Who should be in charge in the house, mom or dad? Who is raising the children? Who earns money for the family? Who hunts the mammoth? Who keeps the fire in the cave? Who takes care of the house? The answers to these questions are recorded in our DNA code.
When you enter into a relationship, form a couple, two completely different universes are connected. On the one hand, there was a universe in which there were the same rules. On the other hand, there is a universe with completely different rules. And everyone believes that their rules are the most correct. And this is how you need to live.
Why is this happening? About relationships, who is more important in them - a man or a woman -
We have a huge number of beliefs. They are formed at the genetic level, because thousands and even millions of men and women built relationships before us, developed the rules of these relationships.
In addition, there are national beliefs or beliefs of the collective consciousness. In one country there are some rules of interaction between a man and a woman, in another country there are different rules. Depending on what religion we belong to, what nation we belong to, or maybe we belong to several at the same time - information about this is embedded in us, we have it all inside us.
Based on this, we begin to build relationships. And it seems to us that our version ,
our rules are the most correct. We are constantly fighting. We begin to prove to our partner that our option is the best.
How to get away from this struggle for dominance? In fact, it happens subconsciously. People think: these are my parents - they still live together, and that means their way of family life is the best option. This means that if I live the same way, if I do the same, then my marriage will also be preserved for many years.
But on the other hand there were completely different rules. And this second partner also thinks: “My family is wonderful! I grew up in it, and I turned out to be such a good person! So, my parent family is the best option!” And subconsciously we enter into a struggle for dominance, for who should be the head of the family.
How it was in historical Russia
In pre-revolutionary Russia, gender roles and, accordingly, the functions of husband and wife were determined by the traditions of Christianity and church sources. One of the main grounds for the primacy of the husband and the subordinate position of the wife in the family for our ancestors after the baptism of Rus' in 988 for centuries was the biblical words of the apostle. Pavla:
Wives, obey your husbands... for the husband is the head of the wife... Husbands, love your wives... husbands should love their wives as their own bodies: he who loves his wife loves himself (Message to the People of Ephesus, chapter 5)
At the dawn of ancient Russian statehood in the 11th century, Metropolitan Hilarion of Kiev, in one of his letters, warned wives not to argue with their husbands, otherwise the men would feed them to dogs. And the main family benefit of Rus' - “Domostroy” - regarded a woman as a worker and housewife, wife and mother - no professional ambitions, fitness or beauty salons:
Having collected wool and flax, he will do everything that is needed with his own hands, it will be like a trading ship : it absorbs all the wealth from everywhere. And he will rise in the middle of the night and give food to the house and work to the maidservants. He will increase wealth from the fruits of his hands. Having girded his loins tightly, he will fix his hands on the work. And she teaches her children, as well as her maidservants, and her lamp does not go out all night...
And at this time the husband, having returned from the field or battle, has the right to rest:
...her husband will be in the assembly of nobles or sit with acquaintances who always honor him... (ibid.)
What to do with the eternal struggle between men and women for dominance?
What to do? Learn to listen and hear your partner! Work with your ego and admit that perhaps your option is not the best. There is still a huge space of options in the universe that you may not notice.
But in order to get out of this paradigm, in order to rise above it, you need to do a lot of work on yourself. We need to accept that there are other ways to achieve harmony, there are other ways of running a household, there are other ways of making money, there are other ways of interaction.
When we are able to see more possibilities, we can unleash our abundance. And, as a result, the abundance of your family.
When inside you are constantly fighting about who is more important in the house - the husband or the wife,
- you are no longer in the mood to move forward. You just get stuck in this mess and don't move forward. Family development stops, prosperity is not achieved, because you are constantly struggling.
Men began to come to my trainings. And they began to bring their wives. Although in Russia a significant part of the male population tries to avoid contacts with psychologists and various seminars and trainings.
This happens because Russian men have such a subconscious program: we are already real boys, why do we need something else? For them there is no doubt why the man is the head of the family.
