14 Jun02398
Ekaterina Burmistrova: The couple experienced a “drive to the left.” After a serious crisis, people decided to maintain their relationship and stay together. This decision was not easy for them. But they really want to be together. And they can’t. Does not work. This is a text about the “post-operative” stage in the life of a family that has experienced a serious shock - betrayal.
Avoid excessive feelings of guilt, realizing what led to the betrayal.
Forgetting, starting over with a new leaf, as if nothing had happened, is impossible in most cases known to me. This is very offensive for the one who was not the “initiator of what happened” and is not useful for the one with whom the infidelity occurred.
But an excessive feeling of guilt “as a result of what has been done” can, like an unhealed wound, deplete the potential of a relationship.
I have repeatedly had the opportunity to listen to men’s stories about their own - not at all joyful. You cannot envy the experiences of someone who was unfaithful and decided to stay.
If the “offended party” continues to be constantly offended, in word, deed, facial expressions, and silent reminders of what happened, this is unlikely to help revive the relationship.
It is impossible and pointless to give advice, because each situation is absolutely unique. And people, as a rule, know much better than any experts and specialists what to do with their own lives.
But resentment and bitterness cloud the eyes...
I think every couple going through a similar test needs to understand what the right amount of memories and references to what happened is for them.
Why do people take risks and decide to cheat?
Adultery is a leading cause of divorce and relationship breakdown. Both men and women find it difficult to come to terms with their partner’s deception and betrayal, which is why divorce occurs.
Research has identified the following 7 reasons as the main reasons for being unfaithful to your partner:
Read more: Why is love, as we think, just an illusion?
New feelings
Sometimes lack of feelings in a relationship leads to an extramarital affair. More than 3/4 of married couples surveyed reported that a lack of love and/or tender feelings for a “new” partner is a good reason for cheating.
Boredom
Infidelity is not only a response to a problem in a marriage, but also a response to boredom. 74% of couples surveyed admitted that they want variety in their relationships. Most often, it is the man who becomes bored in a relationship, which is why he tries to find new feelings on the side.
Neglect
Some people start cheating due to lack of attention to them. It is women who suffer from lack of attention in a couple, which is why they begin to cheat on their partner.
Bad habit - alcohol
Not every betrayal is the result of dissatisfaction with your relationship. 70% of respondents said that the betrayal happened by accident, for example, when they were intoxicated.
Increased self-esteem
Cheating on a partner can have a significant impact on a person's psychological well-being, and for some people, infidelity can actually boost the ego and self-esteem.
Fury, anger, anger
This is not the most common reason, but it is a significant reason for cheating. Many partners try to take revenge on their significant other by cheating and deceiving. It seems to them that this is a sure way to anger and cause mental pain to a person.
Strong sexual desire
About a third of respondents said they had an affair because they felt a strong sexual attraction to another person. This happens when people in relationships don't talk about their sexual preferences and the desires they want to experience, so they look for something in the other person that they can't get.
Related posts:
What to do if a girl cheated with her ex?
How to change your life
How to Maintain Attraction and Passion in a Marriage
What should we call what happened?
It is very important in the first year after “episodes of infidelity” were discovered.
It seems to me that for a couple who has decided to restore a relationship, it is very important to choose the right, not offensive, but not too easy words to describe what happened.
My term “cheating episodes” is not universal. Perhaps it is suitable for those cases where the parallel connection was one-time, unintentional, accidental.
In general, each couple may need to agree on a unique word or phrase that does not re-traumatize.
“This story”… “then” - and many other variations exist.
It is useful to remember that “Whatever you name a yacht, that’s how it will sail.”
And if the name sounds offensive to the one who is “guilty” or too easy for the “victim,” this can give rise to a lot of new and very painful reasons for disagreement.
In general, if people decide to maintain a relationship - to try to maintain a relationship - then understanding the situation strictly in terms of “culprit” - “victim” is not the most working. If there is only one culprit, then the second one has nothing to do with it.
The topic of sharing responsibility should be completed by the time it is decided that the spouses remain together.
