Over the course of your career, you may have 10 or more different employers, and at certain organizations you may have multiple positions. This means you could have 15 or more managers, and that's not including all of your managers' bosses. And we all know that sometimes they act like they are your boss too. The good news is that most of them will be decent people and decent managers.
In this article, we'll talk about how working with a difficult manager can be detrimental to you and your team, and how you can respond. This resource will help you consider your options, identify the risks, and know when and how to speak up and what to do. All bosses may not be equally good, but you can learn how you can make the best of a difficult situation.
Assess risks realistically
Most of us tend to exaggerate the risks associated with “going bold.” “We naturally start to imagine that the worst thing will happen to us,” says Joseph Grenny. — Yes, at first your boss may be surprised and a little upset. But there is a chance that you will not be fired and you will not become enemies with him for life.”
I suggest that you first consider the risk of not objecting on time - perhaps the project will be disrupted, you will lose the trust of the team, or your image will suffer in the eyes of the same boss. And now evaluate these risks against those hypothetical “punitive measures” that you think might be used against you.
Or maybe we should wait?
After assessing the risks, you may decide that it is best not to speak out at this time. It may be that now “you just haven’t had time to think through the problem to the end or you want to hear from your team,” says Holly Weeks. If you think that other people will not support your position either, you can first discuss this with your inner circle of colleagues. Many people will likely share their experiences or what they have heard on the topic, which will make your counterarguments more powerful and valid.
If you are in a meeting or other place where there are a lot of people, it is better to postpone this conversation. Discussing the issue in private will make your boss feel less vulnerable, which means he will be more inclined to engage in constructive dialogue.
Creating an action plan
So you're working with a difficult manager, but how bad is he? Can you avoid further conversation or should you still try to speak up and take control of the situation? First, you should determine the very seriousness of the existing negative relationship between you and your manager before you begin to act.
- First, you need to be clear about how bad you are doing. It's never easy to face negative behavior, but it helps to put things into perspective. To do this, answer yourself the question: “How often do you feel irritated by your boss’s attitude towards you: two or three times a week?” Of course, no one will like this situation, but this is normal and is not a reason for alarm or any action on your part. It's a completely different matter if it happens every day, and the behavior is so inappropriate that you are not just annoyed, but actually worried that it is almost impossible to remain productive at work.
- Second, you need to determine how much the situation with your manager bothers you. Maybe you can’t get it out of your head after finishing work, or you constantly talk about it with your friends, parents, or spouse. Are you losing sleep or dreading the thought of returning to work? All this speaks to the seriousness of the situation. But before you engage your manager in a dialogue, you should think about the following question.
- Third, how long do you plan to stay with the company? If work is important to you and you plan to stay at it, then this is an incentive to find a solution.
- Fourth, evaluate the role of your boss. Sometimes the position of a subordinate is not much different in status from the position of a manager. The smaller the gap, the easier it is to discuss the situation.
- Fifth, is your boss's negative behavior directed only at you or at almost everyone? There is strength in numbers. So if other people are involved, then it will be safer for you to proceed.
- Lastly, try to determine how much your inaction will cost you. If you do nothing, will you feel depressed and perform ineffectively? Do you have reason to believe that the behavior may escalate?
If your boss's behavior often affects you, you plan to stay at the company for a long time, you have a good reputation, his antics affect not only you, and the cost of inaction is too high, then it's time to think about solving the current problem. The reason you should seriously consider the issues listed is that the risk of you approaching your boss may be high.
Before you talk to your manager, you should do your homework:
- First, you should not speak negatively to your colleagues about your boss. At the very least, it should be infrequent and without emotion.
- Second, you will benefit from documenting your manager's behavior and interactions. You may never need it, but on rare occasions you can check for yourself what you didn't do, didn't say, or, conversely, did.
The most important part of the documentation process concerns your performance and the results your superiors expect from you. Try to ensure that all goals, objectives and expectations for projects delegated to you are documented by you. Try to adequately reflect all aspects of your work, i.e. record both positive results of your work and moments of your mistakes.
The next part of the process is to document questionable or negative behavior from your boss towards you. The next point is to collect all the boss’s requests in written or electronic form. For example, he asked you to use a certain price, use a specific supplier, or not share information with anyone involved in the process, etc. If your difficult boss uses profanity or excessive insults, your goal is simply to keep a journal. What was done or said, when, where and who else was present.
