Why does a child do everything out of spite: we study the reasons - we look for a solution

View from the outside

Who is an uncontrollable child? This is a child who does not comply with the requirements and rules of his parents, who does not obey them.

Let's remember what uncontrollable behavior of a child looks like from the outside. For example, imagine that a child is rushing like a tornado through a children's psychological center. It seems that he is in several places at the same time. He climbs everywhere, touches everything, tugs, pulls, addresses people he meets without waiting for an answer. When grabbing valuable objects and receiving comments, he reacts inappropriately, aggressively, rushes into a fight or shrugs it off and rushes on, threatening to break something. In such situations, mothers are usually completely at a loss: they don’t want to be heartless and cruel to the child, but they can’t do anything to stop the disorder.

It happens that the child seems to have calmed down and shown obedience, but after some time everything becomes the same again: the baby does not obey, those around him are unhappy, the parents are shocked.

And it happens that children behave quite quietly and peacefully in kindergarten, school or at a party, but at home they turn into real hooligans and practically destroy the whole family with their behavior.

What could cause such demonstrative behavior?

What to do when a 3-year-old child does not obey?

“Everything should be my way! Why should I do as the teacher wants? Donkey stubbornness? Not at all! A 3-year-old child is hysterical, does not listen, and does something out of spite for a good reason. A difficult turning point in relationships with adults has arrived, the so-called crisis of negativism. The child learns to defend his own opinion, to balance his needs with the demands of his elders. In the struggle for the right to an alternative point of view that does not coincide with the authoritative opinion of the majority of others, conflicts cannot be avoided. Accept that for some time the situation in the house will heat up to the limit. Your task is to find a special approach to the rebel. Every problematic situation should be sorted out at a family council. Make concessions if the child’s position is truly justified. Recognize his right to choose a red T-shirt instead of a yellow one if such a color scheme best suits his mood at the moment. If the disputant is wrong and compromise is impossible, explain in detail the reasons for your disagreement.

Be patient and control negative emotions

Did a rebel at home break your favorite cup out of spite? Children often work for the public. Don't pay attention to their outrageous antics. Try to restrain yourself and not say too much in a fit of anger. It’s better to pretend that you didn’t notice how it happened and postpone the debriefing until a later date. In this case, without seeing the expected effect immediately, the naughty guy will quickly lose all interest in getting on your nerves.

Show your child that he is loved

Feel free to show parental affection with affectionate addresses, kisses and hugs. What to do if a child does not obey at 2–3 years old? Don’t take up arms with the whole family clan against the troublemaker: it’s definitely not worth scolding the naughty guy in different voices. Such internal strife will not lead to anything good. One reprimand for a grease stain on a white shirt is enough. General hostility will only further harden the heart of the little rebel. He will snap at you with redoubled force.

During tantrums, hug your child and tell him that you understand that he is upset now

Screams, cries and stomps his feet - sometimes the restlessness can be simply unbearable. Try using the effective “contrast shower” technique:

• respond to shouts in a calm, quiet voice;
• interrupt the long emotional tirades of the tomboy with laconic remarks on the merits of the issue;
• stop his random gestures with playful “hugs”; tactile contact has a calming effect.

Let's consider the reasons

The reasons for children's uncontrollability are different:

1. Congenital developmental features (psychophysiological). Experts most often point to hyperkinetic syndrome, which is expressed in excessive involuntary movements. This pathology manifests itself in the form of behavioral disorders. Unfortunately, in such cases, parents do not always rush to see a doctor, although in this case treatment is simply necessary.
2. Age crisis. If you notice that a child regularly throws toys around, does not listen at all, and reacts to comments with hysterics, then most likely the reason for his uncontrollability is age-related crises (from one to three years, six to seven years, adolescence). Age-related crises occur in all normal children. Reacting to events in his life with hysterics and whims (at a younger age), stubbornness and laziness (at an older age), the child grows and learns about the world, discovering a new understanding of it, realizing the limits of permissibility. During these periods, parents just need to be more attentive to their children.
3. Unhappy child. Internal troubles can cause a child to become uncontrollable. In this case, the child’s behavior, which is difficult to control, is the child’s cry for help. By his behavior, the little rebel demonstrates to adults that he has problems.
4. Misbehavior of parents. Parents who do not have enough pedagogical knowledge and experience may behave incorrectly towards a rebellious child: provoke him, encourage whims, etc. A child is not born bad. He simply behaves as his parents allow him to. The child’s behavior is affected by whether we allow or prohibit, allow or restrict, whether we are attentive to him or indifferent.

