Why do men beat women, what drives them to hurt?

01/24/2019 Zoryan Freidovich Psychology

The feminist movement is very popular today. Women protect the weaker sex and try to prove to the whole world that girls should have the same rights as men. But such reasoning is not acceptable in all families. Many men still don’t know if it’s okay to hit women. Let's look into this issue.

Is it possible to hit?

Although the answer seems obvious, the question arises very often. Men who are used to giving free rein to their fists cannot understand that a woman is a fragile creature that requires careful treatment. Accordingly, answering the question whether it is possible to beat women, one must say without hesitation - no. You can't beat women, just like you can't beat children. Assault has never helped anyone. And all supporters of education with a belt should look at the upper class. Among the aristocrats, corporal punishment was never in use, but among the commoners they punished with fists and a belt. There is only one conclusion - if you want to remain a civilized person, you need to learn to regulate all problems in a peaceful manner. The time has long passed when the world was ruled by the law of “an eye for an eye.” Today, those who beat and humiliate women are considered unworthy members of society. Such persons are imprisoned and publicly condemned. You cannot impose your will on an adult lady using force. If you cannot resolve the conflict verbally, then you need to seek outside help, and not use force as the main argument.

In Islam

Seeing Eastern women, it seems that these timid and defenseless creatures will endure any insult and betrayal. Muslim men can freely flirt with any woman they like in front of their own wife. A girl should be able to endure such scenes with dignity and a smile. Therefore, many people think that a man can safely take out his anger on his lady, and she will not say anything to him. This is wrong. Of course, the Koran allows a man to teach a woman with his fists, but this does not mean that representatives of the stronger sex obey such permission. Eastern guys treat their chosen ones with respect and do not allow themselves too much. They don’t even question whether it’s okay to beat women. A wife is a submissive creature who can fulfill any whim, so why beat a woman who makes a person happy.

Muslims idolize women and, despite their intemperance, behave in a civilized manner at home. Therefore, to the question whether it is possible to beat a woman in Islam, there is one answer - it is not possible.

In Christianity

The church does not prohibit assault, but moral law and education will not allow a man to hit a representative of the fairer sex. Why then is it such a widespread belief that a Christian is obliged to moralize his wife with his fists? This may seem incredible, but soon after the adoption of Christianity, Domostroy was published, a book of laws compiled by priests. So, it not only allowed beating of women, but it was even encouraged. Why? When wondering whether it was possible to beat women, men realized that women do not have any rights, therefore the man, father or husband, bears all responsibility for the weaker sex. For any female offense, the male representative to whom the woman “belonged” was punished. It is not surprising that a man, in a fit of rage, could lash out at a woman who had caused him a lot of inconvenience. This does not justify men, but at least their behavior is understandable. It seems that in Islam, men still bear full responsibility for women, and it would never even occur to a man to beat his wife. The fact is that Muslim women are guilty women, they can endure anything, but Russian young ladies do not mince words, so the men admonished their ladies as best they could.

“The victim is looking for an executioner”: a psychiatrist explained why women endure beatings from their husbands

— The other day, playwright Nina Belenitskaya accused her ex-husband, director Nikita Sutyrin, of assault. A video was posted online showing a brawl on a playground that occurred in the presence of the couple’s four-year-old son. The result is sad - the woman was diagnosed with a mild concussion and a fracture of her right hand. Each participant has their own version of events. Nina ends her post with the words: “And only then does she scald you with shame (since they did this to me, I asked for it and it’s my own fault, they don’t do this to good girls...). It is shame that forces the victim to remain silent about the violence. And 50% of me still think that we should bury ourselves under the covers and remain silent.” Tell me, does this happen to good girls?

“This happens to those who allow themselves to be treated this way.” And it doesn't matter whether you're good or bad. In my opinion, the statement contains the subtext: “I deserve it,” which indicates that the person does not love himself and has low self-esteem. You can't behave like that. First of all, your children see it. There is such a thing in the World Health Organization as the cycle of violence. Children who have themselves been victims of violence or witnessed their father beating their mother have a deformed psyche, and they often grow up to be rapists who will carry this scenario into their own families, because they have learned: this is possible, this is allowed. It doesn't go away without leaving a trace. Our center conducted a study. We surveyed more than 1,500 respondents - students from different universities across the country. It turned out that many witnessed ugly scenes between parents, which contributed to running away from home, forming bad habits, joining sects, going to social networks, where they would definitely offer ways to escape from depression, and not always safe ones, in particular, death groups. I will say one thing: you cannot tolerate violence, you cannot remain in this hell even for the sake of your children.

“When children see their dad abusing their mom every day, it can’t go away without consequences. At what age does a child become aware of aggression?

— The child becomes aware of aggression very early. Babies in strollers cry when parents quarrel and sort things out in raised voices. And if children see beatings, it is a trauma for life.

