The place of family psychology in the system of psychological knowledge

Stages of development of family relationships between husband and wife

Family relationships are not a static state, but a continuously developing process. Crises and conflicts are as much a part of it as love or respect. Any development is unthinkable without abandoning old forms and rules, so spouses need to be prepared for changes. Any couple goes through several stages of a relationship, each of which lasts several months or years:

1. Falling in love or the “candy-bouquet” period. This is the time when a man and a woman try to conquer each other and, under the influence of passion, tend to idealize and have high expectations for family life. The shortcomings of the other half are either not noticed at all or are perceived biasedly. A significant role is given to external data, behavior, and social status of the partner.
2. Getting used to it or getting used to it. The couple has already been living together for some time, and everyone’s priorities, life values ​​and interests come to the fore. Inconsistencies in these matters put two people in a position of opposition; quarrels and conflicts are a frequent companion in relationships. If a man or woman is unable to accept and understand each other, divorce is inevitable.
3. Compromises. If the couple has successfully overcome the previous stage, the time has come for stable family relationships. This does not always guarantee satisfaction for both partners, because... compromise in the family is achieved in different ways (equality, submission, humility, pressure, etc.) - each spouse chooses and plays his role, which suits everyone to one degree or another.
4. Ordinary and routine. Gradually, family relationships lose passion and become predictable. Boredom in communication is just as dangerous as an explosion of emotions in the previous ones. Spouses get tired of each other, lose the point of continuing family relationships, and begin to look for adventures on the side.
5. Mature family. If a man and woman have successfully overcome the first 4 levels, the time comes for conscious family relationships, which are not always based on love. Often, the cement of such relationships is mutual respect, experience of overcoming difficulties together, common interests (including material ones), as well as fear of loneliness.

Intimate relationships

Intimate relationships between spouses play a huge role in the well-being of the family . Most divorces occur precisely because of problems in the intimate sphere, which often lead to a whole complex of mutual claims and grievances.

Intimate problems usually arise in families after several years of marriage, when spouses, under the influence of a large number of everyday problems, cease to be interested in each other.

In place of love and attraction comes habit, which turns spouses into partners and friends.

Prosperous family relationships can only develop for those couples who have initial compatibility in the intimate sphere and make efforts to maintain interest in each other during family life.

Crises in the family

A crisis in family life is an inevitable transition to a new stage of relationships. There is no need to be afraid of this, but it is worth preparing, learning to make concessions and taking responsibility if you have the goal of saving your family. Experts identify several periods of family relationships:

• The first year of family life is when internal and external boundaries of the family are formed and established, and the characters and habits of men and women are adjusted.
• From the 3rd to the 5th year - as a rule, at this time the first child appears, the housing issue is resolved, and joint expensive property is acquired. There is a redistribution of roles (spouses-parents), new responsibilities and new responsibilities appear. Falling in love develops into friendship or habit.
• From the 7th to the 9th year - the children grew up, everything “settled down”. There appears fatigue from each other, satiety in sex and joint habits, a sense of routine in everyday life and communication, disappointment in expectations that were not realized.
• From the 15th to the 20th year - children grow up and separate from the parental family, their career reaches a certain peak. There is a feeling that everything has been achieved, it is unclear where to move next. This period often coincides with a midlife crisis in a man or woman (40 years old), which also gives rise to uncertainty in future relationships.

Adultery (Why do spouses cheat on each other)

Cheating can happen at any stage of a family relationship. Occasionally, the reason for a man’s drinking spree becomes banal physical attraction combined with low moral principles (when the desire to get pleasure “here and now” exceeds the sense of family duty to his wife). However, much more often, factors such as:

• sexual dissatisfaction or boredom in bed;
• lack of self-confidence, the need to recognize one’s attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex;
• lack of spiritual intimacy, mental loneliness, when “there is no one to talk to”;
• violation of personal space, the need to feel free;
• tense family situation, need for psychological release, need to relieve stress;
• need for protection: the family is not a support system, one of the partners does not feel stability (in money or feelings) and tries to find it on the side.

If a person receives everything he needs in a family relationship (love, respect, sexual satisfaction, recognition, understanding, care, physical and mental rest, stability), the desire to look for someone on the side does not arise. Not everyone is able to forgive betrayal, but trying to prevent such a turn of events is the task of both spouses.

Chapter 1. Normative crises of the family - overview of situations

Family as a system

The flourishing of family psychology coincided with the development of cybernetics, and many of the terms of family psychology, although not borrowed from cybernetics and computer science, are consonant with these understandings. For example, the first basic statement of family psychology, with which the authors absolutely agree, is that a family is a system. A family is not the sum of individuals, but something more, something much more. In a family, all its members are connected to each other, and this connection, these relationships are exactly what will be the focus of the book.

