Five ways to manage your child's passive-aggressive behavior.

Undisguised anger and aggression in society, unfortunately, are becoming an acute problem today. Aggression in adolescents is also a fairly common phenomenon in the modern world. And although the roots of aggressive behavior in adolescents initially lie in the biological nature of humans, today it increasingly manifests itself for social reasons related to the existence and upbringing of a child in the environment. It is important to remember that undetected teenage aggression will lead to anger in an adult. Therefore, it is necessary to eliminate its symptoms in a timely manner. To correct and prevent aggression in children and adolescents, you need to know the causes of aggressive behavior.

Causes

So, the reasons for teenage aggression are:

1. Family.

Psychologists note that the aggressiveness of teenagers and the causes of teenage aggression most often appear as a response to what is happening in the family, because this is the group in which the child spends most of his time. In addition, she is the one responsible for everything that happens to the teenager in other groups. During adolescence, a restructuring of all body systems occurs. It leads to the fact that the “little adult” (for you and me) begins to feel his own importance, the need for recognition. And parents are often not ready for such a turn of events, still considering their child small and unable to make a choice. Therefore, if suddenly a teenager becomes interested in a youth subculture with which you are completely unfamiliar and which seems to you the embodiment of a nightmare, think: weren’t you just recently criticizing him for too wide or tight pants, a short skirt, ridiculous ponytails in his hair, or something else? , in your opinion, shocking?

For teenagers, the main thing is intimate communication with peers, so they follow the preferences of the group to which they belong. It is important for them to find individuality and self-expression in the environment where they are. That's why they follow fashion.

However, turning to a subculture is part of self-expression. It is much worse when a child begins to show aggression. Imagine the situation in reverse. Every day you come home and hear that you are not dressed and wearing shoes, that “the devil knows who you look like,” that you are doing the wrong thing, that there are many people who are much smarter, more intelligent, more interesting than you, that you are not able to please anyone at all . I wonder: will you become aggressive? With 100% probability - yes. Whether you begin to show outright anger is another matter. It will be how you are able to react to events that happen and how you are raised. But the teenager cannot yet fully control his behavior, so he usually openly displays aggression, in this case as a reaction to your behavior.

If you really can’t bear to see how your child has changed, if his preferences, tastes and actions irritate you, work on yourself. And remember: your friendly attitude and recognition of the teenager’s independence in the choice to which he has the right is the key to his favor and trust in you.

1. Biological.

The fact is that we, adults, are often exposed to the action of hormones, and then you can hear, more often from women: “There are problems with hormones, I’m not myself!”, “My hormones are raging!”, “There’s something wrong with my hormones,” etc. etc. Imagine what happens to the child! He is undergoing hormonal changes in all functions and systems of the body. He becomes an adult at the level of biological systems - “ready for procreation” - and feels himself as such, but at the same time he cannot yet become a full-fledged adult, which we endlessly remind him of, which is fundamentally wrong!

Experts note the following symptoms of hormonal changes in the body in a teenager:

• frequent mood changes;
• depression;
• restlessness and lack of concentration;
• irritability;
• impulsiveness;
• aggression and problem behavior;
• anxiety.

Are the symptoms familiar? Especially women and mothers. Be aware of such problems that your child faces. And treat him condescendingly. Of course, we are not talking about justifying constant open rudeness and anger.

1. Personal.

The formation of personality is, first of all, the need to feel one’s independent “I” with all the ensuing consequences. What happened in childhood? You decided almost everything for your child: what clothes he will wear, what furniture will be in his room, what notebooks he will buy, where he will go, who he will be friends with (you must admit, there is such a thing!), etc. And suddenly! He rebelled! First of all, you need to be prepared for this. Because you already understand that the development of personality is the desire to decide everything for yourself. And if there is something that you just can’t trust a teenager (buying furniture, for example), then let him choose everything that concerns his accessories. Perhaps this is where the roots of aggression lie. Give him the right to manage his things, personal time, relationships, etc. In any case, he will behave within the framework of the norms that you instilled in him during his upbringing, so there is no need to endlessly check whether he acted as you taught him.

Teenagers, whose rights are constantly infringed upon, without being given any freedom of choice, rebel more often than others and constantly show aggression. It is then that ordinary people ask: “Why are schoolchildren so aggressive?” And schoolchildren are also aggressive because at school there is almost no choice (endless drill), which an individual so needs!

Change course as necessary.

