Depression after a divorce from your husband: how to survive and overcome

Divorce statistics do not add much optimism for family life. After only five years from the moment of marriage, about half of young families break up. Therefore, divorce itself is a completely common occurrence, although this does not mean that it does not cause psychological trauma. After a divorce from a husband, depression most often sets in. This is also nothing unusual. But getting out of it, experiencing such a state and overcoming it for a new life is not an easy task.

Causes

There are plenty of reasons for depression after divorce. Two dear and loving people have been married for several years, and now they have to completely change the way of their lives. For women this becomes a whole problem:

firstly, she was left without a man who had been her support for a long time;
secondly, she feels unnecessary if the initiative to divorce came from her husband;
thirdly, if there were children in the marriage, then the mother worries how they will be raised in a dysfunctional family;
fourthly, she is forced to change her everyday habits, outlook on life, and behavior;
fifthly, divorce brings so many additional problems that can weaken her, fatigue accumulates, she loses self-confidence, as a result of which she can fall into a long-term disorder - depression.

If we take at least one of the listed reasons, then this is already enough for a person to go into a mental disorder, and if several points are observed at once, then negative emotions turn into depression. It is very important not to let this process take its course, to find motivating factors. After all, we all know that severe nervous shocks affect the condition of the entire body and can lead to serious health problems.

Family liquidation: features of the process

A change in the status of a family also leads to a change in roles, and the lifestyle of each member changes.

After the decision has been made (this applies to the previous phase), the next stage begins - planning the destruction of the family.

The situation is complicated by the presence of a high level of emotional tension, which makes its own adjustments, often negative, to solving this problem.

The first component is represented by emotional divorce, which is characterized by the collapse of illusions about family life, a feeling of despair and alienation of the spouses. In this case, disputes often arise, and a transformation of the emotional attachment of both partners occurs.

Another important aspect of the divorce phase is economic. This applies to the division of property, economic support for each other, especially if there are children. The physical side of divorce is the need for separation of family members.

The social side of the phase is represented by a change in the family structure, the roles of partners and their social status change. The social circle becomes different, as regards the spouses’ parents and mutual family friends. Another important component concerns parenting. In this case, the spouses reach agreements on this issue, problems are resolved in preparing the children for this fact and their upbringing in the future, that is, after the divorce.

Symptoms

Like any other stress, a woman’s post-divorce condition is severe. Most often, such depression is accompanied by the following symptoms:

apathy towards everything that happens;
reluctance to work;
indifference;
feeling of helplessness;
chronic fatigue;
inappropriate behavior;
strong feeling of resentment;
the impossibility of doing without psychotropic and sedative medications;
low self-esteem;
aggressive reaction to criticism;
sudden change of mood;
the appearance of hypochondria for no apparent reason;
inability to concentrate;
lack of interest in life;
the emergence of dependence on bad habits - alcohol, tobacco or drug addiction;
the occurrence of thoughts of suicide.

This is a typical manifestation of depression. The main thing here is that the above symptoms do not turn into prolonged depression, which is not only very difficult to get rid of, but other side effects may also appear - health problems, dismissal from work, lack of mutual understanding with the child, conflicts with relatives and friends, split personality, other.

Pathologies

Prolonged depression is a mental disorder that lasts more than a month continuously. If the symptoms listed above are present, nervous disorders directly affect your overall well-being and health. This can lead to serious consequences and severe pathologies. If temporary stress after a divorce lasts for a very long time, then you need to think about whether it has already turned into clinical depression. And it can provoke disturbances in the functioning of the nervous, cardiovascular and digestive systems. What can we say about those cases when a woman has real thoughts of suicide.

If you understand that you cannot get rid of negative thoughts on your own, then it is better to seek help from a specialist, otherwise the consequences may be irreversible. Think not only about yourself, but also about your loved ones.

Depression after divorce from husband: what are the prospects?

