Working with resentment - techniques and procedures that remove resentment.

Resentment can strike at the most inopportune moment, because this condition is difficult to predict. Knowing how to cope with resentment will help prevent the serious consequences of this condition: psychosomatic illnesses, destruction of social contacts, family breakdown in the event of resentment within a relationship. Pride, which becomes a springboard for resentment, is not for nothing considered a serious sin. After all, it is precisely this that leads to high sensitivity.

If a person cannot forgive the offender, his soul is destroyed, balance and calmness leave the body, his whole life comes down to replaying negative thoughts or the desire to take revenge on the offender. If an unpleasant state constantly washes away the soul, then a person develops dissatisfaction with life, his personality changes for the worse. But there are quite a lot of methods on how to survive an insult. They are effective for restoring mutual understanding between a man and a woman, and for solving all problems between colleagues or friends.

Why do people hurt each other?

The offender, just like the offended person, is the same person with his own weaknesses, shortcomings, problems and the right to make mistakes. Think: are you sure you’ve never offended anyone? It is 99.9% safe to say that the answer will be negative. To understand why we hurt each other, look at yourself. For what reasons might you do this? If you dig deep within yourself, you can discover amazing things. Although, it is possible that you do not even suspect that you could offend someone with a careless word or action.

In essence, resentment is unjustified expectations. Perhaps you expected one thing from a person, but he did something different. Maybe you didn't know him well enough to be shocked by his actions. Although sometimes it is very difficult to predict what even the person we have known for many years will do.

The cause of resentment can be offensive words, offensive phrases, offensive actions, and even the inaction of the offender in some situations. Sometimes insults are inflicted for one banal reason - envy. In such cases, this can well be considered a disguised compliment. There are very few who will praise for any successes and heights achieved. But there are plenty of those who will criticize, scold or ridicule. Many people, by inflicting offense, assert themselves at the expense of another person, at least slightly increasing their own importance in their eyes. The more the offended person reacts, the more satisfaction it will bring to the offender. So why succumb to his tricks and allow him to “grow” in such a vile way?

Methods of working with fears

There is benefit to fears too. For example, fear of night time, and a woman, husband, and adult children meet after evening courses.

Fear is a “repressed desire” (what I fear is what I want most). For example, a woman is afraid of quarreling with her stepdaughter.

What will happen if you quarrel with her? She wants to quarrel with her so that she will go to live with her grandmother, and she and her husband will be left alone.

For example, a woman is afraid that she will be sent to prison.

You will be imprisoned, and what will happen?

It turns out that prison is a resort, a sanatorium compared to the life in which she lives. Because In this way, she shifts responsibility and does not refuse to earn money herself.

Do you really need to go to prison to improve your personal life?

It turned out that her sacrifice is not necessary, because... others will be able to take care of themselves.

Fear can be based on a real situation, for example, a person was bitten by a dog or something happened before her eyes. It paralyzes and interferes with life.

Fear may be unfounded, i.e. without real basis, far-fetched. For example, there is a lot of strictness and prohibitions, but she really wants it.

Or, for example, worry about a child. Is the child really in danger? She wants the child to die if, for example, he interfered with her career or was born from an unloved man.

Neuroses/phobias are the work of a psychiatrist.

Resentment and forgiveness

Some psychologists view resentment as an area of personal growth. For example, were you told that you don’t know how to do something (embroidery, bake pies, write without mistakes), your figure is far from ideal, or something else that offended you? If the words spoken hurt you, it means that this is how you think about yourself, even if you are not ready to admit it to yourself.

Perhaps you realize that you need to lose those extra pounds or learn how to cook delicious baked goods? A person who is confident in himself and does not feel the need to prove anything to others will not be offended by such words. He will accept them with laughter, since he thinks completely differently, and if the opponent doesn’t like something (or is simply jealous, which is not uncommon), then this is solely the opponent’s problem.

If something has offended you, think about what it is. This is exactly the growth zone, the place that prevents you from accepting and loving yourself. Thank the offender for showing you exactly where you feel bad about yourself.

