What does it mean to “be good to everyone”? This is when others allow you to act, and you must live up to their expectations. When you crave someone else's approval so much that you do things that are out of character for you. This is how your whole life goes, and then you discover that the only one you are truly indebted to is yourself. With this text we affirm: there is no need to ask permission to be who you want.
According to the editors of Bowandtie, the truth is that success in the eyes of the majority always looks like material wealth, and being in demand looks like helpfulness. But the concept of “happiness” is not equal to success, and everyone deciphers it in their own way. Let's talk about this.
Don't let others' views drown out your own inner voice
Others already have plans for you
Friday evening. You just came home from work in a mock office, where you made another goose statue out of paper scraps, tears and sweat for your boss so that he would have something to do while you are on the weekend. You are tired, and all your thoughts come down to your favorite hobby - playing computer games, reading Dostoevsky, sitting in a cozy chair in a cozy room in a cozy home, spending time in silence alone with yourself and for your own benefit.
But others have their own plans for you. People around you expect you to be modest, friendly and always ready to give up your seat for them on public transport and in life. Friends have already planned an evening gathering at the bar. Your parents expect you to become a successful “son of your mother’s friend” in every way, with a honors diploma, your own car and an apartment. Girl - when you take the position of boss. And the boss himself - new goose statues, as tall and as large as possible.
You won't disappoint them, will you?
Of course you won't disappoint. It is much easier to advance your desires than the desires of friends and loved ones. And only a truly strong-willed person can say no to the team and not drown in its spit. Therefore, your favorite volume will remain unread and your cozy chair will remain empty while you feign joy and interest at the next family gathering with distant relatives and in a boring bar, or work overtime for a more symmetrical goose statue or promotion.
Only a strong person can say no to the team and not drown in its spit.
And, yes, we are not talking about a goose, a chair and a book - these are nuances that everyone has their own. This is not about weakness. We're talking about the influence of the "should" attitude.
Desire to conquer
Beat all rivals, conquer a beautiful lady (and more than one), become an object of veneration, worship, so that fans with bouquets wait at the entrance, ready to do anything for the sake of an idol. This is the desire for excellence, the desire to become the best of the best, to prove that others cannot reach such heights.
Psychologists are sure that competition is inherent in every person from the very beginning. Some realize themselves in sports, others strive to become the best in another field.
Important
If a person cannot achieve his goal, does not realize his desire for superiority, the conquest of others, he may begin to feel inferior. And that's a problem! There are many examples of athletes and famous personalities who, after an injury or becoming unclaimed for other reasons, simply became an alcoholic and started using drugs. Such a thirst for fame can lead to negative consequences, because it is actually difficult to realize it.
What is the danger of being good to everyone?
The main reasons for wanting to be good to everyone:
- the desire to be accepted by a certain society - parents, peers, friends, colleagues;
- the need to please certain people - a girl, a boss, an idol;
- fear of disappointing relatives;
- euphoria from other people's approval.
It turns out that you must study well, you must build a career, and for this you must work more, and you must also devote free time to friends. As a result...
You put your own interests aside
If you are busy living someone else's life, there will be no time left for your own life
. You simply have no choice, because you are so busy serving other people's interests, achieving other people's goals and living someone else's life, that there is no time left for your own goals, interests and life. We are not saying that helping others is bad. If your friend or relative cannot help himself, for example, because he is sick, that’s one thing. It’s another matter if he doesn’t want to help himself, because there are you who are always ready to do everything for him.
You value others' time more than your own
Your time is limited, don't waste it living another life.
We talked a little higher about the fact that everyone expects something from you. And note that their expectations and yours do not always coincide. However, you treat your friends with affection, your relatives with love, and your colleagues with respect. You fulfill their requests, come to the rescue at any time of the day, and sacrifice your own time for them. Since you do it anyway, then answer the question: why don’t you do the same thing, but towards yourself?
You are afraid of disapproval, you are afraid of not being liked
This comes from childhood: I did what my parents or peers needed - I received approval and “respect.” They are like a drug - they help you feel more confident, stronger, more successful. If you go against it, you will receive a dose of condemnation and alienation.
And in order not to experience this alienation, not to become a “black sheep,” a person follows the lead - he becomes a nice guy who, beyond his own capabilities, burdens himself with the affairs and interests of others, forgetting about his own. After all, things and interests that are unpopular in a certain society will not cause approval: if you go to the gym, you’re great and keep your head down, and if you play computer games, you’re a godless nerd and a scumbag who won’t have a girlfriend.