— All stories about domestic violence begin approximately the same way: at first there was a bouquet and candy, and then they replaced it - they began to let go. How to explain this? No normal woman would marry a man who would abuse her. So he just pretended to be good, but in reality he was always like that?

- Of course, he hid his essence. Sometimes this happens on a subconscious level, when a man, seeking a woman’s favor, presents himself in the best light - engages in a kind of PR. But more often it is about manipulation. Such men are quite good psychologists. They know well what women like. Yes, we love gifts, flowers - this whole candy-bouquet period. Women tend to repress even some unpleasant details from their consciousness: “this won’t happen to me.” There is a problem with second marriages, when a woman thinks that everything was terrible in her husband’s ex-family, because the ex-wife did not understand his subtle nature, did not discern his trembling soul. But practice shows that these patterns pass from one family to another.

— I know that some men attribute excesses to the psychological trauma they have experienced...

— Recently, a kind of manipulation has appeared in society - to explain everything by one’s psychological trauma. For example, he beats his wife, explaining the “breakdown” with failures at work. Of course, psychological trauma exists, but its significance should not be exaggerated either. If you can’t understand yourself, go to a psychologist who will help you overcome this trauma, and also understand how significant it is, so that it can be used to explain all the disgusting actions.

— The eternal question: why do women endure?

— Having worked with women for almost 40 years, I am convinced that female psychology is something unusual. Sometimes forensic psychiatrists and psychologists are perplexed: what makes a woman subjected to violence, physical and psychological, endure it again and again, justify her man and attribute the blame to herself. There are many answers, from the most banal, such as cohabitation, economic factors, the damned housing issue, to more complex ones. Still, our culture has certain traditions: a woman should be behind her husband like behind a stone wall, and the family should be indestructible. All this is reflected in folklore: “whatever, but the husband”, “beats - that means he loves”, etc. Plus such traits as long-suffering and the ability to forgive. But the world is evolving, and young women are different from their mothers. When concluding a marriage, they know how to raise the question of the division of property during a divorce, which frightens many oligarchs; they demand marriage contracts, take children away from ex-husbands, and conduct forensic psychological and psychiatric examinations to determine the child’s place of residence. These are all new trends that I approve of. And most young women do not want to put up with bullying and domestic violence. But there is another reason for long-suffering. I'm talking about a phenomenon called masochism.

— Can anyone really like domestic terror?

- Yes, it’s hard to imagine, but in my practice there are women who endure bullying and find some kind of calling in it. Moreover, they “bathe” in this state of the victim complex. There is even such a concept in English literature - “the victim seeks the executioner.” By allowing herself to be repeatedly struck without fighting back, she herself becomes the source of such permissiveness. And the sadist finds pleasure in this. Many men, mocking women, become sexually charged and then enter into sexual contact with them. Unfortunately, even a woman likes such relationships, but even at an appointment with a psychologist she will never admit it. She complains about how unhappy she is, involves her friends in her problems, shares details on social networks, while all she needs to do is take a few steps to stop it.

— After the law on the decriminalization of beatings was adopted, the number of complaints from victims increased significantly. But the police do not always respond to women’s cries for help...

— There are currently disputes over a bill on the prevention of domestic violence. Society was divided into two militant camps. Opponents believe that there are enough articles in the Criminal Code to curb an unruly life partner. They say the police will come and sort it out, but that’s not the case. We personally at the Serbsky Center know cases where the police told victims of domestic violence: “When he kills, then we’ll come!”

“What surprises me most is that women who seek help in such a situation from psychologists or foundations often ask how they need to change themselves so that their husband stops oppressing them. That is, they blame themselves for everything.

- This is the position of weak women. Why do we think that a woman should be weak and a man should be strong? These are walking stereotypes and dogmas. You can use all your resources to stop your tormentor. Hit - this is the infliction of slight, but bodily harm. Call the police every time. In Soviet times, they complained to the organization where the husband worked. And what's wrong with that? Is he sure that behind closed doors you can do whatever you want, because no one will see the tears invisible to the world, but in your office you can show off in a Briony suit and be a star? If a woman starts ringing all the bells and washing dirty linen in public, the man will think about how he can continue to portray a brilliant young man with a European education. In society, such people should become outcasts.

“But the Russian reality is such that, according to population surveys, almost two-thirds agree that women themselves sometimes provoke the use of violence against them. She dressed too flashy, put on too much makeup, arrived too late. In courts, when cases of domestic violence with serious consequences are considered, there is a meticulous determination of how the woman who was beaten by her husband behaved. Those around you are also not always on the side of the victim. Instead of words of support, she hears: “It’s my own fault!” Even after the dramatic story of Margarita Gracheva, there were people who asked an inhuman question on social networks: well, he couldn’t cut off her hands just like that, for no reason!

— There is a phenomenon when a woman behaves provocatively. Our girls love to copy media characters like Olga Buzova or Alena Vodonaeva. To go out in such an outfit, for example, in London, means to show everyone that you have gone hunting. This point must also be taken into account. There must be moderation in everything. But, of course, even a woman’s provocative behavior is not a reason for violence.

