❗ Aggression directed towards those closest to you (and who could be closer than mom) is a common behavior for children under 3-4 years of age.
A mother often becomes the object of an “attack” from a little rebel for the simple reason that she (usually) spends the most time with the baby and therefore becomes a source of negative emotions for the child: the mother often forbids something, takes something away, turns off something cartoons, etc.
★ A child’s natural reaction is to become angry and offended. Often babies impulsively swing their arms and even hit their mother.
Parents beat their children: causes and consequences
When the topic of physical violence at home is raised, the mind paints a picture of relationships within a marginal family .
Everything is clear there: one or both parents abuse alcohol, and in a drunken stupor children fall under the hot hand.
But it doesn’t always happen like this: the child is beaten by apparently prosperous parents who realize that this should not be done . But they can’t stop either.
Reasons why a father or mother raises their hand to their children, consequences:
- Repeating the script .
Now an adult was also beaten as a child. He has grown up and follows the learned program. It turns out to be a vicious circle. In the future, his child risks taking one of two paths: becoming aggressive towards close people (boy) or getting used to perceiving beatings as the norm and even a manifestation of love (girl). How dangerous this scheme is can be seen in the daily news where a promiscuous man maims or kills a forgiving woman. Most likely, they grew up in families where violence was the norm. - The child was in danger : he went for a walk without permission and did not appear for a long time, for example. A frightened parent may rashly spank a forgetful child. The incident is unpleasant, but not tragic.
- The son or daughter did not live up to their expectations .
Sometimes an adult himself cannot admit that he is angry with a child because he does not have bright talents, is an average student, and is unattractive in appearance. The little man feels this attitude. Growing up, he remains closed, complex, and manifestations of auto-aggression (self-harm, suicide) are possible. People who are embarrassed to even contact a salesperson were brought up this way. - The parent is emotionally unstable , is at two poles of attitude towards the child: love or hatred.
Manifestations of both feelings are vivid, outbursts of irritation almost always end in assault. This behavior is typical of people from orphanages or even psychopaths. In the latter case, outside intervention is necessary, up to and including removal from parental rights. From such families come deeply traumatized people who hate their father or mother. - An adult is upset, overtired, and stressed. A bad mood affects children, sometimes leading to spankings and slaps on the head. The situation can be resolved painlessly when the parent understands that he is behaving incorrectly, asks for forgiveness from the child, and improves relations with him. If an adult shifts responsibility onto a son or daughter, the latter often develops a chronic feeling of guilt for everything in the world. In the future, a person who grew up in such conditions becomes a target for various kinds of manipulators.
Physical violence: how does a child feel?
It is difficult for a child to accept when the person from whom he expects protection begins to physically attack him.
In order not to burn out, the child’s psyche forms a defense expressed in detachment from circumstances.
As a result, it is difficult for a little person to recognize his true feelings . He is trained to extinguish emotions; grown children have reduced empathy (empathy), which makes relationships with other people difficult.
In the most severe cases, a physically injured child develops a pathology called “multiple personality . This means that different “I”s with opposing desires coexist in a person.
In the depressed part of the personality, pain and anger at the parents remain forever. The desire for revenge pushes a grown person to display violence towards his children.
✨The “you can’t hit your mom” rule
Of course, you cannot ignore this behavior unless you dream of becoming victims of a little “tyrant” with your whole family: if you react with giggles, jokes and grins, this behavior will very quickly become the norm, which will then be extremely difficult for you to fight.
And this applies even to children aged 1.5-2 years. Even if these clumsy “fighters” touch you, your reaction should still be adequate. There is absolutely no point in laughing or joking about this topic!
★ An adequate reaction from the mother means that you must show the child, firstly, your disapproval, and secondly, the negative consequences of such a manifestation of aggression. Remember that your task is to teach your child to show emotions correctly, including anger (to show it, not to suppress it) so that it does not harm others and himself.
So, the child hit you or even just swung it hard (you can still consider that an “act of aggression” took place).
Is it acceptable for educational purposes?
The idea of spanking and slapping the head usually occurs to parents who want to stop their child’s bad behavior .
Perhaps a child of preschool or primary school age is behaving badly: he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t want to study.
The first manifestations of physical aggression will frighten him, for some time the boy or girl will behave as adults demand. In the future, the child will get used to such methods and stop reacting to them .
If a teenager is disobedient (for example, comes home late, gets involved with bad company), violence is a confirmation of the parent’s helplessness .
If a person of 13-16 years old does not feel the authority of his father and mother, then beatings will not correct the matter.
In all situations, education through physical violence will not succeed . There may be positive changes, but they will be short-lived. Later, the child will continue to behave as he wants, and the resentment towards the parents will remain.
What to do?
Physical violence occurs under different circumstances. The solution to the problem depends on various nuances: the severity of the punishment, the adult’s attitude to what is happening, the actions of the second parent.
Advice for Intemperate Adults
“I hit the child and I can’t stop myself. What should I do?
Awareness of the inadmissibility of violence is already a step towards a favorable outcome.