“This may be useful. Parents’ confidence in their actions and consistency in their demands on the child, a clear idea of ​​what is possible and what is not, is the key to obedience and adequate behavior.”

Most often, it is the pedagogical illiteracy of parents, their reluctance to devote time to raising a child, that underlies children's uncontrollability.

How to get obedience from a child?

In fact, the question is not how to make a child obey, but rather how to establish contact with him so that there are no quarrels, shouting and misunderstandings. If contact is established, then requests for help around the house, to study diligently, and the like, will be heard and fulfilled. You need to understand that a 6-year-old child is no longer the same as he was at 2 or 3 years old. If at 2 years old his psyche was still unstable, he often did not know what he wanted. Due to hunger, small children are also very capricious.

Features of preschool age 6-7 years

But at 6 years old, these are already formed little personalities who have their own inner world, unique thinking and perception of the environment. The child has his own opinion and if it is incorrect, then this can be discussed with him without shouting, threats or force. Perhaps the parents will not be heard the first time, but if you have patience, show that you are right by example, and repeat several times, but in a firm, confident tone, you will definitely succeed.

Some children become withdrawn at the age of 6-7 and “withdraw” into themselves

It is worth considering the main points that will help achieve child obedience:

1. It is necessary to establish trusting relationships in the family. Children are not stupid, especially at 6 years old, so you can explain to them what, how, why. Eliminate anger from communication, although it is not easy. If mom or dad is in a bad mood, tired or exhausted by problems at work, then you can tell the child about this that he is not in the mood now, and there is a risk of losing his temper, getting angry, postponing the conversation and teaching for a time when he feels better, but not delay with this.
2. Personal requests should not be asked in a demanding tone. Imagine that something is required of you. This attitude irritates and infuriates not only children, but also adults. Therefore, you need to ask softly. If this does not help, then without leading to screaming, add firmness to your voice and physical contact: take the child by the hands, look decisively into the eyes, and achieve full attention to your words. This should all happen in a friendly manner, and not as a threat or ultimatum.
3. Don't forget about praise. Let there be things that each person must do, personal responsibilities and the like. But family relationships would be better if the father was thanked for getting up every morning to work, if the mother was thanked for cleaning, cooking and taking care of the family, and the children were thanked for their help, obedience, and good studies.
4. The child needs to be told that there are emergency situations when arguing is unacceptable. Give some examples. To teach a child to obey, show this by your own example, because children look up to their parents and learn from them.

The child needs to be told when not to be capricious.

What to do about hyperactivity?

It happens that the reason for a child’s uncontrollability lies in his hyperactivity . For a child with increased activity, a state of uncontrollability is common. Such children, even with all their desire, cannot restrain themselves.

What to do with hyperactivity?

1. We are studying the issue of hyperactivity. First, parents should understand this issue by finding out what manifestations of behavior are characteristic of hyperactive children. Such children are distinguished from ordinary ones by too free behavior and disobedience. They do not respond to prohibitions and requests, and also do not know how to manage emotions and desires. These characteristics are the basis of their restlessness, contradictions and fears. Being in constant logical tension causes emotional damage to the child, which makes both the child and his parents feel bad.
2. Let's show calm. Remember that aggression breeds aggression. If you do not restrain yourself in relation to your child, you will not be able to come to an agreement with him, but will only worsen the scandal. Restrain your emotions (after all, we are adults too), be consistent in your actions and decisions. Seeing your calm behavior, the baby will cry and calm down.
3. We introduce a clear daily routine. Hyperactive children need to be busy with something all the time. Make a small bright poster with the daily schedule and place it in the child’s field of view. Write down how much time is allocated for each activity. Don't forget to remind him of his responsibilities.
4. We give it to sports. The best way to use the excessive energy of a hyperactive child is to enroll him in a sports section. The child should enjoy playing sports. In the process of training, he will not only throw out negative energy and accumulated aggression, but also learn to maintain discipline.

If none of the described methods helps or is not suitable, it is better to consult a psychologist or doctor: the reason for uncontrollability may lie in a congenital brain disease.

Parental behavior patterns

“Did you know that there are no uncontrollable children, but there are parents who cannot cope with their child?”

When the baby grows up, he begins to fight for attention to himself, for self-affirmation. Most often this occurs in the form of various protests against guardianship and supervision, demands, strictness or, conversely, indifference of parents. These patterns of parental behavior only stimulate children's disobedience and develop their capriciousness.

