Every person at some moments in life experiences fear - this is quite normal: the feeling of fear is inherent in us by nature. When experiencing fear, a person may run away from danger because, in response to the threat, the body releases various substances that increase blood pressure and increase muscle strength. Our ancient ancestors survived, among other things, thanks to this protective mechanism that developed as a result of evolution.
And in modern life this feeling is by no means useless! Surely, many have heard stories that in a situation involving a real threat to life, a person develops incredible speed or becomes able to lift heavy objects. Hormones work: adrenaline, norepinephrine, corticotropin, and others, which enhance a person’s physical capabilities at a critical moment.
I'm afraid of my boss - what should I do? Psychologist answers
We asked readers to send us questions related to career transitions, education, and work. Today Tatyana Podoprigora, clinical psychologist, author of the “Start Over” project, answers the question: “I feel afraid of my boss, I can’t relax. Should I be the perfect employee and make sure the boss doesn’t get angry?”
Feeling fear in such a situation is completely appropriate. There are several factors that create this situation. Unfortunately, only some of them depend on you.
Factors can be divided into two groups:
- internal: desire to be perfect, fear of superiors, dependence on external evaluation;
- external: the atmosphere at work, the culture of building relationships, the character of the boss.
Internal factors
First of all, you shouldn't "make sure your boss doesn't get angry." His feelings are his personal responsibility. Your responsibility is to complete work tasks.
Describe to yourself in detail what exactly you (or your boss, if this is his wish) consider ideal? How will you know you're doing a perfect job? Most likely, you are unclear about what exactly is expected of you. It is important to clarify this, then you will have certainty, and tension and anxiety will go away. But there is an option that the boss will refuse or will not be able to clarify everything and will demand something new every time.
The desire to be an ideal employee coexists with perfectionism, the inability to do something imperfectly. But within perfectionism there is no admiration and joy for one’s achievements
Ideality is the only way for a perfectionist to exist. If you become an ideal employee, will you be satisfied or will you set yourself the next unattainable goal?
Fear of authority figures
Many people are not afraid of a specific boss - they are afraid of any authority figure who has power over them. For example, you are going for an interview and have not yet met your boss, but are already frightened by expectations and are trying to guess how to please him.
You avoid your manager's attention out of fear of being threatened, you're afraid to ask too many questions for fear of appearing incompetent, and you avoid talking about promotions out of fear of getting fired. Think about the fact that your fear of a superior figure is based not on the personality of your boss, but on your past experience: in your family, at school, in the stories of your loved ones about bad bosses. Most likely, you will be afraid of any boss, and his personality does not matter much.
It’s unpleasant to admit this to yourself, but this is the beginning of change. Think back to a time when you were afraid of an authority figure. Your task is to find a solution that works for you to deal with it. For example, write a letter to an offender from the past or, introducing him, talk to an empty chair.
Sensitivity to criticism
Criticism has a toxic effect on some people. For example, a negative comment about your work makes you cry or become very angry. This means that you perceived it as criticism of you as a person.
Remind yourself that you as a professional is only a part of you as a person. When communicating with your superiors, keep track of what role you feel yourself in: an adult or a child.
An adult accepts criticism and corrects mistakes. He may be upset because of them, but it doesn’t “knock him out.” He doesn't take on too much work and knows how to protect himself. The child gets offended when he hears criticism, stomps his feet and slams doors, and takes on more tasks out of guilt. We are all both adults and children in different situations. But try to cultivate yourself as an adult. And for the “child” you leave a safe space, for example, individual therapy.
External factors
Feedback form
Not all people know how to give quality feedback. This may be your boss's problem. There is criticism of actions, and there is criticism of personality. High-quality feedback focuses on specific errors in the work, while low-quality feedback focuses on the personality of the person who made them.
