If your husband is a tyrant, how to free yourself from tyranny: instructions for behavior for a woman

You can scold yourself as much as you like for not seeing a real despot in the person who was courting you. It’s not easy to discern: he came on dates with flowers, courted gallantly, and, as they say, blew away specks of dust.

And when you told him about your pregnancy, he immediately proposed marriage. At that time, you felt in seventh heaven: you were so lucky with your marriage - so lucky.

And you didn’t know then what a terrible reptile was warming up on your chest. The first time he hit you was because you didn't return from work on time. But you urgently needed a consultation with the gynecologist you were seeing. But your faithful did not listen to any explanations. Just hit him in the face.

Further more. He beat her because she looked at a strange man on the street, he beat her because she went to visit her mother without asking. He beat you for every little thing, despite your pregnancy. And he smiled an impartial smile when you were in pain. The last straw that broke the cup of patience was his solicitation for sex when your postpartum injuries had not yet healed. And then you made the decision to leave the despot.

But how to do this, where to begin your liberation? Experts have compiled step-by-step instructions for women whose husbands treat them worse than cattle. Who should I turn to for help at the first stage of liberation from the tyrant?

How to recognize a tyrant husband?

Much has already been said and written about how to recognize a tyrant. Let's just go over the main signs that are inherent in an aggressor husband. It is important to note that these signs may be implicit in the first stages of a relationship, gain strength over time, and sometimes even be perceived as care, a manifestation of love, or concern for your spouse.

1. Perhaps the most striking sign is the husband’s need to make the woman completely dependent on him :

• Materially. “Why do you need to get an education? It's a waste of time". “Why do you need to look for a job? I'll make money. Better do housework and stay at home. The children will be starting soon, I still have to go on maternity leave.”
• Psychologically. “Only I am your hope and support.” “Only with me you will feel good.”
• Emotionally. “We will feel very bad without each other.” “Only with me will you be happy.”
• He seeks to break all social ties of a woman. “Why do you need friends and girlfriends? They are jealous of us and will interfere in our relationships. And your friends sleep and see when we part. These fools dream of separating us, they can tell you anything about me.” “You communicate with your parents too often. Your mother probably wanted you to marry a prince.” "If you love me, don't talk to them."

What could this turn into after some time? One day a woman realizes that she is completely dependent on her husband financially: no job, no money of her own, no home of her own; she does not have stable social connections: she has not communicated with her friends for a long time, it is a shame to tell her parents that not everything in her life is good, she has no one to ask for help and support.

1. Jealousy and control . "Girls! You have no idea how much he loves me! Keeps track of where I am, who I'm with. Afraid of losing! Remember Kolka? Did we go to college together? He said not to call me, otherwise he’ll break his nose.”

What does it turn into later, when the euphoria wears off? In fear of talking to a stranger on the street when you need to ask for directions or “what time is it”, in fear of arousing another baseless suspicion when an old acquaintance calls and invites you to a reunion at your home school, in fear of spending extra money on buying new tights, because that all this could cause another violent reaction.

1. Formation of a guilt complex . “I broke your Kolka’s nose here. You are the one to blame! I asked you not to communicate with him.”

Unfortunately, the guilt complex will only grow further. “It’s your own fault that I’m angry. I am hungry! Your cooking is simply disgusting!” “I ruined my shirt and tie because of you! What?! Is it so difficult to put a cup of coffee on the table NORMALLY?!” “I was late for work because you, you creature, didn’t prepare breakfast for me on time!” “I would have time to submit the report if I didn’t have to call you and ask what you’re doing. You need to be constantly monitored!” “Yesterday I came drunk because I didn’t want to look at you sober!” And there are many, many more reasons for screaming and aggression.

1. Blows to self-esteem, insults and humiliation. “How stupid you are, you can’t do anything without me!” “Again you with your stupidity! If you don’t know how to answer correctly, it’s better to shut up altogether, don’t embarrass me!” “You see what a REAL WOMAN should look like! What a figure! And you’re like a gray mouse!”

A tyrant man will seek to criticize, humiliate and ridicule his woman until she understands, yes! Precisely he will not UNDERSTAND that no one else needs her, that no one else will even look at her, that she is stupid, ugly, unworthy, unwanted, and only he, like the last fool, contacted her, and she should be grateful to him for the fact that she did not remain an old maid until the end of her days, that HE was in her life.

1. At this point we will combine several signs. Punishment. The first slap in the face or other physical or mental impact is interpreted as incontinence of emotions, intensity of passions. “He's so explosive! He probably couldn’t control himself... He loves him very much, he worries. It’s my fault... I gave reason for jealousy. He brought flowers, apologized, I’ve never seen him like this! He was on his knees, crying. Then we made love passionately."