Never allow yourself or anyone else to become hostage to passive-aggressive behavior.

For example, if mom says, “We can't go to the movies until Haley feeds the dog,” she is giving Haley control of the situation. Although the mother's goal was to put pressure on Haley, the passive-aggressive child interprets this as permission: “Thanks, now I can piss off the whole family!” Instead of solving the problem, the parent reinforces it!

If you make the mistake of giving too much power to a passive-aggressive child, correct it.

The mother in our example can change the situation by saying, “I've thought about it and decided to change my mind. We'll all go to the movies, but Haley will stay until she feeds the dog." The parent regains the authority of the decision maker, but at the same time gives the child the opportunity to make the right choice on his own.

Types of aggression

It happens that it is difficult for parents to recognize whether a child is aggressive or whether this is a pattern of behavior at the moment, especially if in the family aggression is a universal form of communication between everyone and everyone. Also difficult are cases when there is hidden aggression. However, it is still not difficult to distinguish aggressive teenagers if you know the types and symptoms of such behavior. Some even believe that aggression is the dominant behavior of modern teenagers, which, of course, is wrong.

The types of aggression are as follows:

1. Open aggression. This type of behavior is characterized by the fact that the teenager begins to show signs of anger right in front of any people. This is open rudeness, insults, nagging, direct attacks in the form of throwing hands, forcing a fight, the desire to answer in a rude manner for any reason. Such children are usually characterized by teachers as hooligans and inadequate individuals. Or suddenly at school a quiet child begins to act angry towards his peers. It is important to understand here that even family reasons can negatively affect a teenager’s behavior, causing him to have unmotivated aggression towards other people, not parents or family members. Psychology has clearly established the fact that open teenage aggression can cause a lot of trouble for the child himself, since he often does not understand the consequences of his actions, including not considering them within the framework of the law, but such behavior can lead to a crime!
   

   If you notice open aggression in your child and don’t know how to deal with it, be sure to contact a specialist, family psychologist or psychotherapist for help.

2. Hidden aggression. It differs in that its manifestations are not always clear to those around and close to them, especially if the child, as they say, has character. Only parents are able to notice signs of hidden aggression in their child during adolescence. Or very close people. So, signs of hidden aggression:
   irony;
3. evil banter;
4. insults without harsh words;
5. avoidance of promises;
6. the desire to do everything in defiance;
7. ridicule of people, including loved ones;
8. emphasized inattention to family and friends;
9. avoiding heart-to-heart conversations;
10. manipulation of people.

If you notice that your child did not show such qualities, and then suddenly they appeared, it means that he has hidden aggression. It is necessary to find out its causes and be sure to eliminate it, because the child himself suffers from this.

Sometimes you can hear people say about a person with signs of hidden aggression: “He has such a character!” But it’s worth thinking about: what we mistake for character has completely different roots. And, perhaps, such a character developed in the child precisely under the influence of hidden aggression, which was not noticed in time by parents in adolescence?

Role model respectful treatment.

When children pretend not to hear you, use the technique of the famous television detective Columbo. Instead of using an angry, confrontational approach, Columbo obtains the suspect's cooperation through his respectful manner of communication. The same approach works wonders with passive-aggressive children.

Suppose a mother asks her child to put on a coat before going for a walk.

“After several requests went unanswered, I approached Aidan and began in a soft voice, as if I was talking to myself, but loud enough for my son to hear me. “Isn’t this amazing,” I said. “I asked Aidan to put his coat on and he pretended he couldn’t hear me. I'll ask him again and see what he does." Then, I looked Aidan straight in the eye and said, “Aidan, would you mind putting on your coat and waiting at the door?” This trick worked. Aidan is putting on his coat and boots this minute!”

Remember, the goal of a passive-aggressive child is to make you explode with anger. When you use the calm Columbo tactic, your child learns that passive-aggressive behavior doesn't work and learns to respond differently.

What to do?

Aggression is most scary because such behavior can become the norm over time. It’s unlikely that you would want your child to live in anger at the whole world, so you need to look for ways to protect yourself from this disaster. What are the ways to overcome aggression in adolescents?