Emotional environment within the company
Trust and reliability are the basis on which effective team work is built. In many ways it depends on the leader. If he protects his employees, they trust him and follow him. And if he does not create comfortable conditions, then threats are expected from him, just like from difficult clients. In such a team, employees are afraid to ask for help from colleagues and superiors, and this has a bad effect on the performance of everyone and, in general, on the company.
How to overcome fear in communicating with superiors
Subordinate in the face of superiors
must look dashing and silly,
so as not to confuse your superiors with your understanding.
From the decree of Peter I
If you do not experience tension in a conversation with your superiors and at the same time resolve all issues constructively, we can only be happy for you. Most have nothing to brag about. It's good if we are talking about some misunderstanding. Sometimes the procedure of communicating with the boss is stressful, comparable in strength to exam stress. How to influence the situation, what can be done so that when management appears, your head remains clear, and your speech remains clear and intelligible, so that the first questions and objections do not confuse you?
Fear of superiors is one of the social, that is, the most common, phobias. This fear can be rational and justified if the boss is a tyrant from whom you can expect anything, including public insult and humiliation. This kind of behavior is not uncommon these days. But if you tolerate this, then you have significant benefits that do not allow self-esteem to manifest itself and close the door to his office once and for all. This is your conscious choice. This is not what this article will be about.
We will talk about the irrational fear that many experience on an unconscious level when communicating with their superiors. Where does it come from? And how can you get rid of it?
The first reason is psychological. As Dr. Freud : we acquire all our problems in childhood, and then spend our whole lives solving them...
The boss is always the main one, the senior in status in the team; subconsciously his role is perceived as paternal. In traditional family culture, the father has been the head for many centuries. Despite the fact that there is currently a change in roles in the family, the dominant role of the father is embedded in the unconscious.
Family education occurs behind the scenes in two main directions. The mother gives the child the experience of love and passes on the culture of the family. The father is responsible for interaction with society. His support and care create a feeling of security, confidence and self-esteem. Observing the life of the father and communicating with him instills in the child socially useful goals and ideals.
It is not difficult to understand that the absence of a father or his antisocial behavior reduces the child’s adaptive abilities and increases internal anxiety, which subsequently carries over into adulthood. Such a person, as a rule, has problems with positioning in society. Even with numerous talents, people with low self-esteem spend much more energy making contacts and resolving issues than those for whom the support of their father helped them develop the necessary skills of communication and defending their interests.
The overlap of these two factors (increased anxiety and lack of adequate experience communicating with the father) creates additional difficulties in interacting with management; a person has to experience triple pressure on the psyche: a conversation with the manager always involves answering difficult questions, internal anxiety and lack of experience communicating with an adequate parent increase psychological discomfort.
The second important reason for the emergence of irrational fear is a lack of understanding of the motives of the leader’s behavior. The lack of information about the characteristics of his personality, goals and true intentions in the imagination of a person with low self-esteem is often replaced by all sorts of speculation about a bad attitude towards him or his work, thoughts about possible dismissal.
Any fear brings a person into the state of a frightened child. The child's self follows the life principle of feelings. In a stressful situation, this is a spontaneous reaction of fear and subsequent adaptive child behavior. To bring yourself out of a childish state, you should understand what an adult self is.
An adult perceives and processes the logical component of information. He knows how to manage emotions and use them to achieve goals.
Therefore, it is necessary to rationalize your experience of communicating with a manager, not to avoid contact, but to better know his strengths and weaknesses, the requirements for him from his managers, understand the conditions in which he lives and works, and how he prefers to receive information.
Try the following recommendations:
- Always remember the harsh conditions in which almost every manager works. Bosses always have a lot to do and little time, they are often under pressure and make decisions in a situation of time pressure and lack of special or encyclopedic knowledge. Your boss's responsibility for the business and staff is much greater than yours. The biggest problem you come to him with is maybe one hundredth of all his problems.
- As Radislav Gandapas says, the function of the subordinate element in the system is to provide comfort to the superior: to provide cover in dangerous situations, to transfer people who are unpleasant to the manager and to resolve issues that are unpleasant to the manager. Every time you go into his office, try to forget that this is the boss in front of you and see a person who can make a serious mistake.