As we have said here more than once, the consequences of divorce do not go away quickly. For some they disappear before a year, while for others they last two years. Moreover, even if you do nothing, the pain of parting will still pass. Only then will it leave not the most pleasant consequences in the soul. Therefore, be sure to try to get rid of bad feelings, seek support, take care of yourself and do what you love. Everything will definitely pass. And that too.

Is it possible to avoid depression?

In this matter, the main thing is not to deceive yourself, recognize the situation in which you find yourself, and want to change your life for the better. You must understand that if you fall into depression, it will affect not only you personally and your health, but also the people around you, your work, your child. In addition, depression will not solve your problems, only you yourself can change your life with sound thoughts, and perhaps it will become much better than with a spouse who, for various reasons, no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. If you have a hard time at heart, then do not remain silent about the problem, communicate with a person who understands and supports you, do not immerse yourself in a series of negative thoughts from morning to evening and think that this is not the worst thing that could happen to you. Only the right attitude will help avoid long-term depression.

Post-divorce stage: features of the period

This stage is a separate phase of divorce and represents several periods related to the phase of restructuring and stabilization of relationships.

At this moment, the emotional and financial crisis is overcome, associated with the disruption of the usual rhythm of life and relationships, the formation of new roles and the formation of a different financial structure.

The turning point of this phase is perestroika, which is characterized by the completion of the emotional crisis. A new stage in the relationship between husband and wife, now ex-wife, is being formed. The nature of the relationship can be either friendly or neutral. However, there may be strong fluctuations psychologically, reaching euphoria or depression.

During the stabilization phase, the problems of the former family will end, since the crises have already been overcome. A partnership is established between the spouses, and the way is opened for raising children together. Often at this stage, one of the spouses enters into a new marriage, which indicates the elimination of grievances that arose during the termination of family relationships.

Thus, the stages of divorce are represented by several phases, which generally characterize the process of liquidating a family and overcoming the difficulties that have arisen. They may concern the introduction of new economic relations, since the old ones are destroyed, and new roles in raising children.

How does it affect life and health?

All of the above symptoms cannot but affect the life of a divorced woman. If you do not take control of the situation, the consequences may be as follows.

Job

No employer will tolerate for long if an employee performs his or her job poorly or incompletely due to internal worries. As a result of decreased productivity and deterioration in professional qualities, a woman may simply be fired, and this will not add joyful colors to an already dull situation. Therefore, it is very important to get together, especially since for many people work is the only way out of a stressful situation, in order to think as little as possible about what happened.

Children

If a couple had children in a marriage, then after a divorce they most often remain with their mother. Her unbalanced mental state can directly affect the children, but they are not to blame for anything. And think for yourself, do they want to see their mother crying all the time? Let your children become an incentive for you to achieve new achievements.

Friends

The support of friends is often the main consolation in severe mental disorders. Therefore, you should not blame them for anything, be offended, or sharply express your opinion about their thoughts, since you can be left without communication with them and support, which will only worsen your state of mind. Friends can come up with a variety of entertainment - games, going to the cinema, meeting new people, going to a restaurant. Pleasant communication brings joy to the soul and puts thoughts in the right direction.

Health

Health always suffers with severe nervous shock. And if they are prolonged, then the consequences cannot be avoided. During depression, women may complain of severe headaches, weakened immunity, compression in the chest, abnormal blood pressure, panic attacks, decreased ability to work, dizziness, colds that are difficult to fight, gastrointestinal disorders, unusual skin rashes, and that’s far from it. not the whole list. This is how the body tries to protect itself from stress, having a negative impact on other organs. You have to take various kinds of medications, which affect not only your financial situation, but also the functioning of your kidneys and liver. Therefore, such sad consequences cannot be neglected, because health problems will not allow you to start a full, happy life after a divorce.

Help from a psychologist after divorce

A psychologist is a guide who is able to provide help and support in passing this difficult path. An experienced psychologist will protect you from possible mistakes, help you replenish your strength and build a constructive dialogue with yourself, and work through the whole gamut of feelings that accompany a person during this difficult time.

