In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, when parents spend most of their time at work and children are left to their own devices, a situation often occurs when the closest people move away from each other.
Due to lack of attention and love, the child withdraws, becomes indifferent or, on the contrary, aggressive and tries in every possible way to attract the attention of his parents. Both the first and second behavior patterns sometimes cause indignation among parents, who are most often sure that they are doing everything possible so that the child does not need anything. And if you are familiar with this situation, first of all you should ask yourself the question: “How much time do I spend with my son or daughter?”
Quality time
On average, parents spend one to three hours a day with school-age children. This is at best! Studies have shown that the average American spends less than one hour a week with their child! For the full development and well-being of children, five or more hours a day are needed. But the question here is not one of quantity, but of quality. Since often being together does not mean sharing experience, positive energy and love.
Everyone knows: nothing promotes trusting relationships more than joint activities - games, sports, reading. True, everything needs moderation. You should not impose your interests on your child and force him to do what he does not like. It’s better to ask what exactly he wants to do. Otherwise, you may hear: “I don’t want anyone to read to me,” “I’m already an adult, so we can play together,” “Talk, but about what?”
Third, never lie
It is often easier for parents to deceive their child (about even an insignificant or inconvenient topic for you) than to explain something and waste time. It's easier. It seems that this is nonsense, nothing significant. You just cheated a little.
Do you know what a child will think when he finds out or understands that you deceived him, “but was it possible?” That's it, experience gained. Be sure that next time, in order not to explain or to make it easier, he, with full confidence that this is correct and normal, will deceive you or not tell you...
Showing love and respect
In order to regain trust, it is important to pay attention to the child’s emotional balance. If your son or daughter begins to withdraw into themselves more often or can flare up like a match from a simple question (remark), it is worth working on the child’s emotional state. How to do it? One way is to hug him as often as possible and tell him how much you value him. Also pay attention to how often you support your child, are you able to show empathy when he needs it? And one more thing: what do you talk about with your son or daughter? If about school, then... in this case, the child may think that parents are only interested in his academic success. Remember, the last thing children want to do is discuss school problems! Try not to touch the topic of learning for a while. It is important that the child has confidence - there is a loved one next to him, to whom he can entrust his thoughts, fears and worries, regardless of his success at school.
Another way to win someone over is to ask for help. This way you can show your child his importance. Ask your child to do something for you, but without making it seem like an order. Your son or daughter should have a desire to help you. And one more thing: if you were wrong towards a child - you were unfairly punished or shouted at, you should admit your guilt and apologize.
How to regain a child’s trust, create or establish a trusting relationship
The result of a child losing trust in his parents may be that he withdraws into himself, stops talking about his problems, and begins to share his experiences with anyone, but not with mom and dad. It's good if it's a friend/friend or grandmother/aunt. And if it is a stranger, it is quite difficult to predict the consequences of such conversations. There are many known cases where teenagers who do not have a good relationship with their parents leave home, end up in bad companies or even sects, in general, this list can be continued, but one thing must be remembered - the consequences can be the most sad and unpredictable.
Psychologists who conduct surveys and tests in schools agree that every third teenager believes that their parents do not understand them. Their response is rudeness, they do everything out of spite. Such actions only entail that parents increase control, and this leads to even greater aggravation of family relations. Some parents act differently - they decide to let go of the situation and give the child freedom. But they must be aware that this is no less dangerous than constant strict control. A child of 13-14 years old is not yet ready to take responsibility for his life. Without realizing it, he wants to be looked after by his parents.
How to regain the trust of a child who has reached adolescence?
It is quite difficult to restore the lost trust of a teenager, much more difficult than for a very young child or preschooler, because he has already made up his mind about his parents and has withdrawn into himself. But deep down, the teenager still loves his parents. And if you don’t know how to establish a trusting relationship with a child, just try to be more tolerant and responsive to your children, and don’t be afraid to admit your own mistakes and weaknesses. The child himself can admit something so that the parents are not so offended. In a family where they want to maintain trusting relationships for life, all its members, both adults and children, should know that making mistakes is natural, the main thing is to admit your mistakes in a timely and sincere manner.
If parents lay the foundation of a trusting relationship from early childhood, then they will remain the same throughout adolescence and adulthood.