But in response to this belief, Russian women begin to limit men, put pressure on them, thereby preventing them from being themselves and developing.
When a woman constantly says that you are not capable of anything, you cannot earn money, you cannot take out the trash, then a man begins to believe in this and translate this behavior into life. And if he himself does not believe in his capabilities and talents, then it is unlikely that they will be seen in society, by the employer, by clients.
For men, the key is the confidence “I can do it!” From birth, men have a program that they owe everyone: you shouldn’t cry, you shouldn’t offend girls, you should earn money. And it is difficult for men to develop under the weight of this debt.
Many clients complain to me about their husbands, that they cannot support their family or take care of their children. But why are you living with a person who can't cope? This is about you. What did you do to change things? It is an illusion that a man should support you and do something for you.
Adults need to learn to rely on themselves. If you are waiting for outside support, it means you are in a state of victimhood. And you won’t be able to change anything in your life by playing the role of the weak side.
Many women complain to me that after the wedding, the husband began to behave badly, show disrespect and dominance. I answer my clients: it means that you gave him internal permission to behave this way, you allowed him to behave this way. And then the question of your value arises: do you agree to tolerate this or not? Are you capable of fulfilling an adult role or not?
Thetahilling has certain exercises and loads for men and women to gain self-confidence. A confident, freely developing person will not find out who is more important in the family, man or woman.
He will develop harmoniously himself and transmit harmony to the closest relationships.
A client came to me with a desperate complaint: after the birth of the child, everything went to pieces for the next 4 years, the family was collapsing.
Having children is a big stress for a family. Everything in it is being rebuilt, all family members are looking for new points of support, their roles, what place is now assigned to them in this new social structure. If there is still love between a man and a woman, then they can heal the family from stress and become support for each other in their new roles.
I view marriage as an equal partnership. Matriarchy or patriarchy is not acceptable to me. I am not one of those women who consider themselves a button on a shirt or the handle of a mug. I believe that everyone has the right to self-realization, everyone has the right to live their own life, even if you have a family and children.
We do not have the task of determining
who is in charge in our family.
If when I need to be in the frame, my husband “neutralizes” the heirs. At the same time, Sergei is in charge of finance and administration of the business and family investments.
Rules are important in creating any harmonious relationship. And agreements.
Why are family roles changing more and more often?
These changes are based on both everyday and psychological reasons. The process of raising a man and a father who is incapable of performing traditional male household (and not only...) duties or who does not want to perform them, as well as the process of growing up the future “iron lady” lies in the family. In many ways, he is tied to his mother's position.
Let’s imagine that in a complete family a son and daughter are growing up peacefully. With a calm and obedient father, a strong-willed mother raises children in the same way as in her own family. Those. with the same functional care, she suppresses the rebellious boyish qualities of her son and condones “women’s rights” in the person of her daughter. Two people grow up completely different in terms of family roles: like dad, the son will always obey his wife, and the daughter, like mom, will always lead. And since the fair half is increasingly gaining weight in the world community, such models of upbringing are becoming more common.
Of course, there are other reasons, for example, an unconscious attempt by a calm and quiet man to have a bright and courageous woman next to him, capable of holding everything in her hands, stopping a galloping horse and walking through a burning hut.
Responsibilities and privileges of men
Undoubtedly, knowledge and adherence to the rules of etiquette are necessary. We are losing a lot in the eyes of residents of European countries due to low everyday culture and ignorance of the rules of etiquette
, which have long become the norm of behavior of the population in the West. But the external aspect of the relationship between a man and a woman does not play such a significant role in our lives.
We spend most of our free time from work with our family. The vast majority of families now do not go to the movies, theaters, or restaurants, and in city transport an atmosphere of such rudeness and selfishness has formed that no rules of etiquette can change it.