A psychologist will help:

look at the future without fear
realize your true desires and needs
understand how you really want to build your future life
move on to a new stage of life

Patterns of the post-divorce period

Prolonged depression can be divided into several stages, each of which is characterized by a certain emotional and mental state.

Negation

This stage involves the activation of the body’s protective function against stress, in which we cannot come to terms with what happened, so it is easier for us not to believe that connections with a certain person have ceased.

Anger

Despite the fact that it is easier for us to deny the consequences and the very fact of divorce, subconsciously we understand what really happened, as a result of which we become embittered and this reaction can manifest itself even towards close people who are not involved in it.

A chance to restore relationships

When depression begins to make us so angry that we cannot put up with it, thoughts creep into our minds: “Maybe it will be possible to establish relationships again?” And then the woman either begins to take some action towards reconciliation, or simply desperately lives with these thoughts.

Depression

A period of depression sets in again when the previous stage was not successful. The woman again returns to her original state, she is not satisfied with everything and she does not want to put up with it, so she again becomes angry, irritable, and exhausted.

Adaptation

After being depressed for a long time, a woman comes to the understanding that nothing can be taken back, so she needs to be aware of the fact of divorce, accept it and start living again. This is the only way to overcome depression: on your own or with the help of a psychologist, rearrange your thoughts in the right way. By finding the strength to accept the consequences of divorce, you can also find the strength to face a new future.

Why do you need help from experienced psychologists?

It’s worth noting right away that the help of a psychologist during and after divorce is needed by all family members, and first of all by the spouse who is being abandoned. Moreover, if this came as a surprise to him, and he is completely against divorce, since he still loves his spouse very much. A psychologist will be able to give him important advice on how to survive a divorce, which, in his opinion, is a real betrayal on your part.

After a divorce, it is especially difficult for female representatives who are left with a child in their arms. Women abandoned by their husbands face many problems, ranging from financial difficulties to a feeling of uncertainty and fear of being alone. For women, getting help from a psychologist after a divorce is especially important.

But going through a divorce is not easy for the initiator of the separation. He will also suffer emotionally, and a pressing sense of responsibility for what happened will torment him constantly. But an experienced psychologist, of course, will be able to provide him with qualified assistance.

And of course, the most affected party in a divorce needs the help of psychologists the most - children who cannot fully understand what is happening, and more than others feel a sense of guilt for what happened. Psychological assistance not provided to a child in a timely manner can become a serious trauma for the still undeveloped psyche, and as a result, completely destroy the future life of the little person.

According to statistics, people have to spend 3 to 5 years of their life recovering from a divorce without the professional help of a psychologist, and in some situations, even 10 years is not enough. A consultation with a psychologist makes it possible to reduce this period by at least half. In addition, a specialist will help you cope with the breakup easier or avoid it altogether if there is still a chance to improve the situation.

In other words, get out of this difficult everyday situation with minimal losses for yourself and your loved ones.

How to deal with depression

Divorce can occur for two reasons. Depending on who initiated the breakup, depression has one or another character.

If the initiator is one of the spouses

When the decision to divorce is not made mutually, but at the request of only one spouse, then the whole flurry of negative emotions falls on the shoulders of the second spouse, especially if he was categorically against it. This is where the stage of “denial” comes and the decision to return everything back. However, if the fact of divorce has already been recorded and the second spouse still cannot start an independent life, stuck in thoughts about a past life and unwillingness to put up with what is happening, then it would be best to seek the help of a specialist who will offer several options for dealing with depression.

If you evaluate the reviews of divorced women, most advise going completely to work, and when the fervor subsides a little, then loving yourself again.

If the divorce is by mutual consent

If the divorce occurred by the decision of both spouses, then the situation here is a little different, since both the husband and wife understand that there is no point in continuing to fight for this “format” of the family or they no longer have feelings for each other. This can happen immediately after painting, if a woman and a man made the wrong choice, or after several years of marriage, when past values and feelings have been lost. This situation is experienced much easier and faster, since even before the official breakup, we have already come to terms with the idea that divorce cannot be avoided. However, even in such cases, the gap may be accompanied by depression.