But very soon all doubts are dispelled and what previously seemed like an attempt to relieve tension and overwhelm with feelings turns into routine. Punishment becomes a reality, sometimes inevitable. A woman develops a fear of punishment . Her sense of security becomes dependent on her husband’s mood, on his condition, since, often, aggressor husbands have various types of addictions (alcohol, drug addiction, gambling addiction).

Signs of a domestic tyrant

Here's what it might show:

• excessive obsessive caring;
• constant dissatisfaction with the behavior, appearance or actions of the spouse;
• ban on meeting friends and relatives;
• groundless jealousy;
• aggressiveness, rejection of other people's opinions;
• alcohol or other addiction;
• low assessment of a woman’s capabilities, criticism of her work, ban on training, advanced training;
• assault, moral and physical violence.

In all these cases, it is best to leave your husband immediately, even if he does not want to let go. The psychology of tyrants is such that these people never change.

Why is this happening?

There are a number of reasons why a man develops a tendency to display violence in the family. Speaking about it, we imagine cruelty towards the weak, dependent and, often, helpless: wife, children, old parents, that is, all those who cannot fight back and provide tough resistance. Many female victims noted that when interacting with other people, men and women, tyrant husbands became cowardly, helpful, and ingratiating.

Let's look at the main versions.

1. Psychological trauma. As a boy, he himself could have been a victim of illegal actions on the part of an adult family member or a person close to the family, so to speak, an insider of the house (family friend, neighbor, etc.). Moreover, illegal actions can be understood not only as physical, mental, but also sexual violence. This traumatization is especially terrible in cases where the victim loved or was strongly attached to the molester (father, grandfather, uncle, brother, etc.).
2. Family scenario and behavior model. The boy grew up and was formed as a person in an atmosphere of cruelty from his father/stepfather towards his mother/stepmother or towards everyone at home. For a future man, this behavior towards a woman could become the norm, a way to get his way, a way to keep everything under control. As a child, he learned that violence is the key to obedience and well-being. Of course, not all men who were raised in parental families in an atmosphere of violence resort to a similar model of behavior in their own families. Some boys had to protect their mothers from angry fathers at the cost of their own safety. You can often hear terrible stories from men about what they had to endure in childhood, when tyrant fathers abused their mothers and mutilated them in front of helpless children. However, when analyzing the problems of domestic violence, psychologists are often faced with a repeating family scenario.
3. Personality typology or psychopathology. In the process of passing through certain stages of development, a child may become fixated on some sadistic emotional experiences. Such fixations lead to the consolidation of certain personal characteristics. Also, the consequences of any injuries and diseases, including hereditary ones, contribute to the tendency to aggressive behavior. As a rule, if we are talking about typology or psychopathology, then aggression extends not only to the family, but also to the entire person’s environment.
4. Dependencies. The personality of a person who suffers from alcoholism or drug addiction undergoes multiple changes, sometimes irreversible. Of course, such mental disorders can have an extremely negative impact on behavior, the perception of others and self-perception; addiction also erases some of the boundaries of what is permissible and the understanding of moral and ethical standards. Turning to statistics, we can again see that most crimes against the life and health of women are committed by men in a state of altered consciousness.

Why does a man become a family tyrant?

Psychologists know several common reasons that can influence a man’s transformation into a tyrant:

Heredity . Most experts agree that the reason for male “tyranny” lies in his distant childhood. It is quite possible that this person's father or other relative was also once (or still is) a tyrant. Observing the older man, the boy perceives his behavior as “correct” and his relationship with his wife as “normal.”

Even if the boy felt pity for his mother, tormented by the monstrous character of his tyrant father, he can grow up to be the same “beast” in order to compensate for the grievances for his mother with another woman. Of course, this happens on an unconscious level.

Spoiledness, a feeling of “permissiveness” and lack of rigor in the upbringing process . Sometimes a tyrant boy can grow up in a good-natured family, where parents always communicate with him and with each other gently and warmly.

If throughout his life he was pampered, given a lot of freedom, did not limit him in anything and constantly tried to please him, the child could over time develop the habit of getting everything he wants.

He will certainly carry this behavior into his adult life and into his relationships with his future family. And if his wife does not want to indulge all his desires and demands, one day he will force her to do this by any means.

Jealousy and an inflated sense of ownership. When newlyweds get married, they enter into a conditional agreement among themselves that they will help each other in everything. However, for a tyrant man, a woman is not an adviser and a faithful “right hand” in life. For him, she is just property, a thing that he uses at his own discretion.