Forgiving an offense and letting it go is a special skill that can be developed, like any other skill. This does not mean that it needs to be swallowed. It is necessary to work through the unpleasant feelings that it causes. There will be no negative feelings - there will be no resentment. By forgiving the offender, you become stronger and freer.

Working with anger.

If there is anger, then you first need to work with it, and then move on to other feelings.

Show me how angry you are. (Paper, stack of newspapers, stomping feet, intensity due to effort).

The ability to forgive insults.

Give homework “write a letter of accusation,” and when the person comes to the consultation and reads it, we suggest that he replace the name of the offender with his name.

"5 steps of forgiveness."

Step 0 – making a decision – “I want to forgive.” Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or repressing, devaluing (nothing bad), changing the sign of an action, justifying. To forgive means to accept a person and his attitude. For example, if he did not pay off the debt, then next time think about how much I can give.

Forgiveness is when I share responsibility:

• I understand that a person did something wrong, he is human, and we all make mistakes, and he is responsible for it

• my responsibility for the situation lies in the fact that I am responsible for my feelings, actions, and attitude towards what happened.

It is not the person who is our enemy, but his behavior and attitude. It is very difficult to accept, because... there is a secondary benefit. And if the decision is not made sincerely, further work is useless.

Step 1 – accusation.

For example, she doesn’t respect me, doesn’t value me, contradicts my opinion, doesn’t work, sits idle, is jealous, discusses me with other colleagues, complains to her bosses.

Step 2 – expectations (there should be no NOT particle here).

For example, I want her to treat me with respect, my ideas, help and make her suggestions, take a step towards me, and we would discuss everything, treat me without cunning, envy, and kindly.

Step 3 – explanation (why a person treats me this way, does this, it shouldn’t be BECAUSE I…)

For example, for her work is not of much importance in life, she does not want to work at all, she prefers to establish good relationships with other people, chat, etc., she lacks knowledge.

Step 4 – clarification, expression of feelings

For example, how do you feel when you are offended. Unnecessary, humiliated, insulted, helpless. Disappointed, deceived, used.

It is necessary to choose the most painful place and depict this feeling with a pose, an image, i.e. let me feel it.

Our task: to accept this state, to immerse ourselves until it stops disturbing, and until the person stops resisting and calms down. For example, the key is behind bars, you need to jump, or reach the bottom, and then get the key.

The next step is speaking

There should be a calm reading, if not, it means that something has not been completed somewhere, i.e. this needs to be muttered as a statement of fact.

“Dear Lyuba, I was offended by you because you...

I would like to…..

I think…… because…..

When you did that, I felt..."

Step 5 – division of responsibility

Remember a situation where you felt a sense of inner completeness, you were filled with love, you wanted to sing and give everyone joy. Or find such a place within yourself. A large amount of love and warmth is needed so that they can be given “from fullness, from generosity.” Found it, felt it, want to share?

And in this state we distribute responsibility.

Your responsibility...

My responsibility is that I reacted this way.

Environmental verification.

Imagine who you were like when you were offended. Imagine an image from a mazayka (for example, Baba Yaga), throw it on a tray and imagine a new image of yourself who has forgiven. If you don’t like it in some way, it means something hasn’t been finalized yet.

If you don't forgive him, will anything change in your life?

Imagine if you find yourself in this situation again, how will you react?

Now look, “is there any log in your eye”?

Now ask the person for forgiveness and be grateful that he showed it to you.

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR REACTIONS AND EXPECTATIONS

HE IS FOR BEHAVIOR AND EXPLANATIONS (SITUATION).

D/Z: sort out a few minor grievances yourself. This will help you learn to think before you react emotionally. Ideally, you can learn to give feedback IMMEDIATELY!

I feel bad right now.

Something is bothering me, let's figure it out.

Components of Resentment

Resentment is a complex feeling consisting of different emotions. The main ones are anger at the offender and self-pity. There is an opinion that pathological resentment is the lot of self-centered people who do not get what they want. Wounded pride makes them experience negative feelings towards the opponent who offended them.