One of the most common reasons for a child’s uncontrollable and demonstrative behavior is insufficient attention from parents. The fact that parents do not pay attention to the child or do not spend enough time with him can encourage him to behave inappropriately. There is nothing worse for children than indifference. So they try to attract attention to themselves.

Problems arise in families where mom and dad are inconsistent in their demands: they don’t keep promises; today they allow, and tomorrow they allow; dad says one thing, mom says the exact opposite, and grandma says the third. A child from such a family will easily manipulate adults, staging entire performances. Parents must agree on a common upbringing tactic, decide what is allowed for the child and what is not, and outline the boundaries of what is allowed.

"Advice. An adult must remember that he is the main initiator of building a relationship with a child.”

Parents' mistakes

Many inexperienced mothers and fathers do not even suspect how their words and actions affect the upbringing of a child. As they say, you learn from mistakes, but the saying does not apply in this case.

If you do not realize your parenting mistakes in time, it will be even harder in the future. Just imagine, your child is 6 years old, he doesn’t listen to you at all, but what will he do as a teenager? He will start taking alcohol and drugs, smoking, and leaving home. You must not allow this to happen.

• When a child becomes uncontrollable, some mothers say they will no longer love him. Of course, this is just a threat, one might even say a lie. The baby feels it. If you cheat even once, you will lose trust in him. He will think that you are constantly lying. It's better to say that you love him, but you don't like his behavior.
• They say that you need to behave strictly with children. The age of your child does not matter - it could be six years or more, but he must obey his elders, understand what, how and why he is doing it. Children can obey everything unquestioningly, but when you are not at home, all prohibitions are instantly forgotten. To do this, you don’t need to be strict with your baby, you just have to explain to him why and why he is doing what you asked.
• Some teach children independence from the age of 6. The child is still too young to be prepared for adulthood, claiming that disputes and evidence are useless. The baby needs to see that you are not indifferent to his actions and actions. Otherwise, thoughts about doing bad things will continue in his thoughts, which will materialize at this very moment. You need to show your friendly intentions. And it doesn’t matter whether you like the child’s behavior or not. When you disagree with your baby, say so, but at the same time explain how much you love him and help him if necessary.
• Children are like rays of light. They fill our lives with care and warmth. Some mothers greatly pamper their little one, allowing him to do whatever his heart desires. It is not right. Of course, childhood is the best years of life, they should be remembered. If you are one of those educators, understand that life will not be sweet for a spoiled child. When you constantly blow off specks of dust from him, he will increasingly begin to experience a feeling of helplessness and loneliness. It is difficult for him to create his own family in the future, feeling under the wing of his parents. You yourself know that mother’s daughters and sons are not in demand when searching for a soul mate.
• Not every family has enough finances to buy their baby everything he wants. Parents deny their child many things. The mother blames herself for not being able to pamper the baby and buy new things. She suggests that having money can make her a better mother. Everyone knows the banal expression: “Money can’t buy love.” No matter how much money you have, your baby will never love you if you don’t pay attention and don’t play together. Money can not buy happiness!
• If you dreamed of doing music or something else as a child, but for some reason this did not happen, forget it like a bad dream. Don't force your child to do something you didn't get to do in due time. Why force him? He is an individual and must decide for himself what he wants to do. While the child is small, he will be reluctant to go to the hated circle, and when he becomes a teenager, you will begin to grab your head. Protesting can lead to disastrous consequences. When planning your child’s schedule, give him time for personal matters.
• Not giving your child time is the biggest mistake. When a baby hears from his parents that he has no time for attention, he will begin to seek it from others. If the parent's work schedule is scheduled for the whole day, paying attention to the baby will not be difficult. When a mother thinks that washing children’s clothes, preparing food, buying toys and sweets is included in the “attention” item, she is deeply mistaken. The main thing is not how much to communicate with the child, but how. He wants someone to read him a fairy tale, sit with him, and play with him.

If this is how you were treated as a child, this does not mean that you should raise your kids this way too. When you stop making such mistakes, finding a common language with your baby will become much easier.

We feel sorry for mom

It’s such a pity for those parents who just can’t cope with an uncontrollable child. You can often hear unpleasant words addressed to the mother of a little fidget. People around them consider such mothers to be indifferent to raising their own child, unable to influence him, calm him down, or explain the rules of behavior. It’s easy to say that: after all, this is someone else’s child. It is difficult for others to put themselves in the mother’s place. And when you put it on, you can only feel insane tension, fatigue, and despair.