Options for contacting a family psychologist about divorce

There are several most common options for seeking psychological help from a family psychologist in connection with a divorce.

The first option is that one of the spouses wants a divorce, the second wants to save the marriage and resorts to the help of a family psychologist as one of the last options. It is unlikely that in this case a family psychologist will help save such a marriage. Perhaps the only thing he can do is help a person survive and accept the inevitability of divorce.

The second option is more favorable - both spouses doubt the need for divorce. Although family life has reached a dead end, they strive to get out of it. And a family psychologist can really help them with this.

The next fairly common problem is separation from a partner. People come to the consultation who no longer hope to get their partner back, and they are worried about the problem of how to move on, how to “fall out of love,” how to adapt to life without hope of reciprocity. In this case, the family psychologist will help to overcome the feelings of resentment, loss, guilt, etc., experienced by the client. Only after this the client is able to intellectually master the situation, understand something and change his own behavior. After this, you can move on to planning other aspects of life and searching for resources for a further fulfilling life.

Divorce, in the view of many experts, is not an event, but a process that begins with the spouses assessing the possibility of getting a divorce and ends when both partners create their own independent lifestyle. In this process, the help of a family psychologist is simply necessary.

Legal divorce is only part of the whole process. This process consists of two main stages: the decision stage and the restructuring stage. The first stage ends with the decision to divorce. The second stage consists of five separate processes occurring in parallel. These include the emotional, legal, economic, parental, and social aspects of divorce. The process ends with achieving independence from the former spouse and former family. An important result is the achievement of an adequate level of cooperation between former spouses in matters of raising children who live with one of them.

Advice from psychologists on how to survive a divorce

We have repeatedly emphasized that if you cannot cope with long-term depression on your own, then it is best to seek help from a psychotherapist. So, let's look at what it has to offer:

Make the most of your free time. If you have a job, then great. Try to delve deeper into the work process, translate your thoughts, and surrender to professionalism. This will not only allow you to step back a little from the divorce, but it will also be possible to achieve significant results in your career growth. If there is no work, then take care of the interior of the apartment, make repairs, rearrange furniture, throw away unnecessary things.
Talk to people more. Give time to your friends, relatives and colleagues, don’t close yourself off in your “world”, let your thoughts out, talk about it if you want. It's good if you make new acquaintances. Some women advise finding someone with the same problem and sharing their experiences with each other. However, experts sometimes find another version, on the contrary, to meet a stranger and present yourself as you would like to see yourself - strong, independent, confident, without tears or regret that you were abandoned.
Sport clears the mind. After physical activity we feel lighter. This is why psychologists often advise finding time and energy to play sports during depression. Plus, if you sign up for group classes, you can make new friends and also improve your physical fitness. Pilates, callanetics, and yoga are especially suitable for women. In the process of playing sports, the body produces happiness hormones.
Hobby. Do things that you didn’t have time for before or that your spouse forbade you to do, for example, learning English, skiing, going to the cinema or museum.
Take time for your beauty. To regain self-confidence and believe that other men can like you too, you need to take care of your appearance. This will not only make you feel attractive and increase self-esteem, but also relax. If possible, try to visit a beauty salon, spa, swimming pool, solarium, etc. You will relax not only your body, but also your soul.
Diet. Many women try to overcome depression with food, eating 24 hours a day, which only worsens their appearance and, together with stress, puts a strong strain on the body. Try on the contrary, switch to proper nutrition. It will cleanse the body, give lightness and energy, and correct unwanted centimeters in the figure.

Remember that no one will do this for you and the success of any endeavor depends only on how much you want it.