To understand the essence of resentment, you need to know that it consists of three main components:

Setting expectations. A person begins to expect from another that he will perform a certain action. Often he doesn't even communicate what he wants. But, since each of us is an individual, the thoughts of two people may not coincide. Many problems and conflicts between individuals usually occur due to the fact that we simply do not know how to talk to each other. And so it happens: we quarrel with parents, spouses, children, colleagues or friends because of omissions, continuing to expect that they will “read” our thoughts and figure out what to do. Think: are you able to know exactly what even your closest person wants at a certain moment? Can you guess? If yes, then you are unique.

Observation of actions. In addition to the fact that a person observes the behavior of another, he constantly predicts a negative result and because of this he criticizes and gets angry.

The onset of reality. When expectations do not match reality, resentment arises. And the greater the “deviation” from expectations, the brighter it is.

Without imposing your views and opinions on another person, allowing him to do as he wants, you can protect yourself from offense. Everyone is free to speak, behave and act as they please. And if you are aware of this, you will not expect from others what you may never expect. Accept the other person with the same individuality that you are.

What is resentment?

A sullen appearance, compressed lips, a lowered head and gaze, tears and reproaches - these are all the external signs of an offended person. When we talk about offense, we mean the feeling that a person experiences in a situation when he does not receive what he wanted (expected) or receives something he did not expect, for example, an insult.

What does a person experience in this case?

1. Anger at the offender - did not keep a promise, did not live up to expectations, insulted, deceived, etc.

2. Sadness, self-pity - they acted unfairly, betrayed hopes and expectations, did not appreciate (or devalued), rejected, etc.

We see that resentment is a multicomponent feeling, which consists of two emotions (feelings) - anger and sadness. Therefore, an offended person demonstrates both tears (complaints) and angry reactions (reproaches, threats of revenge).

What kind of offense can there be?

Resentment is one of the most emotional states that only brings harm to the offended person. However, in some cases, the “offender” himself gets nothing good from his opponent’s insult, and he himself loses in many ways. Why did we put this word in quotes? But the whole point is that the offender is not always the offender. However, first things first. To understand what we are talking about, you should understand what kind of offense there is:

Resentment-manipulation. Resentment in psychology is often seen as a method of manipulation. Quite primitively, but effectively, children use this method of getting what they want. Tears, sobs, a depressed mood - this is how a child may try to “spin” his parents for a new toy, more pocket money or personal time for entertainment. Unfortunately, many adults take the same approach. The reasons for manipulative behavior can vary. Someone wants to win a leading position in a relationship and points to the opponent’s “place,” which could be a love partner, colleague, parent, friend, etc. For some, resentment-manipulation is a way to get some kind of benefit. Often the so-called “offended” person himself provokes a situation that will allow him to be offended with a clear conscience.
Formal insult. In a society, there may be certain traditions and cultures in which concepts are formed regarding what is worth being offended by. From childhood, people are taught what is offensive and what is not (stereotypes). If you add egocentricity to this, you get a very touchy person. Offending a person in such cases is not difficult, even if nothing offensive was said or done.
Resentment is a natural reaction. This is a completely natural reaction when some words or actions hurt the feelings of another person, his abilities and “I”. For example, it is difficult to imagine that there could be any other reaction to betrayal, deception or ingratitude. But, even in such cases, resentment carries nothing but malice, anger, and undesirable psychosomatic consequences (health problems).

Resentment is usually a subjective feeling. For example, what may be offensive to one person is a trifle to another that is not even worth attention. This proves that we are all different: with our own character, upbringing, level of emotional sensitivity, characteristics of the nervous system and attitudes. It's not always the case that when someone offends you, they do it on purpose. It is quite possible that some words or actions hurt you because this is your “pain point” that others are not aware of. Or, perhaps, the offender does not have a sufficient level of tact, tolerance and life experience to understand that he is saying or doing something wrong.

How to deal with grievances

Parable "Resentment"

The student asked the teacher:

-You are so wise. You are always in a good mood, never angry. Help me to be like that too.

The teacher agreed and asked the student to bring potatoes and a transparent bag.

“If you get angry with someone and harbor a grudge,” said the teacher, “then take these potatoes.” On one side, write your name, on the other, the name of the person with whom the conflict occurred, and put these potatoes in a bag.