- Prepare carefully for each meeting, collect and analyze all the necessary information, ask yourself: “What is my true goal? What can I do to achieve it? This will allow you to significantly reduce internal anxiety. Don't rely on impromptu. Improvising in conditions of psychological stupor is quite difficult.
- Every time before you go to your boss, sit quietly for a few minutes and devote this time to self-tuning. Think about your talents, remember your achievements, pleasant moments of victories. Let these memories become a powerful resource for you to build self-esteem and restore integrity. A person broadcasts his inner state to others. When we project calm and confidence, those around us will also become calmer and more trusting of our words and actions. And if you broadcast information into the space around you with all your appearance that you are a victim... Any victim will definitely find his executioner.
- Often a person suffering from low self-esteem and not receiving positive reinforcement from management tries to fill the empty cup by praising himself in the presence of his boss, presenting information, emphasizing his own merits. As a result, the speech slides from the actual problem to topics that are insignificant for his leader. And instead of earning an additional bonus in the eyes of management, such a subordinate looks incompetent. Remember that you are going to management to resolve issues, and not to engage in your own PR. A professional approach to solving problems is the best PR. And vanity is one of the deadly sins, and therefore is punished. In this case, troubles at work.
- Avoid verbosity. Often, in order to drown out stress, a person begins to talk a lot. And he often says unnecessary things, to his own detriment. As one person I respect very much said: “You need to speak only when you cannot remain silent. And even then, before that you need to consult with heaven.” Write on a sticky note and stick in front of your eyes a phrase that will work for you every day: “I refuse to be verbose. I speak calmly and with dignity. Every word I say is worth its weight in gold. In the presence of any interlocutor, I am confident in myself and think constructively, and valuable decisions come to me.”
- When entering the boss's office, do not start straight away. Look around, feel his mood. A few seconds will be enough for you to do this. Remember that it is easier to meet the understanding of your interlocutor if the pace and sound of your speech is similar to his. Adapt if you want to feel comfortable. If your boss is in trouble and depressed, he is unlikely to be inspired by your fighting spirit and brisk pace of speech. While calm behavior and a slightly muffled voice will show understanding of the situation and unspoken psychological support. And vice versa, if the boss is in a great mood today, there is no need to spoil it with your sad appearance, tune in to his wave, and you will see that everything will be resolved for you in the best possible way.
- If it is difficult for you to make eye contact, this is signaled to you by your childhood fears, which have become the reason for your distrust of the world. Instill in yourself the idea that you trust your boss, and when he talks to you about unpleasant things, it gives you food for development, and after a while you will see that it will become easier for you to look him in the eyes.
- Often, before we even have time to enter the office, we bring down the main stress factor on our manager’s head: “The bank called, they are not satisfied with our building!” And it doesn’t matter that the manager is now busy with a completely different matter and does not remember our last conversation at all... When entering his office, first of all, indicate the main topic of the conversation: “I am on the issue of our loan agreement with Bank N,” briefly recall the background of the issue and only then identify the problem: the reasons why the bank refuses to accept the collateral. Come with a solution. Don't hang your monkeys on your boss. He has enough of his own. Form proposals while still at work. Write a list of why this is beneficial for the business, for the enterprise, and what risks may arise. Learn to talk to your manager in the language of solutions, not problems (Radislav Gandapas)
- Never deceive your boss, even over small things. Little lies give rise to great mistrust. If you don’t know something, it’s better to say so, but promise to provide the necessary information in the near future. And don't forget to do this.
- Submit your work only in its finished form. Try to bring the matter to completion as much as possible, even if you suspect that the boss may want to completely redo everything.
- Keep your boss in the loop about everything. Nothing irritates a manager more than when strangers know more about what is happening in his department than he does. Keep your boss informed about the status of HR, proposed changes, budget status, and other important matters. Report troubles to him in advance and immediately offer a solution.