Let’s say that all of the above in this article completely applies to your situation, and you decide that it’s worth talking to your manager. First, you should think about the risks:
- The first risk is related to how you did your homework. Have you properly thought through the triggers we've listed and how well have you used documentation of what's going on?
- Another aspect of risk relates to how you plan for future conversations. You can't know exactly how your manager will respond, but you can improve your chances of getting a productive response if you structure your meeting correctly.
First, you need to choose a time that suits both of you. If you're on top of your boss's schedule, then take time away from regular meetings, client visits, or other predictable distractions. Also, think about the major projects your manager is currently leading. If he is concerned about solving the problems that have arisen there, then now is not the time for a meeting.
Then schedule the meeting in person rather than through a secretary or email. Show respect by communicating directly with your boss. If his plans change and he reschedules the meeting ahead of schedule, you should be prepared for this.
Your next task in preparing your meeting with a difficult leader is to frame your message correctly. Your goal is to be more specific and to come from an observational rather than an accusing position. For example, instead of saying: “Ivan Petrovich, you are always standing over me and controlling my work and it really bothers me,” you can start like this: “I noticed that you often control me. Is there some problem I should know about?” Or “You checked in with me eight times last week, so I was just wondering if there was anything you’d like to discuss?”
The first statement was short, too general and probably negative. The second option is more specific, respectful, where you ask about your productivity and ask for feedback on your performance. Be sure to use a light and positive tone of voice. How you speak matters as much as what you say.
Your conversation should not be based on a message that the boss should stop doing something. By following the listed rules, you will not feel the need for this kind of action. Expressing your concerns in formal communication is enough to stop the negative behavior towards you.
If it doesn't work and your boss doesn't accept your message, then moving forward and talking about stopping the behavior is too dangerous. If the behavior persists and is quite severe, consult with Human Resources.
Sometimes, it makes sense to step up the hierarchical chain and talk to the higher-level manager to whom your manager reports. If you decide to have a conversation, then follow the rules discussed above. This can of course be risky, so it's worth considering the following:
- Think about the duration of your situation. If you've only been experiencing negativity from your boss for a few weeks, then don't do anything. If it’s a few months, think about action. If it's several years, then you're actually at fault for not doing anything for so long, and making changes can be quite difficult.
- Seriousness. If your boss's behavior is public, such as insulting you in front of others, this is a serious danger. Not only does it cause you mental anguish, but it can also potentially harm the way others see you. Also think about the severity in terms of the psychological and physical impact on you. If you are losing sleep or have physical problems, then the situation is dire.
- Perspective. Do you have any reason to believe that you will have to endure this kind of attitude towards you in the future? Do you have the opportunity to be promoted to a position where you will have different management? Maybe your manager is planning to move up or leave the company? In general, the more likely you are to stay with this person, the greater the need to seek help.
- Consider the sphere of influence of your boss's behavior. If his negativity extends not only to you, but also to your colleagues, then it is necessary to act and, preferably, in the amount of an entire group of people.
Any actions that violate subordination are quite risky. But sometimes, it may be less risky than going to HR. But if you decide to contact the HR department, then prepare your documentation, which you have collected so carefully. And be prepared that your boss will find out about everything and his behavior will be difficult to predict. Therefore, try to concentrate and direct more of your efforts towards formal communication with your boss, which we discussed in the first option. For greater success, you can consult with your mentor in advance, if you have one.
Your manager has more power than you, but that doesn't mean you should be subjected to negative and unacceptable behavior on the job on a regular basis. Sometimes you can handle this on your own, other times you will need outside help, which we discussed in this chapter.
Conclusion
We have tried to provide you with more specific information about what actions you should take to resolve the situation with your manager. Your very first task is to think about duration, severity and scope. Be specific with the timing and conservative in assessing the severity of the impact and its magnitude. Rely only on the actual data of your observations. If a situation lasts 12 to 18 weeks that you're losing sleep over and it's affecting other members of your team, then it's time to act.
