Not only things are convenient, but also people. More often, women take on the role of “comfortable”. This happens due to a number of factors, both external and internal. In the article we will look at the reasons for this model of behavior and how it differs from the behavior of a woman in the role of a queen.
From this article you will learn:
- Who is a “comfortable woman”?
- How does staying silent about your needs lead to self-sacrifice?
- What do men think about comfortable women?
- How to transition to queen state?
Both people should be comfortable in a relationship. Therefore, people initially build boundaries and set rules for comfortable interaction in the future. “Convenience” begins the moment one partner takes more than he gives.
Examples of “convenient” roles: a very efficient employee, an ideal wife or an obedient child. In the video, I explained in detail where people get their model of this behavior from. Follow the link, turn it on in the background and write down your insights in a notepad. Re-read when you track one of the listed reasons why women become comfortable.
The first reason: educational standards
The first reason why a woman becomes comfortable is the standards of upbringing. The foundation is laid in childhood and depends on values and how personal boundaries were formed. As children, we only accepted what our parents gave us. There was something useful, good and necessary for life: permissive attitudes, working mechanisms for interaction with other people. And there were also things that turned into blocks and did not allow us to move towards success or enter into normal relationships.
What is the standard of education? This is when a child is sure that he is loved only because he does something good for others, and not for himself. Over time, he develops the following belief: “First I have to give in order to receive in return confirmation that I am good, that I am loved and that I am valuable.”
This is how a person develops a responsibility. There is no unconditional love in his life because he came into this world. Parents could not show that if you are a girl, then you are: beautiful, smart, wonderful, gentle, kind. And if it was a boy, they might not have shown him that he was strong, that he could handle anything, that he was capable of anything.
Another scenario: the child was taught obedience. And although he may not agree with something, he must behave in such a way as not to disappoint his parents. On the one hand, this is not bad, but on the other hand, it leads to perfectionism in older age. Then such people spend their entire lives proving to the world that they are good.
The weaknesses of such individuals lie in their attitudes to be: better, stronger, superior to everyone. And they are usually accompanied by the following attitudes: “Don’t cry!”, “Don’t whine,” “Be strong.” In this state, the child strives to be at the peak of ideality. In his model of the world, he must cope with life's difficulties like a robot. And in addition to his ability to work, the child is taught that: “You must be joyful, or you must be joyful. People need to see that you are doing well.” And often, the nervous system cannot stand it, as blocked feelings about this break out.
In this case, the child’s self-esteem is formed on the basis of comparisons: “Look at everyone, why aren’t you like this?” And at the end of all destructive attitudes, the parent says: “I want to be proud of you.” In adulthood, such a child will always strive to fulfill the expectations of others so that they will be proud of him. Such parenting standards lead to chronic tension, which then turns into a clinical diagnosis.
Choosing the appearance
One of the common criteria that is often put forward by girls is the appearance of guys. They also want their gentlemen to be beautiful, attractive, well-groomed, neat, etc. There are girls who choose guys based on this criterion first of all. If a guy is ugly, then he may be rejected, no matter how good qualities he has.
You shouldn't pretend to be a superstar or an athlete. If you don’t want to exhaust yourself with sports and physical activity, then you shouldn’t do it. The only thing that is required of you is external attractiveness, maintaining body hygiene and clean, new clothes. Just be stylish. Know how to make yourself beautiful, regardless of muscle mass and body parameters. Always be clean and tidy. Do not wear dirty and torn clothes, but constantly update your wardrobe with new T-shirts, trousers and trousers.
Many girls simply value neatness, and not just pumped up muscles.
Second reason: low self-esteem
Self-esteem is formed in childhood. Parents say the girl is good or bad, similar to someone else or unique. And everything that a person takes at an early age under their influence will later be confirmed by a combination of circumstances and other people in his everyday life.
The man or woman then looks for someone who will say that something is wrong with them. In relationships, they move into an attitude of deserving the love of their partner. Because they feel needed only when they do something for others. Women often think: “If I don’t do anything good for him, he won’t love me.”
Guy potential
Girls always think ahead. Undoubtedly, this prospect should be primarily beneficial to them. What can a girl “get” from a guy if she starts dating him? You should not be offended by this aspect, since guys also seek their own benefits in relationships with girls.
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A guy's potential can be measured by various factors:
- He has rich parents who can provide money.
- The guy earns a lot of money, which he can spend on a girl.
- He has useful connections that seem interesting to the girl.
- He receives a quality education that will allow him to earn a lot of money in the future.
If a guy has prospects, then he will be interesting to girls. These include character qualities that will be useful in achieving success in society.
Third reason: mother's experience
Another reason for wanting to be comfortable is the family model in which mom served dad's interests. Mom gave her best to her man, her children, and only then to herself. Unfortunately, the girl will inevitably inherit such an example and will build relationships according to the same principles.
In such a family scenario, the “take-give” balance is disturbed. For example, a woman gives a man: recognition, faith in him, attention, care, affection, decides household affairs, gives birth to children, and so on. He accepts it but doesn't give enough back in return. It is not in the program of such a woman that she should receive something.
As a child, her parents did not instill the value of gratitude for her actions. She may not understand the value of her time, energy and other life resources.
Later she begins to complain that she “did the work for everyone.” Hence the mothers’ manipulations in the spirit: “I dedicated my life to you, and you...” But the child or husband might not have asked for this. Of course, she will be offended, since it has “accumulated” over the years.
Fourth reason: saving on yourself
A comfortable woman in a relationship is easy to recognize: she saves on herself. If you have such a habit, start changing this behavior pattern. Because its result will be: anger, resentment, hatred, contempt, pity, guilt. At the same time, the husband and children can wear expensive branded items. He can buy himself another car when, for example, he now needs a means of transportation more. And the moment she says: “Okay. For me later,” the woman sacrifices her interests and self-esteem.