- And it's all? – the student asked in bewilderment.

“No,” answered the teacher. You should always carry this bag with you. And every time you are offended by someone, add potatoes to it. The student agreed.

Some time passed. The student's bag was replenished with several more potatoes and became quite heavy. It was very inconvenient to always carry it with you. In addition, the potatoes that he put in at the very beginning began to spoil. It became covered with a slippery nasty coating, some sprouted, some bloomed and began to emit a sharp, unpleasant odor. The student came to the teacher and said:

“It’s no longer possible to carry this with you.” Firstly, the bag is too heavy, and secondly, the potatoes have spoiled. Suggest something different.

But the teacher replied:

- The same thing happens in your soul. When you are angry or offended at someone, a heavy stone appears in your soul. You just don't notice it right away. Then there are more and more stones. Actions turn into habits, habits into character, which gives rise to fetid vices.

And it is very easy to forget about this burden, because it is too heavy to carry with you all the time. I gave you the opportunity to observe this whole process from the outside. Every time you decide to be offended or, conversely, offend someone, think about whether you need this stone. We ourselves create our vices. Do you need to carry a bag of rotten potatoes inside?

What is resentment?

Being offended is childish demonstrative behavior. An offended person is a helpless child/adult who is accustomed to others doing everything for him.

Resentment is an event (everyday situation) that is assessed as an unfair violation of rights and an offensive attitude, causing damage to honor and status. A feeling of resentment is an emotion, an experience of this event. This is expressed in an alternation of protest, accusations, aggression and experiences of suffering, used to attract attention and put pressure on the partner.

But being offended is completely different, it’s an action. To be offended is to begin to see what happened as an offense in yourself and begin to experience a feeling of resentment. To be offended is to offend yourself. The author of your grievance is always you!

With the habit and desire to be offended, a person takes offense (offends himself) at anything. The more often a person sees insults around him, the more easily he is offended, the more reason to talk about his touchiness as a character trait. For children, this phenomenon is a natural means of putting pressure on loved ones - parents, friends, brothers and sisters. As people grow up, they begin to understand that this scheme is not a civilized way of resolving disagreements, and they learn to live without offense. However, not everyone grows up. This feeling is experienced by someone who has learned to be offended and continues to do so. This feeling is not an innate emotion. Babies have in their arsenal an innate, simpler behavior - a state of aggression, and complex behavior - resentment, which they have yet to master/acquire.

Reasons for resentment

If we deduce the causes of this phenomenon by degree of importance, then:

In the first place is an involuntary patterned emotional response - a habit from childhood;
on the second - there is internal gain and manipulation;
on the third - a feeling of injustice. Discrepancy with your expectations from the object.

How is this developed?

In connection with an event understood as an offense, we use anger (protest, accusations, aggression) to put pressure on the offender. If the possibility of direct aggression is closed (by impossibility; understanding that it is bad, then blocked by fear), then:

to attract attention, we trigger suffering (sadness or annoyance) and begin to harm ourselves;
accumulated aggression is turned inside the body, towards oneself (auto-aggression).

Total:

As an independent feeling, there is no feeling of resentment. Behind the “resentment” (“feeling of resentment”) there is either pure anger, or a mixture of anger (anger), fear and frustration. Resentment is a complex non-basic emotion that comes from unexpressed/hidden anger. Therefore, working with resentment overlaps in many ways and is similar to working with anger. And also this property often arises from illiterate work on anger. Psychologist.

The tendency to take offense is a bad character trait. Those who are offended are not loved, one way or another, they are punished. “They carry water on the offended,” so it’s worth acquiring a new model of behavior, see below.

There are grievances:

- small

(it hurt my soul quite a bit),

— serious

(it seriously hurt my soul)

— outdated

(serious, stuck and entrenched in the soul) - working with these types of grievances is a little different. Sometimes we get offended just completely in vain.

Minor grievance

If the offense is minor, it is best to ignore and forget it. The less attention she gets, the better. If you start working with it seriously, analyzing its causes and benefits, it will only grow. And if you notice: “Hmm, it’s even a little offensive! Well, okay, it will go away on its own!” - and get down to business, then soon everything will naturally be forgotten.

