With the permission of the publishing house "MYTH", Lifehacker publishes an excerpt from the book "Communicating with Difficult People" - a guide to effective interaction with clients, colleagues and other interlocutors.
Your colleague says one thing in a meeting and then does another. At meetings he interrupts you, and in the office he walks by and doesn’t say hello. If you try to discuss his behavior with him, he will insist that everything is fine and the problem is only in your head. However, this is not true: he is a passive-aggressive person. Working with such a colleague is very difficult. It's not clear what to do. Convict? Ignore? How to discuss a problem if he claims that everything is great?
Colleagues often make passive-aggressive remarks to each other if the topic is too sensitive or impossible to speak out directly. “We're all guilty of this,” says Amy Su, co-author of Own the Room: Discover Your Signature Voice to Master Your Leadership Presence. However, prolonged passive-aggressive behavior is a completely different game.
“These people will do anything to get their way. They may even lie to do so,” confirms Annie McKee, founder of the Teleos Leadership Institute and co-author of Primal Leadership: Unleashing the Power of Emotional Intelligence. In a case like this, you need to take special precautions to help you, and possibly your opponent, get the job done. Here are some tips.
Don't get hooked
If a colleague pretends that everything is fine or claims that you are overreacting, it can be difficult not to get angry or defensive. However, this is not a situation in which you need to fight back, McKee says.
Try to remain calm.
“He may want to make you angry so he can blame you for everything and vent his anxiety,” Su explains. - If you react emotionally, you will most likely look and feel like a complete fool. Take it as an opportunity to improve yourself."
Think about what causes this behavior
People who constantly behave passive-aggressively are not always stupid. Perhaps they simply do not know how to communicate or in this way avoid an open quarrel. McKee says passive-aggressive behavior is typically a way to “get your point across, show your emotions, without real, constructive conflict.” This is how their ego is expressed,” Su says. Keep this in mind, but don't try to diagnose your colleagues. “Take the situation as it comes,” Su adds. “This is an unproductive outburst of emotions that a person is unable to express constructively.”
Types of aggression
- Depending on the means with which it operates:
- Physical – causing physical injury, using physical force;
- verbal or verbal - shouting, swearing, verbal threats and accusations;
- Depending on the path of its manifestation:
- direct – open and directly aimed at the opponent;
- indirect - hidden, veiled, but its purpose is also to unsettle a person from the rut of emotional balance and calm.
Don't forget your responsibility
Most likely, you are also not without sin. Think about whether your actions could cause passive-aggressive behavior towards you? “Take responsibility for your actions,” Su says. Also, think about whether you responded with the same coin; To recognize the signs of passive-aggressive behavior in yourself, you need to know them Signs You're Being Passive-Aggressive. “It can happen to even the best of us when we put something off or avoid something. Sometimes emotions leak out and can hurt others,” Su says.
Causes of passive aggression
To more accurately understand what passive aggression is, you should also understand the causes of this phenomenon. They can be different and depend on many circumstances. Psychologists believe that the most common causes of passive-aggressive behavior are the following factors:
- Reluctance to take responsibility for the conflict. A passive aggressor strives to look like a positive character in any situation. Therefore, he tries to piss off his opponent so that he will be the first to demonstrate conflict behavior.
- Negative emotions caused by personal reasons. It happens that a person has a personal grudge or other emotions that he cannot express directly. And since he has nothing to accuse his opponent of, he begins to behave passive-aggressively towards him.
- Inability to confront an opponent openly. There are quite a lot of such situations. For example, the opponent occupies a more advantageous position, has a certain influence, is stronger physically, or is good at defending his position in a dispute.
- Inability to behave with dignity in conflicts. A person with conflict usually knows that by showing aggression openly, he puts himself in a bad light. Therefore, he prefers to act secretly , trying to piss off his opponent.
- Fear of the opponent's possible reaction. Implicit aggression is a good way to avoid unpredictable consequences.
- Inability to express complaints directly. This problem is present in most people - it is difficult for all of us to directly say that we don’t like something. And some people, instead of simply asking the other person not to do something, begin to secretly “punish” him for bad behavior.
The main thing is content, not form
This may be the last thing you want to do, but try to see the situation from your coworker's point of view. What opinion or assumption is he trying to express with his barbs? “Analyze the situation,” McKee recommends.
