It is not your fault. And he won't change.
Men who put their hand on their woman rarely do it once, even if they are rich and famous. So if you are in a relationship with a guy who has hit you at least once, this is a warning sign. You can expect him to do it again.
There's something you need to know about these men, from Diane Eckard, a psychologist who studies domestic violence at Break The Cycle, an anti-violence organization.
1. Such men feel a strong need to control the woman they love.
The biggest misconception about men who hit their women is that they have anger management problems. But that's not true. They don't explode at work or at other motorists on the road. They just really want to control their woman: how she dresses, where she goes, with whom she communicates.
That is why, before using physical force, they usually constantly text and call their loved one, trying to control her life.
2. Such men sincerely love a woman, even if they beat her.
They are usually just obsessed with their woman, which makes them even more jealous and controlling. They simply don't know how to properly express these emotions. And most likely, such men themselves grew up in a home where there was violence.
3. Such men often blame their women for causing them to be cruel.
He tells himself and his woman that SHE provoked the violence by looking at another guy, wearing a skirt that was too short, or not cleaning the kitchen on time.
4. Women often blame themselves for provoking their man.
They are simply brainwashed, and they themselves believe that they did something wrong. “It’s my own fault for making him think I cheated on him.”
5. When a man apologizes for raising his hand against you, this is another form of control.
He can beat you up, and then almost cry and ask for forgiveness, promising never to do it again. Flowers, gifts... An apology may seem so sincere that you really want to forgive him.
6. Men who hit their women are insecure and cannot control their emotions.
At times they seem completely normal and stable. But the fear of losing his woman or the inability to control her leads to outbursts of anger and cruelty.
7. When a man raises his hand, he feels that he has the right to do so.
He believes that he can use any means to control the situation. Even when the police arrive, he is not ashamed of his behavior, but justifies it: “She deserved it: she behaved like a whore.”
8. If your man hits you, he is unlikely to improve.
Yes, most of these men do not want to change, because they believe that they are right. But the violence will only get worse over time, so you shouldn’t linger around such a man.
Source: soulpost.ru
The main reasons for aggression on the part of men
If a man beats a woman, psychology warns: folk wisdom that love is confirmed in this way is inappropriate here. There are many causes of domestic violence that are not related to the manifestation of high feelings. Fatigue, difficulties at work, or just a bad mood are also far from an excuse for aggression. Such cases usually become a reason for family unity - a man has a desire to share problems, ask for support, and ask his wife’s opinion.
The reasons need to be looked much deeper, eliminated if possible (often you have to seek the help of a specialist) or simply break off the relationship. You should not be afraid to start life again - there is a risk that things will get worse. Statistics say: regular incidents of violence often end disastrously for the victim.
Why does a husband beat his wife, psychology and reasons:
- bad habits. Alcohol abuse and drug addiction are the main factors affecting the psyche. A woman should be alerted to warning signs in the form of causeless aggression;
- parents' relationship. The man's childhood was difficult - his parents constantly quarreled, his father showed violence towards his mother in front of the children, who accepted the beatings meekly. The boy remembered for the rest of his life that the man in the family is the King, God, who must be worshiped. Actions towards your significant other end with impunity;
- streak of bad luck. It happens that effort, diligence, and knowledge are not enough to achieve the desired heights in life. Failures cause a feeling of resentment, which spills over to the other half;
- wife's reaction. Much depends on the behavior of the other half. If, in response to violence, the wife shows aggression and accepts beatings without complaint, by such actions the woman provokes a new use of force;
- manifestation of dictatorship. Some representatives of the stronger sex think that a dictatorship should reign in the family, the leader should be a man. The best way to assert rights is regular assault;
- woman's behavior. A disregard for children, household responsibilities, frequent infidelity, an antisocial lifestyle, alcohol abuse - the list of offenses that provoke a man’s aggression can go on for a long time;
- desire to assert oneself. It often happens that a man strives to appear courageous, strong, and brave. The husband knows: it will not be possible to withstand a worthy opponent. The only option for self-affirmation is to find a weak victim. You don’t have to search for long - there is always a spouse at hand, on whom it is easy to show strength;
- mental illnesses. Representatives of the stronger sex usually rarely turn to specialists, preferring to hide their shortcomings. Mental disorders often become causes of domestic violence;
- serious difficulties in life. A closed character does not allow you to share problems with loved ones. Anger towards the whole world accumulates in the soul, negativity, which sooner or later spills out on the person closest to you.
