Divorce is always a tragedy for a family. The wife suffers, the children suffer, and the relatives worry. Most likely, the spouse also feels guilty. In such a situation, the support of loved ones and wisdom are very necessary, which is not always enough. Who knows how many families would have been saved if people had not been guided by stupid ambitions and absolutely unnecessary feelings, such as pride, anger, anger. And there are situations when the divorce process is completed, the property is divided, the ex-spouses have already separated, but the realization comes that love still exists and it is very difficult to live without a loved one. What to do in such situations?
Why does a woman want her ex-husband back?
A family can break up for various reasons: from ordinary omissions to the appearance of a mistress. But after a divorce, a man and a woman have completely different positions. The man is free, no longer burdened with his family, but the woman does not experience any changes, except for the absence of her husband. Therefore, it is often women who take the first step to restore the family. Why do they do this?
- Loneliness. Psychologically, it is very difficult to adjust to a new life. What’s frightening is that your spouse is no longer in the house, his things or accessories are no longer in the bathroom. Even the quarrels that happened with my husband are missing.
- Fear of change. We have to start a new life. The usual daily routine changes, a lot of free time appears, which you don’t know how to fill.
- Common children. The most reliable catalyst for relationships. It is children who bring estranged spouses together during separations. It is for their sake that women forgive their husbands a lot and save their families. Just don't engage in self-sacrifice. There is no need to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your children. No one will be happy in such a family.
- Love. Some time passes after a divorce, grievances fade, and memories of the best moments of your life take their place. During such a period, the realization comes that there are still feelings, and divorce is a stupid mistake.
In this case, there is only one way out - to return the ex-husband back to the family. Someone will say that one cannot enter the same river twice, but these are speculations that do not need to be paid attention to. If you love and believe that your family has a chance, you need to take it. When looking for an answer to the question of how to get your ex-husband back, analyze what kind of relationship you have with him at the moment, remember why you got divorced, and whether you can forgive each other.
Depreciation letters
I would like to introduce you, dear readers, to the method of the psychotherapist Mikhail Litvak, whom I respect so much—depreciation letters. These are notes to your husband, arranged according to a certain algorithm. It is very important not to deviate from the established structure! And only then, when you have mastered this mechanism, can you move on to oral speech.
In the era of the Internet, I think this is the best option, and men perceive written text better. The essence of depreciation letters is to “stroking” the husband and reducing one’s advantages. Yes, yes, the worse you talk about yourself, the better they perceive you. Now you will understand everything from the example.
“Ilya! You are doing the right thing in not wanting to live with me. Now I’m not so energetic, not so attractive, not so slim, I don’t have such an elastic butt, I’m not so attentive to you, and most importantly, I wasn’t good in bed and tried to re-educate you often. Now I’m not such a sweetheart as I was before, not such a bunny.
I am writing this not so that you will return, but to thank you for the happiness that you gave me and to ask for forgiveness that I could not respond in kind. Now I understand how difficult it was for you to be with me: not to love me and to treat me so well. They say time heals, but so far I find it hard to believe.
But don't worry about me. I will try to calm down over time and live a happy life, if, of course, this is possible. So, I’m writing to you to ask for help in weaning myself off of you. Let's not meet? If you need to pick up something at home, then write an SMS, I’ll leave, or ask the children.
And another request. Please tell me what qualities I need to get rid of and what qualities I need to acquire in order to please a man like you. I understand that I will never meet anyone like you, but if I come across someone even remotely similar, I won’t miss my chance. I wish you happiness. Olga".
I will explain everything in order and point by point.
- Instead of “honey” and “bunny” there should be those affectionate words that your husband called you.
- Everything that came before this is the opposite of you, that is, if you have a wonderful figure, then we write “not such a chiseled figure anymore.”
- Well, about sex and re-education is usually true, since he left. But this reinforces the general impression of false repentance - true repentance.
- You should never directly say that you want your husband back. Subconsciously this will cause a reaction of irrevocable flight.
- The word “yet” (I find it hard to believe) indicates that you will not always be ready to take him back. So if he's just jacking up the price, he better hurry up.
- You ask not to see each other - subconsciously your husband has a desire to see each other (people are always drawn to the forbidden fruit).