Now let's touch on the issue of a man fulfilling his duties
, first of all, regarding the wife and other family members. In different nations, the relationship between a man and a woman developed differently - from the slave position of a woman, when she did not have the right to appear in public places with her face uncovered or to sit at the table with men when receiving guests, to her deification, when all household chores were performed by servants, Even children were fed with their milk by other women.
Historically family
We have a working life, with a certain distribution of responsibilities between spouses, traditional respect for a woman - mother, wife, sister, daughter. This is how it has remained to this day. But the difficult living conditions in which many families find themselves today are making certain adjustments to intra-family relationships. When you have to fight for survival, there is no time to divide housekeeping responsibilities between women and men. Now you can often find families in which the wife earns money, and the unemployed husband washes clothes, cooks dinner, and does other household chores. But there is nothing unusual about this.
In general, generally accepted rules about what is considered women’s work and what is men’s work are gradually losing their meaning. In friendly families, everyone works, caring, first of all, about improving the well-being of the family, maintaining harmony, a healthy moral and psychological atmosphere of all members, taking care of their health and longevity. Does this mean that questions about the head of the family are losing their relevance today?
No matter how much equality the spouses achieve among themselves, they are still the head of the family
the man must remain.
This is predetermined primarily by natural and physiological reasons. It is known, for example, that sexual differentiation, the division of an organism into two sexes during the development of life on Earth, made it possible to preserve this species through its more flexible adaptation to the environment.
From the very beginning, male representatives They were “doomed” to be the first to meet and take upon themselves all unpleasant phenomena:
- • Either an attack from a predator, an enemy,
- • The emergence of new poisons, diseases,
- • Or new professions and techniques.
It was they who paid for this privilege - to be on the front line - with increased mortality at all times, including today.
But being the head of the family
does not mean being the “boss” in it who gives instructions.
The head of the family
is the leader, the guide, the main person responsible for the family.
There is no restriction on women’s rights in this, since the real head of the family
can lend a shoulder at the right time and help do any, even small, housework. One should not believe the momentary outbursts of some women's desire to manage their families strategically. They don't need managerial reins for long.
The experience of families where the wife took full responsibility for all matters - large and small - indicates that this was difficult for her, first of all, because of the need to bear the main burden of the household. Time passed, and she, having satisfied her vanity, increasingly turned to her husband for advice.
A woman, no matter how strong she is, needs to know and feel that she has support, a stone wall that she can always lean on. This gives her confidence in the security, security, and stability of her family. The need to be the head of the family
is also predetermined by the fulfillment by a man of one of his main responsibilities, which we rarely remember today - we are talking about parental responsibilities regarding the upbringing of their descendants.
It is believed that the mother plays the main role in raising children. In fact, placing the responsibility for raising children solely on the mother is a big mistake. Even after the breakdown of the family, the child should not lose his father; his absence cannot be compensated by any material compensation in the form of alimony or occasional gifts. Much more important for a child is an atmosphere of security and parental love. It is this, and not money, that is decisive for his development and formation as a social personality.
Evidence shows that children from families where there was harmony between parents, love and respect for each other, have incomparable advantages over children who grew up amid disagreement and conflict. It’s also scary that when the time comes to start a family and have children of their own, many of them can reproduce the same atmosphere of conflict in their family.
Someone will ask: “Where are the privileges for men promised in the title?”
And the first privilege of a man
- to be a locomotive in promoting the family towards happiness and prosperity.
For this, a man takes the first blows that the family receives, risks his health, sometimes suffers material losses due to the behavior of children, and even loses the opportunity to make a career. And yet, from generation to generation, men do not abandon their functions as the main defenders of the family
.
The essence of the second privilege comes down to the fact that a man passes on to his descendants the surname of his family
. The fate of his children and grandchildren will depend in a certain way on how he himself carries through his life, glorifies, or disgraces it. Because among our people, the good name of the family has always been highly valued. It best and more convincingly characterized a person than any other document, testifying to his honor, decency, hard work, and many other virtues that are not mentioned in his personal file.
In which countries is this normal?
