Do you think being vulnerable in front of your child is abnormal? Not true! Just be mindful of the frequency and intensity of such impulses. When parents feel upset or are about to cry, they may be tempted to suppress those emotions or hide the tears from their children. It's natural to want to shield your children from life's unpleasant moments, but crying in front of your children actually benefits your relationship.
Our emotions
Last year, Australian blogger Constance Hall wrote a viral Facebook post about how her children saw her crying. “I watched a terribly sad documentary with my kids over the weekend and as both my daughter and I started to cry, my son hugged us both, patting and rubbing our backs,” she wrote.
“I realized that my children are completely okay with human emotions, they don’t worry about seeing their mother cry, they care and understand that this is life,” she added. - It’s very nice for a child to know that his “rock” can break, but this does not mean that he is not safe. And if we can’t protect for each other, why are we even here?”
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HuffPost spoke with several experts about why it can be good for children to see their parents cry sometimes. And how best to deal with these situations when they arise.
What to say to parents who have lost a child? The priest's answer
Priest Sergius KRUGLOV,
a cleric of the Holy Savior Cathedral in the city of Minusinsk (Krasnoyarsk Territory) comments on
Vera’s letter
“INHALE WITH HOPE TO EXHALE”
:
Why do children die? How difficult it is to answer such a question through a magazine. Any priest will confirm that you need to see a person’s eyes, hear his voice, take his hands in yours, and, even if you don’t have the strength to do so, console, as Christ commanded... Remember the words of Father Alexy Mechev: “Comfort, comfort the people of God!.. “But, in all honesty, do any of us need anything else?
Everything I will say next is not even a consolation, but a reflection. It’s bitter because I, like every priest, had to bury children more than once. (In small Minusinsk, where there are just over 80,000 inhabitants, there are about one and a half thousand funerals a year. And few old people die, more and more mature and young people die... And, alas, a lot of children.) You stand in the cemetery, shivering from the piercing wind, you look out: where is it, the funeral procession, where is the hearse? But there is no hearse: a modest “six” drives up, and under their arm they carry a small box, no more than what is used for tomato seedlings... And now - the funeral service. And the hopeful words from the Funeral Ceremony for infants are not particularly pleasing and encouraging, and the smoke from the censer, no matter how good the incense is, is bitter and unbearable...
My thoughts are bitter and disturbing. Alarming, because I also have three children. The eldest is quite an adult, the others are still junior high school students. Honestly, if I lost one of them, I don’t know how I could bear it. I can’t vouch for anything, really.
But if I don’t vouch for myself, how can I live?! Rely on what, on whom?!
A baby who is not even a year old... A paper whisk is too heavy for a small forehead?.. And how to answer the silent question of the parents: “Why?!” A young father and mother, good, kind Christians, who have been asking God for several years to give them, childless, a child. And so…
Girl. About three years. Cirrhosis of the liver. Well, from where?! Mom realized it, I baptized her at home, on Christmas Day. I remember that social service employees were with me and brought Christmas gifts, but the girl, bloated from dropsy, unable to even moan, let alone cry, hardly even glanced at the bright toys, chocolates and tangerines. And two days later she was already buried.
Male - 17 years old, sarcoma. It burned down quickly, the family didn’t even have time to understand what was happening...
The girl, her mother’s only, beloved daughter, went to study in a big city... They killed her there. And mother withdrew into herself, petrified in her inescapable grief. Mom goes to church, confesses, even takes communion, and has completely fallen out of everyday life. Having built a mausoleum on her daughter’s grave, she spends all her days there, abandoning work and everyday activities, all in the service of her deceased daughter... She feeds the squirrels on her grave, and these well-fed, fattened squirrels jump...
Preschool boy. He burned down in the house due to his mother’s negligence... She was at the funeral, but could not get out of the car. And I couldn’t get close, such black waves of grief were bursting from there. Blessed from afar...
There is no grief on earth worse than the grief of a mother who has lost a child: Rachel cries for her children and does not want to be consoled for her children, for they are not there.
(Jer.
31
:15).
What if this happened? What should a priest do when his mother came to her with this grief and with terrible, desperate questions that have no answer? (And what work it sometimes takes for her to come to church like that!..)