I can already hear your “What would I do?!” Yes, I wrote to this bad man like that?! Was it also my fault?” That’s why I say that in the beginning you need to write just such letters according to instructions. If you want to get your husband back, you must be prepared for this. Try it, and you will soon notice a positive result that will pleasantly surprise you. If you don’t believe me, look for reviews on the Internet (this is a popular and really working technique).
Such a letter will at least make you think. There is not a hint of humiliation or education in it - complete acceptance and the desire to work on oneself. Awareness of loss and remorse. Coming to terms with leaving. Well, how can you not return to such a smart and wise woman?
If you involve children, then only this way
It is strictly forbidden to make a mediator or referee out of a child, manipulate him or throw mud at each other in his eyes. But if your child is not inclined to return his father, then you can write him a letter of amortization (the example is borrowed from the book by Mikhail Litvak, but slightly modified).
“Anton! Forgive me for all the bad things I said about your dad. He's a wonderful person. I am very sorry that I could not behave in such a way that he would stay with me. I’m glad that, despite all my conversations, you continue to treat both dad and me well, although, as I now understand, I don’t deserve it.
You better mind your own business and get out of our conflict. I see how hard it is for you now. You are already an adult. In the event of a divorce, you yourself must decide with whom to live. Maybe it's better for you to even stay with dad. He is a worthy man, and I failed to live up to his requirements. And most importantly, you should learn some kind of experience from all this, so that when your time comes to get married, you will not choose for yourself such an unworthy person as me. Your mother".
Do not worry! You will not fall in the eyes of your son, you will not lose authority, but you will gain an ally.
They returned it, and then what?
First of all, you can’t meet your husband in the context of “the return of the prodigal son,” that is, no “I came to my senses, I also came up with the idea of \u200b\u200bin my old age” or “I came to my senses, of course, you have children, what was I thinking about.” He will leave you on the same day.
Remember! No reproaches, insults or humiliations. Arrived and good. This is what you wanted, after all.
- In the relationship itself, it is important to respect the interests and freedom of the spouse. Allow him to be an independent person, but at the same time be one himself.
- The dependence of the spouses, in our case one-sided, has a destructive effect. In principle, it cannot be based on trust. You are afraid of losing your support, which means you will recheck the “stability of the chair” again and again. And at the same time, hatred will lurk in the subconscious because of this addiction.
Relationship with ex-husband
Building a relationship with your ex-husband is very difficult. But this is very important in order to return your ex-husband to the family. If you broke up not very nicely, then it is unlikely that one conversation will make him return to you. Therefore, the best solution is to establish good relationships.
Relationships with your ex-spouse should be calm and trusting. You continue to communicate. Contact him with requests, there is nothing wrong with that, just don’t overdo it, don’t be intrusive. Do not interfere with communication with children.
Make sure he visits your shared apartment. His native environment will bring back good memories. When he visits you, surround him with attention; your ex-husband should feel at home. As if by chance, turn on his favorite show, cook his favorite dish.
Maintain good relations with his relatives, and even more so with his mother-in-law. They will be on your side, on the side of family restoration.
Book by Alena Volk, Oleg Ideal and Sergei Sadkovsky “How to return a loved one”
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Typical mistakes women make after divorce
Unfortunately, many women, trying to fight depression, make fatal, irreparable mistakes. They only make the situation worse, and the worst thing is that some of them cannot be corrected.
Mistake #1: Feeling guilty. Everyone knows the popular wisdom that the husband is the head and the wife is the neck. Like, a smart wife will always guide her husband and save the family. Very often, when a family breaks up, you hear accusations directed at women: a good wife’s husband doesn’t drink, doesn’t party, and so on. There is no need to blame yourself. But you shouldn’t make only the husband to blame either. In a conflict, both are always to blame: some more, some less. Someone is a provocateur, and someone is a performer.
Mistake No. 2. Relationship with another man. The woman thinks that a new relationship will help her survive the divorce. She also hopes that her ex-husband will see that she is happy with someone else and will go crazy with jealousy. But that's not true. You are driven by revenge, not love. Feelings for her ex-husband have not yet cooled down, so a new relationship is unlikely to be a consolation. In addition, children and relatives will not understand your hobby.