If a husband beats his wife, psychology can provide many more provoking factors. Even a change in hormonal levels in the body, fear of losing the respect of the family, causes aggression. Sometimes it is difficult to understand the reasons without the help of a psychologist, so you need to visit a specialist immediately after the first manifestation of violence.
Behavior modeling
When a woman has made her choice and consciously goes for a divorce from her husband, who raises his hand against her, she initially needs to find the reason for her particular pattern of behavior in the family. Otherwise, there is a high probability of repeating the same mistakes with the next partner. If you don’t figure out why a husband beats his wife, a similar situation will definitely happen again another time. You need to understand why this happens to you? Why do you allow yourself to be treated like this? In the last question, the important word is “allow”, because if such behavior had been stopped initially, when the husband beat his wife for the first time, the question of frequently repeated beatings would not have arisen today.
If, in spite of everything, a woman continues to love her husband and has decided to save the marriage, she must clearly understand and be prepared for the worst turn of events: if the husband continues to beat his wife despite his promise, the wife must separate from him.
Both the first and second options for possible developments involve a frank conversation on the topic of why men beat women. It is necessary to find out the reason for the use of force in the family and how to deal with it.
The model of our behavior in adulthood is determined by our upbringing and the environment in which our parents raised us. As children, we all imitate our parents, acting out family behavior with our toys. Of course, sometimes parents are not always right, but on a subconscious level we still follow the example set. We are clones, copying the behavior pattern of our parents.
Each family lays down in its child ideas about family, where the relationship between parents is taken as the basis.
But it’s not your fault that your actions are identical to the behavior of your parents! After all, you were not given any other example to follow when developing your personal qualities.
However, today you are already an adult and are able to build family relationships on your own - exactly as you think is right.
If a man beats a woman, why does this happen? First of all, you need to understand the root cause of his aggression towards his partner. Once you know the motive, it will be much easier to determine how to prevent it.
What to do, what to do if your husband uses force?
How to react if there is violence in the family and the husband beats his wife, psychology is categorical - you don’t need to endure it. Such cases will provoke sad consequences, one of which is the destruction of personality. The help of a specialist will be powerless. Statistics show that few women succeed in returning to a full life.
If a man raises his hand against a woman, psychology suggests changing the situation - leaving. It is recommended to choose a calm, quiet place, allowing you to think about whether you should try to save the marriage and correct your husband’s behavior. Cases when a spouse changes for the better and refuses assault are rare. Practice proves that the slightest provoking factor is enough to cause a breakdown. Then it gets worse - the man will try to take revenge for leaving, to punish arbitrariness.
If you had to leave home after the husband raised his hand against his wife, the advice of a psychologist will help determine the further course of behavior:
- turn to a specialist who will help you open up, continue to enjoy life, and explain ways to overcome difficulties without the support of an aggressor husband;
- meet with your spouse only on neutral territory (in a crowded place), go to a meeting accompanied by a friend, relatives, or work colleagues;
- in case of divorce, consult a competent specialist and ask to study the documents;
- pay attention to children - the child’s psyche has difficulty accepting information about the parents’ breakup, it is recommended to say that dad has gone to work;
- not to be ashamed of what happened - tell friends and family the reason for the breakup, accept material, spiritual help, support;
- Don't be afraid to go to court. Condemnation of relatives is not a reason to refuse worthy punishment of an abusive spouse;
- do not pay attention to unfriendly whispers, condemnations, gossip behind your back - the condemnation of neighbors and friends is not enough to tolerate subsequent attacks of your husband’s aggression.
If a man raises his hand against a woman, psychology warns that aggression and vindictiveness are coming nearby. The spouse will certainly try to use force again, punishing for leaving. It is not recommended to be alone with your husband even for a minute - it is impossible to predict the consequences of carelessness.
Correcting your husband - is it possible?
A woman’s desire to save her marriage by trying to change her husband’s behavior is understandable—ladies cannot imagine loneliness. Will it be possible to correct the behavior of the other half, how to stop aggressive manifestations on the part of the husband - questions to which it is recommended to seek answers with a specialist.
What to do if your husband hit you, is it worth forgiving, the advice of a psychologist will be indispensable for making the right decision. Experts warn: both spouses need to change.
A woman must realize that too much depends on the behavior of her wife. Get ready for difficulty right away. Supporting your husband in his endeavors, the ability to listen carefully, give advice, and avoid conflicts are a small part of the psychologist’s recommendations. To prove to your spouse by your behavior that your soulmate is nearby, regardless of success or life’s problems.