There is no need to gloss over or belittle what happened. But if you decide to try to move on with your life, it is important that your actions and words do not indicate otherwise.
Reproaches, insults, constant reminders
Bitter, hurtful words. Most often, they are involuntary, leaving the lips imperceptibly... They are most likely an expression of pain and bitterness, again accumulating inside.
Just like a deep wound during the healing period requires careful observation, treatment, and washing, so the scar (wound) of betrayal will make itself felt for a long time.
If a couple decides to maintain a relationship, they must give the opportunity to restore love.
Asking God to restore it is an opportunity for believers. Not everyone has it.
People who have completely stopped loving each other; They don’t understand why they are together - it’s hardly possible to restore anything.
Whether your love, your relationship, can withstand infidelity is an open question.
Physiological dissatisfaction
Couples who live together for a long time often have problems of a sexual nature. Sex becomes irregular, there is no passion in it, or even there is no passion. Naturally, the human body needs to receive a sufficient dose of hormones and satisfy its desires. This is especially important for women.
During the period of ovulation, a woman's craving for lovemaking is a widespread phenomenon. It is due to the fact that it is during this period that the possibility of conceiving a child is equal to seventy percent.
Subconsciously, the female body requires sex precisely for this. On such days, it is extremely difficult for a girl to control herself. And if there are problems with her husband, and there is a “friend” nearby who is ready to do anything just to console her, then betrayal cannot be avoided. And the girl’s fault is only fifty percent; it’s hard to argue with physiology.
Read more: Problems in the family - how to deal with them
People also cheat because they cannot do otherwise. Social stereotypes, friends and one’s own thinking have laid such a powerful foundation in a person’s subconscious that he firmly believes that cheating is normal.
Most often, betrayal is thoughtless and stupid. A person may drink too much or become carried away by a young lady, forgetting about the consequences that await him. This is true, no one spends hours building a plan “How to cheat on your wife.”
In short, the stages are as follows:
“victim” - the period of learning about the betrayal and the first time after.
“survivor” - an indefinite period of time after the initial shock of the news has passed and the spouses have decided to maintain the relationship
“living life to the fullest” is a time when the trail of betrayal has almost no effect on the personal well-being of everyone and the relationship in a couple. Is it possible to achieve this kind of state?
It is quite possible that yes.
I am not a fan of all sorts of periodizations and standards relating to the lives of adults.
The person may well be unable or unwilling to move to the next stage of coping with the trauma.
It is quite possible that someone feels that they must remain unhappy. and that the degree of unhappiness should not decrease.
There are no “standards” for how a person’s experiences should be structured. Especially when it comes to trauma situations.
So all the stages, periodizations are about those and for those who want to get out of the situation of trauma and move on along the path of life.
And I can say, no longer as a specialist, but as a person trying to be a believer - in these days and months, a person really needs God’s help.
Help is always needed. But often it is precisely when it is very difficult that a person asks for Help and receives it. And later, when the most acute pain subsides, but the “trauma” has not yet been overcome, a person can find himself in such life spaces from where it is very difficult to ask for help.
In cases, for example, of depression - and in the post-traumatic period they can set in - it is not easy for a person to remember that help is, in principle, possible. Traumatic situations isolate us from other people. I think it is very important to ensure that the threads of connections - friendly, human, whatever - do not weaken.
Male “everything is fine with us” as a coping strategy
A man who says “everything is fine with us, everything is normal” during a period when everything is not good at all does not necessarily ignore what is happening. This reaction can be classic denial. But perhaps for the husband this is part of the “rescue plan” - to avoid mention of betrayal, not to delve into feelings and cause-and-effect relationships. If this is combined with an admission of one’s own guilt and responsibility, with repentance not only in words, with a cessation of this type of behavior, then this “all is well” may well work. Time must pass... What time is unknown. But after about six months, a year and a half, it becomes clear whether it is possible to continue living together, or whether this is complete mutual torment.