The most important thing when a person is faced with any unwanted situation is to understand that you are not the only one, and many women found themselves in the same situation, coped with it and continue to live. And perhaps their situation is even worse than yours. Try to come out with dignity from circumstances that are not comfortable for you. Remember that the longer you stay depressed, the more difficult it will be to return to normal life.

Stages of grief during divorce

Psychologists distinguish several emotional stages:

Shock, denial

First comes the reaction of stupor. The woman does not understand well what is happening. She cannot believe that this happened to her, so the shock provokes denial of the situation. At such a time, a woman is not herself, but she still does not fully understand that she is left alone. At the same time, the lady is not distinguished by her sanity. As a rule, at such a moment it is very difficult for her to control her own emotions. It is at this stage, being in an absolutely inadequate state, that a woman can decide to act rashly. Therefore, her loved ones need to accompany her everywhere, to be with her. The shock passes and denial sets in (“This is not happening to me”). That's when the first calm comes. True, it is false, because it is built on a myth, not on reality.

Negativism (resentment, anger)

This stage of separation is characterized by manifestations of resentment and anger towards your ex-spouse. The woman begins to remember what bad things her husband has done throughout his life: where he offended, when he humiliated, what else he was guilty of before her. All this results in anger and rage, in accusing him of all sins (“I am for you, and you are for me...”, “you always thought only about yourself...”, “how did I not notice before...”, etc. .). At such moments, the wife remembers what previously seemed normal. She seems to see the light and begins to look at things differently. This stage is dangerous because a woman may come to the conclusion that she wasted her time on her ex-husband and begin to blame herself. And this leads to inevitable depression. Close people need to understand the specifics of such a period and try to convince the woman that life goes on as it goes. Nothing happens for nothing. This means that this period of her life together with her husband was supposed to happen, but now it’s over. And there is nothing tragic here.

Blaming yourself

See also:
What to do if I don’t love my husband and don’t want to live with him: advice from a psychologist in a relationship crisis

Then, when the anger and pain subside, an equally dangerous stage for the woman begins - blaming herself. But these are no longer the same accusations when she decided that she wasted her time on her ex-husband. Here the woman begins to remember the good moments of life together - this happens to almost everyone. And it occurs to her that she is also to blame for the divorce. But everything could have been different if not... And then it begins. “If only I had been a little more compliant!”, “It would have been better if I had behaved differently then (and then)!”, “I shouldn’t have worn that dress, he didn’t want to!” etc. Yes, yes, it even comes to that! Endless self-blame can lead to the fact that a suffering woman begins to think about how to return her husband’s old feelings and what else can be done for this. At such moments, she even decides to call him or look for a meeting with him. And under no circumstances should you do this. Such a reaction will lead nowhere. Most likely, the ex-husband has been living his own life for a long time. Divorce for him is final. And a woman, of course, should not humiliate herself and ask for anything. Therefore, it is important for close people to be close to her during this period, to distract her from thoughts about her own past failure in marriage, about the fact that everything can be returned.

Adoption

When the period of self-flagellation is over, the woman gradually begins to come to her senses. She becomes calmer and thinks more clearly. And finally, she realizes that she has an ex-husband and accepts herself as a divorced woman. On the one hand, in such a period real depression can begin, because she fully realizes her role, her new position, and this makes her even sadder. On the other hand, illusions are behind us, and a meeting with reality is inevitable. And the sooner this acceptance of the situation as it is, the better. When a woman accepts herself as a divorcee, oddly enough, it becomes easier for her, and she is already on the way to a new life, although, as a rule, she herself does not yet understand this.

Getting out of negative emotions

It is at this stage that we get rid of all the negativity that accompanied the woman throughout the breakup and divorce. It happens that she seems to scream out, for a moment becomes devastated, and then comes to life again. And ready to return to life. The good point here is also that the woman comes out of the negative, anger, resentment, anger, hatred and other similar feelings leave her. This is how full acceptance begins, based on awareness of the real situation. And the woman understands that this is only a segment of her life, that this is what happened and that’s all. And no one is to blame for anything anymore.