel like a “slave” spending the “master’s” money. And if you know how to manage expenses rationally, an adequate man will notice without any special reports that you are not wasting your money on stupid things.
It’s better to agree on expenses and a joint budget right away
You also need to talk about your money. Tell the man how much you can spend on general needs, and which of your needs you will pay for without needing help. In the end, he should also know what share of the total budget your income will take up. At the same time, you can talk or not talk about how much you spend on yourself from your personal “stash”: on the one hand, having your own money should not outrage a normal man, on the other hand, this money is yours to spend it without reports.
“A dream has come true, my husband has finally become rich. But now he doesn’t need me.”
The more money a man has, the more women he attracts. It is logical that his social status has increased and he has become more attractive to other women. This is how our society works. The only option is to compete. Use the knowledge that you have (you know your man well and what he likes), but which other women do not have.
Here you need to clarify, if your position is “not needed” - then your option is to leave, because you are in an unhealthy relationship, and if “not as interesting as before” - start competing, interest, attract attention. The main thing is not hysterics and manipulation, otherwise a man, the demand for whom has sharply increased and self-esteem, accordingly, will also not be where he is being brainwashed, think for yourself...
Whose mammoth is in charge?
In the modern world, it often happens that a woman is successful and earns well, but a man earns less than her. How can a woman help a man feel self-actualized, strong, and a provider? The first thing you need to understand is that it is not a woman’s problem if a man does not feel his self-realization because he:
a) does not do enough to earn more than his woman. The question here, of course, is whether he objectively has such an opportunity, and if he does, he must make an effort to earn more.
b) cannot accept that the family has different incomes, and this means that he competes with the woman in who earns more. If there are objectively no options, then you need to accept this situation and not play on your woman’s brain or try to compete with her.
But if you are worried that you earn more and you want to help your man, then here is what you can do in this situation:
The first and most important thing is to under no circumstances turn into a “mommy.” Don’t get him a job, don’t negotiate to hire him somewhere, don’t throw money at him. In this way, you form a pattern where your man begins to depend on you. He does not share all his achievements with you, despite the fact that “you supported him.” He feels obligated and inferior because you organized the opportunity for him to earn money - there is an achievement, but without you it would not have happened.
In order to make him feel comfortable, you need to talk and explain that you are worried and you would like to help him feel like a breadwinner. Try to decide together which area of responsibility your man will cover and provide for - purchasing groceries, paying for utilities, organizing joint recreation, paying for children's education - specifically, one or more areas that the man will pay for. It is important here that the man decides for himself and finds ways to close this area of responsibility. You can discuss and even advise, but do not organize it for him and do not criticize the way he chooses. The main task is for a man to see the result that he can provide himself, then he will have the feeling that he is achieving something and can solve these issues, albeit within the limits of his capabilities.
These are all, of course, some communications based on theory and my personal observations. I recognize that you have the opportunity to build a relationship the way you like, but be careful and don't make mistakes.
Is it necessary to talk about finances at all?
If you are not satisfied with something, then it needs to be discussed. And there cannot be too many such conversations. It’s normal to say that you need to buy something when this purchase is necessary, or that your husband is wasting money to the detriment of primary needs, when you see that his purchases are creating problems for you, etc.
But in fact, you need to start unpleasant conversations about who and how much is investing in the family treasury “on the shore” - only when you are about to live together.
And talk about financial aspects before making any life decisions that will likely affect your ability to earn money, your risks and expenses. You don't have to believe that a real gentleman should take care of the money himself. Perhaps the gentleman will turn out to be not such a gentleman after all. Or you simply won’t like his decisions due to different financial and everyday habits.
In general, the more detailed you describe your economic realities and expectations to each other, the easier it will be for you to run a joint household.
Whether or not to tolerate a greedy man, the Beautiful and Successful knows >>
