Naive romantics claim that people get divorced when love dies. Skeptics and realists can argue with them: divorces happen when it becomes simply impossible to live together. In any case, the most difficult thing in this matter is making that very specific and completely unambiguous decision. It is especially difficult for women who use every possible means to push the thought of divorce into the background and make painful compromises with their conscience and self-esteem. How can you decide to divorce your husband if a specific life situation does not imply any other options for resolving conflict in marriage?
How to decide to divorce your husband? Advice from a psychologist.
To figure out how to decide to divorce your husband and whether it is worth resorting to such a step, psychologists recommend thinking about the origins of the problem that has arisen, which, in the woman’s opinion, can only be solved by divorce. You should also pay attention to the bouquet and candy period, which in almost every case is a game of “Fool me more than I fool you,” and to the newfound routine. Psychological analysis will show at what point the spouses were wearing rose-colored glasses, when they were taken off, and why mutual disappointment ensued. It was this that became the reason for today's belief that the marriage was untenable. And we all know that disappointment is confusion due to the difference between what was expected and what actually happened.
Search for truths.
People are accustomed to thinking that third parties are to blame for their troubles: women blame their husbands for no longer looking good, men blame their wives for the lack of intimacy in the evenings, not taking into account women’s evening household work. What ensues is eternal confusion, where love, in which competitions were organized to bring each other as much happiness as possible, is transformed into a game of “I will reproach you more.” This war will continue until one of you stops. An overestimated coefficient of selfishness in a man will become an obstacle to stopping first, so you stop and devote the evening to thoughts, without reacting to what is happening at home.
- Start by visualizing the memories and mentally comment on them without emotion, turning “wonderful” shots into “primitive” ones;
- Interpret the problems that arose in the first three years as problems that have already been solved (a problem becomes a problem when, in a fit of emotion, we cannot find a solution);
- Remember the first quarrel, which gave impetus to the subsequent ones (disagreement, misunderstanding, argument, discrepancy of points of view, first tears, resentment);
- Evaluate the first offense objectively. Why did it happen? Could it have been avoided? If so, how? Was it the result of selfishness?
Having completed this procedure, you will find the moment when the first conflict laid the seed for subsequent ones. Remember the word “reset”, maybe all is not lost and you need to talk openly with your husband? Or was the verbal altercation followed by physical action? If not, then it’s not too late to return to the past, just ask calmly for dialogue, set the rule “I only talk about myself, without poking” and talk about your feelings and accumulated fatigue without egoism, and then ask him for the same.
You need this conversation if in your thoughts you are trying to cling to what would save the family.
All people are selfish.
We are already born egoists - this has been proven. Our upbringing and society make us altruistic (helping). As soon as one of the couple begins to be lazy in fulfilling household obligations, condemnation begins. But! Altruism also includes empathy (sympathy, empathy, understanding the feelings of another), which most people are not capable of at the end of the working day. What to do? Do not brush aside the truth: any event associated with us is the result of our work or inaction. Try not to blame your spouse for your decision to divorce, but rather, make yourself guilty, this will allow you to take control of the situation. Perhaps at this stage you will understand what needs to be done.
Compare marriage to two puzzles that don’t fit together: if you trim them a little, they will fit together.
Add a little selfishness to the guilt and the picture will be perfect. For example, if your husband started drinking often with friends, giving fewer gifts, having wealth, because he lost his sense of excitement towards you, you are guilty of becoming too open to him, ceasing to be a mystery, a girl who needs to be wooed all the time. By adding egoism, you will return his total attention. For example, if you start disappearing with your friends or at work until late. His nervous system will become agitated, there will be a feeling that he might lose you, then he will begin to take action. If you don’t want to experiment, just talk.
If you are determined to get a divorce, you don’t have to resort to the measures described above, just stop thinking about your husband: his health, well-being, the presence of food in his stomach, his washed and ironed shirt. Not as a reproach, but proudly accept the fact that the feeling of guilt is alien to you, because this proves your desire to deform your family. As a result, the husband himself will want to leave a house in which he is not cared for if he values only “housewife” qualities in his wife. If you notice that he himself begins to fulfill women’s obligations, it means that he also values your personality. If he wants to talk about this topic in a warm emotional atmosphere, consider that he has begun to empathize with you (understand the severity of a woman’s burden).
