Constant quarrels with my husband

July 28, 2017

Family life rarely goes smoothly. Quarrels and conflicts occur in any union. However, when there are too many of them, this is a reason to think that there are certain problems in the couple. And they need to be resolved, otherwise the risk of divorce increases every day.

If you have constant quarrels with your husband, then it’s time to think about what to do. The problem did not arise overnight. Discontent was piling up. At first, these were probably minor disagreements: the toothpaste was not closed properly, socks were in the middle of the room, he arrived at the wrong time. You might not even notice how normal relationships have moved to the stage of constant and daily conflicts.

Where did it all start?

A wedding is a natural result of a close relationship between a man and a woman, but marriage does not guarantee peace and a comfortable climate in a couple. When understanding why there are constant quarrels with the husband in the family, it is necessary to understand the reason for marriage:

• by mutual love;
• by one-sided love (only one of the partners loves, the second “allows himself to be loved”);
• due to the woman's pregnancy;
• under the pressure of external circumstances (opinion of relatives and friends, social norms, need for protection or material support, etc.);
• by calculation.

Depending on the reason for the marriage, conflicts in it are associated with:

• disappointed expectations;
• poor communication, incorrect understanding of the partner’s character, desires and capabilities;
• the birth of a child - switching attention, different prioritization, fatigue, health problems;
• inattention to the partner;
• increased irritability associated with external factors;
• material and financial difficulties;
• incorrect habitual behavior pattern of one or both spouses.

Causes of conflicts in the family

Everyone in the family quarrels: parents and children, brothers and sisters. We can talk endlessly about marital conflicts, it is such a deep and complex topic.

Whatever the reason, you need to tune in to a positive solution to the problem. Don't forget that marriage is the work of two partners. Only through compromise decisions and understanding the position of the opposite side can peace and a favorable atmosphere in the family be achieved.

Provoking factors

There are many reasons why discord occurs:

1. Different views on certain aspects of life. For example, a man dreams of a quiet and peaceful home environment, but this is not enough for a girl. She strives to be in the company of strangers, dreams of a cheerful and daring life, like before marriage.
2. Lack of partner's attention. When you are married, you need to devote enough time to your chosen one. Without this, the relationship will fall apart.
3. Routine troubles. Quarrels over trifles are not as harmless as they seem. Constant tension weakens the bond between partners and does not contribute to strengthening the marriage.
4. Authoritarianism of one of the partners. Trying to fit a loved one into a certain mold will sooner or later cause rejection and discontent.
5. Financial difficulties. The constant lack of money in the family budget does not add romance. Both partners become anxious and irritable, and take out their negative attitudes on each other.
6. Addiction of one of the partners: from the habit of eating at night to gambling and addiction to alcohol or drugs.
7. Weak sexual activity of the couple. People spend too much time together for there to be any romance left in their lives. But the physiological need remains.

Not only a significant reason, but also a trifle can provoke a quarrel. In the second case, a disagreement does not threaten the marriage if it is not the last straw of years of accumulating discontent.

Behavior of spouses in a quarrel

Often scandals over trifles become a normal occurrence in the daily life of a couple. And this does not bring anything good in the future. If you don’t stop in time and start “repairing” your personal life, the marriage may fall apart.

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But it is not always possible to escape the conflict even if desired. In this case, the expression “Silence is golden” is appropriate. Even if a man begins to raise his voice, it is better to shut up for a while and wait it out so as not to aggravate the situation. Maintaining harmony in a marriage is difficult, because men and women have not only physiological, but also psychological differences.

A trifle is not a reason for a scandal?..

Many spouses note that constant quarrels with their husbands over trifles are the main part of family problems. At the same time, “trifles” mean unwashed dishes, an unclosed tube of toothpaste, and slippers in the wrong place. Sometimes “trifles” are considered moments that are significant only for a woman:

• congratulations, flowers or a gift on a holiday;
• inattention to new hairstyle/clothes/manicure;
• lack of politeness towards the wife's relatives;
• remarks about her appearance, actions, character, etc.