Criticism of a spouse is unacceptable, even if a man acts incorrectly, mistakes will lead to unpleasant situations. Forget past shortcomings, misdeeds - no reproaches! Frequent encouragement, praise, and flattering words are the only option for communication.
Psychology gives recommendations on how to change your spouse after situations in which a man beats a woman. A representative of the stronger sex must find a way to relieve emotions and direct aggressiveness in a different direction. There are two effective methods developed by psychologists.
The first option is to get out of the habit of asserting an opinion using assault. Learn to express thoughts and actions in words. It is enough to express dissatisfaction with your spouse and explain the reason for your anger - you won’t have to prove your case with your fists. Over time, you will be able to constantly express anger and resentment in words, and your behavior will become a habit.
The second method is simpler and does not require much effort. Intense sports - boxing, wrestling, football - will allow you to direct energy in a direction that is safe for your spouse. Having taken out his aggression on his opponent, the punching bag, the satisfied man will return home. There will be no thoughts left of proving superiority with fists.
Helpful advice! It is important for the spouse to avoid conflicts, even if there is dissatisfaction with the late return. A quarrel can become a drop that provokes new violence, despite the man’s fatigue.
Useful advice from psychologists
If a husband raised his hand against his wife, the psychologist’s advice will be useful and will help avoid provoking difficult situations. A specialist who, over the years of practice, has helped change his worldview and his life is Nikita Valerievich Baturin. The recommendations and experience of a psychologist-hypnologist are successfully used in practice by women, change the behavior of spouses, and restore former relationships. How possible is it to save the family if the husband hits his wife, what to do - the advice of psychologist Nikita Valerievich will provide invaluable help.
What to do, what to do if a husband beats his wife, advice from a psychologist:
- give up searching for a man’s aggression - only with the help of a specialist will it be possible to determine the provoking factor;
- It is not recommended to correct character flaws or fight violence on your own - together with a psychologist you will be able to choose an effective way to resist aggression;
- adhere to the line of behavior developed together with a specialist, do not engage in amateur activities - if a man hits a woman, psychology will help you choose the right path;
- make sure of the man’s desire to change family relationships for the better - if the spouse does not see the bad in attacks of aggression, it will not be possible to correct the husband;
- avoid conflicts - leave your spouse alone for a few hours, go shopping, visit your parents;
- do not respond to violence with violence - joint fights will end sadly.
It happens that a woman gets lost if her husband hits her, the psychologist’s advice turns out to be useless - the recommendations are forgotten and are not put into practice. It is important not to limit yourself to one visit to a specialist - in one or two sessions, says Nikita Valerievich Baturin, it will not be possible to develop an effective line of behavior.
Psychology has precise answers to the question of why a man beats a woman, but without consulting a specialist, there is no need to hope for a resumption of the relationship. Attacks of aggression on the part of a spouse are caused by factors that are difficult for a woman to determine on her own. Violence is stopped by eliminating the cause, otherwise the only way to avoid beatings is a complete severance of relations.
Source: ProPanika.ru
Introduction. I don't want template answers
Usually, when talking about physical violence in the family, it is customary to react very harshly. There are template sentences like “drive him away!”, “run away” and the like.
Women who don’t have a good family life themselves and don’t know how to build relationships especially like to give tough advice. But even psychologists often speak categorically.
I don't like to give thoughtless advice and suggest thinking instead.
Is it possible to justify a man... and does it make sense to accuse him?
I wanted to write about this at the end, but then I realized that it was better to start with this.
Because otherwise, women’s indignation will know no bounds and not everyone will finish reading the article. If a man raised his hand to a woman, this is an ugly and undignified act. Nothing justifies a man who does this. And everything further that I write is not to justify men, and not to blame women.
A man must be able to restrain himself and control his emotions. He must remember that the woman is weaker than him. And also that using force against a woman means admitting your weakness.
But not all men are perfect. Or rather, all men are not perfect. It’s great, of course, to dream about such a Buddha man who, in response to any of your tricks, says in an even voice “sit down, honey, calm down, let’s discuss this.” Many women picture in their imagination just such an image of a real man from books and movies. But you won't see them in life. For example, I’m not like that, and I’ve never even seen anyone like them.
Therefore, you can continue to search, or you can try to analyze what is happening to you right now.
If your goal is to find the culprit, then you can blame the man, since you have reasons. And if you want to change your life, you should think about why the situation arose, what your role is in it, and what you can do.
Why is the responsibility for the fact that a man used physical force on both partners?