The very last thing is to prove something to a suffering mother. And hope that her wounded heart will listen to logic... “No, it’s not good that he died!” - the mother’s heart will scream - and it will be right. Because - above all the reasons of this world - God Himself put a living feeling of motherhood in her heart. Every mother (I’m not talking about extreme cases, about pathologies, when the mother is indifferent to the fate of the child or kills him by having an abortion (let someone say that nowadays there are countless such cases in society, but still they are a terrible exception...)) , wishes happiness, joy, health, and most importantly - life to his child.
But we must not forget about Christ for a minute; we need to remember that He, having gone to death wisely and like a child, was resurrected.
Couldn't die.
And he won’t give it to us if we are with Him...
The mother wishes for the child, consciously or latently, that same eternal life that Christ gave us by resurrection, which we, the poor children of the Church, should, according to the Creed, “hope for,” but the memory of it, eternal life, sometimes barely glimmers in our fattened heart, full of aspirations for something completely different, about the momentary...
Therefore, what should you say to a mother who has lost a child? Yes, to tell the truth: he did not cease to exist, and is now one step closer to eternal life than you yourself. It’s hardly necessary to say that “he’s feeling good now.” How can a mother agree that her child is doing well without her? If you love your child, you will still be with him, because “love is not an emotion, love is a connection between objects.” Separation is hard, but it is not eternal...
“Be with him” by putting a noose around your neck? - don't even think about it. In this case, you definitely won’t be with him. And you won’t console your pain, you’ll only make it worse.
But if you want to be with your child, and he is with God, then you cannot escape God. Use your life not only to grieve over the loss, but also to change yourself, enter this eternal life and also be with God. Only near Him will you meet your lost child.
Death is not death. This is another birth. It also seems to the child, while he is swimming in his mother’s womb for nine months, that this is his whole world, that there is no other... And suddenly, a terrible test comes: they begin to tear, pull, and deprive him of his usual habitat... “Well, that’s it, it’s over! » - the child thinks, and lo and behold, he enters a new world.
New? How different is our world in relation to the womb of a pregnant woman?.. Different, but the same. That’s how “the other world” is the same, although different...
Mom will exclaim: “How can you prove it?!”
Here, I really don’t know what to say... How can I prove it?! I really don't know. I can only say one thing: “Well, what should we do with you, my dear ones?! Well?! Well, let’s be patient, let’s take God at his word!.. We’ll live, and then we’ll see!”
Probably nothing more, sorry... Life is a terrible thing. Risky. But you have to live it, this life. We must move forward for the sake of those we love...
Let me make a reservation once again: all this can be said to the parent who is willing to hear, and such a person’s ability is already half the healing of his spiritual wound. But one warning: if you say all this from afar, from the height of your understanding, without sincere compassion for the person, there will be no sense. Only the love of Christ heals. And it is supplied only through our love, just as water is supplied to a plant for a reason, but through the capillary system, if you break it, and the most generous watering will be in vain, the plant will die... Take this person on yourself, speak, or be silent, or cry with him, or just pray for him, as your heart tells you... If this love is not there, repent. Shout: “Christ, I have no love, do something!” Don't leave us, sinners! I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!” Faith, you see, through which the Lord works miracles, is not just “something in the foggy distance”, not a mythical phlogiston hovering in space, not speculation - it is an organ, a muscle inside a person. And you need to somehow train it, make an effort to move it... And, calling on the suffering parent: “Believe!” — you have to learn to believe yourself, to work with an atrophied muscle. Otherwise, if you can’t swim yourself, how can you save a drowning person?..
Normalize feelings
“If a child sees a parent or caregiver worrying about an event or situation, it can be helpful because it allows children to see that it is okay to express their feelings,” certified counselor and professional counselor Tammy Lewis Wilborn tells HuffPost. . And it is true.
Expressing feelings is an important part of raising emotionally responsive children. If a parent cries in response to a situation that also upsets their little ones (such as the death of a grandparent or other family member), then by allowing them to witness this grief, adults can help children understand that they are not alone in their sadness.
"Because kids don't have a ton of life experience, a lot of times when they have different thoughts or feelings, it causes them to ask, 'Is this normal?' Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so sad and why does this affect me so much?” Wilborn notes. By experiencing feelings of grief with their parents, children understand that their sadness is valid and helps them learn to cope better.
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She added that when children see their parents cry, it can humanize them and help children understand that adults suffer because of sad events, which is completely normal.
