We live in a world that, to one degree or another, poses a danger to each of us. Stress at work, an unpleasant environment, forced communication with aggressive people leave an imprint on our psyche. The place where you can find peace and feel safe is your family and home. However, sometimes the situation is the opposite. Unfortunately, domestic violence, be it physical or mental, is not uncommon. Often the victim remains silent about the fact that he is being bullied by a domestic tyrant. We encourage you not only to speak openly about this, but also to take decisive steps towards saving yourself from domestic violence. How it manifests itself, what is the mechanism of the abuser’s behavior and how to resist aggression from a loved one, you will learn from this article.
Features of domestic violence
The term “domestic violence” refers to physical actions or strong moral pressure that the aggressor (abuser) exerts on members of his family.
Domestic tyranny occurs if:
- The abuser is aware that he is committing violence;
- The abuser uses force as a manipulative lever to achieve what he wants;
- By his actions he violates the rights of the person he has chosen as a victim;
- The abuser causes physical harm to the victim or exerts severe psychological pressure on a loved one.
There are four forms of domestic violence. Sometimes the tyrant, depending on the situation, uses several of them at once.
Physical
Manifests itself in the form of a direct effect on the victim’s body. An abuser can act in different ways depending on his cruelty: pushing, hitting, slapping. In turn, he interprets this kind of action as educational measures towards a child, wife, and so on. If a tyrant often practices physical violence, he may be well acquainted with the physiology of the human body. Simply put, he knows where to hit in order to remain unpunished. Therefore, marks from beatings are difficult to make public and record as evidence. Physical violence includes not only beatings. Sometimes it wears a veiled form. The victim is “addicted” to alcohol, drugs or starved. Physical violence also includes a ban on providing the victim with professional medical assistance, blood transfusions, and the use of medications if treatment is necessary.
Sexual
Unlike the physical form of violence, proving sexual violence is much more difficult. When it comes to violence against a spouse, this is almost impossible, since “marital duty” is carried out on a legally valid basis. As for the claims from the woman, the abuser makes excuses, as if in a fit of passion he simply went too far. The only thing the victim is advised to do in this situation is to see a psychologist, which does not solve the problem. In the case of sexual abuse of a child, the abuser can also go unpunished because he is easily intimidated and takes advantage of the victim’s age.
Economic
The tyrant commits violence by manipulating money. He takes total control of all the family’s income and expenses, scrupulously keeps house accounts, and decides for himself what to spend money on. Often he takes away the salaries of relatives or prohibits them from working, and deprives children of pocket money. Through his actions, the abuser creates an inferiority complex and a sense of guilt in his loved ones, and such victims are very easy to manipulate. In addition, a financially dependent person rarely decides to escape to nowhere.
Emotional
It manifests itself in a variety of forms: from direct insults and rudeness to sophisticated “educated” bullying aimed at creating an inferiority complex for the victim. At the same time, no matter how loved ones try to please the abuser, he will in every possible way devalue these efforts. He pursues the task of instilling in the victim his inferiority, thereby establishing control over his behavior and life. Phrases often come out of the manipulator’s mouth: “Who needs you?”, “You will be lost without me,” and so on.
Due to the peculiarities of culture, upbringing and mentality, not everyone is ready to admit that domestic violence is a serious problem. For many generations in a row, a woman was taught that she must be in married status, no matter what. At the same time, the fact of violence on the part of the husband was accepted as a given and an unchangeable attribute of family life. That is why folklore is teeming with stupid sayings in the spirit of “He hits - it means he loves”, “Darlings scold - they only amuse themselves”, “If you endure, you will fall in love.” In fact, there is no justification for such behavior and cannot be.
Risk area
It is quite difficult to build financial relationships correctly, which is why young people aged 20-30 often turn to psychologists. At this age, separation from the parental family occurs and the formation of one’s own family structure.
Financial violence is not related to family wealth. Prosperity is a relative concept: some suffer due to a lack of funds for the latest model of a high-status car, others save on groceries. At the same time, the problem of excessive control can poison the life of any family.
Even well-earning people can suffer from financial despotism. There are examples when a person with no income keeps the family budget under control. Or both work, but one partner spends his salary on food and rent, while the other spends everything exclusively on his own needs.
Financial abuse is not directly related to the way the budget is managed. As shown above, living on two separate wallets can be far from ideal. At the same time, many women willingly allow men to take full responsibility for family finances and feel comfortable “hiding behind a stone wall.”