If you use the word “okay,” it means that at this moment you are sacrificing something important to you. Pay attention to this. Having said the word “okay”, stop and think: “What am I sacrificing now?”, “How and for whom/what am I doing this?”, “Is this sacrifice worth the fact that I will later have an imbalance inside?”
Compatibility
Girls also evaluate gentlemen for similarities with them in emotional, sexual, psychological or moral terms. This is understood by the feeling of similarity, comfort, and finding a like-minded person. If there is compatibility with a guy at least on any level, then the girl begins to consider him as a potential partner.
Here, guys are often encouraged to at least find out about the interests of the girls they like. If you want to attract someone, then try to be similar to the girl in at least some way. This will ensure that you are at least interested.
Fifth reason: is silent about his needs/dissatisfaction
A comfortable woman is a “piggy bank” of unspoken preferences and dissatisfaction. It is difficult for her to ask for help, because it is inherent in her that “she owes it herself, so as not to owe anyone.” In our programs, the biggest obstacle for girls is precisely this point: asking a man for help. They are surprised that asking for help is about humiliation.
Men think differently. They don't understand what kind of humiliation we are talking about. A man is, first of all, physical strength. And when there is an opportunity to ask for help, it is better to do so. This is important to him because when he helps, he feels needed and that his strength is appreciated.
Sixth reason: sacrifice
A sign of a comfortable woman will be sacrifice. She yields to a man with her interests or natural needs. For example: the husband says that they are going to the dacha, but he doesn’t ask if it’s convenient/would she like it, since the family needs to be served. If you make such sacrifices or are afraid of scandals and quarrels, you do not have intimacy with your man on a feeling level.
Then you can complain to your friends that he is somehow different, doesn’t hear you, doesn’t want to talk, and so on. Therefore, it is important to develop in order to learn how to negotiate with a man. We talk about this in our 6-day online course “Man: honest instructions for use. No drama or manipulation.”
What behavior does the guy exhibit?
An important selection criterion is the behavior that the guy demonstrates. Here it is impossible to say what it should be, since different girls are accustomed to different manners:
- Give one an exemplary and intelligent boy.
- Give others a brutal male.
- Still others choose street boys and hooligans.
- Still others prefer to communicate exclusively with cultured men who can read poetry and charm with beautiful words.
Behavior may vary. However, some girls will like it, while others will not. It is by behavior that many girls choose their boyfriends. If it matches their preferences, then they are interested in guys.
Seventh reason: inability to accept gratitude
As children, we were not taught how to accept what we are given in return. In the CIS, when a child did something, they said to him: “Well done,” but they did not thank him, did not encourage him, and did not give him compliments. We are accustomed to minimal expression of emotions. We think that we don't need compliments. But how else can we receive information that we are beautiful?
When we on the “Woman’s Path” send girls to communicate with men, they accumulate from them the awareness that they are beautiful. Every person needs recognition from others. Because the whole world is our mirror.
Another thing is that when in childhood they suggested that she is the most beautiful, then she will have the appropriate self-esteem. I always thank my parents for repeating that I am beautiful. I have never had any issues with this in my life. Even if someone told me something opposite, it didn’t bother me. Because my parents - my gods - convinced me that this was not so.
Why do we think that if there are no compliments, gratitude and attention, it’s not scary? Because we don't feel worthy of it.
From childhood, for example, we get used to the financial level that our parents had and don’t ask ourselves whether we need more. Although we may want it. But we don’t have enough confidence that we can do it “more”.
Eighth reason: inability to protect personal boundaries
As a child, a woman was told: “Shut your mouth, your opinion is not particularly important to anyone” - she silently left. This forms a model of behavior in her: it is better to remain silent, because it is calmer, there is no conflict. Nobody cares what happens inside.
In a relationship, a woman does not understand where she should speak up in order for it to be good. Therefore, it is important to first agree on the rules of communication with each other “on the shore”, before you get into the same boat and start rowing.
“You can’t do this with me” is a key phrase for setting personal boundaries.
If a man came late and didn’t explain himself, and didn’t pick up the phone several times, even though you agreed on something, tell him about it. But this is provided that you have no fear that he will leave or something will go wrong. You have the right to tell him that: “I got ready, put on my makeup and spent a lot of time waiting for you. Although instead she could have gone with her friends/another man or to a cosmetologist and so on. But why did I wait for you and now I’m telling you this?”
If you are silent, then what is going on with a man? He understands that you are not going anywhere, that you are a good girl and will strive to maintain and create this relationship endlessly, sacrificing your interests. He gets used to it. It is better to discuss the rules of behavior with you from the beginning, so as not to be offended by the man later. If you allowed it differently, it’s not his fault. You simply haven't stated your needs.
Learn to say the following phrases: “Wait, dear, I understand everything, but I don’t want it that way. I do not like it…"
I wrote earlier about how to understand whether the man next to you is the right one.
Women find it difficult to say “no” because thoughts arise: “What if...?”, “What if I lose something...?” Therefore, they take a position where they sacrifice themselves. And this shows up in the little things. For example, in a restaurant a man chooses a dish for a woman, saying: “It’s tasty, healthy, better than...”. And she thinks: “Okay.” And thus he does not form his opinion, which gets worse over time.
Many people are in this state and want to break out of it, but don’t know how. It is impossible to change the rules by which we have lived for 10 years in one day. For example, a woman has been living all this time with an abuser or in a love triangle, saying that she loves her husband. There is no love in such relationships, including for yourself.
How do men feel about comfortable women?
Men quickly get used to comfortable women, because being around her doesn’t require much effort. She does everything on her own to make the relationship good. So she begins to live in the name of another person.
