We have already talked about the skill development method developed by Finnish psychiatrist Ben Furman. It consists of determining what skill or ability the child lacks in order to solve some behavior problems. Today we’ll see how this method works when children show aggression. Is it possible to teach a child to do without fighting and how to do it?
Why is your child fighting?
At a young age, the child does not yet understand the seriousness of the fight. He doesn't realize that someone can be hurt. First, the child tries to hit someone to see the reaction, conducting a so-called experiment. If the response is judgment, the child will not continue fighting because he will understand that his behavior is unacceptable. But if the mother laughs, if the child hits someone, and the father encourages the baby, and the children in the yard respond to blows with blows, the child is lost and cannot understand what reaction to follow. As a result, the child continues his experiments.
Growing up, the child begins to go to school , where he is surrounded by a new group. And this environment is tougher than in kindergarten. Here every kid tries to gain leadership. At this age, kids are angry. If someone notices that your child is easily drawn into a fight, they will provoke him into it for various reasons. For example, to lie to a teacher or parents, so that they sympathize and give them a good grade, or treat them with sweets.
However, there may be another option: classmates simply do not want to accept your child into their team . And he, in turn, in order to somehow interest them, begins to call them names and pester them. Many teachers do not understand the reasons and do not specify the details, which is why the culprit is the one who violates school discipline. Even if the instigator is a completely different child.
Because of this, the baby develops psychological problems, which in the future will affect various areas of life. Parents must do everything to prevent aggressive behavior from developing into the child’s normal behavior.
what to do if a child fights at school
There was such a case in my school. When I was in the 4th or 5th grade, I don’t remember exactly, the school was terrorized by one little prick. Yes, no one could call him anything else. He was the younger brother of an eleventh-grader, who, in turn, was a pussy himself, but of great age. In reality, two freaks were born in the same family. Knowing that when it comes to minors, the eldest will always indiscriminately give shit to everyone, the youngest took advantage of this right and left. (I was reminded of a wonderful, simply mirror model of this behavior in my Olya’s dogs. She had two dogs in her childhood. Kesha the Rottweiler and the dachshund Forgot_the name. So Kesha was always responsible in all respects for the dachshund. Sometimes they walk side by side. A dog meets them, which, well, doesn’t bother anyone at all. The only fault it turned out to be was that it stupidly ended up in the way of the dachshund. So this dachshund, passing by the dog, bites that innocent dog with all its strength. A little bit on the ass. It’s ah..e. It attacked at the dachshund, which, with its usual gesture, hides behind the Rottweiler and begins to watch melancholy as Kesha fights with that same dog, which has already been in ah..e twice, because she planned the fight with the dachshund, and the fight suddenly involves being with such a not frail Rottweiler. And this was not an isolated case. The dachshund went crazy. Kesha indiscriminately fought with everyone she pointed at. ) and here at school there was exactly the same case. I can’t imagine how so much shit fit into one little cunt. He lifted from small to large. Yes. And old teachers too. They didn’t complain to the head teacher for some reason. I didn’t understand then and I don’t understand now. Maybe in my old age I’ll understand. They just looked at him fearfully and, apparently remembering their older brother, simply let him do whatever he wanted. By the way, their names were Alexey (small) and Andrey (senior). I don’t know where it came from, but I still have this trick - I can’t tell these two names apart. They are identical to me. I swear. I don’t know how to explain, but the names Alexey and Andrey sound the same to me. I always get these names confused. Always and forever:((I have them all, usually Andryukha. Indiscriminately. Fortunately, I almost don’t have Lesh. I got distracted again. So everyone moans about Alyosha. Children are afraid, adults avoid. Madhouse. I honestly don’t remember exactly mine conflict with him. Maybe there was. In general, you understand how everyone hated him. And then one day, on the stairs during recess, the much-awaited well-deserved punishment of God came down on little Alyosha. He fucked up. That’s exactly how he fell head over heels from the stairs. And right to me under his feet. And Lesha, despite the fact that he is shit, is still a child. Quite expectedly, he began to cry. It was both painful and offensive. If it were during a lesson, he could cry there and lie down, wait until it’s over. Fortunately, no one doesn't see. But how can it be here? A lot of people, dozens of pairs of eyes watched the fall with undisguised pleasure. You have to get up and pretend that everything is okay. Remember what the boys did in childhood? Pissed off in front of friends. You have to overcome the pain quickly stand up, also with laughter, pretend that it doesn’t hurt, join in the laughing