If you think that a man is offending you, showing brute force, and you got into the situation by accident, you are mistaken. In a relationship, partners always act together. One can start a psychological game, provoke the other to take certain actions, but the other can support or refuse. And if he accepted the game, then the responsibility lies with him too. And you need to be able to take your share of responsibility, including for the problem of domestic violence.
It doesn’t happen that a man just wanted and hit, or wanted and pushed a woman. Something triggered him. Most likely the woman herself.
What is a victim script?
A healthy and confident woman who attracts an aggressor is an almost unrealistic situation. Most likely, this is a woman with a victim scenario.
In psychology there is a concept of victimization. There is a field of science - victimology, which studies the behavior of the victim. The victim lives according to a scenario according to which she needs to find the offender. A woman with such a scenario unconsciously looks for a man who is prone to violence, or provokes aggression from someone nearby.
If this is not the first time you find yourself in a situation where a man raises his hand to you or otherwise shows aggression, most likely you subconsciously like to be a victim. And it’s important to work with this, because otherwise any man will feel your mood, and this will provoke him into inappropriate behavior.
How women cause male aggression
They say that men hit with their hands, and women with words. And blows with words can be much more painful. There are women who like to be sarcastic, to tease a man, to hurt his pride. It is usually in the nature of such women to leave the last word and not remain silent under any circumstances. “You have her word, she gives you ten.” This depresses a man, and he may lose his temper.
Another, although similar, situation is when a woman tests a man’s strength. This is an anxious woman who needs confirmation that there is a strong person next to her. She doesn’t know how to control her emotions and wants to be sure that at least he can. One time is not enough for her to check, and she constantly tugs at him, teases him, provokes him. She expects a masculine reaction from him, a calm one. She wants to hear in response: “Honey, don’t worry, everything will be fine.” It may work once, twice, three times... but the man is also alive and gets tired. Some for the fifth time, some for the twenty-fifth, but sooner or later any man will break down. He will either leave, or still shout, or use force.
Why can a man lose his temper?
Often women unconsciously find a moment of male vulnerability, when it is especially painful for a man to hear disrespectful words from them that hurt his pride.
He may doubt his masculinity due to problems with money or quarrels with friends, he may have emotional burnout, some other problems at work, and then you don’t respect him. And this may be the last straw that breaks him. I don’t make excuses for men, I tell you what not to do so as not to ruin your life. Therefore, do not provoke, do not try to show that you are stronger, cooler, smarter. This will give you absolutely no benefit, except that you will actually be stronger and smarter, and you will have a weak and stupid man next to you.
I know sad stories when a man in a difficult situation broke down into physical aggression, and the family eventually broke up. He was a good family man, a good person, a good worker. But when his pride was severely slashed, he could not stand it. But the woman could not forgive. And then I regretted it for years, because I lost a reliable and beloved person.
Don’t annoy people, work with the habit of sarcastic, teasing, hitting with words. If you need to criticize your husband for some reason, do it tactfully. And sometimes it’s even worth giving in, stopping in time, and not stirring up the conflict. Remember that for many men, a blow to pride is the most painful.
How to react correctly if a man raises his hand
If this happened for the first time, this is not a death sentence for the relationship, but a serious wake-up call. It means that both you and the man are doing something very wrong.
If manifestations of force begin on the part of a man, the first thing to do is to immediately let him understand that this is unacceptable with you, that you are not the kind of person who will tolerate (it is important that you really think so, that you are not a victim justifying your offender).
Second, discuss the situation in great detail. Why did this happen, what made him do it, how did you feel and why does it scare you.
And it is important that each of you admit that you were wrong. You are your part of the responsibility (let’s say you provoked him), and the man is his. No matter how you behaved, he had no right to treat you that way.
It happens that a man does not want to apologize, but instead justifies himself. He may even cite arguments from the first part of the article, say “it’s your own fault,” “what did you want when you behaved like that?” But you can’t leave it like that, demand an apology and an admission of wrongdoing. Otherwise, it will be difficult to build further relationships - resentment and fear will remain in you, the man will feel that he can behave with you as he pleases... and the situation will repeat itself, and perhaps in a worse way.
To forgive or not?
It all depends on the circumstances, including the degree of physical impact. A man can hit a woman, or he can push or press her, roughly grab her during a conflict or quarrel. This is also an impact, also the use of brute physical force, but still not a blow. These are different things and the reaction to this should also be different.
I believe that if there were no blows, but a rough impact, and it is not repeated regularly, the situation is not critical. This is a reason for conversation, of course, but not for immediately breaking off relations.
