Almost every person who has experienced a wide range of emotions in significant partnerships has encountered a complete or partial loss of their “I”, with the desire to take a time out and close themselves off from intimacy for a while. Moreover, not everyone can explain to themselves what such, often unconscious, impulses are connected with. In modern psychology, there is a concept of personal boundaries, which is limited not only to physical space. What are personal boundaries in relationships and why their presence is so important, we will consider further.
Principled negotiations
The method of principled negotiations is based on the following provisions:
- Search for a Principle (Objective Criterion) accepted by all parties.
- Hardness in principle.
- Gentleness and openness to people.
- Joint search for solutions based on principle and common interests.
- Collaboratively search for Win-Win options based on both common and different interests.
Principled negotiations combine the best elements of hard and soft positions, but are devoid of their negative parts:
- You are firm in the principles on which your position is based, and as a result, you find the best option for resolving the issue.
- You are open and sincere with your opponent and create positive long-term relationships.
- You look for and propose solutions that will satisfy the interests of all parties involved in the negotiations.
Based on materials from the training agency Business Class www.classs.ru
Sun and moon
Quite unexpectedly, the topic “Man-Woman” began to revolve around me. That's what I thought about least of all, this. But there are so many different points of view around this controversial issue! I started writing an article, but put it off again. Apparently she was waiting for something else. And here it is. Bingo! Webinar by my mentor.
I know this man well, we have many similar views. I think he is quite wise and understands life. But what do I hear from him? That's right - a passage on this burning topic. His message is based on the wisdom of Eastern philosophy - he is an adept of it. But something tells me that the male ego has made corrections here too.
We are talking about female and male models in relationships. It doesn’t matter where: in marriage, in friendship, in business. He says this: a woman’s task is to praise her man, to light the light in him, not to star herself, not to dominate in the family and at work, to go into introversion and from there move her man to the stars.
And when a man is well-groomed, fed, treated kindly, promoted by his woman up the career ladder, etc., he will most likely throw all the blessings of the world at her feet. It is the woman's job to ensure that he supports her.
It seems like the Sun illuminates the Moon with its light, and only then does it become noticeable in the sky, not before. The moon trying to shine on itself is nonsense. The sun, as you understand, is a man. Luna is a woman.
And if, as a result of female courtship, a man carries a treasure chest to another woman, then for the first it is an excellent experience and training. “It’s like a business, baby,” he concluded.
The main idea of his philosophy, as I understand it: idolize your man - and you will be rewarded. He will, perhaps, illuminate you, the dark, introverted Moon, with his divine light of the Sun. And only then can you shine too. And enjoy its benefits when it achieves greatness.
Only after this can you allow yourself to remember what you dreamed about during your free youth. Shouldn't we shake off the old days? Well, yes, well, yes... if there is strength, desire and energy left to realize them. Until then, kindle your divine Sun with all your might. Work, girl, work. Sculpt your god yourself.
Who knows, will you have time to shine the light yourself thanks to his gifts? Or will your beloved, like the thunder god, eventually overthrow you from Olympus and go looking for his goddess? After all, gods do not live with servants.
In the meantime, at this time, the contender for the role of god lies on the sofa. He sulks at his wife because she began to pay less attention to him with the birth of this small, always screaming and pooping baby. How dare the wife choose not him, who already has almost one foot on Olympus, but this small creature?
Adult - child
I came across a webinar about women’s pickup - “how girls can milk millionaires.” The presenter (a man, by the way) taught: “Pretend to be a fool and praise him. Oh, what a fine fellow he is, how smart, dexterous...” (words and terms retained by the author).
I imagined the smartest man who made a huge fortune, deftly dodged the machinations of competitors and the betrayal of partners. And is it so stupid to buy into the flattery of a fool? Don't disappoint, men!
These ideas have something in common. For example, I talk to children this way. I am in the position of a parent, an adult. If I communicate with a man like this, he will always be a child to me.
In a family, the roles of partners are initially assumed, that is, equal, equal individuals: adult + adult + children.
Can a psychologist help a married couple if one of the spouses wants to end the relationship?
Here it is important to understand what exactly can be understood by help. The psychologist does not have the power that would allow him to unite a married couple after (or even before) one of the partners has already decided that he wants to leave the relationship or leave if any specific long-term aspects of the relationship do not will change.
