The relationship between a man and a woman, a boy and a girl is not a simple thing. Sometimes it’s even very difficult. Any relationship begins with the first sight, with the first smile, with the first words. The romance begins, the candy-bouquet period begins. Valentine's days pass in harmony, love and mutual understanding. But as everyone knows, in any, even the most harmonious relationship, romance is replaced by the next stage - a moment of misunderstanding, resentment and litter. It seems that the overflowing vase of feelings has cracked, all the good things are forgotten, and young people begin to notice each other’s shortcomings. Today we’ll look at how to talk about relationships that are collapsing.
If you are over twenty, first ask yourself the question: “Is it worth fixing a broken vase if sooner or later water will flow out of the cracks again? How badly do you want to stay in your relationship with this guy? Why do you need this?
How to talk to a guy about a relationship?
Many people say that they cannot live without their beloved, and in a fit of desperation, in order to keep their loved one close, they do stupid, thoughtless things. If you want to save your relationship, find out and eliminate the cause of the discord. To do this, you need to sit down at the negotiating table. Only in conversation is the truth born, and understatement leads to resentment and misunderstanding.
When you meet on your next date in the evening, preferably in a quiet place where there will be no crowds and no one will disturb you, do not hesitate to start a conversation. It is advisable not to use phrases like “We need to talk to you seriously” or “Our feelings have reached a dead end, let’s decide something.”
Think it over, find a gentle approach to your loved one, don’t put pressure on him, men shy away from this and run away ahead of time. But we have a different goal, we want to be close to this person, so show flexibility and cunning.
For example, start your conversation like this: “Darling, lately we have begun to quarrel so often. Remember, everything was different before, let’s work together to bring back that wonderful time. Let’s not hide anything, let’s tell each other what doesn’t suit us, and try to change, this is the only way we can save our relationship.”
It’s not worth shouting and throwing a tantrum, nor is it worth proving that you’re right. Give him the opportunity to speak out, do not interrupt him, ask questions that interest you. Try to understand and put yourself in his place. Analyze the current situation and find compromises.
If during the conversation you realized that your feelings have cooled down, you need to give the relationship a rest in order to understand whether you need each other. Time will tell whether you will be bored when you are apart, or whether you will not even remember your soulmate. There is no doubt about whether you did the right thing. It’s better to put a period in time than to clutter commas all your life.
There is a conversation: how to talk to a man about a relationship?
How to talk to a man about a relationship in order to come to a common understanding? Where to start such a conversation, where its dangerous peaks may arise and how to overcome them if necessary - read the latest article.
If there's one thing we've learned from movies, it's that saying "we need to have a serious conversation" usually doesn't bode well. We subconsciously tense up, our blood is saturated with stress hormones - as a result, the conversation has not even begun, and we are already pretty exhausted.
But a serious conversation may not always have a negative scenario! It can improve your relationship and bring you significantly closer. How? Let's figure it out together.
It is often so difficult to start a serious conversation about a relationship with a man because partners have already had similar negative experiences in the past, are afraid of misunderstandings or a possible deterioration in the relationship, so they try to delay this dialogue or even convince themselves that it is not necessary.
Why might such rejection occur?
- Perhaps your partner has reasons for this. For example, in a past relationship, when he opened up, he was ignored, showered with a wave of aggression, or humiliated. It is logical that he does not want a repetition.
- Guilt and shame can be hidden behind fear. One of the subconscious triggers of shame in men is the feeling that his woman is upset and unhappy. According to this logic, since his woman wants to talk, that means she is unhappy, and since she is unhappy, he is guilty and bad.
- A man may consider the situation unimportant or not “masculine” enough—feeling incompetent and insignificant in it. After all, there is a fairly widespread opinion in society that a man is responsible only for material things, and a woman is solely responsible for the emotional situation in a couple.
- Preventive defense reaction - the partner thinks that you will blame him and deliberately enters the conversation on edge.
It seems that the main thing about how to talk seriously with a man about a relationship lies in conveying the value and likely benefits of such a conversation - that your relationship will only improve after this, and your life together will become more harmonious and simpler.
But it is important to prepare for such a conversation:
Determine the motive.
Usually such conversations have only two goals - to solve a specific problem or to speak out about the accumulated emotional baggage (tell how you perceive the current situation and realize how your man feels about it) before it becomes a problem. What option do you have?
Start from the end.