Divorce and children. What to expect?
Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to break off ties with their husbands; some fell in love with another, others were tired of unhealthy interactions, and others were looking for profit. I won’t judge anyone, but children are the main sufferers from the wrong decisions of their parents. Yes, psychological trauma haunts all children whose parents divorced, but there will be much less of them than if the marriage remains intact, but with an unhealthy relationship with the husband. With the departure of the husband, the family is completely transformed, so you should not make a decision without asking the child’s opinion, or study the psychological portrait of the relationship between husband and child and the emotional reaction to quarrels between parents, that is, you.
If negativity is detected, decide on a divorce with the imposition of monetary and educational obligations on the husband. If you are a daughter, then there are few risks of lack of male upbringing, so you can safely start looking for a new chosen one, but in secret from her, so that she does not copy the model of this behavior and does not make mistakes when choosing guys in adolescence. Introduce the future stepfather to your daughter at the stage of submitting an application to the registry office. If you have a son, problems cannot be avoided. Firstly, it is better not to interrupt the connection with your father - you risk losing your authority, secondly, do not speak negatively about his father, and thirdly, you will encounter jealousy when looking for a new husband.
In this case, the following behavioral patterns can become a true justification for divorce:
- Drunkenness, recklessness and unreasonable aggression of the husband, including towards the child;
- The disregard, laziness, carelessness of the husband;
- Lack of activities with the child, drills, setting a bad example;
- Cheating, week-long absences from home.
The above factors cause mental harm to the child with little prospect of recovery. Yes, the same goes for mothers! It would be absurd to want a divorce if you have a full-fledged, healthy family, if you simply liked a man from work.
What causes the desire to get a divorce?
Before asking the question: how to decide to divorce your husband, it is necessary to correctly interpret the reasons, since they can be subjective. We won’t debate for a long time, I’ll give examples and interpretations; perhaps you are operating with temporary feelings, which is typical for many ladies. Possible situations:
- A few years after the wedding, when the second child was already born, they learned about her husband’s “turbulent” past and are unable to accept it (no matter how difficult it is for you, this is your psychological problem, it needs to be solved by a psychotherapist);
- or, conversely, your husband has found out about the number of your boyfriends and cannot accept this fact (see: Husband is jealous of the past. What to do?);
- The husband’s jealousy “for every pillar” (yes, this is very exhausting, but you shouldn’t blame him, I already wrote about this, check out the link);
- A third-party man began to persistently court him - this looks much more colorful than the candy-bouquet period with your current husband (you shouldn’t make important decisions based on emotions, it usually backfires: the meeting may turn out to be a one-time affair, after which the newly chosen one will cool off towards you, and the family will not return);
- You cheated (by accident, by drinking, getting drugged, etc.), but you cannot admit: “ I want a divorce from my husband, but I’m afraid ,” imagining beatings, suicide and other side effects. If you are afraid, tell him indirectly that the decision is his to make (see Why do men forgive their wife’s infidelity?);
- The husband has grown cold (read: How to make your husband jealous?);
- It seems that my husband has a mistress (see I suspect my husband of cheating. What should I do?). In order not to be disappointed again, it is better to leave first;
- “Bed rest” became primitive or disappeared altogether.
As you understand, a woman is more often driven by fears and dissatisfaction of physical and psychological needs. Divorce cannot get rid of this kind of problem. Otherwise, it will become a habit, because the same thing will happen to your next husband. Solve problems together and with the help of specialists.
What can a man do to save his family?
If the husband does not want to destroy the relationship and lose the woman he loves, then he should not sit idly by. Since the wife has filed for divorce, it’s time to take decisive action...
What you need to change in yourself
If a man, when his wife wants to divorce, does not understand what to do, the advice of a psychologist will help. The main recommendation is to work on yourself.
Remember, at the beginning of the relationship the spouse was happy with everything? Answer yourself honestly, was your behavior different? If so, then it is necessary to look at the areas that failed . In each case, the problems are individual, but you should work on the most common causes of marriage breakdown:
- Surround the woman with care and attention. Perhaps you have stopped trying for your loved one. Give compliments, invite them to restaurants, for walks, give gifts.