- Listen to your boss carefully and non-judgmentally, do not try to calculate in your mind what he is thinking about you now. Give yourself full attention to listening and discussing, this will significantly reduce stress and lead you to the best result.
- Start speaking only when the boss finishes speaking. Express your opposing position only after you fully understand his point. If you disagree, but find it difficult to insist on your own, remember that you are saying “no” not to the leader himself, but to his arguments. And if you are criticized, then they criticize not you as a person, but your proposals.
- Maintain subordination: you can resolve issues with other managers occupying the same hierarchical level as your boss (and even more so, resolve issues at an even higher level) only after agreement with him.
- Restless and anxious subordinates, as a rule, are disliked. Any leader has enough anxiety and worry without you. And here you are with your childhood problems. If you feel that you are worried and cannot calm down, take a breath and listen to three heartbeats, you will feel calmer. Many leaders, no matter how unapproachable and successful they may seem, often also have a scared little boy deep inside them. Therefore, everyone wants to have a subordinate next to them, who would reinforce their confidence and calmness. Inspire yourself that in your presence, all interlocutors become more confident and calmer. By doing this, you will help not only yourself.
- Another recommendation for managers, who, in turn, have managers. You can be a bright, charismatic personality, a true professional, and your subordinates can admire you. But when you communicate with your boss, forget about it, otherwise conflict will inevitably arise. In nature, alpha males divide territory and try not to enter someone else's territory. In a corporate environment, the territory is already divided by the organizational structure. You can be the alpha male in your territory. On your boss's territory, use the recommendations above.
- And finally, no one today canceled likes and dislikes. These categories are not amenable to conscious training. This happens at the level of instinct. You coincide with some people in your psychophysiological qualities, and with some you do not. You yourself know: there is a person of mine whom I like right away and, of course, a lot is forgiven him. And there is a person who is not my kind, his shortcomings just glaringly obvious. And you can't help yourself.
So, if you feel persistent antipathy from your boss, use tactics that work effectively for unrequited love. Move away, stay out of your way, get down to business and do it honestly. As a rule, the other side first has a question: why did this failed lover suddenly become so self-sufficient? And then the analysis of past relationships begins and often reciprocal feelings similar to love appear.
In a work situation, you don't need love from management. As the classics said: “Pass us beyond all sorrows...”. But these recommendations will help make the relationship more comfortable.
And finally - a parable. One day a young vizier came to the Sultan and asked permission to say a word. And the word was this: “O great one and so on, look at your faithful servant. I am young, strong, fast, devoted to you. But I'm only the fifth vizier. And look at your first vizier. He is old, weak, slow. And he is the first vizier! Swap us. It will be fair". “Wait,” said the Sultan. “I see something gathering dust on the horizon. You should go and find out what’s there.” The fifth vizier realized that this was a test, threw himself into the saddle and, whooping, rushed off beyond the horizon. After a while, he galloped back and reported: “This is a caravan coming, my lord.” “Where is the caravan going?” - the Sultan was curious. And again the young vizier set off on his journey. “To Bukhara,” he brought the answer. “Where from?” - the Sultan asked. One more flight. "From Cairo." “What’s your luck?”... The vizier spent several hours in the saddle, but the Sultan had more and more new questions. And when both the fifth vizier and his horse were completely ready to fall, the old, blind first vizier rode up to the Sultan on an old mule.
The long greeting procedure began. “Wait,” said the Sultan. “I see something gathering dust on the horizon. You should go and find out what’s there.” The fifth vizier grinned, for he realized that this too was a test. Reluctantly and sluggishly, the first vizier set off on his journey. It was already getting dark when he returned and, having caught his breath, turned to his Sultan. “There’s a caravan coming,” he said. — “From Cairo to Bukhara, he’s carrying thirty-six bales of silk. He plans to sell them in Bukhara for twenty-five gold pieces per bale. The caravan owner Saad is ready to sell the entire lot for twenty. ...but that’s not all, my lord, I agreed in Bukhara that they would take the whole batch of twenty-two from us.” The wise sultan looked at the fifth vizier and asked: “Is that clear?” “I see,” replied the young vizier, who had learned one of the most useful lessons of his life.