From what you want to achieve and why it is so important to you. Keep the main points in mind to convey to your loved one everything you wanted to say.
Psychologist John Gottman has proven that conversations usually end on the same note as they started, so be sure to start the conversation positively and lightly.
Presumption of innocence.
You enter the conversation from a position of absolute respect - without blaming the other, without trying to shift responsibility onto him. It is important for your partner to feel safe, to know that you are focused on improving the relationship and his personal well-being.
Trust and respect.
For a deep conversation to take place, your partner must trust you. Constructive conversation requires authenticity, positive feedback, and caring about each other.
You are not enemies, but allies. You are not trying to prick each other more, but want to come to greater understanding. A measured tone, calm and soft communication removes threats and misunderstandings.
Now you can speak the language of the soul, and not bloody wound each other's egos. Be considerate of the other person's feelings. Remember that a difficult conversation will pass, and all the caustic, even random words, will be remembered and will become a painful thorn in the heart of a loved one.
One conversation - one topic.
When trying to discuss the most important things, do not jump from topic to topic, bringing up all the exciting situations at once. This will only confuse, distract from the important issue, and probably frustrate. Solve questions sequentially, from the whole to the particular.
Perhaps already resolved issues will shed light on dozens of new ones.
Support yourself.
In psychology, there is the concept of “self-empathy” - recognition and acceptance of one’s own feelings. If the situation is heating up, it is important to understand how you feel (are you scared? hurt? hurt?) and how you feel physically (heart pounding, cold inside, dizzy).
When you become aware of these emotions, you give yourself the right to accept them and let them go in an environmentally friendly way so that you can quickly get into a resourceful state and effectively continue the conversation.
Talk only about yourself.
Talk about what you feel without judgment. Changing another person still won't work. Present your main points clearly and clearly so that you can be easily and correctly understood. With the phrase: “You ruined my life,” you shift responsibility to someone else, while: “I feel anxious because we rarely see each other, I want to spend more time together,” is a clear statement of the problem.
Simple rules on how to have a serious conversation with a man about a relationship come down to one thing - showing love and mutual respect. With this approach, the issues discussed do not become problems, but only strengthen trust between you.
PS As relationships develop, a man and a woman develop, grow, and therefore change. Therefore, the question of how to talk to a partner about a relationship has no expiration date; it is important both in the first years of marriage and decades later.
With love for women, women's coach Irina Pracheva.
How to talk to a guy about relationships if you are still teenagers?
Experience and wisdom come with age. Teenage relationships are very difficult, hormones are seething and you want to shout to the whole world about your love. And when things don’t work out the way we would like, it’s the end of the world for lovers.
It’s difficult to talk to a guy if he’s your same age and achieve the desired result. At this age, guys have the wind in their heads, girls develop faster and take everything more seriously. Therefore, psychologists advise dating older guys, maybe two years.
It’s better to have a conversation with a guy your age in youth slang, without abstruse phrases, so it will be clearer to him what you are trying to achieve. When a guy blames you for all his troubles, think, no, not about your behavior, but about how much he values you and whether he needs you at all.
Both must work to create strong bonds. When one partner bends over backwards to be together, it's not a relationship, it's a waste of time. We were given language so that we could talk, not mumble in response. Therefore, you should not be afraid of conversations, suffer from unsaid moments and reproach yourself in everything. If he loves you, he will understand, but if he doesn’t love you, he will leave. Think about it, perhaps, by trying to save a broken relationship, you are losing the chance to meet the one who will understand you without words, at one glance, and accept you for who you are.
Dear girls, remember one simple theorem: “The less we love a boy, the more he likes us.” Why do many people say: “How can you live with such a bitch?” or “Such a good girl, she knows how to do everything, why did he leave her?” After conducting a survey among men, we found out that eating soup every day gets boring and makes you want borscht. Or some simply say that they find it too sweet, even cloying, that everything is served by a girl on a silver platter.
Girls, a man should pursue you, not you! A man is a predator, the conqueror instinct awakens in him. Help him open up, remember that a woman should be fragile, tender and charming, and then they will carry you in their arms.
HOW TO TALK TO A MAN ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND DESIRE
You like him. You like him very much. What is it, you fell in love! Feelings rage and overwhelm, and strive to break free and shower your chosen one with a wave of recognition. Feelings are seething, and the mind is actively resisting, fixated on one thought: how to talk to a man, how to open up your feelings to him? How to confess your love to a guy? What if he... What if he... What about me then...