If this “thing” has problems or shortcomings, he will correct them. Of course, a tyrant man will not ask her permission for correction, because for him she is only a “thing”.

Therefore, if a rival suddenly appears on the horizon, wanting to “take away” his own “thing” from the tyrant, he will show more aggression towards it, repaying anger and resentment against it in the most cruel ways.

Lack of self-confidence and self-affirmation at the expense of the weak . Also in psychology, there are cases when a quiet and shy person, unable to show aggression and take leadership positions in society among stronger people, “takes it out” on his wife and children at home. They are weaker creatures for him, whom he can manipulate, whom he can offend and constantly keep in fear.

Tame the “monster” or leave it forever?

There are women living among us who, when faced with male tyranny for the first time, respond with a firm refusal to submit to his demands, are not afraid to contact the police after physical violence, and are waging a fierce struggle for their own happiness, health and life.

However, not every woman has a strong character. Among us there are those women who cannot say “no” to their husband, who experience a feeling of extreme fear of him, and who are unable to help themselves.

Undoubtedly, in a family problem, when one person takes complete power over another, there are two culprits: not only the tyrant husband, but also his wife.

Having a meek and modest character by nature, weak willpower, many fears and the inability to resist aggression and get out of the control of a tyrant, it will be difficult for a woman to do anything to get rid of the position of a “slave”. However, if she wants to change her life, something must be done.

Psychological help is very important in this situation. A specialist will help analyze the essence of the family problem, understand the motives of the tyrant husband and his wife, study their relationship and open a new “door” for the spouses for radical changes. Based on each individual case, the psychologist will create a program that will help the woman (and, possibly, her man) overcome her psychological problems.

Step to Liberation #1: Gaining Independence

As a rule, a woman is held back by one or several factors:

• children she shares with her husband , whose lives she is afraid to ruin with divorce or other drastic changes;
• financial dependence (if a woman does not work and uses exclusively the funds that her husband earns);
• pleasant memories associated with the early period of development of the relationship with her husband, when he did not show his character;
• the loving feeling that a woman still feels for her husband, despite his behavior;
• a sense of duty to her husband , making a woman think that she is obliged to help him become the same;
• hope that his behavior is only a temporary phenomenon associated with certain life events (for example, dismissal from work, death of a relative);
• fear of one’s own loneliness (when a woman is afraid that after separation from this person she will no longer be able to meet someone else);
• fear for other consequences of divorce (for example: loss of housing, separation from children).

The list of dependencies may not end here. All these factors are like chains holding a woman captive, not allowing her to change her life for the better. However, gaining independence in this situation will be a necessary decision. Psychologists advise starting small.

The woman’s task in this case will be to find all possible ways to completely separate psychologically, socially and financially from this person, to involve relatives and close friends in solving her problem, who can support in this difficult situation, and also, possibly, temporarily provide housing, financial funds, etc.

All this is necessary in order to separate from your husband and protect yourself as much as possible from his influence.

• Gaining financial independence . If it is difficult to break off a relationship with a tyrant man due to financial independence, you should find a job and start living on your own. This is the only way you can declare yourself as an independent person, capable of making your own decisions and able to stand up for yourself.
• Gaining psychological independence. If a woman still has strong feelings for her husband, it will be much more difficult for her to leave him. In this situation, it is necessary to look at the current situation from a new perspective, weigh all the pros and cons, and also answer the questions for yourself: “does this person love you?”, “Is a loving person capable of acting as your husband does?” ?”, “Are you and your children happy in a family with such a person?”

The seamy side of relationships is very important for gaining psychological freedom. If you realize that the strong feeling has passed, it will be easier for you to go through with the divorce.

Step to Freedom #2: Divorce Process

Of course, divorce is one of the most effective methods of ending a relationship with a tyrant man. If you realize that nothing but pleasant memories connects you with him, it is better to take this step on time.

However, there are often cases when a tyrant does not stop pursuing his wife even after the divorce.

It is imperative to tell your relatives and friends about your problem so that they can support you in your decision and establish a reliable wall between you and the tyrant man. If your husband is stalking you, but you have no relatives or close people who could help you, contact the police.

4 steps to taming a “monster”

If you do not want to consider divorce as a solution to the problem, you will have to make changes in your relationship with your husband. At the same time, it is important to change not only your husband’s attitude towards you, but also to change your own tactics of behavior.

“Taming” is a more difficult way out of the situation, requiring maximum patience, time, tenacity of character and the ability to oppose from a woman. If you have never had to show willpower and object to your spouse before, you will have to step over your own fears, remorse and principles.

To tame a tiger, a circus tamer uses fairly harsh methods, including a method that involves the use of a whip. Unfortunately, you will have to communicate with a tyrant man in the same way.