Perhaps a colleague thinks your approach to a project is ineffective? Or disagree with the goals you set for the team? “Not everyone is good at discussing or expressing their thoughts publicly,” Su says. If you can focus on a specific work issue, and not on the form of expression, you can stop focusing on the conflict and start looking for a solution.
Recognize the underlying problem
When you have calmed down and feel able to communicate productively, approach your colleague. Say, “You were clear last time. As far as I understand, you think...” This will help him identify the essence of the problem. Working together, you can make a difference, as McKee explains. Speak calmly, monotonously, and do not focus on how aggressively or offensively he expressed his feelings. “Ignore the toxic side of things completely,” Su advises. “Sometimes it’s enough for a person to have his opinion heard.”
Watch your tongue
Say what you think is necessary, but don't blame the person for passive-aggressive behavior. “You will harm your goals,” McKee argues. Su agrees: “These are explosive phrases. The person is already on the defensive and may become even more angry. There is no need to label and judge.” Instead, McKee suggests explaining how the situation affects you and other employees. Whenever possible, show how his behavior is preventing him personally from achieving important goals, such as career growth.
Formulate the basic principles of behavior
With the help of colleagues, a long-term solution to the problem can be formulated. “As a team, you have the power to set specific standards of behavior,” McKee says. Agree to voice grievances directly and set an example of the kind of honest, open communication you would like to see in your team. You can also introduce mutual accountability.
If your problematic colleague systematically does not fulfill agreements, create a clear action plan - distribute at the meeting who is responsible for what and in what time frame the tasks must be completed. Even the worst bullies usually succumb to the onslaught of positive peer pressure and mutual accountability.
In extreme cases, seek help
If a colleague regularly interferes with your work with his attacks, and outside observers confirm the validity of your indignation, you will have to take decisive action. “If you share a boss, ask for help,” McKee says. Say something like, “Many employees have noticed this person's negative behavior, and I would like to talk about how it is affecting my work.”
True, there is a danger here, warns McKee: “Perhaps the aggressor has already misled your general management, and they do not notice anything wrong in his behavior or are trying their best to avoid the conflict and turn a blind eye to the situation.”
SIGN LANGUAGE. NONVERBAL SIGNALS OF AGGRESSION
WILL “IN THE FIST”
It is very important to be able to identify an aggressive person based on non-verbal signals. By aggression we will understand not only the direct impact of force, but also a negative attitude and a focus on confrontation.
The main gesture of aggression is a hand clenched into a fist. This gesture can have varying degrees of aggression. If the hands of your interlocutor are stretched out at the seams, while both are clenched into fists, then this is a sign of increasing negativity in the person, he is preparing for a fight. If the fists gradually rise, reaching chest level, then this is an alarming factor. The man took a fighting stance, prepared for a blow, and only a few seconds remained before an open manifestation of aggression. If your interlocutor’s fists begin to “itch” - he rubs the fingers of one hand with the other hand clenched into a fist, then he is also negative towards you.
If your interlocutor wraps his arms around his shoulders, this is a sign of pent-up aggression. This means that a person is ready to rush into battle, but is trying to restrain himself. If you do not intend to engage in a duel with him, then, seeing such a gesture, you must change your negotiation tactics: change the topic, change the tone.
A characteristic gesture for a person who is aggressive towards you is to put your hands behind your back and grab your wrist. This gesture is dangerous because it is invisible to the interlocutor; if a person removes his hands behind his back, it seems that he is hiding something from you, perhaps it is a weapon for the upcoming fight. But even without a weapon, this gesture in itself is very dangerous and means that the person clearly has bad intentions.
In order to smooth out the aggressive mood of your interlocutor, you can use the following non-verbal means. First, try to reduce the distance between you, use tactile influence - touch the person. Remember, all your actions and movements must be extremely slow so that your interlocutor does not take them for an attack on your part. Remember also that if he is “unconditionally” aggressive, that is, plans a fight in advance regardless of your behavior, then no means will help you. You should think about how to interrupt your conversation and go to a safe place, giving him the opportunity to take out his aggression on someone else.
POSE OF MILITARY
A person who is aggressive is characterized by a special posture, posture and gait. These non-verbal signs will be able to give away their belligerent owner. Your task is to be able to decipher them.
