When the light converges like a wedge on one person, and the relationship with him is broken, no amount of logic will help you survive this. Nothing can drown out the feeling of emptiness. This state, as if a part of you has been torn off, does not allow you to live. The world is dimming. Life stops being fun. Nothing that once brought pleasure attracts anymore...
5 28344 January 8, 2020 at 09:37 pm Author of the publication: Alena Nikolaeva, marketer
Not just the two of us... not a couple anymore.
Lines from a famous song hit the heart.
Perhaps this was not unexpected. Perhaps there were prerequisites, premonitions, or even a long, anxious wait. Or maybe everything really happened so suddenly that this fall from heaven onto the hard, cold earth became a heavy blow.
Now it doesn’t matter at all how it was. The main thing is how it is now.
And now... now, there is pain in my heart, there is a lump in my throat, there is emptiness in my head. And it’s good if already in this emptiness the question began to be heard: how to deal with depression after a breakup. A start. The process has begun.
The hope that time heals is not always justified.
Sometimes getting out of depression after a breakup can last for years. The pain may subside, the memories may fade. But the world around us will most likely never regain its former colors. But the heart may remain closed to new love.
Those closest to you, with the best intentions, are trying to level out the problem. They, completely not understanding how to overcome depression after a breakup, so easily throw out advice:
- Go to the club, relax... - You can find better. He/she is not ideal.
But what difference does this make? You know better than anyone else all the shortcomings of the one with whom you are “no longer a couple.” There are better, smarter, more beautiful, more successful. But what's the difference? If no one else is simply needed... If there is one question in your head Why did he leave/she left? How to overcome depression after a breakup?
After a breakup - depression, anxiety and insomnia
After a difficult separation, people are at risk of suffering from depression and anxiety. Lack of sleep provokes long-term, chronic insomnia.
Most likely, says psychologist Dr. Susan Quilliam (UK), a person experiences memories of longing, like a child whose parents do not want to hold them. However, she adds that human babies cannot survive on their own, and they can die from lack of warmth and food.
“Human beings are hardwired to need human contact and will be extremely affected when human contact is cut off... We are hardwired to suffer when we lose loved ones and the ability to care for them. At some point, everyone as a child thinks, "Oh my god, I'm alone, I'm going to die."
Breaking up with a person makes us feel insecure, causing anger and sadness, sadness, guilt, helplessness, fear of the future. If people feel abandoned without feeling angry, they become depressed and lose confidence in their ability to have relationships in the future. An honest analysis of the reasons for the breakup can help prevent you from sinking into depression. If you get to the bottom of the reasons correctly, then you can come out of such circumstances much wiser, and even become stronger.
Symptoms of depression after divorce
Depression is a disorder accompanied by persistent low mood. Women are more susceptible to depression than men. After divorce, women are also more likely to suffer from this disorder than men. This is explained by a more mobile state of mind.
A woman is the keeper of the home, and after a divorce from her husband, the world she created collapses, which can be difficult to survive. This process is a stressful situation. In the fight against mental stress, a person uses certain behavioral models - coping strategies. If the strategy chosen by the subconscious does not lead to effective relief from stress, depression occurs.
The latter is manifested by decreased mood, lack of desire to do anything, slower movements and speech, and attention disorder. At the same time, a person is often visited by thoughts of self-accusation, the worthlessness of himself and the world around him.
Chest pain after separation
Intense emotional pain can activate the same networks of nerves that cause physical pain, according to researchers from the University of Columbia psychologists (USA).
So, being rejected or grieving over a lost love can actually be very painful.
Researcher Edward Smith took MRI scans of the participants' brains and then asked them to look at photographs of their lost loved ones. He found that there was an overlap between the emotional and physical pain pathways. A loved one's rejection stimulated the same nerve signals that cause pain when a person spills tea on themselves, the researcher said.
How to behave after breaking up with a girl
The main task is to learn to live on. When experiencing a breakup, some men do not allow themselves to feel anger - an internal ban on demonstrating emotions is triggered. This is not recommended, as there is a possibility of emotional blockage. Feelings that come out will bring relief and will not allow you to live your future life with a feeling of loss and inner emptiness. The accumulation of experiences in oneself will lead to mental and physiological health problems.
Loving parents often don’t know how to help their son get over his breakup with his girlfriend. It must be remembered that the support of loved ones during a difficult period of life is important, therefore those around you should follow some rules:
- show tact;
- do not give advice;
- be able to listen.
When experiencing the pain of separation, it is not recommended to:
- Abuse alcohol. Alcoholic drinks will aggravate the problem, giving only the illusion of relief. They also cause health problems, which will lead to new negative consequences.
- Show hatred towards others. Other people are not responsible for what happened.
- Constantly blaming yourself. It is important to assess the situation and in the future avoid making the mistakes that led to the separation.
- Ignore your health condition. Parting with a loved one is stress, which leads to various physiological manifestations: sleep disorders, indifference, loss of appetite, diseases of the cardiovascular system, etc.
- Stay alone. If you are alone with yourself for a long time, it will be difficult to restore your mental balance and emotional state. It is useful to fill your life with new events and impressions every day.
- Start a new relationship without having to go through the stages of what happened. The pain must subside to give way to a new feeling.
Separation can cause a heart attack
After a breakup or divorce, the body is flooded with stress hormones - cortisol and adrenaline. This increases the heart rate and causes irregular heart rhythms.
An elderly cardiologist, Dr. Graham Jackson (England), said in an interview that he often saw people die of a heart attack in the first two weeks after the breakup of two people. People turn pale as the arteries narrow. And, this possibly happens the day after the breakup.
Women tend to die suddenly in the short term after a breakup, but men die from heart attacks in the long term. People who have survived do not take care of themselves, they do not eat well, they do not go to the doctor. Thus, they die,” explained the cardiologist. (Next, go to the next page, numbering below)
Duration and possible consequences
The duration of this condition may vary. The duration of depression after divorce can be from two months to six months. Sometimes women cannot get out of this state for years, and even ten years after separation, they need the help of a psychotherapist. This disorder is called recurrent depressive disorder, and divorce can be the beginning of a long-term mental illness.
The danger of depression is that a person suffering from it loses interest in life. And at the same time, he loses his social position, career growth, friends and loved ones. In the most severe cases, suicide attempts are possible. Clinical forms of depression should be treated by a specialist with the help of drug therapy; trying to get out of them alone may not be effective. In mild cases, you can try to cope on your own.
Is it worth returning to the relationship?
Sometimes a man is not mentally ready to let the lady go and be left alone. He doesn’t know how to continue to be alone, so he is looking for ways to return his beloved and restore relationships. In some cases, this is the right decision; the beloved may say about breaking up under the influence of emotions after a quarrel. But it is important to understand in time whether this relationship is worth a second chance.
Perhaps the guy is driven not by love, but by other emotions:
- He is afraid to be alone. Believes that he will not build new relationships. In such a situation, a young man urgently needs to increase his self-esteem.
- Fears that the next passion will be worse than the previous one. Although more often the opposite happens.
- If your pride is hurt, new acquaintances and flirting will help correct the situation.
- If falling in love does not go away after breaking up, you should wait. Time is the best medicine.
- When the problem is a banal habit, it is important to realize that going back to the past is not the answer.
How do people cope with divorce?
Of course, the duration and strength of the experience depends on various factors: the reason for the breakup, the presence of children, financial aspects, etc., but psychologists say that the emotions that men and women experience at this time are radically different from each other.
Depressive states typical for men
Men are considered to be the strong half of humanity. But this is precisely what plays a cruel joke on them. Afraid of appearing weak, they carefully hide their emotions.
Sometimes even those closest to you don’t know how hard it is for a person. The situation gets worse if the ex-wife prevents communication with the children or turns them against the father.
Falling out of his usual life, feeling helpless and useless, a man commits such destructive acts as:
- drinking alcohol (even to the point of binge drinking);
- promiscuous sexual intercourse;
- aggression and fights;
- absenteeism from work;
- suicide attempts.
Even if a man seems calm and carefree, try to support him during this period.
Experiences specific to women
It cannot be said that it is much easier for women after the divorce process. Of course, most representatives of the fair sex do not miss the opportunity to tell their friends, mothers, etc. about their troubles; this does not always make things easier.
In addition to resentment and hopelessness, girls often suffer from:
- problems with self-esteem;
- feelings of guilt towards children;
- fear of financial problems (especially if you have a baby);
- fear of being alone.
A woman may stop caring for herself, begin to actively look for new relationships, and abuse alcohol.
You shouldn't start an affair to prove something to your ex or yourself. To let a new person into your heart, you need to do some spring cleaning.
The stress that children experience
By concentrating on their own grievances and sorting out relationships, adults often underestimate the emotional state of the child. Meanwhile, the baby is no easier than they are. It’s good if they don’t make him a bargaining chip in their squabbles or set him up against one of the parents.
But even if the couple protects the child as much as possible, he feels and understands much more than he seems.
Stress in this situation is expressed by:
- in blaming yourself. Auto-aggressions;
- anger towards parents. In bad behavior;
- decreased academic performance;
- appetite and sleep disturbances.
Try to refrain from quarreling in front of your child. It is important to maintain human relationships at least for his sake.
How to survive a breakup: advice from psychologists
Men are not as strong creatures as they might seem, and they also experience a breakup acutely. If you can’t cope with the consequences of a breakup on your own, you need to consult a psychologist. The following advice from psychoanalysts will also help you survive the breakup:
- There is no need to give up on life. Each man is a separate person who has desires and needs. You need to find a new hobby and diversify your everyday life. This will help you forget about depressing thoughts.
- In any quarrel, both partners are to blame; blaming everything on the woman is unmanly.
- Even such simple joys as an interesting film or an unusual dish can help lift your spirits.
- The ex-girlfriend needs to be forgiven and forgotten. You should not seek meetings with her or find out how she is doing.
- The most important point is accepting the fact of the breakup. After this, the young man will feel much better.
What men are silent about
Guys also tend to care about their loved ones, but its manifestations are not always noticeable. Even if during a quarrel or scandal a young man does not react in any way to the girl’s upset, this does not mean that he is not worried. The man is trying to find words that will calm his beloved and prove to her that there is no reason to be upset.
READ
How men cope with the breakup of a relationship with the woman they love
If a girl tells her partner that she wants to break off the relationship with him, then he falls into a severe state of shock. Often a man denies this possibility and does not know how to forget about his beloved. He is not ready to believe that the relationship is over, and when he realizes that the girl is not around, he experiences severe pain from loss.
In searching for the reason that made the woman leave, many young people blame themselves. The hardest time is for those who did not notice problems in communication and were not prepared for what happened. When a person understands that a crisis is brewing in a relationship, it is easier for him to prepare for a possible outcome
How does a man feel when breaking up?
The fact that a woman decided to break off the relationship indicates the guy’s inability to provide her with living conditions and make her happy. He feels guilty for every woman's display of dissatisfaction.
Even if the real reason lies in the partner, the young man on a subconscious level will feel responsible for the development of events. When the young lady leaves, the man feels rejected. Even though there are two people to blame for the breakdown of a relationship in any situation, the guy will be haunted by the thought that he turned out to be unworthy of the lady.
The hardest thing to find a way to get over a breakup after a long relationship is for those guys whose significant other not only decided to stop dating, but has already found a replacement for them. This behavior indicates that, given a possible choice, she preferred someone else. This becomes a severe blow to a man’s pride.
READ
How to tell a girl about breaking up: advice for guys
Psychological stages of experiencing a breakup
Although every person is different, after a divorce everyone goes through 5 stages:
- negation;
- anger and resentment;
- negotiations, attempts to return;
- depression;
- acceptance and adaptation to a new life.
Even if it is very difficult, you should not drown out the pain with alcohol. This will only make the situation worse.