Indonesia
Minangkabau people have been famous for their matriarchy since ancient times. Boys are sent away from home at an early age to receive education and social status, and upon returning (if he, of course, wants to return), he is obliged to marry not only his beloved, but also her siblings and cousins. And together the sisters will find a way to deal with patriarchy.
China
In the Chinese Mosuo tribe, female dominance is based on sexuality. As soon as the level of progesterone (the female sex hormone) reaches its peak and the erotic desire of a Chinese woman begins to spill over, she has every right to approach any man of the tribe and invite him to a languid meeting. But according to the rules of the tribe, he has no right to refuse. As well as claiming the child born from that passionate night.
Himalayas (Nepal, Bhutan and other countries)
There is one wife, but many husbands. This is the marriage formula in a number of Himalayan villages. There, a very strong and powerful woman manages to build and cultivate her entire male harem. And where would they be, timid guys, without her?
Afghan-Pakistani Hindu Kush
In the village of Kalashi, everything is far from Soviet firearms. The main asset of this place forgotten by civilization is women. And not only does she know how to build a home, make furniture, and use her abilities to maintain cleanliness in the highlands, but she also chooses a husband for herself. And whoever he chooses must marry immediately. True, if the next day the lady doesn’t like him, she will harshly throw him out the door and find someone else. For some European women, this may seem like a dream, and for good reason, because even that enviable valley is called Utopia on the map...
India
And in the state of Meghalaya in eastern India, men are almost deprived of all democratic rights. No wonder: women are in charge of human rights matters (men have zero opportunity to appeal the situation), they have taken all finances into their own hands, determine the frequency of intimate intimacy in the family, give the child a first and last name, and can also kick the husband out of the house for several days.
Head of the family
Film "Glory"
The head of the family is the husband. And the woman, as the owner of the family, hires a man for this work.
Film "GloboSphere"
In love, men and women should complement each other.
Film “Personal life: the joy of close relationships. The lesson is conducted by Prof. N.I. Kozlov and psychologist Marina Smirnova"
Strength for order.
I would like to start with a quote from V.N. Druzhinin, author of the book “Psychology of the Family”: “From the point of view of M. Mead, a normal family is where the father is responsible for the family as a whole. All other types of families where this rule is not followed can be considered anomalous” (V.N. Druzhinin. Family Psychology: 3rd ed., St. Petersburg: Peter, 2006. p. 12).
There are families where the head of the family has to be a woman - but this rarely pleases the woman herself. Many modern women, who are unlucky enough to meet a strong and loving man in their lives, strive for equal partnerships in the family, but soon they are faced with the fact that they are not promised equality there, and issues are very difficult to resolve...
It is a pity that now in most Russian families there is somehow no “head of the family”. The head of the family now seems to remain only among Old Believers and Muslim families, and disagreements there are resolved much more simply. Three simple rules are enough: “Ask your husband”, “Do as your husband says” and “Take care of yourself, be attentive”. And the family is in complete order.
The head of the family is simple and reasonable. If you imagine a family as a small enterprise, a company, then the head of the family, the husband, is the director. And the wife is the owner of this enterprise. This is a person who selects the director of the company, assigns tasks to him, pays him a salary and asks him for completing the assigned tasks. Accordingly, the wife’s task is to choose the right husband who will keep the steering wheel of the family in the right direction and make the right decisions. An old saying: “The husband is the head of the family, and the wife is the neck: where the neck turns, the head looks!” - this saying is wise. The role of a man in a family is that of a leader, or rather, a clear leader. And the role of a woman is that of a hidden leader. The wife, as a hidden leader, directs her husband's attention to the tasks facing the family and suggests the general direction of the solution. The husband, as the head of the family, considers everything, makes the decision and ensures its implementation. After which the wife admires her husband: she pays him his salary. And just as when an enterprise operates well, the director is not the most noticeable figure, so when relationships in the family are well established, most issues are resolved without the involvement of the head of the family, in a natural way.
