Karpman Triangle: What is it in Psychology? (Examples of How to Quit)

Story

The famous American psychotherapist Stephen Karpman, developing the ideas of his teacher Eric Berne (psychiatrist, developer of transactional analysis - editor's note), showed that the whole variety of roles underlying the “games that people play” can be reduced to three main ones : Rescuer, Persecutor (aka Tyrant, Controller, Executioner) and Victim. The concept of Karpman's triangle is based on their interaction. Codependent relationships between participants are built on the fact that they realize themselves at the expense of each other, manipulate and ruin the lives of themselves and those around them.

What is the Karpman triangle in psychology?

The definition of the Karpman triangle and what it means first appeared in psychology thanks to a psychotherapist from America, Stephen Karpman, and was named in his honor.

He revealed another secret of the human psyche and developed a new concept. According to it, we play many different roles in our lives, but all of them can be limited to three images: Rescuer, Victim and Executioner. There are different names for these hypostases, but they retain the same meaning. The essence comes down to a conflict between the victim and the persecutor in the presence of a third party.

The Karpman triangle is a codependent relationship that arises from the need to assert oneself at the expense of others. The result is manipulation and emotional release. But this scheme does not have a positive impact on all participants. Only the victim wins, and the rescuer leaves the game emotionally exhausted and devastated. An amazing fact, but the provocateur of the conflict - the villain and the executioner - may not even exist during the development of the situation. The ex-husband, boss and any other abuser are chosen for this role.

The triangle in psychology, victim, rescuer, persecutor, is a frequent companion in the lives of many people. We get used to all these roles, choosing one as our favorite. The real state of affairs remains behind the scenes, it is ignored. This all happens unconsciously. You may be surprised to recognize yourself in this behavior pattern, past or present. Roles can change for different periods of time - an hour or a minute.

This game saturates us with vivid experiences and emotions. Karpman's triangle in psychology is often defined as a chronic condition for some people. Getting hooked on emotions, they find “playing partners” and end up in a vicious circle. This becomes a habit and is perceived as the natural course of things, the only possible way of existing and building relationships. This is a trap that many emotionally dependent people fall into. To get out of it, you need to make an effort and use a cold mind and willpower. In a word, turn on your mind.

Unspoken rules of the game

By living in any of these roles, we believe in its authenticity and ignore reality without noticing it. In this case, one person plays all three roles in the Karpman triangle in turn (of course, there is a favorite one), moving from one to another. Often throughout the day, and sometimes even an hour or a minute (observe yourself). Therefore, such a “game” does not get boring for a long time, brings a lot of vivid, albeit not the most pleasant, emotions, and often takes on a chronic nature. People who are characterized by Karpman's dynamics quickly fall for the bait of the same gamers and attract more and more participants into this vicious circle. We get so used to it that at some point we accept the games themselves as the only way to exist in this world. But this is far from true.

Tyrant

He communicates from the position of “I’m okay - you’re not okay.” It belittles and humiliates people and makes them feel guilty and ashamed. The tyrant views life as an enemy and a source of problems. He is tense, irritated, angry and afraid. A tyrant ignores the worth and dignity of others. By suppressing the victim, he asserts himself and receives moral satisfaction. At the same time, he is sure that the Victim himself is to blame, since he provokes him to “bad” behavior. He is unpredictable, not responsible for his own life and needs the sacrificial behavior of another person to survive. Only the departure of the Victim or a sustainable change in her behavior can lead to a change in the Tyrant. The tyrant cannot forget past problems and constantly prophesies new troubles in the future. He controls and criticizes his neighbors, feels an unbearable burden of responsibility and is very tired of it.

Rescuer

He contacts from the same position “I’m okay - you’re not okay,” but does not humiliate, but simply devalues the Victim. He uses his more stable position to offer his help to others and resolve all issues for them. The Rescuer is codependent on the Victim; he receives his benefit in the form of gratitude and a feeling of his own omnipotence from being in the position “on top”. He likes to give unsolicited advice and gets angry if they are not followed, because he believes that he knows better than others how to arrange their life. In fact, he does not save anyone, because the purpose of his actions and advice is self-affirmation, and not help itself. In reality, it is not profitable for him to remove the Victim from a “distressed” situation, since in this case he risks losing the way of his self-realization. Rescue creates meaning in life for a codependent person, structures and supports his identity, and “plugs the hole” in his “I.”

Victim

She herself feels her humiliated position and communicates from the position of “I’m not okay - you’re okay.” The victim devalues his abilities, he lacks self-confidence. She is dissatisfied with life, complains about injustice, but believes that she is unable to change anything, because “nothing depends on her.” She is inert, afraid of life and expects only bad things from it. Often the Victim herself subconsciously looks for a Tyrant in order to confirm her scripted belief: “There’s nothing wrong with me. Others cannot love me." She resolves most of the issues through the Rescuer, who only deprives her of the opportunity to develop her own skills and confirms her script belief: “I cannot solve problems on my own.”