I learned from personal experience what it means to be a comfortable woman. Then I asked myself: why does it happen in life that a woman gives all of herself - emotionally and physically - to a man, and then he takes it and leaves for another? In this case, men usually answer that the woman’s problem is that she put him on a pedestal - the first place in life. Although, by default, she herself should come first.
Remember the expression from the Bible: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But for a woman, the primary task should be to love herself, so that she can then share this love with others. What is the expression of self-love? These are: self-respect, awareness of one’s own value in life, a clear understanding of the value of the time lived.
The secret of a man's love for a woman is her self-esteem. If she respects and loves herself, he will have the same feelings.
The difference with a comfortable woman is the absence of fears and complexes. If you get rid of them, your self-esteem will increase. Then the woman will not allow herself to be treated as something convenient in her field. And she will cease to be a servant of other people's questions.
Favorite and convenient: what's the difference?
Relationships with a woman who gives herself 101% to a man in most cases end in breakup. Reason: she is not valuable to him, but simply a service personnel. And the service staff is not exciting. Therefore, love triangles can drag on for many years. It’s easier for a man to go on the side, to get the emotion, but not to destroy what has been built over the years. He leaves for a woman who does not polish his crown, but hers.
A man needs a worthy woman - a king needs a queen. She is able to make him a king, but forgets about her own crown.
A position in which a woman is in the shadow demotivates a man. With this behavior she makes him poor, since there is no point in him moving for her sake.
I often get asked questions about how to motivate a man to earn millions. And I explain that until the woman herself has a million-dollar fortune, he certainly won’t have one. He needs a resource. He is aware of his own dignity and cannot allow himself to relax only next to a woman who works with herself and understands her worth, loves herself and respects herself. A large number of men, when meeting a worthy woman, say the following phrases: “This is too much for me. I won’t pull it, I can’t.”
It's up to you to decide. Either you go down and he follows you, or you form a normal partnership and grow together. Then, if the phrases sound in a couple: “I can’t do it anymore,” you will be able to say: “What do you mean you can’t? You have arms, legs, the world is huge.” A man has no right to say, “I can’t,” because he was created strong to be a protector.
I'm not saying he has to do this. But the words “honor” and “man” suggest that he will be a protector, will develop to fit a normal woman, and not demand something from her.
Read about whether it is possible to be happy with a poor man.
You can relax with a comfortable woman because she is in a position of deserving love. To avoid this, the woman must move into the position of queen by changing her content.
A man wants to take care of a woman who is self-sufficient and values herself. This will encourage him to be on an equal footing. He will always want to be a hero for her, a king, so that when he comes home he sees her smile, contentment and recognition. So he understands that he is coping with life and everything is fine with his self-esteem.
At best, comfortable women are pitied. But everyone wants to be loved, not pitied. There is pity where there is a lack of faith. A man looks at one and thinks: “Poor girl. I’m comfortable with it so far and I’m using it.” And he uses it, and she allows it.
Intellectual
If at school a guy can be considered a nerd, then in adulthood he will become an intellectual. And such guys attract girls more than uneducated guys who can’t talk.
If you have a lot of knowledge, add a sense of humor to it all. The combination of positivity and knowledge makes a guy interesting. Girls sometimes like to listen to talkative guys who know a lot and can tell something interesting. It’s good if you have deep knowledge that you can convey to girls in a language that is simple and understandable to them.
How to get out of a comfortable position?
A woman’s internal balance should come first for her, and, accordingly, her interests. If she has peace and joy inside, she can give it to others. Why should you be your number one priority? Because a woman creates a field around herself that corresponds to her internal state.
Take a short test. Mentally arrange your priorities in random order: home (man, children), work, yourself. And look who's in first place. If it's not you, the focus is wrong. You, as a woman, should be at the center. This is not about selfishness, but about the normal state of personality. Only when you are full, satisfied, harmonious and in balance, then everyone around you will experience the same.
Uphold personal boundaries
Stopping being comfortable means asserting personal boundaries. You can do this by more often using the words: “no,” “I’m uncomfortable,” or “I don’t want it that way.” The less fear you have, the more courage you have to say the word “no.” As a result, self-esteem increases. You will realize that it turns out that it was possible to limit people from entering your personal space. They can be prevented from using you.
Don't be silent about your wants, needs and grievances. Talk through the details that are important to you with your man. He won't guess why you pouted. He doesn't have to sit and think about everything. If you don't tell him, he will continue to do things that you may not like.
Delegate responsibilities
It is necessary to share responsibilities. Even if you work from home, for example, you can still ask your man for help. He also lives in this space. If he wants the house to be clean, he must help. This needs to be discussed initially. Because in a situation where a woman takes on everything, then a man comes and starts pointing out that: it’s dirty, it’s not lying right, the refrigerator is empty, and she doesn’t have the strength for either this or sex—conflicts begin.
Therefore, delegating responsibilities and the ability to negotiate are basic components of living together. Even if you have been together for a long time, it is never too late to start transferring responsibility to each other.
Especially when it comes to raising children. They should see that parents invest equally in their family, and not 80% on the woman and only 20% on the man because he earns money. The child will not understand why he does not see his father, but is with his mother around the clock. Subsequently, it will be difficult for him to even talk to dad.
Engage in self-development
In the process of self-development, a woman’s focus shifts to herself. She learns to hear herself and understand her desires. This helps her make the right decisions based on her intuition.
Maintain a balance of “take and give”
To get out of a comfortable position, you should stop disturbing the balance of “give and take.” When you do something for someone, you should get something in return. For example, you prepared dinner, which means your children or man should at least express gratitude. You must get feedback.
If you see that this is not happening, next time say: “I would like it to be like this...”, “I give/do this...., and in return I want...” and so on.
If a man replies, “Why should I do this?” Then the woman should limit her display of affection or not prepare dinner every time he returns home. Over time, the partner will begin to understand that the “faucet has closed” - which means he also needs to give something in return. This will be one of the rules of interaction with you.