But there is something a psychologist can do:
- help spouses hear and understand each other (does not mean agreeing);
- help each partner understand what he is doing or not doing in the relationship, with what intention; whether the actions being implemented actually contribute to achieving the desired goals;
- help you understand your strengths and weaknesses, opportunities and limitations, mistakes and successful decisions. Even if a breakup turns out to be inevitable, working with a psychologist can help a couple complete the “unfinished” and see dead ends that should not be entered in the future;
- There are local problems that arise in relationships with only one specific person; we can say that they are associated with the specifics of his character and behavior. And there are difficulties that flow from one relationship to another, and it only seems that the other person is the cause. They stem primarily from the characteristics of one’s own character, belief system and habitual patterns of behavior. Exploring your character is an essential part of individual therapy. But in couples counseling, this is also an important and extremely useful part of the work.
Consequences of violating personal boundaries on relationships
Let's take a closer look at boundary violations. Each of us has our own interests, life attitudes and needs, and the task of the partners in a couple is to treat each other’s inner world with respect and care. By violating this unspoken rule in some destructive way, we invade the space of another person, trying to establish our own rules there. Often this happens unconsciously, for “good reasons”, and sometimes it is very difficult to recognize the toxic actions of a partner that do not pose a visible danger.
However, it is precisely those people who experience a “blurring” of boundaries who often have problems with the inability to track and describe their feelings, their first response to an unpleasant situation. In the future, accumulated, unfiltered and unvoiced feelings can manifest themselves as sudden emotional breakdowns, withdrawal into oneself and various psychosomatic manifestations. In this regard, it is important to learn to clearly state your reluctance to incoming demands and requests, as well as the ability to recognize any – bodily or physical – discomfort and report it to your partner.
“Do as I do, talk and feel as I do, and agree with me in everything”
Another characteristic feature of a person with a partial or complete lack of boundaries is the perception of another as an extension of himself, since he does not know how to realize where he ends and where the world of another person begins. Such people believe that if someone has become close to you, it means that he is part of him, “half,” as they often say, and you can easily change something in him, as in yourself. It seems quite natural to such people, and they sincerely do not understand how destructive it can be for a significant other. It is also difficult for such people to give feedback and almost impossible to say a meaningful “no”, because they are constantly trying to change their loved ones, according to their beliefs, systematically resorting to pressure.
Giver and Dominant
When getting married, coming to work, adults everywhere agree on the rules of the game. Appreciating, respecting, supporting, caring is the equal task of equal partners. These are normal human relationships from an internal heartfelt message, regardless of the place of application: be it in the family or in business.
If one of the couple decides to dominate, go ahead. Prove your exclusivity with deeds. Not with words. Not like this: “That’s it, from today I am the god Yarilo. Praise me. Because I am the Sun in my pants." Or: “I always decide everything myself for the simple reason that I am a man.”
If we proceed from the theory of Eastern philosophy (the Sun is male active energy, the Moon is female passive energy), then it is the man who is the giver. “Giving” starts with him!
A woman only accepts, transforms and returns to the man. And what a man gets in the end depends on: • the quality of what he gave to the woman; • the internal state of the woman herself.
What does she transform his message into? If she is in a harmonious state, she will return the man’s harmonized potential for further victories. If she has discord inside, resentment, sacrifice, lack of self-acceptance - what will she return? Male power, even filled with love, will fall like into a black hole.
But if a man gives bad energy, if he gives it at all, then the woman simply does not have enough internal resources to transform all this in an environmentally friendly way for the benefit of the family. Especially if she is an introvert. Maybe that’s why extroverted women are now so tightly dependent on society’s assessments on social networks - they are not replenished with resources in communicating with their loved ones? And here, as they say, what a man sows, he also reaps... All that remains for his woman is to pull everything through willpower.
In this case, the woman has every right to dominate. Why not? She was forced to change roles. She took on the role of the Sun, a male role. The role of parent and adult. And please, man, wipe your snot and put on your hat, since you stand in the same line with our children.
And there are women who are strong in their own right: strong, smart, talented, active, self-sufficient. They no longer prove anything to anyone. So on what basis should she pretend to be a fool? Is this an eco-friendly relationship when one is a star at the expense of the other?
