How women's mistrust manifests itself
The most common variant of women’s distrust towards men is expressed in: “All men ... - you can’t trust them.”, “All men cheat.”, “All men need only one thing ...”, etc. And the danger of such thinking is that, having met a truly serious man who will show love and care, a woman will look for a catch in him, in his every action she will look for a trap: “He’s so white and fluffy now, and then... " Some ladies are so afraid of betrayal and are afraid of being deceived that they try to foresee in advance all possible options for dishonest behavior and arrange numerous manipulation checks for the man.
By the way, another form of mistrust manifests itself in such a banality as not accepting help from a man. Even when getting married, distrustful women try to do everything on their own, without asking their loved one for help. They establish complete control over their spouse, do not allow him to make independent decisions, constantly criticize him and give clear instructions on what and how to do.
How to gain trust. Psychological techniques for inducing trust
Library » Effective communication, Non-verbal » How to inspire trust
© Evgeniy Ilyin
Beginning, see Who is trusted more. Psychology of trust.
To gain trust - to win over, to win over, to enter into favor (S.I. Ozhegov). When they try to achieve this by cunning or flattery, they say that the person wants to ingratiate himself (sneak into) trust.
Each person has his own individual style of behavior, facial expressions, gestures, body posture, intonation in voice, a basic set of verbal expressions and, of course, a representative system. Each person has a certain system of worldview, perception of external reality and behavior. Knowing these characteristics of the interlocutor, you can gain confidence in him while communicating with him using the technique of hidden manipulation of the interlocutor (neurolinguistic programming - NLP), using the “adjustment” method. The fact is that people converge with others, guided by the principle of “common.” This could be mutual interest or a similar worldview, the same zodiac sign or profession, similar facial expressions or a way of expressing their emotions, etc. People love their own kind and reject “strangers.” We are not interested in the interlocutor who has nothing in common with us.
“Adjustment” is aimed at achieving subconscious trust in the interlocutor (rapport). The technology for building subconscious trust contains the following main components:
- adjustment to posture;
- adjustment by gestures;
- adjustment to breathing;
- speech adjustment;
- psychological adjustment.
Adjustment to the pose.
The first thing you should do to build rapport is to copy the pose of your interlocutor. But this must be done naturally and easily, so that the interlocutor does not get the impression that his body positions are being deliberately copied. During the conversation, the partner can change his body position several times. Therefore, copying all the changes that occur in the position of his body, you need to follow them with a slight lag. To make the adjustment less noticeable, you can adjust gradually, for example, first make the same tilt of the body and head, and then adjust in other positions.
Adjustment by gestures.
Gestures are always a signal of some psychological changes in the interlocutor. By clearly adjusting the interlocutor’s gestural system, you can achieve a deeper level of trust on the part of his unconscious.
To gain confidence in your interlocutor, there is no need to focus on exact copying of gestures; it is enough to reproduce their general direction. For example, if the interlocutor raised his hand to his forehead, you can remove an imaginary speck from your jacket. If your interlocutor has taken off his glasses and is wiping them, you can manipulate the pen that lies in front of you.
Adjustment to breathing.
This is a rather difficult technique to master and requires long training. Adjusting to our breathing means that we begin to breathe with the same depth and intensity as the interlocutor. In this case, it is better to start monitoring one thing, either the inhalation or exhalation of a person. An important feature of this technique is the ability to use cross adjustment, i.e., a person’s inhalation and exhalation is reflected not by his breathing, but by the movement of parts of the body, for example, by tapping a finger on the table. In addition, in cases where it is physiologically difficult to adjust to the breathing rate of the interlocutor (who breathes too fast or, conversely, too slowly), you can use the so-called multiple cycle method. This method involves breathing not synchronously with each person’s inhalation and exhalation, but skipping some cycles, for example, exhaling for every second exhalation of the interlocutor.
The greatest difficulty in adjusting to breathing is recognizing exactly how the other person is breathing. A person’s breathing can be heard, steam from breathing can be seen in winter, and movement of the nostrils in summer. You can see how a woman's chest or a man's stomach moves. You can hug or put your hand on your shoulder and thus get into the rhythm.
It is also necessary to note such an aspect as the importance of exhalation. Since we speak primarily as we exhale, our inner speech is also synchronized with our exhalation. Therefore, when you adapt to the interlocutor’s breathing and speak as he exhales, your speech will automatically adjust to the interlocutor’s internal rhythm and increase the effect of psychological influence.
Adjustment for speech.
Adjusting to speech includes adjusting to the timbre of the voice, speed of speech, and other characteristic features of the interlocutor’s speech, for example, his use of filler words and verbal predicates.