In such cases, “trifle” is not the right definition; the wife’s task is to convey to her husband how important these manifestations of his attention, love and care are for her. The opposite situation is also possible. Women are not interested in their spouse's problems at work, the result of a match or computer game, or the brand of cigarettes. In this case, the husband must explain to his beloved why this is important to him and what reaction he would like from her.

The problem with quarrels over “little things” is the spouses’ lack of understanding of their partner’s priorities and lack of attention to him. With careful attention and a real desire to understand, “little things” acquire real meaning and the number of conflicts is sharply reduced.

How to stop arguing

It seems that after any quarrel, to maintain harmony, it is enough to do a little - ask for forgiveness or wait for an apology. But in practice, no one will remember who initiated the scandal.

To stop quarreling with your husband, you need to stop exploding over little things, learn not only to listen, but also to hear your partner and talk to him. Correct behavior will help neutralize the conflict and prevent its resumption.

Understand the reason

To take the path of reconciliation with your partner and avoid quarrels in the future, you need to analyze your own experiences and contact a family psychologist.

Thanks to the help of a specialist, the couple will not slide into another quarrel in their reasoning. The psychologist will analyze the words and behavior of the spouses and then make recommendations.

Learn to listen

All healthy people have hearing as a physiological function. But in a conversation, the inner voice always sounds louder than the other person's speech, chanting its own opinions, prejudices and positions.

Not everyone can truly hear the other person. To do this, it is necessary to be moderately objective and open to providing support as a listener. There is even a term in psychology called “active listening.”

This technique helps to establish a closer connection with the speaker and understand his psycho-emotional state. The point is to pause while listening, ask clarifying questions, and unobtrusively duplicate what was said, emphasizing importance.

Thanks to the technique, the listener shows his attention and interest in the interlocutor and in what he says. Even if you disagree with your opponent’s position, you can take the discussion in a constructive direction without shouting or trying to humiliate the opposite side.

Be able to talk

It is important to learn how to talk with your interlocutor without accusations. There is no need to aggressively prove that you are right. If a conflict has already occurred, it is better to conduct it in a debate format, where each participant has the right to speak out and be heard.

The man should speak first. Representatives of the stronger sex control emotions better, so they will not start screaming and breaking dishes right away. When a husband makes claims against his wife, you should not interrupt him, no matter how offensive and unfair the words may seem. Only after listening can you come to a compromise solution.

A woman should try to speak measuredly, not hesitate and not raise her voice. The spouse needs to realize the moments in which he is wrong. Intense interaction allows you to get out of the swamp of conflict faster than an emotional scandal that generates new resentment and anger.

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Use relaxation

With constant nervous tension caused by stress, a reason for a quarrel can arise out of nowhere. It is especially difficult for partners who are in this state together.

If harmony reigns in the soul of at least one partner, then he will extinguish all quarrels in the bud. He will simply hug a person in a difficult moment, sharing his warmth with him, and discuss controversial issues in a constructive and calm conversation.

Yoga, meditation, a 10-minute walk in the fresh air before bed, chamomile tea, etc. will help you find mental balance. And the main thing is inner spirit and fortitude.

10 second rule

To level out a conflict at the stage of its inception, you need to count to 10. This technique works simply: in 10 seconds a person will have time to understand that he has lost his temper and will be afraid of offending his loved one. The girl’s silence will confuse him, and he will forget why he wanted to make a scandal.

While a woman is silent, she will be able to think through answers, counterarguments, and understand the reason for the quarrel. After this short period, both partners will have time to develop doubts about the appropriateness of the planned quarrel. Even the most difficult issues can be resolved through constructive dialogue.

Serious reasons for quarrels

Sometimes external manifestations - quarrels over trifles - are the tip of the iceberg of a major problem. Example: a man likes to drink and, when intoxicated, behaves unattractively at the table. His wife reprimands him for the crumbs and stains on the tablecloth; formally, the quarrel arises precisely because of this insignificant fact. The real reason is drunkenness. At the same time, a woman does not necessarily understand the main reason for dissatisfaction or irritation; a man may not understand the reasons for the “nitpicking”.