- Divide household responsibilities. Help your spouse around the house, wash the dishes, buy groceries. Do the best you can. She will be very pleased if you prepare dinner, sit with the children, and at this time let her rest. The best option would be to hire a housekeeper, which is especially important if your loved one works or takes care of children.
- Become a man. Give your beloved the opportunity to feel protected and weak. If your family had financial difficulties, then find another job. In addition, do not forget about nice gifts.
- When a couple has children, disagreements over parenting may also cause the wife to want a divorce. In this case, you need to use the advice of a psychologist to agree on a general system of education. If you are not involved in the lives of your children, give them attention and care, show your spouse that you can be relied upon.
READ
How to make life happy after divorce: affordable ways
How to melt your loved one's heart
It's time to use the heavy artillery. Women are emotional people, so the best way to achieve reconciliation is to make your spouse fall in love with you again . You need to become an insidious seducer:
- Get yourself in order, change your image, go in for sports. A confident man will be able to arouse his wife's interest.
- Give unexpected surprises. This could be a serenade, a flash mob, recognition on a billboard or on a page on a social network.
- Fulfillment of desires. To win the heart of your beloved wife, you need to remember what she dreamed of and realize what she wanted. Maybe she wanted a fur coat, a bouquet of 100 roses, or a trip to Paris. If you show that you know her dreams, then she will again see you as a close and dear man.
Methods of manipulation
Each partner knows the weak points of their other half. If your wife wants a divorce, but you don’t, then you need to influence her with tricks:
- Through children. You need to set up the child, let him demand that mom and dad be together. To do this, you need to spend more time with him and be sad about parting. A more severe way of manipulation is the threat that you will sue the children and your spouse will not be able to give them anything. But such threats will not help make peace with your wife.
- Press for pity. This behavior should be used if the girl has a soft character. You need to convince her that you have nowhere to go, you can’t imagine life without her, everything falls out of your hands.
- Make her feel guilty. Any person is imperfect, so you can find flaws in him. If you convince a woman that no one needs her except you, then perhaps she will change her mind about getting a divorce out of fear of loneliness.
Please note that manipulation is a temporary solution to preserving a marriage, since without changes in the spouses, divorce is inevitable.
How to decide to divorce your alcoholic husband?
Empathy comes to an end when patience “bursts.” Alcoholics are treated with varying degrees of success, so, knowing the consequences, it is necessary to take decisive action. Since you need to decide to divorce a husband who abuses alcohol at one moment, you have to prepare. A drunk person is capable of picking up a knife or scattering household appliances around the apartment, which will result in injuries to those nearby, so protect the child, collect documents and necessary things and go ahead!
If, as a result of your spouse’s alcohol addiction, you developed the savior syndrome (they pulled him out of drinking sessions, carried him home, helped him get back on his feet after heavy drinking), it is necessary to include selfishness in this case as well. There is even a special technique, through which the subject visualizes his life in 5-10-15 years. The result shocks everyone, so in a moment of weakness the subject again imagines the future, as a result of which he leaves his loved one to “swim in his own shit.”
Let's talk:
- Look in the mirror and compare your appearance with your appearance five years ago;
- Arranges? No? But then a thought appeared: but I was alone, unnecessary to anyone, and he is mine - the only one, dear...;
- Are you able to interpret your husband’s actions as “I need you, I drink to you, that means I love you”? No!
- Are you wasting the best years of your life for the one you wanted as your husband? No! The appearance is comparable to the level of wasted nerves!
- Believe it or not, while you are living through these moments, you have met at least 10 suitable men. Is the game worth the candle? No!
If the arguments are not enough, read this aspect every morning.
How to decide to divorce after your husband cheats?
When considering the question: “How to decide to divorce your husband after news of infidelity?”, you need to consider two scenarios: a single case or a periodic one. It is also necessary to understand the strength of the resentment experienced by the wife. Women who have thought since childhood that there are no men who do not cheat, find it easier to perceive this information, as well as forgive their chosen one. But you shouldn’t deceive yourself, because this is your life. Are you able to live with a traitor, does the thought of the inevitability of a repeat incident bother you? Study the material: Should you forgive your husband’s infidelity? If you finally understand that you don’t want to live with this, use the tips described above.