A warrior’s pose can indicate a person’s aggressive attitude: a person spreads his legs wide in order to feel confident, so that there is support under his feet. His body is slightly tilted forward. As a rule, he tries to cover certain parts of his body in case you start attacking first. These areas are the most vulnerable places for a person. For men, this is the groin area, nose, jaw. In women (although such a clear manifestation of aggression among women is not so popular, it is still possible) - this is the chest area and face.
An aggressive gait is very bright - a person walks very widely, sometimes even jumps to quickly get to his goal, while actively waving his arms, sometimes he can start running - this is a sign of a high degree of tension.
If you suspect your interlocutor of bad intentions, you should pay attention to his posture. If your suspicions are correct, then your interlocutor is not standing straight, stretched to his full height. He sat up a little, pressed his head into his shoulders - he grew into the ground, became compact, and now it is convenient for him to strike. If you are sitting, then your interlocutor can stretch his neck forward and throw his shoulders back. Moreover, his head will be slightly tilted so that his forehead will be directed towards you, the hardest part of the head, ready to take your blow.
PREDATOR'S LOOK
If a person does not try to hide negative emotions, then they are very easy to detect by facial expressions. It quite eloquently reflects the emotional mood! How to determine that your interlocutor is aggressive?
Aggression is a kind of defensive reaction of the body. A person begins to show aggression as soon as he realizes that he is much inferior to you in some things. This can be a product of anger, hatred, envy. Perhaps your interlocutor is weaker than you in the art of oratory, does not have the talent of persuasion, understands his intellectual inferiority, therefore, in the absence of other arguments, he has a desire to defeat you in a way available to him - with the help of force.
The facial expressions of aggression are very active - these are eyebrows shifted towards the bridge of the nose, flaring nostrils, swaying cheekbones, sometimes with creaking of teeth, very tightly compressed lips. These are facial signs that your interlocutor is very aggressive. These facial signals are not always reflected on the face all together; most often there are one or two signs. If you notice at least one of the above signals on the face of your interlocutor, be wary - he is not very happy with you.
Pay special attention to your gaze. An aggressive person's gaze eloquently tells that its owner is ready to tear his opponent to pieces. This is a very heavy, piercing gaze, the way a predator looks at its prey, preparing to attack.
VERBAL DUEL
A person's aggressive attitude can be determined by the way he speaks to you. His words are like blows: sharp, clear sounds, between which there are quite long pauses. Reluctance to enter into dialogue with you can also be a manifestation of hidden aggression.
If a person is aggressive, he usually increases the volume of his voice. And he does this unconsciously, either to provoke you into actions that are beneficial to him, or to intimidate you. Perhaps your opponent does not have competent verbal argumentation, so he tries to explain his point of view in other ways, that is, he resorts not to the power of words, but to the volume of his voice.
He tries to explain his point of view “intelligibly”, at a slow pace. As a rule, he fails to do this. In fact, he is provoking you, trying, as they say, to “get at you”: “Am I not explaining it clearly?” All this is done in order to cause fear in your interlocutor, to gain an advantage before the fight. He will try to provoke, using disdainful and sarcastic intonations, chuckles, and grins.
An aggressive person is characterized by lowering the timbre of his voice, using lower tones, intonations, sometimes with hoarseness. Such voice changes also have the goal of scaring the interlocutor.
Sometimes aggression does not have time to escalate into a fight, and the person breaks down screaming. A person holding back aggression is in a state of intense tension. If you never gave him a reason to use force, then this will not reduce his tension. And he still needs release. Very often this release occurs in the form of a scream. This is also a kind of non-verbal form of outlet for aggression. If he starts screaming, he is unlikely to use force against you. He simply didn't have the strength to fight. In such a situation, it is better for you to wait until his anger subsides and he calms down.
You can try to relieve your interlocutor's tension with the help of non-verbal cues. Use the power of your voice to calm him down, to defuse him. You should speak slowly, gently, affectionately, as if to lull him, to lull his vigilance. You can say whatever you want, for example, insist on your opinion, which unbalanced him, but based on non-verbal signals he should read the following: “Don’t be afraid of me. I am your friend. Calm down. Don't worry. It’s better to be friends with me - it’s more profitable.” If you are able to correctly use your vocal capabilities, then your aggressive interlocutor will submit to you, moderate his ardor, his aggression will go away or be turned in a different direction.
