Unwanted children - diagnosis or fate?
Who doesn’t know who unwanted children are? Unwanted children are children whose birth was undesirable for both or one of the parents.
But in everyday life, few people connect the undesirability of a person’s birth, especially if he is already an adult, with his unhappy fate.
And for a psychologist or psychotherapist, unwanted birth is a kind of diagnosis. Many of the client's or patient's problems become immediately clear and explainable when we learn that the child was born unwanted. The fact is that such people tend to look at the whole world through the prism of the unwantedness of their birth, feeling deprived of unconditional love and unprotected. For them, the feeling of unwanted birth is tantamount to the loss of love, and therefore the loss of a basic sense of security and trust in the world.
Unwanted children can be divided into 2 categories
: the first is children whose births were not wanted at all, as well as unplanned in time so-called “accidental” children; the second category is children unwanted by gender.
The first category includes children born out of wedlock, after rape, by minor parents, during menopause (when pregnancy is initially considered simply overweight). This includes the children of women who did not want to give birth to a certain person, as well as children whose birth forced their parents to marry. This group also includes unplanned children who were born in the same or next year after the birth of the previous child, and those children for whom there were attempts at abortion (simply intentions or actions).
In terms of the degree of undesirability by gender, the most undesirable, of course, are the third, fourth (and further) girls or boys born in a row. Often such children in Russia are called names that have both female and male versions. For example, the daughter of Alexander, Valeria or the son Valentin, Evgeniy, etc. It is not so rare for cases when, for example, a disappointed father refuses to take his fifth daughter from the maternity hospital, and a mother becomes depressed because of her third son.
The birth of daughters in crowned and titled families in countries where, by law, the crown or titles are passed on only through the male line is especially difficult.
However, unwanted children are not always unloved children. Quite often they become the most beloved. Most often, according to observations, the youngest, sick or sickly children who look like their parents or are very beautiful become the most beloved.
As practice shows, despite the difference in fate, many, if not all, unwanted children are characterized by increased anxiety and a feeling of guilt for the fact that they came into this world without meeting the expectations of their loved ones.
They may experience feelings of loneliness, abandonment and restlessness. They are more likely than desired children to experience depression, affective disorders, unmotivated aggression or self-aggression (from nail biting to suicide attempts), and a tendency to alcoholism and other addictions. According to some studies, attempts at abortion, that is, unwanted birth, explain the causes of some mental illnesses.
Unwanted children are more likely than wanted children to be jealous, touchy, and unsuccessful in love and family life. This happens because they cannot believe that they deserve love and with their behavior provoke quarrels and separations, choosing obviously unsuitable partners.
It is important to emphasize that in unwanted children who are loved by their parents, especially both, the listed experiences and character traits are less pronounced, and their future prospects are more favorable.
Unwanted children usually spend their entire lives trying as best they can to prove to their parents that they are better than their brothers and sisters.
In the worst case, some unconsciously do this, attracting the attention of parents with illnesses and suicide attempts. Behind the desire to receive their share of pity, they may be trying to get at least a little love from them. Others, having lost hope of receiving the love and attention of their parents, simply become unhappy and losers. Some unwanted children, having not forgiven their parents, begin to hate both them and their brothers and sisters.
In successful cases, unwanted children are the most persistent fighters who, at any cost, achieve success for the sake of their main goal: to prove to their parents that they were wrong by classifying them as unwanted. It is important for them to achieve more than their brothers and sisters; it seems to them that this is the only way to earn the love of their parents. For such people, the undesirability of birth is a motivation to achieve success, a kind of “golden kick”, an incentive to achieve success. However, despite all their success, they may continue to feel lonely, restless, or aggressive.
Meanwhile, there is an interesting observation that unwanted children are most often the most caring, diligently caring for their sick and elderly parents. Parents often die in the arms of unwanted children. Thus, they once again prove how worthy they were of love and recognition. By the way, the inheritance, however, goes, as a rule, to the desired children.
As for unwanted children by gender, in addition to all the problems listed above, they may have problems of gender and sexual identity, that is, have a tendency towards homosexuality, transsexualism, transvestism, and suffer from various sexual disorders.
An example from psychotherapeutic practice shows how unwanted birth can negatively affect a person’s fate.
