In a large family, relationships between two generations are not always harmonious, and conflicts are difficult to avoid. But how can you avoid shouting at your beloved relatives if the conversation reaches a dead end and your opponents’ nerves are almost at their breaking point?
The question of how not to shout in the family is one of the most common, and even professional psychologists cannot find a definite answer to it. For example, the relationship between mother and daughter changes radically throughout life: in childhood they are best friends, in adolescence they are rivals for dad’s attention, in her youth the daughter again remembers her parents’ friendship, and already in adulthood she comes to full understanding and repentance for certain words and actions.
Before looking for a way out of a difficult family situation, you need to find out what the essence of the conflict is, what served as the “bone of discord” in the once cloudless and trusting relationship?
Causes of family conflict
So, adult parents do not always understand their growing children, are worried about their future, and strive to help and provide advice. Children, to the extent of their independence and youthful maximalism, reject such attempts and good intentions addressed to them, trying to step on “their rake.” If you look at it this way, then both sides are right in their own way: parents have the right to teach and educate, and children can also count on their mistakes and missteps. Accordingly, family conflict is inevitable.
Very often the problem lies in the poor upbringing of the younger generation, when parents initially spoiled and allowed their child everything, and as he grew older they began to be surprised at the caustic and not always cultural expressions addressed to them. It is almost impossible to change the character, habits and behavior of an adult, so the adult generation has to swallow tears of resentment and childish ingratitude.
Another cause of conflicts between parents and children is the dubious company of the latter. An adult and reasonable mother tries to protect her child at any age from the dangerous influence of dishonest people; but the child himself perceives such care as excessive intrusiveness and unnecessary care. In this case, it is almost impossible to avoid domestic conflicts, and loud conversations very soon turn into shouting using obscene language.
However, children are not always to blame for family misunderstandings between generations; the behavior of individual parents also leaves much to be desired. For example, some mothers exert increased pressure, trump their parental authority and do not accept other people's opinions. It is simply impossible to convince such despots of anything; all that remains is to swear or do everything out of spite. The stumbling block can be the bad habits of one of the generations, which is especially important in modern society.
It turns out that there really is a problem in the family, all that remains is to figure out how to solve it correctly, from which side to look for the right answer, and how soon relations between the two generations will normalize.
A resource for every mother
Now a few words about the resource - about the state in which we MUST always be. We owe it to ourselves, first of all. We cannot give value without fullness, without our own replenished energy. Everyone has their own ways of replenishing, for me these are my main three “s”: sleep, sports, sex. You can have white wine and laugh with friends. What if it’s not in the resource? What if he’s bursting with anger? Here, it seems to me, it is worth using the artillery of emergency measures. What helps me:
- Leave the room where the source of irritation is (read by child)
- Do push-ups until exhaustion. There is no strength left to yell!
- Do not shout and deliberately speak very quietly, everything that you want to shout.
Well, that's the main thing. If it happened and you screamed, don’t blame yourself, you are always, in any case, the best mother to your child.
Ways to solve the problem
If an adult child has no idea how not to yell at his mother, the first thing he should do is find the root cause of such internal conflict, external irritation and anger. As soon as the problem is solved on an emotional level, screaming and swearing will immediately fade into the background and will remain a thing of the distant past for the friendly family.
If a child understands the cause of the conflict, but it is impossible to remain silent and be smarter, it is necessary to look for other ways out of the current situation, and here are some eloquent examples for all times.
Example one. When a caring mother begins to tire you with her unnecessary conversations and excessive care, you need to immediately change the topic of conversation. You can choose anything, for example, discussing the news or her favorite television series. This option works great for women, since the fairer sex loves to talk at any age, especially on topics that are pleasant to them. In this way, conflict can be avoided, and instead of shouting and mutual insults, kind and joyful laughter will sound in the family.
Example two. If you want to find a way out, how not to shout at your mother, then another option is children's hugs. When conflict cannot be avoided, it is best to approach and hug the angry parent, whose first reaction will be confusion and touch. After this, no one in the household will want to scream in the family, and a major family scandal will be avoided in such an affectionate and relaxed way. This option may seem naive, but even professional psychologists claim that it really works in practice and has saved relationships in many problematic families.
Example three. Another option on how to avoid yelling at your mother is to simply leave home (short-term). This time is enough for each conflicting party to cool down somewhat, put their feelings and emotions in order, and take a sober look at the conflict situation. It is possible that the new meeting will seem more compromising, and that the previous grievances will not even leave an unpleasant aftertaste in the soul. In this case, the time-tested wisdom works: “The word is silver, silence is gold.” For those who do not believe in the effectiveness of this method, it’s time to test it in practice and put it into practice.
