How to get out of the victim state in a relationship with your husband? It is a known fact that in many families women become victims who cannot fully enjoy life together with a man.
The partner is constantly being manipulated, reproached, distrusted and possibly humiliated. As a result, relationships cease to be enjoyable and become the cause of an eternal bad mood and a desire to leave.
To save the family and get rid of discomfort, it is recommended that you familiarize yourself with how to get out of the victim state in your relationship with your husband.
Content:
- Why many women become “victims” Father left the family early
- Lack of love in childhood
- It's comfortable
In some relationships, Victim Syndrome can begin to develop both before marriage and in family life. A man gets used to a woman, as a result of which he stops treating her with respect and showing signs of attention.
This often happens unconsciously. If the relationship is going through a difficult period or the partners are faced with problems in everyday life, difficulties arise.
Some men, whose partners are no longer interesting to them, try to find peace in relationships with other girls. By cheating on their wife, they compensate for the love affair and try to get rid of thoughts related to problems in family life.
Coming home, the partner no longer needs to think about his wife. It becomes a routine for him. Her desires, tears, indignation become indifferent to him. He used all the energy with his mistress, which allows him to remain calm and satisfied.
There is also a type of man who shows aggression towards his partner. Such husbands are called tyrants. It is important for them that everything is under their control. To do this, they intimidate the victim, taking advantage of her fear in all necessary cases. Some women get used to this, others try to break out of the relationship or put their partner in his place.
How to stop being a victim?
Many psychologists advise not to be afraid of anything in the world and supposedly in this way a person will be able to avoid a collision with a criminal. In fact, fear is a defensive reaction; it is formed instinctively. You need to listen to him. Perhaps someone around you is behaving threateningly. In this case, you need to find out the motives for such behavior or seek help from law enforcement agencies.
True, in Russia people are not put in prison just because someone thinks that their behavior is dangerous for others. You need strong facts to prove someone else's guilt. There is no practice of preventing violence by law enforcement agencies in Russia. Psychologists sometimes justify the criminal by forcing the victim to take the blame for the violence committed against him. Although the imperfection of the victim’s character is not a reason to offend him. And the feeling of security does not arise due to the volitional qualities of the individual. It is cultivated and instilled in a person from childhood, and depends on the individual’s feelings and ability to recognize a threat in advance.
If people do not want to become victims, they need to take safety precautions. It is necessary to behave correctly with strangers, recognize danger in time, and respond quickly to it. You should not be in a state of confusion in public. A person behaving inappropriately attracts the attention of potential criminals.
How to behave in a dangerous situation and avoid becoming a victim of violence:
- do not provoke people into conflicts;
- do not wear expensive jewelry in the dark and do not walk with them in deserted places;
- if the situation seems suspicious, you need to flee;
- attract the attention of passers-by by shouting “Fire!”;
- if a person knows self-defense techniques, you can try to repel the attack.
Victims, as a rule, become accidental, due to a combination of unfavorable circumstances. True, sometimes a person has a number of qualities that subsequently make him a loser. The individual lives with the victim syndrome and derives some benefit from this state. True, the gain from suffering is questionable, but sometimes people just like it when everyone feels sorry for them. In addition, such individuals destroy themselves as individuals, do not move forward, and do not realize their abilities.
Advice from a psychotherapist to help get rid of the victim complex:
- learn to take responsibility and overcome difficulties;
- do not dwell on your own problems;
- make decisions independently and implement your plans;
- do not blame others for your failures, be able to take responsibility for your actions;
- defend your interests, do only what you want;
- don't worry about trifles.
If a person wants to get rid of the victim syndrome, those around him should help him with this. You shouldn't feel sorry for the loser. You need to constantly ask him about what he is going to do and how he will get out of a difficult situation. True, people who do not receive consolation from their interlocutor simply stop communicating with him. Instead of acting and changing his life for the better, the victim will try to find another comrade who will feel sorry for her.
Why do many women become victims?