Trust and intimacy are built when we openly tell our partner what we like and what we don’t like. If we remain silent about our needs because we are afraid to admit it, the couple will break up.
In order not to blame a man for how bad he is and that everything was wrong, learn to write a different script. I tell you how to realize your own worth and gain high self-esteem, despite the fact that your parents did not give you self-confidence in my author’s course “Rebooting the Past.”
The weaker sex: why do women choose male professions?
Guests
Nadezhda Mikhailova founder and instructor of a bodyguard school for women
Lyudmila Mosina, professor-practitioner at the Institute of Business and Business Administration (IBDA) RANEPA under the President of the Russian Federation
Vasilina Bukina Deputy General Director for HR at EAE-Consult
Alexander Shakhov social psychologist, expert on gender and family relations, blogger
Anna Shpenova, former employee of the Russian Ministry of Emergency Situations, St. Petersburg:
There can be no concern. The only exception is compliance with safety regulations and so on. That is, we clearly must insure each other. In this environment, where you have to make decisions at lightning speed and react to the changing environment around you, there is simply no time for these pleasantries.
Voice behind the scene:
Of course, she never dreamed of such a profession as a child. And then she was captivated by the stories of her firefighter acquaintances, and she thought: “Why not?” I studied at the University of the State Fire Service of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia and came to get a job, not knowing that it would become a kind of exception to the rule.
Anna Shpenova:
At first, of course, they were skeptical about this. They generally thought that I was about to play enough, get into a serious fire and say: “That’s it, boys, I’m changing clothes and going home.” But that did not happen. It doesn't matter whether you are a woman or a man. If you can do this work, you have all the data for this, then go and do it.
Voice behind the scene:
Today, girls from different cities who dream of becoming firefighters send letters to Anya and ask for advice. But, as the rescuer says, not everyone can do this. You need not only knowledge, iron character and psychological preparation, but also physical data. And be able to convince management that a woman is also capable of feats.
Anastasia Urnova:
Until recently, St. Petersburg resident Anna Shpenova was the only female firefighter in Russia. However, after filming a video with feminist overtones, she had to leave the service. And soon it became clear that the profession of “firefighter” in Russia is prohibited for women.
What do women who work in traditionally male jobs feel about their work and do they experience discrimination? And are men inclined to go into women's business? We are discussing today on the talk show “RIGHT! YES?” My name is Anastasia Urnova. And here are my guests:
Vasilina Bukina – Deputy General Director for Human Resources at EAE-Consult. She believes that when women are invited into a male profession, apparently, it is necessary to treat such things incomparably.
Lyudmila Mosina is a practicing professor at RANEPA. I am convinced that one of the signs of modern society is the increasing involvement of women in social life.
Nadezhda Mikhailova is the founder and instructor of a bodyguard school for women. She notes that many of its graduates have changed jobs and changed their lifestyle in a positive way.
Alexander Shakhov is a social psychologist, an expert on gender and family relations. Believes that a woman should know that male psychology is completely opposite to female psychology.
Alexander, as you know, in Russia there is a list of hard jobs and jobs with harmful or dangerous working conditions in which women are not allowed to work. The list has existed since 2000, but in fact it is a relic of Soviet times. And everything that happened then is laid down in the law now. In general, in principle, should the state prohibit women from engaging in this or that profession?
Alexander Shakhov:
Well, let's first define it. When we talk about a woman, do we mean a woman in terms of body or in terms of character? That is, we, psychologists, distinguish.
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Anastasia Urnova:
Well, in the law, of course, we are simply talking about a woman from the point of view of the body. This is how gender is determined in our country.
Alexander Shakhov:
Yes. And, unfortunately, this very definition of sex is a relic of the past, because we, psychologists, have been saying for a long time that there is sex and there is gender, and these things may not coincide. That is why there are such gender differentiations, there are transgender people and so on. That is, we are talking about the fact that there are men with a masculine character, with masculine character traits, masculine social behavior, and vice versa.
Should the government regulate? Well, he probably knows better, because differentiation still exists. Well, let’s put it this way: firstly, there is some kind of differentiation based on physical parameters. It is obvious that the average woman is physically weaker than the average man. And if the nature of the profession requires certain physical effort, then if a woman has passed this physical examination, for example, then she can certainly take part in this profession; if not, then neither man nor woman should.
From the point of view of psychophysical characteristics, modern psychology nevertheless proceeds from the fact that there is a difference in the psychophysical approach, there is a difference between a woman and a man in the psychophysical approach. In women, the excitability of the nervous system is higher. And a woman retains stress much longer than a man. If, by the nature of the profession, you need to quickly come to a calm state... Unfortunately, I don’t know what the list of professions is. If you need to quickly transition to a calm state, then it will probably be difficult for women to work here.
Anastasia Urnova:
I understand you. Thanks a lot.
Lyudmila, based on what Alexander says, it becomes clear that we are still talking about an average woman or an average man. But you can’t create such a generalization as we have in the law now, for example, that all women are simply not allowed.
I also want to mention that there is an interesting FOM survey. We asked people: how do they feel about banning women from taking up this or that profession? Interestingly, most people - both men and women - agree with this. They say: “Yes, that’s right, there should be such bans.”
Does this mean that we have a large number of gender stereotypes in our society, we are not yet ready for women mechanics, boatswains, tractor drivers, and so on?
Lyudmila Mosina:
Anastasia, about “ready or not ready?” - this is such a question, we will hang it up. What does "ready" mean?
But the main task of the state, one of the most important tasks of the state, is to take care of the vitality of the nation, that is, the viability of the nation. What is vitality? This is our ability to create offspring and optimal conditions for our own lives. Taking care of vitality means better conditions for self-realization.