Example four. If an adult and independent child constantly yells at his parents, but then apologizes and asks for forgiveness every time, then you need to find another method of discipline for such inappropriate behavior in the family. You can agree that a raised voice in an apartment costs money, so you will have to pay in rubles for your swearing and, especially, insults. Someone will say that the proposed method is distinguished by its commercialism, but in fact in modern society such punishment for the guilty person is especially relevant and effective.
Example five. Every person should understand that yelling at mom is prohibited even when it is obvious that she is wrong in her reasoning and expressions. It’s also not worth teaching her about life, and there can be no talk of insults at all, but you can be offended. Perhaps this is how she will understand that she is wrong and will be the first to move closer to the offended child. If you swear and become in opposition with shouts and abuse, then this is another reason for her to be offended. Why give her a trump card when you can be upset yourself?
Example six. If the question of how not to yell takes on global implications, the book will always help. Yes, yes, today there is a huge amount of specialized literature that teaches the reader peace and mutual understanding in his family. There is not always enough time and money to go to paid consultations with a psychologist, but it is always possible to buy and read a book about the secrets of family relationships. This advice can also be used, especially since the wayward child will have time to rethink and understand his situation in the family. A good option is the printed publication “How to Improve Relationships with Parents,” which has made more than one generation think.
Example seven. If it is not possible to avoid conflicts by all known means, then separate housing becomes the best option. When a child manages the household independently, he begins to understand his parents in many ways, internal resentments and mental misunderstandings disappear. After just a few months, relations between generations become noticeably warmer, and parents and children become best friends in life. So, as a last resort, you can use this proven option, especially since children sooner or later must begin their independent and independent life.
All these methods have been tested for years, decades and really work in practice, allowing you to improve difficult relationships in the family. Children become more tolerant, and parents become more restrained and less authoritarian. This is a significant step towards mutual rapprochement, as well as an ideal option on how to become flexible, wise, kind and sociable in this difficult life.
Requests for help Write your story My name is Nastya, I am 12 years old, I live alone with my mother without a father, everything is bad at school, but the class teacher and the parent committee are the only saviors of my life. Mom yells at me every 10 minutes, yells so much that tears flow, and several times, due to mental disorders, I ran into my mother and began to beat her with anger. She yells at almost everything I do, not when it’s impossible to ask her for advice, she starts yelling that I’m interfering with her rest, I come home from school, yelling at me to hang up my things right away, an example from today: I came home from school, undressed, and went put pilaf on, in the end the pan flew off the stove, but I was holding the plate in my right hand and somehow managed to hold it with my left, of course there was a knock, my mother came running and started yelling obscenities. And she started saying that I had no brains, because I used a ladle to put the pilaf on, etc. In the end, you understood what happened, and for about 20 minutes she yelled at me. I understand that she hates me. I’m already nervous, I want to call the children’s service, where the children tell me how their parents beat me, etc. I don’t want to live with my mother anymore... Sometimes I want to commit suicide. I would like someone to help me with advice, because I don’t know what to do. PLEASE HELP URGENTLY. Support the site:
Nastya, age: 12/12/17/2014
Responses:
Nastya, I think that mom behaves this way not because she hates you, but because she is tired. It is difficult for a woman to earn a living alone. Times are difficult now, salaries are cheap, prices are high, and at work they usually demand a lot. Don't take what she says personally. Maybe her relationships with loved ones did not go well at one time, and she does not know how to behave differently... Are there adults with whom you would find it interesting and easy? Grandma, neighbor or someone else? Or maybe it won’t be a person, but an animal - a cat, a dog... Try to communicate with them more often and get at least some positive emotions. And mom, I think, over time will understand that you love her and how much you need her love.
Julia, age: 28 / 12/17/2014
Hi, Nastya! As I understand, you haven’t lived with your dad for a long time (I won’t go into details, since you’re already having a hard time). I had a similar situation as a child, so I understand your feelings perfectly. But look at the situation from the other side: your mother is alone, it’s very difficult for her now both physically and mentally, because she has a huge responsibility for YOUR future life. She vitally needs support, and who can really encourage you except the person closest to you? You. Let her yell at you and lash out, but remember one simple thing: deep down in her soul she will keep this action of yours, and over time she will regret every bad word she said to you. Your task is to understand and forgive her. You are a strong and smart girl, believe in yourself, and words just remain words. Just don't give up, please! Good luck to you!