of your friends and, trying not to hobble too much, go anywhere under a good pretext (usually in any situation it’s a toilet) and then die from the pain to the fullest. Cry, moan, rub your ass or set a dislocation. But not in front of the guys. Yes! Boy's code. Crap. I got distracted again. And so he lies there, all fallen, and he can’t get up, and it’s clear that he landed like that. There are no adults in sight, only one barely hiding the joy of seeing the little ones. Everyone runs past. No one thought to come over. Nobody gives a shit. I thought I did too. I first passed by (apparently I had a conflict too), went down one flight of stairs, all in my thoughts, and then suddenly turned around, and arguing with myself until the last moment, I approached the fallen Lesha. He picked him up, shook him off, and helped him get to the school emergency room. I wouldn't be me if I did it silently. I taught him along the way. I told him like an old man that you see how your behavior backfired on you? How everyone gave a fuck about your fall. I asked the crying guy why he was picking on everyone... In general, Alyosha came to the doctor with the strong confidence that he was shit and was punished quite worthy (so it seemed to me). Having handed him over to the doctor, I returned to my business with a sense of accomplishment. I seemed to myself like Hercules, who freed the school from an evil enemy, I even mentally imagined how the school would be renamed from faceless 383 to the school named after Nikolai Yangaev. Ambition. Karoch. Several days pass, and then the elder Andrey catches me in the toilet area. More precisely, I walk into the corridor, and Lesha shouts to his brother, something like “...here he is!” I immediately understand what’s going on, now gratitude, honor and respect will begin. I begin to look through the eyes of witnesses, so that everyone would see everything and pass it on to everyone, I understand that my life is now also under protection and... In general, I approach with the lazy gait of a winner. And then the freaking guy grabs me by the breasts. And the interrogation begins. What did I tell the younger one there? Who doesn't love him? Who was laughing at him? And this little shit is still putting the nail in my coffin, suggesting that it was I who pushed him down the stairs. Yeah. He rolled under my feet, and I pushed him as hard as I could,” I’m trying to prove to my brother, who was going berserk in front of my eyes. I start looking around again, but now with a prayer that no one sees this. And realizing that I have nothing to lose, I begin to tell the elder about the little one and how I see the whole situation. Expecting at any moment that they will pounce on me now. But Ostap suffered. I said everything. In response, they shook me by the chest as a precaution, said something like “we’re not finished yet” and let me go. Neither he nor he pestered me anymore. Moreover, the small ones could no longer be heard at all. Maybe the eldest graduated from school, or maybe something else, but in general everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Just like that, for some reason I remembered it.
How to help your baby?
If your baby often gets into fights at school and in the yard, moms and dads will learn about this from other parents, neighbors and teachers. Fights are hidden from parents, so it is almost impossible to understand who is to blame.
Fights are different from each other. It’s one thing if your child is the culprit of this (calls names, pesters peers), and quite another when your child defends himself and his things that other children are encroaching on. Parents must teach their little one to defend their interests. But at the same time, it is important that the child understands that fighting can only be resorted to as a last resort; it must be avoided by all possible means. The problem can be solved by ordinary conversation.
Aggression: one name, different reasons
Many children sometimes behave cruelly towards their peers or even their own parents. When such a child gets angry, he is ready to bite, hit and kick anyone who gets in his way. When a child behaves aggressively, it is not always possible to immediately understand what skill he needs. Some might say that all aggressive children lack self-control or the ability to manage their anger, but according to the skills approach, such skills are too large or complex and need to be broken down into their components for children to successfully master them.
Matt, Ashley and Helen had the same problem: they were all aggressive towards others. At first glance, their problems did look similar, but upon closer inspection, it became clear that each of these children was lacking in some skill.
Matt's cruelty manifested itself in situations where other children were around him - if they entered his territory, so to speak. To overcome his aggressiveness, Matt needed to learn to be calm about the presence of other children nearby.
For Ashley, aggression arose when he felt that someone was teasing or irritating him. To cope with this problem, he needed to learn to tell the teacher in such cases instead of immediately getting into a fight.
Helen couldn't stand it if she didn't get something she really wanted. In such cases, she began to scratch or kick the one who refused her something. In order to cope with her cruelty, Helen needed to learn how to constructively tolerate disappointment and situations when things do not work out the way she wanted.
