How to improve relations with a husband on the verge of divorce is a question that faces many married couples. What to do - life is life. And sometimes it happens that it seems that the spouses have no other choice but to get a divorce. Divorce begins to seem to them a quick and decisive deliverance from all the troubles, misunderstandings and dead ends into which husband and wife have driven each other. Well, what’s wrong with that? Divorced, and you start life with a “clean slate”...
But is it? No not like this. For the most part, divorce comes with many difficult, debilitating consequences. There are children, and division of property, and a showdown that can last for years, and what not! So, maybe it’s not necessary to get a divorce in all cases - even if it seems that there is simply nothing else left? Maybe it makes sense for both husband and wife to stop “on the very brink” and try to repair the family boat that has leaked, in other words, try not to get a divorce, but, having sorted out the relationship and identifying all mutual mistakes, try to continue to live as a common family?
Of course, in such a situation there are usually both parties to blame, but in this article we will look at this problem from a woman's point of view.
Reminder of past mistakes
Bad things are always remembered much better and more clearly, so it is not surprising that wives can remind their husbands of their previous mistakes.
Why is it better not to remember your spouse’s past mistakes?
Because the spouse most likely will not be able to correct previous mistakes, but he will definitely be able to tense up, and then the memories can start a new conflict.
What can you do?
Instead of hoarding all past mistakes in your memory, you can try to remember the good moments when your husband really succeeded. If a husband has greatly offended his wife and she cannot forget about such a mistake, then she can honestly tell him about what bothers her so much.
Disagreements with husband in raising a child
If you and your husband have different views on parenting, how can you raise a child together? After all, all your disagreements with your husband in raising a child are reflected precisely on him... While parents argue until they are hoarse, deciding where to put a comma in the phrase “Punish cannot be praised,” their child does not know how to please both of them.
How can we agree among ourselves on a parenting strategy? And is it even possible?
Disagreements with husband in raising a child
Two sides of one life
It is not difficult to notice that a man and a woman often disagree on most important issues. For education, this is not a minus, but a plus, because different views of parents help the child form a more complete picture of the world. But for this, adults need not to quarrel, but to appreciate each other’s unique roles, inherent in a woman-mother and a man-father by nature itself. From the mother, the child learns the ability to express emotions - love, concern, care, empathy. She also instills in him tact and diplomacy, allowing him to negotiate even with very aggressive people. And the father shows the child how to cope with his feelings, take responsibility and make decisions in case of danger. If a child falls and cries, the mother should feel sorry for him, and the father should advise him on how to minimize losses. But often, instead of receiving help from both sides, the baby finds himself caught in the crossfire. “Have mercy on the child! Can’t you see that he’s crying?” - Mom is indignant. “It’s okay, it’ll heal before the wedding!” - the father retorts.
Disagreements with your husband in raising a child are a difference in reactions to the same event; you need to give the child the opportunity to receive double support, and not be a reason for your quarrel. Another important role of the father is a critical look at the actions of the baby. While mom admires the blue hippo-bear in a child’s drawing, dad lists the shortcomings that prevent this painting from claiming the title of masterpiece. This way the child maintains a high level of self-esteem, and at the same time he learns to calmly respond to critical remarks. A very common mistake among women is the desire to protect the child from... the father. Is it possible to trust a husband to take a baby in his arms, much less bathe him? How to send a five-year-old son with his dad fishing?.. As a result, the father not only does not gain the necessary experience in dealing with the child, but also distances himself from him emotionally, perceiving the heir as a part of his wife, and not as his own continuation.
Moreover, he places all responsibility for raising the child on his wife and subsequently blames her for inevitable mistakes. Do not justify your pedagogical principles with an omnipotent maternal instinct. Give your husband the opportunity to realize his father's.
Disagreements with my husband in raising a child and ways to get closer
Despite the difference in approaches, there are fundamentally important issues in education in which parents simply need to agree on opinions. Otherwise, the child will quickly learn to manipulate adults, playing on the contradictions between them. Discuss your child's pranks with your husband to find out which of them he considers serious offenses and which are acceptable. Men are much more likely than women to forgive their children for displays of aggressiveness and risky behavior such as climbing trees or jumping over a fence.
Having approved a unique list of “crimes,” you and your husband will be less likely to disagree, scolding your child for some offense. Sometimes you really want to spank a child... But psychologists and teachers are unanimous: physical punishment does not instill in a child anything other than reciprocal hostility and fear. If your husband is a heavy hand, show him statistics and scientific articles, refer to the experiences of relatives or neighbors, so that he understands that refusing spanking is a necessity, not softness.
Disagreements with your husband in raising a child - agree to help each other in those moments when one of you has poor control over your anger. Try to use the same punishments. It is better that there are no more than 2-3 of them and it is desirable that they are associated with depriving the baby of children’s “values” - sweets, cartoons, games on the tablet.
At the same time, try not to deviate from your demands, otherwise the baby will know that mom or dad can somehow be moved to pity and avoid punishment. If your husband believes that your daughter should wash dishes from the very day she began to reach the sink (“Otherwise she will grow up to be a bad housewife!”), you are unlikely to convince him. Better ask him to buy doll dishes and let the girl train.
Many men place excessive demands on their children, claiming that their parents did the same. At such moments, there is a great temptation to say something caustic about the teaching talents of the mother-in-law. Do not even think about it! So you will move from issues of education to mutual insults. It’s better to help your husband look at the baby objectively.
Give the example of some respected relative of your spouse: “Our Temka is so similar to Dmitry Petrovich! I think you’re worrying in vain: what you consider the child’s disadvantages are the very genes that helped Dmitry Petrovich achieve success!” Disagreements with your husband in raising a child - what to feed the baby, how to dress him in hot and cold weather, how to protect him from injuries? These questions concern all parents. But you can only find out how a child reacts to a particular food and weather through trial and error. And no one is safe from falls and bruises.
Don't blame each other if one of you makes a mistake.
Try to perceive what happened as an invaluable experience that will help you avoid more serious problems. Did you like the article? Share with friends on social networks:
Generalizations
Frequently used generalization words: “always”, “never”, “forever”.
Why can't we use generalizations in dialogue?
Generalizations are very harmful to communication because they encourage the spouse to automatically defend himself.
What can you do?
It will be much better if the wife forgets about generalizations and addresses her husband more specifically. For example, if a husband takes a long time to get out of bed, then his wife can tell him that he has already slept, and is not always lying in bed.
Suppressing negative feelings
With careful suppression of negative emotions, the wife cannot talk to her husband sincerely, trying in every possible way to pretend that everything is fine.
Why shouldn't you suppress negative feelings?
Such behavior does not allow the wife to open up fully and truly receive support from her husband. Instead, she tries to suppress emotions by keeping them inside. The consequences of such behavior can be bad not only for her health, but also for her relationship with her husband, because sooner or later he will notice that something is wrong with his wife.
What can you do?
A wife must learn to open up to her husband. However, this does not imply a raised tone and similar negativity. If a spouse learns to calmly express even negative feelings, then it will be much easier for her husband to listen to her.
Possible reasons for disagreement
It happens that your husband does not share or understand your worries, problems, or hobbies. When you begin your story, he tries to shift the conversation to an abstract topic or interrupts you mid-sentence.
It’s especially offensive when you try to convey to your spouse an issue that worries you, and he, shrugging his shoulders, shrugs it off and says that your problems are not worth a donut hole. Opposite situations also arise when you cannot listen to your husband’s “nonsense.”
In addition to misunderstandings, conflicts also arise on everyday grounds. Most often this is dissatisfaction in:
- Sex.
- Help and support.
- Rest and leisure.
- Finance.
- Care and affection.
There is also a category of quarrels due to annoying habits, illegal addictions or misunderstanding of the partner’s sense of humor.
Woodpecker battle
A woodpecker fight is a dispute that occurs between spouses, and the duration of such disputes can last for several hours.
What is wrong with such communication?
When a wife expresses dissatisfaction with her husband, and he begins to respond in kind and a long argument begins, the situation worsens even more.
What should I do?
When a wife, in a conversation with her husband, begins to understand that an argument is about to flare up, she needs to get ahead of the curve as quickly as possible and stop answering her husband. For example, if she feels like she's starting to boil, she might go to another room to calm down.
Although sometimes it may seem that shouting is perceived more intelligibly, in fact, the opposite reaction occurs. Why? Screaming is very annoying and causes a corresponding reaction. That is why a wife should not seek her husband’s attention with such harsh methods.
Take a closer look at yourself
First, really assess the situation and analyze your behavior, why can’t you find a common language with your husband? Often the enemies of mutual understanding in the family are character traits that are inherent in many women.
- Excessive intrusiveness.
Men don't like having their every move controlled. The constant presence of the wife nearby not only strains, but also irritates the spouse. Don't bother your loved one, let him miss you.
- Pessimism.
If you are constantly dissatisfied with something, there is not enough for you, or you do not see a “bright future,” a man will instinctively move away from you. Who would like a gloomy, always grumbling wife?
- Megalomania.
Women suffering from delusions of grandeur try to remake their spouse to suit their worldview. They believe that they have the right to dictate to their loved one how to live.
If you notice such a vice in yourself, get rid of it immediately. By pacifying your excessive pride, it will be easier for you to understand how to find a common language with your husband.
- Know-it-all syndrome.
He annoys absolutely everyone. Phrases like: “I warned you...”, “I told you...”, “I know yours...”, etc. are the first signs of a classic “nagging” wife.
- Feigned touchiness.
Constantly being offended over trifles, only for your husband to ask for forgiveness and apologize - this is too much. No self-respecting person would tolerate such treatment. Capricious young ladies do not stay long in the role of wives.
- Mistrust.
This is one of the main reasons for disagreements in the family. Mistrust quickly cools even the hottest feelings. If you are trying to improve your relationship with your husband, learn to trust him.
Threats
Threats or emotional blackmail are expressed in the wife's promises to do something or not to do something.
Why can't you blackmail your husband?
Blackmail does not help resolve the conflict, because even if the wife achieves the reaction she needs, it will not be for long: over time, she will have to intensify the threats or repeat them more and more often. And if the husband obeys at first out of fear of consequences, then he may get tired of it and stop. Therefore, the wife should stop threatening, otherwise, over time, she will end up in a very unpleasant situation.
So, as you can see, there are many words that are very hurtful and do not allow normal communication, so wives should learn to control their feelings so as not to resort to threats, shouting, reminders of past mistakes, generalizations, arguments, stubbornness and similar mistakes. Of course, controlling negative feelings can be very difficult, but the results are worth it. If the wife does not resort to such mistakes, then there will be more pleasant emotions and much less quarrels.
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