What are gender differences? It is biological sex plus a set of cultural characteristics. And when my biological sex coincides with my social realization, then I become a more successful person. The state's concern, to a certain extent, was manifested precisely in the fact that it prohibited women from realizing themselves in certain professions, which, in the opinion of specialists and experts (and they, of course, took part in this), could interfere with this very vitality or vitality. Our opportunities may be different, but the purpose of a woman, well, most women as a biological sex, is still the reproduction of offspring, the preservation of life.
Anastasia Urnova:
Lyudmila, then I can’t help but ask you a question...
Lyudmila Mosina:
And Alexander also said about women’s emotions. This is the conclusion... The discovery of Giacomo Rizzolatti is very close to me. This is an Italian neuroscientist who, not in words, but in deeds, experimentally confirmed how the brains of men and women differ: women have more neurons responsible for emotionality and empathy. It is also important for survival, for vitality. Do you understand? A woman must pass on to the next generations the ability to rejoice, perceive life, and so on. Therefore, the state found an opportunity to take care of vitality in this way. This is neither bad nor good, it is what it is.
You asked an excellent question: should we do this or should we not? Life changes, situations change. And it seems to me that this law, which introduces a ban on certain professions, should also take these changes into account. And the fact that a large number of masculine women and feminine men appear is a fact that is confirmed, including statistically.
And if a woman wants to realize herself in this way, there should probably be some kind of commission or some kind of body that should consider the requirements for the profession, whether they correspond or not.
Anastasia Urnova:
Nadezhda, naturally, now I can’t help but turn to you, because... What is your answer to the peculiarities of women’s emotional reactions, to the fact that they need some kind of special commission? You are a bodyguard. Share your experience.
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
I'm the head of a bodyguard school, I'm already doing this. And all I do is prepare.
Well look. The point is what specific professions we are talking about. That is, there should be some kind of statistics here, in my opinion. Let's say (this is what we talked about at the very beginning), firefighters. If at least a thousand women go there every month, that’s one story. If only one, then that's a completely different story. It is clear that to take people out of the fire, to engage in this profession in general, requires physical abilities, including mental ones.
Anastasia Urnova:
Your profession tells us the same thing: you also need very special mental data. Is not it so?
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
At least our profession, so to speak, has been in this market quite a bit longer than firefighters or, say, women who are airplane pilots, or someone who climbs into a submarine. It’s easy to eat when you really need it and when one person wants it. Well, this is probably how we should look at it. That is, of course, some divisions are needed.
Anastasia Urnova:
Fine.
Vasilina, I can’t help but think about this. For example, I’m riding on the subway and see an advertisement that electric train drivers with a salary of up to 100 thousand rubles are needed. And I, for example, am a young healthy woman, I don’t want to get married, I don’t want children. But it turns out that I am deprived of the opportunity to apply for this position and for a good salary. Is this true in modern society?
Vasilina Bukina:
Anastasia, there is no justice either in modern society or in any other society. She simply doesn't exist. This word has torn many hearts and tormented many souls.
Anastasia Urnova:
And the word “no”.
Vasilina Bukina:
Speaking about your question, it is clear that this is such a good escalation for controversy, but, to be honest, I do not have specific information on your chosen profession. Although I think this is a very good example, because she is really highly paid, she is really important, necessary and in demand.
But I can say, for example, about my staffing schedule at work. We have slots for people to occupy: analyst, programmer, software engineer, developer. And they are provided with wages in the staffing table, which does not change in any way depending on whether this position is occupied by men or women, in no way at all. The changes concern only regional coefficients: Ural, northern, and so on.
Anastasia Urnova:
However, according to the latest data, women will have to wait several years, or even a century, until their salaries catch up with men's. Why is this happening? And how to overcome this inequality? We will discuss further in the talk show “RIGHT! YES?”
Lyudmila, in the World Bank gender equality ranking, Russia shares 34th position with Morocco, Uganda and Burundi. There are about 100 countries above us - they are simply in the same position. What's wrong with gender equality?
Lyudmila Mosina:
It is very important what we mean by gender equality. In general, now this concept in modern conditions of gender is a very plastic and unstable formation. And my colleague spoke about this at first. Gender equality, which we are trying to talk about more and more now, is still a concept that grows and grows from the cultural history of the state.
For example, in some countries women have long had to fight for their own rights. Here in Russia it was somehow easier with this. Well, in any case, if before the revolution (the Institute of Noble Maidens) femininity was cultivated, then later, especially during the Great Patriotic War, femininity faded into the background, and women took it on their shoulders, shouldered it, accepted it (whatever word we take) something that men could not do due to the fact that they were fighting. And women at that moment felt their strength, their power and tank, no matter how you say it, went into all spheres of activity, power, and so on. That’s why our women, especially recently, didn’t fight for their rights; no one particularly limited us.
Equality or inequality in wages is present, it has also developed historically. In particular, my colleagues who are deeper into this topic describe it this way.
In general, a woman needs to put in a little more effort to take a top position. The requirements for a woman are higher. Why? This is also psychological and historical. "Mom can do anything." A woman should be able to feed a child, be in order, and screw a doorknob. For a man, it is enough if he does one thing well: either earns money or nails nails. The requirements for a man are lower - again due to various psychological reasons, evolution, and so on.
Anastasia Urnova:
Let me interrupt you here a little. I just want to draw your attention to another study, it was conducted by Mikhailov and Partners. And they just wanted to find out: is it more difficult or easier for women than men to make a career at work? Interesting thing! It turns out that 48% of respondents think it’s the same. But at the same time, slightly fewer still claim that it is more difficult for women. And very few people think it’s easier.
Alexander, is this really all purely psychological, some of our attitudes and limiting beliefs? Or are women not so smart, not so ambitious? Why is that?
Alexander Shakhov:
No, these are most likely gender stereotypes that are alive not only in our Russian society, they are also alive in Western society.