“There are also outright incidents when a child who witnessed the brutal murder of his own mother can be used as a mitigating circumstance for the accused.

- This is also manipulation. The topic is the imperfection of our judicial system. I am against the harsh actions of juvenile justice when it comes to deprivation of parental rights. But such decisions, when the presence of a child, before whose eyes a monstrous drama occurred, becomes a mitigating circumstance, from my point of view, are unlawful.

— What are the consequences of domestic violence on the psyche of victims? What can a severe psychotraumatic situation result in?

“We examined N., who endured her husband’s bullying for ten years, and then could not stand it and committed murder. By nature she is a quiet, modest, inconspicuous woman. She was brought up in a patriarchal family. A chronic psychogenic traumatic situation has a very bad effect on the female body and triggers a bunch of diseases. These are the so-called somatic masks of depression. Such women visit general practitioners for years, they are prescribed a bunch of tests, and their complaints are often not confirmed. Doctors miss depression. Very rarely do we see in medical documentation, which is attached to a criminal case, when, for example, a cardiologist recommends that a patient see a psychiatrist. More often than not, everything happens according to a different scenario. The woman gradually develops depression, which moves from a neurotic level to a psychotic level. Finally, a painful state sets in, and then an ax, dumbbells, a knife are taken - whatever is at hand, in England this is called murder in the kitchen. Each such case once again confirms that this cannot be tolerated.

— There are probably stories that amaze even forensic psychiatrists...

— When a woman kills her husband, a forensic psychiatric examination is almost always ordered. In such cases, we quite often find her in a painful state. Some time ago, one subject was examined. She endured the most sophisticated bullying for years. The husband brought women into the house and had sex in front of her, he pushed needles under her nails, did things that cannot even be described in words. She endured until the last, and then she killed. She was released from criminal liability.

— We are talking about physical violence, but there is also psychological bullying, probably no less terrible and dangerous...

— Scientists believe that emotional and psychological violence causes even greater trauma. The husband’s degrading statements—you’re ugly, old, you no longer excite me, you need breast augmentation, teeth straightened—are more painful than a blow. A study of the results of a survey of students showed that the percentage of those who were subjected to violence is large, but of these, the number of those who survived sexual violence is minimal, slightly higher than the figure for physical violence, but the main one is psychological. It seems to me that when a person allows himself to be bullied, not necessarily in the family, he does not know how to fight back. We must learn to stand up for ourselves.

— Men also become victims of domestic violence, but much less often. However, stories where a woman unwittingly becomes a killer cause a much greater resonance in society. If I'm not mistaken, there are simply no statistical data for Russia. Such episodes emerge by chance and rarely end up in court. What Russian man admits that his wife beats him with a rolling pin or pinches him until he bleeds?

— The man is a victim of domestic violence! In the West, even among scientists, this causes smiles and laughter. But in my practice there have been such cases. It's rare, casuistry, but sometimes it happens. A man was undergoing an examination, by the way, a law enforcement officer, who was a victim and in such a painful state killed his wife. She abused him and the child. There was a lot of evidence in the case. Numerous audio recordings were included indicating that his wife was a psychopath and a sadist. And he is quiet, modest, shy. After the divorce, she burst into his office and grabbed his service weapon. He knocked the gun out of her hands, and then a shot rang out. Our experts came to the conclusion that the man acted in a state of pathological affect.

— And yet, what should a woman do in such a situation, how to stop feeling like a victim?

“There’s no need to pretend to be a victim and ask what I should do.” You are already an adult girl and should be able to sort out the situation with the help of friends or psychologists. But you played the victim. The answer, which any grandmother at the entrance knows, is simple: stop allowing your beloved to let loose his hands. For some reason, some female victims think that forgiveness gives them advantages; they do not think about the fact that men have not respected them for a long time, they wipe their feet on them. We must learn to respect ourselves. When a woman cultivates this guilt, she thereby condones the rapist. I would like to warn her: if you allow yourself to behave like this again, you will definitely become a bad girl, and your children will suffer.

Traditions

After finding out what Islam says about whether it is possible to beat a woman, the question naturally arises as to why the tradition of family beatings is still alive in Russia. Men still consider a woman their property and think that they can do whatever they want with her. It seems strange that a woman who has long ago received the right to vote is still silent and patient. What's the matter? It's all about tradition. Many people are familiar with the saying: he hits - it means he loves. Moreover, not only men, but also women think so. Sometimes the situation reaches the point of absurdity - the lady herself provokes her chosen one to beat her. Russian women sincerely believe that their men should be jealous. Therefore, ladies are accustomed to wearing bright makeup and dressing up every time they leave the house. Even if they go to the store to buy bread. Therefore, the question of whether it is possible to beat women in Russia is not difficult to answer. Naturally, this cannot be done, but according to stupid traditions that were formed during the baptism of Rus', people think that rude treatment of ladies is permissible for men. It is good that such stereotypes today are found only among the lower strata of the population, but we still need to hope that over time people will not ask such a question.