Adultery: criteria for assessing its threat to marriage
Adultery: criteria for assessing its threat to marriage. Betrayal is one of the most difficult events in the life of a family. What’s especially painful is that no one can ever be psychologically prepared for the betrayal of their “other half.” Even if it seems to a person that this is so, nevertheless, after receiving exact confirmation of the spouse’s betrayal, a strong shock inevitably follows. Usually, this prevents you from objectively assessing the nature and severity of the betrayal that occurred, does not allow you to quickly make a decision about the fate of the relationship, or develop the correct strategy for communicating with the guilty partner.
Another thing is a psychologist. Since working with betrayal in a relationship is a daily practice in the work of a psychologist, this forces us to immediately develop specific methods for assessing it and general principles for responding to various types of betrayal. Because “ adultery in general,” like “murder in general,” does not exist in principle. Everyone knows: there is “intentional murder with mercenary motives with aggravating circumstances”, “intentional murder without mercenary motives with mitigating circumstances”, “murder by negligence”, “murder in self-defense”, “murder in a state of passion (for example, what happened during an outbreak jealousy)”, etc. Accordingly, there is also “intentional treason with mercenary motives with aggravating circumstances”, “intentional treason without mercenary motives”, “unintentional treason due to negligence”, “treason under duress”, “treason for revenge”, “serial treason”, “one-time treason” ", "cheating with several partners at once", "virtual betrayal", etc.
Just as prosecutors and judges analyze a murder, trying to understand and evaluate the logic of what happened, so a psychologist analyzes adultery, trying to understand its ins and outs, and make a decision on each of the nuances of what happened. For the convenience of analysis, I personally, in my work, have long come to the use of the “Table of 15 criteria for the express assessment of adultery” that I created.
But before you get acquainted with it, I ask you to consider three nuances:
- firstly, we are talking specifically about adultery within the family, and not just in some “relationship” with an uncertain status and direction;
- secondly, this table is most effective when assessing a young family under five years of experience (especially without children), that is, where a large number of events have not yet accumulated that require a special assessment by a psychologist;
- thirdly, the table is universal - it is equally applicable to assessing both male and female infidelity. Although, for a deeper consideration of the specifics of male and female psychology, I have other, more detailed methods described in my books and articles on the website www.zberovski.ru
I would like to immediately answer those “hot heads” who, based on the title of the article, will indignantly tell me: “What criteria can we talk about for assessing adultery, if the very fact of detected infidelity should automatically lead to divorce?” Of course, being a maximalist, you can think like that. This is everyone's personal matter. But due to the high prevalence of betrayal in our time, life forces us to approach betrayal with a high degree of differentiation and assessment of what is happening. Otherwise, a large number of such families, which still can be helped, will fall apart. It is to help just such families that my table of criteria for assessing the threat of infidelity to a marriage was created.
Therefore, without claiming to be the ultimate truth, I am simply sharing with you some tools in the work of a psychologist. So:
No. 15 criteria for express assessment of the threat to marriage according to the method of psychologist Andrei Zberovsky -/+
1. Have this couple developed clear criteria for what is considered cheating, accepted by both spouses?
2 What exactly happened, are there clear facts that allow us to draw clear conclusions about treason?
3. The degree of regularity or randomness of betrayal specifically for the person who cheated: how logically this offense fits into his (her) life before marriage, whether it is typical for him (her) or not.
4. The degree of regularity or randomness of betrayal specifically for a given family/couple as a whole and the relationships within it.
5. The degree of guilt in the person’s betrayal of his/her other half.
6. The degree of intentionality (planned) or accidental (unexpected) betrayal for the cheating partner and its duration.
7. The identity of the person with whom the betrayal occurred and the circumstances of the betrayal.
8. The nature of the motives for betrayal: sexual, related to communication, with the desire to create another family and/or have a child, career, prestigious, selfish, revenge, pressure, etc.
9. The nature and specifics of the person who cheated on what happened: how he/she behaved after the betrayal, whether the person stopped at one episode or continued the relationship. Plans of the cheater/her for the coming years.