The wife is in charge of shopping and the kitchen, the husband is in charge of finances, the car, the dacha and repairs. If the main areas and functions are distributed and everyone successfully resolves issues in their area, then the head of the family is not in great demand, everything happens without his intervention. Everything is clear to everyone; in normal situations, the head of the family is not needed. And in difficult and normal situations, the head of the family is necessary.
The requirements for the head of the family are competence, leadership skills, the presence of levers of power and worldly wisdom. Unfortunately, we have to admit that few men take the role of the real head of the family seriously. There are quite a few people who want to do it, but there are significantly fewer people who are capable of it, ready and able to do it. On the other hand, the king is made by his retinue, and the head of the family is largely shaped by a woman who is ready to recognize the power of a man over her. Unfortunately, the situation here is no better: women complain that there are no real men, and at the same time they do not want anyone to lead them. It is important to take into account: a real man will tie himself in family ties only with a woman who knows how to obey. If a woman does not know how to obey and is not ready to recognize a man as the head of the family, she will never have a real man as a husband - never.
No options.
In a problematic family, where the issue of power in the family has not been resolved, the head of the family is usually absent or is only a figurehead. In a healthy, high-quality family, there is a head of the family, and usually this is the husband. Main functions of the head of the family:
- Establishing clear family rules. Women are not very inclined to invent and formulate rules, at least in an explicit, direct and specific way. Women are more inclined to create traditions, but clear formulations are not very feminine. But for men it is usually easier; men are usually more inclined to clearly formulate rules.
- Compliance with family rules . Women are more likely to have moods, they are more often distracted, and they simply have a lot of things to do and responsibilities in their family without it. Men are usually more methodical in this matter. The work of organizing the necessary discussions, bringing them to a result and monitoring the implementation of the agreements reached is also the work of the head of the family.
- Take responsibility for a single decision . Sometimes an authoritarian solution to issues is necessary on which it is not possible to develop a common solution, despite the sincere desire of the parties. If the issue is discussed and not resolved hour after hour, day after day, and it is not possible to reach an agreement, then it is more reasonable if the head of the family takes the decision. He will also be responsible for the consequences of this decision.
- Resolving difficult issues that are difficult and which the wife does not want to resolve herself: either it is scary, the responsibility is too great, or the decision is unpopular and the wife does not want to expose herself, or the issues are resolved only by force, and this is not entirely feminine. And the husband, as the head of the family, should take upon himself and resolve all these issues. And again - let him be responsible for their decision.
- Representative function : it is convenient and good to explain to children that dad needs to obey, because he is in charge and everyone in the family obeys him. Likewise, difficult questions with relatives and parents can, when it seems convenient for the wife, also be transferred to the husband: “He is the head of our family, it’s up to him to decide!”
Jewish patriarchy: feminism will not work
A big misconception is the widespread opinion about the primacy of women in Israel and in the Jewish ethnos in general. However, this is nothing more than an anti-Semitic myth. The basis for it is the fact of transmission of Jewish nationality through the mother, regardless of the nationality of the father. However, in this case, one does not follow from the other: with the mentioned peculiarity of the transfer of nationality, the head of Jewish families was only a man.
Leadership in the family
A family is a unit of society in which all members achieve certain goals by sharing responsibilities.
In a family, someone must be in charge in order to solve any everyday difficulties. Women by nature are quite weak creatures. They cannot cope with some problems on their own. If a representative of the fair sex decides to become the head of the family, she thereby belittles not only the role of the man, but also his self-esteem. Once upon a time it was accepted that a woman should obey her man in everything, so guys on a subconscious level choose as their wife the girl who is capable of being obedient and flexible. A man, undoubtedly, should occupy dominant and leading positions in the family. The fact is that representatives of the stronger sex have the least emotionality, so they are able to more soberly assess the current situation and competently make decisions to eliminate the difficulties, obstacles and problems that have arisen. They can provide for their household members financially, as well as provide them with moral support.