But if a man hit, let alone beat, then the question of separation must be raised. Whatever your responsibility, no matter how wrong you behave, you first need to decide whether you are ready to continue the relationship in which this happened. And perhaps you need to be at a distance from the man, at least temporarily, and then analyze the causes of domestic violence - what is your responsibility, what is his responsibility, and so on.
This needs to be done for two reasons. Firstly, because you need to protect yourself physically. And secondly, because if you do not react to this unambiguously and continue the relationship, the man may have the feeling that everything is fine, this is possible with you.
There are situations when a man hit you or a woman in general for the first time in his life, he was afraid of it himself, regrets and feels guilty. You can forgive something like this once, but you definitely need to figure out what triggered it. You can forgive, discuss, discuss, agree on something, make it clear that this is unacceptable and indicate that next time there will be a separation.
Conclusion
I hope you have seen that the “man hit” situation is ambiguous. And that it is impossible to say “a man who hits is bad, if he doesn’t hit, he is good.” It all depends on the relationship, the situation, your attitudes, how you behave, the kind of men you attract. And most importantly, even a perfectly correct, intelligent person can break if pushed to the limit. Read the article “The Basic Axiom of Communication”, it is about the importance of how much we ourselves influence how we are treated. And if you learn to communicate correctly with people, you won’t even have to think about domestic violence.
Vadim Kurkin
Source: vadimkurkin.com
husband constantly rapes
Anna Varga Rapists involuntarily A. Varga - Candidate of Psychological Sciences, President of the Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists, Head. Department of Systemic Family Psychotherapy of the Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis.
Domestic violence, everything - physical, sexual, emotional - happens often and in many families, but is not always perceived as violence by all participants in this process.
There are, of course, obvious cases of fathers, stepfathers, uncles and other male relatives raping and/or systematically beating little girls or boys. This is usually classified by others as violence. In many other cases, the perpetrator does not believe that he is committing violence, the victim does not believe that he is being violated, and the witness does not understand what he is observing. A husband and wife quarreled and fought, but the husband turned out to be more powerful than his wife and, in the heat of the fight, beat her a little harder than he intended. What's this? Physical violence? Nine out of ten people will be surprised by this definition. “It’s a family matter, with whom it doesn’t happen, well, they quarreled, the two dear ones fight...” I observed a cross-cultural marriage - the husband was Russian, the wife was American. One day a husband slapped his wife. His wife decided to divorce him and, moreover, put him in prison for physical violence. If they lived in America, she would have done so. It didn’t work out for her in Russia. The police laughed a lot, and the husband said: “You are even stupider than I thought. This is a common thing in our family. Dad beat my mother, and I beat my first wife.” The husband did not object to the divorce; he was offended that his wife wanted to put him in prison. Here's another familiar story. The husband demands sex from his wife. If she refuses, there will be a scandal. Quarrel for several days. The wife agrees. She makes love to her husband under duress and does not know that she is a victim of spousal violence. The child behaves badly. He was spanked. Parents will say: “We taught him.” In fact, physical violence was carried out against the child. Are there many people who were never touched by anyone in childhood? And there are hardly any people who were never yelled at in childhood. Not at home, but at school they shouted and frightened me with terrible threats. The normal developmental situation of a Russian child is accompanied by such emotional violence almost every day. Meanwhile, the stress that a child experiences in a situation of emotional abuse is no different from the stress that occurs in a situation of physical and sexual abuse. At one time, under my leadership, coursework was completed at the Department of Psychology and Pedagogy of the Pedagogical Institute, now it is a pedagogical university. A survey was conducted among students: what is your most unpleasant school memory? It turned out that for most, the most unpleasant memory is the teacher’s scream. Interestingly, it doesn't matter whether the teacher was yelling at you or your classmate. It is equally traumatic to be both a victim and a witness of violence. Any systematic violence leads to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder in the victim and witness. In everyday life, the most noticeable signs of post-stress disorder are the so-called symptoms of increased excitability in a child: irritability, sleep disturbances, disobedience, difficulty concentrating, explosive reactions, involuntary physiological reaction to an event that symbolizes or resembles trauma. For example, if you swing your hand at a beaten child, he may close his eyes, recoil, cover himself with his hands, get scared, and cry, despite the fact that he is faced only with a threat, not with real violence. An unbeaten child will simply be surprised. Agitation symptoms are the smallest signs of post-traumatic stress disorder and can be caused by domestic violence of any kind. There is, however, another consequence of the experience of violence, which in some sense is worse than those listed above. Experienced violence leads to the formation of low self-esteem. A child draws conclusions about himself, about his worth in this life, by how significant adults treat him. If a child is offended, humiliated, beaten, scared by shouting, threats, used sexually, etc., then the child becomes convinced that he is not worth anything better, that he deserves all this because he is bad. Often this irrational belief shapes his entire future life. It must be said that the same logic applies to adult victims of violence. They always ask themselves: “Why did this happen to me?” In random, irrational, cruel and unjust events, people try to find logic and meaning: retribution for sins, their own wrong behavior, such as provoking violence, and a certain feeling of their general abomination, which is the reason for what happened. A child's low self-esteem leads to the fact that he stops looking for a kind attitude towards himself and strives for success. The experience of violence will teach the child to commit this violence, however, now in relation to the weaker and defenseless. Many adult abusers were victims of abuse as children.
