What does it give to other people
Let's try to figure out the meaning of pity, sympathy, and empathy. When feeling sorry for another person, people are guided by the best intentions. They believe that at the same time they are to some extent elevated above those towards whom they show similar emotions. It turns out that pity humiliates a person? But is it possible to do this to other people? Subconsciously, those who are in a difficult life situation do not dream of pity or sympathy, but that they will be given good advice and help to cope with the problem.
Pity for the man
The stronger sex does not like it when women show such feelings towards them. Thinking through an essay on the topic “Pity humiliates a person,” it can be noted that the manifestation of such feelings is regarded by all men quite negatively. They are used to always feeling in control of current events. Men believe that female pity humiliates a person and deprives him of his dignity. What could this lead to? There are quite a few examples in history when serious battles arose because of harmless (at first glance) pity. Modern men, to whom the fair sex has shown sympathy, often become chronic alcoholics; they lose the desire to change their lives and deal with problems. They specifically try to evoke a feeling of pity in the people around them, so as not to struggle with all the vicissitudes of fate, but simply “go with the flow.”
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Is pity a good emotion? Is it always useful? Is it possible to insult or humiliate with your pity? For what reasons does it occur? Is it possible to feel sorry for strong people, or is it the lot of the weak to evoke pity? Where did this postulate come from that pity humiliates? I only feel sorry for the elderly and children. Age is something that is slowly killing us and is completely beyond our control. Otherwise, man is the master of his own destiny. Everything he has achieved, everything he has, he deserves and deserves it all. But how can one not feel sorry for a disabled person from the Chechen war? Although no. I also feel sorry for the weak. Cats, dogs, all sorts of animals. My cat gave birth and screamed obscenities, you know how sorry I was for her. But I couldn’t help her in any way, and that’s why I was very sorry. Do they regret their own weakness? What about the “outcasts,” the “black sheep” whom everyone humiliates? I feel sorry for them too. But sometimes this pity leads to aggression. Also from your own weakness? Because there is not enough inner strength and courage to speak out against the crowd in defense? Aggression indirectly breeds aggression. Do they only pity the weak? A strong person does not evoke feelings of pity, even if everything is completely bad for him. You look at him and understand: “He can handle it.” We don’t like it when they complain, when they “pressure for pity.” There is a nuance here, as I see it. When a person complains, he provokes an emotion. “They press for pity” - we are already provoked not so much by emotion, but by its result. But we don't like to be used. What if it’s self-pity? Oh, this is my favorite chewing gum. Since you won’t feel sorry for yourself, no one will feel sorry for you. The main thing is to start. Then the snowball grows very quickly. And now she’s all covered in tears and snot. So I didn't understand. In my brain I understand that there is nothing wrong with pity, but I internally shudder and feel nauseous when I find myself in the shoes of the one being pitied. Because I know that I am strong and that I can handle this. And there are people with whom you can afford to be weak. Because it is weak. Because I want to dial the number and whine: “I’m scared...” And hear in response: “Little one, don’t cry, everything will be fine, I promise.” And you understand: everything will really be fine, because he regrets. For real. I did not remain indifferent, I experienced an emotion akin to regret (yes, these words have the same root), sympathy, condolences. https://www.livejournal.ru/themes/id/7637
Series of messages “Our Surroundings - 3 -“:
Part 1 - .... an interesting moment.. Part 2 - from the book by Philip Bogachev *Pickup* ... Part 20 - Why are we so angry? Part 21 - Infantilism... confidently walks across the planet. About love, marriage, men and women - without snot. Only truth. Part 22 - Why pity is humiliating Part 23 - Don't be a duck, be an eagle! Part 24 - Self-deception. How we love it! ... Part 43 - Never deal with poor people! Part 44 - People who confidently walk through life are united by a special view of the world. Part 45 - Learn NOT to LIKE people, try to think for yourself
Compassion and pity
When thinking through an essay on the topic “Pity humiliates a person,” it is important to find the line between compassion and a feeling of pity. If a person experiences such a feeling, he does not have the strength to find a way to help another person. The generosity that arises from this corrupts the one to whom it is intended. Indian wisdom says that “pity gives rise to suffering, and love is given by goodness.” Compassion presupposes a sincere desire to help a person who finds himself in a difficult life situation. At the same time, the interlocutor is perceived as an equal, and full respect for his feelings, emotions, and experiences is maintained. Compassionate, people perceive other people's misfortune as their own, so they strive to reduce it by any means. It turns out that pity humiliates a person and deprives him of the opportunity to look for ways out of the current situation. By focusing on the desire to help, rather than searching for solutions to the problem, people show passive pity, which creates sadness and pain. Compassion is an active feeling that allows you to find a solution to a problem.