Look fear in the eyes
As a rule, people are so afraid of fear itself that they avoid any thoughts or reflections about it in every possible way. Get to know your fear better and try to examine it. Do the exercises and evaluate how much your anxiety level has decreased.
Distance
What are social fears? These are fears associated with others, with society. And they can be passed along the chain. If in any group there are carriers of such conditions as anxiety, lack of confidence, embarrassment, this can easily be “infected”. For example, at your work it is customary to talk about your boss in a low voice. You yourself may not notice how you start doing the same thing, even if it was unusual for you before.
What to do? Observe your condition for a few minutes. Other people's worries and doubts should not become yours and ruin your life. Try to keep your distance - both physical and emotional. In an unpleasant situation that involves spreading anxiety, distance yourself, don’t talk to anyone, and start listening to music on headphones. Try to maintain your calm, don’t let someone else’s fear paralyze you. You can use breathing techniques, they help a lot!
Real estimate
The one who is higher in status is often seen by people as someone big and dangerous. Too significant. Of course, a person holding a leadership position must be given credit - one way or another, but he achieved this, which means that he is smart, experienced, knows a lot, and somehow achieved this position. What exactly are you afraid of: experience, knowledge? In addition, managers often get to their posts not for their real merits... This is also worth remembering. The boss does not have any superpowers - he does not read minds and does not move objects with his eyes. He is an ordinary person with his own problems, experiences and, possibly, fears.
- My boss is a tyrant: how to work with someone like that
What to do? Free up 30 minutes of your time, grab some sheets of paper and a pen. Write down all the sensations you experience when your boss is nearby. The emphasis should be on negative emotions. Then ask yourself for each emotion, “Why do I feel this?” Ask yourself about this until there is a reasonable explanation for all the sensations. Analyze everything you admit to yourself. For example, you feel very uncomfortable when you talk to your boss about the work you have done. Why? Because you're afraid it's not done well enough. Is this really true?
If the anxiety is inappropriate to the situation, then what is causing your fear? Fear of criticism? Diffidence? Or constant unreasonable nagging from your boss? Such questions and answers may lead you to realize what you did not want to admit to yourself, what you were avoiding. With this awareness, you can decide to make changes. But don’t draw too hasty conclusions and don’t make ill-considered decisions. Our task is to first figure out what is behind your excessive anxiety.
Reality testing
Fear of the boss may be associated with fears from childhood - of parents. For a child, parents are always big and powerful. Some were constantly punished, some were shouted at, some faced harsh criticism. When a boss scolds his subordinate, he has no idea that he is instantly transported inside to childhood and begins to feel like a little child. The manager’s quibbles and complaints are also related to his personal problems: perfectionism, venting anger, or, again, strict upbringing. There can be many reasons.
What to do? Take a piece of paper, photos from your family album, and a pen. Choose those photos in which your parents are still quite young, and you are not yet 5 years old, and lay out the pictures in front of you. Take a close look at these photos. Remember how your parents communicated with you, think about what intentions they did this with? It is unlikely that they wanted you harm; they simply did not know how to adequately express their anxieties, desires and requests.
- How to forgive insults to your parents and become happier
Think about the past and your fears. About whether now, in your adult life, situations arise in which there is a place for the same feelings. Realize what exactly guides you in moments of fear, try to leave the childish look and childish feelings in the past. And then look at those around you through the prism of adult experience. Is your boss's behavior really similar to how your parents behaved? Think about what he is like. What problems does he solve, what fears and weaknesses does he have, how does he cope with stress? Try to understand that the boss is the same person. You, your parents, and your manager are ordinary people who may be afraid of something, worry about something, and do something wrong.