Julia, age: 19/17/12/2014
Nastenka, no matter who you ask for help, 99% will only help you spiritually. In such a situation, you must take everything into your own hands; no one will help you on the Internet. How you place yourself in this life is how you will live it... Everything is in your hands, my daughter is 19 years old, and there were a lot of problems, but we solved them...) and you will decide)))
berlinmen, age: 38 / 12/17/2014
Hi, Nastya. I am the mother of a 12-year-old girl just like you. You know, I think your mother is also worried about your relationship. My daughter and I also experience overheating. Your mother, most likely, has to try quite hard, work to keep her life afloat, but no one appreciates her efforts, does not notice, everything seems to be as it should be. This is where the nerves probably give in. I’m not making excuses for her, but I advise you to just see MOM behind the screaming aunt. Try to take the first step towards improving your relationship. Sometimes it’s enough just to smile, answer a question in a friendly manner, and, ultimately, wash the floor without asking, just like that. The problem can only be solved with love. You are a very smart girl - this can be seen from your lines. Relationships between mothers and girls your age are not uncommon. Usually by the age of 16-18 everything gets better. Perceive the situation as a difficult period, nothing more.
Julia, age: 35 / 12/17/2014
Nastya, haven’t you tried to talk to your mother and tell her what you feel and experience when she yells at you. Maybe she is also going through some difficult period in her life, most likely she loves you, but something is wrong in her life and she gets irritated and pours everything out on you. Tell her that you love her very much and that she is the best mother for you, but her words hurt very much and you even thought about suicide, say that you need her support most of all.
Nata16, age: 43 / 12/17/2014
Nastya... it’s a difficult situation for you when a loved one does not support you, but on the contrary scolds you and calls you names. You don’t choose your mother, and you can’t change her. Maybe sometimes it’s worth spending the night with your friends, where they won’t yell at you, taking a break from her, visiting your father. Spend time with friends. And when communicating with your mother, try not to irritate her, not to cling to her. But if it does happen, try not to listen to her swearing and scolding. Foul language is also a sin, it’s better at these moments to think about something good, like watching an interesting movie or about a trip, you can just look at the interesting object around you. Imagine who made it, how they made it, a beautiful object and something you could change. If you learn to shift your focus to distant objects, then it will be easier to perceive this abuse. Hold on, Nastya. You definitely have brains. You can figure out how to endure such difficulties in life. Friends to help you!
Alexey, age: 33 / 12/17/2014
Nastya, my mother is most likely not yelling because she has a good life. Maybe she was yelled at as a child, and she simply didn’t know any other way? It is difficult, of course, to live in such an environment. But don’t think that your mother will be deprived of parental rights and you will be moved to an orphanage, it will be better for you. Maybe choose a moment when she is in a good mood and try to have a heart-to-heart talk with her? Explain how you feel, what thoughts come to you after all this? Look, maybe she’s very tired, what’s going on in her life? Maybe she gets tired at work, maybe someone constantly offends her? Is no one helping at home? Look, if you somehow make her life easier, offer help, do something without reminders, maybe she will respond better?
Olya, age: 42 / 12/18/2014
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Advice for parents and children
Children and parents can conflict for years, but there is definitely no benefit from mutual reproaches and insults. Only years pass, and a positive example for future generations is completely absent. It is best to avoid such mistakes, otherwise later it will be painful and insulting for the priceless years spent.
Children should always respect their parents for the gift of life, and a strict mother, in turn, should be the standard of flexibility and understanding in her family. Only in this way will her grandchildren be drawn to her in the future, and conflicts and misunderstandings will be left far behind in her reckless youth.
So you will still have to come to mutual understanding, so you should not waste time on scandals, insults, reproaches and swearing with obscene language.
If demanding parents and overly independent children cannot achieve peaceful coexistence on the same territory, you can contact a family psychologist, who will first determine the cause of the conflicts, and then tell you how to quickly and effectively solve it in real life. There is nothing left to do but entrust your family relationships to a professional who has seen many such cases in his practice.
Why does a mother yell at her child?
Here we need to understand. I'll try to show you with my own example. It really infuriates me that lately my daughter has been constantly stumbling literally out of the blue. And, it would seem, what’s wrong? But I began to scream, despite being in a good mood, every time she fell flat on the asphalt. I excluded all possible physical factors that could lead to this: possible visual impairment, incorrectly selected shoes, too sharp a growth spurt. I realized that my reaction had nothing to do with fear for the child, because everything was fine with her. So, it’s definitely a matter of my personal “cockroaches”. This was confirmed by a wise person close to me, who advised me to think about why the child’s falls became a trigger for me, what trigger was set? I began to watch my daughter more: how she moved, how she acted. And suddenly I clearly realized that I see myself in her dynamics and “haste” - and I don’t allow myself to fall! Then I went into the study of “why am I afraid to fall, make mistakes,” and answered these questions for myself. And a wonderful miracle - I stopped screaming at the baby.
As soon as we transfer the category of sensations and the unconscious into the conscious, we honestly conduct a dialogue with ourselves, the problem is solved forever. But this method is not very fast and requires your own resources, perhaps even the help of a specialist who will help you see your “pain areas”. But we are ready to do anything for the well-being of children, right?