Partners switch between the roles of the triangle and either control or save each other. Being in one of the roles, people react based on the past, and not from the reality “here and now”. In this case, old scenario strategies are used.

Transition

Many habitually play one role more often than others, it is more familiar, he is more comfortable in it and knows more nuances and ways to receive his pleasures.
At the same time, we can say that the Triangle is a substitution. Replacing some experiences with similar ones, but not the same ones. It's like a fake dollar - very similar, but not real. Sometimes it will pass for the truth, but more often than not... Just as, instead of trying to earn real money, it seems easier for many to make fake ones, so many, instead of trying to get “true” experiences - love, joy, respect - replace their surrogates. It seems to them that it is easier to get them, they don’t have to invest so much mental energy, and they are usually much more tangible and significant. A few typical triangles. Old Psychiatrist – Client – New Psychiatrist. Wife – Husband – Mistress Husband – Wife – Wife’s Friend

How to get out of the triangle

In order to get out of the Karpman triangle, you must first of all realize the fact of its existence and your favorite role in it. It's not as simple as it seems. The Tyrant often does not know that he is a Tyrant (otherwise he would not be one). Other participants are able to understand their role, but are convinced that they were forced into the game by other people. But one way or another, if you have been in the triangle of fate for a long time, it means that you are interested in it and receive some bonuses from it. It is these secondary benefits that are important to deal with first.

Write down all the benefits you get from different roles in your life. Write down the benefits, benefits, convenience: from the position of the Tyrant, from the position of the Rescuer, from the position of the Victim. It is important to understand how else you can satisfy certain of your needs. And form new habits, a new type of thinking and behavior patterns.

If you are a Victim

Ask yourself questions

How does this position benefit me? What do I get from it? How do I limit myself in this role? What am I afraid of? What can I afford to do or not do?

For example

When I am in this role with my parents, I don’t need to grow up, earn more, take on responsibility, and then I can always count on their help.

When I’m in this role with a partner, then I receive more emotional investment from him and it seems to me that he won’t leave me, because I can’t do it without him, I can’t cope.

Form a new behavior pattern

Instead of complaining about life, spend time looking for opportunities to improve the current state of affairs. Gradually begin to take independent steps to improve your life.
Accept it as a fact: no one owes you anything. Don't wait for salvation, you yourself are the creator of your own destiny.
Stop shifting responsibility for your problems and troubles to others. Everything you do is your choice. And you have the right to make a different choice if this one does not suit you.
Get rid of the habit of making excuses and beating yourself up if you feel like you don't live up to someone else's expectations. You have every right to do as you see fit.

If you are a Tyrant

Ask yourself questions

What gives me control over the situation? Did I achieve anything as a result of my actions? What exactly did I get? (List both the good and the bad.)

For example

Causing pain to others gives me pleasure and makes me feel stronger and more in control. I only succeeded in getting my partner to dislike him, he became weak and exhausted, and the relationship turned into hell. I can try to realize my ambitions at work and in sports, and with my loved ones I can be more patient and sensitive, and talk more about how important this relationship really is to me.

Form a new behavior pattern

Look for the cause of failure in your behavior, not in others.
Get rid of the habit of criticizing others. Accept the idea that no one has to conform to your ideas of right and wrong. Just as you don't feel the need to consider alternative opinions, other people don't have to accept your point of view.
Resolve disagreements peacefully, without irritation or aggression.
If you want to get something from another person, tell him about it directly without physical or emotional violence.
Get your way by motivating people, not by putting pressure on them.
Before you make claims to anyone, demand something, blame or shame someone, think about whether you really need a result or whether you just want to let off steam.
Accept the idea that you are imperfect and can make mistakes. And you tend to make mistakes just like other people.
Don't talk down to your partner or give him advice unless he asks for it. Don't interrupt people.
Find alternative ways of self-realization instead of asserting yourself at the expense of your partner.

If you are a Rescuer

Ask yourself questions

What goal am I pursuing by saving the Victim? What does this give me? How can I get this in another way? How to help the Victim so that the Victim himself performs the actions and becomes independent?

For example

When I save, I feel unique, grandiose. This way I get a feeling of being in demand. I can get this feeling by doing some really meaningful things. To really help the Victim, I can draw her attention more to her own strengths and resources.

Form a new behavior pattern

Unless you are directly asked for help or advice, do not interfere in other people's relationships.
Never assume that a person is helpless except in situations where he is unconscious.
Instead of saying, “I know how to solve your problem, it’s obvious,” say, “I know you can handle this problem. Let's discuss it again."
Try to help the person who feels helpless to recognize and use the power that he or she has.
Share thoughts and ideas, inspire, ask leading questions, but do not do most of the work to solve the problem; demand that the Victim do at least half of this work herself.
Don't expect gratitude or praise. That's not why you provide help, is it?
Find alternative ways to improve your self-esteem instead of feeling important in the eyes of the Victim.

