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More than 90% of our compatriots consider their partner’s betrayal unacceptable, but 20-30% of them themselves have cheated at least once. Inconsistency in relationships leads to domestic violence, fights, depression, divorce and even murder. Why do people cheat on each other, even with all these negative consequences? Or does the phrase “once you lie, always a liar” have any basis in reality?
A surprising number of people in relationships engage in cheating.
“IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, DON’T CHANGE.”
“IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE, LET GO OF YOUR LOVED FIRST.”
Only 21%. Less than you expected, right? At the same time, the majority of these 21% will never admit to cheating, and if they do admit it, then either they were not afraid of being caught, or they warned their partner about the cheating in one way or another. Whether by hints or directly, they warned.
A trip to the left: why married couples cheat on each other
A person does not like to be alone; he needs the company of the opposite sex. Sometimes of the same gender. But the point is to have a person available to you whom you can cuddle up to, call him a kind word and not let go for a long time.
For some reason, we need relationships to live a fulfilling life and many of us are in a desperate search for love, writes Fire in spire.
Love is about giving yourself completely to another person, being happy and enjoying life. At least ideally. Love is when your chosen one becomes the standard of a person for you, despite his quirks and shortcomings. Love is designed to bind two people forever.
It would seem that this love is a good thing and useful to people: it makes two people drawn to each other and live together happily ever after. Then why do some people have the desire to cheat on their other halves? Why even secretly meet with others for carnal pleasures if you have a warm, dear and beloved person at home?
If we talk about men, the first argument justifying infidelity will be based on the theory of evolution and the fact that a male in the wild has the task of impregnating as many females as possible in order to continue his family. That is, men justify their infidelity to the women they love with the need for the survival of their own family. At the same time, they themselves use condoms, breaking their theory to smithereens.
Other men say something like “eating bread is very tasty and healthy, but sometimes you want a bun.” They mean that sometimes they feel the need for variety and in order to maintain the normal level of their masculinity, they need to switch to another female in order to return to theirs tired and satisfied and ready to continue “eating bread.”
Someone feels the need to “go left” once in a certain period in order to once again make sure that his woman is the best. What can you do if they understand this not by default, not when they eat borscht or hug their beloved, but only when they interact with the genitals of other women.
Women also know how to cheat and are actively involved in it. Although, society treats female infidelity much more strictly than male infidelity. Well, we remember that for men this is procreation, animal nature and reluctance to eat stale bread. And women, we must give them their due, learned over time and chose for themselves the right to also enjoy sex and change sexual partners. Sometimes, however, they change them not entirely correctly, without informing them that in the evenings they have a “shift change.” Such women are called not very good words. Everyone's personal business.
What else can push a person in a relationship to cheat?
For example, dissatisfaction with your sex life with your partner. A person can like everything about a spouse: her appearance, her character, and the funny way she sticks out the tip of her tongue when she writes a shopping list in a notebook. And in bed they are bored and mating games are more like an obligation, or even worse - when they have sex with their spouse purely out of politeness. Then you want to understand whether there is something wrong with you and you have forgotten how to do this, whether it’s a problem with your partner or whether your spark just doesn’t work. They go to another person to check. And it turns out that relationships are in one place, and sex is in another. And a satisfied person lives as best he can.
Or, conversely, dissatisfaction with the relationship makes the partner think of trying someone else. When someone is unhappy in a relationship, hugging another person makes you feel loved and wanted again. But deciding to break up with your regular partner is too difficult a step and the prospect of ending up with nothing and no one after many years spent as a couple is terrifying. And people begin to lead a double life: with a familiar partner there is an established way of life and a common circle of friends, and you really don’t want to lose all this; and with a lover everything is so fresh, new and full of passion, but no one knows where it will lead. Typically, the longer a person cheats, the more difficult it is to admit it to a partner. And the further they go, the deeper they sink into their lies, are afraid to build everything over again and hope that the situation will resolve on its own.
And sometimes a person only likes the initial stage of a relationship with all its candy-flowery periods, romance, passion and deep sighs for his beloved. And when the relationship moves from an acute stage to a measured one, with addiction, exposing all the habits and the “true face” of the partner, such people become bored and interest in such relationships disappears. Such people constantly need new relationships to feel happy. New first kisses, dates, body awareness and new emotions. But sometimes even such characters decide to get married, although the craving for novelty does not disappear and betrayal is the only way to feel this adrenaline again.