Protect yourself!
“When working as a team or as a couple, make sure you meet all obligations and deadlines,” says Su. — Duplicate important letters to other employees. Don't allow the bully to speak on your behalf or represent you in meetings. After the meeting, write down all agreements and action plans.”
McKee advises keeping a kind of diary: “Record specific behavior so that if necessary, you have evidence at hand - you can’t argue with the facts.” She also recommends, if possible, not working together with the aggressor and keeping communication to a minimum. If you must work with him, do it in a group format where the aggressor will show more positive behavior. You may not be able to stop him from passive-aggressive habits, but you can control how you react to him.
“Internet safety lessons” are being taught in schools across the country. What are they teaching your children there?
Before the autumn holidays, Ekaterinburg schools are holding Internet safety lessons. The main goal of such classes is “to develop students’ sustainable life skills when working on the Internet.” To put it simply, after such a lesson, a child should learn to ignore trolling, recognize spam and fight viruses, come up with complex passwords and not post personal data on social networks.
A 66.RU correspondent attended such a lesson with tenth graders from school No. 145. As an exemplary student, he took notes for the lesson and successfully passed the single lesson test (with a B) after a short lecture. We are publishing his recordings, which today will appear in millions of notebooks across the country (in 2020, 12.4 million children listened to a single lesson).
October 31.
Classwork.
The lesson begins with a reminder from the teacher: “We have already covered this material. Let's repeat it now." The organizer of the action, member of the Federation Council Lyudmila Bokova, claims the same thing. “Guys, you were torn away from studying and socializing for the sake of repeating well-known rules,” she says.
Rule #1: Fight computer viruses
- Transmitted through unlicensed products, links, letters, drives, etc.
- To protect your PC, you need to download and constantly update the antivirus, carefully check the sender and subject of the letter. Messages that seem suspicious should be deleted or forwarded to support.
Rule #2: Avoid theft of personal information
- Personal information: photo, full name, home address, content of correspondence, passwords, etc.
- The main mistake is to post all the information about yourself on social networks.
- You need to control the content of your page and hide it from strangers.
Rule #3: Create complex passwords
- Date of birth, word typed in transliteration, simple combinations of numbers, full name, etc. should not be used as a password. “For example, who will guess that your password is “Cheburashka” with a capital letter?”
- The longer the password, the better. The more different symbols, the better. Don't use the same passwords and try not to forget the ones you come up with.
Definitions:
A keylogger is a program that monitors the user's input of passwords and PIN codes. Can be used by attackers who collect information about you. It transmits all the texts typed on the computer, from which you can easily determine, for example, the contents of the letter, the sender’s data, the login and password for the mailbox.
Trolling is provoking a person to aggression through attacks and disrespectful statements.
Secure connection —data encryption while working with a resource. You can determine whether it is secure by the letter S (secure) in the HTTP protocol. If it is, then the connection is secure. Do not enter card details on an unsecured connection.
Rule #4: Trolls should be ignored or reported
- The easiest way to combat bullying is to ban the troll on social networks. You can contact the site administrator and the police.
- The troll is looking for a person with an unstable emotional background. Its main goal is to achieve a reaction to insults and bullying. He is not interested in a victim who ignores him.
After a short lecture, you need to take a test, which was designed for students of a single lesson. As a result, each child receives an electronic participant certificate. The test is not graded; the user only learns the percentage of correct answers. The result of the 66.RU correspondent is 84%.
Remember the Basic Principles
What do we have to do
- Understand why people behave this way: most likely, their needs are not being met.
- Try to hear what the other person wants to say, and do not be distracted by the form of expression, even if it is completely confusing.
- Think about whether you caused the problem yourself.
What not to do
- Lose one's temper. Solve the problem calmly, speak to the point.
- Calling someone out for passive-aggressive behavior will only make them angrier.
- Hoping that you can change the bully's behavior.
Harvard Business School has released a series of books on emotional intelligence. “Dealing with Difficult People” is about how to have constructive dialogue when the other party is unwilling or unable to do so. How to stay calm in a tense situation? How to deal with the aggression of your interlocutors and respond to unpleasant comments? Tips and examples from the book will help you learn how to manage a conversation and protect yourself.
