Any married couple sooner or later faces difficulties that can lead to the destruction of their relationship. The fading of former passion, the disappearance of love leads to frequent quarrels between spouses.
How do you understand that it’s time to get a divorce and there is no way to revive the marital relationship? Today we will try to figure this out.
The most common causes of divorce in modern families
Now people have a lot of ways to meet each other, get to know each other as closely as possible and study each other's characters and interests. However, marriages continue to fall apart. We decided to ask the expert a question about the possible reasons for divorce that people indicate in their applications. According to her, the first reason is the wrong choice of partner.
“Many people do not know how to choose the right marriage partner. In fact, many people have incorrect criteria for choosing a marriage partner. In their youth, many people motivate themselves due to hormonal background or some other factors, but when they come together, it turns out that they are completely different and completely unsuitable for each other. For this reason, many conflicts and quarrels arise.”
The second reason, according to the specialist, is loss of perceptual acuity. A woman or man who gets married relaxes, stops caring for themselves, and thereby discourages their partner’s interest. The psychologist explained that there is such a thing as an “advertising campaign,” which manifests itself at the stage of building relationships. During dates, partners try to please each other and show only their positive sides. However, after the wedding, the character of each of them emerges.
Another reason for divorce can be called upbringing itself. This aspect is much deeper. For example, daughters very often repeat the unlucky fate of their mothers and are unable to build a personal life. While men may simply be afraid of women because of grafted complexes.
The list of reasons for divorce does not end there. There may be a loss of interest in a partner, a reluctance to work on the relationship, or simple betrayal.
“As a rule, 80% of divorces occur due to the fact that the wrong partner was chosen.”
Consultation with a psychologist - cost
Tip nine. You really don't like your current situation, lifestyle, job, and so on. “It’s better to fail at something you really like than to succeed at something you hate.” Don't let someone who gave up on their dreams rob you of yours. The best thing you can do with your life is to follow your heart. To risk. Don't take the path of least resistance just because you're afraid of what might happen. For on this path nothing will happen to you at all, ever. Take risks, make mistakes, learn from them - it's worth it. Yes, climbing to the top of the mountain is not easy, but when you get there, you will realize that it was worth every drop of blood, tears and sweat.
Tip ten. You understand that the past will not let you go, and you continue to live by it. “Sooner or later you will forget about your heartache, you will forget about what made you cry and those who caused you pain.” Sooner or later you will realize that the key to happiness and freedom is not in power, and certainly not in revenge, but in letting life take its course and learning everything you can from it. After all, in the end, the most important chapter of your life will not be the first, but the last, in which you will understand how well the entire story of your life was written. So let go of the past, free yourself, and open your mind to the possibilities that bring new relationships and invaluable experiences.
The one thing you should never let go of is hope. Remember what you deserve and keep moving forward. Believe that one day all the pieces of the mosaic will fit together. Your life will be filled with happiness and contentment, even if not quite as you imagined. And then you will look back at your life, smile, and ask yourself: “How did I manage to do all this”?
Statistics: from marriage to divorce
During a conversation with a specialist, we asked the question how long on average it takes from marriage to divorce. According to her, there really are critical dates in a relationship: 7 years, 3 years, and so on.
As a rule, people break up after such a time that they begin to understand that they are different people and are not suitable for each other. For some, this insight may occur a month after the wedding, for others as a result of the realization of betrayal. Everything here is purely individual.
The expert emphasized that those couples who have lived with each other for 15 or even 20 years are not protected from divorce. This is explained by the fact that in their youth the partners had different selection criteria, which changed greatly over time.
In addition, the economic situation also greatly influences marriage. This question is very relevant during a pandemic, when many are losing their jobs and simply cannot feed their families. Constant thoughts about money and financial problems have a destructive effect on a marriage and cause frequent conflicts in the family, and consequently lead to divorce.
How to survive betrayal, should you immediately file for divorce?
The most common theory that describes the stages of awareness and acceptance of a sad event is considered to be the theory of the American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who worked with people with cancer in the last stages of the disease.
Her theory includes the following periods:
- Negation.
- Bargain.
- Aggression.
- Depression.
- Adoption
How are you experiencing:
- At first you completely deny the betrayal. “This can’t happen” is repeated over and over again.
- Maybe this is a mistake? Doubts arise, the subconscious gives you a chance to slightly dull the pain and resentment that was caused to you.
- Then bitter resentment, jealousy and hatred will torment the psyche. Well, the truth is accepted, admit your experiences - and don’t be afraid, this is a natural reaction of the psyche. Cry, break the dishes, hang a photograph of the traitor on the wall - and do with it as you please. You just need to deal with aggression by expelling it from your consciousness. You will definitely want to pack your things and leave the hated house, or pack your husband’s suitcases and throw them out the door. But under no circumstances make any serious decisions! You may very much regret any of them later. You are simply not yet ready for conscious steps and actions.
- Well, the truth is accepted, acknowledge your experiences - and don’t be afraid to share them. After a period of aggression, depression sets in. Don't refuse any support.
Practical advice
By the way, a good idea is to look for forums where many women, deceived by their husbands, share their stories and experiences. Maybe such recognition and empathy will help you come to terms with your grief faster.
You can also find psychological help there. When you don’t want to share your grief with family and friends, this advice is an ideal option.
You can express your thoughts on paper - write down everything you experience. This is also a good psychological technique.
Work or rest may help.
Each woman experiences the stage of shock and aggression differently: for some it can last 2 weeks, while others will survive it in 1 night.
During a period of depression, the deceived spouse begins to torment herself with endless questions, the main one of which is “why did this happen? How long did the love affair last, who is she?” Sometimes a woman tries to find answers to these questions.