Bad news
After several months of mental anguish, the woman plucked up courage and told her husband that she wanted a divorce. This news shocked him so much that he was speechless. He could barely squeeze out: “Why?” The wife replied that there was no specific reason. She's just tired of him. My husband sat in the kitchen all evening thinking.
This only intensified the woman’s disappointment in her husband, since for five whole years she lived with a man who, even in such a situation, is not capable of a masculine act. Before going to bed, he asked her what he needed to do to make her change her mind.
In response to this, the woman said: “If you can impress me, then I will stay with you.” She continued: “Imagine that I really wanted a flower that grows on the side of a high cliff. If you try to pick it, you will die. What will you do?" The husband said that he would answer in the morning.
How not to be afraid of divorce from your husband?
The overwhelming majority of women are afraid of what they instill in themselves or try on other people’s situations for themselves, but problems, like people, are unique. If it didn’t work out for someone, it’s not a fact that it will be the same for you.
It is a mistake to think that after a divorce you:
- You will remain alone (even with a child);
- Don’t feed yourself and your child (count expenses, not income, buy what you need);
- You will find a drilling stepfather for your child (don’t rush, analyze).
This is your life, you are in charge of it! Write about your fears in the comments, I will answer!
Test: to divorce or not?
1. Does your husband flirt with other women?
2. Have you ever heard that you spend too much money on cosmetics, clothes, etc.?
3. Do you often lie to your husband?
4. Is there a difference in your appearance before marriage and now?
5. Have you often caught your husband lying?
6. Have you cheated on your husband?
7. During conflicts, did you notice behind yourself: “It’s begun” or “Oh, that’s it!” and went off topic?
8. Does your husband want a child?
9. What is the interaction like between the child(ren) and your husband?
10. Does your husband cheat?
11. Does your husband often feed you promises to do a man’s job in everyday life, but does not fulfill it?
12. Who, in your opinion, should be the head of the family?
13. Do you often allow yourself leisure time without your husband?
14. Whose salary is higher?
15. How do his relatives treat you?
16. How do your relatives treat your husband?
17. Have you often heard from your husband that you make him jealous?
18. Do you want to have a child with your husband?
19. Does your husband thank you for spending intimate time with you?
20. Do you often hear that you are unable to clean up, wash the dishes, or are a poor cook?
Why is my wife threatening divorce?
There are a great many reasons why a wife constantly threatens her with divorce, and almost all of them are classified as blackmail. Blackmail is a well-known manipulation technique. Why should he give in? This is a separate issue that we will consider below. As for the reasons, psychologists note the following:
- Lack of love (if a girl got married for convenience, then every lack of money will drive her crazy, during these periods the man will feel unnecessary; if she feels love of the “Mania” type, then in the absence of attention, as in the bouquet and candy period, will begin to threaten divorce);
- Confidence in the future (example: a woman is not deprived of male attention, during a divorce she will be able to make choices again or everything is written down to her, after a divorce she will be able to live independently; a more serious case: a woman does not feel discomfort when she is alone due to numerous psychological traumas, she knows that you will still be together, so he does not neglect threats);
- Arrogance (if she is not rich, then she feels insignificant, usually flawed individuals require attention and warmth, arrogance is a cover and a means of protection from the awareness of one’s own weakness);
- Resentment for a man’s offense (in some cases, a man really deserves a beating (for example, a man’s infidelity, see What can I do to make my wife forgive the betrayal?), but due to certain circumstances and the remainder of love, the woman is forced to stay close, sometimes expressing her subconscious dissatisfaction, which is still since married to a marriage criminal);
- Testing (a woman threatens and threatens with divorce due to a lack of trust in her husband, in order to check whether he wants to run away from her to a stranger or not (see Why do women get jealous? | The wife is jealous for no reason. What to do?));
- Female infidelity (see Signs of a wife's infidelity.) (about 70%, when a wife threatens divorce, in fact she admits the fact that she has somewhere to go, whose shoulder to hide behind and live happily ever after).