A young, deeply unhappy woman complains that all men leave her. It turned out that she was the second daughter by birth. The father wanted a son so much that until the age of 5 he called her son and tried, despite her protests, to raise her to be a “real man.” As a result of such upbringing, his beloved daughter became a nervous, insecure, unhappy woman who, before psychotherapy, could not even give birth. She always lived with a feeling of guilt before her father and the men she loved, and was afraid of losing their love. And everyone always abandoned her, except for her father, whom she both loved and hated at the same time.
But how much the unwanted birth of a child affects his fate depends on many factors. In addition to the love of parents, this includes upbringing, the social environment, as well as the characteristics of the nervous system and the ways the body reacts to stress and psychological trauma. So it cannot be said that unwanted children are always unhappy people, although the unwantedness of birth always influences fate to some extent.
Sometimes just the realization that all their problems are explained simply by an unwanted birth helps some people to re-evaluate their actions, relationships, past life and present. In difficult cases, of course, one cannot do without psychotherapy.
Tags: psychological complexes, birth, psychological problems, desire, children
A short introduction
First of all, it is worth paying attention to such a moment as instinct, which prompts us to love this or that creature. Without this property of human nature, further development of stronger and spiritual qualities is impossible. So, what is maternal instinct in women? It is this term that will serve as our answer to all further questions that will be posed bluntly in the article.
Maternal instinct is not something directly related to a child being carried to term and born in pain, to the fact that he looks like you, etc. It is a feeling that is characterized completely differently, and here’s how. This term refers to the norms of behavior of an individual, in which it tries with all its might to protect a weaker individual. It does not matter whether there are family ties between two individuals or whether they are completely absent. The only important thing is that the defending side is larger, older, wiser and stronger, and the defendant, accordingly, loses in all these indicators.
Someone else's child
Adoption is a much more serious and responsible step than the birth of your own baby. These are completely different feelings, situations and ways to resolve psychological problems. There is no single guide on how to love an adopted child, since each case is fundamentally different. But there are some tips that will help establish contact between adoptive parents and the orphanage baby:
- Love your child “by touch.” This requirement is the most important, since children who find themselves without the care of biological parents need tactile contact more than anyone else.
- Prove your love through actions, not words. For example, teach your child to play the guitar if he has been asking for it for a long time, and do not force him to read books forever “for his own good.”
- Be proud of your child's achievements. In this way you will raise its importance in your own life.
- Remember that children are our everything. And it was with these thoughts that you went to take custody of your baby. If the baby ends up in your family, it means there are reasons for it, and all adversity is only temporary.
Child growing up
It happens that a mother endlessly loves a child in infancy. And many people mistakenly believe that this period is the most stressful, since the baby is literally not released from their hands. They believe that later he will learn to walk, talk, become more independent and everything will become easier. But the situation, on the contrary, is becoming more complicated.
The baby not only grows up, but also becomes more inquisitive. He begins to demand more attention to himself, and declaring this in words. Moreover, a character awakens in him, which simply causes bewilderment in his mother. Before this, he was a “babe” whom everyone only admired, but now he is capricious, shows dissatisfaction, overdoes it, etc. Here the question arises, how to love your child if he simply pisses you off and irritates you on every occasion?
First of all, we note that a similar situation can arise not only in the child’s kindergarten age, but also in adolescence. She is identical in both of these cases, and the mother behaves the same in both cases. It just all depends on the type of psyche of the child. Either his character will begin to manifest itself from an early age and he will “set the heat” as soon as he learns to walk, or he will be submissive for a long time, and upon reaching puberty, he will begin to “open up.”
Why does the problem exist?
If maternal instinct is a natural thing, inherent in every individual (and regardless of gender), then why do many women still ask everyone around them and themselves about how to love a child? The lack of warm feelings for a weaker creature, who is also the successor of your own family, can be caused by many reasons. And here are some of them:
- A woman prefers the role of a careerist, wife or lover, not seeing herself as a mother.
- At heart, the fairer sex remains a child herself, so the birth of a baby is always put off until “when I grow up.”
- There are serious mental disorders that block the manifestation of certain instincts.
- The woman herself was not loved as a child, and was not shown how it was to show love and care for her offspring.