Outside the triangle

Once upon a time there was a gardener who dreamed of growing a tea rose.
He worked a lot, grew a lot of roses, but they were all wrong... And then one day he got a wonderful seedling. He planted it, watered it, collected beetles and caterpillars from it, sheltered it from the weather, pulled out weeds and fertilized it. The seedling grew and released a bud. And then one fine day this bud opened... And it was an absolutely amazing SCARLET rose. First of all, the way to avoid getting into “triangular relationships” is to distribute responsibility. The Gardener's responsibility is to care for, water and protect the Rose, and the Rose's responsibility is to be herself. Each person is individual, each has his own idea of the world and his own identity. We may or may not like it, but every person has the right to be what he wants. And it is his right to have the problems or opportunities that he has, and his right to change it or not. And in my experience, it turns out that if you try to “save” a person against his wishes, it usually ends quite badly. If a person does not take responsibility for his change, the change does not happen, but something completely obscene results.

What feelings and beliefs are outside the triangle? For example, these could be:

Let's try to analyze the practice of going beyond the triangle on “relationships with the opposite sex.”

Context.

Think about relationships with the “opposite sex” that you are not happy with. It could even just be some kind of internal contradictions or internal ideas about contradictions.

Your Role.

Determine what role you most often play in this situation. Perhaps you are constantly trying to play the role of the Victim, or are constantly spinning in a triangle - then just try to determine who you are most often. What feelings and beliefs are most characteristic of you in this situation? Make a list of them.

To go beyond.

Now go outside the triangle and try to find the place, feelings and beliefs in which you think are most suitable for this previously problematic relationship. This can be done quite physically - mentally designate an area on the floor that for you is a triangle. Try there to remember all the basic feelings and experiences that correspond to your relationship. And then just physically step outside of it and walk around the room, looking for a more suitable place.

Transition.

Step aside and compare your feelings in the first and second cases. Determine what you like best. Decide to go beyond the triangle (if you want to).

Checking the result and linking it to the future.

Think about how this change will affect you and your life. Will it hurt you?

What happens if you leave the game

Changing the behavior of one of the participants in the Karpman triangle cannot immediately change all the other “heroes”. Most often, someone simply leaves the relationship, and those who remain eventually find a third person (this could be a friend, relative, colleague, social worker, guardianship authorities, etc.).

At the same time, a change in one part of the triangle, as a rule, causes dynamics in the others. The decision to stop playing the triangle, implemented by one of its “angles,” can motivate other participants to reflect and similar internal transformations.

Here you can see a psychologist.

Photo: Shutterstock.com

The role of the victim in the triangle and its features

The victim is a character in need of saving. He is helpless, unhappy, irresponsible even for his own life. No matter how much effort is put into salvation, the situation will not change, because the Victim will always have a reason for complaints and unhappiness. To become successful, the Victim will have to step out of his comfort zone and take responsibility for his own life into his own hands. In this case, there will be no one to feel sorry for her.

Features of this role

Behavior: passive and plaintive. The victim is constantly engaged in demonstrating his own unviability and lack of resources to solve problems. Sometimes, in order for changes to happen for the better, something else or someone else must change, but not the Victim herself. This character acts as if his need is very acute, and there is no possibility of solving problems.

Goals and desires: to give up one’s territory only so that the responsibility for life can be transferred to someone else.

Dominant feelings: a feeling of strong helplessness, lack of resources for life, hopelessness, hopelessness and worthlessness. Victims usually complain that no one needs them because they are limited and wrong. They are confused, unsure of themselves, psychologically (and often physically) weak.

Thinking: I can’t take on the solution to my own problems because I’m at a dead end, I was wronged unfairly, and that’s why I’m so weak.

Benefits of being in this role

Constant attention from others, albeit negative;
receiving outside help and care;
the possibility of compassion from others;
avoidance of responsibility for one's own life;
there is no feeling of guilt due to failure to make decisions;
stabilization of self-esteem due to an advantageous position.

Disadvantages of this role

Complete lack of freedom;
loss of initiative, lack of experience for independent action;
loneliness (there is no desire to be near the victim due to the fact that his behavior causes a feeling of guilt in other people);
lack of personal growth.

Relationships with other roles:

Victim-Persecutor. The first representative cannot cope on his own, since certain actions must be taken at any moment. Therefore, she needs a pursuer so that her helplessness is fully justified. For example, an alcoholic man often uses the situation to his advantage, saying “With such a wife it’s impossible not to drink,” “It’s my friends who are to blame for my drinking.”
Victim-Rescuer. The victim needs a rescuer in order to justify the intractability of a particular situation. Then the victim begins to sabotage, hoping that nothing worked out as she originally expected.