Talk to your colleagues, find out how they feel about the manager's actions, and then make a list of people who could join you. Pay attention to similar cases that took place in the past in this company. Prepare for a formal conversation with your manager and express your concerns in the correct manner. If the outcome of the meeting is negative for you, evaluate your chances of moving on.
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common goal
Before you share your thoughts with your boss, think about what he cares about: it could be leading a department, completing a project on time, or his relationship with management. If you can connect your disagreement to a “higher purpose,” you have a much better chance of being heard.
When you present your position, do not think that this relationship is already clear - be sure to emphasize it. You need to state this clearly. To ensure that you are perceived not as an obnoxious subordinate, but as a colleague trying to achieve a common goal, embed your arguments in the current business context. This will help turn your conversation from a “boxing match” into a “chess game.”
The main mistake when asking for a salary increase or career advancement
The biggest mistake you can make when it comes to asking for a raise in pay or position is to simply show up at the next meeting and say that you need a raise.
If this is your plan, then you will definitely lose. I would even say that with a plan like this you deserve to lose.
I learned this lesson the hard way when I worked for a government agency and asked for a promotion. I worked there quite a lot, so I decided it was time for a change - after all, I'm a smart guy who worked a lot, so I definitely had to ask.
The conversation went something like this:
Hello Director, thank you for your attention. So, I've been working here for a year now and I think I've done a good job. I am well versed in all the intricacies of the job, so I would like to discuss opportunities for advancement.
- Now there is no way. Let's put this off until better times.
Fine.
It wasn't pretty. At that moment I was really angry with the manager for several days. He said “NO”, and then the load only increased.
Later I realized that I was being funny at that moment. I did not give the manager any reason why he should give me more responsibility or pay me more. So why did I then revive the promotion?
Since then, I've become a much better negotiator, and here's the #1 rule I discovered:
80% of the work in negotiations is done before you even enter the room.
This means that conversation is only a small part of what actually affects the end result. In fact, when you are trying to get a raise or promotion, it is your preparation that will determine your success or failure.
Would you rather spend 0 hours preparing and immediately fail in negotiations than spend 20 hours preparing and get a 70% chance of success and promotion.
Preliminary work before asking for a promotion
The best employees are always willing to put in the time and effort, so they can and should receive more rewards than others.
I call this polishing work.
Here are some methods you can try for yourself.
- Perform your best work for at least six months, receiving written praise from your management and colleagues.
- Create a short document that will prove your effectiveness. Write down everything that adds value to you in this document.
- Practice communicating with other experienced negotiators. If you are rehearsing a speech, try recording it on video so you can review it later and find mistakes.
- Learn to handle objections. Read about how to handle objections.
Once you've done all of this, you need to make sure that your boss knows that you plan to ask for a pay increase or promotion.
Ask permission to disagree
"This step may seem overly protective and deferential, but it's a smart way to give a strong person the illusion of psychological safety and control," recommends Amy Gallo.3
You might say, for example, “I know we should get this done in the first quarter, but for some reason I don’t think it will work out that way. And I want to share with you my thoughts on this matter. Do you mind? Such an introduction will give the person a choice and allow him to join the dialogue. And if he says yes, it will help you feel more confident in expressing your disagreement.
Olga Anokhina: “Conversation with management - how to achieve your goal?”
Olga Anokhina Photo: Elizaveta Karpushkina
It happens that you need to take time off from work from your boss or ask for a salary increase. For many people, deciding to have such a conversation is not easy. Olga Anokhina tells how to cope with shyness and get results.
“Although Vasily was considered an irreplaceable worker in the office, he could never ask his superiors for anything for himself. And it had to happen that his wife won a trip for two to the United Arab Emirates on New Year's Eve... Lena's joy knew no bounds. “For once, we will not have an ordinary New Year's Eve! Vasenka, the only thing is that you will need to take a vacation from December 28th. We're leaving in the evening! After all, you haven’t taken it even once this year? I think the authorities will meet you halfway!” — his wife said enthusiastically to Vasily. And he sighed and became sad. Just now, before the New Year, the valuable employee was very busy. And on December 28 he was supposed to present the finished project. He could have done it earlier, but the general director of the company wanted Vasily not only to present the project in the morning, but also to come to the New Year’s corporate party in the evening. “Without you, Vasya, the corporate party will not be bright!” - said the boss. How will you leave here? The husband told Lena about this. But, of course, she immediately burst into tears. The winning tickets could not be exchanged for another date, and therefore the magical journey to the sea was in question. “Olga Mikhailovna, is it possible for you to get Vasya’s management to let go?” - "Eat. But will Vasya dare to talk to the boss?” - “Yes, Vasily is not used to asking. For some reason he always thinks that he won’t succeed.” - “Persuade your husband. And I’ll find the right conspiracy.”