Reassure them that you are okay
“Children will often be embarrassed and scared if they see their parents really upset. It's important to explain, as much as possible, given your child's age, that you had an emotional moment, but that you are okay and that you will continue to be okay,” child psychologist Gillian Roberts told HuffPost.
Parents should give their children enough information to help them understand that there is no reason to be afraid or embarrassed. And that they can talk about whatever they want.
In addition to providing reassurance that everything will be okay and providing some context to explain the crying, parents should also specifically ask children about their own feelings. "You can check in with your baby and ask, 'How do you feel when Mommy or Daddy cry?' - Wilborn noted. “It gives them another opportunity to talk about their emotions.”
What does a baby feel in the womb when she cries?
All mothers, both after and before the birth of their baby, worry about their health and well-being, well-being and mood. Pregnant women should never be upset, but some external circumstances, hormonal disruptions and changes in mood, affect the moral well-being of the mother. Therefore, the question of what a child feels in the womb when she cries often arises.
The baby is closely connected with its mother both before and after birth. Feels her mood and its changes, reacts to them, sympathizes and empathizes with troubles. Starting from the 29th week of pregnancy, the child has already developed all his senses, he smells and tastes, touches the space around him and even distinguishes changes in lighting. Therefore, you should not be upset and cry during pregnancy. Your behavior during pregnancy will affect the future well-being of your baby. You should be careful with your emotions, protect yourself from nervous shock and stress.
There are many books about pregnancy, childbirth and newborns. They are written by qualified doctors: psychologists and pediatricians. Of course, you can trust them, but you should not miss the presence of individual indicators of the mother and fetus. And so, many experts argue that the moral connection between mother and child is very dense and close. But besides the emotional connection, there is also a physical one. When a mother is happy, an “injection” of a hormone, endorphin, occurs into her blood, and accordingly, it also enters the blood of the baby in the womb, his mood improves. Children in their mother’s belly know how to rejoice and smile just like their mother.
Unfortunately, the baby in the womb feels not only joyful emotions, but also sadness and stress. When a mother is stressed, she is not in the mood, something depresses her, and the hormone cortisol, or cortisone, comes in. These hormones also enter the child’s blood from the mother, and accordingly, the mother, without meaning to, passes on her bad mood to the unborn baby. And he can be sad and cry, which has been scientifically proven.
A child can also get a nervous shock from his mother. When she is scared, adrenaline enters her blood, and it also enters the child’s blood. The baby begins to get nervous and afraid, suffers and struggles. Such stress is always deposited in the subconscious and affects the moral well-being and psyche of the baby.
You can hurt a baby in the womb. Even if the mother is a little upset, this directly affects the baby. How does what she tells, sings, and lets you listen to? The child feels not only care and love, but also disappointment and negativity. Therefore, when mom cries, the baby cries with her . The baby reacts to the tone of voice, movements and even breathing. You should be extremely careful with what you say and listen to, what you look at and even what you think about during pregnancy. The slightest difference affects the character and behavior of the child in the future. It is worth purchasing a board book with fairy tales, and limiting all films that cause a bad mood, fear and tears.
To raise a cheerful and happy baby, you need to control your emotions. Not to hide, but to control! Therefore, dear mothers, have fun and smile, protect yourself from stress and troubles. Find a way to please yourself to improve your mood, protect yourself and your treasure from negativity. And your baby will be calm and joyful, and will delight you every day.
Pay attention to age
When explaining to children why you are crying, it is important to only provide information that is developmentally appropriate and will not make them worry or fear losing stability and security. Sometimes the nature of the reason why a parent is crying may not be appropriate to explain or the details may be more than the child can process. However, it is important to offer some context to help children understand that it is not their fault.
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“I think parents have good intentions in not wanting to have certain conversations with their children because we don't want to share the idea that the world is scary and bad sometimes. But when children don't have enough information to understand what they're seeing, what the parent is trying to avoid actually happens, says Wilborn.
Why do you always want to cry?
Children cry often and are not shy; this is their way of attracting attention, demanding a desired toy, or influencing a parent’s decision. Adults rarely allow themselves to cry in the presence of other people, but sometimes in this way they express pain, resentment, empathy Sympathy Crying: Insights from Infrared Thermal Imaging on a Female Sample, fatigue, stress, or, conversely, joy.
If crying does not appear every day and over trifles, you can ignore it. But imagine a situation where tears flow because of a broken nail, a small remark from a stranger, or for no apparent reason at all. Perhaps the problem is a lack of vitamin Vitamin B‑12 and depression: Are they related? B12, fatigue. But sometimes a constant desire to cry is the influence of various pathological factors that are difficult to eliminate without a doctor.
