How does a woman feel when she cheats on her husband? A woman's behavior after her husband's betrayal. Life after betrayal: is it easy to live after forgiving betrayal?

Male betrayal will not surprise anyone today. Moreover, society does not sharply condemn men for their partisanship. The explanation of their polygamous physiology is most often limited to one phrase, “He’s a man!”, implying permission to cheat. And, despite the fact that cheating on a husband is one of the most common causes of divorce in the world, most often men’s fleeting hobbies with their wives are forgiven.

The attitude in society towards female infidelity is the opposite. Since ancient times, a woman was considered a beregin, a keeper of the hearth. Her modesty and loyalty to her husband were considered the most valuable qualities. In some cultures, a wife could be executed for treason; more often, the crowd would throw stones at the traitor. Today, a woman who cheats on her husband does not face such a severe punishment. But, if a man’s infidelity is justified by nature itself, then female infidelity is a complex concept that requires a detailed explanation.

Psychology of female infidelity

The nature of female infidelity can be explained by one phrase from an old joke: “It’s not difficult to take someone else’s wife, but it’s difficult to get her back later.” Although many wives deny that they could ever cheat on their spouse, in fact, statistics prove the opposite. A woman, unlike a man, is guided not by the physiological needs given to him by nature, but by feelings. Therefore, it is a married woman who is easiest to seduce and fall in love with. Against the background of a stagnant relationship with a spouse and a lack of romance, it is very easy to awaken a woman’s extinguished feelings. After all, every woman dreams of being loved and desired, and words are often more important for her than actions. Think about why, at all times, out-and-out romantics and vagabonds were revered by women more than sensible businessmen? Why do women leave a reliable husband for a street thug? As already mentioned, women live by feelings, and betrayal for them is an action dictated by their emotional sphere. No woman will cheat on her husband just because she liked the biceps or butt of her intended lover. Among the reasons for female infidelity lie deeper roots.

After a known failure of “negotiations,” there is a painful and often long-term depression that somehow excludes us from life. Luckily, as they say, the darkest is right before the sun rises, because the next step is acceptance. Those of you who have experienced this yourself know what is being said. He deceived you and now you know the truth. Overcoming infidelity isn't easy, but no one said relationships were easy. Should you forgive it and work together to improve the relationship, or call it a day and move on?

What women shouldn't do

Because of their raging emotions, girls act rashly and later regret it. Typical mistakes of deceived women:

Revenge, which manifests itself in different ways: spreading rumors, fighting with a mistress, cheating. These options will not help you survive betrayal. The woman’s reputation may deteriorate, and the situation with her husband will worsen.
Overeating, which also will not improve the situation, but will only reduce self-esteem.
Alcohol consumption, which can develop into severe addiction. A cheater is not worth such losses.
Obsession with hatred, which leads to depression.
A cross on your own life. Sometimes abandoned women believe so much in their own uselessness that they even drink themselves to death, become vagabonds and kill themselves. Every person is a self-sufficient person who deserves happiness. Even if you meet an unworthy man, one day a worthy one will appear. You should not deprive yourself of the prospects of finding happiness.
Do not reproach yourself for weakness and inability to resist pain. It’s easy to survive betrayal only in words. The main thing is not to forget that everyone has one life, and it is impossible to live it again. It is better not to waste valuable time on hatred, revenge or self-flagellation.

When faced with infidelity, it is important to live through all the phases of PTSD without dwelling on them. And remember that life is priceless.

Common reasons for female infidelity

So, why does the wife decide to take such a risky step? For many, this is, first of all, a step of despair, searching for a way out of the situation, solving problems. The reasons for a wife’s betrayal should be sought only in the family.

Trying to forget family problems. More than 10 years of marriage have passed, there are children in the family, but there are certain problems that do not make a woman happy in marriage. Young girls will most likely file for divorce, and a woman who has decades of family life behind her will not dare to destroy the created world. Because of my own insecurities, because of my children, because of the fear of change. She will find an outlet in the form of a lover. But over time, this illusion will be destroyed, the woman will understand that she is deceiving, first of all, herself.
Satisfying your own ego. Psychologists say that an unmarried woman can be distinguished by her gaze, by a certain sparkle in her eyes, by the aura emanating from her. Once married, a woman loses these signs and becomes uninteresting to men. And the fact that she is married also pushes fans away from her. It is in search of male attention and romance that a woman decides to cheat. Moreover, often in such cases it is she who becomes the initiator of extramarital relations.
Problems in your sex life. Intimacy plays a big role in family life. But over time, passion dulls, and many married couples are overtaken by a crisis. Without trying to find a joint solution to this problem, the spouses find it on the side. Sexual dissatisfaction pushes the wife to cheat.
Women's revenge. Cheating for this reason is a huge mistake. Having learned about her husband's infidelity, the wife, overwhelmed by feelings and under the influence of extreme stress, commits adultery. But the result is spiritual emptiness and perhaps even a broken marriage. After all, a man, unlike a woman, is not always ready to forgive betrayal.