Depending on the psychological characteristics of the mother, she may perceive the child’s uncontrollable behavior differently. One of them will react to stress with protective inhibition, outwardly showing indifference, but internally being very worried. Another mother, on the contrary, will control every step of the tomboy, feeling annoyed and showing irritability. Both styles are far from the best options.

When a mother is ashamed of her child’s violent behavior, this is a sure sign. She realizes the problem, tries to find a way out of it, looks for reasons in herself. If the mother justifies the child in everything he does, blaming caregivers, teachers, children and other surroundings for the existing problems, then she does not perceive the situation adequately. Such a mother has a distorted idea of ​​social norms of behavior; she is unable to change the situation for the better. This mother will easily instill in her child the idea of ​​the hostility of the world, sowing fears in his soul. And hyperactive children are already characterized by increased anxiety.

In any case, others should treat with understanding a mother who has such a problem child, because this is not an easy test. And the optimal way to start solving a problem for a mother should be love for the child, however, not thoughtless, but aimed at positive upbringing.

What to do when a 6-year-old child does not obey?

There are no one-time tantrums. Having tasted the forbidden fruit once and received what he wanted, the heir will gradually turn into a real domestic tyrant. We are taking retaliatory measures before it is too late.

Confidential conversation

Following the advice of a psychologist on what to do if a child does not listen and is rude at the age of 5–7, you will have to show miracles of patience to put the little rebel in his place:

1. Try to encourage your child to have a heart-to-heart conversation. Create suitable conditions: in the evening before bed, in dim light, after a glass of your favorite drink, the fidget will listen to you more attentively than usual. Share with him an instructive story from your childhood. For example, this could be a story about how dearly you sometimes have to pay for an offensive, hastily spoken word to someone.
2. Model ideal behavior. You'll need the help of an artistic friend. Play out a small conflict scene in which the main character will be able to get away with it thanks to his impeccable knowledge of the rules of politeness. The genre of impromptu performance will undoubtedly interest the child more than boring moral teachings. At this age, children are prone to imitation. The more contagious the example, the greater the chance that the tomboy will begin to copy the correct model of behavior.

Create and write down (draw) your rules of behavior on paper

Do not try to encourage compliance with basic politeness with “deserved rewards” in the form of sweets or pocket money. The “you to me, I to you” method will definitely not give the desired result. In matters of compliance with the rules of the game in the field of family education, bargaining is inappropriate. By bribing a treasure with candy or money, you will become the owner of that very “cheap authority” that will not work at the right time. Answering the popular question from parents about what to do with a disobedient child, practical psychologists give simple advice: establish a clear list of requirements. They must be complied with in any situation. Are you good at drawing? Great! A set of rules of behavior in the popular comic book format will be remembered faster.

If a child breaks the rules, find out the reason for this and punish him mildly

“Again you drew on the wallpaper with a marker! How can?! March to the corner immediately!” Yes, with this approach, an abyss separates you from a pedagogical feat. Put yourself in the place of the prankster. Perhaps the impetus for wall art was some kind of internal anxiety. Let the original artist speak. It is important to understand what the motives for the rebellion are. If such a method of self-expression is still prohibited in your family, then the person responsible for the upcoming European-quality renovation will have to be punished. Without fanaticism, but in such a way that one understands that even force majeure is not a reason to overstep the boundaries of what is permitted. Send, for example, a young talent into solitary exile in a nursery. Give time to think about your behavior.

What to do if your child is uncontrollable

In most cases, uncontrollable behavior can be controlled, albeit with difficulty. Let's see what can be done at each specific age:

1.5-2 years. It is better to make a list of your requirements for your child from early childhood and monitor their fulfillment. At this age, a child can be influenced by any method that works: distraction with a bright toy or sweets, an interesting game. The baby does not eat, does not put away toys - this will continue until you change his attitude towards these matters. Remember: it is not you who depend on the baby, but he who depends on you. For children, the rule of “absolute prohibition” should work, which must be strictly observed. For example, do not go near the stove or iron under any circumstances.

3-4 years. At this age, the baby learns to be independent, he wants to do everything himself. Children explore what is possible and what is not. If they behave well, their parents approve of them with smiles. If not, no big deal. Pay attention to what your baby is doing well and praise him more often. With the help of encouragement, you can change your baby for the better. The task of parents is not to scold (and under no circumstances beat) their children, but to gently guide them, showing them how to behave well.