Any girl can become a victim in a relationship. The reason for this may be the upbringing of parents, an unpleasant incident at school, or any other situation associated with pressure on the psyche. The girl could have been an active and purposeful student at the institute, but her relationship with a man radically changed her. To get rid of problems and stop being a victim, it is recommended to identify the reason why you have to put up with your husband’s orders.
Father left the family early
A girl often looks for a companion who looks like her father. A good example allows you to determine which relationships will bring happiness in the future and what mistakes can be avoided to achieve harmony. If a woman did not receive fatherly love, or her dad was an unpleasant person, she will subconsciously look for a partner who is similar to her father.
If a girl has never seen how husbands can treat their wives and children well, it is difficult for her to choose a man to live with. Disgusting and disrespectful behavior on the part of her husband will seem normal to her, since her father and mother behaved in a similar way.
A husband can only take care of himself and not pay attention to his wife. She will take it calmly and think that this is how it should be. She smiles at him when she meets him from work, fulfills his whims and tries to please him in everything.
Lack of love in childhood
Uncertainty at a conscious age can be caused by a lack of love in childhood. If a girl’s parents did not pay attention to her, did not educate her, did not care, or showed aggression, this can greatly affect her in the future. The main mistake that mom and dad could make is to compare the girl with other children who studied better, achieved greater success in sports, etc. Already an adult woman will experience discomfort and unconsciously think that everyone else is better than her, and she is worthy less.
Building a harmonious relationship with a man becomes incredibly difficult. After all, if a person does not value himself, then his partner will treat him accordingly. It is also worth noting that victims try to please their lover in everything, so they do everything to be praised. Often this reaches the point of absurdity when women go to extreme measures (forgive infidelity, endure violence, etc.).
It's comfortable
Some girls deliberately try to become a victim. This becomes a comfortable position for them. They do not need to think about solutions to problems, take responsibility, change to achieve harmony, etc. Such women blame the man for everything and expect regret from others. They don't want to leave their comfort zone. The tyrant husband becomes the one who can be blamed for everything. Partners think that it is the man who is to blame for their unhappy life, for the fact that they cannot achieve anything, etc.
Personality type 'Victim'
It's tempting to label him a "true masochist" - someone who "needs" punishment - but I don't think that's the case. People who are “victims” are as unhappy as anyone else in their position. They differ from the majority only in that childhood taught them too cruel a lesson.
Not the same
My client Lee, an attractive forty-year-old office manager, had been married twice and experienced violence both times. Her first husband worked in a sports store. He was "charming as they all" but also "really mean once you get to know him." He never physically attacked Lee, but he constantly humiliated her.
There were moments when he simply went wild and started screaming. I did everything wrong. I'm a fool. I'm "like a cow." Because of me, he did not become a store manager because the child was crying and he could not get enough sleep. This really hit my self-esteem.
After several infidelities, he left Lee with his young son and went to a “more athletic” colleague.
Second husband, sales agent...
...seemed like a real knight on a white horse, because he took me with the child. But he had serious problems with alcohol. In addition, unlike Wallace, he sometimes allowed himself to hit me, but only when he was drunk. I put up with him for four years. When he was sober, it seemed to me that everything would work out, but such periods lasted a maximum of a couple of days. When he started attacking Richie, I left.
After another five years, she finally decided to see a psychotherapist. The reason was depression: Lee had an affair for almost two years with a married man, an engineer at the factory where she worked.
I have no illusions left. Brock won't leave his wife for me. He doesn't spend as much time with me as he used to, and I'm pretty sure he's dating another co-worker. Of course, he denies everything, but he has no faith. The bad thing is that I still want him. I get asked out by other men, but it's not the same. Instead of looking around and finding someone normal, I suffer for Brock.
During our first conversation, I learned that her relationships with men who abused and neglected her began in high school. Obviously, she was stuck in the most painful and destructive type of behavior of the “weak”.
Childhood
Most of the perpetual “weaks” had one parent who was a tough, dominant person, and the other a passive one. What is remarkable about the “weak” “victims” is the price they had to pay to win the approval of the dominant parent. Lee was no exception.