1. Give vent to emotions. Sports and active recreation will help here. This seemingly simple postulate of “output of emotions” is often not taken seriously by many. But in vain! After all, we, adults, often give vent to everything that has accumulated in different ways, and if emotions, as they say, are over the edge, then they can result in manifestations of aggression. Go out into nature with your teenager, turn his personal freedom into your common leisure time: swim, ski downhill, go to the mountains with a tent and make him take a “young traveler course” (setting up a tent, collecting brushwood, lighting a fire, cooking, fishing). In addition to the fact that you will be together at such a time, this is also a great way to vent emotions and channel energy in the right direction. Aggressive teenagers have a direct path to sports, where iron discipline and constant training will teach them to keep aggression to themselves and teach them how to defend themselves and not attack. Psychologists advise talking to the child and choosing the direction in which he would feel good.

If you and your teenager choose a sport that teaches wrestling or fighting techniques, make sure that this does not teach your child new ways to attack someone. Well, choose a strict coach who will strictly monitor your child’s discipline even outside of sections and training. Such a person will not allow aggression anywhere.

1. Work on your child's self-esteem. The formation of a person’s personality largely depends on self-esteem. Many teenagers have low self-esteem, especially if they are constantly told at home that they are doing everything wrong. It’s even worse when they explain that there are other children who are much better, smarter, more intelligent, etc. Such self-esteem provokes aggression not only towards those who are better, but also towards everyone else according to the principle “Yes, I’m worse than you, And what from this?". It’s also bad that a teenager with such self-esteem no longer pretends to change - he has low demands on himself. And this is very bad. Inflated self-esteem is also bad. Exclusiveness as a trait unconditionally accepted by a child in relation to himself is not always confirmed in society. And then the teenager shows aggression towards those who do not consider him the best. The best option is a person’s normal, adequate self-esteem, which contributes to his correct and healthy ideas about himself. It is this that is the key to a person’s success.

Never humiliate a child! And even more so for a teenager! He has a very vulnerable pride, because he becomes a person. Don't you want to have an independent-minded son or daughter? Remember: an independent personality is formed only with respect, it cannot be humiliated. This is a direct path to aggressive behavior.

1. Set the right example. Be sure to watch how you behave. Your child is almost an adult. You used to be his ideal. Now he sees everything: how you break promises, how you behave aggressively with people, how you shout on the street or in public transport, how unyielding you are with others, and much more. And he starts saying: “And you?!” And suddenly you are offended! But in vain! Your example will most likely become a direct indication for him of how to behave. And, if your child grows up normally, being in a constant aggressive environment, pray for the health of those people who made this happen: grandmothers, close friends, etc.

If the atmosphere in the family is always aggression, try to improve relationships, otherwise you will not avoid problems in your child’s behavior.

1. Monitor your child's mental health. Always contact specialists in a timely manner if you suspect emotional distress or a mental disorder in a teenager. Here you are no longer able to cope. Therefore, remember: timely assistance from a specialist is the key to a person’s mental health in the future.

1. See the “red flags” of passive-aggressive behavior.

The ability to notice signs of passive-aggressive behavior as they arise—and long before they overwhelm you emotionally—is key. Avoid becoming an unwitting victim of your child's destructive behavior by identifying passive-aggressive behavior as soon as it occurs.

Along with the behavior mentioned above, this could be:

- denial of one's own anger; - indignation at the authority of adults; - excessive excuses; - “game of silence”; - forcing others to wait and the desire to stall for time; - demonstrate misunderstanding or perceived “ignorance”; - interrupt the conversation with phrases like “wonderful” or “as you wish.”

conclusions

If your child is showing aggression, you need to:

• find out the reasons;
• eliminate them;
• monitor the development of a teenager’s self-esteem;
• never humiliate a child;
• do not hit a teenager;
• organize joint leisure;
• gain the teenager's trust;
• be an example for him;
• contact a specialist as needed.

Remember! Aggression does not occur in a person who is accustomed to living in an atmosphere of mutual respect, love, understanding and trust. This is the main prevention of teenage aggression and many other manifestations of this age.

Set clear and clear expectations.

When a passive-aggressive child exhibits habitual misunderstanding or disregard for rules (“I thought you meant I could finish my homework after I played soccer”), the most effective course of action is to set clear expectations early in the interaction.

Never assume that a passive-aggressive child understands your demands. Even if the task has been done many times in the past, make sure you reiterate your expectations for the quality, quantity and timing of its completion. Avoid using sarcasm when detailing your request, and set your expectations in a neutral, confident tone.

To a child who claims to have mixed up playtime, you can say, “Chris, when your homework is done, any mistakes are corrected, and I've signed your diary, you can go outside and play football before dinner.”