You're probably asking so many questions that your mind is bombarded with non-stop thoughts. If you didn't leave him the moment you discovered the truth, you'll probably be living a nightmare in the coming months. Jealousy and anger often remain somewhere in the background, waiting for any opportunity to return to the surface, waiting to explode in a relationship that is shaky anyway.

If you decide to forgive it, unfortunately you can't take back the time to make things right, but there are a few steps you can take to move the relationship in the right direction. However, keep in mind that positive results are not guaranteed.

New love. No matter how old a woman is, she constantly needs love and romantic courtship. And, if on her way she meets a seducer who will give her all this, then she will rush headlong into the maelstrom of a new relationship.
Frequent separations. A spouse's long business trips can also serve as a catalyst for his wife's infidelity. In this case, a number of other reasons arise that contribute to discord in the relationship: lack of attention, suspicion of the husband of infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction.
First love. As you know, first love leaves the strongest emotional memories in the soul. And if the object of youthful infatuation (provided that he did not drink himself to death or degenerate) comes across a woman’s path, then her memory will awaken past memories and the relationship will continue.
Marriage without love. Unfortunately, such marriages are becoming common in society. A childhood friend, by convenience, by chance - it’s hard to surprise with such reasons for getting married.

And one more important aspect - a woman cheats not only with her body, but also with her soul. Therefore, if a man breaks up with his mistress easily, then for a woman such a choice is very difficult. And when such a situation occurs, it is very important to stop being guided by feelings, and begin to act according to the arguments of reason.

How to live after cheating with your husband

Expect to admit your guilt and express with sincerity your regret that he deceived you. Express your distress, anger and anger, preferably only through words and body language. He insists on fully understanding the gravity of his actions. Ask them to make a continuous effort in words and deeds to prove that they will never cross this line again.

Put everything in its place

Make him listen to you over and over again when you express the intense emotional pain caused by his cheating. Try to find the necessary empathy within yourself to understand his emotional insecurities that led him to seek the approval of another woman.

What should a woman do next?

To preserve human relations, both parties should speak out (even before divorce). And try to find out the reason for what happened.

Serious conversation

If the partner is ready to break contact with his mistress, the marriage can be restored. It is necessary to talk calmly, understand the reasons for the betrayal, and try to eliminate them together. The partner must learn to trust the chosen one.

You will have to honestly discuss feelings. Often, a lack of communication pushes one of the halves to betrayal. Spouses need to avoid conflicts and hysterics, although this is not easy in the early stages.

If this is a long-term marriage, it is worth remembering its best moments. It is necessary to come up with new rules according to which relationships will be built. You will have to forget about the betrayal and not remind your partner about it, manipulating with guilt. This page should be closed. If it doesn’t work out, it’s better to break up with the traitor.

If a couple has children or pets, it is important to have a lot of fun together in order to realize the advantages of a happy, friendly family. Travel, walks, and holidays are suitable for this.

If it's a divorce

It is important to disperse in a civilized manner and protect children from stress. Girls do not need to panic and think that this is the end of their lives. The body of many people is adapted to such crises, so it will gradually recover from the stressful state. It is important not to dwell on bad thoughts. There is a serious advantage to a quick breakup: you don’t have to spend decades marrying a cheater.

And if a mature woman gets divorced, she will have time for her desires. It’s worth finding a hobby, taking care of your appearance, and starting to study. This will strengthen your self-esteem and meet interesting people. Among them there may be a new great love. Many mature ladies claim that 40 years is the beginning of life.

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How to love your husband again if your feelings begin to fade

Signs of a wife cheating

The nature of a woman is such that it is difficult for her to hide the changes that happen to her. The female powerful emotional sphere is again to blame for everything. Therefore, if the wife does not admit to infidelity herself, which often happens, her husband can find out about her affair by a number of signs:

Tell her how much you need to be loved and feel safe to get through this. Insist on doing whatever it takes to bring emotional safety and well-being back into your relationship. Encourage him to go to couples, sex therapy or personal development group with you.

Help him open his heart to you and share his fears and emotional insecurities. Whether he agrees to accompany you or not, seek help for your unresolved relationship or sexual problems. After all, having discussed everything and agreed that you want to try again, in the end, there is a chance that you will not be able to forgive him completely. You can let things go and stay connected, but always with a guard, wondering if you are being hurt again.

the wife hides her phone from her husband and does not talk on the phone in front of him;
changes appeared in appearance, the wife began to take better care of herself;
a woman has lost interest in sex, constantly finds a reason to evade intimacy;
the spouse is emotionally distant;
she no longer cares about housekeeping;
absences from home have become frequent, and the wife also returns late from work;
any words or actions of the spouse now irritate the woman;
and the most important sign of infidelity is the appearance of sparkle in the eyes, mystery and mystery.

But no matter what reasons a woman has for cheating, its consequences are most often very sad. How does a woman feel after her betrayal?

Most likely, an exorbitant burden of guilt will fall on women’s shoulders. Even if the husband never finds out about the fact of the betrayal, the wife will worry and suffer for a very long time because of what she did. Because of the fear of condemnation and disclosure of the secret, a woman is unlikely to tell anyone about her action. But in such situations, it is best to speak out and cry on someone’s shoulder. Being in this case her own lawyer, judge, and executioner, a woman can easily reach a nervous breakdown. And then only a psychologist or a husband who has forgiven her can help.