10. Mitigating or aggravating circumstances of betrayal: Spending time and money on communication, family priority, attitude towards children, rudeness, violence, double life, etc.
11. How helpful is the cheater in the investigation of his/her infidelity: a quick full confession or denial?
12. The degree of repentance after revealing betrayal: is guilt admitted or not and does everything aggressively fall on other people?
13. Is the person who cheated ready to apply disciplinary, material, financial (etc.) punishment to himself or not?
14. Is the cheater ready to radically change his behavior in order to alleviate the partner’s pain and eliminate the conditions for a similar situation to repeat in the future or not?
15. Has the cheating person’s behavior improved after
reconciliation, whether he/she fulfills his/her obligations, whether the “other half” has become morally comfortable.
Total: + (for preserving the family) – …, — (for divorce) – ……
Working with my table is not difficult. You analyze one or another aspect of infidelity and put a plus (+) or minus (-) sign in the rightmost column, where (-) is a signal for divorce, and (+) is a chance to save the marriage. The set of pros and cons will help you fully and objectively evaluate what happened and make a balanced (and not furious) decision about the prospects and fate of this relationship.
I will give you short examples of analysis to fill out my table.
1. Have this couple developed clear criteria for what is considered adultery, accepted by both spouses? If the criteria have been developed and voiced, then this is a minus (-) for the cheater(s). Because the man was aware of what he was doing and where he was going.
If, for example, the couple did not agree to consider intimate correspondence with a stranger from another city as treason (or returning from a corporate party in the morning and disheveled, or driving to someone in the evening in a car while drinking alcohol), then for now you can put plus (+) and after taking certain disciplinary measures to forgive. But having received this signal about the absence of clear rules of play in a couple, it is now important to quickly develop criteria for betrayal that are accepted by everyone and warn the partner that in the future there will be no forgiveness for him/her.
2. What exactly happened, are there clear facts that allow us to draw clear conclusions about adultery? If you have at your disposal photos and videos of intimate correspondence or photographs, or you personally caught a couple during erotic games, or money was spent on another person, or gifts from a lover or hundreds of calls and SMS, and the cheating partner denies everything, then this is a minus (-) for the cheater(s). But it is important to understand: in psychology, as in judicial practice, there is a presumption of innocence. If you only have naked jealousy and fantasies at your disposal, I advise you to either put a plus (+) and save the family, or not to rush into a conversation with a partner who raises doubts about his integrity until a full-fledged investigation is carried out and truly irrefutable evidence of betrayal is obtained. I will say more: a scandal without arguments not only leads to the defeat of a jealous spouse, but also increases both the likelihood of continuation of the existing betrayal and the occurrence of betrayal in principle. After all, a jealous person without facts in his hands will always be laughed at behind his back.
3. The degree of regularity or randomness of adultery specifically for the person who cheated: how logically this offense fits into his (her) life before marriage, whether it is typical for him (her) or not. If the cheating partner has already given you many reasons for jealousy or, once, has already been forgiven for a past betrayal, then this is a minus (-) for the cheater(s) and a step towards divorce. If the sad incident that happened is the first in the history of your “half,” I advise you to forgive (of course, if there are other pluses from the table), put a plus (+) and save the family.
4. The degree of regularity or randomness of betrayal specifically for a given family/couple as a whole and the relationships within it. If the couple had a cold or scandalous relationship, there were many unresolved problematic issues, there was a disregard for both spouses towards their relationship and common future, then no matter how surprising it may sound, I advise you to put a plus (+) and save the family. Because, in this case, the betrayal was natural and the mutual experiences of the partners about it can create a fundamentally new starting situation for the revival of the family (if they, of course, want it themselves).
If the married couple was outwardly idyllic, there were no big problems and the spouses outwardly communicated very warmly with each other, then the betrayal is doubly outrageous, and here I personally put a minus (-) for the cheater(s). Since it becomes unclear how one can trust such a two-faced person in the future, after reconciliation.