A woman cannot be the head of a family not only because of her weakness, but also because she is susceptible to the negative influence of external factors. She cannot ensure safety and make the right decisions in a timely manner in various emergency situations. The girl is assigned a completely different task: she creates comfort and coziness in the house, raises children, improves the microclimate in relationships and provides moral support to her significant other. If a woman tries to become a family leader while living in a marriage with a henpecked man, such a relationship is doomed from the very beginning. Although any rule, of course, has its exceptions, so it is impossible to talk about this unequivocally.
Be able to negotiate
If everything is clear with the indigenous peoples of Eurasia, then in a modern family both women and men may not be satisfied with the change in roles. And then studying the issue “according to science,” seeking advice from a family psychologist, and the ability to come to an agreement can come to the rescue. And sometimes the latter is the simplest and most accessible. When the children have fallen asleep, talking over hot tea in the kitchen or, as in my youth, on the roof is sincere, effective and does not require energy consumption, like the scandal the day before. Then divorce can be avoided, and children will grow up healthy and beautiful in an atmosphere of understanding and love.
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Family hierarchy (+VIDEO)
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov talks about how roles should be distributed in the family, who should be the head, what the responsibilities of husband and wife are, what a wife should do if the husband does not want to take responsibility for the well-being of the family, and how a man can become a real man.
Greetings, my friends! We continue our series of family conversations, and today our topic is very difficult: we will talk about family hierarchy, family models, and the roles of spouses.
Three types of family relationships
I'll start from a little distance. Psychologists usually distinguish three types - three models - of relationships between spouses; conditionally they can be called as follows: adult–child; child-child and adult-adult. Let me explain.
The “adult-child” relationship model occurs, as a rule, when a responsible and already mature man marries a girl taken from under the caring parental wing, who is still completely immature, and therefore the husband takes care of his wife, plays the role of an adult, and she - the role of a child in this family dyad. There may also be the opposite option: when a woman is powerful, dominant - and this example of behavior can be adopted by her from her parents' family - marries a “mama's boy” who is accustomed to obeying his mother in everything - this often happens when a woman is older than a man in age. Here are two types of adult-child situations.
The “child-child” relationship model is most often established in student families: two fairly young people, a boy and a girl, start a family, the two of them have a great time together, they frolic like two foals in a meadow, they don’t take any special responsibility for each other want... In this couple, no one strives for power, they are friends with each other, but such relationships are not an indicator of the maturity of these people.
The “adult-adult” relationship model is the most stable, the most desirable. People took marriage seriously; they are both adults spiritually, psychologically, and physically. And they can take responsibility for the family and for their significant other and fulfill the roles that are inherent in husband and wife in marriage.
Who is the head of the family?
Who is the head of the family? There may also be several different models here. The first model is the one that the Lord commanded us, that is, the husband is the head of the family, the husband is the head of the wife. Another model, often found in our time: the head of the family is the wife. Another one: the head of the family is a child: everything revolves around him, he is the only child, the navel of the earth, he dictates the conditions, all his whims are fulfilled, etc. and so on.
Today, unfortunately, this option is not uncommon: the head of the family is the husband’s mother or the wife’s mother - either mother-in-law or mother-in-law, which makes no fundamental difference.
There is a hierarchy everywhere - without it, no business can be conducted
The Western family model assumes that spouses are some kind of equal partners; together they lead a business project called “family.” None of them are the head here, although we all understand perfectly well that any business, including business, must have a leader - a head. Just like in the army, and in the navy, in a firm, in a company, there is also a hierarchy, without this it is impossible to conduct business, without this it will go very badly. Moreover, such a difficult matter as family life.