The breakdown of a family can also be a sad consequence of a wife's betrayal. Although, depending on which side you look at it. If the marriage is already bursting at the seams, maybe it’s not worth saving? And divorce is the only step to start life over with a new leaf. As a rule, men do not forgive cheating. A man understands perfectly well that if his wife cheated on him, it means that she gave vent to her feelings, which means that not only physical, but also spiritual betrayal has occurred. This means that his wife does not belong to him. And rarely can any spouse forgive this. Therefore, the consequences of a wife’s betrayal for a husband are always so categorical.

Another consequence of accomplished adultery is a new relationship and, possibly, a new family. There are many such cases in life. Having met true love, a woman goes to her lover and gets married. In this case, we can say that life after the betrayal has become happier.

Thus, we can conclude that the reasons for adultery on the part of the wife lie in the search for love, warmth, attention and understanding, which she lacks in the family. Cheating occurs when a relationship has outlived its usefulness. Therefore, in order not to blame yourself for the destruction of the family, you need to do everything to preserve it before the woman decides to take a desperate step. If in her own husband she sees at the same time a protector, a lover, a friend, then even thoughts about betrayal will not arise.

Loyalty is one of the most important moments of family life. Of course, happy are those people who have not had to experience the bitter taste of betrayal in their lives. However, even very loving and adoring halves of each other do not always manage to achieve complete harmony in creating a strong family union. What to do if one of the spouses turns out to be unfaithful to their partner? What is betrayal and how to survive it?

The main thing in the article

Symptoms of depression

How to cope with depression after your husband cheats? To give an answer, you need to identify the disease. Main signs of the phenomenon:

constant apathy, loss of performance;
sleep disturbance, insomnia in the evening, in the morning it is impossible to open your eyes;
chronic fatigue;
obsessive thoughts;
loss of appetite or constant hunger;
nightmares at night;
mood swings from aggression to sadness, despair;
desire to avoid people;
anxiety, unreasonable fear.

If you discover characteristic symptoms, you should consult a psychotherapist or psychologist. The first one can prescribe antidepressants and prescribe a course of treatment. The second specialist will consult about emotions, listen and give advice. Don't be ashamed of the problem, it's not a sign of mental illness. Healthy people also need specialist help.

The terrible word treason: what can it really be?

Treason... How many destinies have been broken, tears have been shed and families have been destroyed because of this phenomenon! However, what does this word mean? What exactly is adultery? Is she as scary as they say she is?

Treason is the violation of fidelity of one partner to another, regardless of whether they are related by marriage or not. Most often, we are talking about sexual contact “on the side,” although many of us consider one of our partners to be in love with another person as betrayal, arguing that “moral betrayal is worse than physical.”

Cheating is most often not an accident or an unfortunate misunderstanding that destroyed an ideal relationship, but an offensive consequence of problems that arose between partners. It does not arise out of nowhere and always has its own reasons, which we often do not want to notice.

Adultery is a kind of signal that the family vessel, if it has not yet crashed into everyday life, has developed a noticeable leak. You can treat her differently: some husbands have had a constant mistress for years, and more than one, and their wives pretend not to notice anything; others, as soon as they suspect a man of infidelity, immediately break off the relationship.

In any case, a loving person has two scales in front of him: on one of them is love and a calm relationship with his partner, on the other is a short-term affair, momentary lust. It’s simple: if the other side of the scale outweighs, then the sincerity of his love should be doubted.

There is an excellent phrase: “You can seduce a man who has a mistress or a wife, but not one who has a beloved woman.”

Stages of awareness of betrayal

Psychologists call the stages of awareness of betrayal “post-traumatic disorder.” There are five such stages:

The initial shock is when a woman thinks that what happened is a stupid fantasy. Even seeing obvious signs of betrayal, the woman denies them.
Denial continues. The girl acts rashly when trying to get her partner back.
There is an awareness of betrayal, which is why the girl becomes more emotional and aggressive. Trying to throw out aggression, she blames her partner and creates scandals.
Gradually the victim becomes depressed. She begins to live with memories of a cloudless past. Many begin to non-stop look through family photo albums and respond aggressively to advisers.
Humility comes. The victim begins to analyze the problem and thinks about the possibility of forgiving the traitor. At this stage, it becomes possible to calmly analyze what happened. In previous stages this was not easy to do.

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The duration of the post-traumatic period depends on the characteristics of the person’s psyche. Psychologists advise going through all the stages first, and then making decisions. If such a disorder lasts for a long time, it is worth visiting a psychologist (and sometimes a psychotherapist is needed).

A cheater is not worth losing years of your life. For most affected girls, these 5 stages last 3 months. It is better to take them far from the cheater. This will help you cope with the shock faster.