Psychological factors
Instability of the nervous system appears in people who are in a state of nervous tension for a long time. At the same time, the hormones adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol are released, which deplete the body. Crying helps Sympathy Crying: Insights from Infrared Thermal Imaging on a Female Sample reduce the release of these substances and reduce the impact of stress on the psyche.
Sometimes the desire to cry constantly arises due to a violation of Medical psychology adaptation to the action of various factors. For example, psychological pressure at work, lack of money or a large number of responsibilities to loved ones exhaust the nervous system, irritation and fatigue accumulate. Therefore, for any insignificant reason, tears appear. This disorder can last up to 2-3 months and does not always go away without the help of a psychologist.
Mental disorders
A constant desire to cry occurs with mental disorders. They often have subtle symptoms, so it is impossible to make a diagnosis without consulting a psychiatrist. After examination, the doctor may find one of the following diseases:
- Depression (major depressive disorder). Patients are in an emotionally depressed state, but sadness and tearfulness can be replaced by aggression and irritability. A person loses all interest in life, his favorite hobbies, his mental activity slows down, and his memory decreases. In severe cases, thoughts of suicide or attempts to carry it out appear.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder. The condition occurs Post‑traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after a mentally traumatic event, but usually not immediately, but several weeks later. A person is tormented by nightmares, unpleasant memories, sometimes thoughts of his own worthlessness and a feeling of doom appear. Positive emotions are erased. Sometimes this disorder can also lead to suicide.
- Panic attacks and panic disorder disorder. This is a mental illness in which a sudden attack of fear appears, a person loses control over his behavior, feels a loud heartbeat, shortness of breath, trembling, and abdominal cramps. Many people start crying at this.
- Dementia Dementia. The disease often occurs in old age and leads to a decrease in memory, attention, and thinking. A person’s emotions are erased, but there is a desire to cry constantly.
Changes in internal organs
A frequent desire to shed tears may occur due to hormonal changes or illnesses and be accompanied by additional symptoms. For example, in women, tearfulness is associated with premenstrual syndrome, menopause, or pregnancy. Psychoemotional disorders during pregnancy. The need for their correction. These conditions are accompanied by fluctuations in the level of sex hormones, and therefore can lead to emotional instability.
Doctors believe that endocrine diseases also cause constant crying. For example, with hyperthyroidism Hyperthyroidism (overactive thyroid), Addison's disease, diabetes mellitus Depression and diabetes mellitus as comorbid diseases, there is a tendency to depression and mood swings.
But more often than not, tears for no reason provoke brain pathologies. Sometimes a person experiences uncontrollable crying, which can be replaced by laughter. This is one of the signs of pseudobulbar affect. Some consider it a mental disorder, but in fact it is caused by diseases of the brain:
- stroke;
- multiple sclerosis;
- consequences of head injury;
- Alzheimer's disease;
- Parkinson's disease.
But not too often
While it may be good for children to occasionally see their parents cry, it may not be healthy to do so. If children see their caregivers crying too often or excessively, they may think that something is seriously wrong.
“Children may feel guilty when they see their parents cry because they want to do something about it, but they don't know what to do because they are children,” Wilborn notes. “They may feel helpless, wondering, 'What can I do?' How can I stop this?″ And then the fear arises: “What does this mean? What will happen to my parents? What will happen to me?
be careful
If, for example, you cry because of sad commercials, that's normal. It shows your children your humanity. But you must try to control your emotions. Otherwise you may scare the children.
Of course, it is not always possible to protect children from intense, uncontrollable emotions, especially when tragedy strikes unexpectedly. However, psychologists recommend that adults do not allow their children to be present at such moments.
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How to stop crying for no reason
Some try to cope with bad emotions on their own, trying to suppress crying or distract themselves from provoking factors. You can practice breathing exercises or try relaxation techniques.
If tears continue to appear in your eyes for no reason, you need to consult a therapist. He will prescribe an examination, and if necessary, send you to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist.
Treatment will depend on the cause of the crying. For psychological problems, Cognitive behavioral therapy helps with cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches you to change your thinking and correctly perceive negative situations.
If the crying is associated with hormonal problems, mental or neurological diseases, the doctor can prescribe the necessary medications.