So, by analyzing situations in which aggressiveness manifests itself, it is quite possible to determine what specific skill the child needs. When you understand exactly what skill he is missing, it is much easier for you to help him overcome the problem.
You could even say that there are no cruel children, only children who are prone to violent behavior in certain situations because they lack some specific skill to behave more constructively.
Children often use physical force to try to resolve disputes. Many psychologists and teachers consider children's fights as a way of emotional release, as a natural phenomenon, and do not see anything dangerous in them. However, this is not quite true. At primary school age, the child’s personality is formed. The qualities, both positive and negative, that emerged during this period will develop in subsequent years. In a fight, one girl acts as the winner, the other ends up as the loser. If the defeated side experiences humiliation, fear or resentment, then the winning side experiences a feeling of satisfaction from defeating the opponent. In both cases, consolidation of such personal qualities is undesirable.
If physical force was used to protect a weaker person or for self-defense, such a resolution of the conflict evokes positive emotions from the consciousness of an honestly performed duty, and, to a certain extent, such clashes between girls are even useful.
As a rule, at a younger age, children quickly recover from physical and psychological injuries, since the emotional states that accompany fights are superficial and unstable. You can often see how, after an hour, fighters communicate peacefully and even friendly with each other. Physical violence in girls can be limited to a simple blow with a hand, a kick or, say, a book. There are many sources from which children draw “ideas”: the incorrect behavior of parents who allow physical assault towards each other; example of high school students; action films and thrillers. Why girls fight at school In middle school, girls fight to express feelings of anger caused by an imaginary or real insult. A kind of self-defense. But more often, to gain leadership through force. The reason may be inflated self-esteem (according to the principle “I can do anything”), and a sense of possessiveness (“this is my boy!”). The basis of fights between the fair half of humanity in most cases is envy. First, the rival gets a new doll; after a few years, the epicenter of the conflict shifts to clothes and a young man. Another stumbling block is TV and computer games. Yes, children absorb 95% of what the media presents to them. According to research, every child under 14 years of age sees more than 5,000 scenes of violence on television. His sensitivity threshold decreases, and he stops reacting to other people's pain. Add to this many hours of sitting at the computer, when the child plays “shooting games”, where he not only sinks ships, but also kills people. Violence in his mind becomes the norm. What to do? We will not throw away televisions and computers; we will not completely protect them from information. Fortunately, parents have a way to change the picture of the world in the child’s mind. To do this, you need to sit next to him and watch TV together. There is at least a grain of good in every show. This is what the parent should pay attention to. Unobtrusive, without morals. The world itself is neutral. It is people who make it aggressive or beautiful (by their actions and words). But the child does not analyze what he is watching. If he appreciates the beauty and power of good, then fights, wars and murders will simply become background. Measures and methods Oddly enough, aggression is necessary for any person, especially a small one. Children do not yet know how to fully manage their emotions. Anger cannot be completely extinguished. Otherwise, children will not be able to stand up for themselves, because aggression also serves a protective function. The problem is created by an excess of evil energy. Teach your daughter to let off steam in a different, absolutely safe way. There are many options here: tearing or crumpling a piece of paper, beating a pillow, kneading dough, screaming loudly while wrapping your head in a blanket. In general, what is enough imagination? And most importantly, talk to your child. Ask about the reasons that pushed her to take this step. Tell us about your feelings, remember your quarrels with classmates. Just let this conversation become confidential, without lectures, reproaches and an orderly tone. The girl is feeling bad and needs your support. Show her that you love her in any way, even when she's a bully. Gently and unobtrusively offer to come up with a solution to the problem. If she really is a victim, help her overcome her fears and believe in herself. Protect her from the violence of others. Who if not you? Tips for parents 1. There are many ways to get away from aggression. One of them is to turn everything into a joke. They attack you, but you agree with everything. Yes, I am like this! Right! After all, the attacker is waiting for a response. If it is not there, aggressive attempts will become boring and will soon be forgotten. 2. Maintain a trusting relationship with your child through daily conversations before bedtime. Sit on his bed in the evening. Stroke him, caress him like a little one. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell us about your problems, for example, with your boss. Let the child also advise something and regret it. So he will begin to understand that life does not always present only pleasant surprises. Sometimes it is necessary to both defend and fight. 3. To change the negative picture of the world in your child’s mind, watch TV together. And, seeing at least a grain of good, pay attention to it, without moralizing it. Yes, the wolf ate Little Red Riding Hood. But good hunters helped her. She also loves her grandmother and takes care of her. 4. At every opportunity, tell your child that no one has the right to harm him. Confidence in this is often enough to prevent him from becoming an object of aggression. 5. Be careful. Try to catch any changes in the child's behavior. No bumps and bruises? Wonderful, but this does not mean that he is not offended. It’s much worse when they humiliate you not physically, but morally. For a fragile child’s psyche, this is a significant blow.
