“White Crow”: how individuals can survive in a team
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© Larisa Voloshina
“I constantly ask myself why people are not inspired by my achievements. What are they all afraid of?
I must say that this was not easy to admit. But this is where my strength lies. I had to accept that my strength, my accomplishments, and my way of getting through and surviving was not inspiring to other people. People don't accept it and are afraid of it.
I think people are afraid to think for themselves, fight for themselves and try to achieve their dreams. They are frightened by those who succeed.
We live in a world, in a society where success is regarded as weakness. Like something to be ashamed of.
Many people are terrified of failure. And when they see other people's success - I think it's human nature - they want to destroy it. In order to feel better about themselves, they try to reduce other people's success to their level."
These words belong to Madonna. The most influential and most successful pop singer in the world said them in one of her interviews.
In response to the remark that over the years of her career she had managed to accustom the public to the idea that she did not care how people treated her, Madonna said: “I’m just a good actress.”
Don’t you hear in these revelations of the mega-pop diva the pain of a loner, constantly forced to prove that he is worthy of someone’s respect?
Surely many people also know what it’s like to be “different” everywhere and always out of place. We are talking about a person who is labeled by others as “not ours,” “stranger,” “other.”
Let's talk about "white crows".
The team always strives for uniformity and orderliness. And the personality burns with the desire to be unique.
The conflict between the desire to “be like everyone else” and the fear of “no different from others” was described by Erich Fromm in his studies of authoritarianism.
He derived two levels of community organization.
The first is collectivism itself. The principle here is: “Be with us - become like us.”
The second is a solidary community consisting of different individuals. Such a group is characterized by a tolerant attitude towards each individual. She seems to proclaim: “You are not like us, so be with us. We accept you as you accept each of us.”
To be part of a collective, as Fromm understood it, an individual must fit himself into a common standard. A solidary community unites individuals and thereby enriches and strengthens itself.
How do we come to the conclusion that a particular community is right for us?
When we watch a military column at a parade, we are struck by its numbers, coherence, and orderliness of the ranks. We perceive such a community as strong because the thousands in it act as one.
But when we observe other associations - intellectual clubs, universities, public organizations - a “sign of quality” for us is the presence of as many famous personalities as possible among its members. This is where the thought comes in: “If someone thinks this is a worthy community, then I also want to be a member.”
Each individual chooses both collectivism and solidarity himself, based on his own preferences.
But the relationship between the individual and the collective is more complex. In the context of drama between the individual and the collective, the tale of the ugly duckling is often recalled.
Remember how the whole chicken coop poisoned a little chick just because he was a swan?
This picture causes outrage. How geese impose standards of beauty and behavior on the descendants of free birds. Chickens, geese, swans... The choice of all the ugly ducklings of the planet is obvious.
Reading a fairy tale, people sympathize with the loner. But do they actually do this?
This story is perceived as a story about the dictates of dullness over an elegant creature.
But what if it was about the misadventures of a duckling in a swan's nest?
If it were the swans who pinched the baby because it was a “Zamora” and not worthy of the title of royal bird?
The reason why the community does not accept singles is always their difference. And here elite groups are no less cruel than marginal associations.
Being a black sheep means feeling inadequate.
Psychologist Robert Cialdini explains why the team rejects those who are capable of demonstrative violation of generally accepted rules.
In his work “The Psychology of Influence,” he describes an experiment where at a busy intersection a special person must first stop, like other passers-by, and then stand out from the crowd and cross the street at a red traffic light.
In one case, the experimenter must be dressed in an expensive suit, in the other he must be wearing worker's clothing. Psychologists noticed that a well-dressed man was much more readily followed by other people at an intersection.
So is it any wonder that established social groups are not only wary of those who stand out, but also try to oppose them?
It is not for nothing that authoritarian regimes and dictators hunt individualists, defame them and contrast them with “good conformists.” Containing the success of the individual for the collective is a matter of maintaining unity.
The logic here is simple. If everyone starts recording albums with three hundred million copies, or goes in search of Shambhala, then who will work on the collective farm?
A continuous red carpet is conceptually incompatible with the struggle to increase milk yield. Therefore, when it seems to you that those around you are not contributing to your self-realization, in many cases it does not seem that way to you.
Loneliness in a crowd is always unbearable. And it doesn’t matter why a person is being obstructed.
Most people make a very simple choice: break down and adapt to general standards, or fight against them all their lives.
Therefore, you can learn to be different and at the same time not lose your friends, relatives and acquaintances?
Can. But, this is much more complicated than it might seem at first glance.
You need to start with yourself. How many times, when you felt rejected, did you console yourself that it was out of envy or because you were superior?
How many times have you attributed everything to envy?
Think about it, do you respect the team that does not want to perceive you as an equal?
Do you see the interesting in those people who do not want to acknowledge you?
The path of the “black sheep” to a self-sufficient person begins with the realization that there are no “worst and best.” Another is just another.
Being a high-functioning black sheep means simply being. There is no need to try to change yourself to fit the expectations of others. It is worth forgiving yourself for some imperfections.
The “white crow” often falls into the trap of deciding to become flawless. Like, it will be impossible not to love her. If in order to maintain a relationship you stop being yourself, then are you really loved and appreciated? Stop proving yourself worthy.
Think about the fact that when you are called to be the best, they immediately make you understand: “Friend, you, of course, are a good person, but I don’t like you that way.” Isn't it humiliating to constantly be reminded by your loved ones that they are there for you in advance? What you have in common with them is a big indulgence on their part.
Stop competing to be the best bird in the coop. This is not rational, and sometimes it can be dangerous. Through bullying, others encourage the individual to join the fight and begin to try to earn respect for himself.
Every “black sheep” must remember that in the world of broilers, the best birds are the first to appear on the festive table. As dinner.
The secret is to learn to defend your individuality, principles and values not only from critics, but also from those who constantly expect more from you.
Madonna in her interview calls “strength” her awareness that human nature is what it is. It is useless to try to remake the team for yourself.
So what will be the sign of a successfully resolved conflict between the personal and the collective?
You must determine the degree of intimacy and set barriers. It is your right to ask your loved ones not to touch on certain topics or not to cross boundaries.
Unless, of course, they want to maintain the relationship as much as you do.
If not... It's more difficult.
But there is a way out here too. Ask yourself the question: “Do I want to maintain a relationship with a person who ignores my persistent requests?” If people around you don't accept you despite trying to establish healthy relationships with them, then maybe this is just not your community?
A multifaceted personality is capable of functioning on many levels: personal, collective and solidarity. Try to find a safe emotional distance with everyone that will be comfortable for both of you.
People may be different from you. But there is always something to talk about over a cup of tea.
You could go on reconnaissance with someone without hesitation, but going to the supermarket with the same person turns into hell. So, don't go to the supermarket with him.
Appreciate reliability, sincerity, simplicity and depth. Not in one person, but in many.
Larisa Voloshina, psychologist, TV presenter, “UP.Life”