My father was a real tyrant. He had very hard physical work at a shipyard, and he usually returned drunk and angry. It seems to me that he did not get along with his boss, so at home he first of all wanted to kick the dog or anyone in general. He knew how to find reasons, and everyone was always to blame except him. Even if the tire burst. His worst childhood memory was when he was looking for a bottle of whiskey that he thought must be somewhere. At first he blamed his mother. Then my sister objected to him and immediately paid for it. He attacked her, one of the brothers tried to stop him and also got his way. I couldn’t stand it and lied that I accidentally broke the bottle. He shouted at me, but said that I was the only decent person in the whole house.
The Lee family was not only dysfunctional, it was led by a man who possessed the most important quality of a “victim” parent. He was an “externalizer,” that is, a person who attributes blame for events to external factors, to other people, but never to himself.
A child who desperately tries to win the approval of such a “teacher” learns to take the blame on himself. In a dangerous world, the eternally accused little man gradually comes to believe that he is indeed guilty of something. The parent is an authoritative person and will not just blame. Like other types of “weak” children, these children become accustomed to the fact that defending themselves means asking for punishment - verbal or physical. At the same time, admitting guilt - deserved or not - allows you to get as close as possible to the approval of the “externalizing” parent. In addition, confession provides a reprieve from more severe punishment. The price of approval in such an environment is an admission of guilt.
It is difficult to imagine that a “victim” with such a difficult past could develop any strengths in interpersonal interactions. Often, leadership qualities are completely hidden under the emotional turmoil of an unhealthy relationship. But one has only to look at the results of his communication with an aggressive parent to see where the power lies and why the aggressor and the victim find each other so easily.
The specialty of the “weak”-“victim” is the master of defusing the situation. As a child, he served as a lightning rod for the irrational anger of his explosive parent. By taking the blame upon himself, he knows how to block an attack of aggression and proves that he is useful to an angry adult who is an “externalizer.” Unfortunately, this very act, which gives the “victim” a sense of need, makes him think badly of himself and believe that he deserves to be treated poorly.
In the interpersonal circle, “victim” corresponds to an overdeveloped sense of modesty. Without healthy self-confidence, it leads to insufficient self-esteem, a tendency to admit “it’s my own fault.” An overly modest child believes that he both causes anger and relieves it.
Love
Since “victims” seem to specifically avoid “good” people and choose fickle, aggressive partners, many psychotherapists consider them masochists. At first glance, Lee's relationship model also fits into this scheme. She even admitted that during her failed relationship with Brock, she rejected the advances of others.
However, from my point of view, masochism has absolutely nothing to do with it. There are several other powerful factors at work here. First of all, the self-esteem of the “victim” is greatly underestimated. She considers herself a bad person and is convinced that she does not deserve a “good” partner. (As Groucho Marx so aptly put it, “I don’t want to be a member of a club that accepts people like me.”) The “victim” lacks self-confidence, which greatly weakens his attractiveness, and “good” candidates sense this.
Another factor comes into play during the search for a romantic partner and fits well with the passion trap. The Externalizer, who blames others and looks for someone to blame his problems on, can seem charming and interesting when he finds the right partner. He knows how to present himself, because he usually has something to hide, and this makes him very seductive for the “weak” who is tired of emotional fireworks. But in fact, the “externalizer” needs a person who will meekly endure his anger and irritation. The passion trap fits perfectly into this scheme, since the “victim” feels that he cannot control the unbalanced partner, and his pain is colored by passion. This can be tragically addictive.
Recipe for Harmony
If there is aggression in your relationship, I strongly recommend that you seek professional help immediately. Unbalanced relationships are hard enough to deal with even when she's not there. However, when it is present, fear and real danger give a feeling of hopelessness. I assure you, there are more options than you can imagine. A good therapist will help you see them and use them.
If you are unsure whether a situation qualifies as violent, ask a trusted friend, relative, or doctor. Or try an exercise that will help you be more objective: imagine how you would react if another person were in the same circumstances? Do you think he puts up with too much? If this is someone important to you, would you worry about him? Or maybe you would advise breaking off the relationship? If yes, it's time to act.