- The presence of various kinds of phobias, which, in fact, also equates to mental disorders. Fears are so strong that they simply prevent a woman from fully engaging in maternal responsibilities.
- Pregnancy from an unloved man.
- Reluctance to have a child.
Regarding the last point, reluctance to have a child may be caused by one of the reasons listed above, or it may have other reasons. But it is important to note that absolutely all of these provisions relate exclusively to the modern world and its structure. And for a woman who lived several thousand years ago, all of them were alien, she did not see any obstacles to the birth of a child, and further love for him.
Postpartum depression
It’s hard to believe, but every tenth woman in the world suffers from such a mental illness. There are those who heroically struggle with oppressive feelings on their own, and through force begin to love their baby. Others walk around gloomily, doing household chores and caring for the baby like a robot. Only a few turn to loved ones for help, and a few turn to specialists. But it is the last option that is the wisest.
Even those women who planned their pregnancy often ask themselves and psychologists how to love their child after childbirth, because feelings don’t always come when you’re expecting them? Depression of this kind can be caused by many factors, and those described above in the section “Why does the problem exist?” are only part of them.
Let us note right away that many couples do not think ahead, imagining their future with a baby as something like a rosy dream. If a girl, being married to a loved one, planned the birth of a baby with him, and suddenly, when he was born, everything went wrong somehow, the following points may be the reason for this:
- A woman has absolutely no time for herself, and she understands this on a subconscious level. She is forced to hide her “I” until better times, and completely surrender to the child.
- The relationship with my husband changes radically. The child now sleeps in their bed, it serves as a kind of obstacle to the development of their personal life.
- A young mother sits at home, and her husband disappears at work. This is causing considerable concern.
Negative consequences
To conclude this topic, it is worth saying that your shortcomings while your child is growing up can negatively affect not only his future, but also the future of your grandchildren. The most important quality that an unloved child will inherit in adulthood, in relationships, in interactions with his own offspring is the inability to love.
He will ask the same questions as you, suffer, suffer. All because you simply didn’t show him what it is - love and harmony in the family, care, affection, spiritual comfort. A vicious circle will begin that will be very difficult to break. Therefore, it is best to make a break right now in order to protect your own family from making the same mistake.
Manifestation of dislike
There are no sophisticated tests or psychological terms that describe this situation. Both the mother herself and everyone around her always see when she loves her child and when she doesn’t. How can dislike manifest itself? As a rule, this is signaled by the following factors:
- The young mother is constantly in decline. Otherwise, this is called postpartum depression, and we will talk about this in detail below. In general, the situation can be described as a complete withering of personality, unwillingness to do anything, and especially to take care of the baby.
- Mom puts her interests above the baby's. For example, he spends money not on him, but on shopping, spends time not with the baby, but at work or with friends.
- She is irritated by children's crying, if the child is older, then by whims, requests, behavior. She constantly loses her temper, even if the baby just addresses her.
It is important to note that the loss of maternal feelings can happen to a woman at any stage of her relationship with her baby. That is, she can love him when he is still a baby, but then, when the child grows up and acquires a character, misunderstandings will begin, which will cause rejection. This topic will also be discussed in more detail below.
Extremely difficult relationships
A much more complex and problematic question is how to love your husband’s child from his first marriage. In this situation, most likely, you will not be the only one on whose side you should make attempts to “make friends.” If the other party, that is, the baby, does not want to accept you, the matter will not be successful.
Children are people too, each of them has their own character, and they can be very categorical. Especially if the situation is so serious and the child had to be left without a mother for one reason or another. All you can do personally is make love for your child the default feeling and put it on pause. When he himself “ripes” and understands that you are also a part of his life, your feelings will be able to be activated. Until this moment, there is no point in showing excessive and imposed care for the baby; he will take it with hostility.
If you personally are not able to have bright feelings for your husband’s child, and at the same time he does not feel negative towards you, ask yourself, why are you with this man? After all, if you choose him, you must accept him with the “baggage” that he already has. Otherwise, what keeps you close may not be love, but something else.
If you still have feelings for a man, try to figure out what exactly irritates you about your baby. Not everything is always so critical; sometimes, you just have to extend your hands to each other, and the situation resolves itself.