There are also people walking around the planet who are too good to belong to just one woman or one man. In their opinion. And they give the happiness of having their body to other people while someone is waiting for them at home.
Some people do “this” quietly and never admit to half of their accomplishments, while others do not deny their adventures and even openly declare their right to the left. And perhaps this is the best option when your partner is immediately warned about your preferences and it won’t be a shock for him to smell someone else’s cologne on your crush’s clothes. And if he does not agree with the position of the first, but not the only one, he simply will not agree to join such an alliance.
Whether cheating on a loved one is good or bad is, of course, up to everyone to decide according to their conscience. But sometimes it’s worth thinking about, what if there is a person in this world who would not want to cheat at all, under any conditions, and even after time. Maybe it’s worth looking for someone like that, rather than deceiving someone who considers you their only one.
Previously, the Observer wrote about how to survive betrayal.
Monogamy: are we called to be with only one partner all our lives?
Sorry if we dampen your romanticism a little, but most scientists say no.
Only 3-5% of the remaining mammals living on Earth spend their entire lives with one partner. From an evolutionary perspective, men are prone to so-called “extramarital” sex in order to “spread their seed” and produce as many offspring as possible. Therefore, when cheating, men are more likely to rely on their ego rather than on emotions and romance. Therefore, men are historically closer to polygamy than to monogamy.
There are several ways to find out that your partner is sticking... his nose where it doesn't belong.
But first, some very practical and responsible advice: start checking only when you really suspect cheating. Minimum by 51%. Do not disturb the relationship without reason or need. This will only make things worse. Suspecting and tugging at a man for no reason will only push him to cheat.
So, ways to detect betrayal:
If your partner doesn't show you his phone number. And it's not about the password. A password can be a simple means of limiting the personal space that every person should have, regardless of the relationship. And if he/she gets furious when, for example, you scroll through the lists of his/her friends on social networks a little longer or closely watches where exactly you go, what you look at and whether you go into personal messages. Then it's worth thinking about.
Sudden change of interest. Take a closer look. Listen to him/her and yourself. If you notice that your partner is moving away from you, that the previous interest has faded away and he is building some distance between you, this is a very alarming call.
You caught your partner in a lie. About where he would be or with whom. He has no reason to lie to you, unless he is preparing a surprise for you, of course.
Accusations. If your partner, absolutely out of the blue, begins to accuse and suspect you of cheating, this is definitely a red flag.
Clears browser history. This is not an accurate indicator. Maybe he's just into kinky porn. But these are completely different skeletons and in a different closet.
He was glued to his phone. Or he just spends all his time on the Internet. What could be more important than his Queen sitting next to him?
Why do husbands and wives cheat on each other?
The concept of marriage, husbands and wives, even doting on each other, is inextricably linked with the concept of adultery. The reasons for infidelity in each family are different, but essentially all of them can be reduced to several unified models of behavior. Boston psychologist Mira Kirshenbaum has developed a whole theory about this. So before you throw scandals, thus provoking serious conflicts with your other half, just because he (she) changed the toilet water or whitened his teeth , read what science thinks about all this.
8 reasons for adultery
Every family is unhappy in its own way, wrote the great Russian classic Leo Tolstoy. Among the reasons that push spouses to cheat, experts name ones that you would never think...
Dr. Mira Kirshenbaum, who holds one of the leadership positions at the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, wrote a book with the “telling” title “When Good People Cheat.” Judging by what Kirshenbaum writes, even exemplary family men decide to commit adultery, and the fact of adultery does not mean the depravity of the person who committed it. Many cheaters are wonderful and kind people, she claims, and outside relationships, no matter how offensive it may seem to someone, can help a marriage.
Mira Kirshenbaum has been a psychotherapist for 30 years and is well known in the United States as a writer and presenter. In her research essay, she lists 17 reasons to commit adultery. Here are 8 of them – the most compelling, in our opinion.
Individuality protest
According to the expert, there may be forces in a woman’s life for a long time that prevent her from being herself and expressing herself. This, for example, happens in families where the husband strives for leadership and superiority over his wife. Or he does not show those partner qualities that she expects from him, forcing the woman to adapt to the existing, but not comfortable for her, state of affairs. As Kirshenbaum says, in situations like this, “cheating is the best way to figure out how to be who you really are.”