Who hits women?

Having found out whether it is possible to beat women in Russia, you need to understand a little for yourself who exactly allows themselves to let go. Most often, uneducated men from the lower strata of the population reward their loved ones with beatings. It is alcoholics, uneducated individuals working in menial jobs, and those persons who have crossed the boundaries of the law who allow themselves to be assaulted. Such individuals cannot be aware of who they are dealing with now. Most often, men beat women in a fit of passion or in drunken delirium. Lack of restraint and inability to think soberly most often leads to unfortunate incidents.

Why do men beat women? Does it mean he loves?

Another reason why many men beat women is simple jealousy. In this case, the beatings will not be permanent. As a rule, a girl herself can provoke a man to show aggression, giving him a reason for jealousy. Please note that, contrary to the well-known proverb, beatings do not at all indicate passionate love. They indicate mental pain that a man cannot cope with. Somewhere you can understand a person. If the victim of male rudeness remembers what she felt at that moment when she was jealous of her chosen one for a friend or a random stranger, it will become clear to her why her husband did not raise his hand. If the situation repeats itself constantly, and there are no real reasons to be jealous, the woman must choose whether to try to save her family or leave. If you really want to save your relationship, you will have to completely rethink your communication style with your spouse. And if you have doubts that you need this person, think about whether it’s worth living with an unloved husband?

What kind of women do men beat?

Individuals wondering which men beat women should also understand which members of the fairer sex men beat. Such ladies clearly have low self-esteem. They sincerely believe that their chosen one is the one and only. Sometimes ladies see that their lover is not the most suitable candidate for them, but in this case women are afraid to leave him, because they are not sure that they can find someone better for themselves. And sometimes husbands intimidate their spouses so much that they are simply afraid to leave. But in most cases, the woman who remains with her tyrant husband is the one who does not know her worth and, just like the man, is sure that she deserves corporal punishment for her offenses.

Reasons for beatings

Why does a man hit a woman? There may be several reasons:

Jealousy. This is the main problem of all family conflicts that end in assault. Insecure men cannot imagine life without their lover and for this reason they may beat a woman in the hope of intimidating her. After such an outburst of rage, a representative of the stronger sex can lie at the woman’s feet and ask her for forgiveness, however, scenes of jealousy can be repeated very often.
Dissatisfaction with the spouse. If love is not warmed up, it quickly extinguishes. Therefore, people who love each other after several years of marriage can become very distant from each other. It will be awkward for a man to express his dissatisfaction, and sometimes even irritation, directly. But in a fit of rage during another quarrel, a representative of the stronger sex can remember the woman all her past sins and severely beat the missus.
Dissatisfaction with life. Loser men whose lives are going downhill don’t want to blame themselves for all their troubles. They want to feel like they are masters of the situation, so by humiliating and beating their spouses they try to raise their own self-esteem.

When you can't help anymore

Before passing a “sentence” on men who offend unfortunate women, it is worth understanding what pushes them to physical aggression. According to the famous psychotherapist Virginia Satir, it is necessary to clearly distinguish between cases when beatings occur constantly, or aggression was only an isolated manifestation.

In the first case, we can talk about serious mental or behavioral disorders, while in the second situation, everything is not so simple. Unfortunately, no one teaches modern girls how to choose a husband. As a result, many women jump out to marry literally the first person they meet, and a few months after marriage they find out what kind of person their husband is. Although very often, even before the wedding, odd behavior can be identified. For example, many men look at other women, but not all of them peek into other people's windows or start a new day with a glass of vodka.

The most common reasons why men beat women are the following:

A state of alcoholic intoxication, when habitual restraint dissolves under the influence of alcohol, and all suppressed grievances and dissatisfaction burst out.
Chronic alcoholism, which leads to personality degradation, as a result of which a person’s value system is completely destroyed.
Mental illnesses, when even a psychiatrist cannot always help.

In all three cases, a woman should think about whether she should stay in the family, or whether she needs to save herself and her children from a person who can no longer be helped. A very common mistake is the tendency of many girls to self-sacrifice.

As a result, they decide to save their loved one, and often lose their health, if not their lives. Currently, in many cities there are anti-crisis centers for victims of domestic violence, where women can turn for help.

Tyrant at home

Women are attracted to strong and rough men. Why is this happening? Remember natural selection. A strong man who can stand up for himself has always been a hero for a lady. Despite the fact that times have changed, some women's animal instincts are still stronger than their reason. Such ladies can marry a person to whom they will be attracted on a physical level. In this case, the emotional and intellectual component will not play any role. Finding herself in such a situation, a girl may not understand why men beat women. But the lady could assume that if her husband solves all issues with his friends with the help of his fists, then soon the man will resolve problems in the family in a similar way. In order not to get into a similar situation and not have to figure out how to avoid domestic violence, a woman should think before walking down the aisle. You shouldn't put on rose-colored glasses and walk around in them before the wedding. After all, after several years of marriage and the birth of a couple of children, the lady will be attached to a man who will become her eternal nightmare.