It’s a carrot and a stick, if you do this you get approval, if you don’t do that, society puts pressure on you
The result for all such people is the same: at some point everything will fall out of their hands, they will not be able to cope with the burden of other people’s worries, they will not keep their promises and will no longer please those for whom they tried so hard.
Bowandtie's editors have some doubts about the effectiveness of the "be good to everyone" strategy. To be honest, we see people like this hanging on a noose from the ceiling at the age of 40-45. They try to be the best for others and do everything “right,” forgetting that it is not other people’s expectations that need to be met, but their own. And when they realize that this behavior does not bring the desired effect, and their best years have been spent on this, a phase of despair and depression sets in.
Finding yourself
Children play games, trying on a variety of roles. A boy, rolling cars on the floor, imagines himself as a famous Formula 1 racer. A girl, having painted her lips with her mother’s lipstick, stands in front of a mirror with a toy microphone, singing and imagining herself on stage under the spotlights. The boy launches a helicopter on the control panel and thinks how nice it would be to become a famous pilot flying over the Arctic and delivering humanitarian aid. All children go through such dreams; it is an integral part of games.
Teenagers also dream, but about more specific professions that can lead to fame. True, as psychologists admit, teenagers rarely move from dreams to real actions. And after school, most people choose professions based on more practical considerations. But all the same, such dreams of fame and fame in childhood and adolescence are an absolute norm, helping to find oneself and try on different roles for the future.
How not to remain in debt to yourself?
The main thing is not to rush to send everything and everyone. This is a trait of an intellectually fragile teenager, and even if you, dear reader, are a teenager, still don’t do this. Never. We are not talking about demonstrative rebellion, but about freedom from the “should” prejudice. This can be achieved peacefully, without going to extremes and without spoiling relationships with the team, family and friends.
Sooner or later, nice guys will drive themselves into a trap and stop liking those for whom they worked so hard
A small note: we don’t have any non-working advice from eminent psychologists, copied word for word from one blog to another. And what other psychologists are there in Ust-Olginsk? As in the last century, Russia remains a provincial country, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, it helps to look at things soberly.
After all, the fact is that you may not need a diploma with honors. Government papers will not make you a better person and will not provide you with a place in the sun in this country.
You may not need a boss position. Perhaps this will make your girlfriend’s life easier, but not yours. Not everyone is able to manage people - some feel in their place as an ordinary employee. And the world knows many examples when a sought-after employee was worried about several bosses at an enterprise.
People around you may say that you are not like everyone else, but you don’t need to fit in with anyone.
You may not need your manager's approval. It is enough that your goose statue provides you with a stable salary, which should suit you, of course. All men are taught from childhood that without money and a career we are nothing. You know, the editors of Bowandtie find the works of Edgar Allan Poe ingenious and have immense respect for his literary talent. And he died in poverty, and at the time of his death he was little known. Now turn on Channel One on your TV - they show a lot of people who are successful from a social point of view. Do you respect them?
You may not need all of this. Humble minds may say that you are not like everyone else. The very essence of this question is nothing more than funny, because you don’t need to adapt to the standards and framework of others either.
Impatience
How much does it take for an ordinary person to become, for example, a famous surgeon? 5 years of study, internship, gaining experience as a regular surgeon, then the post of head of a department, hospital... By the age of 40, you can become a surgeon, with whom you make an appointment for operations in advance. But this is not a fact either. The same can be said about the managers of large enterprises who started from scratch. Only after 30 years old do they begin to move up the career ladder. There are few young famous specialists, you will agree, only individual geniuses.
Therefore, many people think that such a slow path to fame can be bypassed. In fact, I’m about to go on a reality show and have already become famous. “Minute of glory” - that’s what it’s called. It may only take a minute, but everything is quick and almost effortless. This is much more attractive than a long path to fame, for example, as an outstanding scientist, doctor, engineer. In simple words, this is the desire to jump into the “social elevator”, and not stomp up the stairs like everyone else.
You need to justify not other people’s expectations, but your own
The only approval you really need is your own.
Bowandtie's editors recommend doing what you want. Without compromise, but within the framework of the axiom “my freedom ends where the freedom of another begins.” Because you won’t be able to be good for everyone, but you can be good for yourself.
And remember: we - the author of this text and the editors as a whole - do not claim to be the only true truth, unlike those who replace your interests with their own, acting according to the scripts of a zombie that bites another person and turns him into the same zombie.
Well, if you can’t do without authoritative advice, then here are the words of a really cool guy whose opinion it makes sense to take into account:
“Your time is limited, don't waste it living another life. Don't get caught up in a creed that exists on other people's thinking. Don't let the views of others drown out your own inner voice. And it is very important to have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs .
