If you have truly loved someone, then you know that parting is a little death...
People who once loved each other break off relationships for various reasons, but you should always part gracefully, especially if this happens on the initiative of one person. What does "beautiful" mean? Without unnecessary pain, torment, painful understatement, humiliation and betrayal towards your former partner. Why is this so important? Well, at least because to avoid the boomerang effect (and it exists!) and so that someone will not leave you (and this, unfortunately, happens to everyone) ugly, plunging you into the abyss of not only pain, but also hatred.
Let me share with you practical experience and advice from psychologists that will help you leave gracefully...
Preparing for care
In any relationship, problems inevitably arise. Sometimes they are surmountable, sometimes not. At the same time, no matter how many reasons you name that, in your opinion, led to the breakup, no matter what words you endlessly describe them, your feelings, state and motives, in fact, all the reasons for the separation between a man and a woman, by and large (naturally) , with some variations), come down to two points.
You have fallen out of love with a person
Love can simply pass, gradually fade away, lose its significance and depth. You can fall out of love because of some character traits of your partner that are unacceptable to you personally, his everyday habits, actions, emotional or sexual incompatibility, resentment or betrayal that you are not able to forgive, the need for more freedom, etc., etc. n. It’s unfortunate, but that’s not what happens in life. If you clearly realize that you no longer love the person who is next to you, there is no point in continuing such a relationship.
A “third angle” has appeared in your relationship
If thoughts about another person, new love, new relationships do not come from your head, do not deceive yourself or your partner, do not make him, yourself, or that third person unhappy. If the prospect of a new relationship looks much more attractive than the previous one, decide to leave.
In general, if you realized that your problems in your relationship with your partner are insurmountable, and the relationship itself has become a burden, causes pain or no longer inspires you, and you simply cannot live without wings, do not get on your partner’s nerves with your behavior, do not pull the poor cat by the tail - get ready to part.
Just weigh everything very well again. The cost of a mistake can be too high. Before you decide to take such a step, make sure that you really want it and are ready to leave.
Happy separation or how to end a relationship painlessly
In our previous article, we talked about signs that your relationship has reached a dead end and why relationships end. Once you decide that you want to go your separate ways
Once you have decided that going your separate ways is the best decision, the process of breaking up the relationship can be quite nerve-wracking, since the hearts of two people are interconnected.
Here are some steps to help you through this stage and tips on how to reduce the pain you cause to another person:
Make sure you understand why you are doing it. Sometimes the reason that lies on the surface is not the true one. Dig deeper inside yourself to find the real reason. The fact that you are inside the situation can interfere with your good judgment. Detach yourself from the situation and spend some time alone. This will help you gain the clarity you need.
Commit to yourself to be honest with yourself and the other person. The truth will set you free. Don't change your word.
Set a time to meet
Set up a time to talk to your partner as soon as possible. Some people object to breakups over the phone. I also believe that doing this in person is always the best option, but if distance separates you, it is better to do it over the phone as soon as possible rather than wait.
Before your meeting, enter a state of compassion for the other person. In a state of compassion, you will radiate the love and understanding you need to help another person heal from their wounds. Here are some tips to help you get into a state of compassion:
Deep Breathing – Stand up straight, close your eyes and place your hand on your heart. Inhale and exhale deeply and slowly. After inhaling, hold your breath for 5 counts before exhaling slowly. Repeat at least 15 times.
Gratitude – Sit comfortably, close your eyes and imagine all the things you are grateful for. Let one thing follow another, let images of people, situations, places and things arise in your imagination. Or, alternatively, try writing it all down rather than picturing it in your head.
Concentrate on love – Close your eyes. If you like, play slow music that you like. Think back in time to all the times when you felt loved and when you yourself felt love for others. Remember those moments when you were truly happy and free. Imagine yourself as a small child who rejoices and feels his freedom. Do this exercise for at least 5-10 minutes.
During the meeting, focus on communicating your reasons clearly and respectfully to the other person. Here are some additional tips on what to do when explaining in a meeting:
When you explain, focus on how it made you feel so your partner won't feel the need to become defensive. Make it clear to him/her that this situation is not their fault, since the blame in this case is not a help.
Talk about what you've learned from the relationship and what you're grateful for.
Be sincere about everything you say. If you don't really mean it, don't say it. People can easily tell when you are being insincere.
Your partner may become emotional and become very upset. Their emotional state may fluctuate. Your job is to be there for them. Become an observer of the situation. Remain aware, calm and alert.
Don't take anything personally
When we're emotional and feel like we've been hurt, we get irritated very easily and say things we don't really mean. Don't be surprised if your partner starts acting like a little child and starts saying reckless and mean things to you. He/she doesn't really think so. They are just in pain and need your attention. Don't take anything personally. Become an observer so you don't get caught up in what's said and become defensive.
Love them no matter the situation. They are people and they have feelings. Remember that you can love them without being in a romantic relationship with them. Be there for them in a state of love and compassion, no matter how they react. This will help you find balance and at the same time remain calm to help the other person cope with the situation as best as possible.
If you feel like crying, cry, and do it with all your might. This will release the emotional blockage in your subconscious.
In fact, the news is not realized immediately; it takes several days. Don't think that you meet once and it will be over. It is your responsibility to be with this person, at least in the initial stages of the breakup.
Do whatever is necessary to help them heal their emotional wounds and not compromise their own values. Be available to them when they need you.
Give them space. They will still experience pain even if everything seems fine. Now they need time.
Check in with them several times during the initial stages of a breakup to make sure they are okay and to let them know that they mean a lot to you. Remind them that you are there if they need you to help them heal their wounds.
You may feel guilty because you are the one who initiated the breakup. You see that you have caused pain and this may affect your condition. Below are some tips to help you let go of this feeling:
Meditation
Deep breathing
Time alone with yourself
Energy Release Exercise
How to cope with your partner leaving
We all have a story of being heartbroken, and we all understand how breakup victims feel. It hurts, it hurts a lot. You feel as if the world has come to an end and you simply wonder how anyone can survive it. You will feel pain and despair, but I promise you, you will overcome it. Time is a magical tool. I will write an informative article on this topic soon, but in the meantime, here are some tips for those who have been victims of a relationship breakup.
Talk to Friends – Putting your thoughts and possible courses of action into words can help you gain greater understanding and perspective.
Surround yourself with positive energy – Surround yourself with friends and family. Be around happy and optimistic people. Be around people you like. Be around people who can make you laugh.
Love yourself – Spend time alone, loving yourself. Do things that help you value and love yourself, which will also help you gain self-confidence and independence. When was the last time you appreciated yourself?
It's okay if you cry - In fact, I even recommend it. Express the pain and let it out. Don’t hold back and give yourself complete freedom, cry. This will allow you to free yourself. Tears are good.
Find the Lesson – What have you learned from this relationship? I firmly believe that something good can come from any situation, even those we perceive as bad. Focus on what life lesson you have learned that you could not have learned any other way.
Feel the pain fully – When pain comes, our instinct is to get rid of it. We are distracted by other tasks while suppressing pain. In fact, this does not eliminate the pain. “What we resist continues to exist.” The best way to deal with pain is to face it halfway. Closing your eyes, fully feel the sharp pain in the very depths of your being and observe it. Separate the observer from the pain.
Visualization and Gratitude – Place your hands on your heart and close your eyes. Visualize all the things, experiences and people you are grateful for. If you imagine a person, try to see his face smiling at you with joy and kindness. Give thanks for all the things we take for granted, the parts of our bodies, the things we love about our jobs, the people who love us. Thank your heart, which works tirelessly, and without which we simply would not be here. Give thanks for our homes where we feel safe, the abundance of food and clothing that keep us warm. Thank the people who are kind to us. Gratitude brings you into a state of love, acceptance and understanding.
What is the benefit for me? – Focus on how this new situation can help you. Perhaps you will now have free time to pursue what is important to you. Perhaps you can find the independence and freedom that you have been wanting to feel.
Time heals – After the initial shock has passed and you have spent a lot of time communicating with your ex-partner, take some time away from him/her. It is very difficult to gain clarity, independence and see perspective if they constantly remind you of yourself. I recommend spending a few weeks away from them: no meetings, no emails, no phone calls. Over time, your wounds will heal.
Silence heals. Sit in silence and observe your emotions and thoughts. Place a diary and pen nearby. When thoughts come to you, write them down in your journal. Use these notes as a guide to help you sort through your thoughts. They are powerful and can help you gain clarity.
Rules of beautiful care - how to survive a breakup
Of course, breaking up a relationship is a very emotionally difficult and painful moment. Unfortunately, it is impossible to break someone's heart gently. And you need to prepare for this too. As the initiator of the breakup, according to psychology, you are responsible for the pain you cause to your once loved one. Therefore, do everything to end the relationship as humanely as possible.
In this regard, never disappear from your partner’s life without explaining yourself, do not avoid him, hoping that he will figure everything out on his own (he won’t!), do not inform about the separation by phone, in a letter, through friends or relatives. Do not delay the explanation, causing pain to your partner with your behavior, do not create scandals and demonstrative scenes on the topic “You don’t understand me!”, secretly hoping that he will not stand it and will be the first to break off the relationship. Such behavior is unworthy of an adult, and your partner definitely does not deserve this, at least in memory of all the good things that happened between you (and it happened!). Well, and, of course, never start a new relationship without breaking the old one. Because it's disgusting. Then you will hate yourself.
So, if you definitely decide to leave, try to adhere to the rules of beautiful leaving.
Don't waste time
It shouldn’t take much time from the moment you make the final decision to leave until the breakup itself. If you decide to leave, go away! Don't lie to your partner and don't take away his time, which he can spend looking for new love.
Don't start a conversation about a breakup unexpectedly for your partner.
Let him know that you want to talk about your relationship. However, it is very important that a little time passes from the moment of warning until the conversation itself, ideally on the same day, otherwise the partner will go crazy, tormented by guesses.
Schedule a breakup conversation for the Friday before the weekend. Psychologists believe that this will help alleviate the suffering of the partner, since the person will have several days to recover after your departure without the need to meet other people and go to work.
Never break up a relationship in public
And it doesn’t matter who these people are, strangers passers-by or closest friends. This is very cruel and humiliating, both for your partner and for you. Believe me, none of those around you who became unwitting witnesses to your separation will think well of you. To put it mildly.
Be as delicate as possible
Whatever the reason for the breakup, you are the initiator, which means you are the one who is going to hurt your ex-partner. Show tact, don’t be rude, don’t remember past grievances, and under no circumstances go on and on about the reasons that prompted you to leave. Spare the feelings of the person who may love you very much. Speak seriously and calmly, without tears or using gentle words, otherwise your partner may doubt the firmness of your decision and will try to prove it to you, which will prolong your mutual torment for a long time.
Be honest
When announcing a breakup, do not come up with what you think are global reasons and never lie. The truth will emerge sooner or later, and when this happens, you will lose respect, and, probably, not only in the eyes of your ex-partner. If you fall out of love, say so, but without going into details that are unpleasant for your partner, if you fall in love with another person, tell the truth. Honesty is the main rule of a graceful breakup.
Make your intentions clear
Don’t wag your tail, don’t leave your partner false hope of the possibility of renewing the relationship, trying to “soften the blow.” Put a taboo on the phrases: “I need time to figure myself out,” “Let’s take a break from each other,” “We can remain good friends.” It will only get worse and more painful for your partner, who will hope, wait, waste strength, nerves and energy trying to get you back.
Don't drag out the conversation
In order to leave gracefully, you don’t need to talk all night long - this way you will never be separated. Moreover, a detailed conversation can develop into a quarrel and a big scandal. Say what you wanted to say, answer your partner’s questions honestly, make it clear that this is the end, apologize and leave. Believe me, this is the best strategy.
Prepare for the worst
Your partner may perceive your confession and announcement of leaving too violently - with tears, screaming, insults, pleas and even fists. At the first sign of an inappropriately violent reaction to your words, apologize, say that, if necessary, you can talk another time, when your partner has calmed down, and leave immediately. Never raise your voice or insult the person in response. Just leave. So, it will be better for everyone.