Serious offense

If the offense is not minor, the soul is seriously hurt and the soul hurts, you can work with the offense in different directions. First steps:

1. exercise “Replay”. A fantastic exercise that helps almost always and everyone!

2.turn on your head and stop stressing yourself out (exercise Thought Utilization or Thought Control);

3.understand that the other side is right and look at the person and situation positively (Positive translation, Taking out the positives, If only I loved);

4. look for the reasons for the offense, and most importantly, replace the question: “Why do I need this?” to “Why do I need this experience? What should I take away from this experience?

5. think about how you can relieve yourself from physical stress (Physical training is any physical activity, from physical exercise to cleaning the apartment).

Old grudge

Many people remember the insults inflicted on them for a very long time. You have already broken up with the person, but the resentment lives in your soul and does not go away for weeks, months, or even years. If this is your case, it's not healthy and your best bet is to see a psychologist. The following algorithm for changing the negative stereotype of resentment helps some people work independently:

Use your head and mind. List the things you should do today and now.

All the same steps as in case of a serious offense, plus...
Convert “Problem” to Task. The best way to end a grudge is to start doing something kind towards the person you hold a grudge against. Think about how you can start communicating with him, even ritually: maybe it would be appropriate to congratulate him on some holiday and on some good event. If you find an opportunity to thank him honestly, do it. If you have debts to a person, close them all! This is the best thing you can do to defuse the situation. This will make you feel better first of all.
If you often remember this person within yourself, train yourself to thank him for something every time. You had something good with him: what? Thank him for this. If you can write him a letter about this, that would be great, but you don’t have to send it: you’re doing it for yourself, but if you send it, it’s a great feat! See Depreciation Letter.
Cross out the word “betrayal” from your internal vocabulary. You must accept the fact that people change their views and plans, and they do not always consider it necessary to take care of you. You need to think like this: “The one who left me in trouble will be for me a person who looks at everything differently than I do.” Transfer the person who “brought” you offense to the camp of friends, because he is truly your friend, who teaches you life lessons and makes you stronger. This will help you do the “Don’t play the Victim” exercise.
“Do not consider people to owe or owe something to you personally or to the world as a whole - this is not true!”
The only one who owes you is you! See the Adoption of the Declaration of Reality.
You can also make a technique for breaking ties with a person to remove all negative feelings, or the same technique for breaking ties with resentment.

Article on Mathematical Psychology.

Mantra for the Offended

I'm such an important turkey that I can't allow anyone to act according to their nature if I don't like it.

I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment.

Oh, let him see how important this is - my offense, let him receive it as punishment for his “misdemeanor.”

After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life.

I don’t value my life so much that I don’t mind wasting her precious time on being offended.

I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a minute of playfulness; I would rather give this moment to my resentment.

And I don’t care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years.

I don’t mind spending years of my life in resentment - after all, I don’t value my life. I don't know how to look at myself from the outside.

I'm very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who offends it.

I will hang a sign on my forehead “Beware of the evil dog” and just let someone try not to notice it!

I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity in order to forgive, a drop of self-irony in order to laugh, a drop of generosity in order not to notice, a drop of wisdom in order not to get caught, a drop of love in order to accept.

After all, I am a very, very important turkey!

Osho.

humorous attitude towards life situations increases a person’s immunity, both mental and physical! Because the healthiest and beautiful person is the one who is not irritated by anything!

Online webinar “Psychology in every home!” - “Overwhelming insult!”

Topics: What is Resentment? Reasons for resentment. How to deal with minor grievances, serious ones, and old ones? Exercise "Replay". Mantra for the offended.

This webinar contains invaluable knowledge that will help you work through your grievances in just one webinar.

Conducted by a psychologist and hypnologist - Polina Sukhova.

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What are the heaviest grievances?