Buy a book
Memo for students “How to properly cope with your own and others’ aggression”
How to properly deal with your own and others’ aggression?
(memo for students)
Teacher-psychologist: Arutunyants A.V.
Aggression, aggressiveness, causes of aggression, anger, irritation, aggression in children, correct reaction to aggression. How to deal with aggression correctly?
What is aggression and aggressiveness?
Aggression, aggressiveness
(from Latin aggressio - attack) this is behavior aimed at causing physical or psychological harm.
What are the types of aggression?
Physical aggression:
the use of physical force against another person, animal or object. Examples of physical aggression: fighting, kicking, slapping, causing bodily harm, damaging property.
Verbal aggression:
verbal expression of negative feelings and emotions, verbal aggression. Examples of verbal aggression: insults, reproaches, accusations, shouting, screaming, swearing, swearing, threats.
Hostile aggression:
aggressive behavior whose ultimate goal is to cause harm and damage.
Instrumental aggression:
aggressive behavior, the purpose of which is to achieve some goal.
Altruistic aggression:
aggressive behavior whose purpose is to protect someone from something.
Internal aggression, self-aggression (auto-aggression):
aggression directed against oneself. Examples of internal aggression: self-blame, self-humiliation, self-harm, suicide.
External aggression:
aggression directed at others.
Unmotivated aggression:
aggression without reason.
Direct aggression:
aggression directed directly at someone.
Indirect aggression:
aggression directed at someone in a roundabout way (spreading gossip, weaving intrigues).
Defensive aggression:
aggression in response to someone's aggressive (or perceived aggressive) actions.
Provoking aggression:
the first manifestation of aggression, the “first attack”.
Causes of aggression and aggressive behavior
• Dissatisfaction with yourself
People who are dissatisfied with themselves are often prone to aggression, especially internal aggression (auto-aggression). In fact, dissatisfaction with oneself suggests what exactly a person lacks for harmonious development, so the only simple and effective way to overcome dissatisfaction with oneself is self-improvement!
• Fear
Anything that causes discontent and fear can also cause aggression.
• Uncertainty
Aggressive people often try to impose their dominance on others and force them to give way to them - these are the consequences of self-doubt and the fear of being “out of business.”
• Guilt
Aggression can be caused by excessive feelings of guilt. To get rid of guilt, you need to learn to take responsibility, and it’s also good to be able to apologize in time.
• Mistrust
For example, if a person has negative experience communicating with people, he can defend himself in advance, trying to prevent situations that somehow remind him of what has already happened to him. The person seems to take a defensive position in advance, hence the aggression.
• Poor health, fatigue
If a person does not get enough sleep or does not feel well, he is more likely to behave aggressively.
• Alcohol, drugs, medications
Alcohol, drugs and certain medications gradually weaken the nervous system, which leads to an inadequate aggressive reaction to seemingly unworthy situations.
• Childhood mental trauma and educational defects
Often a person becomes ill with neuroses and other mental illnesses due to the rude attitude of their parents. The child’s psyche is hundreds of times more vulnerable than the psyche of an adult, which is often not taken into account by many parents who like to sort things out in the presence of a child. Strict upbringing can also cause aggression. If you raise your child with aggressive methods, forbid him everything and punish him with blows for every offense - expect the same attitude towards your grandchildren.
• Films, games, TV shows with scenes of violence
Scenes of violence and stereotypes of aggressive behavior that are broadcast in modern films and television programs reinforce the tendency of aggressive people to act this way and not otherwise.
It has been proven that abrupt weaning of a child and insufficient communication with the mother in the first years of life can develop in the child such qualities as anxiety, suspicion, cruelty and selfishness.
10 ways to cope with your own and other people's aggression
1. Look at the situation from the outside and remain calm.
How stupid you will look if you start being rude and cursing. Save your reputation! Don't let the aggressor drive you crazy. The best option is to gently change the topic of conversation.
2. Do not be nervous.
Sometimes people get nervous over all sorts of trifles, which only increases the stock of negative emotions, causing further aggression. Think, if you are nervous and worried, will this somehow help the matter? The answer is obvious.
3. Don't blame others.
The people around you are not to blame for the fact that you are in a hurry or that you are not in the mood. Remember that in irritation it is easy to make mistakes that will be difficult to correct later!
4. Count to 10.
The good old, effective way is to count to 10 before you say anything.