An adult who understands everything, but does not hold back at critical moments, can try several methods of self-soothing :
- Put yourself in the place of your son or daughter. Perhaps the bad deed was committed without malicious intent, the child had already repented, but he was hit anyway. Surely the parent himself found himself in a similar position. It is always appropriate to replace beatings with conversation; you can wait until the emotions subside.
- If the offense is serious enough, apply punishment, but do without a belt .
Every child has a favorite activity: computer games, walks, cartoons. Temporary deprivation of pleasure will help the child realize his mistakes. Later he will try to avoid such consequences; the authority of his parents will not suffer. - An effective way is to imagine that corporal punishment will be carried out in front of other people . You should feel no less ashamed for letting go in front of your own child than in front of a stranger.
If the cruelty happened once
“I hit the child on the head, I regret it: what should I do?”
Head injuries are serious. No child's action can explain such cruelty.
Here the mother needs to deal first with her moral state :
- If the case is isolated, you should not engage in unnecessary self-flagellation: it has already happened, now you need to correct the consequences. It is better to hug a crying child, calm him down, and experience the sadness with him. We can talk a little later.
- When the mother’s condition remains tense and there is a risk of breaking down, it makes sense to retire at least for a short time.
- If possible, take out aggression on an inanimate object (pillow, upholstered furniture, punching bag).
- When emotions subside, it’s useful conduct introspection. Call your feelings by their proper names: anger, powerlessness, irritation.
Finding the reasons for your own aggression will help eliminate its manifestations. Perhaps the breakdown occurred due to fatigue or serious problems not related to the son or daughter.It happens that the problem is hidden in the mother’s past: she was beaten as a child or she became a victim of violence at an older age.
- Talk openly with your child about your feelings, admit mistakes, apologize .
- Think over a plan of action if the desire to hit a growing person arises again. If you can’t cope on your own, it’s better to consult a specialist (for example, a family psychologist). He will help you find the source of the problem and tell you how to solve it.
If a child hits his mother: what to do?
At different moments of growth and maturation, a child from 1.5 to 3.5 years old begins to test the boundaries of what is permitted: he hits, pinches, bites, and pulls the hair of his mother, father, and grandmother. As a rule, at this age, events unfold within the family circle and do not yet spread to other children. What to do? Naturally, the recipe is not universal, but in cases when it comes to testing boundaries, this will be enough: 1. Immediately after the blow, it is important to tell the child that it hurts you and you don’t want him to do that. 2. If the blow is repeated, try to intercept your hand. 3. If at this moment the child is in your arms, after the second attempt, you need to let him go, again accompanied by the words that you are not pleased with such treatment and you will not communicate under such conditions. Thus, we attach actions to words, demonstrating with its help the essence of words. 4. If a child cries, you can almost immediately take him back into your arms and feel sorry for him. After all, our task is not to punish and humiliate, but to explain. And by getting away with it unexpectedly for the child, you really upset him. 5. If, after you have picked up the baby, the blow is repeated, release him from your arms again, also, if possible, calmly explaining WHAT SPECIFICALLY you do not like. It is important to find words that make it clear that it is not the child who is bad, but his behavior that is unacceptable. 6. Naturally, after this attempt you don’t immediately pick it up. But it’s also not worth leading to hysteria. Next time you can pick it up, lightly holding the baby’s hands. 7. If the child is not in your arms, it is also important to distance yourself while accompanying the actions with words. Those. if you were playing together, stop playing; if he ran up and hit, leave the room. 8. If all this happens in the presence of other family members or friends, it is important that they either do not interfere in the situation or support the mother. In this case, it is better to feel sorry for the victim, completely ignoring the offender. Such an example demonstrates to the child that such behavior is not the most successful way to attract attention and, most importantly, it does not work. 9. Consistency is important in all these actions. Those. If you can’t beat your mother, then you can’t hit her either in the morning, or in the evening, or on the street, or at a party, or in any other situations. As a rule, 2-3 weeks are enough to solve the problem. What you should never do are the classic mistakes of parents when they try to deal with such behavior: 1. “Hit back” by lightly hitting the hand in response or spanking. This is not true. Children copy the behavior of their parents, so in this way you demonstrate to the child that hitting is a completely acceptable way to express your dissatisfaction. What is not allowed for a child is not allowed for a mother either. 2. “Pretend to Cry” is a performance. If you do not touch the fact of deception itself, then subconsciously the child perceives even such a game as “entertainment,” especially at one and a half years old. And there is a risk that the child will continue to repeat his actions in order to see the “performance”. 3. The same thing that is said in paragraph 2 about “crying” applies to screams, cries of pain. If the child is not afraid, then he perceives what is happening as a “performance”. And he might want to repeat it. 4. Shame. Shame on you, etc. Shame is a social measure, which, if effective for educational purposes, is much later. For kids it's just a word. At the beginning of the article, we already said that such behavior is often a test of boundaries. Naturally, in the case when the child does not see such treatment in the family. If he is beaten himself, or one of the parents may raise a hand against the other, then he should start changing the situation with himself.