Don't blame yourself
No matter how painfully your partner reacts to your words, do not “eat” yourself for it. Don't suffer. It’s not your fault that the feelings have passed, but you want to move on with your life to meet your true love. You are not a monster. That's just how life is.
Listen to these tips. When you leave, leave gracefully. This is the only way you will get real freedom and a chance for a new happy relationship. This is the only way you won’t be tormented by guilt and you won’t be ashamed of your behavior.
Stages of breaking up a relationship
To understand how to survive a breakup, you need to realize that this process is quite lengthy, and it is divided into several stages. And how you go through them will determine how difficult it will be for you, how long the process will take, and, ultimately, what the final result will be. Someone, having gone through all the stages of separation, returns to normal life, as if cured of an illness. And there are people who get stuck on one of them. As a result, this ends in depression and the desire to isolate oneself from any communication. By following the tips below, you can avoid this insidious trap and understand that life goes on and there is still a lot of interesting things ahead.
5 steps to accept a breakup
So, psychologists identify the following stages of separation:
Negation.
At this stage of separation, the person does not understand at all and does not want to understand what happened. Many people think that this is just a bad dream and that everything is not happening to them. At such moments, most people begin to “hypnotize” the phone, expecting a call from a loved one. And all because the brain has not yet had time to “digest” what happened and rebuild. After all, there were so many plans and hopes, but in the end everything collapsed miserably.
Advice: At such moments, experts advise not to be alone. You are not yet capable of thinking constructively, and the thoughts that now live in your head will inevitably aggravate your already difficult situation. Visit your family, meet with friends, try to distract yourself and occupy your head with something else.
Bitterness.
At this stage of a relationship breakup, we are overwhelmed with emotions. After all, there is so much pain inside, and you begin to look for its cause. And then past, even minor, grievances come up. You begin to blame your ex-other half for everything that happened. It seems to you that life is unfair and you must take revenge.
Advice: At such moments, it is best to refrain from any action. Most likely, you will regret what you do in the future, because your current emotional state will not allow you to make the right decision. The most dangerous time here is the evening, when you are left alone with your thoughts. It is best at such moments to occupy yourself with some favorite activity or go for a workout (even a light jog in the fresh air is enough). If you can’t get distracted, make a promise to yourself to give in to the desire to do what you have in mind, but tomorrow morning, if you don’t change your mind.
The desire to return everything.
You have no idea how to accept a breakup and the only thing that comes to your mind is to try to mend the broken cup. It is at this stage that people start calling their exes and trying to continue the relationship as if nothing happened. And sometimes it turns into obsession and creates problems for both. Although in your heart you understand that everything is already over, you desperately continue to make attempts to return everything.
Advice: Usually, a person begins vigorous activity to correct “broken” relationships in a state that psychologists call “surging.” Therefore, if it seems to you that not everything is lost and you need to act, again, put it off until the next day, “sleep with it.” And believe me, tomorrow, most likely, this will seem like an absurd idea to you.
Apathy.
At this stage of separation, you become depressed. It seems to you that nothing is important anymore. I don’t want to do anything or communicate with anyone. Everything you do happens as if “automatically”. There are also difficult cases when a person completely withdraws into himself.
Advice: Depression is a serious illness. Therefore, in order to avoid undesirable consequences and quickly get out of this state, it is advisable to consult a psychologist as soon as possible. And under no circumstances should you hold back your emotions. Cry, you need it now. You must realize that no period will last forever, but it can drag on significantly until you allow yourself to get out of it.
Awareness.
Now you have fully realized that the old relationship no longer exists, but despite this, life goes on. Set your sights on a new life without a partner, let him and your thoughts go.
Advice: Dedicate more time to yourself. Set new goals. Now is the time when you want to change your life. Don't hold back. But don't look for a “replacement” for your past relationship just so you don't have to be alone. And, conversely, do not close yourself off by deciding that a relationship is not for you. Take what ended as an experience.