A passive witness to violence also experiences the negative consequences of this experience. The saddest consequence is the feeling of defenselessness - both of yourself and of the adult victim. An irresistible, hopeless defenselessness - and then either resignation to this thought and the appearance of a submissive victim, or a violent protest against it - and the appearance of an aggressive rapist. The first experience of violence in this case is usually committed against the one who tortured the victim in front of the child. A familiar plot: a son beat, maimed, killed his father, who had been pursuing and tormenting his mother for years.
So, it becomes a vicious circle: violence begets violence. Where there is violence, there are victims. Participants in the abuser-victim-witness triangle reproduce these roles in subsequent generations and/or with other people. Few people manage to avoid this on their own, without special efforts or special help.
Violence is widespread in everyday life. It is so commonplace that we don’t even consider violence to be violence, it’s the norm. The reasons for common cruelty are found in the culture of our society. Let's take a closer look at the situation with emotional abuse. Yelling, as mentioned, is the most familiar form of emotional abuse. For many children, screaming is paralyzing. A paradoxical situation often arises: they want to rush the child, but at first they simply say, “Hurry, hurry.” Then they start screaming - and here there is a complete destruction of the activity that the child was engaged in, albeit not quickly enough. Generally speaking, many parents and teachers know that yelling does not lead to the desired result. However, they continue to shout at the children. For what? A person does not commit meaningless acts. If the scream continues, it means it is being made for something else. For example, to relieve your own tension and anxiety by shouting. Receive relaxation, despite the fact that the relaxation of an adult costs the child emotional comfort. “I feel bad, but will I still take care that the child feels good?” — one dad asked me indignantly. A statement typical of an emotional abuser. It suggests that the rapist almost never separates himself from the victim and perceives himself and the child in a sense as one whole. In a family where emotional abuse occurs frequently, there is an unspoken rule. It is formulated something like this: “All members of our family should feel the same thing at the same time.” This is especially true in relation to negative feelings. My mother came home from work, where her boss had insulted and upset her, and she yelled at her family. All her family are now upset and offended. Everyone feels the same, it brings people together, it reminds people that they are not strangers to each other. Direct transfer of feelings. Mom gave away a little of her frustrations, and she felt better. They often say about children: “Until he gets it, he won’t calm down.” It seems as if the child is causing a scandal, provoking an adult. If you punish such a child, he will cry and then quickly calm down. I conveyed a little of my inner anxiety to an adult, and it became easier. In cases where a person does not really understand where he ends and where the other person begins, where his feelings are and where the other person’s feelings are, where his problems are and where the other person’s problems are, where his responsibility is and where the other person’s responsibility is. , — emotional abuse easily arises there. Violence is committed by a person who has weak, intermittent boundaries of his own personality. He easily and naturally “merges” his grief, rage, and resentment into another person, and if the other is just as “holey and limitless,” then he easily takes everything. He is offended, and he is offended, he allows himself to be insulted, humiliated, tormented, because it is difficult for him to separate himself from the feelings and actions of another. He becomes emotionally infected and involved. So the pair necessary for carrying out violence was formed - the rapist and his victim. In families where there is emotional abuse, personal boundaries are always poorly constructed. Or rather, these families consist of people with weak personal boundaries. The child in these cases is a successful partner, because the boundaries of his personality are weak due to his age. It’s rare to see a baby whose mother, for example, is yelling at her, and he calmly and sympathetically looks at her and says: “I understand that you’ve had a hard day, Mommy. Let me tell you better how we had music classes in kindergarten.” Instead, he either gets scared or offended - in a word, he gets infected and gets involved. The circle is closed.