Laws

Why can't you hit women? At a minimum, because the law on human rights says that all people are equal - one citizen cannot infringe on the freedom of another. But despite this, representatives of the law try not to get involved in family dramas. Why? For the reason that many girls behave inappropriately. Such female representatives have feelings stronger than reason. As an example, we can cite a situation that often occurs in Russian families. An alcoholic husband beat his wife half to death, and the woman ran to the police in the evening to file a statement. The man was taken away. In the morning, she came to the department and took the statement about the beating, justifying her action by saying that she could not live without her loved one. The Family Code does not allow spouses to injure each other, however, it does not in any way oblige a man to answer before the law for physical humiliation of his wife if no visible signs of beating remain on the woman’s body, and she herself refuses protection.

A girl can count on the help of law enforcement forces only if her husband frequently and severely beats his chosen one. And even then, the most that the police can do is to prohibit a man from approaching a woman. But no one will monitor the fulfillment of such conditions. A man will face criminal liability only if the lady is severely injured and the fact of her beating is officially recorded.

If a man hits

Martial law

Did you try to tell your friend or mom?

In response I heard: “There was no point in angering the man.”
Others say: “Be patient, because the bruises will heal, and you won’t find such a guy again.” And glory to the Goddess! No, I’m not making you hate your mother or Svetka, with whom you’ve been communicating since first grade. They are victims too. They will cover the “lanterns”
with foundation and lie about the door frames, lowering their eyes in shame.
It is sacred to believe in the supremacy of Man. Yes, with a capital letter, because there is no other way, they won’t understand. But you, dear, do not have to be a naive victim
.

Just acknowledge this fact: your boyfriend or spouse raised his hand

. He pushed you hard, hit you in the face, pressed you against the wall, grabbed you by the hair or throat, threw you on the bed in a fit of anger, or threw a heavy vase at you. It’s good that she flew a little to the left, only slightly scratching her temple.

It doesn't matter what form of physical violence he used against you.

. He did it. Your man hurt you, made you fear and worry about your own life and health. Your man has declared war on you, and only one will win.

Worldwide conspiracy, or it’s her own fault

Honey, you're scared and shocked

. You sit in the kitchen, applying ice to the abrasion, and hoping that there won’t be a bruise. Your domestic tyrant ran out of the apartment, slamming the door, or fell asleep. Perhaps he fell to his knees, begging for forgiveness. He swallows tears and snot, theatrically wringing his hands. He promises that he will never spank you, even as a joke, and will brush off specks of dust with a fan.

But his voice sounds somewhere far away, as if someone had stuffed cotton wool into his ears. Lots of cotton wool. You only hear the inner little girl who clutches her favorite toy to her chest and asks in a trembling voice: “Why is he doing this to us? Are we really that bad? Yes, there was no need to scold him for being late at work again. Just think, I was corresponding with a young colleague. It means we're not good enough."

And now this little girl starts looking for flaws

. Hair is the wrong color, bust is too small, lack of cooking skills. And the tyrant gradually turns into an ideal, but offended man. Yes, the inner girl claims that you made him clench his fists and break the cheekbone of the woman he loves. Mom says so. And girls from the forum, and a school friend. And even the psychologist you went to after what happened, because now you don’t feel safe next to that same ideal man.

Little by little, my dear, you begin to believe that if you lose weight and dye your hair red, just like that colleague, your lover will begin to respect you. Stop criticizing and humiliating

.
But you're wrong. And a psychologist who should actually be deprived of his license and the right to mutilate women. And even mom is wrong, although she also suffered betrayal and beatings
, and so she and dad celebrated their silver wedding. Or even gold? Just think, she has several broken ribs and a crooked nose. And it looks even better this way.

Stop it! Stop digging into yourself! You are not a tyrant, but a victim. Hair color, height, extra pounds and even a bitchy character are not a reason to beat a woman

. There are no excuses for domestic violence. And this is exactly what happened to you.

Yes, it sounds scary and embarrassing. After all, the little girl inside claims that only “bad” women are punished. But you are not like that. You try so hard: you go to fitness, you know a hundred ways to cook potatoes, you learn a foreign language. It doesn't matter what you do. Even if you just lie on the couch for days and watch TV series. It is not your fault! Remember! And never again let others convince you otherwise!

Figured out who is the tyrant and who gets the role of the victim

. Now what? Pull yourself together and take action! This is the only way you can become free! You will stop “accidentally falling down the stairs” and “accidentally hitting your eye on the doorknob.”