Tactic No. 1. You should teach yourself not to notice reproaches and criticism from your husband, not to take them seriously. If a man begins to raise his voice and scold you for a trifle, mentally abstract yourself from this unpleasant situation, stop hearing and listening to his words, the sound of his voice.

Tactic No. 2. If a tyrant man manipulates you, use his own method and try to manipulate him as well. For each of his threats, you must have a pre-prepared response. If the situation reaches a dead end, when he begins to use force and threaten to beat him, call the police, ask neighbors for help, do everything to find help from other people.

Tactic No. 3. Don’t be afraid to object and argue with him, refuse him and confront him in everything that is unpleasant to you. If he is “bad”, don’t cook him lunch or refuse to iron his shirts. The strike method can help not only in situations with workers fighting with management, but also in aggravated situations of family relations.

Tactic No. 4. As mentioned above, most oppressive men hide their “true” essence and features of aggressive behavior from the people around them. Try to take advantage of an opportunity (for example, when you and your husband are visiting relatives) and provoke your husband’s behavior. Let him prove himself in public.

Living with a tyrant: do you need it?

In most cases, it is not possible to re-educate a tyrant man. This becomes feasible when he himself struggles with his character and tries to overcome his emotions, wants to change his relationship with his wife for the better and deeply repents of his actions.

Also, “therapy” will be effective if the woman manages to bring her husband to a consultation with a psychologist.

If you understand that it is impossible to make friends with a domestic tyrant, think about whether it is worth continuing your life together with this person? Often, it was divorce that allowed women to start their lives anew, look at themselves differently and move with renewed vigor to the next stages of their life’s journey, but without family tyranny.

If you still have questions, you can tell a psychologist about your problem on our website, he will answer your questions on-line.

What to do: leave or stay?

I would like to point out right away... LEAVE! In the name of your safety, well-being, personal happiness, mental and physical health of your children! Leave! There are a huge number of charitable foundations, temporary shelters for women with children, and support groups. They will help you process lost documents, find a job, place your children in kindergarten, provide support, and help restore connections with relatives and friends. Unfortunately, not every such foundation or crisis center can accompany a woman through long-term psychological rehabilitation. A psychologist or psychotherapist can help here.

But what's with the stupid question in the subtitle? What does "stay" mean? How is this option even possible?! Indeed, according to the most conservative statistics, every year dozens of women across the country die at the hands of their own husbands, cohabitants, and lovers!

The outrage is fair, but remember. Have you met women in your life who have lived with aggressors for DECADES of years? Why do they live with them? Why don't they leave? Why do they allow themselves and their children to be abused for many years? Why do they tolerate this attitude? Let’s say right away that we will not consider the situation of an asocial or dysfunctional family, because this is a very complex topic and, even if we try, it will not be possible to cover it in one article, since an alcoholic or drug addicted married couple is also a matter of deepest personal traumas and codependency, illness and personality breakdown. So why don't they leave?

Here we come to that very “inconvenient” topic.

We can talk for a long time about love for the aggressor, reluctance to “deprive children of their father,” financial dependence and much more. Although, we recently discussed: there is a way out. But, think, in such cases, what is the secondary benefit of the woman? Yes, yes, it’s hard to believe, but there are certain benefits! It is not always visible to the naked eye. The woman does not leave because life with the aggressor is her mission!

“He will die without me, he needs me” or “I will change him”

“I must suffer for the sake of the children” or “This is my cross”

“But everyone around me pities me” or “They think I’m good.”

What are these benefits? What does a woman realize for herself when living with a tyrant?

• Codependency is a painful, destructive psycho-emotional connection with an aggressor;
• Personal traumatic experience, including that acquired in the parental family, and an attempt to work through it through repetition of traumatization;
• Masochistic typology of personality (fixation), as a basis for self-punishment.

What is the conclusion?

What conclusion can be drawn? Of course, running away from a tyrant husband or living with an aggressor is a woman’s choice, sometimes unconscious. If a woman finds the strength to leave, then she can safely be called resourceful. Love and respect for oneself, love and care for children were able to win. What if there is no resource? If there is an understanding that it is impossible to live like this, and there is a real threat to the physical and mental safety of children, but there is no strength, what then to do? Involve as many specialists as possible in solving the problem.

Families in which violence flourishes become closed to others - this is the main obstacle to help. Psychological support is one of these outstretched hands. In Russia, as in many developed countries, there are helplines and free psychological help centers, incl. for victims of domestic violence. If you do not have the opportunity to get support from loved ones, you can always find it. The main thing is to understand that you need support and start looking for it.

Author: Anna Mikhailova