Pity for yourself and others
Recently I was asked why people feel sorry for themselves. And how to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I have been thinking about this topic since then and just can’t approach it. Because the topic is subtle and complex.
On the one hand, I know people who have little self-pity. They can be cruel both to themselves and to others. Including in difficult situations. They are demanding, dry, and cold.
On the other hand, self-pity can be destructive. I remember the words of a man at one of the lectures I gave. The man said: “If I feel sorry for myself too much, then it won’t be long before I feel so sorry that I will lose the desire to do something and even live.”
And indeed, if a person feels sorry for himself too much, it paralyzes the will. This will not necessarily lead to him losing his zest for life and wanting to die. This can lead to conflicts with loved ones. Since a person who feels sorry for himself often expects those around him to also feel sorry for him or spare him, to be careful and attentive. He becomes demanding of others. Also, because of self-pity, a person begins to take too much care of himself and stops performing those actions that are necessary for his well-being. So, I know a person who, due to self-pity, harms his health and well-being. He has a disease, due to the fact that it is difficult for him, it hurts, he does not do exercises that would help improve his health. It's sad to see. A person chooses to lead a limited life instead of overcoming himself.
An example from my life: after a divorce, I was very sad and felt sorry for myself. I didn’t want to pull myself together in order to improve my life. She did nothing to stop suffering, and remained in this suffering for a long time. Because of self-pity, it seemed to me that I could not do anything, that I was capable of little, and that I felt powerless. And I became such a “victim of circumstances,” although, of course, I could not be called a victim of circumstances. Because the divorce was on my initiative.
There must be a balance. A complete lack of self-pity is not very good, simply because there are situations where you need to take care of yourself, worry about yourself. There is no need to run headlong into the embrasure when you are already wounded. When you already need to worry about yourself, save yourself.
And when self-pity makes a person feel powerless, like a small child who cannot tie his shoelaces. This is another extreme. There is no need to feed your desire to feel sorry for yourself. Some toughness with yourself is necessary.
Self-pity is easy to confuse with compassion. There is a fine line between them. We feel sorry for people who are incompetent in some way. Unable to do anything. Pity for others and self-pity comes from a certain arrogance. When we feel sorry for someone, we put ourselves above that person. Self-pity comes from an arrogant attitude towards oneself. To your condition, to your behavior, to your character traits. We consider ourselves pathetic, while losing inner harmony and increasing internal conflict and dissatisfaction with ourselves. Pity can be without warmth, it can be with disdain, disgust.
There may be pity and regret that this happened. Sometimes they say cruel things about someone being pitiful.
Sympathy is empathy. They pity those who are pitiful. They sympathize with those with whom they are in an equal relationship. We sympathize with others when we have either experienced something similar or are interested in another person and want to share their feelings. There is no superiority in empathy. Compassion is born from a warm and equal attitude towards another person or towards oneself.
The question I was asked was: “How can I stop feeling sorry for myself?”
I suggest noticing how you begin to feel sorry for yourself, how you get into this process. There may be certain events that trigger this reaction. Feeling sorry for ourselves, we forget about our strength and ability to influence the situation. Try to notice that you are not completely powerless, that you can still act in this situation. I recently came up with this way for myself to combat impotence - I start cleaning. When I see how, as a result of my actions, it becomes cleaner and more comfortable, I understand that I am not powerless in everything. And little by little I begin to remember what else I am capable of. Come up with a way for yourself that will help you fight powerlessness. As an option, you can seek support from people who can remind you of your capabilities and strengths.