Bureaucrats and "good" cops

He hit

. You can't rewind the past. Traces will remain on the soul and, most importantly, on the body. And while they are fresh, go to the hospital to see a traumatologist. Record bruises and abrasions on paper. Ask the doctor to call law enforcement officials. Insist if the doctor is stubborn and doesn’t want to call the police. Insist if law enforcement officers refuse to accept the application. And you need to write it.

A man who dares to raise his hand deserves punishment

. You may not send him to jail, but you should intimidate him. Write a statement, film the beating. The papers can be taken away at any time, and the police will be happy to close the case. But you will have a trump card. And the man will understand that he cannot just hit a woman and pretend that nothing happened.

You will feel sorry for the tyrant

. You will want to forgive him. The little girl will ask, “Have you wasted a whole year?” And you will return. Cover up bruises, lick wounds, flinch from every sudden movement of the tyrant. Curled up next to the “ideal” guy, remember that somewhere there is a magic piece of paper from traumatology. It is safely hidden. Your statement is a gun on the wall that will fire one day. And it will set you free.

Unhappy, offended

What's that on your face? Wait, don't move. Oh yes, rose-colored glasses

. Take this crap off and throw it in the trash. Better yet, burn it so that there is no temptation to take it out, wash it and return it to its place.

I know, honey, that you love him. Otherwise, I would have packed my suitcase long ago and disappeared into the sunset. So, darling, you must free yourself. Start with the little things. Notice how disgustingly he slurps when he eats, or how he constantly forgets to wash out his brown locks. Refuses to wash for 3-4 days, goes bald. How stupid it looks when you criticize a friend or try to talk about politics.

Notice, and gradually love will turn into disgust. And when you frown in disgust, looking at the “ideal” guy, know that there is very little left. A small drop and the threads will break. There will be no pain, well, maybe a little. Don't worry, it will be replaced by euphoria and a feeling of freedom.

Reserves for the future

There is no love, but there is financial dependence?

Look for a job, a part-time job, whatever, as long as it brings you money and doesn’t threaten your health. No, we do not consider prostitution and similar “professions”.

Get a map or a small cache

, which a man will definitely not detect. Save money. They will be needed to:

• Rent a house or room;
• Go to another city or even country;
• Hire a lawyer if the husband does not want to get a divorce;
• Pay for the services of a psychologist who will help you recover from your experience;
• Make yourself happy from time to time, because sometimes you will feel sad and lonely.

Don't worry

. It’s normal to cry, feel sorry for yourself, hate the tyrant, or be bored. Believe me, this is how wings grow.

The main thing is, don’t tell anyone that you are collecting money.

. Typically, tyrants who use physical force against women have many friends and look like superheroes in their eyes. And that same girl looks more like a hysteric with schizophrenia or paranoia. You can't let a mutual friend spill the beans about your plans. Especially if your “ideal” man is overly aggressive.

Just collect

: per ruble, hundred, thousand. Save and save, be smart and carve out the necessary amounts from your home budget. Keep quiet about your own income. And when you realize that you have enough for the first time, grab your documents, a minimum of clothes and run.

Safe place

The tyrant will try to catch up with you

. He will come to another city, find him on social networks or find out his phone number. He will try to threaten and beg. Find a friend who will support your decision and help you get through this whole nightmare.

Save screenshots of threatening messages, record every telephone conversation, and then go to court and file for divorce. If you are not married, just apply for a tyrant. Demand that he protect you.

In dangerous situations, run to the crisis center. Here they will understand you, protect you and tell you what to do next. They will find a new job. No one will judge you.

If the ideal tyrant

threatens to take the children away, remember that in 90% of cases they are left with their mother. Unemployed, without housing and permanent income. 10% include women with serious psychological disorders, alcohol addiction and a tendency to an immoral lifestyle.

You need to wait it out and calm down

. Feel safe and gain strength to say goodbye to the past. I believe that such a strong and beautiful woman can overcome these difficulties and become happy.

In parting, I wish you not to believe the advisers who call to endure and treat the tyrant with love

. There is no cure for this disease. A man who dared to hit once will repeat his “feat.” No childhood traumas, your shortcomings or other reasons justify it.

If he dares to offend you, run

. Don't stay for love or pity. Take the cat, a suitcase with things and go into the sunset. Believe me, life does not end at the threshold of his apartment, but is just beginning.

How to avoid domestic violence?

A man who beats a woman does not deserve to be called a man. You cannot raise your hand to a weak and defenseless creature. But what to do if you still had to marry a tyrant? Under no circumstances should you endure beatings and remain silent. So what should we do? You need to leave immediately. Forgiving a person who raised his hand against you is pointless. Why? If you give a person an indulgence once, then the person will understand that you will tolerate it a second time. Therefore, do not ruin your life and have respect for yourself. You were made to suffer - leave. If a person loved you, he would not hit you. This is exactly the opinion of psychologists. A man hitting a woman is not the norm, it is a deviation. But a smart wife will never allow anyone to raise a hand against her. How to avoid domestic violence?

