My husband got another one. What to do about marriage?

Hi all! If you have suspicions in your head that your husband has a mistress, do not panic. To begin with, you should not build the whole picture based only on a premonition and a feeling of jealousy. You must focus on the facts and specific signs that confirm your spouse’s infidelity. When drawing conclusions, try to be reasonable and avoid excessive emotionality. If it is confirmed that the husband actually has a mistress, then it is necessary to select the correct further actions so as not to worsen the situation.

How to find out that there is a mistress

If you really want to find out whether your husband has a mistress, then try to remain completely calm so that he does not become suspicious of your guesses. Just watch, don't show much interest in late returns home and frequent business trips. Watch his speech; the main mistake a man makes in such a situation is calling his wife by someone else’s name.

Here are the main signs by which you can suspect your loved one has a new passion. Each of them individually is not evidence of cheating; you need to take into account the whole picture, including the level of your relationship at the moment.

The first warning sign is usually constant absences from business trips. First of all, carefully find out whether there really is such a production need, or whether the emergency at work is an invention of the spouse.
Another reason for suspicion arises when the husband is constantly late at work, and the family budget is not replenished, and even on the contrary, income decreases. Of course, you can attack it head-on, but it won’t change the essence. With caution, ask his friends and colleagues about the state of affairs at the spouse’s place of work, but do not insist too much, so as not to reveal yourself.
The appearance of a sweetheart in a loved one cannot but affect a change in behavior. Most likely, he will become colder and indifferent; he no longer cares about the problems of his family and wife. And sometimes the situation is the other way around - a man feels a sense of guilt and tries to make up for it by paying more attention.
If a husband has a mistress, he often begins to “clean his feathers” more often and more thoroughly; he is very concerned about his appearance and wardrobe, especially if his passion is younger.
Coldness in bed or constant excuses from fulfilling marital duties always make any woman suspicious. If just recently you avoided sex with your spouse, now he himself does not take the initiative. Sometimes men who are especially active in this regard manage to accomplish feats in the sexual field both at home and with their mistress. But then he may offer you new positions or experiments that he has already tried with another woman.
Pay attention to details - the smell of other people's perfume, phone calls, gifts and souvenirs that friends allegedly gave. All these little things can indicate betrayal.

Save your marriage after cheating.

What to do if your spouse works at the same job as your ex-mistress (lover)?

It is very difficult to find out that your spouse has cheated on you.
But it’s even harder to understand that he works together with his mistress - after all, this means that they will continue to see each other regularly! If you both decide to start working on repairing your relationship, this becomes a serious obstacle and adds fuel to the fire that is still burning in your marriage. It is clear to both that the first step to healing is to stop contact with your mistress (lover). But under these conditions this is impossible. How to be?

Honestly consider changing jobs (yours or your lover's).

Think about what opportunities there are to leave this company or this department, what opportunities there are to find a new company or transfer to another department in another building or another city. Do you, as a manager, have the opportunity to transfer your ex-lover to another department or negotiate her transfer to another job on decent terms? Or agree on the dismissal of your mistress at your own request with payment of compensation?

As a rule, when a psychologist asks couples to think in this direction, most clients initially answer unequivocally that this is impossible. At the same time, as a rule, people who turn to a psychologist are residents of large cities; most of our clients are highly qualified specialists in their field. That’s why the first unequivocal reaction sounds somewhat paradoxical: is there really no other position in the whole city where their talents and skills could be in demand? Of course, there are objective difficulties associated with dismissal: loss of work experience in one company, an established team, etc. However, understanding that the world has not converged as a “wedge” on one company greatly increases the effectiveness of work to restore trust in a couple.

Are there any other options?

Stop fighting with each other, become a single team that together reflects external temptations.

If you want to heal your marriage and your spouse is working with his ex-lover, it is important that you stop treating each other as enemies. See each other as allies with a common goal. “There are you and me, but there is the world around us.” Use the pronoun “we” more often. “We both want to heal our marriage. We both want to make our marriage safe and restore the trust we once had."

According to the experience of consultations, the deceived spouse was always greatly impressed by the phrase spoken out loud: “Honey, I want you to know that you are much more important to me than work.” Sometimes after these words the husband added: “Of course, I’m scared. I don't know when I will be able to find a similar job. I'm worried about how leaving my job will affect our financial well-being. But I, just like you, with all my heart wish for the end of the relationship on the side. If you decide that it will be better, calmer, I will quit.” In many cases these words were spoken quite sincerely.

Such a phrase often produces a powerful effect. In some cases, it was enough. A betrayed spouse may not want the cheating spouse to leave their job because it will affect their overall finances. But for the injured spouse, knowing that their spouse is willing to quit their job at their word is extremely important. This adds warmth to the relationship.