In our conversation dedicated to the Sacrament of Wedding, we recalled that the Lord commanded us about the family hierarchy: the husband is the head of the wife. The husband is the image of Christ in the Church. The husband takes his wife. By the way, the Slavic word “marriage” comes precisely from the word “to take.” And the wife gets married, she looks for in the man, in the husband, some kind of strong, strong principle, a stone wall behind which she wants to hide, and she follows her husband - she gets married. These original Russian words very well illustrate how a family hierarchy should be built.
Leader or despot?
It is a myth that Christianity supposedly calls for some kind of male despotism
Unfortunately, myths that Christianity supposedly calls for some kind of male despotism are very common today. At the same time, the book “Domostroy” is often remembered. But all these mythical fabrications have nothing to do with genuine Christian life, with the real Christian hierarchy. Perhaps some of you have read this wonderful book - “Domostroy”, the work of the priest Sylvester, who lived in the 16th century. Of course, it does not quite fit the realities of our lives. But remember what husband and wife are called in this book. And so: “Mr. and Madam and their children.” Spouses are considered as masters of their home. Naturally, among these two princes, two royal persons, there is a main person. Who is this main person? Husband. And what should it be? Seven spans in the forehead? An excellent strategist, tactician, a person who sets an example of strong-willed decisions and is extremely intellectually developed? No. The husband’s task is completely different: the husband’s task is to be the breadwinner of the family (“no one has ever hated his own flesh, but feeds and warms it, just as the Lord does the Church.” - Eph. 5:29); be the person who makes decisions. The wife also has the right to vote, naturally, but her right to vote is advisory, because the last word remains with the husband. But at the same time, the husband bears full responsibility: he not only makes the decision, not only does he have the right of the last word, but, having made a decision, he takes upon himself all its consequences.
Let's imagine such a situation. In a certain military unit, a person with excellent strong-willed qualities, excellent education (he has the General Staff Academy behind him), with serious experience (for example, he went through “hot spots”) was appointed political officer or assistant unit commander. And the commander of the unit is a young guy who, as soon as he graduated from some higher military institution, was immediately appointed commander of this unit. And in the army there is an excellent institution - subordination, it is also manifested in the fact that juniors give honor to seniors: juniors in rank and rank honor seniors. And the commander is always right. The commander is responsible for what he says. Orders are not discussed. What can that ace sent to the unit as an assistant commander do? He may, of course, begin to disrespect the young commander and try to show some kind of initiative. Another option: he can have a positive influence on a not very experienced commander. Responsible for his part, in which he is assigned to serve, honor and respect his superior in rank and position. And this is very important. Because if we do not honor our leader, then naturally we will never have a good relationship with him, and we will never be able to discuss with him decisions that seem right to us. If the commander, although young and inexperienced, is not stupid, he will naturally consult with his experienced subordinates. Here is a good example of how family life should be built. And the task of the head is not to make some decisions unanimously, but to love and advice, which is what is usually desired at weddings. You need to consult with your family.
We are so different
B. Kustodiev. Yulia Evstafievna Kustodieva, the artist’s wife, with her first-born son Kirill
Everyone on the team, on the ship, in the military unit, in the company has their own functions. And each family member has a specific task. That's why the Lord didn't create a helper for Adam just like him? A woman, but some kind of masculine, with highly developed muscles, with stunning intelligence, the ability to make decisions... Why? Because her functions are completely different: the wife’s task is to be her husband’s assistant. Organize family life, raise children, help your husband, support him in some decisions... Be responsible for your area. After all, the husband, as many men have probably convinced themselves more than once, cannot perform feminine functions, and if he is forced to, he performs them very poorly. When my wife leaves me with the children, I cope very poorly with this situation, but she somehow makes it so easy... When I have to do homework with them for two days, look after them, prepare food for them, this is very hard work for me. And for her, since she is a woman, it is all very natural and easy.
And that love, that compassion, that patience, that ability to adapt to certain living conditions, the kind of flexibility that a woman has, a man will never have. A man has his own functions, which is why Adam and Eve were created so very, very different. So that Adam, the husband, the head of the family, can show the best masculine qualities even in the weakness of his wife. And this is very important.