Mistake #3: Getting depressed. There is no need to perceive divorce as the biggest tragedy of your life. Of course, breaking up is painful, but it is not the end of life. Do not whine under any circumstances, do not hide at home, eating away your depression with kilograms of sweets and liters of wine. You risk turning into a fat alcoholic who definitely won’t be needed by anyone. On the contrary, go out in public more often, attend cultural events and discos. It will be useful to change your image, change your hairstyle, update your wardrobe. A new hobby will distract you from bad thoughts. And, of course, communicate more with family and friends.
Mistake No. 4. Throwing all your energy into work. Many women do this, trying to forget about their ex-husband. They devote all their time and energy to work, stay late at work, and take overtime. Think about who needs this? They won’t erect a monument to you at work anyway, and the price of a successful career may be eternal loneliness and an empty apartment.
How to get your ex-husband back
After you have gone through a divorce, come to your senses, and built a good relationship with your ex-spouse and his family, it’s time to take decisive action. Now you act consciously, you are not controlled by any emotions other than the desire to restore your family.
- There is no need to directly say that you want your husband to return. But sometimes you can hint that you are always happy to see him.
- Sex can be a good way to restore relationships, and then family. But this is only possible if the couple has strong feelings; otherwise, your ex-husband will keep you as an alternate airfield. And you don't need that, do you?
- You need to make your ex-spouse fall in love with you. What kind of woman can he love? Of course, beautiful, kind, gentle, interesting, which is what you need to become.
- It can cause a little jealousy. For your ex-husband, portray the role of a woman who has admirers. Buy yourself a bouquet or chocolates, let him notice it. A sense of possessiveness will play in the man and, perhaps, he will take the first step.
- But no matter how much you want to get your ex-husband back, you should keep a little distance. You don’t seem to refuse him, you happily communicate with him, but at the same time keep him at a distance. Make him a little nervous, give him the opportunity to win you over again.
What to do to save the family?
According to professional psychologists, the behavioral strategy should be such that, as they say, “both the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe.”
Each person is unique, so any comparisons are, at a minimum, inappropriate. However, your loved one once made a choice, and not in favor of the “ex”. Your task is to make it clear to your husband (naturally, without scandals or conflicts) that the woman he divorced is now a stranger to him. The only thing she is for him now is the mother of their common children. And your wife is exactly you.
We must not forget that your husband lived with his ex-wife for a long time. And it is quite possible that he considers her a person worthy of respect. It’s stupid to think that their marriage consisted only of quarrels and scandals.
You cannot stoop to shouting and bazaar showdowns, even if you are provoked to do so. You need to protect your family intelligently, making it clear to your ex-wife that you are not interested in any intrigues. Sooner or later it will come to her.
This is how the stronger sex works, that not every man will tolerate conditions being imposed on him and attempts to manipulate him.
At the same time, he should know that constant calls from his ex-wife and other “signs of attention” are not very pleasant for you.
If your husband has maintained a relationship with his former family and supports him morally and financially, this characterizes him as a responsible person. Such people do not give up in difficult times.
Therefore, such initiatives can only be encouraged. After all, the most important thing for you is to realize that the man will not leave you and will not return to his previous family. But there are no “former” children. This is a truism.
Acting with ultimatums is dangerous because you can lose your husband's favor.
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How to strengthen relationships after family restoration
So, the family has been restored, perhaps you are officially married again. But what next? It’s not why you did so much work so that after some time the marriage broke up again for these reasons. You must change your attitude towards marriage: now this is not the same family that you had before the divorce, this is a new family with new relationships. Therefore, it is very important to constantly take the following measures to strengthen family relationships:
- Talk and solve problems, do not accumulate resentment within yourself.
- Go on a family vacation at least once a year. If you don’t have the means to travel abroad, go on a road trip around your home country.
- Have a little celebration for each other. Romantic dinners, small nice souvenirs, trips to the movies, theaters - diversify your life with such little things.
- Diversify your sex life. There is no need to say much here. As long as there is attraction to each other, the relationship is alive.
- Treat each other with respect.
Have you ever wondered why all romantic melodramas end with a wedding and vows of eternal love? We are never shown their future lives, everyday and financial problems, dirty diapers. Because family life is more than light romance. This is a huge daily work that requires enormous effort and patience.