Reason #4: Be honest about everything
And yet you need to talk, especially about what hurts you. If something doesn’t suit you in a relationship, you definitely need to say about it: when we talk frankly, it creates a feeling of trust, thanks to which intimacy is born. It may hurt, but you still need to do it, because no one will fix your relationship except you.
Trust is also needed in order to cope with such an unpleasant feeling as jealousy. We all need to understand that a partner may have other interests, he may communicate with other people, and we should not get angry when we see him talking to someone else.
How can a man have a strong position in the family?
MOLDOVENII.MD
Let's look at the topic of relationships between men and women today...
Many men come to me who have problems with relationships, and with money, by the way. Plus bad habits are added here.
It turns out to be such a gentlemanly set: bad relationships (the wife manipulates and does not respect), no money and problems with bad habits, in particular with alcohol.
There are complaints from women that men are crushing and do not want to take responsibility, and women have to solve problems for men.
As a result, the roles of men and women are blurred, or even change, the woman begins to occupy a leading position in the family, and the man loses strength and confidence and takes the female role.
From the outside, this can be seen very easily: when a man and a woman are asked a question, the man begins to look sideways at the woman so that she seems to make a decision.
How can a man regain his strength? “Step-by-step plan for working with the subconscious - 2018”
How to make a woman feel protected and able to relax next to him? So that she doesn’t have to solve men’s issues, but instead begins to fill the space with blissful feminine energy.
I will say right away that women are not to blame for the fact that men did not take a leading position, they are happy to give it up, but only on the condition that the man does everything well, does not spoil anything, and covers all the necessary questions.
Let's look at two male states:
1. Animal position
In this state, a man considers himself a male, he demands sex from a woman, and she seems to be the giver in this situation.
The animal component of a man has priority for him; he follows his instincts.
His position is one of wasting energy. There is a temptation - a man reacts against him and drains his energy.
This is also where problems with alcohol arise, because... alcohol is also a certain temptation and pleasure.
A man immediately finds himself in a position where he can be manipulated, and manipulated harshly.
Women take advantage of this, and the man loses his power.
Those. if a man does not fulfill a woman’s wishes, then he falls into the zone of being ignored or subject to some kind of sanctions.
And in general, this man is manipulated by everyone and everything, from alcohol producers to film companies filming cheap TV series.
By the way, a man who wants to waste energy indiscriminately (animal position) is promoted in the media.
A positive hero is a hero-lover, and not a family man, behind whom everything is like behind a stone wall.
And the hero-lover is quite easily manipulated: be it the temptation to cheat on his wife, drink alcohol, or something else.
Hence the huge number of divorces and weak married men (former hero-lovers).
Such a man is an ideal consumer and a spender of his life. He spends his life energy on everything that his gaze clings to.
2. The second male state is a man who knows how to sublimate energy and direct it to the right thing.
A man who saves (accumulates energy and sublimates it) is the position of a creator.
We have a limited amount of sexual and life energy.
If you spend it indiscriminately, there will be neither money nor normal relationships.
A man in an animalistic position is like a drug addict who steals everything from the house, only he steals not money, but energy.
It does not bring energy into the family, but splashes it in different directions: I start from watching pornography, drinking alcohol and watching TV or computer games for several hours a day.
When compared to money, you can save and invest, or you can spend like crazy.
A man in an animal position spends madly.
A male creator in a position of sublimation invests in his business, in his family, in the surrounding space.
It is impossible to manipulate him through sex, because... if a woman tries to bargain on this front, he simply will not play this game with her.
And in general there will be a different attitude towards him, and the desire to manipulate him most likely will not arise.
He is not a drug addict who wants to splash out his sexual energy to get pleasure for a few seconds.
He is aimed at creating happiness for his family, his children, building a home and prosperity for everyone around him (including his wife, children, relatives, clients of his business, neighbors and all other people with whom he interacts).
Also, this man does not fall for temptations such as alcohol, various entertainments, etc. these temptations also involve wasting energy.
He invests energy rather than scattering it left and right.
He has money because... he is hardworking, he has a lot of energy, he is positive and friendly to others, he does not enter into conflicts or empty squabbles.
This is the position of a male creator.
ps Write to me how many points from 1 to 10 was this message useful? Will you follow the advice from it?
pps If you feel resonance with the information I give, then I invite you to transform your subconscious, emotions, habits, actions and results in life at the training “Step-by-step plan for working with the subconscious - 2018”
