How to cope with the death of your father?
When a parent, father or mother dies, this event cannot but leave a deep mark. In this article I will talk about how to cope with the death of your father. When you first learn about the death of your father, especially an unexpected death that is not preceded by illness, you feel shock or even nothing. If you have to deal with a funeral and organize everything, then you can remain in this insensibility until the funeral, because business distracts you.
You may then feel very great grief and loss that seems impossible to cope with. Try not to hold back your feelings, cry if you want. It is important to allow the feelings of grief to come out freely. You will remember a lot about your father, about episodes of your childhood when he supported you and understood you.
During this period, it is also normal to feel angry at other people or at your father because he died, or because he did something bad to you. Don’t blame yourself for these feelings, they are completely normal, because now you are remembering everything connected with your father.
You may feel very guilty for not being attentive to your father in the last years of his life, for not sending him to the doctor, for not communicating with him much. These feelings are also normal. It’s normal to even see the ghost of the deceased - many people have this reaction immediately after death, you shouldn’t be afraid of it.
Maybe you want to fulfill some dream of the deceased or become what he always wanted you to be. Or you might want to leave all the things he used in their original places, as if he will soon enter the room and pick them up. In the early days after your father's death, this reaction is normal, but keep in mind that if it lasts more than a year, it means that you need help in coping with this loss.
If guilt, anger, or other strong feelings persist in you several years after your father's death, or if you have recently experienced another bereavement, then you may want to seek help because you have complicated grief that is difficult to process on your own.
Don't hold onto your grief because when you stop grieving, it doesn't mean you will forget your father or stop loving him. He will remain in your heart, you will remember him at especially important moments in your life, you will mentally ask his advice if you did so during his life. In general, you will have some kind of relationship with him, but it will no longer be with a real person, but with an image. The point of the grief period is precisely to rebuild relationships and mourn the loss of the relationships you had.
If you are asking “how to get over the death of your father” in the hope that you will get advice from a psychologist on how to quickly stop grieving and feeling pain, but you should know that there is no way to get over the pain of loss quickly. Suppressing grief is costly because the pain then will not go away in a year or two, but will live inside for many years, awakening every time death or the father-child relationship is mentioned.
So, how to cope with the death of your father :
1. Cry, talk to someone who knew him, talk to someone about your relationship with him and your feelings about his death.
2. Don't suppress your feelings: There are many feelings that arise after the death of a loved one, and they are all normal.
3. If you experience not a fleeting, but a very obsessive and persistent feeling of guilt or anger, seek help from a psychologist, because your grief is complicated and may not go away with time.
4. Listen to your urges and impulses, they will help you cope with the death of your father.
5. Read books about grief, fiction and psychological - the more you think about this topic, the better you experience grief.
I am to blame for the death of my 87-year-old father, who, having been blind for 11 years and subsequently deaf, felt lonely, hopeless, and with emptiness in his soul committed suicide through suffocation. My fault is that when I went to work I could not provide him with the attention I needed, and when I came home from work I was annoyed by his questions, not understanding how lonely a blind man was without communication. Sometimes she could offend him morally. I deprived him of attention and care, and all this prompted him to commit suicide. He is tired of this life. I don't know how to live with this? Valentina.
Hello, Valentina.
You ask how to live with the fact that you are to blame for your father’s death, as if it is a fact that you are to blame. Apparently, he really felt very bad, since he committed suicide, and it’s very sad and sad, it’s a shame that he felt so bad, and no one knew about it, including you. Apparently, he did not say that he felt so bad.
You took care of your father, and judging by your message, you were the only one who did. Most likely, it was very difficult for you yourself, hence the irritation. A person can share his energy and joy only if he himself has it, and not because he has to.
I don't know when your father died, whether it was recently or a long time ago. If recently, then you are experiencing grief, and grief is characterized by looking for someone to blame, including yourself. But this does not mean that you are actually to blame for your father's death. You didn’t know that he would commit suicide, you didn’t know that he felt so bad and lacked communication so much, and it wasn’t easy for you yourself either. You also needed care and understanding from someone that you needed to rest after work, to replace you for a while in caring for your father. It was only in retrospect that you realized what he was missing and how bad it was, but you didn’t know it then, and couldn’t have known if he didn’t talk about it.
If it’s about what you should do now, then first of all it will help you get rid of the feeling of guilt for his death. It's not your fault. Then you should give yourself time to get over the death of your father. This always takes time, usually from six months to a year. If more than a year has passed and your feelings are just as intense, then you really need to talk to someone about it.
It happens that a person retains a feeling of guilt because he wants to retain some strong feelings for the deceased, and then it is as if he did not die. If you talk about your father with someone, with different people and a lot, then these strong feelings will gradually go away. It’s like opening a pan and steam comes out, so do feelings come out with words.
Help from a psychologist in coping with the death of loved ones
How to adapt to life without a loved one?
To come to terms with the loss, we must accept that we will not be able to change the situation and bring the deceased back. First of all, think about the fact that your loved one is unlikely to be happy about your depression. Left alone with yourself, mentally visualize your loved one, try to see every feature of him and imagine what he would say to you at that moment. Surely he would be dissatisfied with your condition and force you to urgently take care of yourself.
Don't delay the acceptance stage. The sooner you take control of negative thoughts and feelings, the easier it will be to adjust to your new life after loss. There are several effective ways to accept the death of a loved one. Let's take a closer look at them.
Keep a daily routine
Plan your daily routine hourly so that you don’t have time for idle thoughts. Use the pomodoro technique: after every 15 minutes of work, take a 5-minute break. This is the best option for distributing the load so as not to get tired and not have time to be distracted by sad thoughts.