5. The degree of guilt in the adultery of the person of his/her other half. If the spouse who found out about the betrayal of his “half” himself gave reasons for jealousy, or cheated on himself, or beat and undeservedly insulted his “half”, was a parasite, dependent on the opinions of parents/friends, avoided making important decisions family problems, then I consider such a person directly or indirectly guilty of cheating on his partner. In this case, I advise you to put a plus (+), draw the right conclusions from what happened and save the family.
If the person who was cheated on behaved generally correctly and there are no serious complaints against him/her, then I personally give a minus (-) for the cheater(s). Since, again, it becomes unclear how one can trust in the future such a person who commits treason, despite the fact that he is married to a very worthy partner.
6. The degree of intentionality (planned) or accidental (unexpected) betrayal for the cheating partner and its duration. If a husband or wife saw a clear movement of their “other half” towards cheating, tried to pull the person back and appealed to his/her decency and rationality, asked him to stop in time before making a mistake, then I personally give a definite minus (-) for the cheater(s) . I also appreciate if the cheater deliberately registered on a dating site; secretly corresponded or met with someone with whom the betrayal subsequently occurred; accepted or gave gifts, exchanged erotic texts, photos and videos; paid special attention to his appearance and sexuality (stockings, lingerie, etc.). And the very fact of a long-term relationship, which includes many episodes of personal and intimate meetings, also makes me give it a minus (-). Because there is clearly an intention behind all this.
If we are talking about a one-time betrayal that occurred spontaneously and, for example, while intoxicated or after many months of intimate abstinence (due to the fault of a partner), then I am inclined to give the couple a chance and put a plus (+) in the right column. Because the percentage of intent here is minimal.
7. The identity of the person with whom the betrayal occurred and the very circumstances of the adultery. In practice, there are often betrayals that are more like coercion. For example, when a bandit, a leader/founder or an official or other official who has a corresponding reputation as a brutal lustful rapist and threatens sanctions such as dismissal, internal investigation, failure to provide proper assistance, blackmail, violence, etc., is forced to commit treason. In this case, if there is betrayal, but there is no warmth and comfortable communication behind it, I am inclined to advise giving it a chance and giving it a plus (+). Except, of course, for those cases when an episode of betrayal occurred in a sauna, a nightclub, at home or at the dacha of the person who invited you, a hotel, in the office after work, etc. That is, when the very setting of the place for the scheduled meeting clearly showed what kind of format of future communication would be discussed.
If the other party to adultery is an ordinary person (regardless of social status and income level), who does not have tools for pressure that could be refused, no matter how many signs of attention he/she shows, but the the beginning of the relationship clearly showed the personal interest of the cheating spouse in their development, then my position is firmly aimed at a negative assessment of the incident and setting a minus (-).
8. The nature of the motives for adultery (sexual, related to communication, the desire to create another family and/or have a child, career, prestigious, selfish, revenge, pressure, etc.) . If we are talking about sex for the sake of sex (in conditions of complete ignorance of this area by the “legal other half”), or the birth of a child (if the partner can be active in childbearing, but fundamentally does not want and does not make any effort), revenge for that partner’s betrayal, in which he/she never admitted, or under conditions of unbearable pressure, I am inclined to advise giving a chance and putting a plus (+). Of course, with appropriate repentance and improvement of behavior.
If adultery occurred out of a desire for communication, sexual experimentation, for receiving gifts and fun leisure time, for career growth, for creating a new family, then my position is firmly aimed at a negative assessment of the incident and setting a minus (-). Building a bright future with such a partner is problematic.
9. The nature and specifics of the person who cheated on what happened: how he/she behaved after the betrayal, whether the person stopped at one episode or continued the relationship. Plans of the cheater/her for the coming years. If, after the betrayal happened, the offender himself excluded new sexual stories, voluntarily repented to his “half,” or (even without confessing) noticeably improved his own family behavior, I consider it right to forgive and put a plus (+).
If the first sex on the side was followed by a continuation, or the actions of the cheater clearly show far-reaching plans for long-term maintenance of communication, planning for the future (joint trips on weekends, vacation together) or creating a new family (purchasing a home or renting)
my position is firmly aimed at a negative assessment of the incident and setting a minus (-).
