Being in a relationship with a narcissistic guy can be really hard and exhausting. However, breaking up with a narcissist is even more difficult. It is common knowledge that such guys are really smart and cunning. They can play their role very well and deceive you without you even suspecting anything.
Let's face it, people change over time and reveal their true personality. At the beginning of a relationship, you think that you got to know the person well, and he presented himself to you as he really is. You begin to trust him, and you like absolutely everything about your partner. However, when feelings and emotions cool down a little, you begin to realize that there is an extremely narcissistic and selfish person nearby. In addition, he knows well how to control and manipulate a woman so that she does what he needs. Therefore, it is almost impossible to build a long-term relationship with such a person. And in this case, breaking up with the narcissist will be the most correct decision.
Self-recovery
As practice shows, most victims of narcissistic relationships try to solve the problem of recovery without resorting to outside help. There can be many reasons for this, for example, the inability to pay for the work of a specialist, shame, underestimating the seriousness of the situation, the belief that the situation in which they find themselves is their own fault or deserved punishment.
However, the most common reason is that people on the path to self-recovery do not realize that their reluctance to seek help is actually one of the consequences of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Victims of narcissists are usually convinced that everything that went wrong in the relationship is largely their own fault, and therefore they believe that they themselves are responsible for correcting the situation. The isolation of the victim in a narcissistic relationship leads to the fact that she gets used to doing everything alone, for example, housework, serving all family members, raising and caring for children, etc. After a breakup, these thought patterns and patterns of action persist, so the victim is convinced that she must overcome the problems of recovery on her own.
The situation is often aggravated by the victim’s environment, her support group - people who do not understand what a relationship with a narcissist is and what control over the victim’s consciousness is. With the best of intentions, they give “wise and effective” advice: “It’s over, live your life!”, “Just forget him, find someone for yourself and move on,” “How long can you think about him and suffer? You've been without him for a year already! Get it out of your head!” In fact, this does not help, but only strengthens the influence of the pseudo-personality that the narcissist has formed and implanted in the victim’s consciousness. As a result, the victim’s conviction grows that it is her fault and her problem, which she must overcome herself.
Here it is necessary to make a small digression and explain what “pseudopersonality” is.
As a result of the narcissist's suppression of the victim's personality, making changes and consolidating these changes through a system of punishments and rewards, the victim experiences a distortion of self-identification, which is called pseudo-personality.
This “new” personality, the pseudo-personality, is programmed to act in a way that puts the narcissist’s needs and needs first, it is dependent on the narcissist and is determined to accept everything that he says, to do everything that he demands.
The pseudo-personality is created through powerful and effective techniques employed by the narcissist and does not disappear simply because the victim ends the relationship. It is very important to understand that pseudo-personality does not disappear on its own.
The pseudo-personality that controls the victim’s consciousness is very strong. Without destroying it, it is impossible to even talk about restoration. The consciousness of the victim, under the influence of his pseudo-personality, is largely distorted so that the person does not even think about asking himself the questions that should be asked.
For example, many victims who leave a toxic relationship with a narcissist or psychopath continue to believe that they are a good person because this belief was instilled into the victim's mind by the abuser at the very beginning of the relationship. Victims do not even attempt to question this and consider it an objective reality. Very often, relatives, acquaintances and friends of the victim constantly try to convince her that her ex-partner was not at all as good as she imagines him to be. But even then, it takes months or years for the victim to accept this point of view.
Help from a psychologist or general psychotherapist
Those who manage to leave a toxic relationship with a narcissist tend to continue to experience problems as long as their pseudo-personality persists. Usually these people blame themselves because they were programmed that way. This often leads to the fact that even if they seek professional help, their problems will be classified as depression, unreasonable anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, problems in new relationships, sleep disorders, difficulty making decisions, eating disorders and a whole range of other problems.
The difficulty of diagnosis and treatment, in this case, lies in the fact that the problem with which a person comes to a specialist is considered in isolation and is not linked to a violent relationship. As a result, therapy is often not only ineffective, but can even make the situation worse. The victim believes that she herself is to blame for the current situation, which is why the psychotherapist holds her responsible for the problem itself, its solution, and bases treatment on this, which is fundamentally wrong.
If a specialist does not understand the mind control of a victim by a narcissist or psychopath, his treatment is more likely to aggravate the situation than to alleviate it, which will significantly delay the period of possible recovery from a narcissistic relationship or even make recovery impossible.
Can narcissism be cured?
The main distinguishing feature is the presence of signs of overly expressed narcissism, inflated self-esteem, egocentrism, which do not correspond to real traits.
The psychology of narcissism is characterized by increased suspiciousness regarding one’s own person. At a certain stage of personality formation, such manifestations are the norm. A person makes up an individual value system, his interests are placed above all else. Thanks to socialization, introduced standards, and rules of society, equalization is achieved. The personality, growing up, adapts to the surrounding conditions.
The term was named after the main character of the ancient Greek myth, Narcissus. The legend tells of a superior, courageous character who rejected the love feelings of the nymph Echo. The act entailed punishment from the goddess of heart affairs, Aphrodite. The beautiful young man was doomed to love exclusively his mirror image, which he saw in the water surface of the lake.
Symptoms and causes of narcissism
The main factor contributing to the development of this feature is parental attitude. The central personality of the family is the child. The slightest manifestations of children's activity are praised, standard skills are elevated to a special rank, and talent is discovered where it does not exist. The child gradually becomes the center of the earth. Having become accustomed to this attitude of others, he begins to perceive his own person in the same way.