The weakness of personal boundaries is, in a sense, a cultural specificity of Russia. The bearer of folk wisdom and truth, Platon Karataev, knew how to “live in peace”, to be part of the whole. Tolstoy writes: “Platon Karataev remained forever in Pierre’s soul... the personification of everything Russian, good and round... But his (Plato. - A.V.) life, as he himself looked at it, had no meaning as a separate life. It made sense only as a part of the whole, which he constantly felt.” This ability to be happy because you are a part of something larger, because you do not have independent value, is achieved precisely with the help of blurred boundaries of personality, blurred individuality.
In the Russian language there is no concept adequate to the English privacy. This is something like privacy, personal sovereignty. There is no concept and therefore no need. An open soul is what is valued. This is a wonderful concept that has no analogues in other cultures. Russian culture has developed rules of upbringing that allow one to keep personal boundaries open. “Be like everyone else”, “What do you need more than everyone else?”, “Don’t oppose yourself to the team” - children often hear these maxims. A good child is an obedient child. It is ideal when a child listens and obeys without asking: “Why is that?” Adults cannot always explain why this is so, and as an argument they say: “Because I told you to.” Or: “Because I know better what’s good for you.” The last argument strikes with sincere conviction. Children believe. Mom knows best; in this case, mom is responsible for organizing someone else’s life. Even if this life is your own child’s, it is still not your own life, which means it is someone else’s. Parents are usually offended by such reasoning. It seems to them that not taking responsibility for the life of a child, not managing him, means abandoning this child to certain death. Explaining your demands is the same as not trusting your own parental authority and bending over in front of your child. To keep yourself in control, not to show your feelings directly - to be insincere, to distance yourself. If you look at the matter from the other side, it turns out that unquestioning obedience is necessary to exercise authoritarian control, and behind it, in turn, lies a lack of faith in the common sense and mental strength of the child, a kind of disrespect for the child. I agree that the ability to control yourself requires a slightly greater distance - after all, you are dealing not with your own leg or arm, but with an individual person.
For habitual closeness, for the luxury of unfinished individuation, for the open boundaries of the individual, we pay with the enormous prevalence of, first of all, emotional violence in families, and often all sorts of other things. In each generation, a new historical community of people is recreated, all of them suffering from the phenomena of post-traumatic stress, but not knowing it. Are we overpaying for cultural identity?
Fake wrapper
During the wedding, you are sure that everything will be as wonderful as it was during the candy-bouquet period: “serenades under the window,” text messages with or without reason, tender love and other delights. Alas, sometimes it’s just shiny packaging, and the product itself underneath is of a completely different quality.
After the registry office, you notice that the man changes dramatically and demands unconditional submission. Maybe patriarchy is in our blood, although in fact it has long been out of step with modern realities.
We just got married, there were no questions: you could take care of yourself, work or study - in a word, you were a modern person. And now he abruptly changes course and says: “Stay at home, I’ll earn enough for my family. But don’t expect extra money - you’ll waste it all. Since you are my wife, get used to living at the level that I can provide.” This is the first stage, and at the next stage you ask yourself: if your husband hits you, what should you do?
You can break up right away, but everything is not so simple. What to do if this is love - the real one. Or if you are already pregnant? Yes, unfortunately, few people can be surprised by the fact that a husband beats his pregnant wife. This picture is scary to even imagine, but what’s even scarier is that, due to her supposedly hopeless situation, the expectant mother endures and forgives again and again.
Why does the husband start raising his hand? Psychology suggests that no one gives up for any reason. Most likely, there were alarm bells before.
Remember, even before the wedding, he grabbed you sharply by the hand, or yelled, or maybe even swung your hand - that was true, right? And then he apologized, promised that it would not happen again, or something like that. Even then it was worth thinking about whether you need such love!
And here’s another alarming signal: you met his parents and saw that in his family yelling at each other is in the order of things. Or he is from a single-parent family, where punches were a common way of upbringing. Here you should think three times about the future - you can easily connect your life with a tyrant.
There is another common problem when the husband drinks and hits. What should you do if your man loves to drink, and under the influence of alcohol, a seemingly decent, caring and good person becomes a batterer? There is only one way out - stop drinking. Don’t be afraid to put the question bluntly: either drink or family. Think about your future, about your children. After all, one day he may beat you so hard that nothing can be returned or changed.
But unfortunately, few people manage to take action in time and not lead their family to problems with assault. But what if you didn’t think about it in time, and the tragedy has already happened? If your own husband beats you, what should you do? It is necessary to record the damage and make copies of the medical examination. Don’t be shy about writing a statement to the police - how else can you fight if you’re weaker? If a man hits a woman, he should not go unpunished.