In other cases, the cheating spouse actually took this radical measure and quit the job where their lover was. Such couples significantly accelerated the work of healing the relationship. Experience shows that, as a rule, they eventually found a new job. Not always, but sometimes even more paid than the previous one.

It's important to see that you have a choice.

If you both agree that it is better for your spouse to stay in the same job, you need to be patient. His ability to manage his feelings will gradually increase, but stability will not come immediately. It is fundamentally important that the cheating spouse understands that he has a choice: to go with his ex-lover to lunch during the break or not. Appear in a common “smoking room” where there is a chance to meet a former lover, or not. It is important that he resists temptations not “to please” his wife, but following his own inner decision to remain faithful and work on the relationship in marriage. Otherwise, very soon the “teenage” pattern will work: I will allow myself to “be silly” a little while “mom” is not looking.

If you choose to stay at your current job, you can't change the layout of offices and staircases, you can't change job descriptions and cancel meetings, but you can change the way you think about occasional meetings with your ex-lover at work - and this will transform the situation.

Inform your boss about the situation.

This move has helped many couples. Cheating spouses are usually afraid to tell their managers about the betrayal that occurred. They think it will negatively affect their reputation or even fear that they will be fired. However, most often the opposite happens. A person, by his behavior, sets an example of determination and honesty. A manager may have the authority to transfer his subordinate’s ex-lover to another building, to an office on another floor, or sometimes to another part of the work team in order to minimize the likelihood of former lovers meeting at work.

Conduct a brainstorming session together to collect ideas on how to maintain a feeling of safety and reliability in the heart of the injured partner.

For example, these ideas could be:

The cheating spouse can put a photo of their husband/wife (or a family photo) on their desk in the office.
An unfaithful spouse may call his/her husband/wife from an office landline number several times during the workday to confirm his love and to enable his spouse to verify his whereabouts.
The cheating spouse may occasionally invite their spouse to go to a business lunch together in the middle of the work day.
He can also invite his wife to some informal event at work, where the presence of relatives of employees is allowed. At such events, you can try to give your spouse special attention, show with your eyes and gestures the degree of importance of your spouse in your life (hug, hold hands, etc.).
Avoid situations where the cheating spouse is alone with his ex-lover in any room at work behind closed doors.
Discuss on your own or with the help of an intermediary (psychologist) what boundaries and rules you will adhere to when communicating with the opposite sex. It is important that there is general agreement on this issue. Maybe you decide for a while not to say goodbye to friends of the opposite sex in the form of a kiss on the cheek, but limit yourself to a smile and words of farewell.

6. It is important not to create an awkward secret. If you met your ex-lover at work, it is better to tell your spouse about it.

Your goal is not only to create an atmosphere of safety and trust for your spouse, but also to help him/her regain his/her sense of self-worth . If the injured spouse sees that he is included in the team, shared with, and discussed difficulties that arise, it is easier for him to feel safe and loved.

Useful information and recommendations for couples going through crises (including the crisis of infidelity) in the book “Anatomy of Family Conflict. Win or understand each other" by Peter Dmitrievsky. Table of contents of the book.

Buy the paper version of “Anatomy of a Family Conflict” Buy the electronic version of “Anatomy of a Family Conflict”

What to do if your husband has a mistress

So, you found out that your husband did take a mistress, and a reasonable question arises, what to do next? To begin with, you should cry, and then sit down and think carefully about the future. In this situation, it’s easy to mess things up, but pull yourself together, if you want to save the family, don’t create scandals and scenes, don’t stoop to insults, this will only push the man away.

Don’t despair and don’t withdraw into yourself; if possible, distance yourself from the situation, live with your parents, change the decor in your home, change your wardrobe, and break up with your friends. This pause is necessary for any deceived woman to weigh all the pros and cons of living together and determine the future scenario, and there are only three of them:

Fight for my husband. If you sincerely love a man and are ready to forgive all insults without harboring evil in your soul, think about what is your fault? Why is he looking for happiness on the side? Perhaps he lacks bright sensations in family life and is tired of everyday life. Or with you, his self-esteem has dropped sharply and now he wants to prove to himself and everyone around him that he is capable of seducing a beautiful woman. It happens that there are no feelings between lovers and they meet only for quality sex. In any case, you will have to work in two directions - self-improvement and introducing novelty into relationships. Start with changes in your appearance - get in shape, buy a subscription to a fitness room or swimming pool, make new interesting acquaintances. Remember what taste in women your spouse has, maybe it’s worth changing your haircut, hair color or style. Behavior must match appearance. Become a strong, confident, independent woman in your husband’s eyes, then he will look at you from a different angle.
If cheating is not acceptable to you and you want to quickly resolve the issue of divorce, do not delay. Don’t forget about the financial issue; according to the law, exactly half of everything acquired belongs to the spouse. It is better to entrust this to an experienced lawyer. Property issues are not the only ones that can arise during divorce proceedings. As a rule, a woman who finds out about cheating loses faith in herself, she develops complexes about her appearance and a feeling of guilt. There is nothing wrong with this, because a negative experience is also an experience, you just need to try not to make typical mistakes in your next relationship.
Nowadays, many married couples, after information about affairs on the side, continue to live together and at the same time have mistresses and lovers. There can be a lot of reasons: joint children, property, business. Sometimes it is easier for people to tolerate infidelity and continue to live in a triangle than to engage in divorce litigation. Why not, if it suits all parties.

You can't forgive right away

Quick forgiveness gives the culprit the opportunity to repeat the betrayal. Understanding the impunity of actions encourages loving behavior. Show your dignity. Let the cheater experience the fear of losing his beloved. The main thing is to negotiate calmly and peacefully.

Staging a departure will make the offender worry and beg his beloved to stay. Traitors are afraid of losing their beloved. Therefore, they ask to start all over again. It must be stated that you will have to try hard to forgive. A second chance means repeating the courtship: dates, restaurants, flowers, gifts. In a word, the guilty spouse must first earn an attempt to return the past.

How to get your husband back from your mistress

How to return your husband to your family? Advice from a professional psychologist:

Remember that family and wife always remain in first place, and the mistress is assigned a supporting role, otherwise, another woman would have already received a marriage proposal. Since this does not happen, all is not lost; perhaps your spouse is trying to prove something to you or take revenge.
You must return your husband's lost feelings, but do not make sudden movements so as not to scare him away. If you suddenly meet your loved one in stockings and new lace underwear, he may suspect that you know about the betrayal. The wife will only irritate, cause feelings of guilt and pity, the man will find himself in an uncomfortable situation.
Give your spouse the opportunity to relive the old feelings and emotions. Remember old traditions, invite him to a romantic dinner or invite him to rewatch his favorite movie.
Take care of your appearance and self-education, allow light flirting with a stranger, but overdo it. If you become an attractive prey for “males”, your husband will look at you with different eyes.
Praise your loved one, ask for his advice and suggest ways to solve problems yourself, but unobtrusively. Prepare a delicious dinner and greet him home from work in a good mood.

Possible damage to reputation

Another difficult situation arises when the spouse is a CEO, elected official, or public figure, and the mistress can cause significant damage to one's career and reputation. In these cases, you need to think strategically about how to handle the end of the affair, as anything can be used against the husband in court. If your husband cheats with a work colleague, you may think that it does not matter, since you are offended and your feelings should take priority, and the man himself started this mess and fully deserves what may happen. That's all true, but think about the long-term consequences.

What will happen:

What if your spouse gets fired and can't get another management position?
What if children read about this incident on the Internet?
What if the husband can never hold such a position again?

You need to approach this situation very delicately and come up with a plan that will cause the least amount of damage to everyone. In all of these cases, it is important to understand that change will take some time.

Few of us can get a new job overnight or quickly arrange for an employee to be transferred to another company. While the cheating spouse works to find a new job for the mistress or transfer her, you must be patient and resist the urge to make an already difficult situation worse.

Women's mistakes

Very often, having caught her husband cheating, a woman makes critical mistakes that not only will not help save the marriage, but will also destroy it completely. If you don't want to lose your husband despite his cheating, never do the following:

The wife begins to humiliate herself in front of her cheating husband, begging him not to leave his family for another woman. You cannot lose your self-esteem by humiliating yourself; you will only arouse in him a feeling of pity and contempt.
The wife wants revenge and also takes a lover. Such an action will only completely ruin everything and make you feel dirty and used.
The offended wife packs a suitcase with her husband's belongings and kicks him out of the house. A wonderful deed! You sent it to your rival with your own hands.
The wife complains to her mother and hopes for the support of her husband's parents. No matter how painful it may be for you, the solution to this problem is only for the two of you. If your parents get involved in your showdown, then you are more likely to get divorced than stay together.

If you managed to save your family and eliminate your rival, this does not mean that you can breathe out and relax. Now you both still have a lot of work to do to restore trust and respect in your relationship. Don't reproach him for cheating, try to forget this incident, since you gave him a second chance. Treat yourself to a second honeymoon, or at least a romantic dinner. You have a long way to go, but if you try, you can achieve what you want.

Important

Believe in yourself, respect your relationship and give your husband a chance to correct his mistake, and then your family will only become stronger.