10. Mitigating or aggravating circumstances of adultery: Spending time and money on communication, family priority, attitude towards children, rudeness, violence, double life, etc.
If the cheating partner brought other people’s gifts into the house, or spent significant sums of money on his lover, thereby robbing the family, or did not succeed as a mother/father, communicated disgustingly with his “half” and children (beat, insulted , left, hung up, did not pick up the phone, etc.), infected with sexually transmitted diseases, had intimate relationships while preparing for pregnancy in the family, or during the pregnancy of the wife and breastfeeding the child, introduced her lover into the family’s social circle, my the position is firmly aimed at a negative assessment of the incident and setting a minus (-).
If the cheating partner, at the same time, behaved clearly positively in his family, conscientiously fulfilling all his male/female, financial, economic, parental (etc.) obligations, devoting all his free time to the family, thereby showing priority family, I think it’s right to forgive and put a plus (+). Of course, in the presence of repentance, immediate severance of the left connection, etc.
11.What is the cooperation of the cheating person in the investigation of his/her adultery: a quick full confession or denial? If, after you discovered the fact of betrayal, your guilty “half” did not play silent, immediately (or in a matter of hours or days) admitted to what he had done and asked for forgiveness, honestly disclosed all the circumstances of the left relationship and completely cut off all contacts with the cheating partner , I think it’s right to forgive and put a plus (+).
If your guilty “half”, despite the obvious facts incriminating her/his, stubbornly lies to you that there is no betrayal, or admits this only after many days or weeks, or cannot immediately stop communicating with the “left” partner, asks “to give time to sort yourself out and say goodbye,” offers to live apart for some time, leaves home, rushes back and forth from family to lover, or generally declares that breaking the left connection is her/his personal business and he /and will not report to you on this, my position is always very critical, aimed at a negative assessment of the incident and setting a minus (-).
12. The degree of repentance after the discovery of adultery: is guilt admitted or not and does everything aggressively fall on other people? If your cheating partner is able to admit his guilt, apologize to you, and do it as emotionally as possible and instill confidence in you with his sincerity, I think it’s right to give a plus (+) and give the relationship a chance. If a person, admitting the fact of betrayal or flirting, does not admit his guilt, or even blames everyone around him, but not himself, my assessment is strictly negative, I advise you to put a minus (-).
13. Is the person who cheated ready to apply disciplinary, material, financial (etc.) punishment to himself or not? If the cheating and exposed partner has a conscience, he/she can and should offer severe punishment for himself, or in any case, some kind of voluntary sanctions. For example: immediately voluntarily quit the job where the connection was formed. Or publicly (or over the phone) in front of your “half”, harshly tell your “left” partner that their relationship was a mistake, has completely ended and he/she loves only her husband/wife. Or, as punishment, transfer part of your real estate to your “half” or common child. Or draw up and sign a marriage contract, where the second party will have the best conditions. Or at least write a letter of guarantee, where the person admits his guilt in treason and undertakes to exclude such actions in the future. Or immediately offer to formalize the marriage (if the partners have not yet registered the relationship in the registry office). Or strengthen the marriage with a religious ceremony (if the spouses are believers). Or get into debt, but as quickly as possible solve some of those global family problems that have not been solved for a long time (buy an apartment, house, dacha, car, take a child to a resort for treatment, etc.). If the guilty partner went down this path, I think it’s right to put a plus (+) and give the relationship a chance.
If the person who cheated suggests “let’s just forget everything and live the same way as before, leaving everything as it is and gradually everything will calm down,” I consider this scheme incorrect and I advise you to put a minus (-). Because the moral calm of the person who cheated is always a continuation of the psychological drama for the one who was cheated on. And this is wrong.