Theater reception
Let's look at a devastating technique with which you can instantly gain a person's trust. This is a wonderful theatrical device - an echo. It consists of repeating the words and phrases that the interlocutor uses in his speech. These words and characteristic phrases may depend on various factors - on profession, place of residence, occupation and much more.
What is special about using this method? Imagine that you are talking to the owner of a motorboat. If you call the object of his pride “boat,” then your chances of renting this boat are sharply reduced to practically zero. Why? Yes, all because the owner will definitely call her “ship”! And in order to effectively make contact, you need to speak his language, because otherwise a subconscious barrier will arise between you and the interlocutor, which will interfere with the further development of the conversation.
How to inspire trust and liberate your interlocutor in communication? Speak in his
language. Also, notice when they speak to you in your language, because this is a professional who is familiar with this technique and wants to gain your trust and build good constructive communication and dialogue.
If a person calls his house a “chalet,” he won’t tolerate it if you call him a “house,” so be careful. In fact, many kindergarten teachers have a hard time being called “teachers” because they are “early childhood educators”!
When talking, notice the slang words that a person uses to characterize elements of his life, and then casually insert them into the conversation.
Based on Internet materials (a language tool that will set you on the same wavelength as your interlocutor. 2012. January 17)
Psychological adjustment.
This adjustment is realized by creating a communication space in which you and your interlocutor will feel like part of one whole. At the same time, when it comes to methods of psychological adjustment, you must remember that you are entering the territory of maximum significance for another person and any wrong word or action will immediately become an obstacle for you in further interaction with this person.
Adjusting to emotions
. Before starting the influence, it is advisable to put yourself in the same emotional state as the interlocutor.
Adjustment to the value structure
. The values of another person are his strictly fixed and definite attitude towards all things in the world. If a deep dissonance suddenly appears between your values, the person will be completely lost to you. Therefore, it is necessary to avoid any evaluative statements when preparing and implementing influence. An evaluative statement activates the value structure of the interlocutor, and this very often leads to dissonance.
Adjustment to the representative system
. Each person has a more developed one channel of perception. The main ones are: visual, auditory, kinesthetic. The dominance of one channel or another means that a person receives and processes information primarily in this form. The tactics of influencing a person depend on the dominant perception system.
Among the signs of dominance of the visual channel is a lively gaze: the eyes are in constant motion, speech is fast (the person does not have time to describe the images that arise in his head), expressions constantly slip into conversation: “I see it like this...”, “I saw it in it...", "I look at these things...", gesticulation in the upper body. Directions of eye movement: right - up (creation of visual mental images), straight - up (memory of visual images), left - up (memory of visual images), straight - forward (figurative imagination from memory or the external world).1
When communicating with a visual person, you should not tell him “listen to me,” but rather say “look.” You should rely on figurative comparisons, talk about “bright prospects,” and support his expectation of a “brilliant future.”
A sign of dominance of the auditory canal is a very pleasant, modulated voice with complex and varied intonations. In speech there are often expressions: “I hear...”, “these are the sounds of my soul...”, “the melody of life...”, “but I heard...”, “by ear...” Such people are very sensitive to the correct phonetic organization of speech, in particular to accents. Direction of eye movement: left - sideways (memory of sound images), left - down (internal dialogue with oneself).
How to gain the trust of such a person? When communicating with the auditory, it is necessary to pay maximum attention to the intonations of speech (raising or lowering the tone, changing the timbre, increasing the volume, switching to a whisper), since this will be the main tool of influence.
1For a left-hander, this happens with the mirror opposite. In addition, there are some individual deviations from the general rules, and the perceptual system may change at different points in time.
A sign of dominance of the kinesthetic channel - a person operates with such concepts as feelings: “I feel like this...”, “I felt this...”, “oh, what sensations...”, “I was captured by this feeling...” He has a good memory for sensations, noticeable attentiveness to your comfort, selectivity in food, great love for outdoor recreation. Direction of eye movement: straight - down (imagination of bodily sensations), to the right - sideways (creation of internal sounds).
When communicating with a kinesthetic learner, you need to include more descriptions of possible sensations that the interlocutor may experience during interaction. For example, you can often say the phrases “you can feel that ...”, “a feeling of strong confidence.” He needs to say “you feel”, “feel”, etc.
OK
. When a partner does or says something, he always expects evaluation of his actions on a subconscious level. This is a very deep psychological mechanism, which is associated with the fact that any of our actions should automatically be assessed by society. Using approval, you can push the subconscious of your interlocutor towards building his trust in you. When entering into trust, you must consider the following.