Let’s say that if a woman is abandoned by a man, she considers it unfair and feels sorry for herself. This woman can remember what contribution she made to this relationship, which annoyed the man that he decided to leave. The feeling that a person is not white and fluffy is a great cure for self-pity. Sobering. However, here you also need to refrain from self-recrimination - the task is to remember what a person did in a relationship that was offensive to a partner, but not to blame yourself for it. Otherwise, you will begin to worsen your condition in other ways.
If you tend to feel sorry for another person, it means that you observe his weakness and forget about his strength. Every person has strengths and weaknesses. Observe what this person is strong in, how he shows perseverance, what valuable skills he has, what contribution he makes to this situation. This way you can notice that the person is not a victim of circumstances, he has made and will still be able to make his contribution to the situation. Perhaps, having noticed this, you will want to feel sorry less and sympathize more. This exercise is especially useful for those who like to save others.
Even if a person is broken or physically injured and cannot be independent as before. Pity will not be useful to this person. It is better to treat him as a person who has experienced the loss of part of his abilities, but, nevertheless, is capable of being somewhat independent. When a person experiences loss of opportunity or the physical loss of a leg or arm, he himself experiences a feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. Often in such situations we feel sorry and strive to help in any way we can. The pity of others can deepen the feelings of the traumatized. It is better to allow him, where he can, to act independently. And if you continue to help him, a lot, even what he himself can do, it will damage not only his self-esteem, but also his ability to survive. If suddenly he doesn’t receive the usual help. There needs to be a balance in helping.
And that’s why I’m more for sympathy rather than pity. And for reasonable help.
Let me summarize. If you feel sorry for yourself or another person, and this feeling is intense. This means that you do not notice your strengths or the strengths of another person. Look at yourself or another person as if with one eye. Remind yourself of this and you can learn to sympathize rather than feel sorry. And you might want to feel more in control of your life. Or you can support another person with your compassionate attitude.
And that’s all I have for today. Thank you for your attention.
How to eliminate pity
If a person dreams of causing a similar feeling in the people around him, he voluntarily agrees to be a victim in their eyes. Having fallen into the nets set by him, the pityer tries to show love and understanding, but in reality he finds himself in a destructive whirlpool, and considers himself obligated to help those who need pity. Do you think pity humiliates a person? A miniature essay on this topic is offered to those patients who seek help. By analyzing the patient’s attitude towards himself and other people, a professional psychologist tries to understand the “roots of the problems” and find options for solving the situation.
With sincere compassion, there is no talk of narcissism; it implies mercy, care, and attention. If a person does not accept feelings of pity, this does not mean that he is callous and evil by nature. The habit of “regret” is a negative quality; instead of positive emotions, encouraging another person to take active action, it leads to the exchange of destructive energy. By enjoying pity, you do not allow another person to seek strength and opportunity to take responsibility for their life and their actions.
Instead, it is important to understand how you can help the person you feel sorry for. Sometimes it’s enough just to find words to cheer you up and restore confidence in your strengths and capabilities.
What is the reason for the appearance of a victim complex?
Very few people “fall” into a victim mentality for no reason. Often the root of the problem lies deep within and can be related to several factors.
Trauma of the past
Not everyone who experiences a traumatic event in life becomes a “victim,” but people respond to adversity differently. Emotional pain can disrupt a person's sense of control, contributing to feelings of helplessness. And, in the end, tired of the struggle, a person gives up.
Betrayal
When we are betrayed, especially in childhood, growing up, it is very difficult for us to trust anyone. A total lack of trust can also be the cause of the appearance of a victim complex.
Codependency
A dependent person may sacrifice their goals for the sake of supporting their partner. As a result, he will feel frustrated and resentful because he is not getting his needs met. At the same time, such a person does not admit that he himself is to blame for the current situation.