I recently watched such a documentary series, a program called “100 people” translated from English, where a group of 100 people was divided into two - 50 people each - and presented with a man and a woman. The situation was such that the subject drove up in a very expensive sports car and introduced himself by one name, which could refer to both a woman and a man. In one case it was a 35-year-old woman, and in the other it was a 35-year-old man. And they said the same phrase to people, a group of 50 people.
And this group was asked: “How much do you think a man earns and how much do a woman earn?” Absolutely the same conditions, the same message. A group of 50 people determined that women earn less than men. And this is America.
Anastasia Urnova:
As far as I know, in this study they also rated a woman as a person with worse personal qualities than a man, for example. They believed that the man was great, he was able-bodied and smart, and the woman... well, we know how she achieved this car.
Alexander Shakhov:
Yes Yes Yes. That is, we have a gender stereotype in relation to a certain financial freedom, to social success. Of course, of course, this is a stereotype of the past. So why laugh? Until the 17th century, in medicine, in principle, and in the sciences emanating from it, there was a Galenic stereotype that a woman is an under-man, that female organs... Well, Galen is the progenitor of our official medicine, who said: “A woman is an underdeveloped man, therefore she cannot you need to pay so much attention. “They cannot, in principle, physiologically and psychologically perform the same duties as men.”
You know, our society may not be ready for this, but there is modern research that hints that the Y chromosome, which determines our testosterone, cellular production and our masculinity, is most likely a derivative of the female X chromosome . Therefore, in a sense, a man is a sub-woman, perhaps.
Anastasia Urnova:
Moreover, it is still unclear who is underdeveloped here, let’s put it this way.
Tell me, please, is there any understanding in society at all that sometimes a woman strives to work in a traditionally male job not because of her natural masculinity, but simply because of the circumstances of her life? This is an opportunity to earn money, there is no other one.
Alexander Shakhov:
You know, most often, that is, in most cases, this is exactly what happens. That is, a woman chooses male professions because nothing else was provided.
This is how the feminist revolution began in America, the feminist movement, when wages were too low for men and they could not work... that is, they did not want to work. And women who traditionally took care of housework in a patriarchal society took on this work. And then the women said: “Okay, we bring money. Why don’t we have the right to speak and have the right to vote?”
Anastasia Urnova:
Thanks a lot.
Let's then look at the story about today's story. This is Lyudmila, and she is an industrial climber. How did this happen? Let's find out. Look at the screen.
Lyudmila Badalyan, general director of an industrial mountaineering company, Moscow:
I started doing industrial mountaineering 20 years ago. Well, it’s just that when I was studying, I needed money. It was a part-time job. I remember that before, when I arrived at some site, they always asked me: “Aren’t you afraid?” Moreover, there was me and some guys with me, a brigade, but they always asked only me. And it annoyed me because I couldn’t understand why a girl should be more afraid than a man. Well, there is no connection between gender and fear, fear.
Now I can say that when I come to look at objects or say that I am engaged in industrial mountaineering, everyone reacts calmly, at least in Moscow.
Anastasia Urnova:
Nadezhda, what are you facing? Are people surprised when you talk about your work? Maybe they treat you as if you might not be professional enough here?
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
Well, naturally, where we are used to seeing men in the majority, the demands placed on women are very high, sometimes inflated. That is, a woman is obliged to practically prove that she can cope, not only no worse, but she must do better. At one time, this is exactly what I had to do - which was a shame, because I wanted to do some other things in life, and not just prove that you can. Yes, unfortunately, this is present.
But if we take the professional environment, it’s simpler here; people still understand. Of course, I can say that not every woman can engage in this or that profession, not every woman.
Anastasia Urnova:
In general, not every person can engage in one profession or another. What are we...
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
Certainly. But this is if we speak in general. We are talking about where a woman can be and where she cannot. If we take certain exclusive professions, where we see a man more often and are accustomed to a man, then yes, not every one. But the fact that she will cope with her responsibilities worse is no, it is unlikely.
Anastasia Urnova:
Vasilina, look, an interesting thing is happening. A woman has to work better. I looked at the numbers: women are more likely to have a higher education, they are twice as likely to be highly qualified specialists compared to men, they receive more education, but, according to statistics, they still earn thirty percent less. Are you experiencing this? How can this be explained?
Vasilina Bukina:
Anastasia, this is very noticeable at the leadership level. Indeed, what you said is the pure truth, that’s exactly what it is. Quite often in companies, salaries for executive employees, especially if they are not determined in advance, but are assigned, are assigned higher for men. And I heard about it.
Anastasia Urnova:
And why?
Vasilina Bukina:
I know people who say, for example: “If we take a woman, then we can save money.”
Anastasia Urnova:
Lyudmila, I continue the conversation about the fact that men in general are more aggressive and so on. They also often pay attention to the fact that women simply initially ask for less money. And if you compare two identical resumes, the man’s request will be ten percent higher. The same thing: if a man and a woman work at one job or another for quite a long time, then over time every second man will ask for a raise, and only every eighth woman will do the same.
Does this mean that a woman simply needs to be more active and demand more, and not wait until she is given?
Lyudmila Mosina:
Well, what needs to be demanded more... The question is: will they give it or not?
You know, I really like and really want to quote and remember these wonderful words of Margaret Thatcher: “If a man shows character, then they say about him: he’s cool, a super guy. If a woman shows character, then they say some other words about her: she’s not very good, she’s a bitch,” or some other words are chosen.
Yes, we are perceived differently. At the same time, women themselves, that is, you and I, often feel our own inferiority. This is our self-perception, and this is how we were raised. And the feeling of inferiority often makes women feel this way.
But the fact that today women are beginning to have their own voice, the desire to change something, to realize themselves... There are organizations of women on boards of directors. I know that companies with at least 20% women in leadership positions are more successful. There are a lot of numbers that confirm this.