The difference between female and male infidelity

From a psychological point of view, male infidelity is fundamentally different from female infidelity. In male infidelity, the element of betrayal itself is most often missing. A man often does not experience deep feelings and emotional attachment for the object with whom he cheats on a woman. Often this is just a momentary whim, passion or inability to suppress an instinct that has played out inappropriately and inappropriately.

A woman cannot cheat on her man if she does not feel affection or deeper feelings for the object of betrayal. Thus, a woman’s path to betrayal lies through the cooling of her feelings for her husband: she begins to be attracted to another man. A man, on the contrary, cheating on his wife, continues to love her, sometimes even more than before betraying her. This is why female infidelity is NOT comparable to male infidelity.

Female infidelity is a more destructive thing for marriage and relationships. Male infidelity is often easy, superficial, and, if a woman does not find out about it, is not capable of destroying either a relationship or a marriage.

While a man has a relationship on the side in the evening, and in the morning he may not even remember the name of his passion, a woman, with rare exceptions, will not be able to give herself to the first person she meets: she will diligently choose a man with whom she despairs of cheating on her loved one.

The next difference between male infidelity and female infidelity is that when a man cheats on his wife, he is basically convinced that his woman is superior to the object of infidelity, and he begins to treat his wife more reverently and touchingly. A woman, on the contrary, idealizes her lover, and her attitude towards her husband will only worsen. A man who is “cuckolded” is most often killed morally, compared, sexual relations with him are stopped, and in most cases the family is destroyed.

Studies have shown that men who cheat on their wives do not consider their marriage to be unsuccessful, while unfaithful wives do not hide the fact that they are unhappy in their marriage. And if a man does not always need a reason for cheating, then a woman in her infidelity always pursues some goal:

be it banal revenge, a desire to assert oneself or a desire to experience new feelings.

Why do husbands cheat on their wives?

Men can cheat on their wives either simply “at the behest of instinct” or for a specific reason. There may be several reasons why husbands cheat on their wives:

fading love
: if a man has ceased to have tender feelings for his woman and has lost passion for her, it will not be easy to keep him from cheating. In this case, keeping a man near you will be pointless; you need to muster the courage to clarify, and possibly terminate, the relationship. You can blame your partner only for the fact that he was not honest, but not for the lack of love on his part.

relationship problems
: this does not mean that there is no more love. In most cases, on the contrary, with his betrayal the partner wants to make sure of the superiority of his beloved and return the passion and ardor of feelings. Instead of expressing his complaints to his wife, the man unconsciously tries to rectify the situation in a very unique way - by cheating.

That is why, from a psychological point of view, betrayal often serves as a stabilizer of relationships, and people who have experienced all the “delights” of betrayal subsequently treat their partner with greater understanding and tolerance.

desire to try something new
: all friends have mistresses, and they do not miss the opportunity to boast about their victories on the love front. And then the man decides to try to have an affair on the side - so as not to be different from others, and in order to diversify his sex life, which has become commonplace. Such connections can be either one-time or permanent - depending on the temperament and character of the man and his passion.

lack of attention from the wife
: often occurs when a small child appears in the family. Routine and everyday troubles quickly tire a man, and his wife gives him fewer and fewer wonderful moments. A man has no choice but to look for love pleasures on the side: in his mistress’s bed he feels carefree, omnipotent and attractive.

inability to resist
: some women are capable of making remarkable efforts to drag the man they like into their bed. And if a man is not characterized by steadfastness of character, and there are problems in the family, then she can succeed quite easily. It happens that it is such a strong woman who subsequently takes a man away from the family.

“Drunk”
: one of the most common reasons for male and female infidelity. Alcohol dulls conscience and honor, but can ignite desire and passion. Treason that occurred due to the fault of drinking alcohol often leads to nothing, since the man is not interested in continuing his fleeting relationship. But if such a relationship drags on, it means that everything did not happen by chance, and alcohol only pushed the partners who had been eyeing each other for a long time.

How to forgive your husband's betrayal and is it worth doing?

There are other reasons that can push a man to cheat, but not in all situations the most reasonable solution would be a complete break in the relationship. The solution to the problem must be sought together, without hesitation to discuss internal family problems.

If, in the case of betrayal, a person is driven by his inner experiences, the discomfort that he experiences while being next to his legal wife, then the culprit of such betrayal is not only the man.

Before a woman completely breaks off a relationship, she needs to reconsider her attitude towards her husband, understand what he lacks at home, what she “doesn’t give” him, what is offered to him in abundance “there”?

If you cannot solve internal problems at a family council, you can seek advice from an experienced psychologist who will offer options for solving a problem such as adultery.

With a qualified, correct approach, you can not only save your marriage, but also make your relationship more sincere, deep and trusting, and learn to appreciate and respect each other even more.

However, not all men are worthy of forgiveness, and the phrase “if you love, you will forgive” does not apply in all cases.

There are betrayals that cannot be forgiven. If a man cheats on his wife for a long time, doing it practically in front of her, bringing his mistress home, settling down on the family bed, or starts an affair with his wife’s best friend, it is better to send such a “male” out of your life forever.

Such betrayal is nothing more than a real betrayal, and a woman, even one who loves her husband unconditionally, will find it very difficult to forgive him.