Source
If a first grader has not learned the rules
A new student knows the basic norms of behavior in society, but it suddenly turns out that he has not learned everything. This “ignorance” is more often demonstrated by boys who childishly believe that aggression is a sign of masculinity. Fill this gap by explaining that you cannot use force on others, thereby imposing your authority. Tell them that a fight has never been a solution to a conflict, that you need to respect others, protecting yourself as well. Offer an alternative solution without fists.
Causes of childhood aggression
At a young age, the cause of child aggression is most often the child’s desire to understand the world and find out the reaction of others to his behavior. Therefore, if he sees a condemning reaction from parents and witnesses to the fight, he quickly realizes that he is behaving incorrectly. But an ambiguous reaction (for example, parents are touched, relatives of the offended child are indignant, and the enemy fights back) makes the child feel confused and carry out his experiment again and again.
However, if a child’s curiosity can be attributed to healthy aggression, which can be easily corrected, then an unfavorable emotional situation in the family can become the cause of real aggressiveness, which is essentially a psychological disease. The cause of such aggression may be excessive care, inattention or indifference on the part of parents, which are a consequence of:
- “unwantedness” of the child - children very subtly feel the attitude of their parents towards themselves, and even the most inconspicuous gesture or intonation, indicating that the child was born by accident, forces the baby in any way (including aggressive behavior ) to prove that he has the right to exist.
- hostility - quite often parents “shift” the blame for their own failures in life onto the child (for example, if because of a child they have to leave their favorite job or one of the spouses leaves the family), as a result of which the child comes to the idea that the world around him aggressive and hostile, which means you need to defend yourself.
- lack of emotional connection in the family - when parents often quarrel with each other in front of the child, his life resembles existence on a dormant volcano, which can begin to erupt literally at any minute, and this “switches on” a defense mechanism in the baby, manifested in aggression.
- excessive control - immense guardianship and the desire to manage the child’s life in everything leads to the fact that the child has to constantly suppress anger and irritation, which accumulate and at some point spill out in an uncontrollable attack of aggression.
In addition, experts note a number of “personal” reasons for a child’s aggression , which arise as a result of:
- subconscious experiences - as a rule, are transmitted to the child from a pregnant mother who was overly worried about the safety of the baby, even during the period of intrauterine development (in other words, the child is born without confidence in his own safety).
- personal experience - typical for dysfunctional families, where in front of the child one of the parents behaves very aggressively both towards the child himself and towards others.
- low self-esteem - the child is dissatisfied with himself (usually as a result of the lack of love, attention and encouragement from his parents), and tries to “elevate” himself in his own eyes through an aggressive attitude towards the whole world.
If a child is made a scapegoat
Let's consider several typical situations when your child is to some extent different from everyone else, because: he studies better than everyone else; shortest/tallest; too full; engages in a sport/art that is atypical for his gender, etc. Each of these characteristics can easily become a stigma that will turn a student into a trash - it was, is and, unfortunately, always will be. That is why a child chooses a fight as the only way to protect himself from ridicule.
School fights, as experience has shown, occur because teachers do not react to violations of social norms in the student body. Their comments are formal in nature, but they themselves think that they will figure it out themselves, let them learn to resolve conflicts. If fights occur in kindergarten because of the child’s “peculiarities,” you should have an agreement with the nanny so that she herself does not focus on these same “peculiarities.” It is your right to insist that the teacher monitor the psychological health of all children.
How else can we help? Yes, at least teach self-control techniques. For example: take a deep breath, mentally count to 5, exhale; focus on some detail: a sound or letter, repeating it several times to yourself; with your eyes closed, think about something good: an event, place or person.
These techniques will be useful not only for children, but also for adults, who also sometimes “let their anger out for a walk.” The task of a parent is not to set a bad example, to educate not only their children, but also themselves first and foremost.
