From time to time, all parents lash out at their children; even psychologists do not always manage to control themselves. But there are methods that allow you to get rid of the habit of responding to children's tantrums with a scream. Olga Novash, psychologist, mother and founder of the School of Parenting Excellence, shared her personal experience in this matter.
Photo source: Personal archive
“In fact, I realized the fact that I stopped yelling at my children quite recently, when my youngest daughter Masha, in her final attempt to emotionally shake me, blurted out: “Why are you talking to me so calmly, ahh?!”
I really thought: “Strange... Why am I doing this?!” After all, she’s been hysterical for more than 10 minutes, and I’m still, while remaining in my right mind and with full memory, looking for ways to alleviate her condition, and not dump my emotional charge on her.”
And I started wondering when it started. I remembered myself a little over a year ago.
September. Masha just started first grade, but her kindergarten euphoria “I want to go to school!” has already crashed into reality and turned into the morning “I won’t go!” And this is “I won’t go!” could turn on at any moment: during the rise or when we had already left the house.
My job. It didn’t work out back in June, so my mood was very similar to my daughter’s “I won’t go” mood: I forcefully dragged myself out of bed every morning.
Pass mode. “You didn’t collect your fingerprints until 8.30” - you spend the rest of the time waiting for the premium to be reduced until the end of the month.
Ring road. With its speed limit and the risk of getting stuck in traffic at the most inopportune moment.
All this left an emotional imprint on my state. I went to bed in the evening with the thought “How can I survive tomorrow morning?!”
I swore, ran, rushed along the roundabout and was still late, until one day, already sitting calmly at my desk, I thought that in an attempt to remain right and save my parental face in front of this hysterical child, I was throwing even more firewood at her emotional bonfire.
And I told myself:
- Olya, yes, you are also a person. Yes, your situations may be different. Yes, you can experience different emotions and you have every right to them, but next time keep calm for at least two minutes. Only for two minutes! It's so little, but it can give so much.
I yell at the child, I can’t help it, why?
The fact that you admit that yelling at a child is bad is a big deal! This means, as a mother, you realize that the baby should not be subjected to such active psychological violence as screaming.
After all, sharp loud intonations are nothing more than a pathological effect that causes inhibition of the child’s psychosexual development. Receiving such a sharp aggressive reaction from the mother, the baby, first of all, loses the basic feeling of safety and security, which is the basis for the successful development of the baby.
Now let's talk specifically about why you have to yell at a child and what to do to avoid yelling.
How to avoid yelling at your child because of your own problems?
As you know, when a person feels good at heart, he is realized - he rarely breaks down and becomes aggressive. This is especially true for a woman - a mother who experiences the joy of motherhood. A happy mother, with rare exceptions, would never even think of yelling at her child.
It’s a completely different matter if the mother herself is deprived of a sense of safety and security, is constantly nervous, tired, and does not get enough sleep. Preoccupied with thoughts about how to feed and raise a child. Then the joy of motherhood turns into a real test.
Stress makes you want to scream
Depending on the vectorial characteristics that a woman has, stress can be different for various reasons. But it is stress and frustration that can significantly increase internal tension and worsen the condition.
For example, a mother with an anal vector will strive to do everything correctly, as expected, maintaining cleanliness and hygiene. If she has to be in conditions where she cannot ensure cleanliness and order, and cannot do everything according to the rules, she will express dissatisfaction by screaming. A detailed analysis of why the best and most caring mothers by nature begin to be sadistic verbally and physically can be read here.
The worst thing is that later such a “correct” mother will feel guilty for yelling at the child and will wonder: how not to yell at the child? What should I do if I yell?
Another “noisy” mother is the owner of the skin vector. Being stressed, she begins to yell at the child in a broken falsetto. Mostly her cry concerns prohibitions. No and you can't! Don't climb, don't touch, don't take! - the main points that the baby hears. If we talk about a child, then such a cry is most harmful for a baby with a sound vector; from such an effect on the eardrum, autistic disorders or psychopathologies can develop.
Other mothers ask how not to yell at a child if he constantly climbs somewhere, touches something, doesn’t want to eat or doesn’t want to sleep? After all, you want to be the best mother, for whom everything is perfect. Such women most often have an anal-optic ligament. The visual vector adds to their emotionality, lack of restraint; under stress they are especially impressionable, anxious, and sometimes hysterical. An anal-visual mother is capable of yelling at her child if she is under severe stress or lacks the realization of her properties.
For the owner of the sound vector, the constant cry of the baby and chronic lack of sleep becomes simply a “waking nightmare.” Many of these mothers say that I yell at my child to relieve tension, which becomes simply unbearable.
Doctor Komarovsky explained why you should not yell at children
Every child, with his behavior, makes his parents irritated, and sometimes even enrages them. Then we try to calm the children with our cry. But this is a bad way. The famous Ukrainian pediatrician Evgeniy Komarovsky explained why you should not yell at small children and what the consequences may be in the future.
On his Facebook page, the doctor clearly showed in an infographic what will happen to a child who constantly hears his parents screaming at him.
What is the danger of such manifestations of emotions?
The first thing the doctor pays attention to is that screaming kills the child’s self-confidence. If you compare with others often, children will eventually feel unimportant.