But in order for the mental models of perception and beliefs of those very men to change... And the world is a man’s world. Men still make much more decisions than we do. The fact is that brilliant projects are born when the masculine and feminine come together. The first brilliant project is children. It's the same with business. Male and female energies are simply necessary, including for our economic revival.
Anastasia Urnova:
Thank you, Lyudmila.
Lyudmila Mosina:
Men who make decisions, lean in, invite women...
Anastasia Urnova:
Lyudmila, we just don’t have much time, I have to interrupt you already.
Alexander, you wanted to add something, right?
Alexander Shakhov:
And here I wanted to disagree with the respected expert. There is an appeal to men to invite women. The fact is that leadership positions are positions of competition. And no leader will invite other leaders to share power with him. This is exactly how male leaders perceive it – they perceive it as competition. This is where women need to be more active.
And it is known from both statistical and sociological surveys that women have a lower level of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Women are embarrassed or afraid to express their opinions. Women are afraid to go and demand. This is certainly due to gender stereotypes.
Men will be much more aggressive towards women who behave in masculine ways than towards men of the same kind. Why? Because the gender stereotype among men is such that a woman is initially perceived as a kind of weak creature who needs to be overpowered...
Anastasia Urnova:
Dominate?
Alexander Shakhov:
...in general, take power, dominate, lead them. And when a woman declares her rights, a situation arises in the male brain: a riot on a ship, a revolution. And any male leader who perceives such dominant positions is forced by psychology to suppress rebellion right in the bud.
Anastasia Urnova:
It is very interesting! Thanks a lot. Very interesting!
Nadezhda, are your clients primarily women or men? Clients of your graduates, of course.
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
It happens differently here. For the most part, yes, these are women and children. But, probably, in the last, maybe five to seven years, men began to hire women as their personal guards.
Anastasia Urnova:
“Anatomy is destiny,” Freud said. Is it so? Does gender determine our career future? Let's discuss further. Stay with us.
Let's look at the results of another survey. Here people answered: Have they encountered difficulties in finding employment based on their gender, whether male or female? In general, most of them say that they have not encountered this. To be honest, these results surprised me, because if I am simply participating in some discussions on this topic or if we are talking now, then the opposite impression may arise.
Vasilina, does your practice confirm such results or not?
Vasilina Bukina:
Well, I can absolutely say that everything said by Alexander and Lyudmila is confirmed exactly. People really differ very noticeably in their behavior in terms of salary requests, in selling themselves at an interview, in self-confidence. This is true.
If a man can start from the very beginning what I call “extreme driving by the nose” (Chekhov very well called it “a cross between philosophy and buffoonery, like Shakespearean gravediggers”), then this makes a very strong impression. The lion's share of business owners are men. When making a decision to hire a top manager, of course, they start from themselves. This is what is called “self-calibration”. And that's okay.
Therefore, it is clearly evident here that women are given even leadership roles or conservative, traditional professions: chief accountant, HR director, financial director... Although I want to emphasize that in all these positions there are, of course, men, too, this is natural. Moreover, the higher, the more men there are, again.
Nevertheless, you need to understand that this very “extreme driving by the nose” has very important qualities. This is the optimistic bias that Kahneman wrote about well. This is the source of risk taking. Any risk leads in one way or another to exacerbations: if he shot, if he didn’t shoot. Traditional risk management matrix. And at some point some leaders behave like lions. And when lions fight, monkeys rule the forest.
Therefore, in this sense, there is a slight presence of a completely different type of management, a different type of leadership... There is the famous division into alpha leaders and beta leaders. Beta leadership is traditionally more characteristic of women. And this, of course, adds stability and calm. It turns out such a good drop of that solution, which allows you to balance the components, to harmonize more. That's what's important. And any business, of course, needs this. But you still need to understand that... I believe that everything is driven by the golden principle of competence.
Anastasia Urnova:
Alexander, do you have anything to add?
Alexander Shakhov:
From the point of view of psychology, men (this has already been established quite accurately by science) in case of conflict situations, male leaders, in principle, men, they use conservative forceful methods, and their methods of solving problems are quite narrow.
But when solving a problem, a woman asks for help. In addition, she appeals to society, that is, she uses social methods in addition to force. Therefore, female leaders, for example, like Margaret Thatcher or Angela Merkel, are, in principle, perceived by Western society as fairly stable leaders.
I will confirm Vasilina’s words: where stability is important, a woman is still stronger, because solving problems is more aimed at sociality. Angela Merkel decided to accept migrants to Germany. I seriously doubt that any man would propose such a humanistic strategy.
Anastasia Urnova:
Well, we can look at US migrant policy. This probably perfectly illustrates what you want to say.
Alexander Shakhov:
Yes Yes Yes.
Anastasia Urnova:
There, Trump behaves in exactly the opposite way.
Lyudmila, when we talk about the fact that there are not many women top managers, we start discussing this with HR specialists, and they say: “When we choose a person for a leadership position, we don’t really look at his gender. We're looking at his resume."
Maybe women don’t even get considered for management positions because their careers are slowed down when they have children and need to take care of their family? And then, when they are freed from the child, then this is already the age of “45+”. And we have problems with this. Or just less ambition?
Lyudmila Mosina:
Well, the question of ambition and everything you said - this may have a right to exist. I have been teaching a leadership course at the Presidential Academy for about fifteen years. For example, out of thirty students, literally two or three are women in high programs, and the rest are men. Men really have higher ambitions. And this energy, the desire to make a career higher.
I say: what is the difference between male leadership and female leadership? Male leadership means taking it, getting it together, doing it, achieving it. Women's leadership is flexibility (but not to the point of spinelessness), it is plasticity, it is the ability to connect and unite space.