Among other serious reasons for intra-family conflicts, psychologists name:

• dependence of partners on computer and gambling;
• betrayal;
• dissimilarity of views on housekeeping/financial distribution/required amount of earnings;
• disagreements about leisure and work;
• different approach to raising children.

At the same time, constant quarrels with my husband, tips for getting rid of which are collected in this article, are aggravated by an increase in irritability and mutual dissatisfaction due to minor conflicts.

Constant quarrels with my husband: what to do

Establishing intrafamily relationships is the task of both spouses. But more often, women come to understand the discord and its possible consequences (divorce), and they make efforts to end the conflicts.

The main task is to understand the cause of mutual dissatisfaction. To do this, it is advisable to conduct a written analysis and try to remember the beginning of the discord. You can ask your loved ones for help (without disclosing the reason for the questions). From the outside, conflicts between spouses are noticeable, even if they themselves do not understand it. Sometimes the root cause of quarrels cannot be found. In this case, it helps to consistently record situations in which conflicts arise most often. Subject to analysis:

• the situation, well-being, external circumstances of each spouse at the time of the outbreak of discontent and 2...5 hours before that;
• formal reason for the discord;
• phrases exchanged between spouses during a quarrel;
• consequences, their duration.

Such an analysis will help identify “aggravating” circumstances - weather, health, problems at work or with children, employment, etc.

The reason is clear, what to do?

After identifying the causes of disagreement, it is necessary to understand which of these causes can be eliminated and which can be minimized. Some circumstances cannot be changed, but it is worth trying to smooth them out. Example: My husband is having trouble at work. The wife cannot in any way influence his relationships with colleagues or superiors, but she is quite capable of noticing signs of another problem upon her husband’s return from service. At such moments, it is better to restrain your, albeit justified, dissatisfaction, and not react to the man’s possible comments.

A psychologist’s advice will not help you stop constant quarrels with your husband, but it is possible to adjust your behavior and find an opportunity to change a man’s attitude towards conflicts. To do this, you need (with the help of a consultant) to reconsider your views on:

• the desire to “keep the last word,” it is better to let the man formally assert his dominance;
• the habit of swearing in the presence of relatives and friends, strangers - thereby the participants in the quarrel put witnesses in an awkward position, giving reason to doubt their prudence, reliability and good manners;
• desire to sort things out immediately. By allowing themselves to cool down, spouses often lose the reason for discord;
• reluctance to discuss “obvious things.” They are only obvious to one person.

If your husband left because of quarrels, what to do?

The situation when the spouse could not stand it and still left is quite predictable. No one can withstand constant conflicts, because every person wants comfort and tranquility at home. If he hasn’t found another woman yet, then everything can be fixed.

— Talk. Ask him for a meeting. This should be just a request, expressed in a calm tone.

— Tell us that you understand the cause of the conflict. Admit that you went too far and your nagging was too frequent. The conversation should be conducted in a friendly manner, without accusations or negative emotions.

— Offer to start over, while promising that there will be no conflicts on your part.

— Keep your promises. A man can say what he wants to think. In this case, you must behave calmly. Naturally, it is impossible to provoke conflicts in any case.

If, due to constant quarrels, the husband left, this is a strong reason for a woman to think about her behavior and character traits. You will have to reconsider a lot about yourself and your actions, otherwise after a while the situation will repeat itself. But at the same time, the spouse will leave completely. If you cannot cope with your mood and increased irritability, then it is better to consult a psychologist. He will give advice on how to stop constant quarrels. If a woman experiences depression, the psychologist will refer her to a specialist who, if necessary, will prescribe appropriate medications to alleviate the condition.

Family life is a constant effort for both partners to improve themselves. There are two sides to an alliance. A woman’s wisdom lies in her ability to compromise in order to preserve the integrity of the family.