If you have repeatedly found yourself in the position of “victim,” it’s time to reconsider your approach to relationships.
Firstly, be careful with handsome Romeos who turn your head with their unpredictable actions. These men appear very romantic, but, as I will discuss in the next chapter, they often lack interpersonal skills such as sensitivity and modesty. The first intoxication of the passion that such a person inspires should not be the only reason for a relationship. Moreover, passion does not justify the boundless patience with which you endure neglect and aggression. The desire you feel because you cannot influence an abusive partner is a dangerous side effect of the passion trap.
Secondly, give a good person a chance. At first, it may seem “wrong” to you, because, in your opinion, you do not deserve a good attitude. You may feel like he doesn't see the best in you. But spending time together will allow you to feel comfortable with him and begin to acquire new interpersonal skills.
When signs of aggression appear in your relationship, challenge the motto you learned as a child: “It’s always my fault.” It makes you believe that you are to blame for the abuse and that you should try to fix the relationship yourself. If this doesn't work, then you probably deserve to be treated poorly. Living by this motto allows your partner to be aggressive and makes you feel worse about yourself.
Therefore, it is absolutely necessary for you to replace the old motto with a new one: “I deserve love and respect, just like any other person.” It will help you increase your self-esteem and eliminate self-blaming behavior patterns. The new motto will draw the line that a partner should not cross, and show whether the relationship should end, and if so, when it is best to do it.
During her therapy sessions, Lee learned to have self-compassion, fight her tendency to blame herself for everything, and identify emotional imbalances.
After learning about the passion trap, she understood why she found “bad” guys more attractive than “good” guys, and why this attraction had such a high price. After several weeks of studying, planning, and rehearsing, she decided it was time to have a serious conversation with Brock. When he suggested "meeting" again, she used the non-accusatory method of communication and told him that it was over between them. She bluntly said that their romance did not meet her needs, and, despite his protests, she stood by her opinion.
Then she admitted: “It was one of the most difficult moments in my life. But defending yourself is a great feeling.”
A few months later, Lee met a decent man and began dating him. It was indeed a little unusual for her to have romantic feelings develop slowly. “I’m used to a flash of strong passion, but this time the sensations are more meaningful. Does this mean that I’m starting to like myself?”
See in the Library: Dean Delis. The paradox of passion.
personality type
Victim complex in women
A woman's victim complex begins in childhood. If her father did not show enough attention, but she sincerely loved him, she experiences a confusion of feelings. As a result, for a girl to be happy, her partner must be a tyrant and a romantic at the same time.
There are many men who like it if a woman plays the role of the victim. Such partners fulfill any whim. However, they do not think about the reasons why they do it. This happens unconsciously. Over time, claims and questions for her husband begin to accumulate. If he cannot convince the lady that he is right, she will get angry and start quarrels and scandals.
There are women who deliberately choose men with problems (alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, etc.). Such girls think that their goal in life is related to correcting a person and returning him to a normal life. As a result, they are bad at correcting their partner, and they become victims forever.
If a woman is a victim, she does not take any action to solve the problem. There are no difficulties for her. She believes that bullying, beatings, betrayals and other unpleasant situations are the norm. The man doesn’t even think about changing. He uses the girl for his own purposes. As a result, such relationships experience a cycle that repeats itself over and over again: the man uses, the woman tolerates.
Where do sacrificial scripts come from?
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All strategies are laid down in childhood. This usually happens during some traumatic event - the body strives to survive and selects the desired role. “I will be the way you want, just love me” - and now the girl becomes comfortable, she will not contradict her mother and father, she cannot refuse conditions that are unfavorable for her. At this moment, the strategy of “being comfortable” is justified, but the injury is reinforced and such behavior is repeated more and more often.
It happens that parents worked a lot, did not pay enough attention, and the child sought it by crying, whining, or feigning poor health. It is worth saying: “I am poor and unhappy, have pity on me” - and a loving mother or grandmother immediately brings hot tea with honey, strokes my head and lulls me to sleep. If such a strategy works, the child remembers it and uses it in the future and as an adult.