How to get rid of depression

Sports, impressions, communication and the ability to get rid of accumulated pain are important methods. Still, professional therapy is needed. Depression is a disease.

Recommendations from a psychologist

To quickly recover after a breakup, you should follow some rules. Basic advice from psychologists:

You can't stay alone for long.
New acquaintances are important, so it is worth attending events and theaters.
You should devote time to sports.
It is necessary to pursue a career, because success increases self-esteem. And there is no time left for depressive thoughts.
It is worth making friends with optimists, and communicating less often with depressed acquaintances.
It is important to compliment yourself for any achievements, reward yourself with treats and other pleasures.
Self-flagellation must not be allowed. It is worth treating this incident as a life lesson.
You can mentally thank the cheater for the happy moments and let him go.
Psychologists recommend actively communicating, but not having affairs. You should finally calm down and move away from the past relationship.
It is important not to romanticize your ex. Even a strong attachment will one day disappear if the irritant - the former partner - is removed from sight. New emotions and acquaintances will fill a woman’s life. One day she realizes that she has long forgotten about her past relationship.

Practical advice

Self-medication rarely works without psychotherapy. Still, it is important to restructure daily life. Practical tips:

When obsessive thoughts arise, you should switch to any thing in front of your eyes. A pebble, a flower, a telephone will do. The item is examined and assessed for weight, texture and color. You can come up with associations. You need to focus on contemplation. After a couple of minutes, heavy thoughts will recede.
Creativity will help you recover. Any result improves self-esteem, and the process itself is fascinating and relaxing. You don't have to think about artistic value.
You shouldn't keep your feelings to yourself. The advice “not to fall apart” depresses a person more. The pain accumulates. If you want to cry, you need to do it. If you want to show aggression, you can do martial arts or beat a pillow.
You need to please yourself. And record the positive moments in your diary. What brings more positive emotions deserves special attention.

Female infidelity: should you open up to a man?

To decide to cheat, a woman needs a VERY compelling reason. And the question of whether to tell a man about the fact of his going “on the side” or not depends only on what the woman wanted to achieve with her infidelity.

So, TOP reasons for female infidelity

Revenge
. If a woman feels that she is being cheated on or probably knows it, she often decides to repay the man in the same coin. At the same time, she pursues the goal of attracting attention to herself and reviving her former passion. Not every woman will dare to make her husband a “cuckold”; moreover, it is not a fact that she will achieve the return of love and affection from her husband. And complete disappointment often awaits her in her lover, so quite often, fed up with new sexual relationships, a woman returns to her husband and loves him with renewed vigor, without telling him about her infidelities, trying to save the family.
If the husband nevertheless found out about his wife’s infidelity and forgave her, she will do everything possible to atone for her guilt.
New love
. Suddenly developing feelings for another man can provoke a woman to cheat. She, of course, may not succumb to obsession and “drive away” new love, but if the new man turns out to be persistent, even an impregnable fortress may fall.
In the case of true, mutual love, there is no point in hiding infidelity from your husband. Often such “side trips” lead to the emergence of new unions, which turn out to be quite happy and long-lasting.
Intoxication
. Alcoholic or erotic - it doesn’t matter, but it comes suddenly, like an obsession: as a result, the woman commits adultery. At the moment of infidelity, she is not embarrassed by the consequences, she is at the mercy of momentary desire.
After it's all over, she will most likely realize her mistake, admit guilt, and never repeat it in the future. In this case, it is better to protect her beloved man from the unpleasant truth.
Interest
. Women who did not have fun in their youth, but, once married, realized that their husband is not such a gorgeous lover as they dreamed of, decide to try something new and commit adultery. Then everything depends on what has been achieved: if betrayal ends in a whirlwind romance, passion and real feelings, there is simply no point in hiding it from your husband.
However, more often than not, a woman becomes disappointed in her lover and returns under the wing of her legal spouse, trying never to remember how interest led her to betrayal.
Boredom.
Women turn a blind eye to a lot: they are able to come to terms with men’s habits, routine and the role of a housewife. But not everyone can stand the constant absence of her husband from home. At the same time, many husbands are physically close to their wives, but morally out of reach.
Naturally, a woman begins to look for a replacement for her husband: both moral and physical. If she tells her husband about her infidelities, she will most likely lose him, but if she remains silent, she will leave everything unchanged.
Instinct
. We have heard a lot about male instincts and polygamy, but many women also have increased sexuality. Especially during the period of ovulation, in the middle of the menstrual cycle, when their libido increases to its maximum, and the desire to become fertilized simply goes off scale.
If during this period the beloved husband is not nearby, but there is a “male” who charms the woman with his charm, she may succumb and cheat on her husband. It is during the period of ovulation that the majority of female infidelities occur.

Family conflicts: prevention and treatment. Conversation 11

He covers other people's roofs, but his own are not covered. He loves other people's women, but forgets his own. Archimandrite Pavel (Gruzdev)

How to continue to live if a tragedy occurs in the family: one of the spouses cheated on the other? How to deal with jealousy and resentment? Is it possible to forgive betrayal, and how to survive separation? First, let's talk about the reasons for adultery, which in our time of general promiscuity and irresponsibility, unfortunately, happens even in Orthodox, church-going families. Why do people, having forgotten their closest and dearest people, go to others?