6-7 years. This is a period of intensive development of the child’s cognitive processes, as well as entry into a new society - school. The child begins to study intensively, gets used to the new daily routine, and tries to establish relationships with classmates. Parents need to be attentive to their child, help them get involved in the learning process, overcome communication difficulties, and support them.

9 years and older. Around this age, hormonal changes begin that can affect the child's behavior. The student grows, his interests change, he develops physically and emotionally. You need to work with teenagers in a special way, because parental solidarity and understanding are important to them. Cultivate an optimistic spirit. Find common hobbies and spend weekends together. Be an authority figure for your child.

Watch a video in which a psychologist advises how to deal with a naughty person

If parents work not only on their children, but also on themselves, thinking about methods of education, then they will achieve success and overcome the child’s uncontrollability.

7 year crisis or promiscuity

My first grade son has behavioral problems. Of course, he was never a good boy - an ordinary active, inquisitive child, but he always knew his limits, was well-mannered, and it was possible to come to an agreement with him without any problems.

From the age of 7 it becomes more and more difficult every day. It’s as if he ignores his parents, we say the same thing 10 times - the answer is, at best, “aha,” but no action. Constantly hovering in the clouds until you bark properly, and at the same time it also begins to snap. I generally don’t like scandals, but I no longer have the patience to constantly persuade him, I yell almost every day. Nothing supernatural is required from him at all, requests like change clothes for school, don’t crumble on the floor, stop squeezing the younger one, go brush your teeth, sit down for homework - that is, what he simply did before himself. Shut up at every stage! He doesn't hear anything...

She picks around for food for hours - she starts picking up the plate after 15 minutes, she walks around hungry. When getting dressed for a walk, he always gets distracted - that’s it, we leave without him, he sits at home.

He also periodically sits with homework until the evening, although he can easily do everything in half an hour.

He is late for training, instead of getting ready quickly - he came across a book and sits reading with his pants down. It’s as if he constantly forgets what he was going for and what he needs to do. It seems like nothing special, but when it happens all day long, it’s incredibly annoying.

And it was not only he who stopped hearing us. The nanny began to complain that she could barely crawl from school and did not respond to requests to hurry up. Yesterday, a friend took him to training (our children go skiing together) - she said that after finishing, when everyone went down, ours alone went up! She was worried about where to look for him, and she had to wait a long time. He simply chuckled at the remark. For me, this situation is already an edge!

And so it is in everything. I’m terribly tired, I can’t get through in any way. He is not deprived of attention, there doesn’t seem to be any stress, school is easy, and he is not jealous of his youngest. I don’t know what to do, sometimes I’m just shaking. And sometimes I forget and save my nerves by not repeating it 100,500 times - now he has been walking around at home in uniform for 3 hours, after repeated requests.

It seems like a small thing, but at this rate it’s not far from big problems. Maybe I got blown in the butt (although this doesn’t seem to be typical for us), or after the birth of my second I wasn’t always able to respond in a timely manner to the older one - so he relaxed, or is this just a period that I have to go through?

How to find an approach

To prevent or correct a child’s uncontrollable behavior, we suggest following a system of rules:

1. Be consistent. Learn to keep your word to your child and fulfill your promise. Do not break established family rules.
2. Be firm in your prohibitions. A child may feel weak if something is not allowed in the morning, but in the evening it is already possible.
3. Communicate with your child as equals. Respect the child’s opinion, value his personality, take his opinion into account. When you refuse something, explain why.
4. Develop a daily routine. And make sure your child adheres to it. This will teach the child discipline and order and reduce protests to a minimum. Be close to your baby, teaching him daily activities. Repeat the steps again and again. It will take a long time before he learns to follow the regime of his own free will.
5. Do not Cry. A child is a small person who wants to be respected. Therefore, be respectful to the baby, do not raise your voice, do not scold, do not blame, do not hit.
6. Don't read the notes. It’s better to clearly order or interest someone once than to tediously exhort.
7. Don't ask questions that encourage lying.
8. Communicate with your child more often. This way you will find a common language.

If hysteria happened

• You can sit the baby on your lap, hug him, talk to him tenderly, looking into his eyes, until the hysteria passes.
• You need to distract the child with something neutral, use humor and affection. When the child calms down, you need to calmly explain to him that this cannot be done.
• Leave the room during the tantrum. The performance is always aimed at the audience.

The main thing in working with children's uncontrollability is that your efforts, restrictions and prohibitions should be united by the power of parental love, care and confidence that you are raising the child for the good.