The victim may be constantly trying to please someone. She cannot say “no” and agrees to something that obviously does not suit her. As a child, such a child “deserved” the love and attention of his parents through good deeds. He expected praise and felt like an indispensable assistant. Now, as an adult, he loses himself if he has to refuse someone’s request, for him this is tantamount to death, because “Who, if not me?”7
The main signs of a domestic tyrant
A man who uses a woman for his own purposes and does not respect her can be easily identified. Such people may be good colleagues, loyal friends and ideal sons, but their behavior will be disgusting in private with their wife. Tyrants are often identified by the following criteria:
Humiliation.
The partner may intentionally insult the girl, pointing out existing or non-existent shortcomings. It is considered normal for him that he can publicly call her stupid, scary, etc. If a woman reacts negatively to his words, he assures her that she is too touchy and perceives everything wrong.
Constant control.
A man is constantly interested in where his wife is, what she is doing and who she is spending time with. To do this, he can call her friends, parents, and colleagues. Initially, he may assure the girl that he is just worried. However, in reality, he wants to achieve complete control over her when she asks him to take time off to go meet her friends or just go to the store.
Jealousy.
Insecure men are jealous of their partners to whomever they can. They can throw tantrums and quarrels if the wife is 10 minutes late from work. Such husbands check personal messages on social networks, SMS messages, websites viewed in the browser, etc. Such relationships are not healthy and require a solution to the problem.
Ignoring needs.
The husband does not perceive the interests and tastes of his woman. He doesn't care at all if she wants to watch her favorite show on TV. He will simply switch to another channel. In a restaurant, he will order everything to his taste. For him, his wife's hobbies and additional interests are an excess and a waste of money. As a result, the girl lives within four walls and does only what her partner needs.
Shifting the blame.
The partner cannot admit guilt in conflicts and quarrels. He blames the woman for all failures. If something didn’t work out for him, he was late or he was fired from work, he thinks that his wife is to blame. In such a relationship, the girl will begin to blame herself for everything. This will happen unconsciously.
It is important to analyze your partner and monitor his behavior. Often the signs become noticeable during conversations. The man will try to convince the lady that he is right, ask her to do something, subtly insult her, etc.
However, it is worth noting that a woman can become a victim not of her husband, but of self-deception. There are lazy and irresponsible people who blame their loved ones for everything and do not want to see themselves to blame.
How to get out of the victim role
How is the psychology of the victim formed?
Victimization, that is, the predisposition to become a victim of deception or crime, is formed for various reasons. It is generally accepted that the individual himself is to blame for the fact that he was attacked. Allegedly, due to his increased anxiety of character, he sent signals to the world indicating his inner fear. Eventually, the criminal “caught” such a signal and committed an act of violence.
In reality, everything is far from so simple. The potential victim, due to increased anxiety due to minor problems, simply ignores the signals that the world sends her about a possible attack. The individual does not hear, see or feel the situation in which he finds himself. Signals of danger threatening him simply go unnoticed. A constant desire not to pay attention to obvious facts or, conversely, an incorrect interpretation of threatening events leads to the fact that an individual sooner or later becomes a victim of violence.
The formation of such an attitude towards one’s own life and the environment is influenced by a person’s character. Many negative qualities arise in the process of improper upbringing. If parents are too protective of their child and solve all problems instead of him, the individual loses touch with reality. He consciously does not perceive a dangerous situation, subconsciously hoping that all difficulties will be resolved by his parents.
The reason for becoming a victim can also be such a character trait as excessive suspiciousness and self-doubt. If a person has low self-esteem, he does not believe that he can somehow change his life. If he is constantly offended, he does not strive to correct the situation, but only complains to everyone about his bad attitude towards himself. Pity, as a rule, causes reconciliation with the problem, rather than its resolution. Having felt sorry for himself, the individual has no choice but to come to terms with the circumstances of his difficult life. Helping him in this is such a character trait of all insecure people as quick release. In addition, one can benefit from being a victim. After all, everyone is offended, they try to help him, it’s easier for him to achieve what he wants and, ultimately, it’s easier to live.