There are two reasons for adultery. First: weakness of the will of one of the spouses, inability to resist temptations, susceptibility to sin. The second and most important reason: a dysfunctional family situation, lack of peace and mutual understanding between spouses. Sometimes both of these reasons together lead to betrayal, sometimes only one of them.

A very common situation: young people marry, as it seems to them, out of great love; they are driven by feelings, passion, love. At the beginning, everything is fine with them: they are happy, they feel good together. Children are born, life is getting better, nothing foreshadows trouble. But we must not forget that love, passion, attraction gradually fade away, something more must come in their place. True love is the fruit of a lot of work and creativity of spouses. True intimacy does not come by itself, it is created by daily work, when husband and wife live for each other. And when the initial ardent feelings are replaced by habit, a person begins to be burdened by relationships. Then one of the spouses (most often a man) begins to compare his half with other women and sees a lot of shortcomings in her. A bored wife no longer arouses his desire, while others, on the contrary, seem very attractive. This also happens because the person did not make a firm and irrevocable decision, when entering into marriage, not to perceive anyone other than his other half as even a potential partner. For a married man, there should be only one woman - his own wife; others seem to have no gender for him. Then he will not look around and be tormented by doubts about the correctness of his choice, but will build his family life, which is an absolute value for him. If this is not the case, it means that the person’s will is relaxed, and he leaves himself at least a small loophole for immodest thoughts and behavior, and then betrayal. A spouse who has chosen this style of behavior is an egoist; he perceives marriage as an opportunity to receive joy and pleasure and, when faced with difficulties and everyday routine, begins to look for pleasure outside the family, instead of thinking: how can I make sure that we all

it was good that
we
were happy together.

But still, promiscuity, weak will, selfishness are far from the most important reasons for adultery. Almost all betrayals happen due to a difficult situation in the family and mature for years, because when peace, love and harmony reign in the family, betrayals do not happen. Constant quarrels, conflicts, family scandals are very fertile ground for betrayal. A man (especially one with a weakened will) will inevitably compare a grouchy, always dissatisfied, scandalous wife with other women he knows, and this comparison will not be in his wife’s favor. And sooner or later there may come a time when he leaves the family or takes a mistress.

I’m mainly talking about male infidelity simply because, according to statistics, men cheat on their wives much more often, but all of the above can also be attributed to female infidelity. The same situation can occur if the spouse treats his wife inappropriately, for example, is cold, inconsiderate, rude to his wife; Instead of devoting time to her and providing help and support, he disappears all day in the company of friends.

When one of the spouses leaves the family, he does not leave for the other (or another), but leaves his half. And this means that big mistakes were made in the relationship between the spouses. And both are to blame for this. One of the spouses committed betrayal, and the other was unable to create conditions in the family to prevent this from happening. Yes, adultery, of course, is a grave sin, and nothing destroys a family like adultery, but if adultery occurs, both spouses need to think and draw conclusions: why the tragedy occurred and what in their behavior led to it.

Sometimes you can even hear from Orthodox church people that the words of the Gospel about permission to divorce a spouse due to her adultery (see: Matt. 5: 32) refer only to the case when the wife cheated on her husband. And if the husband turns out to be unfaithful to his wife, she, they say, cannot divorce him. This is completely false. Adultery is a great sin for both women and men, and they bear equal responsibility for it. In the Old Testament, adultery was punishable by death by stoning (for both the adulterer and the adulteress): “If anyone commits adultery with his married wife; If anyone commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death” (Lev. 20:10).

In pre-revolutionary Russia, adultery of one of the spouses (both husband and wife) served as grounds for church and civil divorce[1].

What to do if there has been a betrayal, but at least one party wants reconciliation and family reunification?

Let's look at a case where the husband has taken a mistress, has no intention of returning to the family, or lives in two houses at once. His wife loves him, doesn’t want to get a divorce and is trying to forgive and save the family. Women in this situation usually make one of two mistakes:

1. They are ready to return their reveler-husband at any cost; such wives seem to say: “Do what you want, just don’t leave!” They begin to humiliate themselves and lose their dignity.

2. Some women want their husbands back, but cannot forgive him; Jealousy, anger and resentment reign in their souls. If the spouse does return to the family, they constantly make claims against him, remember his betrayal and reproach him for this.

Both of these approaches are wrong, although it is, of course, possible to understand and explain this behavior of women who find themselves in a very difficult life situation. In the first case, it is unbearable for the wife to imagine how she will live without her husband, and sometimes it is not so much love for her husband that speaks to her as the fear of losing everything that was before; she wants her husband to return and everything will be as before, that is, as it was before his betrayal. In fact, this is impossible. You cannot step into the same river twice, and you cannot rewind life back like a film. After betrayal, it will not be possible to live the same way you lived before the betrayal. And the point here is not only that it will not be possible to forgive betrayal. A Christian can forgive everything. It’s just that the spouses will need to radically change themselves and their relationships, start from scratch, learn to love each other again, so as not to repeat the mistakes that led to divorce. And it's not that simple. When a woman humiliates herself in order to win back her cheating husband, she achieves the opposite result. Firstly, it becomes unattractive in the eyes of a man; secondly, it provokes him into a new betrayal, because if he is allowed everything, as long as he doesn’t leave, he will do whatever he wants.