But maybe it’s not even reason, but intuition. We women are not always the only smart ones; we often come across only incredibly beautiful ones. But almost everyone has intuition, developed in one form or another. And she correctly warns that you don’t need to explain yourself when you suddenly really want to. It would be good if he, the beloved, had a desire to listen to you. Hence the simple conclusion: it is very important to choose
The best time to talk
This does not mean the time of day, but the hour when a man is not in a hurry, does not look at his watch, does not wait for a call, and does not glance askance at the TV screen. He doesn’t worry about a quarrel with his boss or his favorite team not scoring a goal. He doesn’t glance sideways at the sizzling frying pan or the pristine dining table, and he doesn’t dream of taking a nap after a hard day at work. Of course, in the case when he himself cannot live without you for a minute, which he dreams of telling no less passionately than you, all these factors will remain unnoticed by him. But what if you need to talk to him not about love, but about your mother? About a very likely future child? About why he offended you so undeservedly? Or about how you desperately need that particular fur coat or that shopping trip... In general, we have many reasons to share our feelings. With the timing of revelations, I hope everything is already clear to you. Now it is equally important to decide
How exactly to talk to a man
Firstly, under no circumstances should you begin your explanation with the words “We need to talk,” much less “We need to talk seriously.” It’s as if he was flying to you on the wings of love and ran into a tightly closed crossing, or swam after you to the ends of the world, but was stopped by a sign “Do not swim beyond the buoys.” Secondly, think in detail about what you need to say. More precisely, what is IMPORTANT to say. Because you want to talk a lot and for a long time - your soul hurts! - but not many men are able to listen to a woman for a long time. Experience shows that this skill either does not develop in them at all, or atrophies over the years. Therefore, the shorter the better. But if we are talking about the arrival of a mother or a new car, the arguments must be convincing. The phrase “I really want to” may not have any effect on him. What can help? This is another rule:
Talk to a man frankly
Maybe you are really lucky to meet a subtle, understanding man who catches hints on the fly and immediately deciphers them the way you wanted. But most likely not, bad luck. Most likely, he is not a decipherer, so the man needs to talk about everything directly. About the fact that he offended you, that you dream of being with him, that the child needs new shoes, that you would really like to receive more than just flowers as a gift... The main thing is that you care about this and you share your experiences with him, the closest one, problems, and not just filling a pause (and he is quite capable of solving it and immediately forgetting about everything). True, frankness is good up to a certain point. If you confess your love, try
Don't touch the past
No matter how interesting this topic may be to him, do not give in to provocations. When answering a question, you can give a short general answer. But try not to touch on this side of your feelings, especially past ones. Complete frankness may not be understood correctly by everyone, and reticence will provide food for a variety of, sometimes very far from reality, conclusions: that you are comparing him with a previous opponent, or you just haven’t forgotten him yet, or... It won’t even occur to you that can imagine a friend burning with jealousy.
In general, it’s customary for us to raise boys from childhood in such a way that they are embarrassed to talk about their feelings, they don’t know how and, as a result, they really don’t want to. But we know how, we want to, and often without it we feel completely unhappy. Therefore, remember how to talk to a man about your feelings, try to be happy and teach your man to make you that way.
How to have a sincere conversation with a guy?
The most difficult thing will be to start your heart-to-heart conversation. It is best if you choose a suitable place and time for this, when your young man is in a good mood. If your conversation touches on serious and sore topics, you should wait not for your lover’s good mood, but for a neutral one, otherwise you risk receiving negative emotions from him for ruining the day, which started so well.
Start the conversation with the fact that you need to talk, and it is better to start the conversation not with accusatory phrases, where only the word “you” will be present, but by voicing your experiences and feelings. For emotional dialogue, the pronoun “we” is more suitable.
Don't try to convey to your lover how bad he is. If something doesn’t suit you, don’t throw out all your negativity on the guy. It will be much better if you tell him that you are very happy with him, that he is the best, but there are some things that bother you and that you might like to change.
You shouldn’t make huge speeches in a monologue. Let your boyfriend express his point of view and explain his behavior and his actions. You may be able to come to a common denominator much faster than you expected.
Get ready for the fact that your conversation will not bring a fleeting solution to all problems, but will only provide food for thought. Any problem needs to be thought through, so ask your significant other to seriously think about what you said, and eventually return it in conversation.