Act wisely and do not go beyond what is permitted. A woman who is in a serious relationship with a man should not take liberties. A lady should not flirt with other men in front of her betrothed, especially if the young lady knows that the man is very jealous. Don't complicate your life and don't flirt with just anyone.
Be attractive to your man. Take an example from eastern women. Muslim women always try to be at the top of their game at home, so that their husband can always admire his ideal wife. A woman does not criticize a man, she always supports and understands him. This is what a girl who wants to save her marriage should do. You can discuss general and everyday issues, but you shouldn’t meddle in a man’s affairs.

“Am I a man or not?”

According to the famous psychologist E. Tsvetkov, women’s long battle for gender equality ended in complete victory. In modern society, men have been deprived of the opportunity to occupy the leadership positions for which they were born. Physical aggression is, in fact, the only way to prove one’s worth and power over a woman.

This point of view can hardly be considered an answer to the question
why men beat women .
A reasonable person, instead of asserting himself at the expense of his partner’s weakness, would rather try to find a job he likes and create an environment in the family where no one will have to defend his superiority. And if a woman can help her chosen one with this, that’s just wonderful!

Another reason for attacks of aggression can be an attempt at rude or humiliating control on the part of a woman or girl. Representatives of the fair half of humanity can behave as if a man must constantly fulfill their whims. It also happens that a gentle creature begins to demonstrate its superiority in the most vulgar way, which many men cannot stand in principle.

Fortunately, not everyone solves this problem with aggression. But at the same time, do not forget that your constant dissatisfaction with your husband is one of the main causes of conflicts in the family. Perhaps the fact that he raised his hand to you speaks of his desperation. A normal man cannot live for a long time with a woman because of whom he loses control over his own emotions. Maybe you should change your usual way of behavior?

Self love

A person who respects himself will never allow another person to humiliate his dignity. Even without being guided by the slogan: “Never hit a woman,” a man will not hit a lady full of dignity. But a representative of the stronger sex can easily slap a girl who has lost face. Therefore, in order not to receive bruises from your beloved, you should always remain a lady. Love yourself and behave appropriately. No one will beat a strong, smart and beautiful girl. But a drunk lady who doesn’t watch her words can get hit. Therefore, choose the role you will play yourself.

If you delve into the psychology of a woman who is beaten, you can understand that she will be a lady without self-esteem. A girl with low self-esteem will be happy with male attention, even if it is expressed with the help of fists. In order not to fall so low, you should love yourself. Remember that no one will love you if you don't do it yourself. Stop picking for no reason and find the strength to resist all those who offend you. Strong women give off an aura of inaccessibility, which will protect the woman from assault.

Psychologists' opinion

Why do they beat women? Experts say that this is how men assert themselves. A self-confident person will never offend a defenseless creature. But a person who is dissatisfied with himself and life will be able to take out his anger on whoever comes to hand. Experts say that such humiliation should not be tolerated. Men who raise their hands against a woman soon become domestic tyrants. And if women endure milking and humiliation, then soon they find themselves in a trap. Men completely deprive the girl of the opportunity to escape from her captivity. He befuddles the lady's mind, begins to blackmail her, and if she disobeys his will, he uses force. Such a situation is unlikely to suit a lady who has no complexes. But such women are rare in the modern world. Psychologists say that those women who grew up without a father do not know what a normal family should look like. Therefore, beatings fit well into their picture of the world and do not seem like something out of the ordinary. To these unfortunate women we can also add those whose fathers drank and also beat their mothers. Unfortunately, beatings will also seem normal to these young ladies. This results in a vicious circle in which men use force to maintain their authority, and defenseless representatives of the fairer sex silently endure humiliation.

Can a man hit a woman? Psychologists clearly say no. A normal person cannot afford such behavior. And if a person allows himself a lot, the woman should say goodbye to her immediately. If you can’t break up amicably, then you need to contact the police. There is no point in enduring and crying into your pillow. Yes, there are women who enjoy their miserable lives, but in most cases, a woman only gets a twisted fate from humiliation. Therefore, ladies should always think before forgiving the husband who raised his hand against them.

The main reason why men beat the women they love

It is not your fault. And he won't change.

Men who put their hand on their woman rarely do it once, even if they are rich and famous. So if you are in a relationship with a guy who has hit you at least once, this is a warning sign. You can expect him to do it again. There's something you need to know about these men, from Diane Eckard, a psychologist who studies domestic violence at Break The Cycle, an anti-violence organization.

1. Such men feel a strong need to control the woman they love.

The biggest misconception about men who hit their women is that they have anger management problems. But that's not true. They don't explode at work or at other motorists on the road. They just really want to control their woman: how she dresses, where she goes, with whom she communicates.

That is why, before using physical force, they usually constantly text and call their loved one, trying to control her life.

2. Such men sincerely love a woman, even if they beat her.

They are usually just obsessed with their woman, which makes them even more jealous and controlling. They simply don't know how to properly express these emotions. And most likely, such men themselves grew up in a home where there was violence.