Whether her husband returns or not, a woman must maintain her dignity. If she doesn't respect herself, then no one will respect her.

The situation when a wife passionately wants to get her husband back and is ready to use any means to achieve this is very typical. It’s not for nothing that all sorts of occult, “I’ll get my husband back” and the like are so popular. I have repeatedly had to talk with women who have experienced divorce or separation from their husbands. As a rule, they have one thing in common. They can't live in the present. All their memories, all their thoughts lie in a time when betrayal and divorce had not yet occurred in their family. They passionately want to return to that time, but, unfortunately, they have little idea how they will live with a spouse who cheated on them. Whether it will be easier for them if their husband returns or not is still unknown, but one thing is clear: they need to live not in the past, but in the present. Be able to enjoy every day and minute and the gifts that God gives us. A person who is joyful, as they say, positive, looking into the future with faith, is pleasant to himself and to those around him. Regardless of whether you want your husband back or not, you should get over your grief and be as happy as possible.

The same can be said for women who are deeply offended by their husband and present endless claims to him, but at the same time want him back. It is unlikely that a husband will return to a wife who is depressed and angry, because many husbands go to their mistresses, fleeing the eternal discontent, grumbling and bad mood of their spouses. If you have ever had to communicate with a person who is in a state of melancholy and melancholy, then you know how difficult this task is. At first you want to console him, but after a while being with him becomes unbearable. On the contrary, it is very easy and pleasant to communicate with a person who is optimistic, friendly, and very pleasant. Of course, it is clear that it is very difficult for a person who has experienced betrayal to enjoy life, but there is no other way, otherwise you will sink deeper and deeper into melancholy and despondency.

You can survive a difficult period only with God's help. We need to know that the Lord loves us and never sends us tests beyond our strength. In a state where a person is overcome by sadness, of course, it is very difficult to pray. But you need to force yourself to do this, literally force yourself to go to church and get up for prayer. One of my friends’ husbands left her with two small children. Left for someone else. But, unfortunately, no matter how much I persuaded her to go to church, confess and take communion, she just couldn’t do it, although she had gone to church before. Those people who, during the period of separation from loved ones, going through a divorce, turned to God and prayed intensely, testify that this is the only way to truly get out of depression and start living again.

Parting with a loved one is a great test, but many people come to Church through sorrow and turn to God. Life's adversities and misfortunes are a wake-up call that not everything is going well in our lives. You need to start praying and rush to the temple. It is easier for a Christian to endure sorrows; he knows that the trials in our lives are not random, everything has a deep meaning. Either we suffer for our sins, or difficult life experiences are needed for our spiritual improvement. The most important thing is to be patient in trials and go through them with prayer and faith in God, and then the Lord will definitely send His help.

Cheating is often accompanied by jealousy. If the injured party wants to forgive the betrayal, she, as a rule, suffers for a long time from jealousy and suspicion. Jealousy often precedes betrayal and sometimes provokes it. Jealousy can arise out of nowhere, even if no one cheated on anyone and had no intention of doing so, so it would be a good idea to talk about this very destructive feeling.

Anyone who has ever experienced a feeling of jealousy or suspicion knows how, like acid, it corrodes the soul and kills love. Many people want to get rid of it, but do not know how to do it.

One day in the temple a middle-aged man approached me to ask for advice. He said that he was very jealous of his wife and could not help himself. Moreover, she didn’t seem to give him a reason, but their relationship has recently deteriorated, they began to move away from each other, there is no longer that warmth that was before. He also admits his guilt. Spends a lot of time at work, communicates little with his wife.

This is roughly what I answered him. Suspicion is the devil’s favorite weapon in his desire to quarrel loved ones. How many times in confession have you heard that spouses suspect each other of cheating, and sons-in-law and daughters-in-law talk about how mothers-in-law allegedly want to cast spells on them.

Under no circumstances should you succumb to this provocation. No matter how strong the suspicions are and no matter how great the temptation is to start spying on your spouse, checking her mobile phone and email. Firstly, as a rule, all these suspicions are unfounded, and if you love a person, you need to trust him. Secondly, even if some evidence of adultery is found, will it make us feel better? I doubt. Quite the opposite.

Jealousy is certainly not a Christian emotion. Jealousy is based on resentment, anger, and fear. Fear of losing a loved one. But this is not the fear when we worry about him and are afraid of losing him, as, for example, during a serious illness. This is different. A feeling of possessiveness, possession, and this is no longer good. No one can belong to anyone completely. A person will only be with us and love us when he wants it. After all, even God does not keep us in the Church by force. If you don’t want to believe in Him, you can leave, you have free will, but the Lord will not stop loving you because of it. Therefore, if we really love a loved one, then we must respect his free will and, of course, make every effort so that his love for us does not fade away, because the fact that he wants to leave (if he wants) is our great fault.