14. Is the cheater ready to radically change his behavior in order to alleviate the partner’s pain and eliminate the conditions for a similar situation to repeat in the future or not? A fundamental change in a person's family behavior after his/her adultery is, for example:
— voluntary closure of your profiles on social networks;
- excluding from the list of friends on social networks all those persons who will raise questions from the partner;
— refusal to attend corporate events;
- refusal to participate in any personal meetings and parties without your family “half”;
— timely return home after work;
— spending weekends and holidays, vacations only with family;
— complete removal of passwords from the phone and social networks, refusal of secret phones and accounts;
— a guarantee that your partner’s calls will always be answered (including in video mode), and not dropped or silent;
- excluding your presence on dating sites and in those groups where active communication with personal overtones is possible;
- maintaining a regime of financial transparency in the family, when both spouses are aware of who earns and spends how much, agree on expenses, goals for general accumulation and where to store funds;
- introducing a regime of transparency of the day and social circle in the family, when spouses always know who is where, what they are doing and with whom they communicate;
— people who cause irritation, fear or suspicion in the marriage partner are removed from the spouses’ communication;
- partners promptly inform each other that someone is obsessively trying to gain their favor and ask for help to put the person in his place;
— spouses strive to build distinctly friendly relations with each other’s relatives;
- spouses pay increased attention to family intimate life;
— spouses strive to diversify family leisure and make it interesting;
- if there are children, spouses pay more attention to them;
— spouses try to communicate more with each other, doing it with warmth and interest, abandoning rudeness, violence and scandals.
If the guilty partner went down this path, I think it’s right to put a plus (+) and give the relationship a chance. If the cheater does not draw any conclusions from what happened, does not reduce the risks of new betrayals and does not try to improve the mood of his loved one, I advise you to put a minus (-).
15. Has the behavior of the cheating person improved after reconciliation, does he/she fulfill his/her obligations, and has the “other half” become morally comfortable? In this case, we are talking about assessing how long the efforts of a partner caught in betrayal to save his marriage are enough - for a long time, or not.
If, after a family crisis, life in the family has become noticeably better, and there is no tendency for the relationship to worsen, I am sincerely happy for such a couple, I advise you to put a plus (+) and give the relationship a chance. If, after all the tears, repentances, vows and obligations, then the situation in the family worsens again, and the atmosphere thickens and heats up (moreover, through the fault of the person who cheated), I advise you not to stand on ceremony and put a minus (-). Because if the person who cheated cannot forget his “left” relationship and reconciled with his spouse only under the pressure of circumstances, it is more than difficult to count on a happy marriage in the future.
As you can see, there is nothing complicated in assessing and analyzing betrayal.
If there is a clear complex structure of a serious family crime - “recidivism, intent, systematic preparation, aggravating circumstances of infidelity, numerous episodes, its concealment, the desire to evade responsibility, from accepting guilt and guarantee obligations in the future, obvious disrespect for the partner, futility and not comfortable family relationships in the future” - my verdict is simple: either break up, or drive the cheating partner into the very strict framework of points No. 13 and No. 14. So that if cheating happens again, or there are no mitigating circumstances at all that make a tough decision difficult, or the conditions for a future divorce will be more beneficial to the honest spouse and less beneficial to the cheating spouse.
If there is no relapse, intent, planned preparation for sex, a long-term relationship and great warmth in the betrayal, there is an admission of guilt and active repentance with the imposition of sanctions and obligations, a noticeable improvement in communication between spouses, I advise you to forgive and make peace. Of course, having made the necessary conclusions and adjusted the rules of family life for the better.
As for the number of pros and cons, here I suggest you decide for yourself. Personally, I think it is possible to forgive no more than three minuses (-) in its pure form. Maximum - up to five minuses (-) out of fifteen, if in paragraphs No. 13 and No. 14 the clearest possible guarantees are given for a radical improvement in the situation in the couple and, according to paragraph No. 15, they will actually be implemented.
As for statements like “What should I do if there are a lot of disadvantages, but I love a person, I am dependent on him/her for housing and/or financial reasons, plus we have children together, plus I myself am not without sin,” then the strategy of behavior in these situations requires special consideration in a personal consultation.