It’s unlikely that anyone will argue with the fact that the hardest thing to let go of is those closest to you – for example, your parents. It all starts from childhood. Many people remember this very important period in the life of every person as one when he was not given something or, on the contrary, was given something that he did not need. What do people most often complain and get offended about when they are already adults? Here are some examples:

little attention or overprotection from parents;
beliefs that you were loved less than other children in your family;
a lot of reproaches and criticism, comparison with other children;
lack of support from parents who did not believe in your abilities, etc.

In general, as many people and families, there are as many reasons for grievances. And often the reason is that children have a lot of expectations from their parents. They think that adults should always act wisely, because that’s why they are adults. And when expectations are not met, faith in the “ideality” of immediate family members collapses. And, unfortunately, we often carry these grievances throughout our lives.

In the future, resentment towards mother, father, grandparents, aunts or uncles is projected onto relationships with other people in adulthood. We transfer everything that we have not received onto our spouses and, of course, they also sometimes give reason to be offended by them. This most often contributes to the destruction of harmonious relationships.

Of course, those closest to you can really hurt a lot. Treason, betrayal, unwillingness to cooperate in resolving conflicts, indifference and other unpleasant actions are reasons to be offended. But think about it, do you need it? In some situations, it is better to minimize communication with such a person or even let him go (if this is a beloved man or woman), but before that it is better to forgive all grievances. It is not someone else who needs this, but you.

Why is forgiveness of offenses so important?

Many do not understand why he should forgive insults, citing the fact that this will make his offender even better and he will not suffer any punishment. You need to understand that this is necessary to maintain your health. You may ask, what does health have to do with it? You've probably heard that thoughts are material. Constantly replaying some painful situation in your head, remembering the details of the offense, you will not make things worse for the offender. Since you experience negative emotions, it is your body that suffers. After all, it’s no secret that stress provokes health problems. Resentment is stress, and constantly “chewing” resentment is persistent stress. Over time, emotional problems lead to physical illness. This is called psychosomatic diseases, and psychosomatics studies this problem - a science that explains the influence of psychological problems on the functioning of various organs.

Examples of some diseases that arise from emotional problems:

allergies – protest, difficulties in expressing one’s position, inability to refuse;
sore throat - unspoken resentment, anger because you cannot cope with some situation;
gastritis and other stomach diseases - anger, irritability, fear;
headaches, migraines - constant tension, tension, low self-esteem, self-criticism, fear;
gynecological diseases - rejection of femininity, a woman’s rejection of herself;
obesity - attempts to protect yourself from traumatic surrounding reality, hypersensitivity, building a barrier between yourself and the world;
liver diseases - unexpressed resentment, sadness, anger, suppression of irritability;
cancer – deep-seated resentment, desire for revenge, mental wound;
heart disease – lack of feeling of joy, love problems, loneliness.

With the help of diseases, negative emotions find a way out. But, if psychological problems are not solved, diseases will receive “feed” from them. This could drag on forever. So why accumulate grievances? Why should we allow them to poison our body, ruin our health and life? Let them go.

How to get rid of resentment

Before you begin to get rid of resentment, you should start by understanding how and why you need to forgive. Psychological advice will help with this, representing certain steps on the path to forgiveness.

So, how to deal with resentment (a few basic recommendations):

Learn a simple truth: resentment is evil and self-destruction. The worst thing is to feed resentment. Even if you are right a hundred times and the person really acted disgustingly towards you, your negative emotions will only harm you. They will slowly destroy you, eat you and leave only emptiness behind. This may be cliche advice, but you need to let go of the past, whatever it may be. You need to stay the course only forward and look boldly into the future.
Positive motivation is a huge force. Try to imagine what will happen if you begin to easily forgive your offender. First, you will no longer be affected by other people's negative actions towards you. You will be free from pain and resentment, you will not destroy yourself. Secondly, you will be able to build relationships with other people without unnecessary fears, because resentment often prevents you from looking with clear eyes at the world around you. Thirdly, a person devoid of grievances and dependence on negative emotions attracts good people more. And fourthly, you can be happy and feel harmony.
Negative motivation can also be a help. Think about what will happen if you never get rid of your resentment? The consequences can be dire:
The resentment will gradually grow like a snowball. Every year new grievances will be added to the old ones, which is why sooner or later a person will begin to get sick. The worst thing is that unforgiven grievances can lead to cancer.
Any relationship invariably deteriorates due to grievances. You stop trusting other people, lose your sense of joy and love. This can destroy any, even the strongest union.
Resentment will constantly prevent you from building a relationship with your loved one.
Often, resentment becomes a motive for revenge. And revenge, as we know, leads to a dead end. It can cause irreparable mistakes that can destroy not only your life, but also the lives of other people.
Learn a lesson even from negative situations. Oddly enough, we gain the most valuable experience from difficult life situations. Be grateful to those people and circumstances that test your strength. After all, they make you stronger.
A sense of humor will help cope with resentment. You should learn to be self-critical. None of us are perfect, but those people who are able to admit this and joke about themselves are strong. If you can laugh at your shortcomings, others will have no point in poking at them. This will not give them any pleasure, because you are invulnerable in this regard.