Psychologists say that, oddly enough, you can get rid of fear by accepting the inevitability of the event that frightens you. That is, if you are afraid that your wife might cheat on you, you need to internally come to terms with the fact that this could very well happen, and not hold a grudge against her in advance. In other words: hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst. This technique is applicable in other situations. For example, parents often worry about their children. Indeed, children are always at risk for all sorts of misfortunes: they can fall out of a window, contract a fatal disease, get hit by a car, or be kidnapped by bandits. But if we constantly worry about this and are afraid of everything, then our life will turn into a nightmare; and we shouldn’t have children at all, so as not to go crazy.

Or another example. It is known that 30 thousand people die annually in traffic accidents on Russian roads alone, and how many more are wounded and maimed! But this is not a reason to never drive or use transport at all. Maybe an accident will happen to us? Yes, no one is immune from this. But in all these cases, when we are overcome by fear due to jealousy, worry about children or fear of getting into a car accident, we must adhere to one rule: imagine the reality of the danger, do not turn a blind eye to it and make every effort to reduce the risk of danger to a minimum . Well, if trouble happens... Well, everything is God’s will. As they say: “Do what you must, and come what may.” And a Christian has another powerful weapon in the fight against fear - prayer. When we pray for our significant other, for children, in some other cases, we entrust the situation to God, asking Him for help and protection. We are no longer alone in fighting our fear—the Lord is with us.

How to reduce the risk of adultery in our family to a minimum? Build good, warm relationships with our loved ones. Remember that spouses should live for each other, in each other’s interests, communicate, and spend time together. If there is peace, love and harmony in the family, no one will want to leave such a family and seek consolation on the side.

It was no coincidence that the man who came to me with a question about jealousy drew attention to the fact that suspicion began to overcome him when he felt that his relationship with his wife had become cooler, and it was not without reason that he saw a large share of his guilt in this. I told him that when we admit our mistakes and take some of the blame upon ourselves, it is easier for us to cope with jealousy. After all, now we know that we are also to blame for the current situation, which means we can fix a lot of things. I advised him to be more attentive to his wife, to devote more time to communication and conversations, because women expect from us not only material support, but also - first of all! – attention and understanding. And of course, prayer helps to cope with jealousy. We must turn to God so that He can help us cope with resentment (which is based on pride) and send peace and forgiveness to our family.

And we also need to remember that our jealousy, suspicion, scandals will not only never bring back our loved one, but will also destroy your relationship with him forever.

Let's return to the topic of adultery.

Now consider the case when the person who cheated wants to reconcile and return to the family. This process can also be long and difficult: not all spouses can forgive betrayal, and they can also be understood. Therefore, you need to be patient and follow some rules.

The first thing to do is go through confession. Before you can repent of your sin before your family, you need to repent of it before God. Second: do not force events, do not expect that the reunion will happen instantly: what has been destroyed sometimes for years (and betrayal is only the tip of the iceberg) cannot be restored overnight. We need to pray for reconciliation and be impartial to ourselves, understand that

in my behavior led to a breakup, what were my mistakes over the years of marriage. If your spouse does not agree to reconciliation, but there is hope for family reunification, there is no need to bother you with frequent calls and meetings, but you must try to ensure that the path between you does not become overgrown. You need to prove that you have really changed not with words, but with deeds - words will have little effect.

On the website “,” which provides assistance to people who have experienced separation from their loved ones, a letter was posted from one man who cheated on his wife, but realized his sin and reconciled with her. He provides some advice for people in a similar situation:

"1. No matter what trials come our way, don’t give up, fight and, most importantly, don’t drink and don’t give up.

2. Don’t beg anyone or humiliate yourself.

3. Don't give expensive gifts.

4. Do not turn to your wife’s friends for help.

5. Work on yourself, change, grow yourself and help others.

6. Break up on good terms, without burning any bridges behind you.

7. Forgive the person you love with love and gratitude. “To make mistakes is human, to forgive is divine.”

8. If possible, be with your family, the main thing is children, for them it is worth living.

9. Live and enjoy every day and remember: the past is not the future, it does not have to happen again..."

It is especially worth commenting on point 2. In the event of betrayal or a breakup, very often one side begins to humiliate itself, trying to reunite the family. This is a big mistake, especially on the part of a man. A humiliated, sobbing man is unattractive to a woman. More than once I had to talk with husbands whose spouses left for others. Many of them wanted their wives back so badly that they lost themselves: they humiliated them, begged them to return, annoyed them with phone calls and SMS messages, and showered them with expensive gifts and flowers. But they achieved the completely opposite result: their wives not only did not return, but generally ceased to respect them.

Forgiveness and family restoration is a very difficult, long work, and if the spouses decide to do it, then God will help them. Thank God, there are many cases when, after betrayal or separation, spouses reunited. But only then will the reunion be not formal, but very successful, when they learn a lesson from this difficult episode of their lives, use it as a reason to rethink, reevaluate and improve their relationship.

(To be continued.)