The causes of narcissism can be varied. For example, a child was completely deprived of maternal love in the postnatal period of life. The lack of parental attention and recognition of the importance of the existence of a growing organism provokes a desire to make up for the lack of affection and tenderness.
Appropriate behavior and a special character can be formed as a defensive reaction to the family hierarchy. The presence of other, more beloved children forces a person to survive and defend her own rights. List of main factors contributing to the development of characteristic features of deviation:
- excess, deficit of parental attention, love;
- psychological trauma, fear of being unloved;
- high competition, struggle for recognition.
Signs of narcissism appear as follows:
- superiority over others;
- fixation exclusively on one’s problems and one’s own activities;
- pathological ambition;
- unwillingness to take into account the needs and opinions of others;
- psycho-emotional decline, psychological dependence on the delight of loved ones;
- the intimate life of such a partner has a single goal - personal satisfaction;
- in the sexual aspect - lust for oneself;
- conflicts in partnerships;
- disrespect of others.
Being psychic has some benefits. A healthy framework of ambition and selfishness encourages men to achieve high career results. Personal life is difficult.
How to cure a narcissist
People with this disorder, when growing up, independently seek psychological help. The reason is a lack of mutual understanding with loved ones, friends, and partners.
The patient rarely realizes the root cause of what is happening. The anomaly is based on an absolute rejection of the idea of standardity, the ordinariness of one’s own “I”. The diagnosis manifests itself in several varieties and is conventionally divided into age groups.
- Children's - adjusted by conversations with a psychologist, changing educational methods.
- Adolescence – the need for behavioral therapy arises in the case of neuroses, disturbances in general behavior.
- Adult – male, female.
Treatment of narcissism occurs using the method of Gestalt therapy, deep psycho-transactional analysis. Among specialists who study this diagnosis, symptoms, and methods of treatment, there is an opinion that completely recovering from the disease is an impossible task.
The patient may have a hereditary predisposition. The doctor, through interaction with the patient, is able to identify key points that feed the ego and correct its reaction to external stimuli. The result is adaptation, livability, attention to other people's opinions.
Help, consultations with a psychologist and sexologist on the topic: “Is it possible to cure narcissism?”
According to many years of experience working with patients with corresponding inclinations, the diagnosis cannot be completely cured. By consulting with a psychologist, you can identify traits that lead to internal and external conflicts. A sexologist will provide assistance in solving intimate problems.
Help from a specialist in recovery from psychopathic relationships
This is an ideal option, because in this case the victim can safely describe everything that happened to her, express her feelings and worries without fear of criticism and condemnation. She has the opportunity to be understood by a specialist who knows how relationships of this kind work. A subject matter professional will not make the mistake of holding the victim responsible for something that was beyond their control or competence.
The sequence of recovery is also very important. First you need to get rid of the effects of the mind control of the narcissist, destroy the pseudo-personality he created, then explore the vulnerabilities of the victim, and finally identify any other problems that arose in childhood and affect the person today.
Many specialists (psychologists and psychotherapists), who do not understand what control of the victim’s mind by a narcissist is, begin the recovery process by finding out the circumstances that brought the victim into the situation. Then they investigate the victim's relationship with parents and siblings, looking for childhood trauma. This approach does not heal, but leads to strengthening the victim’s conviction that it is she who is to blame for what happened to her.
In contrast to the above, a subject matter expert who understands what mind control is will help uncover the intricacies of what was done to the victim, what methods were used against him, why the manipulator decided to use these particular methods, what effect they had on the mind the victim, her emotions, decisions and actions.
A specialist will help the victim get rid of false beliefs and behavioral patterns of a pseudo-personality, and help restore individuality. It will teach you how to make decisions again, establish independence, teach you how to calculate and avoid other manipulators, how to differentiate destructive control of consciousness and normal processes of healthy influence.
It's very hard work. Recognizing the fact that the person you loved and trusted constantly insulted you, mocked you... This is difficult to come to terms with, difficult to accept. However, recovery from a narcissistic relationship is definitely worth the effort.
Typically, the liquidation of a pseudo-personality takes from one to two years. Of course, these terms are average and approximate, since they depend on many factors, for example, how much time a person devotes to recovery, whether he has constant contact with the manipulator, whether there are other narcissists or psychopaths in his environment with whom he has to contact.
Sometimes recovery is not possible
Regardless of the recovery path chosen, it may happen that a person suffers so much that they will never fully recover from a narcissistic relationship. A narcissist or psychopath can so distort a victim's personality and so disrupt their thinking that it causes them to develop a mental illness from which the victim can never recover.
A considerable number of victims of narcissists commit suicide because they become so entangled in the wilds of their pseudo-personality created by the narcissist that they see no other way out but to end everything quickly, decisively, once and for all.
How to spot a narcissist in a relationship?
Typically, these guys always want to be right. They don't take into account other people's opinions. All that matters to them is what they think and say. Narcissistic men do not like to compromise, so breaking up with such a person will be difficult. Any form of agreement, no matter how safe it is, is a form of defeat for them. They like to feel like winners. They always want to win, and in disputes, their word should always be the last. And for this they will do everything possible, even resort to deception and humiliation. Just to become a winner.
Such guys are narcissistic individuals. For them, their own ego is most important and they want to emphasize this at every opportunity. They are good at hiding emotions and are experts at manipulating people. A narcissistic man rarely takes responsibility. It will be easier for him to stand aside and just observe the situation. He loves to be praised, and at the same time tries in every possible way to devalue the achievements of other people.