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The doctor calls aggression an equally serious problem due to screaming. If 4-5 year old children live in an atmosphere of scandals, then over time they will become nervous and begin to show aggression towards their peers.
In addition, constant screaming causes fear and problems with concentration. Frightened children often cannot solve their problems and conflict situations on their own.
Emotional abuse also leads to learning problems and such children are unable to concentrate.
How to control your anger
Komarovsky gave some advice on how to force yourself to control yourself and be objective towards children.
Think about how much you yell at your child and how much you praise. Think about the psyche of children and the consequences of their actions that may manifest themselves in the future.
You are an example for a child who, in adulthood, takes an example from the family model. What model of relationships are you showing to your descendants?
Family relationships can often lead to the release of emotions. Therefore, try to avoid stressful situations, and at least do not pour out your pain on your child.
If you once again could not resist and shouted, the first thing to do is ask for forgiveness.
Show your child that you love and appreciate him. Children need to know that it is okay to make mistakes. After all, they learn from mistakes.
Always try to encourage your child to do things on their own. And no matter how he does it, show that your child is your pride.
Dr. Komarovsky explained how to respond to a child's tantrum
As the Znayu portal previously reported, Evgeniy Komarovsky gave some tips on how to protect yourself and your child from viruses.
Yelling at the child and making excuses for myself
Scrolling through the pages of search engines, you can see many requests for help. They all have approximately the same content:
“I’m yelling at the child like crazy, my nerves are getting worse.” I’m very ashamed, but I constantly yell at my eldest child, but I don’t know what to do. Should I see a psychologist? I’m even more ashamed that I know the reasons for my behavior. I’m a psychologist myself, but I still break down and constantly yell at the child.
Or
“I’m a bad mother, I always yell at my child, I can even hit him.” I can't control myself. I'm very tired. I want to be a good mother, but I can’t. I constantly yell at my child and then ask for forgiveness. How to stop? How to learn to restrain yourself?
Or
— My son is one year old. He doesn’t listen, just a scream and a scream. He climbs and sticks his nose everywhere. How can I not yell at a child if I don’t have a moment of peace and he’s having fun? Exhausts all the nerves. I have no strength to endure, and I break down. I yell at the child with obscenities. I don’t see a solution other than to go to work and leave him with a nanny.
Moms write entire posts on forums and look for support, help, and try to justify their behavior. Many people understand that you can’t shout. But how to stop yelling at a child so that spending time with your daughter or son brings pleasure remains a mystery.
There is a lot of advice: read good books on parenting, be patient, learn to restrain yourself, try to control outbursts of anger.
How to find an effective method to stop harming the child by screaming and the mother to feel the joy of life?
How not to yell at your child and get joy and energy for life
In this matter, a new scientific method has proven itself well, which changes life for the better. Raising children in our time according to the principles of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan means finding the right approach to the child and learning to enjoy communicating with him year after year. During the training, the reasons for children’s behavior and their mental characteristics are revealed to us. We begin to interact with them correctly. They stop irritating us, enraging us, getting on our nerves.
How can you understand that this technique works? There is only one criterion: repeatable results. Check out the results page here.
Yelling at a child - why you shouldn’t yell at children
If we are looking for a way to stop yelling at a child, without knowing the true reason for our screaming and anger, then it seems to us that the child’s behavior is the cause. We see only the consequence. We justify our next outburst of anger and negativity directed at the baby by our fatigue, some kind of stress, the child’s bad behavior, and his disobedience. “Got it!” I can’t stand it!” - and we start screaming.
Please note the following:
Our screaming at a child is just a demonstration of our bad states, a manifestation of general dissatisfaction with life. We yell at the child because, first of all, we ourselves feel bad. We shout about our inner state. We feel pain because we don’t get what we want, for example:
“We want to be in silence, concentrate and finish the job we started.” The child interferes with this and does not understand our desires, even when we ask him not to distract him.
- We want cleanliness and order. We are annoyed by a child who scatters his things, toys and does not put everything in its place. Even drawing in the wrong place causes anger. We yell at the child, and then we feel guilty and ask for forgiveness ourselves.
“We want the child to do what we need right away.” We demand unquestioning implementation and adherence to the rules. Experiencing stress, yelling at the child in a broken falsetto, we often introduce restrictions and prohibitions with the words no, no, no, no, no reason. “Don’t take it, don’t meddle, don’t touch!”
A parent always knows what is best for his child. What and how he should do. But we often forget that a child is a different person, even if he is still very small. He needs us to protect and keep him alive in his early years. This is undeniable. Give him a feeling of support, security and safety and teach him basic things.
But! You always need to keep in mind that this is a separate person. He has his own desires, abilities, his own skills and his own path in life. Only by realizing his skills and abilities will he be successful and happy in life.
An adult's screaming has a negative impact on a child's development. This traumatizes his psyche. A cry leaves a particularly deep imprint in children who are sensitive to sounds. This trauma is fraught with the development of depression, autism and schizophrenia.
You can stop screaming when you understand the reasons for this phenomenon.
System-vector psychology training changes your life, allows you to work through these negative states and get your result - stop yelling at your child. This is an accessible tool that changes the way children are treated. Helps you become more sensitive, gentle and affectionate parents.