Of course, there are self-defense courses, but this path is quite dangerous. You won’t learn to defend yourself well in just a few lessons, and when you respond to a blow, you will actually accept his rules of the game. In the heat of a fight, anything can happen, especially if inappropriate objects are at hand. It can result in severe injuries and even death - you can become both a victim and a killer. In Russia, tens of thousands of people die in such domestic fights.
My wife beats me: from a happy marriage to beatings
Andrey met Olya and immediately understood that this was fate. And not in vain, their union is a natural pair. He is a fast and flexible man. He loves to travel and cannot sit in one place for a minute. You always have to run and fly somewhere. And she is soft, feminine, gentle. Teacher, loves children. The spouses complement each other and have a strong marriage.
Over time, something went wrong in their family. Andrey worked as a sales agent and did not move up the career ladder. The salary remained at the same level, friends began to call him a loser. He tried to simultaneously trade on the Internet, but there was no particular success there either.
Immersed in his problems, more and more often the husband did not notice Olya and her desires. The wife began to accumulate grievances. “I try for him, but he completely abandoned me. He can’t hammer a nail in the house, his hands are from the wrong place. I hate it! I would have killed him!” Is it any wonder that the woman began to break down, scandalize and humiliate her husband at every opportunity.
And one day it happened. Andrei came home from work, quickly ate and went to bed, not noticing how his wife was giving signals of love. In response, the enraged wife attacked her husband with her fists. She beat him furiously and desperately, driving into him all the accumulated complaints.
And when the outburst of anger passed, Olya herself was afraid of what she had done. Small and fragile, compared to Olya, my husband got it hard.
Psychology of the victim
In our country, unfortunately, it is not customary to sympathize with women who have fallen under domestic tyranny.
Few people even understand why a husband beats his wife. And women themselves often contribute to this attitude; their diagnosis is the psychology of the victim. They say that if she hits me, it means she is to blame and deserves it. Of course, you deserve it - since you allow yourself to be treated like that! Yes, there is a saying “if the seventh husband hits you in the face, then it’s not the husband, but the face,” but not all women are to blame for everything themselves!
What explanations can be found if a guy hits a girl? The psychology here is simple, cave-like. He thinks something like this: “If I recognize a woman as equal, then I myself will become like a woman, I will cease to be a man.” In reality, of course, the opposite is true. A real man considers it beneath his dignity to raise a hand against those who are weaker - this is the path of cowards and scoundrels.
If your husband hits you, the main thing is not to endure it! Don't be afraid to confront your husband! After all, as soon as you begin to endure, you get involved in this game, from which it is almost impossible to get out. Usually this is for life - and an unhappy life. Or maybe not for long - in a fit of anger, but under the influence of a drunken person, anything can happen.
But the worst thing is that children can pay for such a woman’s mistake! Quite recently, a tragic incident occurred: a quarrel broke out between a husband and wife, which escalated into a fight. The son (a boy about 5 years old), seeing this, rushed to his mother’s defense and began to pull his father’s trouser leg. In a fit of anger, he pushed the child away. The boy hit the battery and received a non-life-threatening injury. The man was sent to prison. The woman ended up in intensive care.
But even if, thank God, everyone remains alive, the crippled children’s psyche will not allow them to live in harmony and happiness! Even if this game suits you personally, it will traumatize your child for life. He sees everything: fights, humiliation - and will repeat all that in his life. The daughter will turn into the same victim, the son - into a new tyrant. And you must break this vicious circle. Here and now. And don’t walk around with a bat and expect people to feel sorry for you.
Why do women still get involved in this game? Why do they tolerate it if their husband beats them, don’t record the beatings, and even in the hospital they say that they “just fell”? Like Yesenin: “Nothing, I tripped over a stone, everything will heal by tomorrow.” Why?
Probably, cave instincts awaken in many of us too. There are many such paradoxes in nature, opposites attract each other. A good girl needs a bad boy, a monogamous girl is attracted to a philanderer, give the “fool” a “knowledge.” We are looking for what we lack - and aggression can subconsciously attract us.
In addition, this game also has white stripes. Many people like it when a man later apologizes and repents - until the next beating. Much like Ivan the Terrible, who alternated repentance with executions. This is already such a ritual dance that even neighbors get used to it. A brawler husband sometimes looks like an alcoholic husband (especially since these roles are often combined).
In the soft version, during breaks he turns into pure “gold”: gentle, caring, attentive. And then it rolls in and away we go. Maybe the moon came close, or Saturn was in the wrong house - who knows? But the male head turns off, the muscles come into play.