What if the head doesn’t want to be the head?
I would like to say a few words about how a woman should behave if she sees that the man with whom she entered into a marital union does not display the necessary strong-willed qualities, the ability to make decisions, and generally does not really want to take on the functions of the head of the family.
We must remember that we can change a person only with our love, our good attitude towards him. So you need not fight with your husband for power, but perform those functions that are given to a woman from God, given by nature, without burdening others.
The wife gets one job, a second, a third, dragging the family cart on herself... This is completely wrong
Alas, this is a fairly common situation: the husband is a “mama’s boy” who does not want to take responsibility for the family and does not want to earn a lot; the wife gets one job, a second, a third, drags the family cart on herself, strains herself, complains, goes to the priest, to a psychologist... then divorces her husband... She takes on overwhelming responsibilities... This, of course, is completely wrong. The wife's task is different.
The task of the wife, the husband’s assistant, is to raise children and arrange family life; she takes pity on her husband, cares for and cherishes him, and fulfills her duties as a psychotherapist. There is a wonderful proverb: “A husband is a shepherd to his wife, and a wife is a band-aid to her husband.” She is a healer who heals his spiritual and emotional wounds.
The second thing a wife needs to remember is: there is no need to be afraid to show weakness. Women who have such lethargic husbands very often turn into generals in a skirt; they not only shoulder all the family responsibilities, they also begin to command everything and everyone. And you need to ask your husband about something more often, seek his advice more often.
And, of course, read it. A person will be for us exactly as we see him, that is, as we honor him. Without veneration and respect, no correct family hierarchy is possible.
Encouragement is important. It is imperative to encourage at least the timid steps that your spouse begins to take. Praise him, support him, strengthen him.
Many women think that their husbands will somehow figure out on their own that their wives need help and do something around the house. Don’t be afraid to give your husband tasks, but, again, tasks that are feasible. A man does not perceive abstract arguments very well: “Oh, how hard it is for me!”, “How tired I am!”, “Why aren’t you doing anything!” You need to puzzle him very clearly and specifically: “Here is a list of what products you need to buy. Please go to the store,” and thank him and kiss him on the cheek.
And another very important point: you need to not only praise your husband more often, but try to avoid all kinds of words of condemnation that lower his already low self-esteem. Especially avoid such judgment in the presence of other people. Many women, having fallen into despair, begin to call all their friends, mothers, and husbands to complain, which, naturally, does not contribute to a good relationship with their spouse, but on the contrary, only spoils them.
Take the helm of the family ship
I would like to give a few wishes to men as well. They say these are difficult times. And when was it actually simple?! Every time has its own difficulties.
Today there are many such men who were raised by single mothers, but there is nothing fatal about this. I have met many people who grew up in single-parent families, but then became wonderful fathers of the family, wonderful husbands, breadwinners, and people who make important decisions. After all, these roles have been given to us by God; they are set out in the Holy Scriptures, which are a textbook of life for us.
The main joy in a man's life is taking care of his family. In order to serve our loved ones, we create a family
The husband’s task and the main joy of his life is to take care of his family. For this, in fact, we create a family, for this we live, for the sake of our family and friends, serving them. And there should be joy because you go to work, from which you may be tired, from which it is hard for you, but you understand: you are working for the sake of your family. And then you return home from work tired, “the windows are lit, I’m walking home from work tired” - but this is joyful fatigue, this is a joy that cannot be compared with anything - the joy of a real man.
I think that any person who wants to follow the path not of the completely insane models that I named at the beginning of our conversation, but the path established by God, will always receive help from God, the grace of God. And I think such a person will succeed, but, of course, over time. It is clear that the habits that you have lived with for years, which you acquired in your parents’ family, are not so easy to banish from your soul. But any habit is eliminated by labor in acquiring some opposite skill - in this I wish God’s help.
Men should be the real heads of the family, and women should be their husband’s assistants. May the Lord help us all in this.