5. Be kinder.
Do you like it when people treat you kindly? Others too!
6. Be patient.
Do you want to become a calm person? Develop patience. If you are angry with someone, try to mentally put yourself in that person's shoes. Ask yourself what he is right about, why he behaves this way and not otherwise.
7. Laugh more often.
Positive emotions improve not only your mood, but also your physical and mental health.
8. Move more.
One of the most effective ways to relieve stress and tension is physical activity. Do you want to increase your level of stress resistance? Then move more, preferably in the fresh air. Walk, run, swim, learn a new sport.
9. Don't give in to provocations.
Develop in yourself such a quality as balance. What words can make you angry? Think about calm and balanced responses to these irritating words.
10. Use aggression.
Use aggression for peaceful purposes, such as cleaning or jogging.
Inappropriate actions in response to aggression
Actions in response to aggression that will only aggravate the aggressive behavior of the aggressor:
• Raising your voice, threatening tone, screaming. • Demonstration of power (“I am still the teacher here”, “It will be as I say”), unyielding insistence on being right. • Aggressive postures and gestures: clenched jaw, crossed or clasped hands. • Sarcasm, ridicule, ridicule and mockery. • Use of physical force. • Drawing strangers into the conflict. • Punishments or threats of punishment. • Generalizations such as: “You are all the same”, “You are as always...”, “You never...”.
Aggression in children. Why is the child aggressive?
A child’s aggression does not appear just like that; it is motivated by something. Most often, this is a reflection of internal discomfort.
Fear and uncertainty.
Very often, a child with aggressive behavior hides a feeling of uselessness and rejection behind aggression. The indifference and cruelty of his parents instills in him the belief that no one needs him, no one loves him.
Physical punishment only increases aggression and fear
Feelings of inferiority and desire to dominate.
Parents can “trigger” the mechanism of a child’s aggressiveness by constantly belittling him. If a child is subjected to systematic humiliation in the family, then in an effort to overcome the feeling of his own inferiority, sooner or later he will try by any means to prove to adults that he is worthy of something else. Through aggression will flow the desire to demonstrate that his position is higher, that he is worthy of a different attitude, a greater degree of trust or independence. Such aggression is typical of children who have spent a long time in an authoritarian society, where their opinion is not taken into account.
The decision to have a child is associated with the acceptance by adults of responsibility for its fate. But considering yourself the root cause of everything that happens to him is completely wrong. The child is able to take responsibility for his actions. Once you ask him to do something himself, he will understand that he must be responsible for his actions. Endless instructions and parting words, and even more so complaints and lamentations after his unseemly act, will lead to aggression.
Children's energy is in full swing, do not forbid them to move endlessly, run and jump. To receive positive emotions, they need to throw out the accumulated energy. You can also play together, this will bring you and your child even closer.
Effective ways to correct childhood aggression
Communication with the child.
Establish the most trusting relationship with your child. Make sure that he does not keep problems to himself, but shares them with you. Give him support, and then you will know everything about your child.
When your child is close to getting angry, tell him: I can see that you are upset now. Let's figure out what you feel and why. As a rule, negativity, expressed in the form of words, relieves tension.
After the attack of irritation has passed, talk to the child and ask him what exactly caused such a reaction. Perhaps he was offended or felt unnecessary - so he got angry. Think about what you can do to avoid similar experiences in the future.
Don't hit your child, even if you really want to.
If you often spank your child in response to disobedience, this only confirms that you could not find the words to explain to the child how to act correctly. The history of forensic psychiatry shows that among murderers and maniacs who were particularly cruel, 97% grew up in families where physical punishment was the norm. That is why these people subconsciously believed that the physical form of influencing undesirable people (including murder) was normal.
Set a good example.
Children learn to communicate and interact with people, first of all, by observing the behavior of the people around them, primarily their parents.
Help your child learn to communicate correctly.
To avoid aggressive behavior in a child, it is necessary to teach him to respond correctly to various verbal provocations (name-calling, challenges).
Increase your child's self-esteem.
Assign important (for the child) tasks. Let him feel his importance in the family and faith in him, support from you.
Scandals, conflicts and similar negative situations deplete the nervous system and do not bring anything good. Stop spoiling your nerves (and completely in vain)! Develop patience and endurance and then nothing can make you angry.