In the evening of the same day, Lena began to persuade her husband. “Vasya, even if they refuse you, they won’t do anything. Try, ask, tell me, your wife is malicious, she has created a scandal.” “Well, Lenka, give me...” the husband drawled, smiling. - “Yes, blame it all on me. Remember the fairy tale about the Goldfish, or something... Ask. And read these words.” - “What is this?” I won’t read anything!” - “Well, even if you don’t believe it, these are just words. Read them now, and the next morning go and ask. Tell me, they say, the family is on the verge of collapse, that’s all...” - “Well, okay...”
Photo: PHOTOXPRESS.RU
Vasya took the spell that I wrote and began to read: “In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen. I, servant of God Vasily, will stand, blessing myself, go, crossing myself, enter an open field, stand facing east, towards the clear morning dawn, towards the red sun, towards the evening dawn, towards the dark night. The morning dawn rejoices at the coming out of the red sun, the evening dawn rejoices at the dark night, the dark night rejoices at the frequent and clear small stars, at the young (or old) bright month, so would all the leading and official people and judges rejoice and rejoice over me, the servant of God Vasily the righteous, wherever I come or arrive, and what I ask them for, they would not be able to refuse me anything and would not make my request useless. Amen".
The next day Vasily went to work. He doubted whether the conspiracy would be useful, whether the words he did not understand would work. He walks along the corridor, hanging his head, and then the boss comes towards him, joyful and cheerful. “Well, Vasya! You submitted the project ahead of schedule, I looked at it and showed it to the general. Well done! December 28th will be a holiday for all of us after the presentation. Why are you so sad?” - “Yes... I have problems, Pyotr Kuzmich. My wife won the ticket and the plane arrived on December 28 in the evening. I’ll present the project, but then you have to choose: either a fun corporate party or a satisfied wife.” - “What is there to choose? You've done the work, but the corporate party will be okay without you. I need happy employees. How can you rejoice if you know that your wife lost her New Year’s trip because of you?” Vasily was speechless for a minute. Previously, the boss did not care about such problems. "Thanks a lot!" - speaks. “You, Vasya, if you need something, ask. They don’t take money for asking,” the boss laughed and moved on.”
Source: https://7days.ru/entertainment/unknown7d/olga-anokhina-razgovor-snachalstvom-kak-dobitsya-svoego.htm
Be calm
You will hear your heart pounding or feel yourself flushed, but do your best to remain neutral and calm in both your speech and your demeanor in the meeting.
When your body language communicates reluctance or anxiety, it undermines your message. You send ambiguous signals to your interlocutor, and after that the interlocutor must independently decide what exactly to accept as the truth - the content of your words or your state.
Taking deep breaths and speaking mindfully at a slow pace will help you calm down. It is a known physiological fact that when we feel panicked, we speak louder and faster. You don’t need to be a gray mouse or speak in a whisper, just slow down and present your arguments in your usual tone - this will help calm your interlocutor and calm you down. You'll appear more confident, even if you're shaking deep down.
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When talking about an issue, when you begin to express your concerns, be careful with your language. You should avoid any judgmental words such as “shortsighted,” “stupid,” or “hasty,” which could throw the boss off balance. My advice is to simply eliminate all adjectives from your speech as they can be misinterpreted or taken personally. Talk only about facts.
For example, instead of saying, “I think it would be naive to hope to finish the project in the first quarter,” you might say, “We've done four similar projects in the past, and we were only able to complete one in that time frame, but there were some special conditions". Try to stick to neutral language and focus on the facts; your disagreement should sound sincere, reasonable, and to the point.
Working with a difficult manager. Definition and influence
With the exception of your parents and family, few people in your life will have as much influence as the bosses you work for. Luckily, most of them will be passable. That is, they are worthy both in terms of functional and technical skills, and in terms of interpersonal communication with you and the team.