I would like to explain how we understand what a system is. There is one illustrative example: a family is a system of communicating vessels. Let's say, if one of the spouses is in the red or at zero, then all the other family members, in order to somehow help him and level out his emotional state, will make certain conscious or unconscious efforts, and, perhaps, the mood of that those who are in the red will improve, but those who helped him may also slightly lower the level of their own emotional comfort.

When psychology and psychotherapist students are taught, they are shown a wonderful exercise that was invented by the American psychotherapist Virginia Satir. In order to understand how interconnected family members are and what a family system is, people present at the lesson are offered a simple exercise: their legs are tied with one rope and their hands with the other. And if one of the participants in this exercise swings his leg sharply, as you understand, the legs of everyone else do not remain at rest either. And if someone else makes sudden movements with their hand or arms, then everyone else’s hands also come out of their resting state. It’s the same in the family (I think this is a great illustration): if someone makes sudden movements, a sudden jerk, for example, a grown-up child is preparing to enter a university or is moving to the next level of school, the wife is in a difficult physical condition due to toxicosis or the husband must have some kind of career leap at work, everyone else also loses their balance and must invest in this movement, in this tension.

How to build trusting relationships?

A strong family is always the work of a man and a woman, because to build trusting, close relationships and preserve a marriage for many years, love alone is not enough. Respect and the ability to compromise are the main keys to family happiness. Another secret of the psychology of happy relationships is that you should not try to avoid family quarrels, because this is almost unrealistic; it is better to learn how to properly resolve conflicts that arise. Experts in the psychology of family relationships offer the following advice for those who want to save their family:

• show your love as often as possible (if not in words, then in actions);
• do not try to change your other half - this is pressure that sooner or later will be met with hostility;
• do not compare your spouse with anyone - each person is individual;
• don’t be silent about the problems that concern you (your significant other, most likely, has no idea what’s in your head, and playing the silent game is a dead end).

If it comes to a quarrel, psychology experts advise remembering:

• there is no need to generalize and recall old grievances;
• say only what you intended to say (be specific);
• restrain your emotions (an offensive word spoken in the heat of the moment is remembered for a long time);
• know how to forgive.

For men

As one pathologist said: is it possible to understand women? They even have a different anatomy. Probably, many men have come to terms with the fact that they will never comprehend women with their male minds. For this reason, people have been making jokes and telling jokes since time immemorial. However, if you are tired of dragging out the existence of a lone wolf (in our feminine language, a lousy stray dog) and you are finally and irrevocably ripe for the process of nesting, that is, for creating a family. This means that it’s time to somehow adapt to a joint and preferably comfortable coexistence in that very notorious unit of society.

• First (and most important): Don’t try to understand a woman, just love. Surround your wife with care. Be generous with compliments. After all, it’s no secret that a woman loves with her ears. And I am inclined to believe anyone who competently masters the art of riding through these “ears.”
• I gave my word - keep it. Bleeding from the nose, try to fulfill everything you swore. Or don’t promise at all if you’re not sure you’ll deliver. Or your wife will simply be disappointed in you - minus your karma and hope for a cloudless family life.
• If any misunderstandings or conflicts arise in the family, then no matter how much you want it, it is better to discuss all this at once and calmly. Resolve controversial issues in dialogue with your wife. Apply all your male logic, which any Y-chromosome carrier is so proud of, wisdom and good nature. Which will undoubtedly be the key to a successful conversation and resolution of the conflict. There is no need to avoid such debriefings by shamefully retreating and hiding with friends somewhere in garages - the lowest and most undignified activity. The main thing is to try to maintain good relationships and not turn all this into banal “showdowns”. Show your best side and, as they say, you will be happy.
• Give your wife time. Yes Yes! And much more than your friends, no matter how good and faithful they may be. Because the most valuable and only friend who really cares about you, worries, cares about you is your wife (We don’t take parents into account, we’re not talking about them here). Your wife spends most of her time doing what awaits you from work. And not alone, but together with the dinner that she created for you as a masterpiece, with love, showing all her ingenuity, and prepared it incredibly delicious. And which many men, taking for granted, quickly gobble it up, while staring blankly at their phone (or some other gadget). Don't miss the chance to reciprocate for your wife. Do not forget to appreciate her work and care for you. Give her your attention, try to spend time together, talk, discuss and share your thoughts and dreams. Don’t turn into ordinary roommates who, over time, if you don’t take action, will turn into a cat and a dog, ready to grab each other’s throats.

Courage, wisdom and mercy - by and large, these are the qualities that a man needs for his family to maintain good relationships and exist fully. So that he can fully feel like a real, and most importantly, a BELOVED father of the family, its head.

It is approximately on such axioms that good, harmonious relationships in the family can exist painlessly. Without them, no happy union is possible. To which, albeit subconsciously, both halves of humanity strive, both the strong and courageous, and the weak and beautiful.