However, this is described in great detail in my books: “13 ways to overcome the crisis of a love relationship”, “How to assess the strength of your marriage”, “Sharp corners of young families”, “Stories of a family psychologist”.
You can also purchase the Complete Works of Andrei Zberovsky from 17 e-books
I am included in the ranking of the best psychologists in Russia for 2020 https://xn—-dtbbbhscewqobbiixl5d.xn--p1ai/currenttop100.asp
Watch my video tips on the YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCk9BXpLyqjPVfXTJHoA2B7g?view_as=subscriber
If you or your married couple need help, I will be happy to give advice from family psychologist Zberovsky in a personal (in Moscow) or online consultation (via Skype, Viber, WhatsApp or telephone).
Sign up for a personal or online consultation by phone: +7926633520
Sincerely, family psychologist, doctor of science, professor Andrey Zberovsky
Sometimes a couple cannot cope with the “post” situation
- If not weeks, but months have passed, but mentally, you are still there,
- If the broken trust has not been restored one iota,
— If you constantly discuss this situation and its consequences with yourself, with each other, with your loved ones,
- If you feel that you are close to a physical illness due to all these thoughts,
This means that there is not a process of gradual recovery and strengthening, but a process of transition from the “acute stage” to the “chronic”.
And what you definitely don’t wish on anyone, even while the children are growing up, is to live with the situation of severe chronic consequences of betrayal.
This scenario – which, alas, happens quite often – is harmful to women’s health and psyche; it pushes men towards various kinds of addictions and repeated “drives to the left”.
If advice and recommendations worked, everyone would be happy long ago and irrevocably.
But that's not true. And it’s easy to say “stop behaving this way or that,” and it’s much more difficult to implement this wonderful idea.
A real psychotherapist, as you know, does not give advice. He asks “good questions.”
You can ask yourself: if we, for example, continue in the same spirit to eat each other and step on very sore calluses, then what will our relationship be like in six months?
In a year?
Three?
And in general, is it possible to hold out that long? There are cases when thinking about the “strategic consequences” was healing, and it was possible to stop. And recovery was possible. There would be something to save.
It may sound pretentious and pioneering, but strong, unburnt-out love between partners is a force that can overcome almost all trials. And if burnout occurs, it is not at the moment of receiving news of a “march to the left,” but in long and fruitless attempts to cope with the train of betrayal.
Dissatisfaction with partner
Many people mistakenly claim that all cheating happens because the partner is tired of his other half and is not satisfied in bed and in life. Indeed, some people look for what is missing in a husband or wife, in strangers, and find it.
At the very beginning of a love relationship, people get to know each other, flaunt only positive character traits in order to please their chosen one. This creates a false idea about them and, over the course of the relationship, people simply become disappointed in each other.
Read more: Reasons why a guy never had a girlfriend
Another reason for a partner's dissatisfaction is his work. After all, it takes a lot of time, effort, and nerves to achieve the desired result. He may stop spending enough time to show how important the relationship is.
Dissatisfaction can also be of a sexual nature. A person who lacks intimacy, a priori, cannot help but look for it on the side. After desperate attempts to get it from a loved one. Another woman will always support and understand, with the goal of ruining her lover’s failed marriage.
In the video, clinical psychologist Veronika Stepanova talks about the problem of dissatisfaction with a partner and the desire to cheat on him.
If you decide to try to stay together, it might be worth trying:
- do not poke your spouse into pain points that are well known to you
- do not “feed” suspicion and (or) guilt
- do not “become children”, hiding in the roles of parents from the problems of marital roles. Especially having another child can be a ticking time bomb.
The emergence of a new person cannot, from my point of view, be burdened with additional tasks such as “restoring the parents’ relationship”, “being glue for a broken cup”.
- do not try to control your spouse (except by mutual agreement).
- do not “blow dirty linen in public” - close the information funnel, do not reveal to third parties the details of what is happening in your relationship now.
Recovery is a fragile and secretive period. Other people's attention and curiosity are completely useless here.