Get at least 8 hours of sleep to feel alert and have the strength to deal with stress. It is advisable to go to bed no later than 22:00.
Don't forget about regular balanced meals, but don't eat your grief. In this way, you will not get rid of mental pain, but will only develop a food addiction, which you may have to fight for the rest of your life.
Exercise regularly
Regular physical activity is an effective way to distract yourself from worries, throw out accumulated negative emotions and clear your thoughts. If you don’t have time for full-fledged training, give yourself a rule to devote at least 15 minutes to sports every day, gradually increasing the number of sessions. Don’t set too difficult tasks; simple charging at the initial stage will be quite enough.
Psychologists point out boxing and yoga as the most effective ways to cope with stress and achieve spiritual harmony. If possible, take these ideas into account.
Form new habits
The passing of a soul mate can radically change your routine, especially if you spent every day together. It is the shared moments that people miss most after the loss of relatives and friends.
How to cope with the death of a loved one if almost every little thing in the house reminds you of him and your shared past? No matter how hard it may be, you will have to gradually eliminate each such reminder from your life. Most people who have experienced the death of loved ones carefully store their clothes, personal belongings and furnishings in the room. Psychologists strongly do not recommend creating such memorial corners, where everything reminds of the deceased. They slow down the “recovery” process, prevent you from letting go of the situation and continuing to live a full life. It is better to hide the deceased’s belongings away in a closet or give them to the homeless.
Another effective tip is to change habits associated with the deceased. For example, previously every weekday morning began with a joint tea with my spouse or mother. Start a new habit. Go to work early, buy yourself a glass of coffee on the way, try to enjoy the new day and the fact that you are in it.
Do what you love
One of the most recommended ways to cope with death is to do something you love that brings you real pleasure. Choose an activity you like and indulge in it to the fullest when you feel bored. This could be work, reading books, listening to your favorite music or a hobby. Painstaking handwork, such as embroidery, felting wool toys, beading or drawing, helps to distract from bad thoughts. It will be nice if you decide to learn a new profession, get a second education, or find an interesting hobby. Complete immersion in the educational process helps to redirect thoughts in a different direction and at least temporarily distract from worries.
Get back to work
After the funeral of a loved one, some people throw themselves into work, while others, on the contrary, cannot concentrate on pressing matters and are in complete apathy.
If you don’t have the strength to return to work immediately after the tragedy, give yourself some time to recover and put your thoughts in order. Running away to work can have the opposite effect and cause depression due to emotional and mental overload. Don’t rush to overload yourself, give yourself the opportunity to experience this pain, feel it and let it pass through you, and only then return to work with new strength and bright thoughts. A favorite activity helps fill the void, distracts from sad thoughts, and relieves despondency and despair. By engaging in professional fulfillment, it is easier to feel supported and realize that life goes on.
Forgive yourself
Having lost a beloved husband, child or parent, any of us may feel indirect guilt for this tragedy. Many are tormented by obsessive thoughts that they could have prevented the situation or prolonged the life of their loved one. Such self-flagellation only aggravates the situation and prolongs the stage of “getting stuck on feelings.”
It is important to understand that no one living has the power to interfere with the laws of existence and prevent someone’s death. Do not regret that you spent little time with the deceased and did not have time to tell him some important words. Constantly thinking about what cannot be changed, you risk developing neurosis or insomnia. Instead, take into account the mistakes of the past, forgive yourself for them and switch to people who are still alive and also need your attention and love.
Think about the future
Another effective way to accept the death of a loved one is to support another person who is also experiencing loss at this moment. Think about how to help your mom cope with your dad's death. Be there, surround her with care, help around the house and prepare a delicious dinner when you meet her from work. Don't be moody and focused on your own pain. When helping others, think about the fact that your loved one who has passed away would probably be proud of such actions.
Women who have lost their spouses often give up on themselves and live for many years only with thoughts of their deceased husband. Acquaintance with another man is perceived by them as treason and betrayal. It is necessary to fight such thoughts and not broadcast them to others, otherwise children will perceive their mother as unhappy and doomed to loneliness.
Think about the fact that every day could be your last, so you need to pull yourself out of depression right today. Give yourself time to accept what happened and move on with your life. The departed person will not go anywhere from your heart, but you simply do not have the right to waste your only life on many years of experiences. To make it easier, determine your plans for the near future. Set a goal to go to the sea next summer and save money for the trip. Don’t throw yourself into the deep end after losing your spouse, but don’t forbid yourself to look at the opposite sex – there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you have long wanted to change your profession or visit Europe, start working towards this goal right now - now you yourself know that life can end at any moment.
Don't hesitate to ask for help
If you can’t cope with the situation on your own and you haven’t been able to cope with depression for a long time, consult a psychologist. He will help:
- find out what barrier prevents you from getting out of a depressed state and starting to live again;
- clearly formulate feelings, after which it will be easier to accept them;
- work through the current state and let the deceased go with a light soul.
Urgent help from a psychotherapist is required for the following manifestations:
- feeling of complete hopelessness;
- obsessive thoughts of suicide;
- uncontrollable intense crying;
- inhibition of physical reactions and speech;
- critical weight loss;
- inability to perform basic household tasks;
- loss of concentration.
The help of a psychologist may also be needed if, for example, you do not know how to tell your child about the death of a loved one and help him survive the tragedy. After all, he may not understand what happened and may not experience the shock that you experienced. But the child will acutely feel the further absence of a loved one in his life, experiencing stress, fear, anxiety, etc. In order to avoid negative consequences in the form of mental disorders and complexes, it is recommended to consult a psychologist and spend as much time as possible with your child.