Someone begins to follow the husband, playing detective, trying to talk with the homewrecker, trying to get any information about the spouse’s contacts and his movements. Well, that's their right.
But, as a rule, total control over the husband’s personal life leads to nothing. This will only cause aggression on the part of the cheater, and the situation will worsen even more. Moreover, from the side of your nervous system.
The wife will probably begin to delve into herself, taking part of the blame upon herself, because, as they say, “there is no smoke without fire.” But try to convince yourself that you are an absolute victim, that the one who cheated is to blame.
By the way, the opinions of psychologists differ radically on this issue. Some of them argue that, indeed, both partners are to blame. The other half admits that only the cheater should be condemned.
Therefore, the treatment methods used (provided that the injured party turns to a psychologist) are radically opposite. If the wife chooses to play the victim, she may return to psychological problems. If he shares the blame, he can fall into the web of self-flagellation, and the feeling of guilt, again, will lead to a depressive state.
Divorce of a family with a child
If divorce cannot be avoided, how will this process affect the child? How can the child himself influence the circumstances? These are the questions asked by many couples who have decided to separate. According to the psychologist, the divorce process really becomes more complicated if there are children in the family.
“Of course it becomes more complicated, both legally and psychologically. Because here children are already involved, who at the time of their parents’ divorce receive a certain psychological trauma - the child suffers, his psyche does not understand why this happens. Plus, in the future, it will be very difficult for children to get used to their parents’ new partners and establish contact with them.”
How to avoid divorce
Not every case is hopeless, so partners can try to save the relationship and refuse divorce. We asked our specialist to share ideas on how people can avoid divorce. According to her, a mutual decision to get out of this unpleasant situation is very important, because if attempts come from only one person, then it is unlikely that the divorce process will be stopped.
“As a rule, contacting a professional psychologist helps. Nowadays, couples can seek family counseling, during which specialists work first with the woman, then with the man, and then conduct couples work. Of course, there are always chances, but you need to understand that if a couple has accumulated a lot of grievances and complaints, then separate work should be carried out to eliminate all negative emotions. Without it, the prism of the relationship is greatly distorted and prevents the couple from reuniting.”
In addition, the specialist advised the spouses to always take care of themselves - it is important to control your mood, maintain a toned figure, take care of your appearance and always solve problems as they arise. This will help not only avoid divorce, but also prevent thoughts about it from arising at all.
What can you do to make it easier to get through a divorce?
These helpful tips are a summary of the life experiences of hundreds of women who experienced divorce and were able to start a new life. These recommendations have proven effective even in the most difficult situations and will definitely help you.
- Don't hold back your emotions . If you want to cry, cry, if you want to scream, scream. Find a way to fully express your feelings so that your soul remains empty for several hours or even days. Take up boxing, run a few kilometers, go on an extreme vacation, break things left over from your husband. After the emotions go away, over time you will feel the desire to fill your life with something new.
- Sincerely forgive and release your ex-husband from your life. This is not as easy as it seems; it will require some willpower on your part. Yes, it’s a pity that your love story ended this way, but no one knows what surprises fate will bring to you in the future. By letting go of the past, we make room in our hearts for new love.
- Don't try to get rid of loneliness at any cost . Don’t clutter your life with random acquaintances and communication that you don’t want at all. At first, loneliness will become a panacea for you; it will help you understand yourself and analyze your thoughts, feelings, emotions and outline the direction of further development.
- However, too much time alone Spend at least one day off a week with family and close friends. Visit public places and entertainment venues, go out into nature. This way you will take your mind off sad thoughts and get new impressions. Looking at your surroundings, you will understand that life has not stopped. If you have children, spend as much time with them as possible.
- After a divorce, it is very useful to change the situation and go to another city to visit relatives or on vacation with children on the sea coast. There is a high probability that after your trip you will return as a completely different person.
- Become better than you were . If divorce is a new stage in life, then set yourself up for positive changes. Now is the time to start making your long-standing dreams come true. Change what you wanted in yourself, for example, change your image, sign up for interesting courses, renovate your apartment. Set a goal and move towards it every day.
- Take care of your appearance . Surely the difficult period of divorce affected not only your state of mind, but also your appearance. Now is the time to join the beauty salon and gym to get back in shape. When you wake up in the morning, you should see a beautiful and successful woman in the mirror.
- Don't think about how the fate of your ex-husband will turn out . Do not ask mutual friends and children about his life, do not follow him on social networks. Try to clear your apartment of things that remind you of your past relationship. If you remember your ex-husband, then mentally thank him every time for all the good moments that you experienced together. This will help you get into a positive mood after sad thoughts.
Divorce in most cases means drastic changes in life. For better or for worse, it's up to you to decide. Even if you loved your spouse very much, even if you are in unbearable pain and you are morally crushed, you should accept the changes coming into your life. No one knows what will happen next, what fate awaits you and your ex-husband. Perhaps this painful stage is necessary for new people, events and relationships to enter your life. After a divorce, you will never be the same: your character will change and become stronger, you will gain life experience and wisdom.
Several secrets of family happiness
And of course, where would we be without advice! We asked a psychologist to share the secrets of true family happiness, thanks to which a marriage can not only be preserved, but also bring a lot of pleasant moments into it.
“First of all, you need to learn how to resolve conflicts correctly. One way or another they will be present, because this is life. But if you learn to talk, communicate and listen to each other correctly, then serious offenses will be avoided.”
As another option, the expert suggested creating as many traditions, holidays, trips, picnics and generally pleasant moments in the family as possible, thanks to which all family members could get together and have a good time. Such moments not only bring partners closer together, but also have a positive impact on the overall perception of family life.
It is also important to monitor your intimate life, not lose emotional contact with your partner, look for common activities and interests, praise and always try to support each other. Then family life will be harmonious and truly happy.