3. Such men often blame their women for causing them to be cruel.

He tells himself and his woman that SHE provoked the violence by looking at another guy, wearing a skirt that was too short, or not cleaning the kitchen on time.

4. Women often blame themselves for provoking their man.

They are simply brainwashed, and they themselves believe that they did something wrong. “It’s my own fault for making him think I cheated on him.”

5. When a man apologizes for raising his hand against you, this is another form of control.

He can beat you up, and then almost cry and ask for forgiveness, promising never to do it again. Flowers, gifts... An apology may seem so sincere that you really want to forgive him.

6. Men who hit their women are insecure and cannot control their emotions.

At times they seem completely normal and stable. But the fear of losing his woman or the inability to control her leads to outbursts of anger and cruelty.

7. When a man raises his hand, he feels that he has the right to do so.

He believes that he can use any means to control the situation. Even when the police arrive, he is not ashamed of his behavior, but justifies it: “She deserved it: she behaved like a whore.”

8. If your man hits you, he is unlikely to improve.

Yes, most of these men do not want to change, because they believe that they are right. But the violence will only get worse over time, so you shouldn’t linger around such a man.

The main reason why men beat the women they love

Statistics

If you look at the statistics, you can see terrifying numbers. Approximately 10 thousand Russian women a year die at the hands of their husbands. Inadequate men who cannot account for their actions grab knives and other weapons that are at hand. It is impossible to call such circumstances normal. If you look at the number of statements received by the police, you can also be confused. Can't people live peacefully? This means that they cannot if the spouses do not hesitate to ask strangers for help in resolving conflicts. It's sad to realize that the police in most cases don't even solve domestic dramas. Such cases are often not even considered unless there is serious injury or death. Therefore, I would like to hope that mothers who are raising their sons will be more attentive to instilling respect for the female sex. It is necessary to explain to growing men that they cannot hit girls. Such a prohibition must be well fixed in the male consciousness, so that even in a fit of passion the young man cannot violate it. Only in this case are positive changes in society possible.

Consequences of beatings

Many people do not think about the consequences of what will happen if a man beats a woman. Psychologists say that it is not only the woman who has problems in a family where the father beats the mother. Children who grew up seeing their parents scolding them and watching their father mercilessly beat a passionately loving woman, the kids develop a perverted idea of the justice of the world. Children begin to think that assault is a completely natural process. When the child runs out of arguments, he begins to imitate his father and uses his fists. It’s bad when this child turns out to be a girl, but it’s doubly terrible when a boy grows up in a similar situation. The kid does not realize that his father is acting badly. Even if the child protects his mother, he will still believe that aggression is normal. Children's perception of family is the most important. If a child grows up in an atmosphere of eternal scandals, then the child will have a broken psyche. Such a consequence can greatly affect the baby’s entire life. And such a state does not bode well. Aggression will be perceived as the norm, and even if the child is obedient and affectionate, he will never stop the bandits beating a woman. A child whose mother was beaten in front of him will perceive violence as something natural.

A woman should not be hit under any circumstances. The weaker sex are expectant mothers and women who will become or have already become mothers. How she raises the child depends entirely on them. A happy woman will raise a worthy citizen, and a lady who always endures beatings will raise a child who is beaten down and has a crippled soul. You need to understand that children with a normal perception of the family will be able to live happily themselves and subsequently create a strong and happy family. Always remember this and don't let men hurt women.

Author: Ksenga

Source: fb.ru

You are the one to blame?

As can be seen from the examples above, the answer to the question of why a man beats a woman is almost never unambiguous. Could it be that a woman herself is the cause of physical aggression directed at her? Yes, this happens, and quite often. Firstly , this is the eternal position of the victim. A girl who considers herself good for nothing admits that she may be treated rudely. She needs to undergo psychological work to gain self-confidence.

Otherwise, any man with whom life brings her together will behave aggressively. Secondly , the cause of a blow or constant beating can be the lady’s completely inappropriate behavior, when it is not possible to bring her to her senses in any other way. The third reason may be the deliberate infliction of mental pain: insults, rudeness and slander. Dear women, if you want a man to treat you with respect and under no circumstances allow himself to lay a hand on you, think not only about how bad he is, but also about how to make your relationship better and more soulful. Is there something in your behavior that puts you at risk?

In conclusion, I would like to say that isolated cases of domestic violence are always signals of family trouble. To understand why men beat women and stop it, the spouses need to sit down and figure out what is preventing them from living in perfect harmony. And then it will be necessary to completely change the relationship so that the need to hurt each other disappears once and for all.

Material prepared by: Natalia Chirkova, consulting psychologist (Moscow, Russian State University for the Humanities)

Friends! The topic of the next article: “ How to determine the body type of men” - category: For girls and women only. In order not to miss it, you can subscribe to the magazine's online newsletter by email.