Working with resentment - techniques and procedures that remove resentment.

I'll add a little more information to the topic. The most popular information about this is stated here -

===================================== Scientific information. The verb “offend” comes from the combination ob-see, where the preposition ob- means “around, going around, passing” (for comparison: deprive, weigh). Thus, the word “offend” means “to overlook, not to look.” Etymological dictionary of the Russian language by M. Vasmer.

So, resentment is self-pity combined with a claim to another. This claim is usually associated with a perceived lack of attention, respect, trust, and the inability to receive confirmation of one’s own worth and importance from another person. The feeling of resentment contains not only self-pity, but also a reproach for unfair treatment addressed to another person.

The first grievances can arise already in preschool age - they appear simultaneously with the need for recognition and respect. Taking offense at their parents or peers, children acutely experience the infringement and “inadequacy” of their “I” in situations of ignorance (lack of attention), loss, denial of something important and desired, disrespectful treatment, and even in situations of someone else’s success and superiority. The behavior of a person experiencing an insult is often demonstrative: he turns away, stops talking, and moves away. It’s as if he’s saying with all his appearance: “It’s because of you that I’m suffering so much!” By causing a feeling of guilt in the interaction partner, the offended child still expects to get what he wants - at least with the help of such manipulations.

Psychologists advise distinguishing between adequate and inadequate reasons for showing and experiencing resentment. A reason is considered adequate when there is a conscious rejection or disrespect of a communication partner. An inadequate reason for the manifestation of resentment is when a child attributes to others a disrespectful attitude towards him. In this case, a person reacts not to the real attitude of others, but to his own unjustified expectations, that is, he sees something that actually does not exist.

Some people too often see in the actions of others signs of neglect and disrespect for themselves, and over time, an increased tendency to be touchy becomes a stable destructive trait of their personality. The problem of resentment and overcoming it becomes especially important in adolescence. It is during this period that sensitivity to the opinions, attitudes and assessments of others increases; Teenagers are especially sensitive to negative evaluations that pose a threat to their emerging “self-image.” The main problem of touchy children and adolescents is the perception of others as a source of negative, disdainful attitude towards them. That part of self-esteem, which experts call “I through the eyes of other people,” turns out to be highly distorted in such children and adolescents: they believe that others (especially peers) evaluate them undeservedly negatively. Finding themselves in a conflict situation, touchy children and adolescents do not try to resolve it, but seem to “get stuck” in a quarrel, condemnation, accusations and self-justifications. However, the feeling of being “undervalued” is just the result of their own ideas: research shows that even overly touchy children, despite their conflict, are not unpopular or rejected in the group.

Thus, the basis of increased sensitivity is the child’s tense and painful attitude towards himself and contradictory self-esteem, coupled with an acute and insatiable need for recognition and respect. A touchy child (teenager) constantly looks at himself through the unkind eyes of other people, which gives rise to inevitable problems in interpersonal relationships. Touchiness, as a rule, is combined with such personal characteristics as infantilism, egocentrism, conflict and aggressiveness, and a tendency to experience feelings of guilt.

Scientific information. 1. Psychoanalysis: resentment is a manifestation of anxiety in a person gripped by fear, love and guilt. Resentment is a consequence of an internal conflict associated with the desire to rely on others and the inability to do so because of feelings