Of course, some can be very difficult leaders. These are people who may have excellent professional skills, but their values, personality, or interpersonal skills are seriously compromised. More specifically, a difficult boss is someone you report to but whom you don't respect or like, and who poses a threat to your mental health and professional progress. He causes you stress by acting inappropriately towards you or your colleagues, constantly criticizing your work and violating ethical standards of behavior.
Very often, when someone is faced with a difficult boss, they simply decide to be quiet and do nothing in response. They choose the path of least resistance. At some level, this type of conflict avoidance may be understandable, but it is not the best choice.
You see, when you choose not to take action, you run the risk of continually causing problems for yourself. The threat of an intolerable leader is quite varied. They can affect you in several ways. For example, they will affect you mentally, causing cognitive fatigue, greater difficulty concentrating and thinking rationally, and increasing the likelihood of negative thoughts. They will affect you physically due to the strong connection between mental and physical fatigue, which means you will always feel it when you are constantly in their presence.
The conclusion is that your productivity will begin to decline. The more tired and mentally stressed you feel, the more difficult it is for you to perform at a high level. Of course, all of this involves taking a hit to your reputation and the quality of your relationships. Thus, the end result is a decrease in your professional potential.
What can you do in this case? First you need to create an action plan. It’s one thing to constantly blame your boss, believing that all problems come only from him. It's another matter entirely to fine-tune your thoughts so that you can clearly articulate what the source of the problem might be. Only when you clarify the root cause of the problem can you begin to respond effectively to it.
Try to remove your emotions and look at the current situation more soberly. Do not make sudden conclusions, but rather take a deep breath and think about the root causes of this situation. There could be four reasons: you, your manager, interactions between the two of you, and various external factors. Let's look at each of them.
- Many of you think that they can't be a problem. This may be true, but it may not. You don't see yourself and your behavior as clearly as you think. This is a simple fact of life, backed up by years of research. Whether you have a small or significant contribution to the situation, if you want to find a fair solution, you need to overcome your pride and start analyzing the situation without excluding yourself as the cause.
- Your leader. Does he criticize you about your poor performance? Does he constantly bother you over trifles? Behaving inappropriately? Are you only concerned about one thing about his behavior or is there a longer list? Try to find answers to these questions before moving forward.
- Interaction between you and your boss. You can be completely normal people individually, but when the two of you interact, disagreements and other tense moments arise. It's part of the reality of personality interactions that two personalities don't mesh well together. Recognizing this makes it easier to solve the problem.
- The external factor could be stress in your life or your boss, tension in your team due to recent productivity or budget problems, or problems within the company itself. The point here is simple: you cannot allow external factors to negatively influence the way you view your manager. It's not fair and it won't help you improve the situation.
In general, the more clearly you understand what is causing tension between you and your boss, the more likely you are to be able to figure out how to deal with it.
Be discreet
As the conversation progresses, emphasize that you are presenting only your opinion and not biblical truth. It may be a balanced, well-thought-out opinion, but it is still an opinion, so speak carefully and understate your confidence a little. Instead of saying, “If we set the deadline at the end of the quarter, we won't get it done,” it's better to say, “That's just my opinion, but I really don't see how we'll meet that deadline yet.”
I recommend adding introductory phrases here, such as “I'm thinking out loud now.” They leave room for dialogue. After expressing your opinion (as an opinion, not as a fact), show genuine interest and curiosity in the other person's point of view. Remind your interlocutor that this is your point of view, and then invite him to share his view of the situation. You can say this: “I really could be wrong, please tell me.” And be sincerely willing to hear another opinion.
Recognize his authority
In the end, it should be recognized that the final decision will be made by the person who has the authority to do so. It’s better for you to say: “I understand that you will now make the final decision, and it depends only on you.” This will not only show that you know your place in the hierarchy, but will also remind the boss that he, too, has a choice. Do not give up your opinion and do not give false assessments. It is entirely within your power to show respect to your superior while maintaining your dignity.
1 Grenny Joseph. Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill Education; 2nd edition. 2011, September 9.
2 Weeks Holly. Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them. Harvard Business Review Press. 2010, May 20.
3 Gallo Amy. HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict. Harvard Business Review Press. 2020, April 4.