Accident
One of the most common reasons. At the same time, randomness means things that cannot be rationally explained. This is a case where you didn't intend to do it... but ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Marriage crisis
If you don't give each other enough time and attention, the marriage reaches a dead end or many problems appear in it. Solace is sought in relationships on the side, which spouses seek to prove their own worth.
Trying to regain interest
Often, betrayal is based on the unconscious calculation of regaining interest in one’s own person on the part of the partner. And indeed, sometimes the news of betrayal makes a marriage stronger - spouses re-evaluate each other’s merits. But this same attempt could ruin him!
Sexual panic
You feel that your sexual power is fading, you start to panic and take on a lover to show that you have not become any weaker in bed. By the way, the psychologist advises husbands and wives who have lovers not to admit their affairs, since the truth can do more harm than hiding it.
Desire to leave
Often, spouses do not know how to tell their partner that they want to end their marriage, realizing how stressful a divorce proposal can be. Or they themselves are afraid of the need to realize this desire, to organize many troublesome matters related to the divorce process. If you want to end your marriage, but are afraid to just leave, and therefore hope that cheating will put an end to everything, then either your spouse will drive you away, or your lover will give you the courage to leave.
The desire to “sell yourself more expensive”
That is, try to be with someone who seems to be better suited to your situation through an extramarital affair.
The desire to return faded passion to marriage
The desire to escape from the problems that have piled up. By creating a kind of love oasis through infidelity, a man or woman gains a psychological outlet. This is a way to get rid of the psychologically destructive stress caused by a situation when things are going wrong.
Based on materials from: MedikForum.ru
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Do you want to know why people cheat in general?
There is no excuse for cheating. But having changed, everyone has their own reason for it.
There are a whole lot of reasons for cheating. And none of them is significant enough for betrayal. But at the moment when this happens, the cheater definitely finds an excuse, at least for himself. And remember that only one party is very rarely to blame for treason. This is the law.
So, the reasons for cheating:
- Mystery makes life richer.
- Thirst for new sensations.
- Escape from boredom.
- The desire to improve your status.
- Thirst for extreme sports.
- Revenge for something.
- The idea that one deserves better than a real partner.
- Wanting to know if there is something better.
- Emotions here and now are more important than building long-term relationships.
- Lack of emotions in current relationships.
- I like to insert myself into other people's reality.
- Because of blaming the partner for unfulfilled hopes.
Differences between male and female infidelity
Biological differences and millions of years of evolution have meant that when it comes to cheating, men and women behave significantly differently:
- Men are more likely than women to cheat with someone less attractive than their partner.
- Men are more likely to agree to one-night stands. Ladies are more prone to emotional attachments.
- After cheating, men are less likely to decide to end their current relationship, while women are more likely to decide to end their current relationship.
- Men are more likely to commit multiple infidelities.
The most common reasons for male infidelity:
- Because I could. Often during adolescence and youth, young people are not popular with girls, so as they grow up and transform, like an ugly duckling, they take their own from life.
- The husband was looking for something that was missing in marriage: sex, love, affection.
- My husband wanted variety in bed.
- Different preferences in sex with a regular partner.
Popular reasons for female infidelity:
- Cheating as a way to end an outdated relationship.
- Emotional incompatibility with current partner.
- Satisfying sexual needs.
- Coldness and detachment of the current partner.
- Loneliness in relationships.
- Loss of feeling of closeness.
The illusion of great choice.
On the Internet today there are a huge number of dating sites with calls for “suitable partners near you” or “The newest application for the best dating”, etc., with thousands of imaginary subscribers who create the illusion that by using this application you will instantly find the perfect couple. And both for life, and for the night, if someone needs it. And where there is choice, there is no stability. But here the saying fits more than ever:
“You’d better starve than eat anything, and it’s better to be alone than with just anyone.” Omar Khayyam.
A distorted concept of love.
Such people have not yet learned to distinguish love from infatuation. In the process of simple love, infatuation, everything that the partner says or does is intoxicating, seems so romantic and calls for passion. A little later, the “chemistry” and hormonal surge subsides, and bare intimacy remains. And here the bewilderment sets in: “Where did it all go? Probably fell out of love. I’ll go look for that gut-wrenching feeling on the side.”