It is natural for the subject to want to establish rapport in all respects at once. However, this will cause his brain to be overloaded with information. Instead of following the thread of the conversation, he will load his brain with things like the need to avoid making judgmental statements, etc. During a conversation, you need to talk, and not think about individual components of how to inspire trust. Therefore, it is advisable to train the rapport setting strictly consistently. And until the subject brings one skill to automatism, there is no need to take on the next tool. It's a long way, but only it will lead to success.
In order not to look funny and suspicious, you need to act very subtly and carefully, without causing discomfort to your interlocutor.
After all, by openly imitating, you can offend a person. Also, keep in mind that this communication technique may be difficult to get used to at first, but with practice it will become a habit. © Ilyin E. P. Psychology of trust. — M.: Peter, 2013. © Published with permission of the publisher
How do men who are not trusted behave?
A strong, self-sufficient, self-respecting man will not continue a relationship with a woman if she does not trust him. He needs a field for exploits, and this requires the faith and admiration of a woman. Having realized that in a particular case they will not get this, they break up with the lady, and she, paradoxically, is once again convinced that she is “right.”
A fairly common case in families, when a man prefers to lie on the sofa, drink beer with friends, while the wife does everything else - she earns money, raises children, and looks after the household. Likewise, men behave the same way due to lack of trust. He does not feel his strength, he thinks that he is weak - after all, this is what the woman inspires in him with her actions. True, often self-doubt is instilled in such men in childhood by tough, controlling mothers.
Admit your shortcomings
To do this, you will, of course, need confidence. Complex people never admit to their own shortcomings because they are afraid that they will be ridiculed. However, as experts say, the basis of trust is sincerity. That's why those who want to make a good impression don't shy away from talking about their shortcomings. This doesn't mean that you always talk about the mistakes you've made. However, from time to time you are willing to do it. When you admit that you are imperfect, people will like you more, oddly enough.
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Where does distrust come from?
Where does women's distrust of the stronger half of humanity come from? There may be several possible origins of the problem. Often, this is a category of women who have been betrayed by men, who have already found themselves in the position of being deceived and no longer want a similar fate for themselves. Situations are no less often observed when girls grew up in families where they did not have friendly relations with their fathers, uncles and grandfathers. After all, everyone learns to trust in childhood - without having acquired the skills initially, identifying the problem and developing the ability to trust in adulthood is much more difficult.
If a girl grew up without a father and did not have a positive example of a man before her eyes, this increases the risk that, as an adult, she will not trust them. After all, initially she gets the impression that she cannot rely on a man - he can simply run away. The behavior of the mother is adopted, who in the eyes of the girl is strong, self-sufficient and can cope with problems without a man. Therefore, it is so important for young ladies to set the right example so that they do not have problems in their personal lives in the future.
Show your affection
If you want to gain trust, demonstrate your sympathy for the person. Experiments prove that this will increase your chances of him liking you. By showing interest in him and showing your approval, you become more attractive to the other person. And it doesn’t matter what kind of relationship we are talking about - professional, personal or friendly.
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How to cast aside all doubts and trust a man
Here lies the most important paradox. On the one hand, for a woman to gain trust in a man, he must earn it. But on the other hand, as practice shows, distrustful women attract men who are capable of meanness - treason, deceit, betrayal. Due to regularly repeated sad experiences, the situation worsens - instead of starting to understand themselves, ladies begin to show even more aggression and distrust of men - a vicious circle begins.
To break it, first of all you need to understand that the world is filled with a variety of men - good and evil, decent and not so decent, caring and indifferent. Therefore, if you come across only negative heroes on your way, look at yourself from the outside, at how you think and evaluate candidates. Perhaps at this stage you will need the help of a psychologist who will help you unearth internal problems and change your way of thinking.
Women who cannot trust men are victims whose self-esteem is based on external factors. Therefore, it will be very useful to realize your own value, which does not go away even after deception and betrayal by men. If a woman respects herself, loves and values, trusts herself, then she will definitely trust others. You need to learn to live here and now, without making illusory plans for your partner in the future - to evaluate a man based on his actions and deeds, giving an advance of trust in advance.
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Listen carefully
People love when people pay attention to them. Sometimes you don't have to be a skilled speaker to gain trust. Sometimes, on the contrary, you need to give a person the opportunity to speak out while remaining an active listener. This means that you should think about what your interlocutor is saying, and not about what you will answer when he finishes his speech. Try to learn to listen more than you speak. Believe me, this is a great way to gain confidence in a person.