How to recognize a domestic tyrant
The behavior of an abuser involves a series of actions aimed at destroying the identity of the victim. Depending on individual character traits, he resorts to the following manipulations:
- Makes the victim financially and emotionally dependent;
- His speech consists of constant remarks and remarks in a dissatisfied tone. At the same time, he suggests that he is doing it for the good;
- It creates in the victim a sense of duty and guilt, which she experiences even over small things (she set the table wrong, cooked it wrong, looked wrong);
- Humiliates a woman because she is a woman;
- He criticizes his victim’s environment in every possible way and does everything to narrow his circle of contacts;
- Aggressively shows jealousy towards acquaintances, friends, colleagues, children;
- He is very jealous, which motivates his cruelty;
- Feels angry watching the successes of loved ones, devaluing their achievements;
- Forbids the wife to look good: to wear makeup, jewelry and flashy clothes;
- Controls the actions of the victim, minimizing the opportunity to “go out into public”;
- He does not admit that he is wrong.
At the same time, the abuser always skillfully finds justification for his actions. My wife and children drove me crazy, there is stress at work, retrograde Mercury is again in the active phase, and so on ad infinitum.
It is noteworthy that it is not only women and children who suffer from tyranny. Men also become victims of manipulative wives. More often this is emotional violence, blackmail with sex, provocations to scandals, threats and other psychological tricks that turn life into hell.
What causes the behavior of a financial abuser?
When one person prevents another from earning or managing money, there is always a problem of distribution of power in the family. The basis for this behavior may be the fear of losing a partner. An emotionally dependent person seeks to subordinate the finances of his other half so that he will not go anywhere. For the same reason, many parents spend a long time financing their grown-up children and prevent them from earning money on their own. The desire to avoid loneliness in this way can suit everyone for a long time.
Usually the tyrant does not realize the full destructiveness of his behavior. Such people have their own motives, which seem logical and correct to them. The husband can explain for a long time why he did not allow his wife to buy a dress. Or, conversely, the wife may, at first glance, talk with reason about her ban on buying new tires for the car.
The victim of violence calls a person a tyrant. And for the rest: colleagues, friends and himself, he is a kind guy who cares about his family.
What to do as a victim of domestic violence
The complexity of the situation is further aggravated by the fact that at the legislative level the victim is practically defenseless. Especially if this is a frightened child or a person who does not have the opportunity to record the fact of committing a crime (take video evidence, take photos of beatings, record a dialogue with a tyrant). However, it is quite possible to protect yourself and start a new life. This requires courage and determination to finally turn off the tyrant-victim mode.
Analyze yourself
In a family where there is a tyrant, it is customary to blame him and only him. But he does not choose the victim by chance. It becomes a person who is subconsciously ready to shoulder this cross. The role of a codependent victim is chosen by people with low self-esteem and feelings of guilt, who punish themselves for something in this way. A psychotherapist will help you figure out where the legs of the victim complex come from. Once you get rid of this destructive attitude, you can move on.
Don't make the same mistake again
If you decide to leave the tyrant, you are on the right track. However, this is only half the story, since at first there is a great risk of breaking loose and returning to his captivity. The tyrant needs a victim, so he will almost certainly make efforts to regain control of her. The most sophisticated methods from entreaty to intimidation will be used, depending on the character and behavior of the codependent couple. So run without looking back. Look around and you will be petrified.
Emotional blackmail
A special type of manipulation is refusal to communicate, creation of emotional distance, boycott. The abuser deliberately uses emotional blackmail, punishing the “disobedient” partner by extracting certain behavior from him. Signs of his presence in a relationship:
- dialogues in the form: “If you..., then I...”;
- playing the silent game without explaining the reason;
- threats to leave, divorce, leave without funds;
- manipulation of intimacy.
Offensive jokes
To achieve his goal, an abuser makes promises but never keeps them. He insults, calls his partner bad if he does not agree with his opinion, and blames him for family problems. In communications where this type of psychological violence is present, the victim experiences feelings of guilt, fear, and remorse.
Limiting access to finance
The first sign of financial abuse is restricting access to funds. If you don't know where the finances are kept and you can't use the family budget, this is a form of toxic relationship and tyranny.
The tyrant will do his best to limit access to money. For example, he may demand that you give him bank and credit cards, provide passwords for bank deposits, and also completely take away all the victim’s earnings.
This forces the victim into complete dependence. And even when a person receives his own salary, he loses the right to dispose of it.
Loans and arrears
The family must be one. Support, support and hope for the best. But not everyone within the social unit behaves conscientiously. Unfortunately, forms of financial violence are becoming more common. Victims cannot seek help; they have no one to turn to for support and understanding.
Another sign of financial tyranny is allowing your payments to fall behind. Let's say you don't work, but you have an outstanding loan. The tyrant will deliberately not pay bills, allowing more debt to accumulate.
This is done so that the victim does not have a chance to escape. Large debts are certain problems. For example, such a spouse will not be able to take the children for himself when trying to divorce, and he is unlikely to be allowed to rent housing. This means that the person will be completely dependent. Just what a home tyrant needs.