Therefore, when we talk about a resume, about a career, then... Now, let’s say, I have several female clients who choose: to have a career and then have a child, or to have a child and then think about a career. This is a choice that almost every woman has faced and continues to face. But this choice also faces my male clients. They often mean: “If I take this woman, she will then go on maternity leave - and I will lose something.”
I, of course, have an answer to this question. If you hire a woman, then you bring new meanings to the company, as colleagues have already said. If your company employs women who are willing to have children, then you are saying that you are a viable company. This is the vitality of the company. That is, you care about future generations.
If male leaders, and any leaders, begin to understand the importance of this and build a bridge to the future by any means, and this also supports women and their desire to have children, then this is exactly the concern for the future that we all need. This is what everything happens for. But what men prefer more often is a fact. Let it be for now.
Anastasia Urnova:
Sad.
Nadezhda, do you agree that the need to make a choice between career and family is still so pressing? Is it really not possible to have both?
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
Well I do not know. At least in my practice it worked both among acquaintances and among students. True, the top managers I know are women who mostly work in international companies. But the conditions there are still more favorable than if we take our Russian companies. I basically see what happens.
Anastasia Urnova:
What happens?
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
Family and career.
Alexander Shakhov:
And I recently participated in an interesting conversation about the fact that a female actress... It turned out during the conversation that it was discovered that quite a lot of famous female actresses had abortions for the sake of their career - for the sake of a career in some theater project or in some film project . And the results of this abortion, from a psychological point of view... And post-abortion syndrome is a terrible thing that lasts a very long time.
And I see that women actually have to choose between family and career. And if a woman makes this choice, it can sometimes be tragic for the woman literally for life. Many of the actresses we discussed, they could not have children after an abortion for the rest of their lives.
Anastasia Urnova:
Vasilina, please tell me, do men generally take into account the fact that they will have children when they are building their career path? Or is this not taken into account at all? Are they unaffected by the change in their marital status?
Vasilina Bukina:
Well, as a rule, they don’t take it into account. However, this is simply an argument for asking for a salary increase. Men are interested in New Year's gifts, holidays for children...
Anastasia Urnova:
And this, by the way, is a working argument if a man comes and says: “I have a child - now I need to feed more people”? Does he get a pay raise for this?
Vasilina Bukina:
No. Because the employer is a point of such concentration of energy where knowledge, skills, and competencies are exchanged for money. Therefore, any other arguments are an attempt, firstly, to confuse the cards, to shift the conversation very much; secondly, bring in the wrong accents; thirdly, to put pressure on morality, on ethics - which is also wrong, because any normal adult must make a conscious decision, regardless of whether it is a man or a woman.
Anastasia Urnova:
Nadezhda, please tell me, do you not regret that you chose, in fact, such a rather masculine profession? How scary is this anyway? Now, if a person is now faced with such a choice - whether a woman or a man (maybe a man is thinking about starting to work as a nanny in a kindergarten), is it worth deciding on this?
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
Well, let's just say I didn't choose. For me it’s like a transfer of experience, so in this case it was somehow easier for me. Because when you leave the organs, it’s one story. And when my students come specifically into the bodyguard profession, that’s a slightly different story.
Anastasia Urnova:
Have you worked in law enforcement before?
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
Yes.
Anastasia Urnova:
Well, you made the decision to go there, one way or another. And this is also a rather bold decision. Not a classic woman's job again.
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
Yes, there were priorities that ended, of course, quite quickly. Well, nevertheless.
Anastasia Urnova:
Now for people who find themselves at a fork in the road, would you say, “Yeah, that's great”? Maybe they will hear some inadequate assessments from others, but will they put up with it? Or will we have to constantly overcome public opinion? But it’s not easy after all.
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
We always overcome something. I always tell my students: “Yes, somewhere somewhere you’ll have to prove something, show it, tell it.” Therefore, in general, of course, we prepare psychologically. What would we do without it?
Anastasia Urnova:
Thanks a lot.
Alexander Shakhov:
Can I ask you a question?
Anastasia Urnova:
Yes please.
Alexander Shakhov:
Nadezhda, does the specific nature of your work affect your personal life and family relationships?
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
Do you mean at the moment? No.
Alexander Shakhov:
Well, throughout life in general. This is the very specifics of the work, such an unusual profession for a woman, it also has a certain amount of stress. That is, your psychophysical response, reaction should somehow be reflected in family life. How is it reflected?
Nadezhda Mikhailova:
This may be reflected if a woman is not quite ready for this profession. Then yes.
In general, I would not say that this is the number one profession in terms of risks. Our number one is, in fact, journalists. Any job, be it the police, for example, investigative agencies, something that takes up 24 hours a day, any profession - it, of course, has an unhealthy effect on the family. But nevertheless, the family worked out, everything is fine.
Anastasia Urnova:
Thank you very much for this conversation. Unfortunately, we have run out of time.
Today we talked about gender stereotypes in professions. Obviously, they exist, and they influence us very much. But each of us has the power to form the image of ourselves that we want.
Subscribe to us on social networks: YouTube, Instagram, Odnoklassniki. We are waiting for you. Anastasia Urnova searched for the truth with you. Stay on Public Television of Russia.
Who is this joyful woman?
A woman always has a lot of energy, she will always have a thirst to live, there will be lightness inside, because she enjoys life and herself. She is not afraid to be alone if she doesn’t have a man at that moment - she feels good with herself. She has a lot of worries, a lot of interests, a lot of different needs, which she herself has already learned to satisfy. At the same time, she allows men to do this for her. A holistic woman is not bored with herself. And the corresponding men are attracted to her.
Those who are next to you now are your reflection. This is the amount of energy that you can currently give. If you are not happy with something, start changing something about yourself. You can “feed” a man only with the amount of energy and self-confidence that you already have. And your energy will be a motivation for a man.
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I hope the article was useful. With love and faith in you - Alla Pilipyuk!