How to get out of the victim role
If a woman does not like to fulfill all her husband’s whims and tolerate his selfish behavior, it is recommended that you familiarize yourself with information on how to stop being a victim in a relationship with your husband. To do this, below are detailed instructions with actions. You will understand how to get out of the victim state in your relationship with your husband.
Before reading the tips, it is recommended to have the courage to admit that your partner is behaving incorrectly. Some women try to do something in desperation, but end up making things worse. They cannot use all their strength and solve the problem.
It is also important to understand that the husband will begin to convince the girl, pointing out her “unstable psyche”, “mistakes made”, “wrong thinking”, etc. All this does not need to be taken into account and you do not need to listen to the words spoken. This is the manipulation that a tyrant uses.
Instructions for getting out of the victim role
Confession.
First, the girl needs to admit that she really obeyed the tyrant, carried out his tasks and adjusted to his mood. Recognition will allow you to begin to solve the problem. Now you need to take responsibility for your life and prepare for difficulties.
Internal sensations.
When you are with your husband, you need to regularly ask yourself the following question: “How am I feeling now?” If the answers are associated with negative feelings, you need to try to figure out the reason. This could be the husband’s inappropriate behavior, insults from him, etc.
Making decisions.
It is required to consider all proposals from a partner. Don’t be afraid to refuse him and behave the way you want. There is no need to follow his lead and do everything he says. If after the first refusal the husband leaves, it means that everything was done correctly. A person who used manipulation methods has passed away.
Environment.
To change for the better, you need to use advice not only in relation to your husband. Everyone takes advantage of the victim. These can be both colleagues and close friends. It is recommended to check everyone. Perhaps they also tried to find benefits in communication.
The main rule.
It is important to remember the rule: “People treat a person the way a person treats himself.” If a girl does not love herself, others will see her as a weak and uninteresting person. Many will use this for their own benefit.
Relationship.
Your relationship with your husband needs to change. Communication should be a healthy partnership in which both people respect each other. If this is not done, quarrels and conflicts will begin, and it will be difficult to find a compromise.
Self-esteem.
To change your thinking you need to work on self-esteem. It should not be underestimated or overestimated. It is important to follow the rule of the golden mean. Then it will be much easier to react to your husband’s behavior.
Responsibility.
To increase your importance in a relationship, you need to take responsibility for everyday problems, actions taken, etc.
The man must also understand that he behaved incorrectly. Otherwise you will have to part with him. However, this solution to the problem is recommended to be used only after all other methods have been used.
You can always change your relationship for the better and achieve harmony with your loved one. If a partner threatens to leave, insults and uses force, it is necessary to draw conclusions about him. Perhaps he is inadequate.
How to recognize a victim in yourself
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Interestingly, the victim can be recognized by his posture. She always sits slouched, hunched over, so as to take up less space in space. We don't take into account moments when the back is simply tired - we need to look at constantly repeating behavior over a long period of time.
Pay attention to the speech. The victim has it with characteristic “whining” intonations, and parasitic words often slip through it: horror, nightmare, I can’t work in such an environment, I’m unlucky, why does this always happen only to me, I can’t do this, I myself it's all my fault. Try to notice what people around you and yourself say. Phrases program our thinking, and then it begins to seem to us that everything is really going badly: bad weather every day, constant troubles at work and in our personal lives. But we must remember that lamenting and looking for excuses is always easier than trying to solve the problem.
Observe people, their behavior and gait: in others, the types of behavior characteristic of the victim are always more visible. The victim always walks with his head down, he has an unsteady gait, he always bumps into someone or gets in the way, steps on someone’s feet, falls over, and cannot separate from passers-by the first time. The role of the victim can also be judged by her clothes: such a woman often wraps herself in oversized clothes, not because it is fashionable and comfortable, but because it is safe in the cocoon, choosing dark shades so as not to attract attention.