For soul, body and mind
How else to position the child? Tell him about what you did, say, during the day - for your health, soul and mind. Admit what worked out the way you wanted it and what didn’t go according to plan. After a while, ask: “What do you think you managed to do today for your body, mind and soul?” And if the child gets confused at first, don’t be discouraged. Continue to talk about yourself, acknowledge your successes and failures. Such an exercise can become a habit and in the evening you no longer need to select topics for conversation. You can talk about yourself, listen to your son or daughter, make a plan for the next day, and discuss it in the evening if you wish. At such moments, you can fantasize about what else you would like to do for your soul, body and health.
Author Vera Pustovidko
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First of all, start telling your child about yourself!
When I communicate with my sons, my wife, I tell them how my day went, what was interesting, what was strange, how I had a fight with someone, how I met someone, how I entered into difficult situation, then at this moment it is necessary (hear me, please, this is what I am sure of) and the person necessarily begins to answer me in the same way. Because we have such a tradition in our family - we talk. We talk and listen. Me, wife and children. Even if a child begins to tell you something that is not particularly interesting to you - what level in the game he has reached, what his friend Pashka told about the cat - listen! Show interest, ask questions. It won't hurt you.
And if instead the parent asks: “So, how are things at school?” what does he want to hear other than “fine” or “good”? He's waiting for this, isn't he? You need this, don't you, mom and dad? After this, a cry from the heart so familiar to many arises: “He doesn’t tell me anything!” What will he tell you if you don’t tell him anything? Where will he learn this?
It's better to tell the truth
Everything is obvious here - it is impossible to restore trust in a relationship by resorting to lies. It is necessary to voice the whole truth, even if it may cause pain to a person. So say: “I know it may be unpleasant for you to hear this, but I must tell the truth.” But don't insist if they tell you they don't want to know about it now.
Psychologist Robert Weiss says that trust in a couple returns when transparency becomes an integral part of the relationship. For example, if you plan to go to a bar with friends, say so instead of making up “safe” options.
Truth is the true companion of trust in relationships.
Reaching agreements
But sincerity alone is not enough, so the third rule is a willingness to change, to hear your boyfriend , to make sure that they hear you. That is, do not try to adjust each other to yourself, but find opportunities to change something in yourself. Thus, reach agreements and solutions that satisfy both.
Unfortunately, this is one of the most difficult stages, because pride and a sense of being right prevent you from meeting the other halfway, especially if he was caught in a lie, in treason, inappropriate behavior, etc. And everything will become like in the movie:
- Do you believe me? - In theory!
You are not the defendant, and he/she is not the prosecutor
It is necessary not only to leave the path of the aggressor, but also not to take the position of a victim. To regain the trust of a husband or wife, the cooperation of both parties will be required.
It is expected that the “prosecutor” will want to express his anger and hit harder. A person can get carried away and constantly come up with new quests, knowing that the culprit will go to great lengths to regain trust. The behavior of the “defendant” will be submissive, but anger will begin to accumulate in the person after successive failures in trying to earn forgiveness. Harmonious relationships are possible only among equal partners, and with such roles, mutual parity is out of the question.
Solution: calmly and directly say that you want to regain trust, but reproaches and reminders will not help both of you. described in more detail about the cycle of the position of the victim and the aggressor
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Attack is not the best defense
Rebuilding trust is not an easy task. The deceived person has to look within himself for the strength to forgive, and the guilty person has to listen to accusations. At first this will be the case, even if your partner begins to hold back, this will be noticeable in his behavior and attitude towards you.
The important thing here is not to go on the attack. Retaliatory aggression is a normal reaction, but it is destructive to future relationships. Mutual accusations will not lead to a common solution; a calm conversation is needed here.
It is important to communicate without aggression
Don't reduce the pain
Don’t think that your action or behavior is “not such a big sin to sulk like that.” Don’t discount your partner’s feelings: even if you reacted differently, this is a different person and he also feels differently.
Don't hide details, tell it like it is. If you remain silent or use general phrases, your partner will still understand it. And it will be even worse if other people become aware of this.
In addition, by learning information gradually, the partner will constantly return to this again and again. It’s better to learn everything from you and go through this pain together.
Don't minimize the pain - tell it like it is
Talk
This is a universal remedy that works even when trust has not yet been lost. Your partner does not read your thoughts, no matter how much it may seem that you two halves are already similar to each other.
You need to discuss all the points and especially the boundaries of what is permitted. Maybe you were just hanging out with friends. At this time, the love of your life has already compiled several scenarios in her head, the most positive of which is the one where you die. Or you take a free position about flirting, but for him/her this is already a betrayal.
If we are considering a more severe offense, then the advice will be the same. You are given a chance to speak - take it, and don’t forget to listen. Why is it important to talk heart to heart:
